Or at least, mostly finished it. First, let's show a couple of the extra work in progress states.

And now, the "final" image:

Now, it's not perfect.

At the top, the hair is too "thick", extending too far out. The hair basically has a straight trajectory from the top in a diagonal line to the bottom--it should be more of a curve, going from where it is at the bottom in an upward curve that ends around the ears or so. So basically, the hair at the head should start at around where the black tentacle shoulder is, falling straight down from there and then curving out to the final location, rather than the much further forward starting spot seen.

I forgot to draw the toes, and also left out drawing fingernails.

I didn't add what's the term? Line width? Line depth? Stroke width? I'm drawing a blank on the term to use, but basically, making the lineart get thicker and thinner at different points rather than being uniformly thick.

This is a more "casual" look at Elemental Ruby, so I didn't have the different eye colors, the red claws or swirling vortex on the tentacle side or the mask on her face. (The idea I wanted to draw was a midway point between her being in battle form and relaxed form. Relaxed form is Future-Ruby in her default state eventually; combat/battle form is the fully combat-oriented Elemental Ruby as originally envisioned.)

The light fibers look more like lightning than they do strings of pure light; the anatomy, proportions, and perspectives are all a little bit off. There are a bunch of things that could be better if I spent time fixing them, and others I don't know how to fix.

The darkness tentacles don't really come through and the hair being alternating strands of black and gold I also didn't quite convey perfectly, aside from the flow of the hair not being perfect.

That, aside from the issues I pointed out in my blog post from yesterday. The pose I'm not 100% happy about.
The proportions, anatomy, and perspective are all not quite right. There's a lot of funky things that are a little "off", that aren't quite right. Its anatomical flaws are definitely present, among them being the thinness and length of her legs as well as the shape of her torso.

I'm not sure I like the lip/lipstick. I wanted it to be visible on her vampire grin, but I'm not sure it comes off properly.

The blade thigh bands are too low, and should be higher up.

The arm covered in light fibers, I actually don't know how to draw, and it shows.

The light fibers look a lot like lightning, and I'm not sure how to convey that they are fibers made of light rather than jolts of lightning shooting out.

The alternating hair between gold/black I didn't get to be my vision perfectly; the capes/wings don't quite work as I want them to; the dark tendrils don't look like dark tendrils; the light fibers don't look like light fibers, both on the arm and on the extensions; everything that was "hard" to do on the image, I ended up not actually matching my vision.

But I took a look back at the spot where I originally envisioned Elemental Ruby and how I did compared to my original vision there. Some things, just changed: the default dress color at some point shifted from red to black. The second hair color to alternate with black at some point shifted from brown to gold. The wing/capes swapped color sides at some point (I think this was for better symmetry?).

And other things were left out as part of this not being part of the vision for what I wanted to make. I didn't want fully full casual Elemental Ruby, the default look for Future-Ruby, but I also didn't want to draw the full combat-ready Elemental Ruby that would include the mask, claws, swirling vortex, etc. so this was my go-to for an in-between, a partial combat form where Ruby has summoned darkness around her right arm, fibers around her left arm, and wings, but hasn't fully powered up, a sort of "display" of power without really putting power in, as it were.

So like. I rate this as being about 80% effective. It's not 100% my vision. It's not what I was hoping to make. But it gets darn close, for an image that I said I couldn't make circa three years ago. Now, granted. I did it entirely digital, when I really wanted to do sketches of it. (And to be fair, I think I can in fact do partial sketches of it and then stitch them together digitally.)

But it's still passable in conveying most of the idea that I was hoping to convey.

So remember this?

This was me attempting to draw Elemental Ruby, as in, Ruby Scarlet Ventrella, protagonist of Red Hood Rider, in her ultimate/final form, so ultimate that it is only unlocked after the story has actually ended.

It was good!

It was really good.

But I thought I could do better.

​So I made the decision to start over with a different approach.

Now, it's not perfect.
The pose I'm not 100% happy about.
The proportions, anatomy, and perspective are all not quite right. There's a lot of funky things that are a little "off", that aren't quite right. Its anatomical flaws are definitely present, among them being the thinness and length of her legs as well as the shape of her torso.

I'm not sure I like the lip/lipstick. I wanted it to be visible on her vampire grin, but I'm not sure it comes off properly.

The blade thigh bands are too low, and should be higher up.

