I literally brought my blog up last night and then, instead of making a blog, went to bed, because in my adhd state I brought the blog up, got distracted by a thought of something else, did that, then put the computer to sleep before doing the blog.

I don't even remember what I was going to blog about.

WHOOPS.

​Ah, well.

I would say "in my defense, I have been busy" doing a lot of things, which is true!
...But mostly the lack of blogs has been pure sheer nasty depression sticking its ugly face out and taking control of my life.

I am however, trying to fight back. It's not an overnight process where I will suddenly magically have a fix for everything, but I'm working on it, trying to get more and more on top of it. I've actually done a ton of stuff, gathering makeup supplies, shopping, etc. But I've got a lot more work to do.

I started with a list of activities, divided up into one-time things, daily/weekly things, and additional/optional things on top of those, and then added in a need to remember login information for various different important things.

So far, this is what I've got;


ONE-TIME THINGS:
-Catch up on emails
-Do tax stuff
-Regain access to any sites I need to (at least one but see below)
-Restart unemployment (I messed up by not doing it so need to restart it)
-Seek psychologist (so that I can begin transition)
-Pursue namechange
-Finish makeup collection

DAILY/WEEKLY THINGS:
-Shave (daily for face)
-Comb hair (do with shave)
-Makeup (daily once I've got the supplies)
-Shower 3-4x / week + change (Monday, Wednesday, Friday?)
-Dental Hygiene (2x/day)
-Unemployment once restarted (weekly?)
-Shave (chest Wed, legs Fri, arms Mon)
-Pills once gotten (at prescribed time/method/etc.)
-Checking email (daily+)

ADDITIONAL DAILY THINGS:
-Once on pills, exercise:
*Daily: jackknives/crunches alternating
(start 10, increase by 5/week up to 100)
*Knuckle Pushups Monday / Wednesday / Friday
(start 5, increase by 1/week up to 100)
(use corset or similar for back form)
*Squats Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday
(start 10, increase by 2/week up to 100)
*Walk/Jog/Run;
Walk 1 mile/day, increase by 1 mile/week;
After up to 5, add jog for 1 mile on top of walk (6 total);
After 5 jog + 5 walk, add 1 mile run;
Max out at 15 miles / day

BONUS ADDITIONAL/OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES IN A DAY (Possible activities):
-League of Legends
-Teamfight Tactics
-TFT Hyper-roll
-Chrono Trigger
-Stardew Valley
-Epic Battle Fantasy 5
-Minecraft
-Art
*Finish self-portrait
*Finish Elemental Ruby
-Phyrra and Cyrus (scriptwork, songwriting)
-Job Search

-Storywriting (the below are stories I have a recent desire to work on)
*Coat
*The Bandit Seven (supervillain/"hero")
*Vetra (superhero/villain)
*The supervillain trio story
*Threadripper and Kinesis (supervillain) story
*Requiem (supervillain)
*Projection (superhero + supervillain) story
*Heroes 4 Hire (superhero)



ACCOUNTS I NEED ACCESS TO:
(I probably should not list these publicly even on a blog nobody reads so, uh...there's a bunch here just not to be listed)

So that's what I've done.

It's not enough, but it's at least a good start.

Not physically though. Just mentally.

Did a stream.
Started looking into things but didn't finish.
Am behind in a bunch of stuff but oh well.

Was at least a decent day, but I need to keep pushing with my momentum.

I was struggling, hardcore, to get good progress on the League Sentinel vs Ruined event. I barely unlocked Gwen, but was hard hard hardstuck in that level with no way of progressing quickly--bot games don't progress the event, and tft doesn't have a champion who progresses the event unlocked, at least not yet. Meaning I was limited to my slow slow slow progress on Normals.

During the LCO, it was mentioned that zombie wards artificially inflate your vision score, so tonight, I ran a build using zombie wards, and sure enough? Each and every single game, I unlocked the progress for the event, completing Demacia.

I'm taking a break right now to watch BRO play in the LCK (my favorite teams in the LCK are Damwon, BRO, Arthur-HLE, T1, and DRX in about that order, with Yohan-HLE kicking the team down to like sixth or seventh because I am an Arthur fan and I think a lot of HLE's success is due to him and am not a fan of Yohan in comparison), but I may go back later tonight as well.

