Yes, really. I have good reasons to. For my whole life, I have been an incredibly spiritual person. And part of that lifelong spirituality and call to the realm beyond the physical, to more than what science knows? Was in fact dipping my toes into exploring Christianity. I went with my mom on multiple Easters, and now I have gone with my wife on Easter. I enjoyed watching the people, and bonding with the person I went with (my mom as a kid, my wife now), and I wanted to, in my curiosity, explore the religion to see if it could provide a tug to my innate spirituality.

...But every time, it does the exact opposite. My innate spirituality is repelled by Christianity because Christianity is in violation of everything spiritual, at least in the form that it is practiced and, particularly, preached by. As I've explored, I've found how much is so close to being spiritual in a healthy way, which is why I will still sing praises to elements, to aspects of, Christianity, for all of the good they stumbled upon, but it is that very fact that they almost have greatness and then they squander it by rhetoric drenched in shame and pressure and in lessening oneself and promoting one true path and in doing so demeaning those not following said path, that I am as critical as I am of the religion, because the spirituality which could be found there is destroyed and ripped apart by the rigid dogma of their preached doctrines.

The Easter sermon I attended today was in particular a fine show of that, where I could see the closeness to good ideas, and how those good ideas are then hard-pivoted into a self-centered belief system that undermines growth, that undermines faith itself, in favor of obedience to the church. And make no mistake, 'faith' and 'obedience', despite how closely they're often linked, are two entirely different things altogether. One can have healthy blind faith without a lick of obedience, but what I often observe from these sermons is asking for blind obedience without a lick of actual faith.

In fact the sermon I listened to made it clear that faith would give nothing, because belief alone is not enough. The good idea was there, but the twisted execution makes it deliver the exact opposite of an uplifting message of hope, of love, of bonding, of community. The sermon made it clear that the Christian doctrine dictates that the only one with any say in who goes to heaven is God and nothing we do can change that judgement, loosely speaking. Which is a nice idea, but horrible execution.

​And that brings me to one of my main gripes with the religion. An estimated 25 - 33% of humanity allegedly follows, loosely speaking, some denomination, variant, and/or cultist offshoot of Christianity. But by the belief of Christianity, belief in Jesus as the one true savior and the only path to Heaven would thus require that God would condemn a minimum of 66 - 75% of humanity to eternal damnation, per their belief system.

Now, in my last Christianity rant, I focused on how that doesn't sound like a combo ever possible from a God that's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. Because an all-powerful God has the power to intervene in any way God sees fit to set things exactly to God's plan. And an all-knowing God would know the exact consequences of those actions and inactions. And an all-loving God would see that under the current path with the level of interventions as they are, the majority of humanity would be condemned.

So by the Christian belief system, we would thus have to assume that God, knowing humanity's free will, would see that the majority of humanity would not follow the path to eternal salvation, and knowing this would happen, didn't...do anything about it, and willingly let the majority of humanity be condemned.

That aside from the contradiction between the idea of Jesus's sacrifice and the justification provided. Per Christian lore (and on Easter in particular this was heavily emphasized and reiterated), there was an Original Sin, committed by the biblical Adam and Eve. Aside from how we scientifically know there never was a singular Adam or a singular Eve and that humanity evolved (which undermines the entire concept of an Original Sin, because if humanity gradually evolved from prior forms of life there was never a garden of eden from which we were expelled from due to eating a forbidden fruit from a tree of knowledge or anything of the sort).

Even by the established lore, Jesus is said to have purged said Original Sin by his sacrifice. So if Jesus purged the original sin, then logically, all those born before would have it removed and retroactively be given a chance at Heaven (this is part of Christian lore as Jesus entered purgatory to remove all of those who should have been eligible for Heaven, per Christian lore), and all those born after would never have the Original Sin, because Jesus already purged it.

So if Jesus purged the Original Sin, then why would we still be dealing with the consequences of the original sin? Jesus paid the toll for ALL of humanity--past, present, and future. So if Jesus paid the toll of humanity for the original sin, then humanity shouldn't be suffering the consequences of the original sin. Yet this, as far as I can tell, just kinda...gets glossed over and ignored by the faith.

The preacher today literally said sin still lives in all of us. Which, I don't disagree with. But logically it shouldn't if Jesus removed the original sin as he allegedly did. And like, while I agree that all humans are imperfect (another part of the sermon), that imperfection doesn't equate to inherently being sinful. The majority of humanity, regardless of their beliefs, are good people who try their best to do their best and want to and try to do good.

Any God that would condemn the majority of humanity, when the majority of humanity is inherently innately good and trying their best? Couldn't be an all-loving God, so couldn't be a God of mine.

Even if we add in adjacent beliefs, like Islam, that's still a good half of humanity damned to their idea of Hell. (Because those of the Abrahamic faith make up about half the human population according to a quick Google search, with about 33% identifying as forms of atheist, agnostic, nothing-in-particular, or pagan, and the remaining being other belief systems if I recall correctly.)

And that's aside from how just belief in Jesus as the savior and the one path to salvation is not enough to guarantee a place in Heaven, as made clear. (And I actually agree on that part.)
Not all who (allegedly) identify as Christian, hold to the standards of Christianity. Aside from the monsters committing the most heinous of crimes against humanity, life, and the planet itself, there's the stringent contradictory standards required of the faith per their doctrine. What rules to follow, what rules to ignore, is something left arbitrary, in a way which it couldn't possibly be if The Bible were truly the One True Word of God showing the One True Path.

If The Bible, if Christianity, truly held One True Path towards Salvation, then which rules to follow shouldn't be so widely debated and so widely different and contradictory. What one branch of Christianity might view as a sacred requirement, another might see as trivial. What one branch might see as a hard line which if crossed condemns a soul, a different branch might see as a requirement for salvation.

When the belief is so divisive as to what matters and what doesn't in terms of salvation and damnation, it cannot be seen as one true path, because every branch views themselves as the best path, and thus, they cannot all be the mandated path of salvation by God. Now, there's nothing wrong with a doctrine deliberately leaving things arbitrary and up to the individual. That's one area I mean in how Christianity comes so close to true spirituality.

Leaving spiritual beliefs and practices for what matters and what doesn't up to an individual with none more or less valid than the other? That, I can get behind! I believe in precisely that! But every single branch of Christianity, every single denomination, doesn't present their faith in that light, from what I've found. To the contrary, they do the exact opposite. They try to portray Christianity as one unified faith with one unified path towards salvation where if certain rules are followed it puts you in good graces with Jesus whereas certain other things will be judged by God as worthy of eternal damnation.

​There's definitely beliefs that tend to be more widespread, of course. In particular New Testament focus, on Jesus's words, on Jesus's preaching, on what Jesus said and on what Jesus did. But it should be no surprise, then, that this is where I find my greatest disappointment in Christianity. If I were ever asked by a Christian, I would say "I actually follow the teachings of Jesus, but because I follow the teachings of Jesus, I cannot identify as a Christian because no branch of Christianity I know of follows them to my satisfaction".

As one example of many, I've found that all modern churches I know of, without exception, fail to follow one of the most important tenets of their alleged savior Jesus.

If they were to truly embrace Jesus's teachings, these churches would organize volunteers to keep their doors open 24/7.

They would accept, around the clock, regardless of weather (within their capacity to reach the church and keep the church powered, at least), people staying in the house of God, for as long as they wish. This tenet of Jesus's teachings was historically known and followed, with churches as sacred places of refuge, of sanctity, of shelter. These places were safe spaces, places for even those who weren't true believers, who weren't of the Christian faith, to come to at any time they needed, even in the dead of night.

Christians in churches, if they were actually following Jesus's teachings, would have kept to that. Providing shelter from the elements, water, and bathrooms, all for free, all for as long as they need them. If desired, they would provide sermons, and similar services. To direct those who come seeking aid to places they can find it, to teach, to read, to give those in need some love and support in their time of need.

I would ask all Christians who attend church:
Why doesn't your church do this?
Why doesn't your church, with all of its members, with all of its volunteers, with all of its community members, with all of the services it offers, with all of the donations they receive and resources they have available, organize a way to keep the church open around the clock to give year-round services to the needy, to the poor, to the unfortunate, to the vulnerable?

Why does your church have hours of operation? Why does your church shut down during times that are often the time people most need help? Why does your church turn away people who are at the door requesting aid, requesting services, requesting entry? Why does your church not try to help those people more actively and passively?

I want those Christians who attend church to give that some real, good, long, thought.

Because the answer is often more uncomfortable than they're willing to admit:
The answer is, quite simply, a failure to follow in the footsteps of Jesus as they allegedly aim to.

The answers most Christians would give for why their church doesn't do that, I guarantee would be in violation of the faith's fundamental teachings. How many passages deal with treating every single person as if they're God, as if they're Jesus, as if they could be an Angel, and showing them kindness, showing them empathy, showing them love, showing them compassion, and trying to help them? Even me, without being someone who has read The Bible start to finish, is familiar enough with it to paraphrase entries along those lines. Bible nerds can quote the exact passages I'm sure.

