Well, not completely, but everything was done only half way at best.

I did only half of my workout.
I took only half of a shower.
I did my job only half as well as I should have.
I didn't do mafia at all.
I didn't do TFT at all.
I didn't play League at all.
I didn't stream today. (Afternoon was understandable, but I could​ have done evening--and didn't.)
I didn't brush my teeth today.
I accidentally had food/drinks worse for my health (more sugary/fatty than ideal).

I have, once more, gone an entire day without an apology for something I am over a week overdue for in a different game. When it was a time-sensitive manner, no less. I need to get that done. I really really do. Basically, it was one of the things that I thought was a good thing that turned out to be a bad thing. Where good intentions ended up infuriating a lot of people who were hurt.

And I did hurt them. That, in of itself, warrants an apology.
I know that apologies are time-sensitive. An apology given a month later is a lot less sincere than an apology given within a couple of days.

I know that they probably won't suddenly accept me as a good person, which I don't really deserve to be. I'm not good enough to be a good person. I try, but I am so bad at being a good person.
I still should try tho--I hurt people. The people I hurt were, mostly, innocent. Hating me is justified for that and every day that I don't apologize makes that hatred more justified. ('Cause, again: time-sensitive thing and what does my stupid dumb ass do??? Procrastinate! Put it off! Something that is very important to those people that I hurt! Something meaning a lot to them! Something that they have reason to be injured by--and I'm putting off apologizing for the damage I did. I am an idiot. And I really hate myself for how incompetent I am.)

​I'm not so self-centered as to believe that intentions justify having hurt people. It was unintended harm, it was accidental harm. In fact, it was actually done out of a naive belief that I would be helping people and preventing future harm. I thought it would help others. When I vented I thought it was something which could help prevent people from going through what I went through.

But I made so many wrong assumptions and the vent being public--my attempt to help--ended up making it one of the most harmful things possible.

I don't even know how to say sorry for that but it's not something I can just let fade. I need to say sorry for what I did wrong. I need to make sure they know I understand the harm I did. I need to make sure they know I am aware of how hurtful it was. Because I do know it now.

But I also need to make sure they know I didn't do what I did out of malice. I need to make sure they know my apology is genuine and sincere, not something done to just get them off my back. I need to make sure they know that my intentions were good, but that I recognize my intentions being good doesn't mean I didn't do harm. I need to make sure they know that my causing harm was not deliberate, that it was an accident, but that I know it being an accident does not mean the harm wasn't still harmful. That after the fact, it caused damage and being unintended does not excuse the damage done.

Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would be harmful. Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would hurt others. I did it specifically because I thought it'd do the opposite, in preventing harm and preventing hurt to others. But after I did it, I learned I was wrong, that what I did was not helping others, that what I did was not the good thing that I thought it was, that what I did was exactly the opposite of what I intended. And that it did notable damage.

And I need to find a way to convey this.

I don't really know how.

How do I explain how my heart sank when I had the situation explained to me in full?
How do I explain how much I felt pain when realizing that I had caused pain?
How do I explain that I thought I was doing the right thing, but now know it was the wrong thing, and having done the wrong thing was, well...wrong?

I need to figure that out.

Every day I tell myself, "today is the day I do this. I know I didn't do it yesterday when I wanted to, but yesterday had extenuating circumstances. Today has none of those, so I can do it."

And then every day I end up not doing it.

It's hard.

It needs to be done.
It's important to be done.

The sooner I do it, the less time the people hurt will feel hurt because I will have worked to make amends.

Yet in spite of knowing the above.

I kinda suck.

No, I really suck.

If I didn't, it'd have gotten done by now.

I know it wasn't a complete waste but I sure don't remember much, aside from spending way too much energy playing mafia. (Can't comment too much there tho obv, since rules prevent it and I know my blog IS being watched and I don't wanna get banned for ooc stuff. It should be fairly safe to say I spent a lot of energy playing mafia today and it was too much tho.)

I think that ate up like 70% of the day and could maybe have eaten up more had I not deliberately stepped away. (I may have issues.)

