And as is usually the case, that probably means I'll end up talking about each of them, but none to the level I want to, especially the later I go and the longer this takes.

I'll start with the follow-through on my last blog. It's overall worse, but at the same time, there's a reality of somehow making it through and that reality provides hope. At every stage, I feel like there's more and more setting us up for failure and less and less providing a path for success. But at the same time I still do cling to the hope my wife is right and that everything they dream of is possible.

That we can pull off a cross-country move.
That where we will live will be cheaper.
That where we live will have employment.
That where we live will allow us to finally progress in areas of our life that have remained stagnant for years.
That where we live opens up the avenue for building a future family together and starting the rest of our lives together.

After all, there's a lot going for us. For a start, my line of work is more likely to have openings because there's fewer who would qualify for and have the certificates I have, with my experience providing me an edge over other applicants.

We have tangible places to look at we know the general pricing of, which don't price us out or breed restrict us out.

We have the potential support of who knows how many others, from potential friends, family, loved ones, and maybe even coworkers.

There's the potential to maybe have transitionary housing with a relative.

We might even be able to use credit cards in this transitionary period to pay off big bills and then make gradual payments off on said cards even if it's only a small amount over time and accrues a huge level of interest.

All we need is the help getting through the door, and we would likely be good.

The hope-crushers are all getting more problematic for me to try and ignore though.

This would mean that for the second time in a row, we can't pay for the full lease of a place we're currently renting. We know the old management for our place would definitely have been willing to work with us, but at the end of last year our apartment complex was bought out by a more parasitic toxic management who is immediately violating state law in refusing to offer payment plans. Which is funny because we learned about said state law being a state law from the current lower management who helped us move in in the first place. The lower management is great and would love to offer us the accommodations we would need, but the higher up company policy overrides their sanity.

And we might not be able to meet their insane demands, despite actually desiring to pay them what they are owed. (We like our current place enough where we WANT to pay them the full amount of our lease, plus any moveout costs, plus any fines and interest that are reasonably accrued. For instance we would fight them on a charge of repainting the walls because nothing about any of the walls was damaged by us as tenants, but there's definitely some upkeep cost we would likely be responsible for.)

Moving half-way across the country loses all of the benefits of my current state. I don't think people understand just how many programs we have here that are helpful, and I genuinely believe my state offers some of the best public and semi-public and non-religious private education in the entire country across every level of education from pre-K all the way through college up to master degrees at a minimum. We'd be closing ourselves off from being eligible for state healthcare, from my state's education, from my state's culture and diversity and education and from being in one of the few places to have the ability to opt out of shopping at a big corporation like Walmart.

We would have to begin paying for things we currently receive through my parents. AAA membership and car insurance being the big ones.

We would have to somehow pull off a move of all of our stuff with me as the only driver, and to also get our car to our new place too despite my car and the rental truck likely being half the country apart.

Employment isn't a guarantee, it's just a hope--and there's no guarantee I receive gender-affirming care of any kind in a state which is less blue than Washington State would be. Not only on a social level (would I even be able to use the women's bathroom, locker room, etc.?), but on a medical level as well (here as long as you have medical insurance of just about any kind, you're eligible for all the services needed to transition pretty much for free with the maximum copay being $60 or so at the most expensive, with most cheaper ranging from free to $15 or so).

We have no protections against something going wrong. With our car for instance, or with moving vehicles.

There's less support available from family and the support available more likely to be toxic and come with conditions. I know I can rely on my family for any services they can afford to provide. They can't pay thousands per month, which is why we're in as dire a straight as we are, but they can provide a lot of help for things like food, transportation, storage, etc., all without conditions. My wife holds hopes of receiving that, but I don't think that the family in the area we would be going would be able to provide.

We would lose all of our social connections in the area and need to start over, when getting the few we have was difficult enough already. No friends in the area we would be going, and far less programs we'd be interested going to. I genuinely love going to Sapphic events and to Witches Markets. While I've gained some level of cynicism for both (Sapphic events overbook for their venues getting too crowded and provide too few protections from drunken ladies becoming too drunk to have spacial awareness aside from parking being paid; witches markets have poor parking availability, vendors outside are ridiculously cold, vendors inside don't allow dogs, and a lot of the vendors don't feel properly vetted), I genuinely love both and they have provided me enrichment and fulfillment in my life that I never thought possible going out in public.

Where am I going to get that in a place with far fewer people and far less diversity and far fewer outside of the cult of Christianity? There's probably still LGBTQIA+ events a plenty to be found, but would there be Sapphic events specifically? I doubt there's enough sapphics to generate the demand for monthly events the way we have an overabundance of Sapphics here. (Demographically we have a disproportionately high number of queer femme-presenting people here, our state is probably one of the top five in terms of queer ladies being openly queer.)

And even if there is...what would there be in terms of witchy events? Maybe, maybe, there would be some form of yearly market that is witchy-adjacent. Here we have a nerdy market which is technically focused on nerdy oddities particularly focused on Dungeons and Dragons and D&D-adjacent topics, which runs four or so times a year, and has a good 60 - 80% of the same vendors as the eight yearly witch markets.

And here we also have gothic markets covering darker things, loosely of the edgy hail-satan variety, but not really. The type of market covering metal music, and emo music, and similar genres, black clothing and lipstick and makeup and all types of things with spikes, bones, and similar.

And here we also have krampus markets, similar to the above.

Between the three of those, nerdy D&D-adjacent markets, gothic markets, and krampus markets, there's probably one or two that would run at least once a year...but I would be shocked to find witches markets for all eight witch events anywhere outside of where we live right now because as far as I know...the pacific northwest is the only place in the country with the level of diversity and cultural identity to have the level of demand to fuel these events being run rain or shine year-round.

Basically, as far as I'm concerned, in terms of cultural identity, social acceptance, in basically every way except for the cost of living, we already live in the best place in the entire United States for queer disabled neurodivergent witches. We live in a place where queer folk, disabled people, neurodivergent folk, and witches, are all at a level of unusually high percentage of the population. Anywhere else in the country isn't going to have the same amount of "our people" locally, at least not as openly so.

We have no real plan to get all of our stuff moved. We have only the hopes of it being cheaper and the cost of living actually being reduced lower than the increased amount of things we'll have to pay for and the likely decrease in comparable pay.

All of that is building up to be a weight because I'm on the verge of receiving all of the care I need here. I'm going to physical therapy and making huge strides in not being in constant pain. I qualify for behavioral health being given to me. My depression could get proper medication, as could my ADHD, and I have the access to medication for my disabilities, and I have access to HRT. I lose all of that when not here.

And those took me years to get, here, in the place considered one of the easiest in the country. How long would it take for me to get them in a place less queer-friendly, less neurodivergent-friendly, less disability-friendly?

My depression is getting to the point where with all of my anxieties, with all of the pressures, with all of the weights of the bills we're liable for and responsible for, with all of what we are likely to be dealing with...I'm just feeling hopeless and defeated.

I'm at the point where I feel like I am the obligatory sibling who never amounts to anything and is a total failure in any family of four or more kids. It's to the point where I feel bad enough where I've contemplated ending my life for only the fourth time in my entire life and only the third time since I got with my wife, for the third time since July 2023. (The other two being December 2023 and then around June 2024 if I recall correctly.)

Now, to be clear, I'm not actually suicidal, yet. If I were at risk, you'd know. I'll say that the best way for you to keep an eye on it is that my enemies should really be praying for my success and not my downfall because if I do go down I'm not going quietly into the night. I'm not going to be radio silent and then end my life. If I go down I go down swinging and will mince no words about any of the traumas, any of the abuses, any of the injustices, I've faced, my wife has faced, etc.

I've held back from ever lashing out like that because at the end of the day, as long as I have a hope for living a life, I don't want to live a life with hate. So if I succumb to hate, if I succumb to lashing out, then you'll know that I'm close, because if I am going to air out every secret I have, it's only because I don't want those weights to drag me down in whatever comes after my current life.

Again, why I say my enemies should be praying for my success, because I know enough to take them down with me and the only reason I don't take them down already is because I don't want to. As long as I have a hope for a future, I will never want to. But if they pray for my failure, and then it turns out I do indeed fail and lose my last reason for living...then they're gonna find out the hard way why they should've been wishing me well because the things I know are things I would be willing to go to the grave with if I live a long life but aren't things I'm gonna let be left unsaid and secret if my life were to end early.