So if they know that they should be doing those things...why is their place of worship...not built to provide those things? Why are churches not designed to provide 24/7 humanitarian relief and service humanity as a whole?

I understand Christians who have private property they live on not opening up their home to everyone; that is their right. (It probably isn't supported by the faith, but I personally support it, because people deserve to have their own personal sanctuaries, their own safe space, their own control over their own domain and their own homes are theirs, as far as I'm concerned, regardless of what The Bible may say.)

I understand Christians also often operate services like food banks and homelessness shelters, so it's not exactly like they don't do any humanitarian work at all. (Although many branches don't do any, I will at least acknowledge some do.)

But unless those services are available 24/7, then they run into the same question. Barring logistical impossibilities, where there's not enough people to run it, where there's no ability to get there, where there's no power, where there's severe weather making it impossible or extremely unwise to get there...why aren't they open 24/7?

To give to the needy, to give to the poor, to give shelter and refuge to all, no matter what, is something that is baked into the faith, which is at the heart of Jesus's teachings. To have humans help humans, to the best of their ability, and that all of humanity when they network and band together are capable of doing a better job at it than any individual human would be.

And Jesus got very mad at the greed, the corruption, the waste, of those who used their wealth to further enrich themselves and reject the poor and to become elite and entitled. Jesus flipped tables and encouraged nonviolent resistance to said elite, to make reform and to advocate for the needy, the poor, to chastise the rich and the wealthy for wasting their resources and not distributing them to those who need them.

​There was a time Christians understood this and were known for following it, where they would provide a place of refuge to even those accused of crimes--even at the risk to those within. They would risk their church, they would risk their lives, to protect those who were seeking sanctuary, particularly from forces of oppression.

​Now, I understand the church does have a bad rep in going too far in this regard, notoriously having sheltered those guilty of war crimes (particularly, smuggling them after world war 2 for instance), and more infamously in modern times, actively protecting those who enact the worst of crimes on children, women, and fellow humans.

But there's a difference between shielding those worst-of-crimes-individuals from the consequences of their actions (something allowing them to continue to propagate harm to humans),
And providing a place of warmth and basic human decency to all, regardless of risk.

The latter is something Jesus demanded of all his followers. A level of personal risk in trusting in the inner goodness of humanity. To serve, to assist, those in need, without prejudice, regardless of whether those in need are thankful, loosely speaking. I would, in my personal belief, state that there are of course reasonable limits to this. You can't pour from an empty cup, and all that. But I don't think The Bible itself has any verses from Jesus where he states there are limits to providing compassion. That, I admit, I could be wrong about, but at the same time, I think you understand where I'm coming from in how the faith, per Jesus, demands that level of faith in the good in humans and trust in them and the command to help those to the best of our ability to.

​I know a lot of Christians justify not providing these services off of the belief that those receiving them are exploiting good faith--that their good faith in humanity is being exploited, being used, by people. Often "they're lazy". But that sounds awfully judgemental, doesn't it? Nobody knows the circumstances of others. Only God does, per their belief. Only God gets to make judgements, per oh so MANY verses in The Bible. God being the Judge, not humanity, is kinda a very big thing in The Bible.

So stopping to provide services on the belief that those receiving the services are lazy, are exploiting the services, are greedy, are sinners, are unworthy of being helped, cannot be helped, don't need the help, etc.?

All of that sounds like, to me, passing judgement and taking God's place as judge. As judging humans who these Christians do not know everything about.

I can understand there being certain cases where tough judgement calls must be made. Do you value one human you want to help over the safety of all the humans you already are helping, for instance? Of course you would want to, but it would be totally fair to say, "I can't, we don't have the ability to help you while also helping those we already are". It would arguably be irresponsible to try and help everyone while knowing you can't.

But at the same time. There's a difference between logistical realities (those are things we must acknowledge and tackle overcoming and cannot ignore),
Versus preconceived biases in notions of what can be done for humans and who can be helped.

​Jesus would lecture, disappointed, every Christian guilty of the latter, for closing the doors of their churches, because the one good use of those churches should be to serve communities. Jesus had lectures about how religion was largely something to keep between the individual and God, in that religion was deeply personal, and that the institutionalized organized churches of his time were straying from that, straying from God, by serving to succumb to corruption, to greed, to apathy. (Sound familiar? It should.)

And while I don't think churches should be abolished, I do think they should be structured in a way to avoid greed, to avoid apathy, to avoid corruption, by having them be geared to provide said 24/7 services to their community.

According to Christian lore, Jesus knew the risks going into Jerusalem, that he was going to die doing what he was to do, but he went anyway, under the belief he was going to save all of humanity by doing what he did. He faced the worst of humanity, without fear, without judging, for the sake of humanity at its best, for the sake of the parts of humanity worth saving.

Yet churches close their doors in fear of humanity's worse. Fearing looters, fearing vandals, fearing druggies, fearing the unclean, fearing the diseased, fearing the ill, fearing the deranged. And in doing so, in closing their doors to humanity's minority, in closing their doors in fear of humanity at its lowest, those churches forsake humanity at its best.

According to Christian lore, Jesus died for us, because he loved us.

Yet Christians who close their doors to their churches are unwilling to risk death out of love for humanity.

That shows why churches not open 24/7 (barring logistical impossibilities of this) are, on a fundamental level, not following in the footsteps of their alleged lord and savior. They put hours on the church for when the doors to God are open, rather than leaving God's doors open around the clock. And I bet you they do it primarily out of fear, out of prejudice, out of passing judgement on their fellow humans, despite being human.

Despite being imperfect and having imperfect knowledge of other imperfect humans, they deny continuous service to those other imperfect humans.

If I ever found a church that was organized such that it kept the lights on and doors open 24/7, offering free access to shelter, to bathrooms, then that alone might interest me in joining the church. I could never share their faith in believing Jesus is divine and the one true savior, but I would happily help them in servicing their community and serving as a beacon of spirituality and offering sanctity to all.

But to my knowledge, no Christian church like that exists. And that is perhaps one of the strongest reasons why I cannot get behind Christianity as a faith. It is quoted to cliche about how much it is said Jesus was a chill guy but his Christians are insufferable and unable to be endured. So while I can truthfully call my beliefs Christian-adjacent because of all of what Christianity almost does right, I can never follow the faith itself in proper, because Christianity as it is laid out by Christians is the foil to everything I consider spirituality to be:

An example of so many things gone close to healthy, gone close to uplifting humanity, but twisted in a way which only biases and divides as most Christians understand their doctrine.

Once again, though, I want to reiterate that I actually endorse many of the ideas of Christianity. My point in this blog isn't to purely deconstruct Christianity, tear it down and leave atheists out of previous believers, to leave doubters out of those previously holding faith. Rather, it's me doing my own reconstruction of Christianity, by calling out the parts that need to be called out, and to shine a light on the better parts of the faith.

I said previously that Jesus might not literally be the son of God, but I still see him as divine, and that remains true--because I feel like his teachings provide a great amount of insight into spirituality, into how to help humanity, how to bring humanity together, and his legacy there is undeniable. Many spiritual practices state that humans can be elevated to divinity in some form or another by their legacy, and while I personally don't ascribe to that belief, I would certainly agree with anyone who holds that belief stating Jesus more than qualified!

His life is something only those were there knew about. And those who saw, believed; those who don't but still do, are by Christian scripture, extra sacred. (Yes this was given, the Bible version was verbatim given in the lecture during Easter, although I'm obviously paraphrasing.) This history was given orally over a couple of generations, then written down in various accounts, then translated a couple of times, then some of them arbitrarily compiled, and while the true form of it was known only to those around to witness it, the fact we have at least pieces of his life over 2,000 years later is incredible.

I might have beef with the religion and all of those who identify as Christian without being much like Jesus, but I still hold a level of reverence for it, and believe there is merit in a lot of it. But for now, that's all I have to say. Happy Easter, to all who celebrate. And to those who don't, I hope you can find your own things to celebrate. I don't have the energy to reconstruct the holiday of Easter the way I have previously done on my blog for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I hope you still enjoyed the read.

And as is usually the case, that probably means I'll end up talking about each of them, but none to the level I want to, especially the later I go and the longer this takes.

I'll start with the follow-through on my last blog. It's overall worse, but at the same time, there's a reality of somehow making it through and that reality provides hope. At every stage, I feel like there's more and more setting us up for failure and less and less providing a path for success. But at the same time I still do cling to the hope my wife is right and that everything they dream of is possible.

That we can pull off a cross-country move.
That where we will live will be cheaper.
That where we live will have employment.
That where we live will allow us to finally progress in areas of our life that have remained stagnant for years.
That where we live opens up the avenue for building a future family together and starting the rest of our lives together.

After all, there's a lot going for us. For a start, my line of work is more likely to have openings because there's fewer who would qualify for and have the certificates I have, with my experience providing me an edge over other applicants.

We have tangible places to look at we know the general pricing of, which don't price us out or breed restrict us out.

We have the potential support of who knows how many others, from potential friends, family, loved ones, and maybe even coworkers.

There's the potential to maybe have transitionary housing with a relative.