Turns out the build I'm running actually works pretty well, too. I'm running dark harvest + taste of blood (I know cheap shot is better for Ashe and damage, but I need the healing due to not building any sustain item) + zombie wards + ultimate hunter, with approach velocity + biscuits (the biscuits help me with mana, approach velocity helps me with mobility), starting tear and then building umbral glaive into manamune and then situationally Duskblade or Ravenous Hydra (although as support, vigilant wardstone gets built and I have the support item, too).

I'm not running into mana shortages and not really running out of HP and am dealing decent damage and huge vision, so. It's working!

This one I devised as a webcomic, involving a mixture of sci-fi and fantasy elements, with bits of slice of life added to it.

The central point is about a strong woman leader, who created a time traveling force that's dedicated towards saving lives from various tragedies (mostly massacres, but can be terrorist acts or even natural disasters). The saved lives can be saved either through faking their deaths or by averting the tragedy altogether.

The point of view character is, however, mostly not the leader and founder of the organization; she's the most important character and is prominently featured especially at the beginning, but the main point of view character is actually the naïve newcomer:

We get to witness how the team rescues him and his entire village from a massacre, which we get to see his point of view from as well, where they explain that had they not intervened, everyone (himself included) would have died. (To which he just says, "...Oh.")

He ends up being recruited to this time traveling task force though, in part due to his natural talents. The time traveling task force organization is able to do what they do thanks to the aid of a supercomputer (and, partially, because the leader has a bond with a divine entity; on her forehead there's an eye-tattoo mark that's actually the conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power).

The viewpoint protagonist character, the naïve newcomer, happens to have an innate gift for real-time projection of the supercomputer's model. It's described as basically, the supercomputer projects on a 2D basis, and he is able to process it in a 3D image, with a perfect ability to transition what the supercomputer projects into real life. Basically, he is able to perfectly remember what the supercomputer says (they can't actually take the supercomputer with them on their missions), and then see it (kinda sorta Intersect style from Chuck) overlaid in real life (but think more controlled, more ghostly-3d-imagely) and manage to act on that.

This makes him something of a huge asset on the field. Beyond that, he's also got a huge amount of combat training, is not actually stupid and is naturally smart, charismatic, clever, etc. He was going to lead his village's defense initially, after all. (It wouldn't have worked, per it being a massacre the time travel organization prevents, butstill.) He's got a wide array of, so to speak, adventuring skills. He knows how to approach people, he's decent at adapting to local cultures, he's basically naturally suited to the work.

Also, he, like the leader, has a divine influence--but unlike the leader whose divine entity with a conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power, he has the entirety of the divine deity (the divine deity inside of him having somehow been hurt badly enough to need to be entirely rather than partially within him), which gives him a huge amount of power.

Magic in this setting doesn't exist everywhere. In fact it only exists in a few places, most places notably don't have magic. (The places with magic are common enough that people know magic exists, but they also know that magic only works in those places and ceases to work outside of those places.)

But in the places magic does work, he is an insanely powerful user of it, albeit largely untrained/untapped.

Furthermore, eventually, down the line, a specific incident ends up cloning the main protagonist character, creating two of him. Unlike most settings where this happens, both are treated as the real deal and with all the freedom to be whoever they want. The two have the same abilities, memories, experiences, etc. before but would over time slightly diverge, but neither is going to be forced to do anything different. The one and only requirement they have is of a tactically-necessary one;

The naïve newcomer protagonist is, explicitly, as soon as he is revealed to be the main character, revealed to be telling the story of how he went from the naïve newcomer to being the organization's second in command and field commander (the one actually in charge of time operations).

Both of hims can end commanding. They are, explicitly, both the exact same rank with the exact same authority as field commander and second in command. They're required to have a mind link whenever giving orders as to not give contradictory orders, where one giving an order is aware of the other giving an order and exactly why the order is being given.

Otherwise, they are free to be themselves, both equally as much the protagonist.

