Double failure equals back to November 13th.
I did remember another main thing I wanted to blog about, the Projection story, where I've fleshed out a significant number of the supporting cast, such that I even have the idea of the setting more or less down pat. (Basically, it's a fairly small city, but a city with a disproportionately high number of supers native to the city from phantom attacks, most of which are young. Of the two supers in the city not in their teens, one the main hero of the area and one the main villain, neither is a native to the city, but of the teenaged supers, all of them are city natives. The balance of power is loosely equal between the heroes and villains before the protagonist arrives, who thus swings the balance in favor of the side they choose. It was slightly villain-sided before, so Sam as a hero doesn't win every fight, but with Sam as a villain the city is pretty much villain-owned due to the unspoken rule of "no escalation", a code both sides honor out of their own self-interests. Villains and heroes use only the minimal amount of power when skirmishing with each other, as to avoid seriously harming their opponents, which is a recipe to cause them, in desperation, to seriously harm them. Also, Eldritch-class phantoms, and for that matter phantom attacks in general, are something that they both have an interest in fighting, so the setting has a Worm-like code in place. Not identical, but similar, based on my own logic.)

And I want to blog about it, laying out the basic exposition of the balance between heroes and villains in the city, how they operate, how their fights work. (In short, heroes have a priority on their objectives. They want to capture the villains, but stopping the villains is more important than capturing them, and not having any citizens harmed is more important, and ideally collateral damage is avoided, and they don't want to use excess force due to both the bad PR from it and the risk of villains similarly escalating. Villains want to achieve their goals, but avoiding capture is more important than achieving their objective since they can always try again. But more important than that is to make sure they don't attract too much attention, because they want to have their only opposition be local heroes; if they do something too heinous to ignore, they risk bringing down the full might of superheroes across the world on them. But it's more nuanced than that and I want to describe the nuances.)

Right now, there's eight heroes and six villains, with one character who always aligns themselves with Sam due to being their friend. There might be one more hero/villain because I remember one night having dreamed up two corresponding opposite powers, but if so I can't remember what they were so for now, it is what it is. (There is another hero who does make appearances, but he is not local, not permanent, mostly due to him being considered one of the most powerful supers in the entire world and having bigger fish to fry. Granted, Projection's power as a villain is basically a hard-counter to almost every single power in his arsenal, so he could be a permanent fixture with Projection as a villain and indeed does make more appearances on the villain reality for Projection, but even so he's just not someone I see as a permanent presence in the town.)

I suppose that's it for the blog today.
I'm making it just before going to bed, since I am for some reason just...immensely tired today and have been. Dunno why, I slept for long enough, but apparently, it wasn't enough. Oh well. Hopefully tonight will be more sound of a sleep.

Uhh. I really need to calculate that, gimme a sec to look it up.

November 15th I think?

Yeah, that's the point. Due to not working on Phyrra and Cyrus for 20 straight days or anything for that matter, my official coming-out day will be no later than November 15th, 2022. (Considering the original date was January 23rd, 2023, that says something about how much I've failed.)

So, uh.
Obviously.
I've been in a very very bad mental state for a very very long time and honestly it's not even better now, so much as it is that I've gotten stronger and stronger motivation to push me into failing less.

I could technically fail even less by working on Phyrra and Cyrus today--if I did, then it'd actually go to November 16th since the total of 15th is on the assumption I fail on the day I am making the blog (which has been the case for every time I've mentioned the date moving). 

I can tell you that's probably not happening. To use an expression, and do pardon me for the language but it's the only expression I know of right now off the top of my head which conveys the meaning I am going for and I can't think of a cuss-free alternative, I need to get my shit together.

I'm taking baby steps, and I have ideas for how I can actually stop failing.

Art is basically right now a bit of a dead end, but art was mostly an excuse to stall for time, where I would stop myself from failing a day on the technicality of having done work in spite of the art being mostly useless. I have an idea for something which might actually do work for it, tangible work.

I was considering, at the risk of it potentially being leaked, actually writing up the script for Phyrra and Cyrus in something like a google doc. Episode by episode, scripting it out. At this stage, there's tons of things that I've forgotten, that I have scattered obscure notes for that I'll have difficulty tracking down, things aren't crystal-clear and there's tons of lost knowledge...but I still have enough memorized.

The origins of why their universe is called the colliniverse (as the original title that I am using as an alternative to my preferred, but sadly taken, INFINIverse/INFIverse), why the planet Phyrra and Cyrus is called Lilim, the origin of humanity, the origin of the four realms (spirit, demon, afterlife, mortal), most of the details on how spirits work and how demons work, the basic nature of a lot of equipment, the way magic works, the existence of miasmic veins and how it works, monsters, and such.