We might even be able to use credit cards in this transitionary period to pay off big bills and then make gradual payments off on said cards even if it's only a small amount over time and accrues a huge level of interest.

All we need is the help getting through the door, and we would likely be good.

The hope-crushers are all getting more problematic for me to try and ignore though.

This would mean that for the second time in a row, we can't pay for the full lease of a place we're currently renting. We know the old management for our place would definitely have been willing to work with us, but at the end of last year our apartment complex was bought out by a more parasitic toxic management who is immediately violating state law in refusing to offer payment plans. Which is funny because we learned about said state law being a state law from the current lower management who helped us move in in the first place. The lower management is great and would love to offer us the accommodations we would need, but the higher up company policy overrides their sanity.

And we might not be able to meet their insane demands, despite actually desiring to pay them what they are owed. (We like our current place enough where we WANT to pay them the full amount of our lease, plus any moveout costs, plus any fines and interest that are reasonably accrued. For instance we would fight them on a charge of repainting the walls because nothing about any of the walls was damaged by us as tenants, but there's definitely some upkeep cost we would likely be responsible for.)

Moving half-way across the country loses all of the benefits of my current state. I don't think people understand just how many programs we have here that are helpful, and I genuinely believe my state offers some of the best public and semi-public and non-religious private education in the entire country across every level of education from pre-K all the way through college up to master degrees at a minimum. We'd be closing ourselves off from being eligible for state healthcare, from my state's education, from my state's culture and diversity and education and from being in one of the few places to have the ability to opt out of shopping at a big corporation like Walmart.

We would have to begin paying for things we currently receive through my parents. AAA membership and car insurance being the big ones.

We would have to somehow pull off a move of all of our stuff with me as the only driver, and to also get our car to our new place too despite my car and the rental truck likely being half the country apart.

Employment isn't a guarantee, it's just a hope--and there's no guarantee I receive gender-affirming care of any kind in a state which is less blue than Washington State would be. Not only on a social level (would I even be able to use the women's bathroom, locker room, etc.?), but on a medical level as well (here as long as you have medical insurance of just about any kind, you're eligible for all the services needed to transition pretty much for free with the maximum copay being $60 or so at the most expensive, with most cheaper ranging from free to $15 or so).

We have no protections against something going wrong. With our car for instance, or with moving vehicles.

There's less support available from family and the support available more likely to be toxic and come with conditions. I know I can rely on my family for any services they can afford to provide. They can't pay thousands per month, which is why we're in as dire a straight as we are, but they can provide a lot of help for things like food, transportation, storage, etc., all without conditions. My wife holds hopes of receiving that, but I don't think that the family in the area we would be going would be able to provide.

We would lose all of our social connections in the area and need to start over, when getting the few we have was difficult enough already. No friends in the area we would be going, and far less programs we'd be interested going to. I genuinely love going to Sapphic events and to Witches Markets. While I've gained some level of cynicism for both (Sapphic events overbook for their venues getting too crowded and provide too few protections from drunken ladies becoming too drunk to have spacial awareness aside from parking being paid; witches markets have poor parking availability, vendors outside are ridiculously cold, vendors inside don't allow dogs, and a lot of the vendors don't feel properly vetted), I genuinely love both and they have provided me enrichment and fulfillment in my life that I never thought possible going out in public.

Where am I going to get that in a place with far fewer people and far less diversity and far fewer outside of the cult of Christianity? There's probably still LGBTQIA+ events a plenty to be found, but would there be Sapphic events specifically? I doubt there's enough sapphics to generate the demand for monthly events the way we have an overabundance of Sapphics here. (Demographically we have a disproportionately high number of queer femme-presenting people here, our state is probably one of the top five in terms of queer ladies being openly queer.)

And even if there is...what would there be in terms of witchy events? Maybe, maybe, there would be some form of yearly market that is witchy-adjacent. Here we have a nerdy market which is technically focused on nerdy oddities particularly focused on Dungeons and Dragons and D&D-adjacent topics, which runs four or so times a year, and has a good 60 - 80% of the same vendors as the eight yearly witch markets.

And here we also have gothic markets covering darker things, loosely of the edgy hail-satan variety, but not really. The type of market covering metal music, and emo music, and similar genres, black clothing and lipstick and makeup and all types of things with spikes, bones, and similar.

And here we also have krampus markets, similar to the above.

Between the three of those, nerdy D&D-adjacent markets, gothic markets, and krampus markets, there's probably one or two that would run at least once a year...but I would be shocked to find witches markets for all eight witch events anywhere outside of where we live right now because as far as I know...the pacific northwest is the only place in the country with the level of diversity and cultural identity to have the level of demand to fuel these events being run rain or shine year-round.

Basically, as far as I'm concerned, in terms of cultural identity, social acceptance, in basically every way except for the cost of living, we already live in the best place in the entire United States for queer disabled neurodivergent witches. We live in a place where queer folk, disabled people, neurodivergent folk, and witches, are all at a level of unusually high percentage of the population. Anywhere else in the country isn't going to have the same amount of "our people" locally, at least not as openly so.

We have no real plan to get all of our stuff moved. We have only the hopes of it being cheaper and the cost of living actually being reduced lower than the increased amount of things we'll have to pay for and the likely decrease in comparable pay.

All of that is building up to be a weight because I'm on the verge of receiving all of the care I need here. I'm going to physical therapy and making huge strides in not being in constant pain. I qualify for behavioral health being given to me. My depression could get proper medication, as could my ADHD, and I have the access to medication for my disabilities, and I have access to HRT. I lose all of that when not here.

And those took me years to get, here, in the place considered one of the easiest in the country. How long would it take for me to get them in a place less queer-friendly, less neurodivergent-friendly, less disability-friendly?

My depression is getting to the point where with all of my anxieties, with all of the pressures, with all of the weights of the bills we're liable for and responsible for, with all of what we are likely to be dealing with...I'm just feeling hopeless and defeated.

I'm at the point where I feel like I am the obligatory sibling who never amounts to anything and is a total failure in any family of four or more kids. It's to the point where I feel bad enough where I've contemplated ending my life for only the fourth time in my entire life and only the third time since I got with my wife, for the third time since July 2023. (The other two being December 2023 and then around June 2024 if I recall correctly.)

Now, to be clear, I'm not actually suicidal, yet. If I were at risk, you'd know. I'll say that the best way for you to keep an eye on it is that my enemies should really be praying for my success and not my downfall because if I do go down I'm not going quietly into the night. I'm not going to be radio silent and then end my life. If I go down I go down swinging and will mince no words about any of the traumas, any of the abuses, any of the injustices, I've faced, my wife has faced, etc.

I've held back from ever lashing out like that because at the end of the day, as long as I have a hope for living a life, I don't want to live a life with hate. So if I succumb to hate, if I succumb to lashing out, then you'll know that I'm close, because if I am going to air out every secret I have, it's only because I don't want those weights to drag me down in whatever comes after my current life.

Again, why I say my enemies should be praying for my success, because I know enough to take them down with me and the only reason I don't take them down already is because I don't want to. As long as I have a hope for a future, I will never want to. But if they pray for my failure, and then it turns out I do indeed fail and lose my last reason for living...then they're gonna find out the hard way why they should've been wishing me well because the things I know are things I would be willing to go to the grave with if I live a long life but aren't things I'm gonna let be left unsaid and secret if my life were to end early.

Now, granted. I use the term "enemies" here mostly to invoke the stock phrase of enemies wishing success. I forget the exact phrase at the moment, but you probably know it well enough. I personally am of the Vinland Saga of "no person has any enemies". As I said in my last blog post, I'm slowly becoming the worst version of myself, the version of myself I least want to be. And that's the version which would retaliate against people who I know aren't bad, by and large, and deserve to live their own lives of prosperity. The worst version of myself would forget that.

But the me that I am, the me that is the best of myself and my life, believes that most humans are good, and that very few people deserve to be condemned. I believe in us all sharing a lot of the same desires in life and being owed the chance to pursue those things.

I believe in building people up rather than tearing people down. That to find common connection and to find the ability to empathize with each other and help each other is far better a life and future than a life where we're dunking on people for their worst sides and excluding them for their shortcomings. A life filled with joy and with awe and with passion is one far more fulfilling than a life filled with paranoia about the people you know secretly being terrible, more fulfilling than a life tearing down those around you, than a life of hatred and dividing and excluding those who don't meet the standards set.

I have this belief that "childlike awe, childlike wonder, childlike joy, childlike idealism, childlike passion", are not in fact traits of children but rather innately the inherent nature of humanity. That what makes humans be humans is that we have a natural innate awe and wonder of the world around us, we have an innate desire for the joys of both laughter and happiness, that we have an innately positive view of the future and of the world around us and of others, and that creativity is arguably the most human thing which is human above all else.

And that any association with those things being childlike is an artificially enforced view by an artificially built modern society that encourages conformity over individuality, but also selfishness over community, when it should be individuality over conformity and community over selfishness.