I also spent a little more time trying out Disney's Dreamlight Valley. Its windowed mode is a joke and highly buggy, but I managed to find a workaround for the majority of my issues there so I might spend some time there. I don't think I want to stream it because I want to listen to the music as it was intended, and also because when streaming I have other better things to do.

Speaking of which, probably won't stream tomorrow, there's an earlyish stream that I want to catch.

I promised my mom I'd take a shower tomorrow, too, but it might have to wait until Monday, since the early stream announcement came in after I gave that promise.

We'll have to see.

It's an hour past my bedtime tho so I gotta leave now.

I'm doing terribly on hygiene obviously so need to get that.
Most of my health also not great. I'm barely working out at all.
But I think I can pull things together.

​Slowly.

I mean, that it's 5:30 am while I'm writing this should clue folks into that.

I could've done a stream. It would've been a shorter one, but I could've. I should've to be honest. But, I was so exhausted I just didn't have it in me. I was dead tired at the time. I've gained lucidity by chilling, but I honestly don't think I would've woken up had I tried to stream, meaning I'd have been left feeling much much more tired.

I didn't game.

I didn't do much of anything, honestly.

But, well. I might not make a good blog but I am at least okay.

I should mention the big work issue I was having was resolved Tuesday, so it's okay there. I'm rattled, but it looks like I'll be fine.

Just, I need to take the night off to recover.

I'll need to point to this blog tomorrow tho and say "Bree, no excuses. None. You stream tomorrow. Period."
​'Cause I do need to!

I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.

I don't want to live right now.
I might even want to die.

Alarmed?

Well normally I'd say you shouldn't be but with how severe it is that might be justified to have now.

I just.

Haven't had a good week.
At all.

Every time I try to do a good thing it ends up being a bad thing.

It started with a game, where I was genuinely doing something that I thought would be good/useful for others. It was dealing with my frustration, isolation, desperation, etc., but it was primarily something I did genuinely believing it was an altruistic thing to do.

Then I got called a liar, greedy, scumbag, etc. for it. And am still dealing with the consequences there. I was dumb, stupid, idiot, a moron, but I was not a liar. I thought there were others like me that were having the issues I was having, and that talking about them would do good.

Apparently it was just me but people attributed malice to it and have now displayed malice to me, bullying me in that game. It's exhausting having to try and defend myself and it's tiring to just exist. I have every intention, reason, and incentive to continue playing the game and in a weird way it actually became more fun in a way due to an unintended game of cat-and-mouse developing from the fallout, of how much can I get done in the small windows I am able to. (Ironically giving me practice at a skill I lacked last week and got attacked for not having utilized. I'm literally being taught painfully how to do the thing that I wanted help learning.)

​It's a rough situation, but one that I can still get through. Because I know what I intended to do and it was not to make money; it was to try and better others by learning from my story. They might not believe me, but my character will show through eventually. They don't believe someone they don't know but given time they will get to know me and get to know how I'm too stupid to know how to lie.

After all, I do have autism. Not that I'd explain that to them because I have effectively self-traumatized myself thanks to the jerks on the internet who used "sorry I have autism" to get away with being jerks. Autism is a genuine disability. It is genuinely debilitating and crippling. There genuinely are things that can't be done due to it, and things made difficult with it.

So a person with autism should be able to explain that, yeah, they have issues with it. After all, other neurodivergencies can do that. Such as ADHD. ADHD is also a crippling disability that is debilitating, and while "sorry, ADHD" is sometimes stigmatized, it's far more normalized and accepted. Someone with ADHD is usually obvious in having ADHD and apologizing for it is self-evidently done because they broke a chain of thought and need a push to get the connection.

But with autism. There is a trauma with saying "sorry, autism". So it can't be said, even when it's true. I can't say I don't understand due to autism. I can't say I was literal-minded due to autism. I can't say I didn't get it due to autism. I can't say my autism means I don't understand why someone would lie. I can't say my autism means I could never have the character to lie because my autism makes me speak the truth.

