...But I am doing things that are time-consuming.
Well, I suppose work is both in the sense that it is literally draining me and leaving me half-dead, but that's nothing new.

In terms of my pet project on the civ game, what I am doing is taking a ridiculously long time.

I finished detailing the map in one night when I was worried I still had half a week's worth of work left on it.

I expected adding resources to take me a single night's worth of work to plow through everything.

...Two nights in.

...And I'm not even done with Rise of Rome; I still have Fall of Rome, The Middle Ages, Age of Discovery, Napoleonic Era, and two different maps of the world to add in on top of that.

I also am considering taking a small break on it to instead play some Majesty. A few mods have come out that were really good mods. There was a quest released with three key functions. Upgrading guard towers (later at my suggestion expanded to include ballista towers and wizard towers), later released as a game mod; upgrading monster lairs, later released as a game mod (not one I'm interested in tho); and upgrading marketplaces--the mod that just released.

On top of that, you have a mod to get rid of the freakin' plague.
Plague is literally the most annoying thing ever. If it were just a debuff of stats, and/or a minor continuous sap on health a la a weaker poison, I'd be fine with it--but it slows units to a crawl. I love the concept of it spreading...but it spreads faster than you can cure it when you have a mass of units, and it can literally cause the death of your fun playthrough of the scenario because even with a team of 30 healers, a treasury full of gold, and casts of heal, it's difficult to outright impossible to purge the plague altogether.

Another interesting mod was destroyable sewers; not sure if I'll use it, but it's certainly an interesting idea that holds promise.

And then there's the faster peasants mod to augment the faster tax collectors.

All in all, lots of good quality content being made for that game and I want to take it for a spin.

I'm writing this at work, so knowing me, I'll inevitably end up not posting any of it, but who knows, maybe I do air this out anyway.
When I say I'm depressed, it's usually not too bad--a little down, demotivated, the like. Something which is discouraging and a little detrimental, but not outright crippling. So there's this expectation of people; when I say I'm depressed, it's usually not a big deal, because being bipolar, I'm almost always at least a little depressed.

...But it is a big deal, because this? This isn't that. Thiiiis is a downward spiral where I'm an emotional wreck. Here in the real world, I'm having trouble smiling--and when I do, it's often because I feel I "should". The only times I really smile are when I retreat from reality into my fantasy realm.

The fantasy that I'm a genuinely good person. In that world, I have breasts, a vagina, a warm smile and demeanor, am highly empathetic, soft-spoken in a pleasant way, and yet a bit of a deadpan snarker. Lighthearted, yet caring about others and showing them the compassion they need and deserve, understanding them.

...But that world doesn't exist. Elements of it could, EVENTUALLY, exist; I can eventually fully transition, for instance, and do fully plan to. I certainly want to. But here in the now, even if they could...they DON'T. I don't have any of those traits; the closest I come is being able to have a phantom projection of breasts and such, of the appropriate anatomy feeling like it's already there. But aside from that, they're nonexistent.

...Yet dysphoria isn't my issue right now. It adds fuel to the existing flame. I've been having it bad, sure, yeah, but it's only worsening the already-existing problem; the illusion that I'm in any way shape or form an okay person is shattering into a million pieces no thanks to the depression.

I am not a good person.
I am a toxic leech. I suck people dry, until they just accept that this is the way I am. I beat them into submission, to following my will, just so that I can live my self-centered self-destructive lifestyle with a semblance of being carefree. I sap from people and give them nothing in return.

At every stage, I manipulate people. Every turn, I control them. I get them to do what I want, and get them to not cause me to do anything I don't want to do. I'm hostile, volatile, uncaring, unsympathetic, and unapologetic about all these traits to boot. And more. I'm not a liar, not deliberately anyway (I fully admit that I lie to myself all the time, of which I only realize about half are lies, and pretend I didn't because it's easier to think I told the truth), but there's often the feeling of being intellectually dishonest, misleading people deliberately.

I objectively know that it's not all bad. That I have genuinely done some good on occasion. That I have, legitimately, helped to enrich some peoples' lives--but it's incredibly difficult in my depression to not see it through the self-inflicted lens of absolute selfishness. All those times that I helped others, all those times that I did good?

They weren't from altruism, they weren't out of the goodness of my heart, because it was the right thing to do. I wanted to get something out of it, and almost always did. I've improved some peoples' lives, sure, but even when doing so...
...Usually the method I used was highly, highly manipulative.

Maybe not consciously, which is arguably even worse. I manipulated people into having better lives by manipulation, and the thought that it was so easy and so subconscious is worse, because it speaks to my character that I was able to pull off the manipulation flawlessly without even thinking about manipulating them.

So all in all.

Right now I feel like I'm just...a toxic person.

I've always known that I'm a toxic person.
But I'm feeling it now.

I'm just.
Just...full of that self-loathing, and the thought of me disappearing making no negative difference in the world right now.

Don't get worried about me being suicidal, this is a distinctly different thought process than that.

But given how much I take.
And how little I give back.
​It's hard not to venture down that road.