Yet despite how strong I am...I'm not so strong as to hold these beliefs so strongly I would rather die for them wordlessly, silently, in a young age. The pressures of society are enough, I know, to break me, and while in my better moments I believe all of the above...in my worst moments the amount of pain and suffering I've lived through on a daily basis is enough where I know I would lash out in hate, in bitterness, in despair, in destruction.

It takes years to build what can be destroyed in seconds. While that makes the efforts to build all the more sacred, all the more precious, all the more things we can and should appreciate for lasting as long as they do...that destruction is something I actively have to suppress, because the worst mistakes in my life and the fuel for the things I need the most therapy for are from not having been strong enough to prevent from lashing out as I did.

All of the lost friendships.
All of the burnt bridges.
All of the things I destroyed from anger, from desperation, from apathy, from asking too much and giving too little.

That's what I don't want to continue to be. And you'll know I've given up on life if I give up on not being those things and actively am throwing them away--and I'm dangerously close. I'm dangerously withdrawn. I'm in far less spaces than I was last year. Ever since January, I've been shrinking myself to be less and less out-there, to the point where I've stopped being involved with many of my closest friends.

I've stopped providing daily check-ins.
I've stopped talking to friends.
I've stopped coming to streams.
I've stopped keeping up to date on discords.
I've stopped visiting websites I've had as a core part of my life since I was 13 years old despite my age now being a flip of those two numbers. (31 going on 33, because I haven't felt like the last year has had anything really noting me as having a birth.)

I've largely lost my passion for games, given up entirely on content creation and streaming, and while my passion for writing was recently reignited...it chose the worst possible time with me unable to really put any time or energy into nurturing it. Most of what I'm passionate about right now is organizing my notes and making them more coherent, connected, and consistent. All of which there's secretly an ulterior motive for, in that it's also one of those suicidal ideations, where I have this idea that if I were to note every aspect of my work then it would be okay for me to not make it if it were released publicly in a way anyone could follow and make.

Now, I know better from experience. ComicFuryians literally lost one of their most beloved members to a suicide where the person gave up on life, released their work, and took their life. To this day, nobody as far as I know has continued their work and nobody likely ever will. I am the only one who actually will make my work and logically I know that. But suicide is never logical and illogically, it feels more okay to have my life end if I have the potential of a legacy after, and releasing my work in a way where anyone could pick it up fuels that.

Butstill. At the end of the day, that wasn't what fueled the reignited passion. In fact, quite the opposite. It was me just...wanting to. To have this pure passion, this unbridled joy to share my work with the world, reignited. I had a fire lit under me to show what the world of farn is really like, and I want to share it with everyone, in full, which is something requiring me to be there to work on it.

So that's one of the few things keeping me alive right now, and it's something hard to keep. I've been creating stories and ideas and games and such since I was 13. To date, nearly 20 years later, none have been realized, because I can never see them through.

​And I do have a lot of ideas.

My most recent idea, which is both kinda political but also kinda not, is that I think websites should stop being lazy with their filters for content in terms of age being largely a binary setting tied to maturity, and that for all content filters it shouldn't be a strict binary but rather a sort of slider, which both posters/creators can set appropriately and readers/viewers can filter for also appropriately.

As I see it, this should be a universal thing for websites, because it would also help create further protections for children.

"I never make content with a target audience of children", "I very rarely make content with a target audience of children", "I only sometimes make content with a target audience of children", "I make content with a target audience of children about half of the time", "I often make content with the target audience of children", "my content is near-exclusively targeted towards an audience of children", or "all of my content without exception is targeted towards children".

A filter would then be for what is defined as children. "12 and below", "14 and below", "17 and below", or "20 and below".

Set that as the first setting. "I never make content with a target audience of children" would automatically skip the following filters based on mixed audience targeting in favor of focusing exclusively on more mature ones, whereas "all of my content without exception is targeted towards children" would automatically skip every mature/adult filter. Those filters would note why they are disabled by the above.

From there, the next filter would be:
"None of my content is suitable for all ages; all of my content is inherently 18+ and for mature audiences", "I very rarely make content suitable for all ages; the majority of my content is inherently 18+ and mature in nature", "I only sometimes make content suitable for all ages; most of my content is 18+ and mature", "about half of my content is suitable for all ages; I don't try to be mature but don't shy away from 18+ material", "I often make content suitable for all ages; the majority of my content is not mature, but I have occasional 18+ material", and "all of my content is designed to be suitable for all ages; I never have mature or 18+ material in my content".

There would likely be a similar filter for the maturity range of the content. "My content is 18+", "My content is 21+", "My content is late 20s and above", "my content is young 30s and above", "my content is 36+ and above", "my content is 40+".

Similarly, "none of my content is suitable for all ages" and "all of my content is designed to be suitable for all ages" would disable most of the following filters by and large, with the disabled filters explaining why they're disabled.

"I am an adult whose content involves adult material at all times", "I am an adult who frequently covers adult material", "I am an adult who often covers adult material", "I am an adult and about half of material I cover is adult in nature", "I am an adult and some of the times I cover adult material, but it's not my focus", "I am an adult, but I never cover adult material", and "I am not currently an adult", or something approximately close to that.

There would also be a filter for definition of adult. 18+, 21+, late-20s, early-30s, late-30s, and 40+, potentially both for the age of the individual and for their target audience. There might need to be an option for "my material has aged as I have".

Obviously children, as well as those selecting that they never cover adult material, would be locked out of describing the filters for various types of adult material, and this would be a list of trigger warnings and essentially how often they are shown.

Nudity: "I show full-frontal nudity, including sexual acts", "I show full-frontal nudity, but no explicit sex", "I show breasts and butts, but any lower frontal nudity is partially censored", "I show breasts and butts, but lower frontal nudity is heavily covered or censored", "I show butts, and heavily suggestive near-nudity, but full nudity is avoided or partially censored", "I show butts, but heavily suggestive nudity is avoided or heavily censored", "I don't show full nudity, but lewd body parts may be prominently featured and/or near-nudity is displayed and/or nudity is heavily implied", "I don't show full nudity or near-nudity, but lewd body parts may be prominently featured", "I don't show full nudity or prominently focus on lewd body parts, but near-nudity may be present", "I don't show full nudity or focus on lewd body parts, but nudity might be implied", and then at the SFW end, "I don't show or imply nudity, near-nudity, or prominently display lewdness".

Maybe breaking the above into two filters, one for nudity and one for lewdness.

Sexual content: "I show sexual content, including explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, including implied explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, but don't show explicit sexual acts", "I show sexual content, but it is limited to lewdness and kissing", "I show sexual content, but it is limited to lewdness", "I don't show sexual content". This one I had a better version of in my head, I'm running out of momentum on how to explain it.

Adult topics: "I always talk about adult topics and themes", "I almost always talk about adult topics and themes", "I frequently talk about adult topics and themes", "I talk about adult topics and themes about half of the time", "I talk about adult topics and themes occasionally", "I on some rare occasions will talk about adult topics and themes", or "I never talk about adult topics and themes". 

This would probably have subcategories for what constitutes adult topics.

Always/almost always/frequently/about half/occasionally/rarely/never for:
Death,
Depression,
War,
Genocide,
Abuse,
Finances and Employment,
Living Conditions and Situations,
Food Struggles,
Life Skills,
General Darker Themes,

Probably more, I can't think of everything which would constitute an adult topic.

Violence would require at least two filters. The first:
"I exclusively focus on violent content", "I heavily feature violent content", "I frequently feature violent content", "I often feature violent content", "I feature violent content about half of the time", "I feature violent content sometimes", "I feature violent content on rare occasions", or "I never feature violent content". This filter would mention that it explicitly ties into any of the sub-filters.

The one I can think of being,
"I show the most gruesome form of violence including extreme gore", "I show heavily bloody content, including some light levels of gore" "I show heavily bloody content, but avoid gore", "I show bloody violence, but avoid extremely realistic and/or over the top levels of blood and violence", "I show bloody violence, but stylized and/or in moderation", "I show violence, but avoid extremely bloody content regardless of how stylized it is", "I show some blood through violence in weapons and fighting", "I show violence in weapons and fighting, but blood is kept minimal or nonexistent", "I show weapons and fighting with minimal extreme violence", "I show weapons and fighting but there's no violence", and at the lowest end, "I occasionally show weapons being displayed and discussed but never used and/or I occasionally show characters hitting other things".

Or something to that effect.

​To give an idea of how these filters would apply to, say, my blog?

I never make content with a target audience of children.
Arguably (and what I would do for safety), none of my content is suitable for all ages; all of my content is mature and inherently 18+.
Similarly, I am an adult whose content involves adult material at all times--even my earliest 2014 blogs were made after I was already an adult, albeit a very young one.

As such, my content is aimed at 21+ adults at minimum, with the content aging as I have. This blog is not designed for young-20s anymore, but the earlier 2014 entries were. I don't know what the minimum age for current blog entries would be, but it ain't 18-year-olds, I can confidently say that much at minimum. You could say anything 21+ is okay, my personal definition is usually "if you were born after 9/11 you're probably too young to be here", but you could go up to saying the youngest allowed age would be my wife and anyone younger is too inexperienced to really be dealing with the heavy topics my blog has delved into at times.