Now, granted. I use the term "enemies" here mostly to invoke the stock phrase of enemies wishing success. I forget the exact phrase at the moment, but you probably know it well enough. I personally am of the Vinland Saga of "no person has any enemies". As I said in my last blog post, I'm slowly becoming the worst version of myself, the version of myself I least want to be. And that's the version which would retaliate against people who I know aren't bad, by and large, and deserve to live their own lives of prosperity. The worst version of myself would forget that.

But the me that I am, the me that is the best of myself and my life, believes that most humans are good, and that very few people deserve to be condemned. I believe in us all sharing a lot of the same desires in life and being owed the chance to pursue those things.

I believe in building people up rather than tearing people down. That to find common connection and to find the ability to empathize with each other and help each other is far better a life and future than a life where we're dunking on people for their worst sides and excluding them for their shortcomings. A life filled with joy and with awe and with passion is one far more fulfilling than a life filled with paranoia about the people you know secretly being terrible, more fulfilling than a life tearing down those around you, than a life of hatred and dividing and excluding those who don't meet the standards set.

I have this belief that "childlike awe, childlike wonder, childlike joy, childlike idealism, childlike passion", are not in fact traits of children but rather innately the inherent nature of humanity. That what makes humans be humans is that we have a natural innate awe and wonder of the world around us, we have an innate desire for the joys of both laughter and happiness, that we have an innately positive view of the future and of the world around us and of others, and that creativity is arguably the most human thing which is human above all else.

And that any association with those things being childlike is an artificially enforced view by an artificially built modern society that encourages conformity over individuality, but also selfishness over community, when it should be individuality over conformity and community over selfishness.

Yet despite how strong I am...I'm not so strong as to hold these beliefs so strongly I would rather die for them wordlessly, silently, in a young age. The pressures of society are enough, I know, to break me, and while in my better moments I believe all of the above...in my worst moments the amount of pain and suffering I've lived through on a daily basis is enough where I know I would lash out in hate, in bitterness, in despair, in destruction.

It takes years to build what can be destroyed in seconds. While that makes the efforts to build all the more sacred, all the more precious, all the more things we can and should appreciate for lasting as long as they do...that destruction is something I actively have to suppress, because the worst mistakes in my life and the fuel for the things I need the most therapy for are from not having been strong enough to prevent from lashing out as I did.

All of the lost friendships.
All of the burnt bridges.
All of the things I destroyed from anger, from desperation, from apathy, from asking too much and giving too little.

That's what I don't want to continue to be. And you'll know I've given up on life if I give up on not being those things and actively am throwing them away--and I'm dangerously close. I'm dangerously withdrawn. I'm in far less spaces than I was last year. Ever since January, I've been shrinking myself to be less and less out-there, to the point where I've stopped being involved with many of my closest friends.

I've stopped providing daily check-ins.
I've stopped talking to friends.
I've stopped coming to streams.
I've stopped keeping up to date on discords.
I've stopped visiting websites I've had as a core part of my life since I was 13 years old despite my age now being a flip of those two numbers. (31 going on 33, because I haven't felt like the last year has had anything really noting me as having a birth.)

I've largely lost my passion for games, given up entirely on content creation and streaming, and while my passion for writing was recently reignited...it chose the worst possible time with me unable to really put any time or energy into nurturing it. Most of what I'm passionate about right now is organizing my notes and making them more coherent, connected, and consistent. All of which there's secretly an ulterior motive for, in that it's also one of those suicidal ideations, where I have this idea that if I were to note every aspect of my work then it would be okay for me to not make it if it were released publicly in a way anyone could follow and make.

Now, I know better from experience. ComicFuryians literally lost one of their most beloved members to a suicide where the person gave up on life, released their work, and took their life. To this day, nobody as far as I know has continued their work and nobody likely ever will. I am the only one who actually will make my work and logically I know that. But suicide is never logical and illogically, it feels more okay to have my life end if I have the potential of a legacy after, and releasing my work in a way where anyone could pick it up fuels that.

Butstill. At the end of the day, that wasn't what fueled the reignited passion. In fact, quite the opposite. It was me just...wanting to. To have this pure passion, this unbridled joy to share my work with the world, reignited. I had a fire lit under me to show what the world of farn is really like, and I want to share it with everyone, in full, which is something requiring me to be there to work on it.

So that's one of the few things keeping me alive right now, and it's something hard to keep. I've been creating stories and ideas and games and such since I was 13. To date, nearly 20 years later, none have been realized, because I can never see them through.

​And I do have a lot of ideas.

My most recent idea, which is both kinda political but also kinda not, is that I think websites should stop being lazy with their filters for content in terms of age being largely a binary setting tied to maturity, and that for all content filters it shouldn't be a strict binary but rather a sort of slider, which both posters/creators can set appropriately and readers/viewers can filter for also appropriately.

As I see it, this should be a universal thing for websites, because it would also help create further protections for children.

"I never make content with a target audience of children", "I very rarely make content with a target audience of children", "I only sometimes make content with a target audience of children", "I make content with a target audience of children about half of the time", "I often make content with the target audience of children", "my content is near-exclusively targeted towards an audience of children", or "all of my content without exception is targeted towards children".

A filter would then be for what is defined as children. "12 and below", "14 and below", "17 and below", or "20 and below".

Set that as the first setting. "I never make content with a target audience of children" would automatically skip the following filters based on mixed audience targeting in favor of focusing exclusively on more mature ones, whereas "all of my content without exception is targeted towards children" would automatically skip every mature/adult filter. Those filters would note why they are disabled by the above.

From there, the next filter would be:
"None of my content is suitable for all ages; all of my content is inherently 18+ and for mature audiences", "I very rarely make content suitable for all ages; the majority of my content is inherently 18+ and mature in nature", "I only sometimes make content suitable for all ages; most of my content is 18+ and mature", "about half of my content is suitable for all ages; I don't try to be mature but don't shy away from 18+ material", "I often make content suitable for all ages; the majority of my content is not mature, but I have occasional 18+ material", and "all of my content is designed to be suitable for all ages; I never have mature or 18+ material in my content".

There would likely be a similar filter for the maturity range of the content. "My content is 18+", "My content is 21+", "My content is late 20s and above", "my content is young 30s and above", "my content is 36+ and above", "my content is 40+".

Similarly, "none of my content is suitable for all ages" and "all of my content is designed to be suitable for all ages" would disable most of the following filters by and large, with the disabled filters explaining why they're disabled.

"I am an adult whose content involves adult material at all times", "I am an adult who frequently covers adult material", "I am an adult who often covers adult material", "I am an adult and about half of material I cover is adult in nature", "I am an adult and some of the times I cover adult material, but it's not my focus", "I am an adult, but I never cover adult material", and "I am not currently an adult", or something approximately close to that.

There would also be a filter for definition of adult. 18+, 21+, late-20s, early-30s, late-30s, and 40+, potentially both for the age of the individual and for their target audience. There might need to be an option for "my material has aged as I have".

Obviously children, as well as those selecting that they never cover adult material, would be locked out of describing the filters for various types of adult material, and this would be a list of trigger warnings and essentially how often they are shown.

Nudity: "I show full-frontal nudity, including sexual acts", "I show full-frontal nudity, but no explicit sex", "I show breasts and butts, but any lower frontal nudity is partially censored", "I show breasts and butts, but lower frontal nudity is heavily covered or censored", "I show butts, and heavily suggestive near-nudity, but full nudity is avoided or partially censored", "I show butts, but heavily suggestive nudity is avoided or heavily censored", "I don't show full nudity, but lewd body parts may be prominently featured and/or near-nudity is displayed and/or nudity is heavily implied", "I don't show full nudity or near-nudity, but lewd body parts may be prominently featured", "I don't show full nudity or prominently focus on lewd body parts, but near-nudity may be present", "I don't show full nudity or focus on lewd body parts, but nudity might be implied", and then at the SFW end, "I don't show or imply nudity, near-nudity, or prominently display lewdness".

Maybe breaking the above into two filters, one for nudity and one for lewdness.

Sexual content: "I show sexual content, including explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, including implied explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, but don't show explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, but it is limited to lewdness and kissing", "I show sexual content, but it is limited to lewdness", "I don't show sexual content". This one I had a better version of in my head, I'm running out of momentum on how to explain it.

Adult topics: "I always talk about adult topics and themes", "I almost always talk about adult topics and themes", "I frequently talk about adult topics and themes", "I talk about adult topics and themes about half of the time", "I talk about adult topics and themes occasionally", "I on some rare occasions will talk about adult topics and themes", or "I never talk about adult topics and themes". 

This would probably have subcategories for what constitutes adult topics.