I can't say my autism makes me rambley. I can't share that I have autism with the autism being a negative thing, because if I do, it is seen as using autism as a shield for the jerk behavior. If I do, it is seen as making up autism as an excuse to justify being a jerk. So I can't share that I have autism to strangers, because there is a stigma surrounding autism.

I have a mental disability that I can't freely reveal without internalized and external issues manifesting about that apology, no matter how genuine it may be. I can try workarounds. Things that to those in the know give away that I have them but don't show to those that aren't. But I can't be direct, blunt, and fully transparent/obvious that the reason I have done something that is debilitating is that I have a mental condition that is genuinely crippling.

​Still, while I might not tell them about my autism, that I have it will become abundantly clear with time so with time it'll be shown that, actually, everything I said was true and happened as I said it did. (It did. The experiences which I thought might be applicable to others apparently were only applicable to me, but that doesn't mean the experiences were invalid. They were still true and real.)

That is half of why the week has been the worst. It genuinely has strained a friendship I consider more important than my life. A friendship more important than anything in the world to me, endangered because an act I thought was a good thing turned out to be a very very very not good thing that has caused my friend an endless amount of hurt.
That transfers into being an endless amount of hurt for me.

I am a tough person myself. I can handle being put through a lot. I can handle being bullied. I can handle people not believing me. I can handle people calling me a liar. I can handle experiences that others say would ruin the game. I can handle that all. But it's still exhausting, and on top of all that: I can't handle hurting my friend. That's unacceptable. Inexcusable. Painful. Hurtful.

They only stated some emotions and some hurt, and had some of their pain expressed further by another in the know. But I know that the hurt expressed was only a fraction of the hurt in total. It shows. They're my friend and I wounded them, and am exhausting them, and am leaving them feeling bad, and am leaving them feeling in pain, so what that means is...I am not in a good state of mind.

Because knowing how much pain I've caused. I just. I don't want to cause any more. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't want any harm to happen because of my actions. I have good intentions. But good intentions mean nothing if the result of those good intentions is bad things that hurt instead of helping. And seeing the hurt, hurts. I am an empath. I can feel the feelings of others, and they become my own.

Yeah their rage becomes my rage, their stubbornness becomes mine, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing in that it can give me strength to continue, strength to stand up for myself, and strength to keep going in situations most would quit. But it also means I know their feelings are real and true, and that my feeling them makes communicating harder since both sides are in that emotionally compromised state.

The real issue is the pain. I can feel it. I know it is real because it is felt by me. The pain I feel is the pain of others hurt by me, but also added onto that is my own pain. I have a double dose of pain that hurts. It's not just my own, it's not just theirs, it's theirs plus my own. I'm suffering because I know what they are feeling and how bad it is, and how bad I am feeling, and feeling worse because of their feelings and knowing I caused them which makes my feelings worse and worse with time.

It's exhausting.
It's overwhelming.

The cruel irony is that I might be able to end it fairly soon if I were to actually voice half of what I am in this blog to them, but it's so...I don't have the strength. My life would be easier if I did. If I could muster up the energy to do the thing that will help me, and them, heal sooner. But I can't.

So every day I have been getting worse.

I spent all my energy on Thursday, expecting to have recovered it and been better on Friday.
And then Saturday.
And then Sunday.
And now Monday.

Each day I told myself "today is the day that I go hard on this and can actually get the talks going that need to be done", and engage in the way necessary to help ease the pain of others.

Each day I have proven unable to muster up the strength for it.

I suck.

Ironically, I still have the strength to play the game. The punishment they are inflicting on me is meant to make the game unplayable, but ironically it actually makes the game more fun for me. So I have the ability to check in and play daily, and have done so, finding creative uses of my time while there. That's not something they'll really grasp, that's not something they'll comprehend.

After all, why would I continue to play frustration-free a game where they are inflicting a punishment meant to break people, meant to make people be frustrated, meant to basically ruin the experience of others? Why would I be able to go through that with a sense of calm and tranquility, yet not be able to use that same peace of mind to try and get, well...peace?