The arm covered in light fibers, I actually don't know how to draw, and it shows.

The light fibers look a lot like lightning, and I'm not sure how to convey that they are fibers made of light rather than jolts of lightning shooting out.

But overall?

Overall, it's going incredibly well.

I'll need more layers for the skin, and everything left for me to draw is insanely hard. The alternating hair, the darkness tentacles, and the wings are all going to be tremendously difficult for me to figure out how to display.

But I was inspired, and overall, I am already insanely proud of what I have done so far. So, I've done a lot today and I am proud of my work.

The good:
-I streamed.
-I made significant progress on new stream background.
-I uploaded a youtube video.
-I also uploaded said video to tiktok too.
-I got the damned Elder Drake. (Still need the force of nature tho.)
-I might've finished hyper-roll placements, too?

The bad:
-I still haven't done the commands I said to do.
-I want to tweak the logo used.
-I need to do more extensive TOS research on YT.
-I haven't done the networking I should.
-I completely and entirely have been absent from the mafia site for effectively half a week now.
-I've not gone through my, very fragile, very numerous, very prone to being lost/scattered/damaged/etc. notes to get their info securely stored.

Well, it's a mixed bag, but I say that while the number of good is matched by the bad, the good is stronger than the bad overall.

​Gotta keep pushing tho.

I still need to continue my TFT grind. I did grind a little in FFVII getting the limit breaks I wanted but I need to get the max materia that I am chasing after.

I still need to write everything down.

I need to stay on top of hygiene better.

I've got a lot to do and no time today as I spent it all already.

Oh and tomorrow I need to stream. I need to remember to do that, too.

Probably will be doing an art stream, actually, but I need to download the art program I want to use. (I know that I should be learning Krita and I know that I replaced GIMP with FireAlpacca for a reason and Krita is allegedly better than both, but I don't know how to do what I want to do in Krita or FireAlpaca but I do know how to do it in GIMP.)

​So much I need to get done in such a short amount of time.

The new TFT set just dropped so I want to play a ton of TFT. (I am already disappointed that I played as little as I did.)
I still want to play more Final Fantasy VII.
I still want to work on my civ 3 mod.
I came up with an idea for my streaming starting screen which I need to draw.

​So much to do, so little time. (Depression not helping either.)

It's actually setting me up fairly well for content creation. I've began my youtube channel, so now I feel like I have all the socials I need to update things. I need intertwining across them all.

Youtube to all;
My blog to all;
Twitch to all;
My fanhouse to all;
My tiktok to all;
My twitter to all.
Maybe facebook.

I've done a fair amount of the work but as of right now for instance only three of the five/six are on my blog for instance and the gaps are similar everywhere. Twitter needs an update, twitch needs a small tweak, youtube might need a tweak, fanhouse needs an update, and so on and so forth.

I also need to, in every place that allows it, update my discord info to have them all.

Progress is progress tho and I'm making a ton.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough in content creation.

Now, admittedly.

I didn't do what I originally set out to do during my free time today.

I wanted to make emotes for my eventual channel.

And on that note--I've got a lot of art on a lot of sites that needs to be updated with better art. Which requires me to actually make the better art.

What I have everywhere. From my stream itself to my youtube to my blog to my twitch to my fanhouse to my twitter, all of it is temporary. I need to create, and then upload, better art everywhere, and get better at being more consistent in my branding.

​Today basically in a few hours makes up for basically a full week of having slacked off.

Now, granted.

It's not all good.

I spotted either a very large mouse or a fairly small rat in my room. (Could be some other rodent obviously that's similar, but obviously didn't get a good look at it.) It's possible we have an infestation, but I can't sleep in my room, meaning that I need to clean my room, and I didn't do that.

The rat infestation might be just one which also moved to my parents' room, or it could be more. It's not a good situation regardless tho, especially given that we have cats and while cats are quite good at killing rodents, we don't want them to because our cats are inside cats and we don't want them to get sick from killing disease-ridden rodents.

So it's a problem we need to fix sooner rather than later.

​But in other news, I managed to write a song. It was inspired by Yungblud's Fleabag.
(parentheses denote original lyrics which I reworded outside of the parentheses, except for the bridge)

I called it "Passing the Clock".
While I did get a tune for it, I lack the means currently to record it (the above was all me working towards getting that gap closed more), so for now, all you have is the lyrics.