I never show nudity, and very rarely do I talk about nudity, but I do talk about kinks and lewdness on occasion (probably need to refine the filters for that).

I am extremely lewd, with lewdness almost always mentioned (deez nuts and hardly know her jokes in particular but also pickup lines a plenty and innuendos of all kinds), so sexual content isn't shied away from whatsoever.

I almost always am talking about adult themes and topics.

​Literally all of them have those themes, in heavy levels.

I feature violent content sometimes.
But it's in moderation, with me not going into gruesomely detailed versions of things, I'd say.

Then from the perspective of a viewer/reader, you would have filters.

First being selected age range.
"I am currently considered a child", with filters for "12 and under", "13 - 15", "16 - 17", "18 - 20". This would lock the user out of the majority of content regardless of selection, but based on the filters of the creators of content it would have some more available. (For many websites, arguably 12 and under being selected should auto-ban the account.)

"I am an adult", with filters for "18 - 20", "21 - 25", "26 - 29", "30 - 35", "36 - 39", and "40+". This would lock the user out of content which their age range makes them ineligible to view. Namely it would lock them out of content exclusively made for children and content heavily targeting children, as well as content they are too young for.

I think that mandating filters of this sort to be implemented on all sites offering content would make the internet a safer place for everyone. Does it stop people from lying? No. Does it stop people from misapplying filters? Not entirely, but these would be things that people would try their best at, with small misapplications corrected and punishments only for those who are wholly and entirely in very obviously extremely wrong classifications.

You might not know the difference between some violence and moderate violence, but if you're showing extreme violence with a filter set to showing almost no violence, you know your filter isn't properly applied.

These might be somewhat variable in being applied to specific content or to the account or to both, depending on the medium. Artists for instance might have filters for their content in general, but specific pieces might have filters that are different from their general filter. Streamers might have some filters for things that change, but likely less things change stream to stream than for an artist piece to piece. Posting on social media is something that likely wouldn't be viable to set most filters for most posts, so that would rely heavily on the profile filtering.

The specifics there are less important than their existence in general existing.

And this was my latest idea.

The third thing I wanted to talk about is religion, specifically how I believe that Christianity is arguably the only false religion in the world and arguably the only one to not be intrinsically tied to specific cultures, but also going into why many of the beliefs of Christianity are arguably applicable to nearly any culture and any religion and any belief system despite the religion being invalid.

But I don't think I have the energy to cover that in detail.

What I'll say there is basically that to accept the path of Christianity as valid requires first a belief that Christianity is not put on a pedestal above any other mythology. From the onset, the idea of "God" and Angels should be taken as no more real than Zeus and the Olympian pantheon, Odin and the Aesir and such from Norse mythology, Ra and the Egyptian pantheon, etc. You get the idea.

There should be the understanding that the universe wasn't made in 7 days, that evolution is real and there was never a real Adam or a real Eve, that there was never a Noah's Arc that contained literally the entirety of all life on earth in pairs of two, you get the idea. Science comes first, and that includes things like a virgin birth and the parting of a sea and the presence of mythological divine plagues and divinely striking down enemies and instantly vaporizing those who touch an artifact.

These should be considered as having the same basis in historical fact as any other piece of mythology from any other culture, in that whatever truth there may be behind these accounts has been heavily filtered by the mythology of numerous isolated cultures through countless generations of oral tradition that changed the tales and were eventually attempted to be written down long after they happened and were attempted to be unified even longer after they were written.

That in the same way there's no unified singular Greek Mythology or Egyptian Mythology or Norse Mythology with the mythologies of them being from countless different cities/tribes/etc. told over centuries or even millenia, the stories told throughout Christian lore are from countless different groups over a period over a thousand years, and as such, they have the same level of variance with there being no one singular truth above all others.

And that also, there needs to be a viewing of things as they would have been seen at the time, not as we have reimagined them over the millenia, before we can truly apply a modern lens on those ideologies. Jesus was understood to be a Jewish man (a man of color), and while it can safely be assumed he genuinely thought himself to be a man of reform, a man divinely inspired by God to reform the Jewish people, Jesus did not view himself as being born from a virgin. Jesus did not view himself as having mythical origins as being literally born from a supreme deity.

The phrase "Son Of God" was, in the historical context of the time, seen as a phrase for one enlightened by God, more or less. Someone with divine inspiration and backing. It was applied to all prophets from my understanding, not specifically Jesus and Jesus alone above all others being just Jesus. It was understood to not be an indicator of literally being the child of a divine being, of not literally being fathered by a divine being, of having no mortal father and only a divine one, but rather to be in the metaphorical sense of being divinely chosen to be divinely empowered to have a divine fervor, divine favor, divine spark, to be divinely empowered to deliver divine messages and miracles.

That Christianity culturally appropriated YHWH, the God of the Jews, and artificially elevated YHWH to be a supreme deity that is omnipowerful and omnipresent in ways that YHWH is always displayed in Jewish material as not actually being, because YHWH was The God Of The Jews, with The Jews as YHWH's chosen people, the two intrinsically being linked with a symbiotic relationship.

That even in the time of Moses, it was understood that other gods were as real as YHWH, but that YHWH had power over The Jewish People, and that YHWH's power over The Jewish People allowed YHWH to be more powerful than those other gods in service of The Jewish People, but that YHWH's domain was not so absolute as to totally trump those other gods. That those other gods were not in fact demons in disguise, but were in fact genuinely gods and recognized as such.

Including how witches were at one point consulted as mediums, in ways which no servant of YHWH was willing or capable of providing, meaning that explicitly there were limits both on YHWH's power and scope of knowledge and reach and ability.

That there is in fact no unified message or truth in The Bible because it is filled with contradictions.
Lucifer/Satan/The Devil (not even really named as such as we tend to think of) could never have successfully led a rebellion against an all-powerful all-knowing supreme true ruler, because by virtue of being all-knowing and all-powerful, God would be able to know of this plan in advance and instantly quash the rebellion before it began.

This would also require God to have known Lucifer/Satan/The Devil would create this evil, and willingly let it happen. God would have created Lucifer/Satan/The Devil knowing Lucifer/Satan/The Devil would create evil in rebelling against God, and God still made Lucifer/Satan/The Devil knowing this and let it happen without either stopping it or discouraging it or preventing it.

There's contradictory narratives about how humanity was given free will by Adam and Eve eating from the fruit of knowledge and by virtue of being the only creatures with souls being the only ones with free will, and how Lucifer/Satan/The Devil and a third of all angels rebelled against God. If they had no free will, then that would mean God literally designed them to become evil in a deliberately designed failed rebellion.

God would know Adam and Eve would have chosen to take the forbidden fruit, yet still commanded them not to, despite knowing they would violate the command.

God would have known everything was going to happen, and yet still have created those circumstances and let them happen, despite being supremely powerful and able to stop these things by virtue of being supremely knowledgeable about all that would happen.

These actions make zero sense under a God that is actually all-powerful and all-known as is Christian doctrine, but are perfectly in-line with depictions of deities that are extremely powerful and knowing but not quite all-powerful and all-knowing, akin to Odin from Norse mythology.

It is commonplace in many cultures for a deity to rebel, to resist, to kill, to fight, another deity in their lore, to varying degrees of success. In Greek lore Zeus was the THIRD-generation ruler. Not second, that'd be his father Kronus (might have spelling there wrong, but not to be confused with Chronos, they were two different titans I'm pretty sure but are often combined to be one), and not first, that'd be a deity I don't remember the Greek version of but I think the Roman name for that first-generation ruler is Uranus.

If memory serves, Uranus + Gaia produced the titans including Kronus and Rhea (by the way a big part of many mythologies people tend to forget is that literally almost every religion is heavily laced in inherent incest), and Kronus and Rhea then produced the next generation of Gods (both Olympian and those of the Underworld which I forget the exact term for), including Zeus. Just as Kronus and Rhea and the titans overthrew his father, Zeus and the Gods overthrew Kronus and the titans.

In Egyptian mythology you've got the struggle of Sett after murdering Osiris with Osiris's son (whose name I can't remember at this exact moment).

In eastern culture you've got some arrogant rebellion in the form of things like Sun Wukong.

And so on and so forth. Across countless cultures and religions, you've got tales of rebelling against the divine, to various levels of success. In terms of Jewish folklore, it would make total sense for a failed rebellion of a servant of their Jewish God to take place, because with said Jewish God not being all-powerful or all-knowing, the rebellion stood at least a chance of succeeding. With a third of all angels being involved, it was a genuine threat and one that almost was victorious, because of how close the two sides were in power.

But that doesn't work if God is all-knowing and all-powerful because that would mean that Lucifer/Satan/The Devil, knowing that God is all-knowing and all-powerful, deliberately entered a rebellion against God, knowing God knew about it and knowing God could end it at any time by virtue of being all-powerful. And that also only works if Lucifer/Satan/The Devil shares the gift of free will with humanity, because without the free will to rebel in the first place, then it wouldn't be rebellion; it would be a divine command from God.

