The more productive I am, the more healthy I am mentally.
The less productive I am, the worse I am mentally.

And it is a spiral. Bad mental health causes low productivity, low productivity feeds bad mental health.

I've been dealing with some bad burnout.
I've been dealing with some terrible depression.

I haven't had the energy or time to blog.

I've been unable to really function.

But, today was really good! Yesterday was extra terrible, I had extra frustration with OBS and being unable to get it working, which I need to because Twitch Studio is being discontinued despite it being literally the only streaming platform requiring no third party extensions and was simple intuitive and user-friendly in a way OBS Studio isn't.

And I couldn't.
I couldn't get it working.
I didn't do anything.
And then I got burned out.
I got so burnt out I literally shut down and was unable to get ANYTHING done AT ALL.

Yet today I did the work of two days and have energy to spare.

I didn't get everything I wanted to done, but I'm proud of what I did.

Still...there's definitely a worrying trend in my mental health.

Once I did all of that...

...and I rested...

...I noticed I was not as good mentally as I was before.

So like...the MOMENT I stop working...I don't feel nearly as good.

I need to be working, or sleeping, or I feel terrible.

And that can't be healthy.

But, that doesn't diminish my accomplishments, and I am proud of it.

I'm not doing terribly, but I'm not doing great, either. I'm only doing okay.

I broke my blog streak.
I'm not making much progress in writing.
I'm not doing art as I have been.
The art I did do, I feel lackluster about--I reuploaded my rBree2F emote (and it is yet to be approved), with a series of changes which probably won't even upgrade it in the way I upgraded rBree2Love in the form of rBree2Heart.

I haven't worked on rBree2Facepalm or rBree2Hugs.

I haven't been doing more cleaning.
I haven't been more aggressively pursuing financial relief.
I haven't been pulling my weight in cooking and using the food we got from the food bank.

I haven't been doing spirituality stuff.
I haven't been staying on top of hygiene stuff.

I haven't been taking care of my fiance.

I'm not doing everything to level up my streams that I should be doing.

I'm largely just gaming, and then feeling empty from not having done anything beyond that gaming.

But, I'm not doing terribly, despite this. I've still done work on my art.
I've still done work on my twitch streams.
I've still been doing creative stuff.
I've done some cleaning, and been doing lots.

​So like...I am okay. I'm not great, but I am okay. Solidly 5/10 overall.

Physically it wasn't as taxing, but was still taxing due to a work incident--I'm not comfortable sharing the details in a public space (my online life and my work life for some reason have zero intermingling, but it's through no effort of mine; it's very easy to learn I am Bree Lewis of the Bellevue Y), but something at work was really draining and wasn't great. One of my bosses is...not thrilled at it.

Then after that, we went to the food bank for the first time. Despite this being a thing which shouldn't be done, half the food was already or is about to expire, but...it's still a release of a financial burden. We didn't get everything we need, but we got a lot we did, and by getting it, we can use it and by using it, we're not using as much food we have to buy. We still do need to buy SOME things, but we need to buy less.

It was hugely stressful, like on Monday.

But not as bad.

And at the end of the day...I still ended up getting a good deal done.

I got inspired to clean more, and my fiance having seen my ideas is inspired themself. Because they are inspired, the work is likely going to be done.

We took the time to begin pursuing taking control of our lives.

We've still got a lot more to do.
We still need to get the financial relief.
We still need to get the food program relief.
We still need to get the blood/plasma donations.
We still need to be smart and budget and such.

We still need to continue cleaning.

I still need to do my stream, which I put off doing today because of the things we needed to do.

I still need to do art.

I'm doing this blog, which is a nice start.

But, there is a lot more to do.

I'm just also saying we got a lot done to be proud of.

Mental is improving.
Physical is maintaining.
Financial is on the right track, with my raise being official. (It's a dollar less than I was hoping for, but it's still a ridiculously good raise.)

Things are improving, and I need to seize this momentum and keep it going.

So, tomorrow we pursue doing exactly that.

Yesterday was a low point mentally.

Today was a low point physically.

I just was stressed at work, tired, exhausted, etc.

A lot just piled up and I might be feeling burnout.

But.

While I didn't do much when I got home.

What I did get done was still hugely productive.

I scheduled an upload of the clips from my last twitch stream. Still haven't recorded new things, but what I did do?

I made huge progress in cleaning things. My fiance does a great job at cleaning, and I don't like to mess with their system, but they do hit their cleaning limit and they also miss things and sometimes miss tricks, all of which are where I come in--I just went through about a third of the living room and kitchen in our apartment.

That's sadly not as much as I was hoping to get done. I really wanted to get the entire living room cleaned, to get rid of all of the clutter and better organize things, grouping them better, remove duplicate locations, etc. But, I didn't get it done. Still, despite my having run out of time and energy, I managed to lighten the load on my fiance and lessen their burden!

My mood has improved a lot, and I am doing a lot.

I didn't get around to the art changes I was aiming for (I wanted to update rBree2F to make it pop some more), but I still got a lot to be proud of.