Enough where while the details may be lost, I can still create the narrative. I still know the characters and what they do. I can make it work, if I actually do the work. 

It can start by re-organizing my desktop's scattered notes. That...that will take quite a while, and will delay things, but the payoff of that would be immensely worth it and would actually help me clean up my life across the board because these are notes for every single thing, and also contain sensitive documents that shouldn't just be lying around out in the open randomly, yet are because I've just...done nothing to clean up when I should.

Having a plan doesn't count as delaying the timer tho so today is still not a success, because planning != actual action.

Still.

I am going to try. Try. To clean up my life some.

There's so much more I want to blog about.

There's a very topical TFT mid-set update that I want to blog about (short version: I was really really really excited to read about the new units and synergies...until I saw that Riot intends to remove some as well. I understand the adding and removing of units between sets. The shift from set one to set two and the shift from set two to set three. But removing units/synergies from a set in the middle of the set is incredibly upsetting to me). 

There's a lot of changes to League, too, and I want to blog about them as well. (I'm pretty sure I mentioned the last major change I made, running teleport instead of heal, but I want to blog a bit about it as well to confirm. I also think I mentioned the rfc/runaan's I am fitting in which is pertinent due to their movespeed buff, but again, probably gonna handle those in a future blog. On that note, I also want to mention that something I want to try out is to actually commit to being a full tank on Ashe, but to do it in a lane where you're expected to be tanky, e.g. top. It's probably going to be terrible, but I want to give it my earnest effort to make it the most viable I possibly can.)

I'm pretty sure there's dozens of other things I wanted to blog about, too, but I can't remember them right now. (Maybe stuff like epic battle fantasy 5, minecraft, civ 3, how I'm addicted to watching a Persona 5 Royal playthrough and love the music from that game, the release of Minecraft Dungeons, similar stuff like that.)

But lacking the memory of them, this'll have to do for now.

I might not be in the best of mindsets.
Where I've only recently so much as started to get on top of financial stuff, important financial stuff.
Where I'm 50/50 on health stuff.
Where I'm not doing good on hygiene at all.

And I've been mentally aware of this for a long time and hated myself for knowing about those problems yet not fixing them after I promised I would.

But I am going to try and improve on these things. Because I want to take control of my life and right now in my slump...I am not.

Back to December 5th, 2022 we go.

I am just.

I am doing nothing.
I am actively doing nothing.
I am actively choosing to do nothing.
No wonder I am such a worthless piece of garbage.

I made a resolution to work.
And then.
I don't follow through.
And every chance I get to follow through.
I instead choose to do nothing.

Is it any wonder why I am such a worthless human being?

I could have done just about anything if I had set my mind to it. (Within reason.)
I could have done something with my life, if I chose to.
I could have taken control of my life, if I chose to.

And yet I refused.

And here I am.

Nothing.

As a result.

Of every choice at every turn being the wrong one to have made.

And it is so, so, so deceptively easy to do.
Because you don't think you're making a choice even when you are.

When you're spending all day every day. Watching streams. Playing various games, Minecraft League TFT Civ 3 Epic Battle Fantasy 5 and so on and so forth.

You don't think there's a choice being made then. Because you're just doing what comes naturally, what passively surrounds you. You have streams basically automatically playing, and you instinctively choose games to play to multitask during said stream which work well to play during that stream. So it doesn't look like you're making any choice, because you're never thinking of it.

It just happens, and when things just happen, surely, there's not a decision being made, right?

Except there is.
And because there is a decision being made.
It is always the wrong one.

Because spending my time doing those things won't get me to the things I want to have done.

I want to do those things. Watch those streams. Play those games. But long-term, what does playing those games, watching those streams, get me? If I am incredibly lucky, in the case of the streams, maybe maybe maybe the satisfaction of possibly having been a critical part of the community, but again only if I luck out. (And, in the case of Minecraft, possibly having left a permanent mark on a world which lasts for years upon years upon years.)

Otherwise?

Otherwise.

Nothing.

I don't get to have made a wide impact on the world.
I don't get to have created any of my projects, in spite of there being hundreds, thousands, that I want to bring to light.
I don't get to live my life as I want to.
I get nothing.

But that is the path I am walking.

I am walking the path of the worthless trash that I am.
And I am aware of it.
And I am doing nothing to stop it.

​What a pathetic loser I am.

​I think so. I have just.
Been.
In a bad spot.
And not getting better.