[verse 1]
Every attempt to live my life
Just an act, balance on a knife.
It's a struggle for me, but I must try
The world's crushing (pressure's strong), (so) I barely get by.

From a distance, I'm smiling
But close to the mirror, my heart sinks
(The) Imperfection's glares not helping
Cracks in my disguise, my armor's chink.

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, I'm not bait;
It's not easy, controlling fate.
How you look, what you say
Every move, you ever make

One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

[verse 2]
Every day brings new danger to me
The way I walk, the way I talk, all exposing
I'm not who they thought, a loss of peace
Or so they say, in their hate, all encompassing

Avoiding attention, it's not for clout;
I want to be seen, that's no doubt
But only as me, standing so proud.
A sense of elation, is that allowed?

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, I'm not bait;
It's not easy, controlling fate.
How you look, what you say
Every move, you ever make

One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

[bridge, sung by a backup singer]
(The way you do your hair,)
(The way you sit in a chair,)
(The clothes that you wear,)
(Your life's not fair.)

(The way you do your hair,)
(The way you sit in a chair,)
(The clothes that you wear,)
(Your life's not fair.)

(the bridge then repeats, simultaneous to the prechorus)

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, (The way you do your hair,) I'm not bait;
It's not easy, (The way you sit in a chair,) controlling fate.
How you look, (The clothes that you wear,) what you say
Every move, you ever make
(Your life's not fair.)
One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?
(song abruptly ends)

​It is, quite obviously, a song about a transgender individual. I kept it reasonably generic, but, yes, it is a bit about me. I've been working a fair amount to try and be more feminine in every aspect of my life. I can't do voice that well yet but I will do what I can there. I'm working on my walk, I'm working on how I sit, I just want to try and be seen as more feminine, and I might be progressing there? But it's a constant struggle.

Still, though. I feel like I'm making progress there.

So good day overall.

It's not that I've done nothing, it's that after having done something I was up at a late enough time and/or so tired that I didn't write a blog (or remember to). It was time well spent tho, as I've been streaming Final Fantasy VII. (I also kinda want to look into putting my streams on Youtube, considered doing that today when I had the free time but I'm selfish so I prioritized other things that I probably shouldn't have put so much focus on.)

I will say this though.

I want to be a good streamer.

I want to be competent.

I want to be better.

I literally put in some time to create a background, starting screen, and break screen (tho I should also get a stream ending screen). I figured out how to put text on the screen of the stream.

I realize the art is terrible (MS Paint 5 minute art), and I need to replace it with better art once inspired. (I talked about this at the end of one of my streams--basically, I have seen plenty of starting/break/ending screens and how they handle overlays. But I need to be inspired in order to make a good one for myself. I can create it myself, but in order to do so, I need to have a vision on what I want to create, and I currently lack one.)

​But I still put in that attempt to improve.

And yet, it's still not good enough.

My streams are terrible.

The content of them can be good! The passion I have for Chrono Trigger is something that bridged how terrible the streams otherwise would be. The passion I have for FFVII similarly so! And my facial reactions, when I can show them on stream, are potentially entertaining. (Also there's occasional kitteh content.)

But the quality of the stream isn't great. I don't carry myself in a way which makes me a good streamer. And the stream lacks good bells and whistles. It's in a bad format. My equipment isn't great. My layout is slopping. My commands, my titles, everything, it's not great. It gets the job done, but getting the job done isn't good enough.

If I want to actually succeed as a streamer.

I need to get to a point where my streams are not terrible.

I have ideas on how to improve.

But right now all of them are just ideas.

They're not realized.

Some of my bigger fans, so to speak, will be supportive and say that I'm not terrible in my streams. After all, the content of them can be good! My passion for games can show, my reactions can be gold! (And bonus kitteh content is always welcome.) They would point that out, maybe add things like 'soothing', 'calm', 'chill', 'good to just vibe in', etc.

But the fact of the matter is, if they didn't know me already and want to support me already, they wouldn't be in my stream. They'd be elsewhere. They wouldn't find my content and stick around and stay--why would they? I don't have the streamer sense to be able to captivate new people coming in. I can't really show them how much I love their presence, how much I appreciate them, how much I want to vibe with them.

I'm autistic. I can't speak well. I don't know what to do, say, how to say it, and that's if I'm able to at all given that my streams frequently have no-mic periods thanks to my family.