Aside from the shift itself already being brutal, there's the fact that my shift ended at 9, I got home at like 9:45...and I work at 9 tomorrow, meaning leaving at 8, meaning getting up at 7, meaning latest bed time of 1.

...It's 12:51 right now and counting.

...That time might seem like a lot, but three hours is nothing when it comes to filling my routine. I need to attend to various miscellaneous stuff, including eating, in that time, and all-around?

I had zero me-time; everything I did was an obligation in need of attendance.

I wanted me-time.

I have had the desire to rant in my blog about real life stuff in my life for the last few days--I've since forgotten, but even if I did remember, no time anymore because of this schedule.
I have had the desire to talk about an actual idea of mine! One I've talked about recently, but which is not the civ 3 game mod.
I have had the desire to work on said mod, but not the time.

I basically haven't been able to do anything, because I've been too busy.

And thus.

​Work sometimes sucks.

Today I don't have any revolutionary ideas. I did have rather a number of dreams, but none of them were idea-worthy; at work, I didn't really think of any idea, either. Nor can I really say that I did anything today noteworthy. Or that I have something story-worthy from my daily life today; nothing comes to mind at all.

I can tell you that at work, I got inspired to work on my mod again, but who knows if I'll actually work on it tonight. Today was more of a general recovery-from-yesterday's-devastation plus catch-up-on-life day. I actually would have better luck talking about yesterday, where my girlfriend and I started watching a new anime, a magical girl anime. I don't remember the full title; all I remember is the protagonist's name, Asuka, being part of it.

We've only seen six or seven episodes, but so far, I really really like it. It has a genuinely interesting take on the concept of magical girls, and has an amazing capacity for worldbuilding; right off the bat, so much of the setting is given to you in so little time, but in a way where you're able to perfectly digest it. It doesn't drag on, it's not an info dump, not an exposition overload, and not done too subtly to miss it all; you can reasonably follow what's going on.

It's got a really good sense of pacing and strong characterization focus, with a continuous sense of intrigue. Some things are fairly predictable, but the show uses these predictable plot devices in a thoroughly entertaining way; it doesn't need to be original to still be good as a narrative, especially when it's framed the way it is. The concept's probably not the most original, but the execution of it is clean, pristine, and ridiculously well-done.

Quite worth the watch.
Especially since the characters are gay as gay can be. (Not that they've shown an actual kiss, but they've done everything short of it, with fairly explicit dialog, fairly explicit emotions expressed, and fairly explicit gestures that in Japan are "basically more intimate than any kiss".)

It surprised me, since I'd never heard of the show, yet it's just that good. I'm kinda assuming it's fairly newish, because if it wasn't new then I'd surely have heard of it if through nothing else my TVTropes binging. (Granted, been doing less binging these days than I used to, butstill.) Not a bad find for something we decided to more or less watch on a whim.

I guess I can also talk some more about the civ mod, even if I don't end up working on it tonight. (We'll have to see.)
Basically, there are three things I need to get done in order to get the scenario playable.
There's plenty of features that I want to include, but these three things are the things that need to be done for it to be passable.

One, I need to complete the world map. This is the main hurdle, because if you don't have a map, you can't so much as even playtest the scenario. The map needs to be there.

Two, I need to have the techs laid out and in a coherent fashion. This is almost just as important, because if you don't have the techs set up properly, then your game is literally unplayable.

Three, I need to have the documentation for everything set up before I work. This is necessary because it minimizes the chance of errors, makes the process less haphazard (if I'm doing one thing here and another thing there, the result is going to be a mess, whereas if I have everything laid out, I have a structure of exactly what I need to do), and basically gets me so that I can get everything done right.

Everything else will flow from there.
Science adviser giving commentary, optional, but nice touch.
Scores are something which will guarantee I'll keep playing the scenario over and over again, but ultimately aren't needed to make the game playable.
Resource display is something not needed to be playable and is an aesthetics thing.
Music is something to enhance the game, but not critical.

Heck, even setting up civ contacts is something not crucial, even if it's preferable.

​I just need to get the work done.

But again I've got work tomorrowwwwwww......

But I've got work tomorrowwwwwwww

I meant to, but I suppose in the panic/pain I must've forgotten about it. I burnt my finger fairly badly yesterday. I was worried about damage control more than I was the pain, even though it hurt like a royal bitch, at least by my standards. By which, I mean, it'd probably be debilitating excruciating pain for someone else that didn't have my innate naturally high pain tolerance.

Even for me, though, it stung, badly; the throbbing, stinging pain was annoying, and I kept wanting to rub the wound even though rationally I knew that was just about the worst thing I could have done. The treatment was annoying as well; our faucet has two settings, scalding hot or ice cold and the tap water you're meant to use is cool not cold and I could understand why as only a couple minutes into the meant-to-be-20 I had my finger feeling numb.

Improvised by using a bowl to dip my finger in, but because of the wound location, it was difficult to keep it fully submerged the entire time, and once the finger left the bowl, didn't take long for the pain to resume. The initial band aid that I tried applying didn't work because it was too small and the wound was located in an awkward spot. I tried some indirect-contact ice (heavy layers of cloth between the ice and skin), which seemed to help, until the ice pack had melted pretty much.

