...Albeit because I feel like I want to put it here rather than in the rather obscure place it was.

I'll give some extra context.

Basically, I've been wanting to return to my art for months--not just the art for streams, like emotes, background art, icon art, stream overlays, etc.

I've been wanting to work on more personal art.

Drawing Chloe.
Drawing kat.
Drawing kat with Bastet.
Drawing other facets.

Revisiting past art.

And, yes...resuming work on my webcomic.

But, I know that realistically speaking, I have a lot going on.

Still, I've been inspired. Art friends from art discords encourage me with art, and I always feel guilty when they ask me for OCs and such that I have so little to offer them.

I recently went and looked at all the 22 pages of Red Hood Rider I made, scanned, and uploaded, but never finished past the fourth.

A lot of it is bad, but a great deal of it is passable or even great, even now. Can easily be touched up and fixed to be viable, usable, doable.

...Yet...despite my passion...

...I have other priorities.

So, I figured I'd fill the people in, the commentors I saw leave comments, by giving them this.

​A lot has changed in my life since I set out to create Red Hood Rider which has caused the comic to take a seemingly-permanent, definitely-indefinite-until-otherwise-noted hiatus. There were a lot of factors as to why.

Life stressed me out, in ways that I've since forgotten.

I was suffering from severe burnout, trying to do too many things all at once.

I was suffering from severe art block.

2016 - 2019 are largely a blur to me, and I genuinely don't remember what happened in that timeframe.

I'm pretty sure I began dating my former-girlfriend (who is still a good friend to this day) some time in that timeframe, and they became my top priority for the entire time we were dating.

Then the pandemic hit, and I lost my job.

I came out to my family in June 2021.

I landed a new job, as a Lead Lifeguard (now called Aquatic Lead).

I got very very heavily involved in the twitch stream culture, which pretty much consumed my life. I existed exclusively on twitch and discord, for years. 

Fast-forward to 2023, and in a (now-ex-)friend's private friend discord, I began to bond with someone I had known since 2020 in the streaming sphere. I became a good friend of theirs, and vice-versa. We ended up on said ex-friend's server getting dragged into something that I don't want to detail on this blog here, but to keep a long story short; we were trying to do the right thing, and I genuinely believe we were, looking back, more in the right than in the wrong.

Again, not going to go into the details, but I believe a streamer, the streamer we all met through, is a genuinely problematic person. Back in 2023, we caught a bunch of that streamer's red flags, but we believed the streamer to still be a good person, and were intending to do what we did to help them and the community. With all that happened, my belief that "most people are good, all people are flawed" has progressively been put to the test. I hold it true, but the benefit of the doubt I gave to the streamer being among the good-yet-flawed has eroded the more and more I learned by unpacking the events of 2023.

All throughout this year, I've been realizing that despite my belief...some people aren't nearly as good as I thought they were. Namely the streamer I genuinely believe to be a problematic person...but also the now-ex-friend and their partner. They KNEW everything that we did, and didn't do. They KNEW what we had on the streamer, and what we were trying to do. They KNEW we were trying to do the right thing. They KNEW someone wasn't guilty. But they chose their friendship with the problematic streamer over doing the right thing.

They chose gaslighting me over being truthful with me. They tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and otherwise lied and became culpable in the problematic streamer's actions because they KNEW all of the bad things about the problematic streamer...and chose their closeness with the problematic streamer over exposing the problematic streamer's lies and misinformation. They chose to further frame and otherwise blame a victim of a misinformation campaign.

The problematic streamer abused their position of trust and authority to lie, manipulate, and gaslight everyone into believing that a would-be-whistleblower was problematic. He lied about his friendship with that victim, claiming that they had issues being parasocial with him when HE was the one who initiated friendship with THEM. And he used this to get them banned across our sphere of twitch overnight--with nobody, not a single streamer, listening to the other person, to see if maybe there was some kind of misunderstanding, maybe there was some kind of mistake, etc. Nobody gave them a chance; everyone believed the problematic streamer.

Except me.

Because I was there.

I was one of the eight people involved in exposing the problematic streamer's problematic traits. I was there, so I remember what went on. The ex-friends were two of the eight, I was a third, and the friend I got close to in 2023 on that server was a fourth...