Always/almost always/frequently/about half/occasionally/rarely/never for:
Death,
Depression,
War,
Genocide,
Abuse,
Finances and Employment,
Living Conditions and Situations,
Food Struggles,
Life Skills,
General Darker Themes,

Probably more, I can't think of everything which would constitute an adult topic.

Violence would require at least two filters. The first:
"I exclusively focus on violent content", "I heavily feature violent content", "I frequently feature violent content", "I often feature violent content", "I feature violent content about half of the time", "I feature violent content sometimes", "I feature violent content on rare occasions", or "I never feature violent content". This filter would mention that it explicitly ties into any of the sub-filters.

The one I can think of being,
"I show the most gruesome form of violence including extreme gore", "I show heavily bloody content, including some light levels of gore" "I show heavily bloody content, but avoid gore", "I show bloody violence, but avoid extremely realistic and/or over the top levels of blood and violence", "I show bloody violence, but stylized and/or in moderation", "I show violence, but avoid extremely bloody content regardless of how stylized it is", "I show some blood through violence in weapons and fighting", "I show violence in weapons and fighting, but blood is kept minimal or nonexistent", "I show weapons and fighting with minimal extreme violence", "I show weapons and fighting but there's no violence", and at the lowest end, "I occasionally show weapons being displayed and discussed but never used and/or I occasionally show characters hitting other things".

Or something to that effect.

​To give an idea of how these filters would apply to, say, my blog?

I never make content with a target audience of children.
Arguably (and what I would do for safety), none of my content is suitable for all ages; all of my content is mature and inherently 18+.
Similarly, I am an adult whose content involves adult material at all times--even my earliest 2014 blogs were made after I was already an adult, albeit a very young one.

As such, my content is aimed at 21+ adults at minimum, with the content aging as I have. This blog is not designed for young-20s anymore, but the earlier 2014 entries were. I don't know what the minimum age for current blog entries would be, but it ain't 18-year-olds, I can confidently say that much at minimum. You could say anything 21+ is okay, my personal definition is usually "if you were born after 9/11 you're probably too young to be here", but you could go up to saying the youngest allowed age would be my wife and anyone younger is too inexperienced to really be dealing with the heavy topics my blog has delved into at times.

I never show nudity, and very rarely do I talk about nudity, but I do talk about kinks and lewdness on occasion (probably need to refine the filters for that).

I am extremely lewd, with lewdness almost always mentioned (deez nuts and hardly know her jokes in particular but also pickup lines a plenty and innuendos of all kinds), so sexual content isn't shied away from whatsoever.

I almost always am talking about adult themes and topics.

​Literally all of them have those themes, in heavy levels.

I feature violent content sometimes.
But it's in moderation, with me not going into gruesomely detailed versions of things, I'd say.

Then from the perspective of a viewer/reader, you would have filters.

First being selected age range.
"I am currently considered a child", with filters for "12 and under", "13 - 15", "16 - 17", "18 - 20". This would lock the user out of the majority of content regardless of selection, but based on the filters of the creators of content it would have some more available. (For many websites, arguably 12 and under being selected should auto-ban the account.)

"I am an adult", with filters for "18 - 20", "21 - 25", "26 - 29", "30 - 35", "36 - 39", and "40+". This would lock the user out of content which their age range makes them ineligible to view. Namely it would lock them out of content exclusively made for children and content heavily targeting children, as well as content they are too young for.

I think that mandating filters of this sort to be implemented on all sites offering content would make the internet a safer place for everyone. Does it stop people from lying? No. Does it stop people from misapplying filters? Not entirely, but these would be things that people would try their best at, with small misapplications corrected and punishments only for those who are wholly and entirely in very obviously extremely wrong classifications.

You might not know the difference between some violence and moderate violence, but if you're showing extreme violence with a filter set to showing almost no violence, you know your filter isn't properly applied.

These might be somewhat variable in being applied to specific content or to the account or to both, depending on the medium. Artists for instance might have filters for their content in general, but specific pieces might have filters that are different from their general filter. Streamers might have some filters for things that change, but likely less things change stream to stream than for an artist piece to piece. Posting on social media is something that likely wouldn't be viable to set most filters for most posts, so that would rely heavily on the profile filtering.

The specifics there are less important than their existence in general existing.

And this was my latest idea.

The third thing I wanted to talk about is religion, specifically how I believe that Christianity is arguably the only false religion in the world and arguably the only one to not be intrinsically tied to specific cultures, but also going into why many of the beliefs of Christianity are arguably applicable to nearly any culture and any religion and any belief system despite the religion being invalid.

But I don't think I have the energy to cover that in detail.

What I'll say there is basically that to accept the path of Christianity as valid requires first a belief that Christianity is not put on a pedestal above any other mythology. From the onset, the idea of "God" and Angels should be taken as no more real than Zeus and the Olympian pantheon, Odin and the Aesir and such from Norse mythology, Ra and the Egyptian pantheon, etc. You get the idea.

There should be the understanding that the universe wasn't made in 7 days, that evolution is real and there was never a real Adam or a real Eve, that there was never a Noah's Arc that contained literally the entirety of all life on earth in pairs of two, you get the idea. Science comes first, and that includes things like a virgin birth and the parting of a sea and the presence of mythological divine plagues and divinely striking down enemies and instantly vaporizing those who touch an artifact.

These should be considered as having the same basis in historical fact as any other piece of mythology from any other culture, in that whatever truth there may be behind these accounts has been heavily filtered by the mythology of numerous isolated cultures through countless generations of oral tradition that changed the tales and were eventually attempted to be written down long after they happened and were attempted to be unified even longer after they were written.

That in the same way there's no unified singular Greek Mythology or Egyptian Mythology or Norse Mythology with the mythologies of them being from countless different cities/tribes/etc. told over centuries or even millenia, the stories told throughout Christian lore are from countless different groups over a period over a thousand years, and as such, they have the same level of variance with there being no one singular truth above all others.

And that also, there needs to be a viewing of things as they would have been seen at the time, not as we have reimagined them over the millenia, before we can truly apply a modern lens on those ideologies. Jesus was understood to be a Jewish man (a man of color), and while it can safely be assumed he genuinely thought himself to be a man of reform, a man divinely inspired by God to reform the Jewish people, Jesus did not view himself as being born from a virgin. Jesus did not view himself as having mythical origins as being literally born from a supreme deity.

The phrase "Son Of God" was, in the historical context of the time, seen as a phrase for one enlightened by God, more or less. Someone with divine inspiration and backing. It was applied to all prophets from my understanding, not specifically Jesus and Jesus alone above all others being just Jesus. It was understood to not be an indicator of literally being the child of a divine being, of not literally being fathered by a divine being, of having no mortal father and only a divine one, but rather to be in the metaphorical sense of being divinely chosen to be divinely empowered to have a divine fervor, divine favor, divine spark, to be divinely empowered to deliver divine messages and miracles.

That Christianity culturally appropriated YHWH, the God of the Jews, and artificially elevated YHWH to be a supreme deity that is omnipowerful and omnipresent in ways that YHWH is always displayed in Jewish material as not actually being, because YHWH was The God Of The Jews, with The Jews as YHWH's chosen people, the two intrinsically being linked with a symbiotic relationship.

That even in the time of Moses, it was understood that other gods were as real as YHWH, but that YHWH had power over The Jewish People, and that YHWH's power over The Jewish People allowed YHWH to be more powerful than those other gods in service of The Jewish People, but that YHWH's domain was not so absolute as to totally trump those other gods. That those other gods were not in fact demons in disguise, but were in fact genuinely gods and recognized as such.

Including how witches were at one point consulted as mediums, in ways which no servant of YHWH was willing or capable of providing, meaning that explicitly there were limits both on YHWH's power and scope of knowledge and reach and ability.

That there is in fact no unified message or truth in The Bible because it is filled with contradictions.
Lucifer/Satan/The Devil (not even really named as such as we tend to think of) could never have successfully led a rebellion against an all-powerful all-knowing supreme true ruler, because by virtue of being all-knowing and all-powerful, God would be able to know of this plan in advance and instantly quash the rebellion before it began.

This would also require God to have known Lucifer/Satan/The Devil would create this evil, and willingly let it happen. God would have created Lucifer/Satan/The Devil knowing Lucifer/Satan/The Devil would create evil in rebelling against God, and God still made Lucifer/Satan/The Devil knowing this and let it happen without either stopping it or discouraging it or preventing it.