With a new band aid and the benefit of an overnight rest, though, the pain's gone. I was planning on taking a shower today, but I don't want to re-dress the wound with a new bandaid just yet and adhesive bandages are notoriously not waterproof. (At least, not the one I'm wearing. The initial one which was too small might've been, but it was too small; this one is big enough, but almost certainly isn't.)

Of course, since I work today (at a pool, mind you), may need to anyway, but I usually don't get my right hand wet and if asked to, can point to the band-aid, say I burned myself, and would prefer not to get my right hand wet, working within my limits with my left hand (the hand I usually get wet anyway).

​Can't hurt to be a little careful.

If for no other reason than going to work will actually serve to kickstart me into gear. Right now I know my internal engine is dead. I've had all the free time in the world--could blog about anything I want to. Everything. No distractions, no excuses, nothing.

And yet.

I am coming up...empty.

Something about work versus home, different head spaces. When I'm home, I just have this insatiable urge to do a combination of read, play games, and watch videos. And even though I know the moment it ends I'll be kicking myself at the time wasted. "Why the heck didn't I do that while I had the chance?!?" I do want it to end, so that I'll at least be able to have the realization of what I was wasting. A break from the bored monotony.

Sure, yeah, days were beginning to blend together from the monotony of work before.

But then I got my break.

And now things are beginning to blend together from the monotony of not working. It's a balance between being able to shut my brain down and being able to keep it working. Too much work, can't keep it working; too little work, can't shut it down. Or something to that effect anyway.

​Point being, I need to keep working in order to stay sane, because I really don't have anything right now otherwise.

​Kinda pathetic, innit?

How much? Six and a half inches, snow. Enough where we have maybe one car capable of getting out? Most of us were certainly staying home today, including me. Fortunately, I didn't need to tell my boss that I couldn't come due to inclement weather, because my boss told me that our facility was closed for today. (Did need to cancel my counseling appointment tho.)

It is cold and it is not gonna melt and even if it did melt it's gonna refreeze which is even worse than before the melt. (Funny thing, ice is ten times more dangerous than snow. Snow's not much worse than water; ice is...well, ice. And melted snow refrozen makes solid sheets of it.) Meaning I probably won't be going to tae kwon do tomorrow, either. (Which kinda sucks, as I said I would and it's the first day of a new session for the lil' kids class. But, safety first.)

Being trapped at home on a day I didn't intend to be left me realizing...it is immensely, tremendously, overwhelmingly, boring because I am still in that recovering position of not really knowing what to do because I still don't feel like :efforting:. Mostly, I messed around for a few hours in Majesty (someone figured out a quest turning Majesty into a tower defense game of sorts, and then released a mod based on that quest for guardhouses which upgrades them further than the mods existing, allowing for lots of fun).

I also have made significant progress on the story of Worms. I'm ending the night having just finished Interlude 14--by my understanding, not even remotely close to finished with the story and it certainly doesn't feel that way. There are events which I know happen (TVTropes spoilers, the very thing that got me into reading Worms in the first place). One or two, I can kinda sorta see as maybe being close, but the others are events that in order to transpire (which I know they do), require significant setup (which hasn't happened yet), setup that doesn't just magically appear out of thin air.

So, slow and steady progress to go. Reading a comment at circa 12 posted in like 2018, I seem to recall them stating, "not even a third of the way through", and that wouldn't surprise me in the least. It is a thoroughly entertaining read, and I'm actually a little miffed at one little thing; Shatterbird's control over glass (which extends to Silicone) is pretty much exactly the power one of my heroes (canonical to the Rubyverse) has; he even goes by the codename of Silicone.

Ah well. The OP nature of that power (in a bad future, said character is one of less than ten superheroes/supervillains left alive in the dieing Earth and could continue to exist even after literally every single other person died; through time travel where he basically inserts himself into the pass, said future is averted and thus his present-self is significantly weaker than that and rather deliberately keeps himself rather weak since he hates his future self's guts and both share the sentiment of him not wanting to walk that path a second time, but I digress) is bound to be something others would be aware of.

Anyway, at least I'm not sick like I thought, and didn't have stress of work to make it worse. Also, we haven't lost power. Obviously, saying that is tempting fate, but realistically speaking, if we were going to lose power, we probably would have already. The snow stopped falling; the melting and refreezing could knock out power, but is incredibly unlikely to, and even if it did. It remains true that so far, it hasn't, which remains a blessing in my books.

I think that's all I can think of to say, so probably gonna go to bed now.

Coldest it's been all season, cold. Cold enough to snow fairly decently, cold. Not helping is that I have a twinge in the back of my throat suggesting I may have a cold. Did I mention it's cold?

I kinda just want to curl up in a blanket and just stay there for a very long time. Mental state may also contribute--or rather, emotional state; right now, I mostly feel like doing things that are neither physically nor mentally exerting, where I can do stuff like watch anime, read stuff, mindlessly play video games, the like. No real thinking, no real acting.

And yet.

Inevitably.

I know I'm going to have a hard time tomorrow due to the all-day work day.