For the longest time, the obstacle to me getting affiliate was average viewers per stream.
Now, I have that. I've twice exceeded the goal, with room to spare.
So now, I just need to keep streaming. And streaming. And streaming. It might risk burning me out, but I have the momentum to begin. I just need to keep going and then I might have it.
I talked a lot about my perspective and goals in life onstream. I don't have it up until youtube, that will happen on Sunday at 3 pm, because I schedule my vods to be uploaded to youtube about 48 hours after I streamed (give or take), but when it's there, you'll see me do a lot of talking about what I basically do on my blog.
And, yes. I know. I'm not doing my blog justice. I'm not doing enough on it. I'm not transferring blogs from here to my mirror. I'm not catching the mirror up. I'm not applying all the proper tags. I'm not doing a lot on the blog I need to be doing--including the explanation blog about my deleted blogs, which I'm approaching being two months late on.
Of course, there's also other stuff. I've gotten back into playing mafia games (although that's not a good thing, given mafia games also are a significant reason I am so messed up as a person; the root of my transformation online from good to less so can be traced to my having played mafia games and the damage they did to my psyche), but I still have judge work and title work to do.
I still need to cancel my flight. I'm out hundreds of dollars for the hotel which can't be cancelled no matter what, but I can still get the refunds from my flights which will still be at least a thousand dollars I save if I can get it back.
I probably have a lot of other life stuff I've neglected which I can't remember, too.
But back to the stream talk.
I just wanted to say.
I often forget this, but the 30s are the NG+ of the 20s, and at thirty years old, I have gained a lifetime of experience which has given me a great deal of perspective on things. My perspective isn't perfect. I still have a long ways to go in improving in a lot of ways. But I've lived through several lifetimes it feels of events that have given me the ability to reflect on events and come away from it having learned to see things in a way I feel can be beneficial to others.
I will always need to balance helping others with helping myself. I can't lose sight of helping others to focus only on myself, nor can I help others if I don't help myself so attempting to devote all of my life to others will burn me out and leave me wasted, a shell unable to do anything good at all.
I am still learning the balance of the two, and don't have it perfect, but I know better than to think myself a monster. Every reading I've gotten for myself, literally every reading, has been something along the lines of, "forgive yourself. Advocate for yourself." And that means I can't keep thinking too negatively of myself. I know I need to prevent myself from repeating my mistakes. I don't want to become arrogant, entitled, self-centered, egotistical, or anything of the sort. I need to care for others and avoid going down a route where I don't.
But I also need to accept I am a good person--it's not being selfish, egotistical, arrogant, or presumptuous to say that. I may not be a good person to some people, sure! And their perspective is valid. Their viewpoint I'm not is valid, and should be respected. But I know that, when all is done and said, I'm not a bad person, no matter what. At least not the current me. I believe my past self was, and thus I will happily join in on any who view my past self as having been a bad person. And that person left me with the lifelong baggage of having to live with their mistakes.
But live I shall, and learn I have. I know those were mistakes, and while I have lifelong regrets and will have remorse, I can use that pain to turn it into something which leaves a positive impact on the world. I have enough life experience to know what pitfalls to avoid. For instance, the situation I was in last year between March and July taught me about the damage of a negative feedback spiral/loop, and how much harm can come from entering that pattern of destruction...as well as how to identify it and offer potential ways to avoid it in the future.
A painful lesson to learn to be sure, because it carried consequences literally months later. But, I did learn it. I know I need to blog about the subject of mindfulness, I have meant to yet haven't. The long and short of it is I spent every day reflecting on events and have learned that empathy to see the other 'sides' and have gained a great deal of it I previously lacked.
I have made mistakes, bad ones, which carry lifelong consequences. Friends I would happily call friends probably want nothing to do with me. The number two and three most important people in my life will never reciprocate that level of relationship with me, with me never being their number two or three or even remotely close. I'll never be their ride-or-die friend again. I would do anything for them and I always will do anything for them, but right now I know the only thing they need from me is space, silence, and time, and because I will give anything to them, if what they want from me is literally nothing then I have to respect that and honor it and give them nothing even when I really want to give them something more. (I'll tell them that when I feel it's appropriate to, but I dunno when it would be. Of course they could learn if they read my blog, but, yaknow, nobody does, so...can put it up here and my telling them even if it's months from now will be the first they hear of it. Whenever it feels right, I will share, but I haven't found a time which does yet.)
I'm rambling and going off-topic, but what I mean by this is, I know my actions have caused great harm, and that pain is valid. People can feel it for as long as they want and are valid to have it. Days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime. We all experience emotions differently, and their feelings, negative ones from me, about me, about my mistakes, are valid, and any actions taken from those emotions are similarly so.
And everyone should do what they believe to be the right thing, always, at all times--if they believe the right thing involves condemning me, cutting me out, whatever. That is a valid decision to make. Maybe it's a decision others thing is wrong, maybe it's a decision they themselves will look back on and thing was wrong in hindsight. I'd know, that was me with my actions last year. I thought it was right at the time and have since realized we weren't. But people should still be trying their best to do the right thing. And if that right thing involves spreading the information about my crimes, that is the right thing for them to do.
And while everyone makes mistakes, they still they their best. And I know it.
So I am in a fairly unique experience. Both as the person who has wronged others, and in the position of being the person who has been "wronged". (I used quotes around it because, no, I have not been wronged. But some people would say otherwise, including potentially future versions of those to have done the 'wronging', and I used 'wronged' because I can't think of a better succinct description.)
I know basically the full run of the mill on perspectives and views. I've had a conservative upbringing. I've had a liberal awakening. I've cancelled people. I've been cancelled. I have seen the harm I have caused. I have seen how much pain I've been in. I have seen the cynicism, the pessimism, the pain, the loathing, the negativity, in others, as well as felt them myself. I know intimately my depression, my anxieties, and all the troubles they bring.
And I am thus well-equipped to give perspective and potentially help combat against them.
So I will used my experiences to basically help others, better than ever before. Bringing them joy and positivity.
Both the laughter of stupid jokes in joy, and the happiness of love and a feeling of belonging in joy, with the positivity of shifting perspective to seeing the better parts of life and knowing the love and adoration they have. Their talents, their skills, and how much of a difference they make.
I need to balance doing that with still preventing burnout. Give myself some me-time, and have some time to myself. But I can provide that service to others. I can give them that level of awe and wonder I myself have gained, that love of life and drive and passion to pursue living life and making the ripples left behind by our presences just that much bigger, more positive, and longer-lasting in impact.
It's a lesson I am still refining. I have a long ways to go on this journey. But I truly feel I am ready to be that reassuring voice of compassion and love, that arbiter, that reminder, that the world is a wonderful place to live in filled with wonderful people. Most people are good, and while all people are flawed, most people are trying their best to be good. Everyone fails at least a little at least once in their lives, often failing continuously because of their imperfections, but most people are good, including the people I am setting out to help.
Some good people have their flaws mean they are not good for each other, and that's okay! It's part of the boundaries of self-care to acknowledge that no matter the potential good in another person, with how they are and how we are it's best to not be together. I know that all too well because I'm sure it applies to me with others and a lot of them likely think the same of me if they think I'm good. And that's okay.
But most people are better than they think they are, and better than people think they are, and while there's always exceptions who are terrible people who make the world worst, most people make the world better by being part of it, and reminding people of that is something I think I can do.
I know I have a lot of work to do--but I do think I'm ready to do it.
I hope this is okay.
I know not everyone will approve. I know plenty will disagree with me in some or even most areas.
But, I have a lot of experience doing the wrong things and I think it's about time I start doing the right things and helping others do it, too.