There's contradictory narratives about how humanity was given free will by Adam and Eve eating from the fruit of knowledge and by virtue of being the only creatures with souls being the only ones with free will, and how Lucifer/Satan/The Devil and a third of all angels rebelled against God. If they had no free will, then that would mean God literally designed them to become evil in a deliberately designed failed rebellion.

God would know Adam and Eve would have chosen to take the forbidden fruit, yet still commanded them not to, despite knowing they would violate the command.

God would have known everything was going to happen, and yet still have created those circumstances and let them happen, despite being supremely powerful and able to stop these things by virtue of being supremely knowledgeable about all that would happen.

These actions make zero sense under a God that is actually all-powerful and all-known as is Christian doctrine, but are perfectly in-line with depictions of deities that are extremely powerful and knowing but not quite all-powerful and all-knowing, akin to Odin from Norse mythology.

It is commonplace in many cultures for a deity to rebel, to resist, to kill, to fight, another deity in their lore, to varying degrees of success. In Greek lore Zeus was the THIRD-generation ruler. Not second, that'd be his father Kronus (might have spelling there wrong, but not to be confused with Chronos, they were two different titans I'm pretty sure but are often combined to be one), and not first, that'd be a deity I don't remember the Greek version of but I think the Roman name for that first-generation ruler is Uranus.

If memory serves, Uranus + Gaia produced the titans including Kronus and Rhea (by the way a big part of many mythologies people tend to forget is that literally almost every religion is heavily laced in inherent incest), and Kronus and Rhea then produced the next generation of Gods (both Olympian and those of the Underworld which I forget the exact term for), including Zeus. Just as Kronus and Rhea and the titans overthrew his father, Zeus and the Gods overthrew Kronus and the titans.

In Egyptian mythology you've got the struggle of Sett after murdering Osiris with Osiris's son (whose name I can't remember at this exact moment).

In eastern culture you've got some arrogant rebellion in the form of things like Sun Wukong.

And so on and so forth. Across countless cultures and religions, you've got tales of rebelling against the divine, to various levels of success. In terms of Jewish folklore, it would make total sense for a failed rebellion of a servant of their Jewish God to take place, because with said Jewish God not being all-powerful or all-knowing, the rebellion stood at least a chance of succeeding. With a third of all angels being involved, it was a genuine threat and one that almost was victorious, because of how close the two sides were in power.

But that doesn't work if God is all-knowing and all-powerful because that would mean that Lucifer/Satan/The Devil, knowing that God is all-knowing and all-powerful, deliberately entered a rebellion against God, knowing God knew about it and knowing God could end it at any time by virtue of being all-powerful. And that also only works if Lucifer/Satan/The Devil shares the gift of free will with humanity, because without the free will to rebel in the first place, then it wouldn't be rebellion; it would be a divine command from God.

In short, in order for Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to have rebelled, it either requires Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to have free will and a third of all angels also had free will to join (in which case, free will is not in fact unique to humanity), or if they lack free will then God literally designed Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to rebel and a third of angels to join, because that was God's plan, meaning God by virtue of programming them to do what they did would be the one who created those evils in the first place.

The entire mythology doesn't hold up to scrutiny, either scientifically or as a continuous narrative. It is filled with hole after hole, and even someone as casual as me can point these out. Christianity for two thousand years has spun narrative after narrative to justify these contradictions, rather than just admitting that they are contradictions. Or when they do admit there's contradictions, they pick and choose which parts to follow.

Any religion which you have to pick and choose which parts to follow could not be that of an all-knowing all-powerful God, and that requirement to pick and choose which parts to follow demonstrates why the religion is built on a temple of lies, inconsistency, and fabrications that people blindly believe to be truth despite their logical and rational brains being capable of noting how this shouldn't make sense.

But I'm not covering this in the detail I wanted to. In short I wanted to both deconstruct the flaws behind Christianity, while also rebuilding the strengths of it.

Jesus was against organized institutionalized religion because he knew the harm to come from it. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus believed religion should largely be a personal practice kept to an individual, private. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus was against deification of humans, because he knew the harm to come from it. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus was against hoarding of material wealth, because he knew how pointless it was. A good belief to hold true to.

Jesus preached about how what we do to everyone is what we do to God (you all know the full verse for this). How we treat others is reflective of how God will judge, essentially. That means treating to the poor and needy, showing empathy, etc., are all good things to do, and that's a good belief to hold true to.

Jesus was a pacifist, teaching nonviolent resistance, but 'nonviolence' was defined as not hurting others, with him perfectly willing to flip tables and cause property destruction and damage so long as no humans were harmed. A good philosophy to ascribe to.

Jesus preached love, empathy, and forgiveness, pointing out humanity is inherently imperfect. Nobody is without sin, nobody is without their faults and flaws. A good philosophy to live by.

And so on and so forth.

Christianity also has an excellent grasp on many spiritual practices, which have been adapted by the religion over the centuries, including an understanding of what many in the witchcraft community believe to be an understanding of the nature of "the universe", our role in it, and what follows after we die.

There's certain interpretations of Christian scripture which portray 'Heaven' and 'God' as one and the same, a state of everything everywhere all at once. Everything that ever was, ever could have been, ever will be, ever could, all existing simultaneously in one space happening all at once, and that we reach our highest self by joining with that whereas we experience 'Hell' by rejection of it, and punish ourselves.

And there's many other examples on how Christianity touches on many good spiritual practices.

But the religion itself is arguably built on cultural appropriation and the only religion to have been built without an existing culture it is inherently innately integrated with. (I would argue that even Islam, a religion which took from Christianity, is inherently tied to the Arab people at the time of Mohamed. Although by that logic it might also be possible to argue that certain branches of Christianity, such as the Eastern Orthodox version, do have the culture of their people integrated within. I'm not too concerned with defending my argument since my argument is mostly a combination of clickbait and a thought experiment more than it is a viewpoint I really want to defend. It's mostly a way to engage in the subject rather than a core belief if that makes sense.)

That makes it one of the religions easiest to apply to everyday life and widely broadly giving it appeal to billions across the globe even in this age of skepticism and science.

But it also makes it a religion fraught with issues from the get-go. The Bible was made 400 years after Jesus by a council arbitrarily deciding what to include. The books included were all written 60 - 120+ years after Jesus lived, and translated numerous times. That's a lot of men involved and no proof of divine, yet there are far too many who to this day still believe The Bible to be the Word Of God, despite their bibles being translated and transcribed numerous times and compiled and recompiled by men who had an agenda fueling their decisions.

So I do wanna delve into how to deconstruct the religion and why I do believe it's possible to reconstruct it. I personally don't follow Christianity, since I am very much a witch believing in no specific religion but with my brand of spirituality pooling from my own experiences, beliefs, and what resonates with me from numerous cultures and research, but a lot of my beliefs are Christianity-adjacent so I have an interest in showing how while the text of Christianity doesn't hold, part of the spirit in the most important messages does.

Jesus might have just been a man, but he left a legacy that could arguably be called divine, and I would love to delve into it more.

But alas.

For now, that's it. I've been writing this blog for five hours. The first subject about me, I covered pretty well. The second about my idea of reform for a better internet, kinda got across. The third about religion...didn't really get done, but I've done my best to at least touch on the subject, with the hope of doing more some other time.

​Thanks for reading.

This is something I've been wanting to do for years, on again off again, but rarely do I get the chance to actually follow through.

This was spawned by me doing some research for my novel, and part of that research involved reading a lot about Biblical stuff, and concepts like Lucifer, Satan, etc. (All of this for largely background lore I don't strictly need, although in this case it's slightly more needed because I am technically working on defining an ability of the protagonist Vee, so it's got relevancy.)

The first disclaimer I want to give; my beliefs are always ever-evolving. My understanding of the world is always changing. This will not be my final belief system, not even remotely.

The second disclaimer I want to give; I don't explain things very well. I might explain a concept you actually agree with, but my explanation is so bad that it makes you disagree with it because I am so bad at explaining it. A lot of what I believe in is stuff that if I were able to properly explain it, I think a lot of people would actually believe in, in some form or another.

And the third disclaimer I want to give; this is just my personal belief, that ever-evolving, poorly-explained belief. It is something I personally believe, but I would never push this belief on others. I will share it, I will discuss it, but mostly because I am actually looking for other perspectives. My perspective is mine alone and is limited to my own knowledge and ways of looking at the world. Others will differ, and fundamental in my belief is a need to incorporate the beliefs of others, because they have perspective and knowledge I lack.