​I don't know, honestly. Like, not even I know why, and I'm the one who is living it. I don't know why the punishment they are using on me which is meant to break a person, is doing the opposite for me. I don't know why the peace talks that are meant to be easy, are not.

It's just.
I can't muster up the strength to talk.

I get that's ironic given this blog. This blog is showing talking to an extreme. Heck, today I even talked for an hour to a ghost at work. (No, literally, my workplace is definitely 100% haunted, and there was certainly activity today so I talked.) I can talk in a blog, I can talk to a ghost, so like...

...Why is talking to others directly so...draining???

I don't get it.

But it's true and it makes me feel awful.

I know I've caused a lot of hurt.

Every day I learn more about the fallout of what I did I learn of more hurt that I did.

Every time I see more, I see more hurt and pain.
All from something I genuinely thought was a good thing, that wasn't a good thing and was a very bad thing. Because I made a mistake. And I hate myself for it.
I don't want to stop playing because of bullying or shame but I do want to stop existing because with so much pain I don't want to exist.

And it got worse today.

Much much much worse.

I don't know how to describe how bad it is, worse.

Because the next screwup was not in a game. (Admittedly a game that screwing up in hurt a friend which is where the pain mostly comes from, butstill.)

The next screwup was for my job.

I am a lead lifeguard.
I sometimes don't feel like it. I have an aura that feels more like a normal lifeguard most of the time, but I still am a lead lifeguard. I take pride in that position and have always strived to live up to it. I still do lead things, even if it is less often than I should.

I have kept up at it though because I can try and make myself the best lead lifeguard possible. I know I can succeed. With difficulty and hard work, but it's possible. I could be what I should be. I just need to push, right? Well so I thought. And I did something that I thought was the most lead-like thing ever.

Reporting what I genuinely believe to be a hazard and trying to convince my boss that it needed to be dealt with, that we needed to have it fixed in spite of the cost to the budget because it'd be endangering human lives to not do so.

I don't know what I did to screw that up, but I did. Badly. Very badly, badly.
​I don't know how I managed to mess that up so colossally. But somehow, I managed to.
In doing something that I thought was genuinely a good thing, perhaps the best thing I've done as a lead lifeguard, I somehow managed the impressive feat of being told I had crossed a line a lead lifeguard should never cross.

And my heart sank when I saw that.

And I want to cry.

​I don't even know what I did wrong in the message, which makes it even worse. It's again my autism at work. I don't want to say something like "Obviously I wouldn't have done whatever I did wrong, if I knew it was wrong", in order to get an idea of what I did wrong. I don't know yet. I don't have any idea. I've tried, but even with hindsight I can't figure it out. It was somehow wrong.

But I don't want to use autism as an excuse.

Yet I do know it was severe.
It was bad.

Very bad.

My boss is a very benevolent-chill-benign-casual-laid-back boss, the best boss I could hope for, who is very understanding and compassionate and forgiving. I couldn't ask for a better boss. They give every opportunity, they are very kind, they give a lot, they understand, they listen, they explain calmly, they give good feedback, they give critiques that are calm but still impactful, useful, and just. Good.

Except.

Somehow, that boss that is all of those? Is royally ticked off. Which means I did something VERY wrong. I did something VERY bad. I did something very very very very very very wrong. And I don't know what. I don't have any clue. I am hurting. I am in pain. Like hurting my friend, hurting my boss hurts me because it is doing something I thought I could never do in a very negative way.

I just. It's not good. I hurt them. I don't know how. I don't know. But it was bad. Whatever it was. It had to have been for this reaction. What did I do??? I can't figure it out. But there will be consequences. Bad ones. I'm in for something very bad on Wednesday. Some kind of hell. The best outcome would be some sort of reprimand. The BEST outcome would be a dressing down of me where I get into trouble.

But I could be losing my position as a lead lifeguard.

Or even my job.

And that is the issue.

I want to die if I lose my job.
And even if I keep it.
​I might want to if I lose my position as a lead lifeguard.

