I'm too tired and exhausted again. I don't know why, honestly. I should be getting enough food, and I didn't do much, but I feel extra drained again for some reason. I dunno. It might just be stress about all of the things I'm thinking of.

The main three being,
How to clean the apartment in three days;
Finances;
What happened last year and the bleedthrough into this year.

For the first, I dunno yet.
The second, "it's okay to need help" is essentially the mindset; I need to accept that I need to accept the help friends and family and loved ones have given.

And for the third...

"What was lost was not worth keeping", essentially.

I have been struggling with hypotheticals and thoughts of going public again. But my wife helped remind me, again, why we made the choice not to. We've got more important things to focus on. We've got a life to build. And most importantly of all...the people who are most important to us are the people who stay in our lives.

There are plenty of loved ones who value us. Who see us as us, and value us as friends. These people either heard us out, or just don't care what we did in the past. But in either case, they value the us we are now, the us we are as friends, they value the friendship, over anything we would have done in the past. (Most of which we're innocent of, mind you. Not all, of course! But most. To actually know we'd need to know exactly what we were accused of and then we'd be able to say, "oh yeah we're guilty of that" vs. "oh that's total bogus", but since nobody will share we largely just have to go off what we know and what we know is that we're humans who didn't do perfectly but also we're victims of a misinformation campaign, so. We know exactly what we did and didn't do and if ever asked would be able to say one way or the other for any given thing. It's just that nobody cares to--those who are our friends don't care to ask because they don't care and value us; those who cut us out don't care to ask because they don't care to hear our perspective, so nobody regardless of stance cares. So let the rumor mill go, it doesn't matter. It won't keep us from living our lives. But I digress.)

I still want to make a blog to air out some thoughts.

But also, I don't want to hyperfocus on it, for every blog to be about the past, what happened there. I can't rightly claim I'm moving on and focusing on the present and future if most of my blogs are focused on the past, now, can I? Yet at the same time, I also want my blog to be a means to share whatever is on my mind, and to be honest about it, and to be able to put it out there so I effectively delete it from my brain. To share in a form that is able to allow me to heal, and to explain my perspective.

After all, my perspective is one of ludicrous complexity.
I'll share what happened publicly, but not namedrop.
In private, I won't namedrop unless specifically prompted to confirm who I am talking about. (Basically, if people know who I'm talking about, I'll confirm, "yeah, that's who I'm talking about", but if they don't, I'm not going to namedrop.)
I don't want to spread my view that the problematic streamer is problematic to others, yet at the same time I believe the problematic streamer is problematic.
I believe the problematic streamer is problematic, but I also believe the problematic streamer despite being problematic is a good human.
I don't want the problematic streamer canceled, but I do want the problematic streamer held accountable, with my idea of accountability not including cancellation.
I don't want to go public (outside of mental spiral days like today at least), but I don't want problematic behavior to never come to light at all and lead to others having needlessly suffered.
I don't want to defend myself, but I also don't want lies about me to be treated like truth.
I don't want to lose people I care about, but I also don't want to put in the work to tell everyone my perspective (and by not sharing, some who I care about will be lost).
I don't want to lose people I care about, but at the same time I want the people in my life to genuinely care about me and see me as the me I am.

It's a lot of seeming contradictions, yet...things are complicated, and nuanced, and multi-faceted.
I don't want to say going public/whistleblowing would have been good/bad/etc. I think more good than harm would have come from it, but at the same time it wouldn't be something that is guaranteed to have been the best path forward.

And you know?

I actually like the path forward I am walking, overall.

I'm loved.
I have loved ones.
I have a lot of love to give others.
I'm creative.
I'm pursuing my creativity.

There's losses along the way. There's sacrifices to be made. There's choices to be made. There's things I have to accept:
By not fighting against the misinformation, all of those I lost will likely never return to my life;
By not fighting against the misinformation, I will likely lose more who fall prey to the misinformation;
To pursue the life I want, I'm not yet far enough in that I'm self-sufficient so I MUST accept the help of loved ones;
Success will take time;
I won't be able to help everyone I want to.

But at the same time--this feels like it's the way I most want to go, and the best way to go, at least with how life has gone.