So with that said, a loose outline of my belief system;

Loosely speaking, I believe that 'God' and 'Heaven' are one and the same. That at the highest level of existence, all entities are one collective entity combined, outside of time, space, reality. At this highest level, this level of existence sees everything that ever was, everything that ever could have been, everything that is, and everything that could be. Sees every universe that exists and every universe that could exist and every universe that could have existed. All that has ever been, all that ever could be, all that ever will be, all exist together in this form, collective, but also still containing a level of individuality. Basically a hive mind, one unified being, but also made up of all beings that ever exist in any reality.

It's important at this point to bring up those universes, and the nature of the illusion of time and space, so I'm gonna talk about 'destiny' and 'fate' here.
There's two terms in relation to universes:
"Every universe which could exist from the current point in time", what COULD happen in 'the future',
And,
"What universe will exist from the current universe in time", what WILL happen in 'the future'.

It's important to note that everything that could happen, does happen in a universe, but every universe has a version where things did happen. So the former is basically all of the possibilities viewed before they could happen (or looked at after the fact); the latter is basically what in the current universe actually did happen (looked at after the fact, even if it's thought of as before).

In this sense, the future is both mutable and subject to change, but also set in stone, and has already happened.

Because what you can do is many things, but what you will do is only one thing.
You do one thing in every universe, just a different one thing in those different universes. So you do everything across all the universes, but you do one thing in any one universe.

For these two concepts, what can be done and what will be done, you use the terms destiny and fate.
They are not interchangeable, and which concept you tie to which word is totally arbitrary, the important thing is to be consistent in your application of which concept has which word.
If you say what will happen is fate, always stick to fate being what will happen;
If you say what will happen is destiny, always stick to destiny being what will happen;
Never use what will happen to occasionally be fate and occasionally be destiny.

In recent times, thanks to the influence of TVTropes (although in older times, I had these as vice-versa--again, my belief system is ever-evolving!), the way I tie the concepts to the words is,

I call "what will happen" as 'fate', because of the Trope "You Can't Fight Fate". Fate is what will happen in the current universe.
I call "what could happen" as 'destiny', because of the Trope "Winds of Destiny, Change". Destiny is what could happen.

Notably, we cannot consciously change which universe we are in. We can consciously control our destiny, because we can control what we could do, but what we end up doing is always set in stone. However, I've come to the belief that subconsciously, a lot of us do forms of timeline hopping, where we go from one universe where something was set to happen to a different universe where a different thing is set to happen. But I digress.

I wanted to talk about Fate and Destiny, because it's important to understand by my belief, 'God'/'Heaven' exists able to view both, as this state of being is above both, is everything. And in this state, there is both a level of inherent empathy and also apathy towards what happens in the lower levels of existence. Because everything is going to happen, there's not much use in trying to influence the lower levels of existence, but there is a level of "that really sucked"/"this should happen in less universes"/etc. to those experiences.

There is simultaneously an understanding that no amount of intervention will prevent at least one universe from taking the sucky path, while also an understanding that the sucky path sucks, and should be as few universes as possible.

Because this level of existence is every experience possible, it inherently has a level of love, care, and understanding. Having experienced all of the pain and suffering of every possible person, it knows the profound level of harm to come from lives lived under the pain of harsh lives...but it also knows the intense level of joy, of creativity, of passion, of all the good and positive from lives lived while bound by existence.

And having seen both the bad and the good, this naturally biases existence towards a net drive to influence Destiny to be the better paths whenever possible. In short, basically all entities that exist on lower levels of existence, including humans, are naturally biased towards trying to do 'good'. What is 'good' is hard to define, but loosely, it involves showing care, compassion, love, empathy, understanding, and learning from others that exist, to provide assistance to them, and to help the future be better than the present.

​I believe humans evolved living by those standards, the standards of a community. Where we would help others, where we would support others. People would pursue what they most wanted and do what they thought they were best suited to do, and receive support from their community to cover their weaknesses. No human can be good at everything, but all humans can be at least good enough at enough things that in a community, you can cover the bases where anyone weak at something can get the help of a human who is good at that something. Covering each others' weaknesses with each others' strengths.

​They built towards a future better for their community, by helping support each other and set up for success, because of an innate inherent drive to show compassion and care to each other, and a drive to build a better future for those yet to be born.

​But I digress. 

Below this Heaven/God is various levels of entities in various forms of existence on various levels of understanding and knowledge about Fate/Destiny and such.

Here is where my understanding is at its weakest.
I'll say fuck the idea of angels/archangels being higher than pagan deities/gods/entities. That's repackaged Christian bullshit.

I vaguely believe that deities/gods/entities/angels as we know them are all different names for the same thing, entities that exist on a higher level than our own world, but lower than the afterlife of 'Heaven'/God. (By the way I use the terms Heaven and God out of convenience. It's easy to understand, but not something I actually prefer.) Connected to both.

It's important to recognize there's numerous levels, but I don't know what those levels are precisely.

I will say this; those entities at all levels can and do exist in lower levels too, but largely by choice. Connection to higher self is something which can be damaged by baggage but never truly severed entirely, whereas connection to lower self is something always there and chosen to experience, loosely speaking.

​I believe deities can and do frequently incarnate as humans. That these deities, these entities, these higher selves, frequently exist as humanity. 

Every human ever has multiple levels of existence, essentially. And these humans receive guidance from both their own higher selves and the higher self of others--guides, if you will.

Some can see all possible worlds, some can see what the current possible world is, some can see both, some can see neither.

And they try to guide every human to the best version of themselves and their communities.

I'm a little tired so I can't really complete this, but loosely, people have a high degree of agency and choice, and guides try to guide that agency towards futures better for both the person and the community and the people to follow.

People can be whoever they want to be, but some choices are better in some ways than other choices.

This is not nearly all of the belief, but it is as much as I have the energy to convey today.

I hope this, despite being incomplete, is entertaining and engaging and not offensive. Hopefully I can talk about my beliefs and how they retain to our actions and communities and such more next time.

Obviously, I'm not blogging every day as I used to, despite how my blog went over ten years as a consistently daily blog. So I'm not really using my blog for daily check-ins. I'm using my BlueSky account to post them, and then refining them on the mafia site I played on, and then posting the refined versions to discord in every community I am welcome to post them in.

But I wanted to explain a few things about them.

The first is a reminder about their primary purpose.

First and foremost, my daily check-ins are meant to let people know I am alive and okay--if I end up missing a place due to the stressors of life for a day or two, then no problem, as long as I am posting them elsewhere; if I suddenly go silent everywhere for over a couple of days with no prior warning or explanation, then I want people to know something has changed, something has gone wrong.

I want the presence of me to be taken for granted, so that any absence of me is alarming and is suddenly something to investigate why. It genuinely could potentially save my life, or if it's too late to save my life, then it could at least inform people of this fact, and allow them to contact my other loved ones, inform them, and collectively grieve the loss of me.

As time goes on, the number of spaces I am in changes. Realistically I can only handle being in so many. I will lose some spaces I was in, I will stop remembering in some spaces I was in, etc., while also occasionally gaining new spaces to be in. But as long as I am able to, I want to provide confirmation I am alive and okay enough to post on the given day. It needn't be anything revolutionary, but just a simple message can say I am still there.

However, I do have a preference in the form of check-in I provide. Because I want to normalize check-ins, I want to also normalize an environment which fosters the ability for others to check in themselves. I don't think people need to post their own affirmations because not everyone can--but I do want to normalize telling people you are alive, you are okay, and you love them. To let people know you're still around and you still care.

I do affirmations with most of my daily check-ins because that's the energy I want to send into the world. But any form of check-in is something. The reason I do affirmations specifically is because I know I have a talent with them. One of my past daily affirmations said, "if you think something is something anyone can do, chances are, that something is your talent, your skill". And that came from my own experience. I previously viewed supporting people like I do as something anyone could do.

I didn't think it was anything special, or remarkable. I just took it as a given, took it for granted, as something anyone could do. But with time, I've been able to realize that it is something special. Even if it's something anyone could do, I do it a lot more easily and naturally than most people, because it's something that just...is what I am good at doing.

From a spiritual perspective, this is because I have been told time and time again: "You are a healer" with a side of "you are a teacher". I heal and I educate. I have been described as having a bright light around me, a radiant energy. I have been told countless times I am a form of sun, a form of light, that I spread light into the world. Regardless of whether you put stock into those spiritual things, they do seem to have truth to them because, well...I am good at the affirmations.

And from a more practical side...it is because of my life experiences.
I have lived a very storied life and covered a wide array of beliefs, of perspectives, of life circumstances, of philosophies, of emotions, of states of being.

