I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

And not a clue which to do. Heck, I almost considered not writing this blog post because it felt like a chore, but I decided I might as well because I've got nothing more important to do. (Uhhh...that's a very, very bad lie; I most certainly do. But it FEELS like I don't, as I'm about to describe.)

Ever have one of those days? I'm not sure if it's typical for people, but I think it is. You know the type of day. Where you have a dozen tasks you could do, and yet, you don't feel like doing any of them? Yeah, that one? I've been slammed by it hard. There's so many productive things I could be doing. Heck, there's a bunch of things I could waste my time on. Games. Reading TVTropes. (Speaking of which, some time I want to talk about my addiction there, and how I want to make an account for a couple of Fridge Brilliance moments for things.) Whether you consider it productive or a waste, my novel.

Know what I feel like doing?

None of them. And yet, all of them. It's as if I simultaneously have a drive to do everything and an entire lack of drive inspiring me to do absolutely nothing at all. And it's been happening since at least yesterday. Because I haven't been sleeping well in spite of my medication and taking it for the last couple of days, I do suspect that it's possible my mental health is involved, with it being so poor and all (and I hope that I get sleep soon, since this will be a big problem if it continues), but it's still annoying.

I'm relatively smart. I should be using my time intelligently. Or even leisurely. Yet here I am...without this blog post, I'd be doing absolutely nothing at all. Not even sleeping. Just laying down, staring at the ceiling, thinking, idling, lost in thought.

...Now, don't get me wrong. Every once and a while, that's a healthy thing to do. It can be quite relaxing, even. It soothes the soul. It gives focus, replenishing me, and can often serve as massive inspiration for me. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, it's like I said: it's been happening since at least yesterday, maybe even Monday. Which...means that it's not going away. :s

It's basically as if I have too many choices available, and as a result, am freezing up on which to actually do. Obviously, we love the idea of freedom. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to have a choice in their lives, even if that choice is just on whether to have a choice. So obviously, I do appreciate we have the chance to be free, not being oppressed constantly, always having ways out. (Weeeeeeell...debatable. Some would argue otherwise, and even those who argue for it have to acknowledge it's not universal. But let's be a little optimistic and idealistic and assume that most of us have it.)

We have that right to choose our life. But while it's good to have the choice...and I know that at some point in my life I will desire it...remember my blog post about obligations? Bringing that in, another reason I don't make that many decisions, that I appear indecisive, is by choice to not make choices. Making decisions sucks. I don't particularly like doing it. Sometimes, it feels nice to just go with the flow, and do what others suggest me to do. 

So while I definitely like to reserve my right to make a decision, to choose my life, to have freedom to do anything (within reason)...well, the simple fact of the matter is, I like having those in theory and currently not in practice. They don't mean much to me right now, even though I know I'd fight to the death to protect my right to them.

Funny how the human mind works. Fighting to protect something we don't need, just because we feel like we should have access to it if we decide we want to use it.