It won't be easy, but I think it's what I want to pursue.

And for any who are along for the ride...thank you.

I guess I've got a blog after all.

​Sorry for not giving more, but I will always do the best I can. I hope you can do the same. <3

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I was very productive in plurality stuff, story stuff, streaming, and in spirituality stuff.

I do have to make sure my fiance is okay though.

I did get a bit of a confusing event though.

I feel like I got called out for a lack of communication and honesty, but...I don't know what it could be for. I can't think of a single thing I've been dishonest about. As far as I know, I've been living a life of full honesty. I can't figure out what I'd be dishonest about. And as far as I know, the only communication I haven't done is with those who have set the boundaries of not wanting me to.

So...what am I missing?

I know I must be missing something, but what could it be?

I'm honestly a bit worried this could be the test, and that I am failing it, because, like...

...I don't understand.

I have learned to understand a lot. I have learned to see a lot of the various perspectives of others. I have nothing but love. I have nothing but compassion. I have nothing but good wishes. I have nothing but honesty. So why does it feel like I am being told I wasn't? Where haven't I been? I can't figure it out.

So like...if this is the test of understanding, I must have failed. I know what I have done and I know I have lived honestly and true to myself. I can certainly stand up for myself by defending that. I can certainly communicate with those who want me to. But I don't know what I'm meant to do rn.

I felt like I was fairly attuned, but now I'm feeling doubts. I'm drawing blanks. 

I don't want to ignore the callout, but at the same time...I don't really know what I can do. All I can think of is to keep focusing on what I have. I have a lot of good in my life. I have wonderful friends who see the beauty in me. I have many who enjoy my presence and want me in their life. I have an amazing fiance. I have a good stream schedule going. I'm making progress on my projects. I'm about to embark on more. I'm an acceptable artist. I'm getting better at balancing my life.

I have a strong love for everyone. I have a strong drive to heal others, and to teach others, and to create, and that holy trinity is my strengths as a person. I am growing spiritually.

There are things which I don't have which I want. Namely my desire to help those I can't, to support those I can't, to celebrate those I can't, to hug those I can't, to provide the good vibes to those I can't. But I have no control over those, and never will. By following boundaries, by following limitations, I can do nothing. I would love to, and on my end I can stand up for my virtues while listening with love and support. But that's all I can.

And since I can't get those things I want, I should focus on what I can.

I want to live the most fulfilled life I can. I want to live the most rich life I can. I want to live the most productive life I can. I want to live the most elevated life of servitude and goodness. That of the healer, teacher, and artist.

So, without an answer for the things I want but can't get, I'll focus on what I can get.

Maybe that's the test, to see if I have learned to let go of what I can't get and to hold onto what I can.

We'll have to see. I'm trying my best. That's all I can really do.

Today is the seven-month anniversary of me dating my fiance. And yet, today, I am opening up the day by writing what, if I actually cover everything, will be a really lengthy blog. But, it's a blog I've been wanting to write to air out some thoughts for the last three, four days or so.

The heart of the selfishness I want to cover is basically this.

I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want forgiveness for what I have done. I don't want people to forget my mistakes, either. Nor do I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if these things were possible, selfishly, I want something more, something far bigger than that, and perhaps more impossible, but that's why this is a selfish desire.

Who I am now is not defined by the mistakes I made in the past.

I want to be seen as I am now, not as who I was when I made the mistakes I did.

I want to be seen as good enough as I am, rather than seen as someone who has a lot to make up for.

As selfish as it is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to atone for my past mistakes. I want to be seen as doing the good I do, just because that's who I am, that's the natural thing to do. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my actions being penance. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my good deeds being making up for past misdeeds. As selfish as it is,

I want the good I do to be seen just as the good I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I want to be seen as I am, not perceived through the filter of mistakes I've since learned from.

People change. People learn. And people are complex. Me moreso than most. And I'm sure I'll continue to make more mistakes--particularly since I only have my own feedback to tell if I am making a mistake. I have to keep guessing to try and avoid mistakes, and I probably guess wrong. But I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I made. It doesn't matter if those mistakes are ten years old, eight months old, or even last week. I am not who I was when I made those mistakes. I am better.