I have made hundreds, if not thousands, of friends. Every time a friend struggled, I read about it. I listened. Every time they had a hard time, I paid attention. (That may be the autism, but who knows?) I had a natural desire to help them, and did my best to. (That's probably due to innately high empathy for others.)

And I remembered my own darker times and what I lived through. In my darkest moment, how my empathy almost got extinguished, and how after I realized how close I had come to becoming apathetic to others, I was racked with the guilt of this and set out to atone. (This was before I was 18 by the way. The darkest period of my life was then, and it will always be the darkest period of my life because of how close I came to doing the unthinkable.)

I have experienced such extreme darkness, such extreme hate, such extreme loathing, such extreme guilt, and every negative emotion you can think of. I have become increasingly jaded. I was always a naive idealistic childish optimistic enthusiastic kid. But that outlook got repeatedly destroyed, leaving me increasingly bitter, cynical, pessimistic, defeated, jaded, and all-around spiteful. Yet I kept going, and despite everything...

...I ended up becoming able to reconnect with who I always ways. And I found my idealism, my optimism, my enthusiasm, my awe, my wonder, my belief in the better parts of the world, was stronger than that cynicism. (This is probably both plurality and also bipolar disorder.) Despite how messy my life and the world is, I see the beauty in it and everyone within. My hope became greater than any level of dread or despair could be.

My love grew, and got stronger with time.

And I almost never stopped wanting to help people.

And having needed help myself.
And seen others in need of help.
I paid attention.

I saw what didn't help me.
I knew what did help.
I saw what didn't help others.
I saw what did help others.

I remembered. I adjusted. I learned. I refined. To become more and more supportive to friends and loved ones.

I deal with crippling depression and bad life things happening, as well as having my life remain a mess--but at the same time, I have persevered, overall, with the help of loved ones, to help give me the reminders I have built my life up with.

So I have 31 going on 32 years (well pragmatically about 4 less than that or so) of living life as an autistic plural transwoman lesbian with bipolar disorder and adhd, living with crippling anxiety, with great dreams and the shattering of them by knowing just how unobtainable they are.

Hope, love, and support give me the strength to overcome life's challenges.

And it's never easy.

But I feel obligated to do what I can. I know I can't do much, but because of the life I have lived, the skills I have nurtured, I know I am good at giving the reminders which help people like me, which help my friends, which help heal the world, give strength, give hope, give small boosts of support and guidance.

It might not make much of a difference, but it also makes a difference.

Listening. Learning. Paying attention. Providing support. Finding what helped you, and seeing how it may help others. Finding what helped others, and seeing if it may help even more. Giving love, support, and empathy. Making people felt seen, felt heard.

It's not something that is easy to do, but it is something that when done, can just...make a small bit of light in a world filled with darkness. So as long as I am alive and okay, I will continue to do so in every space I am allowed to.

I know I can't make much of a difference. I know I can't do much tangible. But any little reminder, any little bit of support, any little bit of light in life, I will happily provide. So, I hope you all can stay strong. Much love. <3

Last year, I made a resolution to spread joy and positivity. It was enhanced by a witchy burn ritual.

I succeeded.

Pretty brilliantly, at that.

I don't like to brag, to show ego, to be arrogant. But at the same time, I know objectively, by every possible metric, I succeeded. I did it. Really really well, at that. The number of people who have told me I did gives an overwhelming amount of evidence that, yes, despite any self-doubt, despite any of my imposter syndrome, despite any of my thoughts downplaying my value...what I did, was exactly that. I spread joy and positivity.

So...what now?

Well that's where we get to my new resolution:
The same, but more!

Not magically enhanced this year, sadly, but my resolution:
Continue spreading joy and positivity, as I did in 2024, but then on top of that, pursue my dreams.

I want to be more specific on "pursue my dreams", but at the same time, 'spread joy and positivity' was itself a bit vague and in this case, what my dreams are may change. Currently my greatest pull is towards my novel, but will that hold steady all of next year? Who knows??? But pursuing dreams can and should.

So let's make it happen.

I know I can do it.

I just have to do it.

Let's live life together.

​Much love. <3

And when talks of energy in our apartment came up, we discovered we quite literally had a monster living under our bed. Or rather, an energy entity that was draining our energy and giving us many negative thoughts. It had come in around September, apparently, and that tracks. That's about when things became more stressful, about the time it became harder to rest/relax, about the time anxieties flared up, about the time thoughts of the past became much worse, about the time my shower thoughts got flooded with negative emotions, etc.

Just a whole bunch of things got worse around then, and now we know why. And with our place cleansed? We're feeling so much better. 

It also gives me an idea of what I maybe need to guard against at my workplace. When I am lifeguarding especially, I am often flooded with thoughts of the past and a lot of negative emotions. It's weirdly only during those times, and largely not around when I'm not lifeguarding, and I feel like there's probably a similar energy/presence hanging around that area which I need to basically tell, "Hey. No. Don't do that."

I'm not really the person with the authority to kick it our or empowered to do so, but what I can do is at least tell it, it doesn't have permission to feed off of me. To go away, that it has nothing to offer me, that I will not accept it, to reject it, etc. I know my building has a lot of harmless ghosts, but there is definitely at least one presence which isn't harmless there, and probably is the reason why my shoulders are in so much agony while lifeguarding and I get bombarded by so many negative thoughts.

Awareness helps create defense and immunity. I had built up pretty good defenses, but while working, those defense mechanisms weren't working, and I feel like I have a good idea why now. With an ability to return to sender and filter out the bad now empowered by recognizing amplification of negative, I can just say, "No. Stop." and hopefully start to improve.

So, hopefully, my strength will continue to get stronger. I already know I am a Breeacon of light. On a spiritual level, quite literally. The amount of light I radiate is immense. (Side-note but a package which should help kels and I a lot just arrived apparently, I'll talk about that in a bit if I remember.) I shine a bright light into the world, and I plan to continue doing so.

For as long as I am alive and okay, I plan to spread joy and positivity.

And...while it might not be useful for everyone, while some find it annoying, or might think them fake, or just out of place, or not bother reading, or so on and so forth? That's okay. That's natural. Not everyone will like everything. What matters is the people it does help. And the people it does help are...quite a lot. I plan to continue to help them, in any way I can, no matter how small. And my skill is in that joy and positivity. It matters, it helps, no matter how small, so I will continue to do it going forward.

And while I don't like that I require the support of friends right now to stay afloat...those friends are making the choice to help support their friend because we need it. And I will continue to try and make it worth it, to continue to improve our situation and give what I can and get to a place where I can reciprocate.

I'm doing pretty good on writing, on the daily check-ins, on the content creation. And on life stuff, we're managing pretty well overall!

So like...just gotta keep going.

I'm optimistic.

Yes, I know. The government as well as their billionaire corporate capitalistic backers and religious extremists want us dead and are empowered next year.

I'm optimistic in our ability to leave them without the power over us they have traditionally held.

To start supporting each other. To cut out the middle-man of corporations and begin directly supporting each other. Local people, as well as friends. Artists, producers of goods, etc. I believe in our ability to build what amounts to a coven, a community. To integrate and network across the world, but to also have spaces together locally.

There's a joke about "not a cult" about similarly-minded individuals, but loosely, the main differences are not having a charismatic leader, not having or even tolerating any form of manipulation, not trying to isolate people, not having any religious doctrine, not having to give up all possessions, etc. Living together and independently of the government without any NEED for many of the things we need individually, with a community pooling resources and dividing labor, but also not having things be unpaid. Loosely speaking.

It's a complex thing and nuanced idea which none of us really have the details of but basically all spiritually-inclined people are wanting and many of our friends despite not being spiritually inclined are on-board with because we are all tired, we are all frustrated, we are all struggling, and we don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way and don't want to rely on the government for fixing these things. And since the government won't help us and corporations won't either...we have to help ourselves.

Now, granted. I will still do my part to make the government be as good as it can be and corporations be held as accountable as they can be--and use all of the resources they offer. But at the same time, as the elite wealthy and the hateful people who think some humans are better than others and some humans aren't even human try to strip those resources, gut them, and try to remove our ability to exist...

...We aren't going to just die.

There's more love in this world than hate.
There's more care in this world than apathy.
There's more support in this world than greed.

And collectively, they are going to allow us to band together, survive, and after widescale socioeconomic changes take place, to thrive.

I know I don't know enough about any of these things to speak about them intelligently, and to yet act on them intelligently.

But I will learn.

We all will.