This also only makes him stronger; both of hims have the ability to 3D project the computations, and both of hims have the full deity within them, which means that when they tag-team, they are capable of doing missions that the supercomputer by itself wouldn't be able to handle. In other words, their tag-teaming is more powerful than the supercomputer, able to do things the organization couldn't before.

The story starts with him, however, largely learning the ropes as a rookie. After all, just because he's that powerful and naturally competent doesn't mean he's experienced. He's not going to know everything, so he has to have things explained to him, and has to take time where aspects of the organization are explained to him (and by proxy, the audience).

But eventually, he rises to the rank of field commander and second in command, and from there field operations continue, with more slice of life elements contained within.

Granted, again: not nothing!
Today I literally did taxes. That's a very very very important adult thing to do, one of the most important adulting things to do in fact.

But I've been failing to do a lot of my daily stuff, including struggling to write blogs, and not getting any closer to finishing the stuff that I want to get done before my birthday.

​Once more, I need to step my game up...

I've been working on Castle 4-0 in minecraft all night long instead of, oh, you know...taxes? A thing you really really need to get done?

​Whoooops.

...So much as there is, continued, "I didn't do as much as I wanted to do today", today.

However, it notably wasn't nothing.

I may not have streamed.
I may not have played Stardew Valley.
I may not have won a game of League of Legends.
I may not have done my daily things like mafia games.
I may not have done anything on my new to-do list with a deadline of July 23rd (my birthday).
I may not even have blogged about the above in spite of having planned to, due to me being too tired now to do so.

All of that is stuff I didn't do that I wanted to have gotten done.

But critically, today was not a wash.

I did manage to unlock some of the event content in League of Legends.
I did manage to finish the base of Castle 4-0 in minecraft.
I did do a little bit of farming in Chrono Trigger and tie up a couple of things I wanted to do there.

But biggest of all?

I did go to shop for more additional clothes, something I was in desperate need of, as I was putting off taking a shower for the last few days in part due to a lack of clean clothes to change into.

So tomorrow I can take a shower and change, but beyond that, have access to more of my preferred clothing now.

It felt really good to do.

So I've got a lot to do tomorrow.

I've got a lot of progress to work on.
​But I still have done some stuff that was good. Which is better than nothing.

Okay so that title may take a little bit of clarification.
I do not feel like I am invalid.
I know I am valid.

I feel like I am being invalidated by my family--an entirely different thing.

They are not seeing me as Bree. I have the power to accelerate this being forced...but I've not grasped it, so I am frustrated at myself for how slow I am, how stupidly not assertive I've been.

I've not once said "that's not my name" to my deadname.

I've not once said "my name is Bree" to my deadname.

I've done some passive resistance to the deadname by refusing to answer to it in some cases, but after my family bypasses the name I answer anyway without them having validated me...and this is the best of my responses.

The others? Me trying, when they use the deadname, to emphasize, "I have/haven't done X", in a way that to me emphasizes that I am not responding to them using the deadname, I am responding to them...but this is something so subtle that it is something that they do not validate me with. They probably don't even notice.

Or worst of all? Instinctively responding to the deadname. 27 years of responding to a name is not something I can undo over a short amount of time, but the number of times I do is outweighing the number of times I don't. I'm not really progressing in pushing those to the minority.

I've not progressed on changing my name legally.

I've not progressed on job search stuff.

I've not sent emails to my mother and older sister containing resources I was given...by now, close to two weeks ago.

And yet, every day I am feeling less and less validated by them.

And it'll get worse on July 23rd.
What name do you think they're going to use to sing 'Happy Birthday' to me?
What name do you think they actively tell other extended family members is mine?
I'm not even being called by my real name on phone calls to our dance group. Yet alone our extended family on either side of the family.

And I've no real way to reach out to them beyond what I have done in making it public in the places I have.

So I am feeling awfully frustrated, both at myself for my utter lack of having pushed further and at my family for doing literally everything to invalidate me.

I tell myself every night I go to bed, 'tomorrow, I will change this'.
I tell myself every day I wake up, 'today is the day that I change this'.
I've yet to do so in about two weeks.

I am aware that this is more on my family than it is on me--
But if I do absolutely nothing, I won't be able to do anything to influence them, anything to affect them.

So I need to keep moving forward here.

​I cannot afford to not.