I also went into the future of the Rubyverse some more and did some work there, fleshing out the future Elemental Riders and their weapons.

So like...I got a lot done.

Not as much as I wanted!

But plenty to be proud of.

Tomorrow is going to be similarly busy.

Me and my fiance need to try and get to a food bank and see if we qualify to take food and get food from there--for full disclosure, we are doing absolutely terribly financially. We can't afford food right now, and while I am getting a pay increase, to make ends meet we need another form of income. My fiance has been trying to get a job for nine months, yet nowhere will actually hire them it seems, so we are desperate. We've already received a bailout from my family, but my family literally can't afford to keep giving those so if we don't get a handle on finances within the next month, we are going to be in a horrible place.

So, we're trying to do everything we can to save money. We've been cutting costs month after month, but the cost cuts weren't enough. We need help. We need a lot of help. We are unable to do this by ourselves, but we're pursuing all the help we can get.

So, that's the plan.

Wish us luck.

​We'll need it.

My watch broke, any we don't have the funds to replace it.

Our creamer went bad, and we don't have the funds to buy more.

We're running out of most of our food, including for lunch, and don't have the funds to buy more.

We can't find a lot of things, need to clean more.

We dealt with a lot of stress.

I ended up not wearing my uniform's shirt to work, needing to use a spare.

I was late to work.

I got hit by wave after wave of depression, each worse than the last--the kind of depression which would drag me down even if everything was perfect in life, and because things are terrible right now, it was all the worse.

Tonight, I streamed Stardew Valley, intent on it helping--but the stream was so scuffed that I ended up only feeling worse after.

I wasn't able to attend most streams I wanted to today and felt like a failure.

I'm just...

...like...

...this is a Monday of all Mondays.

Can't I have good things happen?

I didn't have literally nothing good.

I made a plurality breakthrough today.
I still streamed.
I got some good clips from the stream, or at least clips which would've been good if not for the scuff.

I am blogging today, for the third in a row.
Especially impressive since I streamed today!

My fiance made good dinner tonight and nailed a perfect cup of mocofftea--mocha coffee with tea in it.

And after I finish this blog, we'll be taking a shower, to wash the bad vibes away.

So, not all bad news.

It's just...can't I catch a break? Please??? I desperately need one. I need things to be going right. Just once. Please?

I'm trying. It's not like I'm slacking and just praying/hoping for a magical answer. I'm putting the work in. Can it please for once actually pan out??? We...desperately need it.

Right now, if I am staying busy, I'm definitely doing okay, feeling like about a 7/10.

But when I am just resting, no matter how much I remind myself how much I literally just spent hours of time getting done, I feel like I am doing nothing.

I literally made art that I am proud of today! Like, I am actually PROUD of my art??? That never happens! But I keep looking at it, over and over again, and am so proud of everything I got done.

Like, is it perfect? Well, no! Of course not! I'm a mediocre artist at best, objectively speaking. I'm not terrible, to be sure, but I'm far from a professional. You can see all the imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies, etc., if you look...

...But for what I am capable of, this is the top of the charts, effectively. Maybe I could make small improvements here and there, but it's still very good!!!

And I did it today! I put in the work to update not one, not two, but three of my emotes!!! (I still need to work on the facepalm emote more, but I could probably also release a v3 of the rBree2F emote.)

And I got it done! In one day! And I love the result! It's the kind of thing I look at and go, "WOW! ...I made that???"

It's stunning. It's beautiful. Like, yeah. I get it, there's reasons to go "this isn't great". To a well-trained eye from a better artist, they would look at it and go, "why are you proud of that? It's not great." And even I will probably join them in on that eventually.

But FOR MY CAPABILITIES, especially IN THE TIME I DID IT, this is INCREDIBLY good. Amazingly good.

And I should be proud of it, right?

And I am proud of it!

...Except, the moment I stop staring at what I've done.

The thoughts creep into my mind to think, "I have done nothing."

There's the thought that I haven't done anything today.

Despite me literally staring at the proof I did something.

So then I decided to keep busy.

And I did more. I did more.

I did more bits badges.

I did more sub badge art.

And now, I am continuing to be busy by writing a blog!

Two days of blogging, with a longer blog at that, in a row?

Why wouldn't I be proud of that?

...Well because depression doesn't care about logic.

Depression is causing a deep pain which tells me, illogically, irrationally, I am doing nothing, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting my life.

I don't know what I can really do to get rid of it, other than waiting it out, and continuing to remind myself I have a lot to be proud of having accomplished.

There's a lot of things I will need to continue to do. We're still in a financially tight position. I haven't looked at how to get paid donations. I haven't picked up my meds. I haven't looked into how eligible we are for SNAP and the food bank and similar.

I know. I need to do that kind of work, and I'm not.

But...I am still doing good!

I just wish my brain could see it the way others do.

In the meanwhile though...continuing to grind. I'm making some time for games, but we'll be doing as much as we can.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3