...And that friend needed me. When all of this went down, I knew they would need a friend. I was already in love with them, but I wanted to make sure they survived. They had a close call, having written out a suicide note and planned out how to unalive, but I saved their life with my persistence.

And we further bonded.

And eventually, I confessed my feelings, and they confessed they reciprocated.

So we started dating as of August 16th 2023.

I spent the majority of 2023 gaslighting myself about the events above. I genuinely believed we were in the wrong until this year, until midway through 2024! I thought we were problematic, we were the issue. At my most kind, I thought "everyone involved was a good person, their flaws just interacted in a horrible way that left the situation exploding in the most ugly way possible". But at my lowest, I thought myself a monster, and nearly took my own life in December of 2023 because of that belief.

But, a lot of healing has happened since. The friend I first met in 2020, who I bonded with starting in 2023, who needed my help, who I fell in love with, who I started dating on August 16th 2023? They moved in with me on November 3rd 2023. They proposed to me a month later, on December 3rd 2023 becoming my fiance. We moved in to a place of our own on December 4th 2023.

It's been a struggle. They moved from Michigan to my state of Washington in order to be with me. They haven't had a job, despite searching. And I don't make enough to support two people. Finances have been stressful, life has been stressful, and my job has been soul-sucking, draining the life out of me. I've been burnt out and otherwise unable to have much in the way of free time.

...But...

...The good news is, we are on the upswing.

I am getting married on October 31st 2025 to the love of my life.

Now, I am going to be busy prepping for the wedding until then.

And there's other things I want to pursue and achieve.

I've become a Twitch Affiliate. I've gotten a place with the love of my life. I've gotten a better work schedule. My wife-to-be has landed a job. Things are going well for us and we are going forward...

...But I am going to be too busy for the webcomic for years.

...Yet Red Hood Rider WILL return. Eventually.

I want to pursue writing my novel. A different novel than the one in 2016 (I lost that one when my flashdrive got corrupted, crushing me), but a novel nonetheless.

I want to pursue content creation.

But...when I am married, living with the love of my life, with my novel closer to being made...

...I am planning to return to Red Hood Rider. My goal is before 2028.

I know, that's a 12 year wait for the webcomic. But, with luck, if all goes my way, then I will be in a position where I can finish what I started, over 8 years ago. Here's to hoping!


Now, for readers of this blog, this is nothing new. I've been talking about these events ad nauseum. This blog through all of 2023 and 2024 chronicles  my journey  remarkably  well (especially  later  on as I became  more comfortable), with discord and social media detailing the rest. Blog readers are probably tired of me rehashing the same thing over and over again. You know what went on by now.

And, for that, I do apologize.

But, I felt the need to explain it again.
I'll likely only talk about it going forward for the purpose of therapy, new revelations, things I feel I need to say. (For instance, there's one thing I want to touch on regarding someone who once called me "a good friend", and how I genuinely believe that person is in danger of becoming a victim of this streamer and/or our ex-friends. I want to talk about that more at some point, but not today.)

I've mostly aired out my thoughts. You've likely read them, repeatedly, or at least skimmed them. You don't need me to rehash it again and again and again. So you'll see me talk about it less and less, until I'm not talking about it at all. Still, I apologize. I'm not yet at the "not talking about it at all" stage, which means you once more get exposed to me talking about what went down.

Again, the basic summary as quickly as I can put it chronologically;
An ex-friend had a private friend server for their friends which both myself and my fiance were members of in 2023. Its members all met through a streamer I now believe is problematic.
An artist and vip in said streamer's chat had a rant on March 19th (I was wrong about it being on the 20th, 21st, or 23rd, the screenshot verifies it was on the 19th) and was joined in by a couple of other longtime regulars. To prevent the chat from dominating the venting thread it was in, the server owner (a now-ex-friend) created a subthread for us to let our frustrations out. Eight people ended up involved. The server owner, their partner, the art friend, a couple of other long-time community members, myself, my fiance, and another person not really part of the community.

We collected a long list of problematic traits. We believed the streamer to be a good person at the time, so when we collected these things, we were trying to do so to help the streamer and the community improve, because we wanted to help everyone improve, better themselves, etc. 

