Serious crash and burn.
Serious crash and burn.

I mean serious, serious crash and burn.
We're talking borderline suicidal, crash and burn.
I'm just.

I'm not feeling well.
I'm really not feeling well.
Really really not feeling well.
I should be.
But I'm not.

I was doing fine.
I was doing nothing wrong.
But then. I just.

I feel.
Very.
Very.
Down.

Bad spot.
Very bad spot.
I need to keep talking, bad spot.
I wish I had someone who was here listening, bad spot.
I mean. It's not like they'd be able to help. It's not like one thing in particular triggered this.
It's just.
A very.
Not good wave hit.
Suddenly and strongly.

The energy and passion I had.
Gone.
Vanished.
Disappeared.

And it's.
It's just.
​Not good.

We had a tornado touch down in Monroe today in an RV dealership--everyone got the news wrong though and thinks it was an RV park.

So that was something.

It's way past the time I should be writing this though, so mostly I just want to sleep.

There's like half a dozen things I should be doing for work yet which I am not actually doing, but oh well. At least I stopped playing Civilization last night. (Because I won. Basically, I decided to embark on "Operation: wipe Persia's military out" because they were passing an alarming number of troops through my territory and they had a few cities I really wanted to capture. The result was I doubled the number of armies I got. Persia got the Celts to declare war on me, and I got an army of Heavy Cavalry from that. I got a peace treaty and currently most of the world is warring against the Celts so were I to actually push I could probably wipe them off the map, but I got a domination victory before then, so.)

Right now though, one whim has been replaced by another. Specifically, I have had a strong urge to work on mafia theory. This is something I am known for doing, of course. It's one of the things I am renowned for, actually. I do mafia theory work. I teach it, I preach it, I put it up for others to read.

Aside from me doing a lot of revising and updating and chronicling (that is, putting up works of theory that weren't as visible before), I have also written a fair amount with plans to write a ton more. Yet more than that. More than that, an idea which is years' old has come back to me and I'm incredibly tempted to give it another shot:

Writing an actual theory book on the game of mafia itself. As in. Publishing a textbook about how to play mafia. Now! I would have to start over from scratch. Whatever notes I had on the subject before are looooooooooooooooong gone. I don't think I could track them down.

...But I doubt I'd need to, since while there would certainly be data lost, a lot of what I have written is stuff which I would be rewriting today anyway. Still, though. This is something which I'm honestly, seriously considering, because I actually think that I could spin an interesting narrative sharing good, unique perspectives on the game with good insight the full way.

The main problem is that while I'm sure I could fill it with plenty of content...I haven't a clue how to write a textbook. I wouldn't know what order to put it in or what format to use. It'd be just me randomly guessing as to how to write an educational book about the game: what it is, how it is played, how to play it better, and the like.

So I'm not sure if I'll actually do it.

But I want​ to do it.

Our house is almost out of propane so we shut the heat off. We do have electric heat--but it's super mega expensive so we're trying to not use it unless there's no other option. Which means that my house is currently sitting at 67 degrees and dropping. (That thermometer also is about two degrees off--meaning the real temperature is 65.)

Of course, to some, this might seem warm. Yeah, yeah, I know. I would actually prefer it if my body could tolerate these temperatures. I like being cool more than I like being warm. But the thing is. I'm a stick. I've got no meat on my bones. And I'm not sure if this is genetics or not, but my dad hates the cold, my paternal grandfather hates the cold, my older sister can't stand the cold (she's even worse than I am), so I swear it's like we genetically have a predisposition towards not doing well in cooler temperatures.

70 seems to be the minimum we can get away with.
I mean.
To be fair.
I'm in a T-shirt and shorts at the moment.
If I put on my warmup jacket and pants, I'd be better.
But I'd still be cold, just...less cold.

I was left a note which says, "Keep the dog covered". (Our dog, a toy fox terrier, is very small with thin fur--his ideal temperature is like a minimum of 74, if not 76; for him to be warm, he needs it to either be 78, or to have a heat source nearby, be it blanket, fire, heater vent, or a lap.)

...That would be easier to do if all our best blankets and sleeping bags weren't gone (presumably, in the wash), leaving me with basically nothing. It would also be easier if he wasn't antsy from all of the utility work going on outside which is very very loud. (Enough to disrupt my sleep. Twice, at minimum.) So he's on my lap, which has a very small sleeping bag on it, but this sleeping bag is too small to cover my whole body--just my thighs.

