Even when I accomplish goals that I have set out to do, I still end up feeling like, pardon the language, but I call myself this and worse, shit.
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I don't know why but I am just...exhausted.
I just...feel like I am failing at life right now.
My family suspects depression. They are probably not wrong. Most of them, I still am.
God I suck. I had more to talk about, but I just feel pathetic right now. Wanna hear it?
Coward, Weak, Failure, Liar, Pathetic, Hypocrite, Asshole, Incompetent, Selfish, Loser, Fraud, Lazy, Bigot, Disgusting, Stupid, Incompetent, Monster. I am all of these things and these things are me in a nutshell. I want to be none of them. I want to improve my life so that all of them no longer apply. But as is. They all do. And they define me. I don't like that they define me. But they do. ...But I feel like I might.
MIGHT. Just maybe, might. Be able to get my life together soon. Not right now. But it's close. I'm approaching the point of "no longer hopeless", just...terribly behind and slowly getting caught up. Almost there. Just...need to get a little more done. I'm slowly feeling like in some ways I'm getting my life recovered after vacation, yet in other ways feel like I'm just withering away.
Today I feel more of the latter than the former. Because I just feel like I'm not doing anything I'm meant to be, I guess. Went to Alfy's for pizza dinner, came home and instead of watching my sister's choice which we'll save for a later week watched Avengers: Endgame. Also had cake. Pretty standard affair, but has left me utterly exhausted.
...I totally thought.
Every single day I went to bed. I had blogs on my mind and thought "I did it already", checked it off my mental checklist of things to do before bed. And went to bed. ...Apparently. I was mistaken. Oops. It started with my tire blowing out. I was driving, and then there was a big, GIGANTIC *THUMP* where the closest thing I can compare it to is as if I had hit a curb. I hadn't, quite positive of that, but that's the closest experience I can think of. The whole car slowed a little, shook, the whole works. Like an explosion going off. From the tire popping.
I wasn't immediately sure what happened, but when I kept noticing that the car wasn't handling properly (drifting to the right), it wasn't that hard to figure out. Fortunately, I was very very close to my destination anyway, so I kept going until I got there and then phoned for help. (Repeatedly.) Then came work; nothing interesting there beyond the norm, but it did eat up the vast majority of my day. I got home only like two hours ago. And that means that, obviously, today's not been a productive day. Kinda hard to be productive with so little spare time. OH WELL. There's always tomorrow! |
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