In short, in order for Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to have rebelled, it either requires Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to have free will and a third of all angels also had free will to join (in which case, free will is not in fact unique to humanity), or if they lack free will then God literally designed Lucifer/Satan/The Devil to rebel and a third of angels to join, because that was God's plan, meaning God by virtue of programming them to do what they did would be the one who created those evils in the first place.

The entire mythology doesn't hold up to scrutiny, either scientifically or as a continuous narrative. It is filled with hole after hole, and even someone as casual as me can point these out. Christianity for two thousand years has spun narrative after narrative to justify these contradictions, rather than just admitting that they are contradictions. Or when they do admit there's contradictions, they pick and choose which parts to follow.

Any religion which you have to pick and choose which parts to follow could not be that of an all-knowing all-powerful God, and that requirement to pick and choose which parts to follow demonstrates why the religion is built on a temple of lies, inconsistency, and fabrications that people blindly believe to be truth despite their logical and rational brains being capable of noting how this shouldn't make sense.

But I'm not covering this in the detail I wanted to. In short I wanted to both deconstruct the flaws behind Christianity, while also rebuilding the strengths of it.

Jesus was against organized institutionalized religion because he knew the harm to come from it. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus believed religion should largely be a personal practice kept to an individual, private. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus was against deification of humans, because he knew the harm to come from it. A good belief to hold true to.
Jesus was against hoarding of material wealth, because he knew how pointless it was. A good belief to hold true to.

Jesus preached about how what we do to everyone is what we do to God (you all know the full verse for this). How we treat others is reflective of how God will judge, essentially. That means treating to the poor and needy, showing empathy, etc., are all good things to do, and that's a good belief to hold true to.

Jesus was a pacifist, teaching nonviolent resistance, but 'nonviolence' was defined as not hurting others, with him perfectly willing to flip tables and cause property destruction and damage so long as no humans were harmed. A good philosophy to ascribe to.

Jesus preached love, empathy, and forgiveness, pointing out humanity is inherently imperfect. Nobody is without sin, nobody is without their faults and flaws. A good philosophy to live by.

And so on and so forth.

Christianity also has an excellent grasp on many spiritual practices, which have been adapted by the religion over the centuries, including an understanding of what many in the witchcraft community believe to be an understanding of the nature of "the universe", our role in it, and what follows after we die.

There's certain interpretations of Christian scripture which portray 'Heaven' and 'God' as one and the same, a state of everything everywhere all at once. Everything that ever was, ever could have been, ever will be, ever could, all existing simultaneously in one space happening all at once, and that we reach our highest self by joining with that whereas we experience 'Hell' by rejection of it, and punish ourselves.

And there's many other examples on how Christianity touches on many good spiritual practices.

But the religion itself is arguably built on cultural appropriation and the only religion to have been built without an existing culture it is inherently innately integrated with. (I would argue that even Islam, a religion which took from Christianity, is inherently tied to the Arab people at the time of Mohamed. Although by that logic it might also be possible to argue that certain branches of Christianity, such as the Eastern Orthodox version, do have the culture of their people integrated within. I'm not too concerned with defending my argument since my argument is mostly a combination of clickbait and a thought experiment more than it is a viewpoint I really want to defend. It's mostly a way to engage in the subject rather than a core belief if that makes sense.)

That makes it one of the religions easiest to apply to everyday life and widely broadly giving it appeal to billions across the globe even in this age of skepticism and science.

But it also makes it a religion fraught with issues from the get-go. The Bible was made 400 years after Jesus by a council arbitrarily deciding what to include. The books included were all written 60 - 120+ years after Jesus lived, and translated numerous times. That's a lot of men involved and no proof of divine, yet there are far too many who to this day still believe The Bible to be the Word Of God, despite their bibles being translated and transcribed numerous times and compiled and recompiled by men who had an agenda fueling their decisions.

So I do wanna delve into how to deconstruct the religion and why I do believe it's possible to reconstruct it. I personally don't follow Christianity, since I am very much a witch believing in no specific religion but with my brand of spirituality pooling from my own experiences, beliefs, and what resonates with me from numerous cultures and research, but a lot of my beliefs are Christianity-adjacent so I have an interest in showing how while the text of Christianity doesn't hold, part of the spirit in the most important messages does.

Jesus might have just been a man, but he left a legacy that could arguably be called divine, and I would love to delve into it more.

But alas.

For now, that's it. I've been writing this blog for five hours. The first subject about me, I covered pretty well. The second about my idea of reform for a better internet, kinda got across. The third about religion...didn't really get done, but I've done my best to at least touch on the subject, with the hope of doing more some other time.

​Thanks for reading.

This is something I've been wanting to do for years, on again off again, but rarely do I get the chance to actually follow through.

This was spawned by me doing some research for my novel, and part of that research involved reading a lot about Biblical stuff, and concepts like Lucifer, Satan, etc. (All of this for largely background lore I don't strictly need, although in this case it's slightly more needed because I am technically working on defining an ability of the protagonist Vee, so it's got relevancy.)

The first disclaimer I want to give; my beliefs are always ever-evolving. My understanding of the world is always changing. This will not be my final belief system, not even remotely.

The second disclaimer I want to give; I don't explain things very well. I might explain a concept you actually agree with, but my explanation is so bad that it makes you disagree with it because I am so bad at explaining it. A lot of what I believe in is stuff that if I were able to properly explain it, I think a lot of people would actually believe in, in some form or another.

And the third disclaimer I want to give; this is just my personal belief, that ever-evolving, poorly-explained belief. It is something I personally believe, but I would never push this belief on others. I will share it, I will discuss it, but mostly because I am actually looking for other perspectives. My perspective is mine alone and is limited to my own knowledge and ways of looking at the world. Others will differ, and fundamental in my belief is a need to incorporate the beliefs of others, because they have perspective and knowledge I lack.

So with that said, a loose outline of my belief system;

Loosely speaking, I believe that 'God' and 'Heaven' are one and the same. That at the highest level of existence, all entities are one collective entity combined, outside of time, space, reality. At this highest level, this level of existence sees everything that ever was, everything that ever could have been, everything that is, and everything that could be. Sees every universe that exists and every universe that could exist and every universe that could have existed. All that has ever been, all that ever could be, all that ever will be, all exist together in this form, collective, but also still containing a level of individuality. Basically a hive mind, one unified being, but also made up of all beings that ever exist in any reality.

It's important at this point to bring up those universes, and the nature of the illusion of time and space, so I'm gonna talk about 'destiny' and 'fate' here.
There's two terms in relation to universes:
"Every universe which could exist from the current point in time", what COULD happen in 'the future',
And,
"What universe will exist from the current universe in time", what WILL happen in 'the future'.

It's important to note that everything that could happen, does happen in a universe, but every universe has a version where things did happen. So the former is basically all of the possibilities viewed before they could happen (or looked at after the fact); the latter is basically what in the current universe actually did happen (looked at after the fact, even if it's thought of as before).

In this sense, the future is both mutable and subject to change, but also set in stone, and has already happened.

Because what you can do is many things, but what you will do is only one thing.
You do one thing in every universe, just a different one thing in those different universes. So you do everything across all the universes, but you do one thing in any one universe.

For these two concepts, what can be done and what will be done, you use the terms destiny and fate.
They are not interchangeable, and which concept you tie to which word is totally arbitrary, the important thing is to be consistent in your application of which concept has which word.
If you say what will happen is fate, always stick to fate being what will happen;
If you say what will happen is destiny, always stick to destiny being what will happen;
Never use what will happen to occasionally be fate and occasionally be destiny.

In recent times, thanks to the influence of TVTropes (although in older times, I had these as vice-versa--again, my belief system is ever-evolving!), the way I tie the concepts to the words is,

I call "what will happen" as 'fate', because of the Trope "You Can't Fight Fate". Fate is what will happen in the current universe.
I call "what could happen" as 'destiny', because of the Trope "Winds of Destiny, Change". Destiny is what could happen.

Notably, we cannot consciously change which universe we are in. We can consciously control our destiny, because we can control what we could do, but what we end up doing is always set in stone. However, I've come to the belief that subconsciously, a lot of us do forms of timeline hopping, where we go from one universe where something was set to happen to a different universe where a different thing is set to happen. But I digress.

I wanted to talk about Fate and Destiny, because it's important to understand by my belief, 'God'/'Heaven' exists able to view both, as this state of being is above both, is everything. And in this state, there is both a level of inherent empathy and also apathy towards what happens in the lower levels of existence. Because everything is going to happen, there's not much use in trying to influence the lower levels of existence, but there is a level of "that really sucked"/"this should happen in less universes"/etc. to those experiences.

There is simultaneously an understanding that no amount of intervention will prevent at least one universe from taking the sucky path, while also an understanding that the sucky path sucks, and should be as few universes as possible.

Because this level of existence is every experience possible, it inherently has a level of love, care, and understanding. Having experienced all of the pain and suffering of every possible person, it knows the profound level of harm to come from lives lived under the pain of harsh lives...but it also knows the intense level of joy, of creativity, of passion, of all the good and positive from lives lived while bound by existence.