​So by every metric, every objective rather than subjective metric, my streams are terrible.

I know that I can make them be better. At least theoretically. I know that they're already adequate, thanks to being hard-carried by the games I'm playing having such staying power that they bring folks in. But while the games I'm playing can keep me afloat.

I won't have made it until I have streams which have people show up and stay not out of obligation to me due to being friends/associates. But stay because they genuinely think my streams are worth watching no matter what. For people who have never interacted with me before, never seen me around. To come, see what I'm doing, and think that it's worth staying around for more because I've got a good thing going.

Nobody who is a current viewer of mine is capable of giving me that, or reassuring me that I have that, because all of my current viewers are said friends and associates, who have interacted with me before. They've seen me around. So they have those preexisting biases towards me. It needs to be from a complete and total stranger. And so far? I don't have it.

And right now, why would I?

I don't actually have a good thing going.

I have the potential to have a good thing going.

I have ideas, oh so many ideas, which if realized would elevate me to a much higher level.

But the ideas are unrealized and because they're unrealized? It means that the potential is just that. Potential, not actual. My streams are terrible.

I literally ended stream today and went "god I'm terrible at this". I actually had much stronger language than that, albeit language I've since forgotten in the process of writing this blog. (I actually started writing this blog specifically because I'd already tweeted so wanted to write down the thought in another medium, thinking that I'd make a one-liner blog. Turned out I had a bit more to say than that...and in the process, forgot what I was going to say originally.)

But whatever the sentence is that I was going to say, the sentiment still carries weight.

I hated myself for ending stream when I did. I wanted to keep going. And I realized just how bad my stream was the moment I stopped. It didn't end satisfactory. It wasn't something I felt good about. It was too short, and not only was it short, the content wasn't good. I wasn't on top of my game. I wasn't being full of commentary, reactions, etc. I was just...going through the motions.

And that makes it one of the worst streams I've done in months.

​I need to do better because that was unacceptably terrible.

In my defense...

...I've been really really busy with work.

Work has been going really well.

It's just that I've been way way way too swamped with the growing pains there for a blog.

I'll be blogging later in the week, doing more, but right now, just trying to work, do all the work, get in to work, and be good there.

I missed a day of blogging.

As much as I am trying to attempt to stay on top of things in my life, some things slip through.

I need to do followup doctor stuff for instance (they've slipped through) for instance even now, though today has been better than most for staying on top of things.

It's still got weaknesses, but it has also gotten a lot done, including a comic showing off my stupid sense of humor.

I didn't quite nail the execution behind this comic though. It was difficult to capture the whole concept.
My basic concept was: person comes up, reads the door.
Person knocks.
Person is told to read the sign.
Person tries to use various secret knocks.
Person leaves out of frustration.
Person returns, with the epiphany.
Person speaks 'Secret Knock', and is allowed to enter.
(Kinda sorta in the style of, "Speak Friend, and Enter" made famous by Lord of the Rings.)

Unfortunately, showing in a comic various different forms of possible secret knocks is rather difficult. After all, to display variants on knocks you kinda need sound, and all knocks written are written the same. I could maybe have attempted to show different variants on knocks, but space was also an issue in that I could only fit so much in a panel and also I could only make it be so long in a comic.

So unfortunately, I had to basically skip the "person tries to use various secret knocks" step and leave the comic's contents far more implied than explicit.

So I didn't get the comic quite as I liked it, but for a comic I made in MS paint in about an hour's worth of work while multitasking, that's still not too shabby. It could be better, obviously, and didn't get what I wanted, but I still think it works because when reading my own comic, I DO laugh at it.

If I laugh at my own comic, that means I have succeeded in the end. It was funny to ME.
And while I realize it's probably not funny to most people, I knew that from the getgo as the humor style is rathe niche and something fairly specific to me.

Still, tho, I'm ultimately satisfied with it and rather proud of what I did.

I'm slacking in other areas of my life I'm sure.

I can't stay on top of everything, after all.

But I AM trying to do as much as I can to stay on top as much of what I can.

...But as it is quite late and I am doing this after a night where I streamed (there's usually a good reason I don't blog on days that I stream--I get so tired when streaming that I usually go straight to bed after streaming), my thoughts are not as coherent as is ideal.

I feel like I should mention some of my mystical beliefs.