Separately, on that server, I fell in love with my fiance for the non-venting-hangouts, completely without involvement to the problematic streamer.

Midway through the year, on my birthday, the streamer found out my wife-to-be had been ranting about them. They abused their authority to get my fiance completely removed from basically every space they were in on twitch. They lied, gaslit people, and turned the love of my life into a pariah, when they were a whistleblower who was in the perfect position to expose the problematic streamer as being problematic. It wasn't just that my wife-to-be was a mod for the streamer. It was their relationship beyond them being a mod.

We had all of the information, back in 2023, to expose the problematic streamer as being problematic.

But in our naivety, in our idealism, in our optimism, in our blind faith, we genuinely believed at the time the problematic streamer wasn't problematic. We thought the streamer was human with flaws we could help them with, not realizing just how bad they actually were behind the scenes. Our closeness, our fondness, for the problematic streamer blinded us to how the streamer was in fact problematic.

When the streamer poisoned people's minds and turned the public against my fiance (not a single person heard out my wife-to-be except me, and that didn't change until late 2023 and heading into 2024 when more people began to hear us out), our ex-friends (the server owner and their partner) chose their closeness and friendship with the problematic streamer over being truthful, over trying to do the right thing.

In fact, they knowingly and deliberately tried to gaslight me. They lied to me, they tried to manipulate me, they used every emotional manipulation tactic in the book to try and get me on their side. I made the mistake of believing them unaware. I made the mistake of believing they didn't know what they were doing. I made the mistake of believing they were being accidental in the malice of their actions. I made the mistake of thinking they could have unintentionally been biased.

But they knew.

Jumping ahead a year later when I showed the conversation to my fiance, they pointed something out to me that I hadn't noticed previously, hadn't noticed in a full year of having had the conversation. They pointed out a contradiction which could not have been accidental. They pointed out what was in hindsight, a deliberate lie on the part of the ex-friends who lied to me and tried to cover it up by being vague and not talking about the specifics which would reveal the key contradiction.

They knew it was a contradiction. They didn't care. Because they valued the problematic streamer over their friendship with my fiance, and they valued defending the problematic streamer over honesty, over doing the right thing, over pursuing the truth. They gaslit me, and presumably encouraged the same thing the problematic streamer did, encouraging people to ban my fiance.

They knew everything I did. They chose to lie and protect the problematic streamer and further the problematic streamer's abuse rather than honesty and accountability. They are just as culpable as the problematic streamer. And when the problematic streamer is exposed as such, these ex-friends will probably not instantly be exposed for their part in the problematic streamer's crimes. But let me tell you this, here and now.

They knew.

They KNEW.

Just as kels and I know.

Now, I want to be clear. It took kels months before they realized the problematic streamer is problematic. It took me until this year to. In fact, I didn't think the problematic streamer was assuredly problematic until midway through the year. We had all the information back in 2023, but I wouldn't blame them for having not realized it.

kels didn't know what we were working on exposing. I didn't know. The ex-friends wouldn't have, either.

But they still knew what we were doing, and deliberately propagated the lie that has become widely believed by the masses. They deliberately furthered a lie they knew to be a lie, deliberately gaslit people, deliberately misled people. They chose the problematic streamer over my fiance. And they, by virtue of having remained close to the problematic streamer, have had one of the best positions to realize they backed the wrong horse.

They have had over a FULL YEAR to realize the problematic streamer is in fact problematic. They have had a full year to reexamine and reevaluate events. They have had a full year to question their actions and what they did. And in that time, they have only gotten closer to the problematic streamer, more trusted by the problematic streamer.

They knew what the problematic streamer did...and they chose the problematic streamer over exposing the problematic streamer's problematic nature and telling the truth.

So when the problematic streamer is exposed as problematic...these ex-friends will likely try to initially distance themselves, to protect themselves, to save face, to try and make themselves look innocent, or even look like victims.

They aren't victims.

They are accomplices.

They knowingly and deliberately aided and abated the problematic streamer and helped the problematic streamer get away with spreading a lie, with gaslighting, with abusing their authority. They helped gaslight and spread the lie. They helped him, every step of the way, choosing their friendship and closeness with him over doing the right thing.