As the younger generation continues to get more and more frustrated with the struggles of life inflicted on us all, they will get more and more defiant. And creative. And network with likeminded people, who just want to survive.

And as the younger generation gets older, and learns, and begins to gain skills and resources no matter how limited in scope...they are going to not tolerate the oppression and close-mindedness of those who are in power and hold the wealth and want to maintain the status quo.

I believe the future will be brighter. I believe we are headed towards a form of mass-enlightenment. Where people become more open-minded, where people become more empathetic, more attuned, more in-touch with themselves and each other, and communication is emphasized, and connection is encouraged, and people are able to find each other and support each other with greater ease.

It will take time to manifest. And there will be resistance from those who don't want things to change, or want things to change towards how they used to be. But, I believe in our ability to recognize what they are doing. While there's traps, there's pitfalls, to fall into, there's pipelines which can lead to extremism, as a society we are becoming more aware of the tricks being used.

We don't want that fearmongering, that hatemongering, that rage, that fear, that depression, to define our lives.

So we're going to work to make their opposites stronger. That love, trust, and joy, will be so much stronger. Life will always have challenges, but I truly believe the future we are headed towards will be a better one. As much as I feel we're living in the worst timeline, I feel every timeline is headed towards that better future. We have the hardest to actively live in, we have the most challenges and struggles to overcome, we have the most difficulties to tackle.

But despite how we are in the hardest difficulty of life, the hardcore mode of hard modes, I still believe we are heading towards this better world. A world where we're able to exist as we are, be accepted as we are, explore who we are, and just all-around live life as we want to and are meant to overall.

So stay strong. Stay positive. We have a lot of work to do. And it won't be easy. But we have a lot to look forward to, and I am confident that if we keep our joy, keep our positivity, keep our empathy, our love, keep connecting, keep networking, keep learning, and keep putting action in...we'll still get to the future we want.

​Much love. <3

I'm leaving within the next 24 hours for a Thanksgiving vacation that will take me until next month--so this is very likely my last blog of the month.

I'll do whatever I can to keep people in touch during the time I'm traveling and when I arrive, but, I'm likely not going to be blogging until around December 4th, give or take a day or so.

I've got a lot to do and my body needed a death nap today, again, so like...still going to be doing a lot going forward, but...gotta try my best.

I don't really have the time to truly outline anything really hopeful, but I do want to say...despite everything, my worldview is actually more optimistic than ever before. I love this world, and the people in it. I love humanity. I love the people. And that love has only grown stronger, rather than being shattered.

I believe love, kindness, caring, compassion, empathy, learning, understanding, and support are stronger forces when acted upon than greed, apathy, and hate.

I believe most humans are good, and want to do good. That love is the natural and the default, with behaviors encouraging hate and apathy being learned. I believe we all want mostly the same things. We want to have the freedom to pursue our dream lives, and the security/safety to, while also enabling our loved ones to do the same. We want to leave a legacy that outlives us, while also living a fulfilled life. We want to leave a lasting difference which leaves the world a better place than it was before we were in it.

We might disagree on the means/methods, what is involved in these things, their exact definitions, etc. But I genuinely believe most humans want something along those lines.

That humans are smart, brilliant, creative, artsy, innovative, passionate, filled with whimsy, interesting, having each lived a storied life worthy of sharing and telling the details of and entertaining others. I believe that humans are capable of inspiring such joy, from humor, from uplifting, from supporting each other. I believe humans are loving and supportive and want to help their loved ones and to show that level of care for other humans.

I cannot hate humanity. I don't have it in me. I can't even hate any human no matter how worthy of hate. Pity, to be sure. I mourn the loss of the good person those monsters could have been, if given an environment and choices where they were given the chance to learn how to be a good person. But never hate, because I know that most monsters were born from their circumstances and environment and could have lived lives not as a monster if things were different.

I know that humanity is flawed. But there is beauty in those flaws, and I just love everyone, no matter their flaws.

So as always, I just want to say to stay strong. Believe in yourself, and your loved ones, and in humanity. Do what you need to stay safe and protect loved ones, but at the same time? Remember to live life, and remain hopeful. The world is already a beautiful, wonderful place. We can make it an even better one, as long as we believe in our dreams being possible. So stay hopeful, stay loving each other, and we will survive, and we will build the lives we want. Much love. <3

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I was very productive in plurality stuff, story stuff, streaming, and in spirituality stuff.

I do have to make sure my fiance is okay though.

I did get a bit of a confusing event though.

I feel like I got called out for a lack of communication and honesty, but...I don't know what it could be for. I can't think of a single thing I've been dishonest about. As far as I know, I've been living a life of full honesty. I can't figure out what I'd be dishonest about. And as far as I know, the only communication I haven't done is with those who have set the boundaries of not wanting me to.

So...what am I missing?

I know I must be missing something, but what could it be?

I'm honestly a bit worried this could be the test, and that I am failing it, because, like...

...I don't understand.

I have learned to understand a lot. I have learned to see a lot of the various perspectives of others. I have nothing but love. I have nothing but compassion. I have nothing but good wishes. I have nothing but honesty. So why does it feel like I am being told I wasn't? Where haven't I been? I can't figure it out.

So like...if this is the test of understanding, I must have failed. I know what I have done and I know I have lived honestly and true to myself. I can certainly stand up for myself by defending that. I can certainly communicate with those who want me to. But I don't know what I'm meant to do rn.

I felt like I was fairly attuned, but now I'm feeling doubts. I'm drawing blanks. 

I don't want to ignore the callout, but at the same time...I don't really know what I can do. All I can think of is to keep focusing on what I have. I have a lot of good in my life. I have wonderful friends who see the beauty in me. I have many who enjoy my presence and want me in their life. I have an amazing fiance. I have a good stream schedule going. I'm making progress on my projects. I'm about to embark on more. I'm an acceptable artist. I'm getting better at balancing my life.

I have a strong love for everyone. I have a strong drive to heal others, and to teach others, and to create, and that holy trinity is my strengths as a person. I am growing spiritually.

There are things which I don't have which I want. Namely my desire to help those I can't, to support those I can't, to celebrate those I can't, to hug those I can't, to provide the good vibes to those I can't. But I have no control over those, and never will. By following boundaries, by following limitations, I can do nothing. I would love to, and on my end I can stand up for my virtues while listening with love and support. But that's all I can.

And since I can't get those things I want, I should focus on what I can.

I want to live the most fulfilled life I can. I want to live the most rich life I can. I want to live the most productive life I can. I want to live the most elevated life of servitude and goodness. That of the healer, teacher, and artist.

So, without an answer for the things I want but can't get, I'll focus on what I can get.

Maybe that's the test, to see if I have learned to let go of what I can't get and to hold onto what I can.

We'll have to see. I'm trying my best. That's all I can really do.

...but that's okay.

I got a callout from my tarot reading, and also a very extensive reading from a different practitioner. From the looks of things, some time in the relatively close future, basically "the test you went through? You're going to be given it again to see what you've learned".

I can't imagine the test ever being something purely good. Something bad is going to happen, to someone I care about, which could include being me. But, if I have learned the right lessons, then I should be able to overcome the challenge with compassion, love, and empathy. It's something which is scary. I'm always going to want the best for everyone in my life, so I always want good to happen--

If all went well, if good were happening to them, then I wouldn't need to be giving them the help, basically, and who would ever want the people they love to go through a trying time requiring help? Nobody wants that. But, since life lifes, and everyone has their difficulties, all I can really hope for is that I can be there for them, I have learned what I need to, and I can help them.

I'm probably rambling, but basically, as worried as I am about my abilities to help heal and teach, I'm not going to back down from any situation which arises. I'm going to help, I'm going to heal, I'm going to spread my joy and positivity, and I'm going to give my love, regardless of the situation.

I'm in a space where I'm gaining confidence in myself, and gaining confidence in my path, and in my support system.

I hope I can give that back by continuing to do everything I am doing.

...on the actual day, today, what I was originally going to was Not The Vibe.

All of today, I was reflecting, and for the last few days I've been considering if I actually should do the blog that I was going to, and ultimately, I felt no matter how bad or good the blog I was going for was, ultimately it just wasn't the vibe.

​I kinda also forget what I was gonna replace it with, which sucks, because I was gonna write about something amazingly good. Something very positive. Something very good. If I could remember what I was thinking of blogging about twelve hours today, today would have a spectacular blog. But whatever good vibes I had in mind, I've unfortunately forgotten them.