To be sure, if there's a continuous mistake I keep making over and over--and I bet there's plenty of those--yeah, I'm not going to be better than I was when making it, because I keep making it every day. But in that case, I need someone to point out the mistake I am continuously making, and once I can identify it as a mistake, I can immediately start working on bettering it until I am not making that mistake, or at least not making it as often.

I improve every day, and selfishly, I want this to be enough. I want to have my growth be acknowledged. I want that change to be recognized, as selfish as it may be to say, to insist upon.

Selfishly, I want people to not assume the worst of me. I want people to see the good I do, and to see it as good done without any bias, without any thoughts of how it must be a mask, it must be penance, it must be for an agenda, or whatever. I want people to see the good I do and see it as me having done good, not out of malice, not out of selfishness (ironic, given how selfish this is), but just because that's who I am, the good I do is my natural state.

Selfishly, I want people to not think I am selfish.

Selfishly, I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments, including the natural good I do just by existing in the places I do.

And there is a lot of good!

In the spaces I choose to inhabit, the natural inclination for the vast majority of people is positive perspective of me, and good vibes to be had. They enjoy hanging out with me. They like to be around me. They enjoy time spent together. I am naturally liked, even when I have thought I had no reason to be.

Without trying, without effort on my part, just by me being me, people in the spaces I frequent are overall very fond of me.

Negative outlooks of me are, by and large, a learned behavior. People got taught to have their positive views overridden by the negative ones. They got taught to drop their positive perspective. They got taught to have their good vibes killed. They got taught to think of me as bringing toxicity or whatever bad things they now think of me. They got taught to avoid me. They got taught to regret spending as much time around me as they did, they got taught to have their hopes crushed because a person encouraging said hopes was terrible in a way they were educated on. That hate (and it is selfish for me to call it hate) is something they were given, not something they found naturally on their own.

And it was nearly nonexistent before December 5th, 2023. And entirely nonexistent before August 2023. It's a learned behavior, learned from others, because the natural inclination, the natural instinct, is to vibe with me. People naturally vibe with me because it's natural for us to vibe together, to click together.

People's instincts about a person are normally correct, and their instincts about me overwhelmingly were positive. I formed years-long friendships with people who have very good instincts, who have a great intuition, who instantly connected with me. They intuitively felt the good from me and connected with the good in me. Even at a time when I myself thought myself to be not great, they saw the great in me without even trying, because that is who I am.

Overwhelmingly, people's instincts towards me are positive. They only see otherwise when taught it by another. And they have great resistance to the idea I am terrible, they have great resistance to negative thoughts about me, because their instincts were that I am a good person.

And selfishly, I want them to acknowledge this. As selfish as it is, I want it to be acknowledged that even years ago when I thought myself trash, others on a deep fundamental level recognized me as a beautiful soul before even I could. 

So, selfishly, now that I am finally beginning to realize how beautiful my soul is, I want them to admit they saw it in me then, and that it's still there on some level now. That the good within me didn't disappear because of the bad within me, that the good within me isn't being corrupted by me finally being able to see it.

I want it to be okay for me to know that I am great.

I want it to be okay for me to be good, even when thinking I am good.

Selfishly, I want it to be alright that I am aware I am a good person who does good.

People saw the good on me on a deep fundamental instinctual level back in a time period where I thought I was a piece of trash. I want that to be them seeing the truth before I could, rather than them having been mistaken and me only now believing their mistaken impression.

As selfish as it is, I want my good qualities to be acknowledged, and seen as what they are:
Good qualities from a good person whose natural goodness is a gift she offers freely to the world, perhaps too freely.

Selfishly, I want it to be okay for me to say this and for others to know it is true:

I am quite the catch.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. I would do literally anything for any who I call a friend, and I call most people friend so there is almost anything I will do for them. I have limits in what I can do, but I will go to those limits and help them in any way I can.

I am ridiculously enthusiastic. I see the achievements of others, and they fill me with joy, I am passionate in expressing my great love for what they have done.

I am passionate. I am good at inspiring others.