I know that sounds alarming.
I normally would say it's not.

But maybe it is.

​I have pride in my job. I feel like I am competent in my job. I feel like I am good at my job. I feel like I am worthy of my job. I feel like I know I am at the level needed for that job. It is one I genuinely enjoy and feel like it is a calling of mine. It might not be the highest paying. It might be exhausting. It might be hard. But. It is who I am. It is an extensive part of my identity.

So what do I do if I lose what has become a piece of my soul.

What do I do.

It's genuinely soul-crushing.

I've tried to distract myself constantly.

But every time, it's temporary.

And the dread comes back. The weight of impending doom.

I can do NOTHING about it.
I can do NOTHING to change it.

Wednesday, and the reckoning coming with it, will happen.
I can't stop it.
I can't delay it.
I can't prevent it.
I can't influence it.
I can't do anything but just...show up and await my fate.

Which could be something that leaves me effectively dead.

So.

​I'm having...a bad time.

I need a break from existence but there's none to be had. Sleep only brings me closer to the day I dread. I can't do this. It's so bad. Why am I so bad at being good. Why is every attempt I make to be better, only making things worse? Why can't I just...be good at being good at something that is good.

I just suck.

​And it's...crushing.

I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

Last night I had a dream which, after the fact, I struggled to stabilize into a story, but eventually, I managed to have it solidify into something resembling a webcomic-worthy tale.

Basically, in a Resident Evil like world (one of the three main characters is, loosely, based on Wesker, albeit with a different backstory, with him looking similar and even having tentacle powers), there was a team working at this universe's equivalent of Umbrella Corporation.

The young protagonist is a 21-year-old intern, still in college, but seen by people as being incredibly dumb. He's incredibly clumsy and while he means well, he constantly makes mistake after mistake after mistake. And it's not just bumping into things he shouldn't, it's also in him having ideas that end up leading to unforeseen bad consequences.

He's in a team with a 26-year-old redheaded female scientist (yes, with green eyes, with her hair being kept in a ponytail as being fairly short but still warranting being like that), who has been with the corporation on the team since she graduated college, which was a slight while ago but not a long while ago. She's the official assistant. (Although later she becomes far more action-oriented.)

They are in service to a veteran scientist. When he was younger, he was a field agent, being just hired muscle that was smart enough to work on the scene with highly sensitive material of all types. He was genetically modified prior to this, and during his fieldwork, infected with an experimental virus. He survived, most did not. The corporation bribed him to keep this a secret by basically making him an executive of the company. Not the highest ranking, but high up the chain of command.

So with this position, he retired from fieldwork and began to work in the lab, convinced that he could achieve the dream of immortality for himself, and potentially, the world (but he admits that the latter is an afterthought). He's 55 but appears to be about 32, in peak physical condition, because his aging has been greatly slowed. He can survive in many conditions, including the vacuum of space.

One day, the young protagonist makes a coffee that he believes the scientist will like, laced with some nanites that would, in theory, be harmless if they didn't work but if they worked could help the scientist. This was done with extensive work on his part, where he thought it was a genius idea.

When he accidentally broke the glass, the coffee with the nanites managed to splash into a vial with a genetically engineered virus--and the two combined. The team was blamed for this, made public enemies and fled. They were not realistically able to claim they weren't, either. The scientist was up to no good, the intern wouldn't be able to prove lack of malice, and the assistant was just loyal to the scientist.

Basically, it's not like the big bad corporation was framing innocent people. They had their hands dirty and knew what they were doing was shady-at-best. So they become hunted by the public for causing an outbreak of a plague that mutates humans into monsters, a semi-intelligent living growing disease. It doesn't cause an apocalypse because it's not the first outbreak to have happened, but it does periodically cause local outbreaks at random that kill plenty, mutate others, and require constant vigilance and specialized task forces to put down.

Having caused the worst outbreak in recorded history, the trio fled to an underground railway as their first base. (It's later revealed that the scientist also brought along an AI with them, this AI program is not exactly benevolent but she is still loyal to the scientist which makes her benevolent to the protagonists.)