And having seen both the bad and the good, this naturally biases existence towards a net drive to influence Destiny to be the better paths whenever possible. In short, basically all entities that exist on lower levels of existence, including humans, are naturally biased towards trying to do 'good'. What is 'good' is hard to define, but loosely, it involves showing care, compassion, love, empathy, understanding, and learning from others that exist, to provide assistance to them, and to help the future be better than the present.

​I believe humans evolved living by those standards, the standards of a community. Where we would help others, where we would support others. People would pursue what they most wanted and do what they thought they were best suited to do, and receive support from their community to cover their weaknesses. No human can be good at everything, but all humans can be at least good enough at enough things that in a community, you can cover the bases where anyone weak at something can get the help of a human who is good at that something. Covering each others' weaknesses with each others' strengths.

​They built towards a future better for their community, by helping support each other and set up for success, because of an innate inherent drive to show compassion and care to each other, and a drive to build a better future for those yet to be born.

​But I digress. 

Below this Heaven/God is various levels of entities in various forms of existence on various levels of understanding and knowledge about Fate/Destiny and such.

Here is where my understanding is at its weakest.
I'll say fuck the idea of angels/archangels being higher than pagan deities/gods/entities. That's repackaged Christian bullshit.

I vaguely believe that deities/gods/entities/angels as we know them are all different names for the same thing, entities that exist on a higher level than our own world, but lower than the afterlife of 'Heaven'/God. (By the way I use the terms Heaven and God out of convenience. It's easy to understand, but not something I actually prefer.) Connected to both.

It's important to recognize there's numerous levels, but I don't know what those levels are precisely.

I will say this; those entities at all levels can and do exist in lower levels too, but largely by choice. Connection to higher self is something which can be damaged by baggage but never truly severed entirely, whereas connection to lower self is something always there and chosen to experience, loosely speaking.

​I believe deities can and do frequently incarnate as humans. That these deities, these entities, these higher selves, frequently exist as humanity. 

Every human ever has multiple levels of existence, essentially. And these humans receive guidance from both their own higher selves and the higher self of others--guides, if you will.

Some can see all possible worlds, some can see what the current possible world is, some can see both, some can see neither.

And they try to guide every human to the best version of themselves and their communities.

I'm a little tired so I can't really complete this, but loosely, people have a high degree of agency and choice, and guides try to guide that agency towards futures better for both the person and the community and the people to follow.

People can be whoever they want to be, but some choices are better in some ways than other choices.

This is not nearly all of the belief, but it is as much as I have the energy to convey today.

I hope this, despite being incomplete, is entertaining and engaging and not offensive. Hopefully I can talk about my beliefs and how they retain to our actions and communities and such more next time.

To be technical, it was a dream after I had woken up for the morning, work was canceled due to the snow, and then I went back to bed, so it's more like a dream this morning.

But this was no ordinary occurrence.

I had a dream that felt real. And more than that, it felt like I was viewing flashes in time. Memories sent to my past self, from my future, but like memories often are, not in chronological order.

The first I saw was of me and my wife, Kelsey, raising a daughter. (One I felt had a name starting with A and at least one more a in it, and which felt like it was primarily softer sounds rather than mostly harder ones.) I saw her as a young girl, somewhere in the age range of 4 - 9, and we were raising her in a relatively large space.

The second I saw was of her, now a young adult, visiting us with her own daughter (our granddaughter), around the same age range of 4 - 9. What initially confused me was that she was visiting us in a smaller space than the one she was raised in, but it was still her and she was still visiting us.

Then I saw a vision of us buying what felt like a mansion--a place large enough to raise our infant (she was appearing as a baby less than 2 years old, felt less than a year old) and to let Parker, our puppy that we just got, run free. (Oh yeah I haven't blogged in nearly a month, so I forgot to share the news in a blog. kels and I have a puppy now! He's a 4 month old white Shepherd mix. We don't know more yet.) We somehow managed to get a place for the both of them.

And then I got a vision of us, after our daughter was an adult, going back to a smaller residence, it felt like an apartment. It wasn't something we needed to do, but for whatever reason we wanted to.

And it felt so real.

I shared it to my wife, thinking it important...

...And then I was blown away to learn...

Kels had nearly the exact same dream.

kels had seen us raising our daughter.
kels had seen us having a larger house.
And kels had even seen us making the decision to downsize.

We had nearly the exact same dream at the exact same time.

That feels like it can't be coincidence.

Like...obviously, there's no guarantee that what we saw will come to pass. This felt like it wasn't a vision of an alternate reality, it felt like it was a premonition of what's to come in this one, but at the same time, the future is fluid. What happens isn't set in stone. So there's no guarantee this will be a life we live.

But at the same time?

...I want that vision to come true.

I want to make what we saw come to pass.

I don't know how we'll pull it off.
Every step of the way is uncertain. How we'll raise a daughter (method of getting a daughter), how we'll get the funds to procure a place for her, how we'll make all of it happen.

But...I want that future. And kels does, too.
And that has given me a whole lot of hope for the future, too--if it's a future we currently hold the power to make, then it is a future that is worth living in and raising a child in, where that child may choose to have a child of her own. 

I don't know how we'll pull it off--but having seen this future so vividly and clearly, with my wife having seen it too, and both of us wanting to make it happen, we'll find a way. We have to.

I'm not giving up on that future, on having a family we raise. What we saw felt like it was a gentle nudge, a reminder, of the lives we want to live. And it doesn't need to be perfect, it doesn't need to be exactly as we saw, but, I believe if we take actions in pursuit of that future, it will happen.

We're facing overwhelming challenges. Illegally high rent, medical insurance exploitation, health issues, work issues, car issues, and more ugly surprises at every turn. It's not going to be given to us, and would be easy to be taken away from us. We need to not only take action, but also prevent those which close off that future.

But, I believe in that future, and want it. How we'll get there, we're still figuring out. But it is a future worth fighting for.

Last year, I made a resolution to spread joy and positivity. It was enhanced by a witchy burn ritual.

I succeeded.

Pretty brilliantly, at that.

I don't like to brag, to show ego, to be arrogant. But at the same time, I know objectively, by every possible metric, I succeeded. I did it. Really really well, at that. The number of people who have told me I did gives an overwhelming amount of evidence that, yes, despite any self-doubt, despite any of my imposter syndrome, despite any of my thoughts downplaying my value...what I did, was exactly that. I spread joy and positivity.

So...what now?

Well that's where we get to my new resolution:
The same, but more!

Not magically enhanced this year, sadly, but my resolution:
Continue spreading joy and positivity, as I did in 2024, but then on top of that, pursue my dreams.

I want to be more specific on "pursue my dreams", but at the same time, 'spread joy and positivity' was itself a bit vague and in this case, what my dreams are may change. Currently my greatest pull is towards my novel, but will that hold steady all of next year? Who knows??? But pursuing dreams can and should.

So let's make it happen.

I know I can do it.

I just have to do it.

Let's live life together.

​Much love. <3

And when talks of energy in our apartment came up, we discovered we quite literally had a monster living under our bed. Or rather, an energy entity that was draining our energy and giving us many negative thoughts. It had come in around September, apparently, and that tracks. That's about when things became more stressful, about the time it became harder to rest/relax, about the time anxieties flared up, about the time thoughts of the past became much worse, about the time my shower thoughts got flooded with negative emotions, etc.

Just a whole bunch of things got worse around then, and now we know why. And with our place cleansed? We're feeling so much better. 

It also gives me an idea of what I maybe need to guard against at my workplace. When I am lifeguarding especially, I am often flooded with thoughts of the past and a lot of negative emotions. It's weirdly only during those times, and largely not around when I'm not lifeguarding, and I feel like there's probably a similar energy/presence hanging around that area which I need to basically tell, "Hey. No. Don't do that."

I'm not really the person with the authority to kick it our or empowered to do so, but what I can do is at least tell it, it doesn't have permission to feed off of me. To go away, that it has nothing to offer me, that I will not accept it, to reject it, etc. I know my building has a lot of harmless ghosts, but there is definitely at least one presence which isn't harmless there, and probably is the reason why my shoulders are in so much agony while lifeguarding and I get bombarded by so many negative thoughts.

Awareness helps create defense and immunity. I had built up pretty good defenses, but while working, those defense mechanisms weren't working, and I feel like I have a good idea why now. With an ability to return to sender and filter out the bad now empowered by recognizing amplification of negative, I can just say, "No. Stop." and hopefully start to improve.

So, hopefully, my strength will continue to get stronger. I already know I am a Breeacon of light. On a spiritual level, quite literally. The amount of light I radiate is immense. (Side-note but a package which should help kels and I a lot just arrived apparently, I'll talk about that in a bit if I remember.) I shine a bright light into the world, and I plan to continue doing so.

For as long as I am alive and okay, I plan to spread joy and positivity.

And...while it might not be useful for everyone, while some find it annoying, or might think them fake, or just out of place, or not bother reading, or so on and so forth? That's okay. That's natural. Not everyone will like everything. What matters is the people it does help. And the people it does help are...quite a lot. I plan to continue to help them, in any way I can, no matter how small. And my skill is in that joy and positivity. It matters, it helps, no matter how small, so I will continue to do it going forward.