I've always been a believer in more of the spiritual side of stuff. I have my own beliefs, so I don't blindly believe in all of the (as the streamer I watch defines it) "woo woo" stuff, but a fair amount of the witchy things that I watch from this streamer I put a great deal of stock behind, including her tarot readings, whenever they resonate with me.

The tarot readings basically told me that I needed to apply for the jobs, which I did yesterday.

But they also gave me hints that streaming Chrono Trigger tonight was a good idea, and the universe aligned to make it so; there was nobody online that I wanted to watch, no professional game of League of Legends I considered a must-watch, I had done everything I needed to do in the day, so it all lined up and felt good to do.

Streaming is fun to me, even if the possibility of monetizing streams is a one in a million probably-impossible dream...but there's multiple reasons that I feel like doing it even if it isn't a viable career.

The first is that streaming might allow me to connect in other areas. Streaming isn't exclusive to games. It also covers art, even writing! And, yes, even talking about things! It allows me to talk about passions tonight, for instance, tonight I touched upon my first-ever story that I began writing! Even if streaming isn't the key to my future, it could serve as a tool to help me key in to my future.

A stream could end up helping me focus on a project, a story, help talk about it, get it more tangible. A stream could connect me to people. A stream could help me find people to make projects of mine I am passionate about come to reality.

The second is that streaming helps me relate to streamers I watch. Watching streamers eats up a significant portion of my life. Every waking minute, I have at least one stream, often two (sometimes even three!), in the background. And in those communities, most of the people I am close to, some who could maybe be worth calling 'friends' (not sure if they call me friends and I'm not sure if I am objectively close enough to them to be worthy of that title but I would call them friends), are also streamers.

By streaming myself, I get to better understand their own experiences with streaming. So that when they talk about it, I know what they mean from experience myself, so that I can relate to them better. It allows me to connect with them more, talk with them more, interact with them more, from a perspective that is more knowledgeable than that of someone who hasn't streamed.

​The third is that streaming is actually amazing practice at just talking. I am not the most competent at talking, but I am getting better and better at it...via streaming. Streaming is actually teaching me how to talk, a skill I had lost from a year of quarantine where talking was kept to a minimum. Streaming to help me prepare for the outside world would be reason enough to stream, but there's more!

The fourth is that streaming allows me to practice other good practices, too. Streaming is giving me practice at managing social media. Streaming is giving me practice at social networking. Streaming is giving me practice at basically...well, being able to manage my life and aspects of it. These skills should, if I keep practicing them (and I do so every time I stream!) translate to any future endeavors of mine.

If I ever write something.

Whenever I make art.

The practices I am practicing on streaming, translate to those things.

It could even be a key for me creating a passion project like Phyrra and Cyrus! After all...if I am actively networking and keeping folks updated, the skills I am practicing now could translate into managing updates on a passion project and keeping it going, showing it off, etc.

But fifth and finally?

Streaming's just fun to do. Even if nobody shows up, even if I am talking to the air. I wouldn't do something I didn't genuinely enjoy. I think that I could actually be good at streaming, so if I could make money from it eventually, that would be cool! But, inherently, that would just be a bonus. It would be an extra. Even if I wasn't good at streaming, even if I never make money from streaming, even if streaming never helped me out?

It wouldn't need to.

Because streaming is just fun for me. And do I really need any other reason than that to stream? It's fun. It's relaxing. It's something I genuinely enjoy. After all, I am playing games in my spare time anyway; when I've the ability to, why not stream it as well? I wouldn't stop playing Chrono Trigger if I wasn't streaming, after all, but if I am playing it I may as well stream some of it.

This has actually gotten me to talk to someone at least once! I think twice, actually. Me being me, I didn't do nearly as much talking as is ideal so the folks I talked to probably lost interest in me, but hey, it was still nice to talk to them about a game I am passionate about, and that is something that I can't do while playing the game and not streaming.

I can talk about a game I am passionate about when not playing it. Say on a forum, on a discord, in a twitch chat (not that twitch chat talks have any permanence), you get the idea. I can play a game I am passionate about when not talking about it. But the only way to do both at the same time is to stream it. (Or record it, but same basic principle.)

And talking about games I am passionate about while playing them is fun. I enjoy myself a lot.

​I think I had more non-streaming stuff to talk about but I can't remember. This should suffice for a blog tonight tho.