Okay so today has a good explanation for my, namely, one unfortunate dream cascading into an endless cycle of repeating the same equally bad dream.

Basically, I dreamed that I woke up to my alarm--
And then I jolted awake when somehow I sensed I was not awake in spite of having remembered waking.

So in real life, I was awake, after that dream. Unfortunate, but one-time disruption, right?

...Well after that, because I had the dream I woke up to my alarm, I told myself to not fall for it again.
Which caused my subconscious to instead treat every single dream as "oh no I slept through my alarm".

Meaning I basically got no sleep last night at all.

Butstill.

I literally had a blog I wanted to make.

I would like to not be so sleepy that I can't make it.

Ah well.

​Maybe tomorrow.

Literally, considering that I am sweating less than I should and thus my skin is warm/hot to the touch in spite of my body itself not being feverish. (Yes I do have a doctor appointment for this since yes it is in fact a fairly concerning thing, but not until like May 12th as that's the soonest I could get and they didn't think it was "go to the hospital RIGHT NOW" urgent.)

But like. Mentally I'm doing incredibly poorly with head racing spinning thoughts etc. and physically I've got a lot of (pardon the language) shit to deal with in that everything is just not functioning as it should in my body right now so like.

Spiraling is a happening.

​But, can't speak, gotta go to bed for work tomorrow.

As a reminder, I should be going straight to bed from Wednesday night to Thursday morning due to closing shift tonight into opening shift tomorrow. So no blog tonight, if I'm being responsible.

(Spoiler alert: 'if' is there because I am not responsible...)

I wanna quickly mention that I did have a major breakthrough in my plurality yesterday and that's one of the things I should be blogging about, but I used up all of my energy yesterday on just sifting through the breakthrough so I don't have the ability to record it here yet.

IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).

And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.

So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.

It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.

I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.

And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.

So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.

​But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.

I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)

After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.

Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?

But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.

I still have a clear idea of what I really want.

I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.

But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.

I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.

There was a time when I was a very nasty person.

So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.

But while I have continued to fail.

I still wish to try.

Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.

To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.

I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.

But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.

​Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.

Yeah I don't really have much more to say on the subject.
I should, I just...I'm exhausted and I genuinely just. Don't feel like talking more about it. I had a bad day at work today.

Post-work vibes were nice but I didn't stream.

​I'm doing nothing again and it sucks.

And a like a timelord, I'm about to enter into a portal into the future, thus the title. The moment I leave this computer for work, I will magically enter into a realm where the next time I have access to the internet freely is Thursday afternoon/evening. Magical, time travel! Which I don't really want to, but I have no choice.

​Because it's actually just work. (Closing Wednesday shift into opening Thursday shift.)

I'm beginning to increasingly fear that every day might be the last day for my blog.

If I were really smart?

I'd create a backup, step by step, meticulously copying over every entry.

I should look into doing that eventually, but for now?

I'm not smart, I'm dumb.

I will say tho that today's not been very fun with repeated power hits. Each made me feel like it was the last, each knocked out my computer, and one lasted for what had to have been almost two hours. When it finally came back tho, I took the opportunity to start being smart in a different way.

I have eleven windows of Google Chrome tabs. It might seem excessive and a horrific nightmare to people, but each of those windows actually has a dedicated purpose. One window is a resource for streaming, a different window is a dedicated tab I use for streaming (the two need to augment each other and cannot be combined), I have a window for work-related stuff, I have a window for things that I read, I have a window for my default window containing my original window that still contains most of the important stuff, I have a window for my online games, I have a window for skype and stuff relating to my good friend, I have another window that is basically 'future projects' stuff, I have a "this is the window I open new tabs in" window (which also serves as my hub for a fandom I'm a part of), a window for discord (as well as really important emergency links, which is what discord is for me), and then a window for watching twitch.

Each of those windows has multiple tabs. The lower end is 3-4, the average is probably closer to 8-12, the highest like 20-30 (that'd be the future projects tab since I uh...have a lot in mind for my future obviously), but today I did some reorganizing, streamlining, and basically cleaning up of them, in addition to having actually saved the links to literally every. single. one. Of the ones I was using. (And that allowed me to actually close some that I wasn't expecting to actually really use in the future barring really really specific urges returning, like Kingdom of Loathing.)

Basically, I recorded, documented, and otherwise archived a bunch of my Chrome stuff, while going through and streamlining/cleaning/organizing it as well. Which will definitely help me a lot. (I also basically developed an official order for the tabs, although every time explorer does the soft-reboot it messes with the preferred order.)

Anyway, I feel like I am mostly better from my initial sickness, although I am very very very worried about a followthrough infection developing. I'm recovering, each day better than the last, but I need to be continuing to do good things in order to ensure no infection, including recovering swiftly.