​I can't give them the benefit of the doubt, just as I can't give the problematic streamer the benefit of the doubt.

I know that the individuals aren't scum of the earth. They're not completely horrible people. They're not wholly terrible people through and through. The problematic streamer has merits and isn't a complete and total monster through and through. The ex-friends are by all accounts good friends to those they choose to remain close to. They're not horrible altogether.

But they aren't good people either.

The problematic streamer is still problematic.
The ex-friends are willing knowing deliberate accomplices of the problematic streamer.

Mid-2023 both me and kels reacted badly and made mistakes. We're not blame-free. But we ended up gaslighting ourselves into thinking we were horrible. We thought ourselves monsters. We thought ourselves to be terrible. We thought ourselves to be absolute garbage who did horrible wrongs, didn't deserve to live, were monsters, villains. We talked ourselves into thinking we didn't deserve anything except scorn, and deserved to be banned.

A belief which lasted even when we began to romance each other.

And in 2024, we've begun to heal.

We've began to unpack the events which happened.

We've begun to see how we were always good people, wonderful people, who were trying to do the right thing.

And with reflection, we've managed to look at the actions of others and see..."hey...wait a minute..." regarding what they did, and realize we had been giving them benefit of the doubt where none should have been given. We thought them good, and time has shown how they very much aren't.

And we're healing. We're moving on. We're rebuilding our lives, together. I still maintain my belief. "Most humans are good, all humans are flawed". I just have shifted where I believe the problematic streamer lies on the spectrum, as well as the ex-friends.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter. I believe they will be exposed with time. Even if they aren't, even if they end up getting away with it...it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to succeed in spite of their efforts to sabotage our lives. The ex-friends orchestrated a campaign of misinformation which nearly drove me to kill myself, twice. Both in December of 2023 and this year. They didn't succeed, and I am resolved to make sure they never do.

That despite their efforts, I will build my happiness with my wife. We will live our lives together, happy, content. I'm going to focus on my novel and art, my content creation. I intend to have the stability and success that by 2028, I'll have gotten into a space where I can pursue picking Red Hood Rider back up, and continuing my work.

It's been a long, difficult, hard road, and our journey is nowhere near complete.

But I have full confidence in myself, my future, and my wife, that we will achieve the success and overcome all of the obstacles thrown our way.

We're not out of the woods.

But I truly believe the worst is behind us, that the times ahead will be better than the times behind, that our future is great and that we are going to have a wonderful life together.

I'm manifesting it.

So, thank you for reading this and for giving me this support. I hope I can give you something in return for it. <3

To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

Right now, if I am staying busy, I'm definitely doing okay, feeling like about a 7/10.

But when I am just resting, no matter how much I remind myself how much I literally just spent hours of time getting done, I feel like I am doing nothing.

I literally made art that I am proud of today! Like, I am actually PROUD of my art??? That never happens! But I keep looking at it, over and over again, and am so proud of everything I got done.

Like, is it perfect? Well, no! Of course not! I'm a mediocre artist at best, objectively speaking. I'm not terrible, to be sure, but I'm far from a professional. You can see all the imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies, etc., if you look...

...But for what I am capable of, this is the top of the charts, effectively. Maybe I could make small improvements here and there, but it's still very good!!!

And I did it today! I put in the work to update not one, not two, but three of my emotes!!! (I still need to work on the facepalm emote more, but I could probably also release a v3 of the rBree2F emote.)

And I got it done! In one day! And I love the result! It's the kind of thing I look at and go, "WOW! ...I made that???"

It's stunning. It's beautiful. Like, yeah. I get it, there's reasons to go "this isn't great". To a well-trained eye from a better artist, they would look at it and go, "why are you proud of that? It's not great." And even I will probably join them in on that eventually.

But FOR MY CAPABILITIES, especially IN THE TIME I DID IT, this is INCREDIBLY good. Amazingly good.

And I should be proud of it, right?

And I am proud of it!

...Except, the moment I stop staring at what I've done.

The thoughts creep into my mind to think, "I have done nothing."

There's the thought that I haven't done anything today.

Despite me literally staring at the proof I did something.