And while I don't like that I require the support of friends right now to stay afloat...those friends are making the choice to help support their friend because we need it. And I will continue to try and make it worth it, to continue to improve our situation and give what I can and get to a place where I can reciprocate.

I'm doing pretty good on writing, on the daily check-ins, on the content creation. And on life stuff, we're managing pretty well overall!

So like...just gotta keep going.

I'm optimistic.

Yes, I know. The government as well as their billionaire corporate capitalistic backers and religious extremists want us dead and are empowered next year.

I'm optimistic in our ability to leave them without the power over us they have traditionally held.

To start supporting each other. To cut out the middle-man of corporations and begin directly supporting each other. Local people, as well as friends. Artists, producers of goods, etc. I believe in our ability to build what amounts to a coven, a community. To integrate and network across the world, but to also have spaces together locally.

There's a joke about "not a cult" about similarly-minded individuals, but loosely, the main differences are not having a charismatic leader, not having or even tolerating any form of manipulation, not trying to isolate people, not having any religious doctrine, not having to give up all possessions, etc. Living together and independently of the government without any NEED for many of the things we need individually, with a community pooling resources and dividing labor, but also not having things be unpaid. Loosely speaking.

It's a complex thing and nuanced idea which none of us really have the details of but basically all spiritually-inclined people are wanting and many of our friends despite not being spiritually inclined are on-board with because we are all tired, we are all frustrated, we are all struggling, and we don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way and don't want to rely on the government for fixing these things. And since the government won't help us and corporations won't either...we have to help ourselves.

Now, granted. I will still do my part to make the government be as good as it can be and corporations be held as accountable as they can be--and use all of the resources they offer. But at the same time, as the elite wealthy and the hateful people who think some humans are better than others and some humans aren't even human try to strip those resources, gut them, and try to remove our ability to exist...

...We aren't going to just die.

There's more love in this world than hate.
There's more care in this world than apathy.
There's more support in this world than greed.

And collectively, they are going to allow us to band together, survive, and after widescale socioeconomic changes take place, to thrive.

I know I don't know enough about any of these things to speak about them intelligently, and to yet act on them intelligently.

But I will learn.

We all will.

As the younger generation continues to get more and more frustrated with the struggles of life inflicted on us all, they will get more and more defiant. And creative. And network with likeminded people, who just want to survive.

And as the younger generation gets older, and learns, and begins to gain skills and resources no matter how limited in scope...they are going to not tolerate the oppression and close-mindedness of those who are in power and hold the wealth and want to maintain the status quo.

I believe the future will be brighter. I believe we are headed towards a form of mass-enlightenment. Where people become more open-minded, where people become more empathetic, more attuned, more in-touch with themselves and each other, and communication is emphasized, and connection is encouraged, and people are able to find each other and support each other with greater ease.

It will take time to manifest. And there will be resistance from those who don't want things to change, or want things to change towards how they used to be. But, I believe in our ability to recognize what they are doing. While there's traps, there's pitfalls, to fall into, there's pipelines which can lead to extremism, as a society we are becoming more aware of the tricks being used.

We don't want that fearmongering, that hatemongering, that rage, that fear, that depression, to define our lives.

So we're going to work to make their opposites stronger. That love, trust, and joy, will be so much stronger. Life will always have challenges, but I truly believe the future we are headed towards will be a better one. As much as I feel we're living in the worst timeline, I feel every timeline is headed towards that better future. We have the hardest to actively live in, we have the most challenges and struggles to overcome, we have the most difficulties to tackle.

But despite how we are in the hardest difficulty of life, the hardcore mode of hard modes, I still believe we are heading towards this better world. A world where we're able to exist as we are, be accepted as we are, explore who we are, and just all-around live life as we want to and are meant to overall.

So stay strong. Stay positive. We have a lot of work to do. And it won't be easy. But we have a lot to look forward to, and I am confident that if we keep our joy, keep our positivity, keep our empathy, our love, keep connecting, keep networking, keep learning, and keep putting action in...we'll still get to the future we want.

​Much love. <3

Basically, a thought came to me as I was on the way back from work, and I remembered something I had long-since forgotten.

Ever since I've been on the internet, I've had a dream I've wanted to pursue. I wanted to have all my writings online, for free--but to have people give the option to pay for them. To pay what they want, but to have it available for free. Maybe available for free online, but available in hardcover for a price to have a physical copy of it.

That was the dream.

And since then, it has never died.

It has only been evolved to include more than just my stories.

All of my songs.
All of my content creation ideas--videos I have in mind.
Comics.
Art.
Videos.
Dances.
Photos.
Spirituality.
And, yes, my writing as well.

Yet...the dream, the idea, remains the same.

I have the same dream, just on a broader scale.

I want to have my ideas shared with the world, and for people to pay whatever they can to support me. Maybe just to support me, but also potentially getting something extra out of having done so. Me sharing things I normally wouldn't, being paygated. But me still sharing everything I want to, and receiving enough support to have a living from it.

That has been my dream for as long as I've been on the internet.

And I feel like my guides are pushing me more in that direction.

All of my ideas are only 30 - 90% complete, depending on the idea.

Music is more in the conceptual stage, songs are scattered, etc.

So like...nothing is QUITE up to the standard of truly being good enough to really be spread to a larger audience.

But I have always felt that I could make my content be seen by the world, my ideas be seen by the world, and that it would largely be free, but that I could still get money from people. If not getting enough money, then the answer would be expanding into more areas to reach more people, rather than further gating my content and raising prices, putting things previously free behind a paywall, etc.

I know that the road I want to walk is a difficult one, in this day and age.

There's been a collapse in the advertisement industry. Sponsors are becoming more exploitative and less willing to shill out to struggling content creators. And in this day and age, everyone is posting content online so everyone is a content creator to at least some extent. Why would I be seen and liked by enough people to make a living from it? Of course I wouldn't. I'm getting on the boat way way too late. If I were to have gotten in early, ten years ago, my odds would've been much higher. But I didn't.

And nowadays...you need a lot of luck, you need a lot of time, effort, and talent, to stand out. To become seen. To become known. To have the algorithm spread you, and to have word of mouth spread further beyond the algorithm. To have that level of engagement and virality, but then to have enough of it form into support to support me.

I will never make it big enough to do this professionally. Writing, content creation, art, poetry, music, etc. I can't get that level of outreach (especially since I've been canceled at least temporarily), nor that level of monetary support.

...Buuuuuut...

...I DO think I can find at least SOME marginal support, for these things as a secondary form of income.

I'm not there yet. But I feel like I'm CLOSE to being there. SO VERY CLOSE.

Like...this is a dream job. That I feel like my guides are very strongly pushing me towards. They are very strongly giving me all of the pushes. They keep sending me dreams about it, memories about it, daydreams about it, advice in tarot and oracle cards about it, and life events in support of it. I literally am receiving a work schedule highly conductive to pursuing content creation.

And...getting cut out of the spaces I was cut out of...for all of the harm it caused to me...for how close it brought me to the brink of ending my life...is a mixed blessing, because by not spending my time and energy on those people, by not spending time and energy on the people who would cut me out and not reciprocate the love and support I was giving them, by not having the time spent on those who wouldn't give *ME* their time (if only to listen to what went on from my perspective)...

...That time can go to other areas, namely, content creation. Writing. Art. Poetry. Music. Videos. You get the idea.

My guides have been pushing me, stronger and stronger, to pursue that childhood dream...because I think it is what I am meant to be doing. Maybe not full-time! Maybe not as my main job! But as a part-time side-job, I feel like it's my true calling.

I feel like it's possible for me to have the balance I'm looking for. To have the stability of my current job;
To have the free time and energy to support my loved ones (particularly the friends who remain, who are the truest of my true friends for having stuck by me when I mosted needed them);
To have the free time and energy to pursue creating my dreams and making them reality.

​I do need to raise the percentage on my things from 30 - 90% to 100%.

But, I feel like the work I am putting in now, as gradual, as spread out, as it may be...is all building up.

I am SO CLOSE to achieving my dreams.

I just need to keep at it, and to receive the love and support needed to kickstart the momentum to get me going.

And that will happen sooner rather than later.

​Thank you for being on this journey with me. <3

To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning. 

Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.

Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.

We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.

I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.

Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.

It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.

Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.

And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.

Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.

​We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.

​But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now. 

I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.

I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.

Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.

I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.

I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.


Let's share the prototype.
​Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.



Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.


Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.


Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.


Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.


Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.

My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.


Words I use are always imperfect, 
Yet I show my love despite the defects.


Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé. 

Words are how I show my yearning, 
Words are proof of my earnings. 



I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.

Words carry such healing power, 
Words give strength to what matters.


Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.


Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.


When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.


Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined. 


Words are my compass, guiding


Words kind
Mine


They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned. 


My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.

Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.


Words I can’t always give in full form free, 
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.

Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.


Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.

Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.


Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.


Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.








I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.



As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.

I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.

I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.

I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.

I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.

In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.

I'm doing well on my workouts.

Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.

And I even have a new updated Smug emote.