So right now I'm burning calories just by shivering a lot. Which I am doing. It kinda makes typing hard, since violent tremors from excessive shaking tends to throw off typing technique. (Incidentally, those tremors from shivering are fairly similar to the tremors I show when my body is deprived of something essential--not enough water, not enough carbs, whatever. Both of which are common problems I face.)

I don't know why I'm so angry.
I don't.
But I do know it's happening. A lot.

It's a dark place I'm heading towards, that much I can tell. There's a reason rage is considered part of the path towards becoming a Sith. It's not a pretty path. It leads to lots of bad things. But for some reason I'm feeling a lot of it lately and I can't really pinpoint why.

The best guess I have is a negative feedback self-destructive loop of feeling like I'm not being heard and then becoming frustrated and in my frustration expressing myself in a way which is hard to hear which makes me feel like I'm not being heard and then becoming frustrated and in my frustration...

...But even there I'm not sure.

I know there is a problem.

I'm just not feeling like myself.

I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know what the problem is.
I don't really know what issue I am experiencing.
Just that I am going through a time which very easily could be called a meltdown and I just don't want to...I don't want that to happen. Yet I'm not sure what I can really do.

I want to talk more.
I do.
I just.
I don't know how to.

All I can think about is going on to talk about what I was originally going to do today.
I was originally going to work a bit on the Whirlwind story, but ultimately decided not to. Rather, I was going to worldbuild, throwing around the idea of defining ki further, but decided that was a bad idea, to leave it ambiguous, and that instead I'd just do some research.

Which never materialized.

I got...distracted.

And then everything just fell apart, as far as my day is concerned.

I suppose I can mention that yesterday, we once more caught up on Tanya the Evil, through Episode 11. Today I had a thought though, and wondered: "Hypothetically, could Being X decide to bring another soul reincarnated like Tanya in, just on an opposing side?" Basically, I was wondering if that would be in-character: it would pit them against one another such that no matter which side won, Being X would, too. (Basically, Being X being a jerk, this would be something potentially within character.) But the counterargument for that would be that by having it be more than just Tanya, and with them in opposition, it might ruin the whole point of the experiment.

But back to yesterday. That being only four or so episodes, we needed a new anime to watch. Enter Drifters, which is a very, very, very good one as well.

I suppose that there was also more I was going to blog about, but I'll save it for tomorrow. (I've got a written down note to help me!) I'm not sure I can really...well, write properly right now. Writing's the one thing I'm good at, the one skill I hold pride in, and right now I'm just.

I'm just not sure I'm able to do it. And that's hurting me a lot but it's true.

Parents are out of town, which means my brother is coming over for animez. Given this, won't have a chance to speak, sorry.

And a birthday celebration at that. My dad's birthday isn't until March 31st, but this was the only day we as a whole family could celebrate it. Watched Doctor Strange finally, so there's that, but right now it's 4 AM and...I kinda want to go to bed. Have for hours, actually.

I'll see if I can maybe talk tomorrow, since I do have a few things I have in mind. (Among them, family stuff I can share.)

I'm sure I had half a dozen things I wanted to blog about, but come time to actually blog about them...I'm kinda drawing a blank, sorry. I'm just not sure what to say, I guess.

And let me tell you, it is a good feeling to be having. I mean. I always feel a little feminine. But it's been getting stronger and stronger and stronger as of recently. I don't know why, but I am glad for it because it is an awesome feeling and I just feel more...alive, I guess. More me. More like I'm living life as I should.

Potentially related, potentially unrelated, hard to say, but right now my mind seems to be addressing myself a lot as Bree. This might not seem like a big thing to you--but it is. Most of the times, either my mind doesn't drop names, or it's one of mastina/Ranger. (Usually more mastina as of late.) In fact, if you were to ask me two weeks ago, I'd be saying I was almost exclusively referring to myself as mastina, because she was the aspect in me strongest.

...Yet now, I actually feel like it's another part of me that's strongest, that's most dominant. This is a bit of a weird thing to talk about, since it's incredibly hard to explain the inner workings of my mind, about the aspects of me, about how they are interwoven, separated, yet not, but basically, calling myself Bree means a lot. It is a very big thing. It might not sound like much of a thing. But it is in fact a big thing.

It's basically me having an internal recognition of my own identity. I can't really stress how soothing that is. To just hear it in my mind, and know it to be true. I am Bree. And hearing that makes me happy. It's hard to explain just how much I am giddy about it, but...it's there, with me feeling just. Good. And I honestly can't think of anything else to say today other than that.

​Being a girl is awesome.