So then I decided to keep busy.

And I did more. I did more.

I did more bits badges.

I did more sub badge art.

And now, I am continuing to be busy by writing a blog!

Two days of blogging, with a longer blog at that, in a row?

Why wouldn't I be proud of that?

...Well because depression doesn't care about logic.

Depression is causing a deep pain which tells me, illogically, irrationally, I am doing nothing, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting my life.

I don't know what I can really do to get rid of it, other than waiting it out, and continuing to remind myself I have a lot to be proud of having accomplished.

There's a lot of things I will need to continue to do. We're still in a financially tight position. I haven't looked at how to get paid donations. I haven't picked up my meds. I haven't looked into how eligible we are for SNAP and the food bank and similar.

I know. I need to do that kind of work, and I'm not.

But...I am still doing good!

I just wish my brain could see it the way others do.

In the meanwhile though...continuing to grind. I'm making some time for games, but we'll be doing as much as we can.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning. 

Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.

Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.

We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.

I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.

Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.

It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.

Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.

And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.

Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.

​We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.

​But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now. 

I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.

I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.

Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.

I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.

I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.


Let's share the prototype.
​Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.



Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.


Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.


Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.


Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.


Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.

My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.


Words I use are always imperfect, 
Yet I show my love despite the defects.


Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé. 

Words are how I show my yearning, 
Words are proof of my earnings. 



I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.

Words carry such healing power, 
Words give strength to what matters.


Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.


Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.


When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.


Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined. 


Words are my compass, guiding


Words kind
Mine


They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned. 


My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.

Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.


Words I can’t always give in full form free, 
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.

Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.


Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.

Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.


Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.


Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.








I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.



As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.

I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.

I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.

I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.

I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.

In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.

I'm doing well on my workouts.

Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.

And I even have a new updated Smug emote.

...but I guess I still want to try.

I had an inservice for work today, which ate up a lot of the day, but otherwise it's been mostly vibes.

I logged back into reddit after a long abstinence, and found that reddit has a user post page, which might mean I begin to mirror my blog posts to reddit as well. Four posts is a little bit more effort than three, but hey, it's still a manageable number. I don't really have much to say. I guess, for my blog and for any mirrors which will allow it on a text blog as an upload with the blog, I'll share the art I'm working on.

I've uploaded it as-is as a temporary emote to my twitch channel, but I need to keep working on it. The emotion is great, the smirk and face behind it is amazingly good, but the lineart, the hair, the shading, they all need to be worked extensively upon.

Still, getting a prototype "I'll replace this with the better finished version later" is better than not having it at all, so like...I'm happy I have at least a prototype to finish. This is a massive work in progress, but a WIP is better than no work at all and I am proud of myself for having done it.

I think that might be all I have to really share today? I'm making small amounts of progress, albeit not doing everything I want to. Today had a spiritual experience where I accidentally did something I have never done before. It was an experience where I basically was...elsewhere. Talking to someone. And then I overwhelmingly felt their emotions. I wasn't welcome. I snapped out of it and realized that wasn't me just thinking of something, I was actually EXPERIENCING it.

Life is lifeing.

So I didn't do nearly as much as I wanted to, but I've gotten strides towards better hygiene and upkeep, shopped, have been paying attention to my fiance more, and got a bunch of work done! My socials are mostly networked together with my content creation and my discord is nearly functional. I do still need to finish setting up the pinned messages for each channel, the permissions for each channel, and the bots, but I'm nearly finished.

I still have to work on my mirror blog, which I've continued to neglect, and while I didn't do art, I remembered I could share these masterpieces on here.

The first is an approved tier two emote, the second is a submitted (not yet approved) tier three emote, for my twitch channel.

And, yes, they are big memes and nothing more.

So like--I'm not really accomplishing MUCH, but...it's not nothing! I'm doing stuff. Not as much as I'd prefer, but not nothing at all!

​I'll take the wins where I can get them.

The only reason I have more time than I thought to make a blog at all is that the person we were going to go on a double-date with had to do a rain check due to work-related reasons at the last minute. We think/hope the double date will still happen on a later day, it just can't happen today, which gives me a tad bit more time I otherwise wouldn't have in order to post a blog.