I really want to be better by tomorrow so that I can return to work, and I really don't want to miss my endocrinology appointment this Thursday.

​Still tho: I'm cautiously optimistic.

It started with snow--lots and lots of snow.
Lots and lots and lots of snow. (Ultimately, over a foot of snow.)

Then, work was canceled. After I had already arrived.

Then, my car died while at work. Which is a .75-1.25 hour drive on a good day. As a reminder, there was snow, so much snow that even the freeways were whiteout conditions. So that 45 minutes on a good day was two hours.

And then came the long, long drive back home. With us having to leave the dead car there.

And once home, what did I do?

Waste time, that's what.

And today has been full of depression.

No civ 3 mod progress.

Nothing productive done at all.

I literally filled my day with playing Dead by Daylight (first half of the day) and TFT (second half of the day).

While DBD is proving to be quite fun and I'm actually getting some progress towards what I want (my goal: unlock all the killers you aren't required to pay rl money for, get adept on all of them, and prestige3 them all) in that I got adept on Trapper recently and today got adept on Wraith, it's slowed down on Hillbilly since, well...he's an M2 killer unlike Trapper and Wraith (who're both M1 killers), and, well...I'm barely competent at M1 killers so I'm totally incompetent with the chainsaw.

And on TFT? Backwards progress. I started at 86 LP (which is 3 LP below where I was before I streamed on Wednesday night). I got 8th, then 1st. You'd think that 8th to 1st would be an approximately equal LP gain/loss and zero out to return me to that 80 LP range, but as it turns out, no, in fact they are not. After the 1st place, I found myself down 20 LP from before, in the 60s.

Not that it mattered, as after that? 7th, then 6th. Placing me at 0 LP, at which point I entered my standard 0 LP plan: spam mutants every single game.

Usually, that gets me 1-3 wins fairly quickly.

It took me four games to get one top-four, and it was just that: fourth place.

And at that point it was like 4:30 am, which this blog is being written shortly after on.

​I wanted to do a bonus stream, but since it took my family until 4 am to go to bed, I just...can't muster the ability to do so. I just...want to go to sleep and probably waste tomorrow, too.

So I can tell that I am depressed, and fairly strongly so, too.

So it's 4:15 am when I'm writing this meaning I'm already 15 minutes late to bed.

But today was a 'whoops' worse than yesterday--I genuinely spent over six and a half hours on my Civ 3 mod tonight. Started working on it pretty much at 9 pm precisely, and didn't stop until three forty-five am.

And then I realized I hadn't eaten dinner--when I had already accidentally skipped eating dinner yesterday due to negligence (I forgot). I got called out in a tarot reading for not having good self-care, and tonight is a night proving precisely why.

I have a story that I want to blog about while it's fresh, but I can't do that if I am stupidly spending literally my entire day on a Civ 3 mod.

(Speaking of all day, work will be all of my day tomorrow--I won't get a chance to write a blog since I'll be getting ready for work in the morning, at work all of the day, and go straight to bed once home due to work on Thursday, so I'll be missing a day of blogging, regrettably. Sucks when I've been having some modicum of momentum, but it's unavoidable. Well, at least unavoidable if I want to be healthy and get the required amount of sleep in a night.)

And even on that mod, I keep on forgetting to actually ask about the Conquest Scenario buildings to see if someone's done the work there. Given that the map is actually nearly 75% complete (I worked on it for six hours today, that shouldn't really come as a surprise since while I need to add rivers and mines and irrigation from non-Rise scenarios, I legit did 100% of the Rise of Rome map tonight, so that leaves Mesopotamian, Middle Ages, Age of Discovery if it's not already done, and Napoleon--speaking of which, I've now done both the Vikings and the Germans today with me having done the Hordes and Turks yesterday, so I genuinely have only Russia left), and the next step will be the extensive civilopedia work which will be the time to have the buildings, I need to stop forgetting like a dummy dum dum and actually ask.

​But that'll have to wait until Thursday at the earliest, given that I work at 5:45 am (meaning up at 3:30ish am) on Thursday meaning Wednesday will be work->home->bed.

So I was available to have content creation at ~2:15.
I kept working on my Civ 3 mod.
I decided to stop at ~2:45 when I took a bathroom break, but in the bathroom I had a flash of inspiration/desire to make an edit that I knew I'd forget if I didn't. So more time down the drain.

At this stage I knew I wouldn't have the time to devote to content creation anymore, but I figured I'd still go to bed early to give myself 8 hours of sleep and wake up early tomorrow so that I can take the shower I need.

And then I logged in to do mafia stuff.

I figured it'd be quick enough.

It's now past 4, meaning instead of being early to bed, I am late.

Thus:
I am a dummy dum dum.

It's productive stupidity, but it's still stupidity even if it's productive.