But while I may have forgotten what I was gonna write that was good vibes today, that I don't want the bad vibes from my original planned blog remains. My plan was a long blog about all of the bad to have come from one innocent event which began today last year, on March 21st 2023. A long list of all the pain and grief and tragedy to come from something so innocent in intention that went horribly horribly wrong and has lifelong consequences. And then I would go into the silver linings, how some good came which never would have otherwise.

...but, for whatever reason, that failed my vibe check.

I still want to briefly mention what happened one year ago. It's been littered throughout my blog posts ever since I resumed blogging in December 2023 and had some hints in post-July-23rd July + August + September, but I've not talked about it in full. Today I was kinda sorta intending to; it doesn't pass the vibe check for a blog today, despite today being the one-year anniversary of the beginning of the event.

Basically, last year in February, I was invited to a friend's server, of about a dozen members. We were almost entirely all prominent major names in one streamer's community. The server owner, Two VIPs, a mod, and other instantly recognizable names. The artist for this friend server, one of said VIPs, had a rant about something in said streamer's community, and the server owner created a temporary discord subthread for the venting, which didn't stay temporary. That rant happened on March 21st, 2023, exactly one year ago (well, 21st or 23rd, I have the date saved but don't have which of them 100%, pretty sure it was the 21st tho), and set into motion a disastrous chain of events that would cause lifelong damage to far more than the nine or so involved. 

I was going to talk in great length about all of the bad which happened, how it came to be, and all of that, laying out how good intentions from good people (not a single one among us being bad) led to a bad outcome with repercussions still playing out to this day--mostly bad, but ending on the few silver linings, bittersweet as they may be.

Since it failed my vibe check, this will be the extent of my mentioning it. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, and to any it would do good to explain it to I absolutely will, but by and large, my vibes shouldn't be focused on the past. My vibes should be focused on the present, and the future.

So instead, let me say what I'm actually going to be talking about, for the rest of the blog post.

​I want to talk about what I have gained and what I have learned. It may have spawned from tragedy, it may have spawned from bad, but how I got it in the past doesn't matter. That I have it, does, and how I intend to use it, that's what's important. That's the vibe. I can't change the past, so dwelling on it does nobody any good. What I can do is change the future by my actions in the present, and that's what I'm thinking of doing now.

I'm going to go forward with my plan to make shortform content, namely videos. I'm going to be regularly uploading them, potentially daily (although that will require recording at least 4 per day I record them on), with me recording them on my main two nonstream days, Tuesday and Thursday (ideally, quickly, as to not interfere with any streams from my fiance).

I want to make at least six per week, ideally 8 - 12.

I want these videos to mostly be about the things I have learned, life lessons, and to share my outlook and words of affirmation.

I wrote my intention this year to be a Breeacon of joy and positivity. I wrote my intention to spread the good vibes to all. And I want to make good on that promise, in a big way.

I have already been succeeding in those goals, in the spaces I live in. I affirm others. I see their beauty. I see how amazing they are. I look at their talents, their passions, their interests, their hobbies, their pastimes, with glee and awe. I congratulate them, I tell them they are awesome, I see just how wonderful they are. I give them as much validation as I can, although they will always deserve more than I as just one individual ever could.

I provide daily or near-daily affirmations. I speak from the soul, providing positivity coming from my heart. I share my love of them, and give them words to help get them through the day. I help them, even if just a little, by giving them boosts, extra strength that helps them get through trying times.

I provide my perspective. I teach them my lessons. I have been on all four sides of most issues. I've been the one who has wronged people. I have been the person who thought others had wronged me. I've been on the outside watching someone who has been wronged. I've been on the outside watching someone suffer the pain of knowing they have wronged others.

I used to be nothing but a student in most areas of life. Learning.

But now I am both a teacher and a healer.

So I am going to make videos where I focus on those two things.

I want to spread my messages on a grander scale.

I can't guarantee this will happen. I have to be careful not to take on too much. And the people in my life take priority over spreading my message to people who aren't in my life. I don't want to neglect existing friends in favor of potentially helping someone in the future that I currently don't know.

So I have to make sure this is only being done in the small windows of time where I have nothing I otherwise would be missing out on. Which is why it may not manifest as what I am hoping it to. I want to try though, ideally in sub-60-second messages. Loosely, what I want to do is modeled more after the more positive side of places like Instagram and tiktok, the likes of Quincy's Tavern, Hank Green and the vlog brothers, the positive messages of some content creators, but to be the genuine words from my experiences.

​I know I won't do it perfectly. I know I may give some lessons wrong, with my lack of knowledge causing me to accidentally spread imperfect information. I'll need to find a way to be clear about that being possible. A disclaimer of some kind of, "I am still learning, and the information I give may be flawed. Please continue pursuing learning on your own", or something of the likes. But I want to do it.

Videos on plurality.
Videos on witchy stuff.
Videos on LGBTQIA+ stuff.
Videos telling silly jokes.
Videos where I give affirmations.

All based on what I have learned, and my experiences, and my outlook.

​I want to share my view on the world with others, in a way where they can see it, and bring into their own life whatever they see as worth bringing in from mine. They don't need to take everything of mine as gospel--as long as a single thing I have said resonates and helps them on their journey, then what I did was worth doing. So I want to do it.

​There is a lot of good in this world. And I have a lot of good in this world. I have two amazing friends who are pursuing each other, seeing them flirt is really really cute and fills me and my fiance with giddy because we see a lot of our own journey in them. They are the second and third most important people in my life right now (I don't think I blogged about my revelation that these two friends are the second and third most important people in my life, but they are; we hang out every week, watch things together, trade jokes and comments, support each other, and I want them around more than anyone else bar my fiance), and they are amazingly cute and give me much joy and happiness to watch their love.

​I have many other close friends, too. 2024 is truly our year. They are all crushing it at life. They are growing, and sharing their growth. I enjoy watching their journey and celebrating them. I laugh at their humor, I vibe with their presence, I love their lives, and I am thoroughly fulfilled in life by just being surrounded by those I love and who love me back.

I uplift others, and they in turn give me the strength to keep going by sharing all the good in their lives. I support them in their low times. I give all of my love to all of them, and I see just how beautiful and amazing and incredible they all are.

There are those who don't want me to do that for them anymore. And as saddening as it is for me, as much as I would love to celebrate their achievements, as much as I would love to support them through their harder times, as much as I want to give them that joy and positivity, I have to respect that they don't want it from me. I can silently wish them well on their journey, send positive thoughts and prayers their way, put the energy into the world where I wish they succeed and find/hold onto happiness and good vibes, where I love them from afar, but because I still love them and always will, their wishes are all that matter. Their desires, their drives, their lives, their perspectives, their feelings, are valid and matter, and they wish for me to be uninvolved in their process.

I will respect the conditions I am given, but I will never impose conditions of my own. That I can promise. I am still learning how to approach from a place of love, not a place of trying to fix things. But I can promise to not let my shadow take control. I can promise to recognize the source of my pain and negativity. I promise to wish them well regardless of whether I am involved or not. My presence isn't needed, isn't required, for them to find success, and I should be all the more proud of them for succeeding without me. I can promise to have that mindset, to have their good be enough without anything from me, and to treat any presence of mine which they choose to let me have as the gift and blessing it is, from them to me, with me being the one who receives more from it.

I know I have received so many readings telling me that I am on the right path. I am headed in the right direction. I need to keep doing what I am doing. So I can keep doing that. I can keep learning. I can keep improving. I can keep creating. I can keep streaming. I can keep making the lives of everyone who chooses to let me be a part of their life, all the better for it. I see them for the beautiful souls they are.

I see the good in all these lovely people. I see all of the positives in these people. I love them all, I love all the good things from them. Their lovely personalities, their life experiences, their outlooks, their endeavors, their passions, their jokes, their supportiveness, their chattiness, their aesthetic, everything. People are beautiful. They are wonderful. They have such storied lives, and I am so privileged to be a part of all the lives I have been.

I remember so much about them all and I would never trade it for anything.

I want people to know there is more good in this world than bad. I want people to see the good in themselves, the same way they do to others. I want people to see their merits, and be encouraged to pursue their passions, to fulfill their dreams. I love hearing about what they want to do and I want to help them do it. I want to be that friend who is always supportive and loving, while also spreading that to the whole world, beyond just my friends.

A lot of people could use little affirmations. And a lot of people could use someone to help give them knowledge they otherwise wouldn't have had. And a lot of people need some daily laughs. So I should continue to give these things to others. My friends as my first priority, but to the world as I can.

I have a lot of love to give.
I have a lot of hope to spread.
This is a year of healing and recovery and growth and becoming who we were meant to be.

It's about time I got started.