Tonight is still the Sapphic Valentine's Day dance party, and we're still going. I'm in the process of getting ready.

In the meanwhile though, I should say.

I've begun to use bluesky, Mastodon, and Threads, and will soon tackle using ko-fi as well.

My discord has almost every bot added I wanted. There's one I can't add and one which may no longer exist, but otherwise I have them all added.

I have all the channels I can think of without referring to screenshots I kept on my desktop. (My desktop has screenshots of various discords I was in that I wanted for my own personal reference for when I wanted to make my own. And now I have!) There's a couple discords I lost access to which I was never expecting to, so I didn't get the bots there or the channel layouts there, but I am going to get as much as I can get.

I still need to set up pinned messages for every channel which needs them, and to set the bot permissions properly, and to go through the roles properly, and go through the channels to make sure each is set up correctly, but I'm like 95% of the way towards my discord being ready to be made available.

I've done some more art. Nothing special, all of these were MS Paint (well, one was MS Paint originally, I just remade it in krita quickly), but I've done some basic art.

Yeah, I know, nothing remarkable. I need to do better art later. But, it's at least a start!

I need to set up ko-fi, finish setting up discord, and I need to update my socials to cross-link to each other.
Twitch, with all the commands and ideally pannels, too.
Discord, with the social links.
YouTube, with the links.
My Blog, with the links in the sidebar.
Twitter, with both my accounts there.
TikTok, with my profile there.
Instagram, with my profile there.
Threads, with my profile there.
Mastodon, with my profile there.
Bluesky, with my profile there.

And to cross-post.

But I am getting work done. Maybe not the work I need to. I really want to do a celebratory stream. I have work trainings to get done.

But, I'm keeping myself productive, and things are progressing. Probably need to synchronize twitch to my discord, too.

Still. Things are going.

I'm not going as fast as I'd prefer.
I'm not doing as much as I ought to.
But, I'm starting to.

And eventually, the work I'm doing now will pay off in a big way.

I can feel it.

Today will get disappointingly little done, but I'll be busy enjoying myself with my fiance at a wonderful event.

So it's going to be a nothingness day, but hopefully can still get things done.

​I need to restart working on keeping my mirror blog up to date, too. But, for now, I'm doing very little.

And that's okay.

I am still doing a lot.

Not as much as I want.

​But a lot.

Well here's to hoping, at the very least!
I've been having a lot of wins today.
I got naps in at work.
I brushed my teeth.
I brushed my hair.
I took a shower, shampooing.
I changed my clothes.
I'm on day two of staying up to date on ComicFury.
I got caught up in mafia games.
Over the weekend I got league/tft quests finished.
I've done a little bit of art, too.
And now, I'm blogging, too!

Pretty much the only things I've note done today:
Writing (well I took notes, but better notes or writing, not done),
Work training,
Working out,
Keeping up to date on discord.
Anything else?
Inevitably, I'm forgetting something--I'll remember what I've forgotten only when going to bed likely.

But yeah, all in all: things are going good for me right now.
​It probably says something about me that I'm expecting to hit a hard wall again and crash & burn...again. Again, again.
Things aren't perfect right now but they are going great. "Too great" is the feeling.

I apparently can't accept I deserve to have wins in my life.

Or rather, have been conditioned to accept any time things begin to look up, something will cause me to crash down.

Let's hope I can avert that fate this time.

I've good momentum for keeping control over my life.

​I really don't want to lose it.

Gotta send an email to my father real quick about some tech stuff.

I've not worked on my story today, but I finally finally finally​ have reintroduced myself to ComicFury! Am slowly dipping my toes back in, cautiously.

Eventually I might disclose my plurality. CF was where I first became aware of me being trans, from them starting threads about it. I'm wondering if they had a plurality breakthrough as well during my absence, but if not...hoo boy would that mean my introduction would be awkward. So I'm being cautious about it.

Butyeah. Gotta keep working on story stuff and rl stuff.

I need to do my full workout tomorrow, maybe nap. If I leave work and get stuck in hard traffic because I left at like 4 pm: so be it. I've got nothing important tomorrow.

I also need to write a (fairly negative) medical review.

Gotta keep moving forward. Slow steps!