They build this base up considerably and make good use of it, but the protagonist/intern eventually messes things up by accidentally triggering an alarm that would alert those looking for them to their exact location. Desperate, they have only one escape avenue: a teleporter not meant to transport living people, which transports them to a space station that is an abandoned weapons satellite.

The scientist, however, had come prepared, having injected the two others with nanites that would allow for the transportation to be successful, and also upon arrival, allow for them to have a form of artificial gravity. The station, being in space, has no gravity, but the floor is a specialized magnetic field, which all the items on the space station are attracted to with the approximate force of gravity, so items have the same weight they'd have on earth in effect.

And with those nanites in them, that allows for the protagonists to have weight in a weightless environment.

With the assistance of the AI, the protagonists are able to retrofit the satellite from something that is a single compartment not designed for humans to be on (it's literally basically just the internal parts with spare parts, effectively a small storehouse of bits and pieces), into a proper space station, with rooms, a dining hall, and work stations.

This is accomplished through harnessing a ton of energy and stored matter to make what amounts to effectively an advanced 3-D printer of sorts, where they rearrange matter from one form into another and recycle everything, to create food, water, air, and the materials needed to expand the station.

The webcomic details this journey but also displays the issues they run into. The scientist basically sets his two companions to work on effectively a crash-course of advanced scientific concepts neither was really familiar with. The assistant only had a bachelor's degree and the intern didn't even have that, and they were launched into forcefully learning things that even those with a PhD would struggle with.

Which, essentially, forced them to get smart, and be creative in troubleshooting. Lots of issues crop up, and at times, the protagonists need to leave the station and go back to earth, where their presence even for that short time stirs up a great amount of trouble and solidifies the view of the public that they are, essentially, supervillains.

The issues include needing to save the ai, running out of material, irreparable damage to something power-related, and later-on after the assistant has a daughter, saving that daughter who was born with nanites that began to rapidly age her. (They save her when she is physically around 10, stabilizing her.)

The concept is two parts resident evil, one part supervillain story, and one part sci-fi slice of life, covering both bio-engineered things and advanced technological things.

It's a bit of a complex thing, but the idea formed and I like it.

Will never make it, mind you. I will never have the time for every project I want to make, and this one is near the bottom of the barrel priorities-wise.

But I like it and it's worthy of being made. It's worth making, so I'm sad I won't be able to.

Ah well.

At least I blogged about the basics behind it.

​(Also, half an hour late to leave......)

Yesterday I let my ADHD last-minute forget as I was going to bed. I literally was doing my nightly stuff and had blogging in my mind and as I was headed down the hallway to go to sleep basically went, "...crap". xD

But anyway, can't do a real entry since got work tomorrow and am already on a time crunch that I'm failing, but hey, typed this much at least!

I don't really know why.

We suspect the staff meeting might've contributed, but we're just.

​Tireddddddd.

Both streamers I normally watch, not on.

My parents which restrict my freedom of streaming by being them, not home.

My sister, in bed.

I should be taking advantage of this with a stream.

In fact we were planning on it!

A sort of "get our (pardon the language) shit together" Just Chatting stream.

Well, we might not stream tonight, but we're still doing that somewhat already.

​We don't remember what we did specifically since we deleted it from our to-do list already, buuuuut.

We did deal with a medical bill.
We did check on some work stuff.
We did do a lot of reorginization of our to-do list.

And we're currently trying to test uploading past streams up to youtube. (This is the biggie for why we're not streaming--can't both stream and upload, and tonight we're trying the upload.)

Does this get everything on our to-do list?

Oh heck no, our to-do list is a mile long.

But is it a productive day?

Why yes!

It's probably the most productive day we've had in a long time.

​We're still working on a bunch.

​But, progress is good to have. We told ourselves "no gaming tonight!!! (at least not until we get things done)", and, well, hey!

We got things done!

​Not gonna game anyway, but it feels good to get what I've done, done.