I am invested in those I spend time around. I learn their names, their pronouns, their approximate age, their birthday, their approximate location, what they are learning, what they are passionate about, who they are friends with, their relationships, how their family life is, life events, etc. I remember stuff about them. I know what they are most nerdy about, I know what they are dreaming to do, I see their talents and skills and remember what they are.

I remember a lot about my friends, despite me having literally hundreds of them. I often doubt my capacity to remember so much about so many people, but time and time again I prove that I remember more than people expected me to. I remember things they often forgot they ever told me.

I am good at making people laugh. My opinion of my jokes has always been low, since I'm naturally inclined to describe them as "stupid jokes", but I've been realizing I need to redefine my perspective and call them silly jokes because those who receive them don't think they're stupid. My fiance fell in love with me because of these ""stupid"" jokes, so clearly there is some merit behind my silliness.

I am good at entertaining others. I give them something which makes their day better.

I am good at engaging people. People who otherwise wouldn't have been active, see me talking to them, see me engaging them, see me giving them talking material, and they get into it with me, in a way which draws them in and makes it so they are more inclined to hang around. I draw people in and get them invested.

I am good at providing support. I often doubt my ability to give meaningful advice, yet to those who have received my advice, it has made a world of difference and done them a world of good. They got told exactly what they needed to hear, in order to gain the strength to go on and do things they otherwise wouldn't have done.

I am there for people who need me. I'm not often called upon, but whenever someone reaches out to me, I am there, and I know when I need to be the one reaching out to them. I will drop everything to attend to a friend's needs.

I give great love and support.

I cheer on the accomplishments of others. I am ridiculously proud of them and encourage them to keep going, they just did something they should be proud of and their amazing accomplishment is something to be seen as the wondrous thing it is.

I celebrate all of the good in life. I will be there for others to celebrate their good, and I will be there to help them see the good in a situation where they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

I help get through the bad periods in life. All of the bad people deal with, I help them deal with, cope with, move on from, live through, get through, and see the brighter side of, to see through the dark times and to shine that brilliant light.

I am a Breeacon of joy and positivity.

I have so many lived experiences, I can weigh in on nearly any experience, but I also have a fairly good sense of when it's unwanted, and can stay back and just give that love.

I have an amazing capacity for love.

I have nothing but love to give to the world.

I see the beauty in so many who otherwise wouldn't see it.

I see so much good in so many things.

I see the world for the beautiful, wonderful place it is, and all the beautiful amazing people within, who I love to uplift.

I love everyone so much. And while I am human, while I am limited in my capacity to provide love to a finite amount, and as a consequence some receive more love than others, that does not diminish that I have the love for all, I just have the limitation of not being able to express it to everyone to the capacity they so truly deserve from me.

​I stretch those capacities to the limits, finding ways to love those who I by all rights shouldn't have the time/energy to love, and yet I pull it off at least adequately.

​Every day, I have people who appreciate my humor. Often numbering in the dozens, if not hundreds. People find me funny. Selfishly, I want that to be acknowledged.

Every day, people thank me for the support I give them. Often numbering in the dozens. People appreciate me. People think I make their lives be better. Selfishly, I want that to be seen and accepted as true.

Every day, I have people who thank me for weighing in with my advice, my perspective, my support. An average of three to twelve people per day go through a trying experience, see my input, and come out of that feeling better, feeling more direction, feeling like they have more positive outlooks on their future than what they had before.

Every day, the love I give others makes a difference in their life.

I am a healer.

Time and time again, I have been told I heal people.

I get better and better with time at healing others.

The more experiences I go through, the more I help others, the better I get at helping others.

Selfishly, I want that to be seen as true, and known as a quality I should be known for.

I do have to give the obvious caveat. I suck at healing those who I have hurt, and the number of people I have hurt is plenty. A lot of the people who I hurt got badly hurt, in part because of how much I helped them before, in part because I was a healer for them. Having their positive outlook on me shattered hurt deeply and made bad wounds which only got worse by every time I botched the healing process.

But selfishly, I want my growth in recognizing these limitations recognized.

Selfishly, I want the betterment of my approach to be recognized--that I am working on it, that I am improving, that I am working to be better at not making things worse.

In a very direct, very blunt, very thorough reading I got done, I got the clearest possible reading that was as unambiguous as it could be in telling me what to do:

I need to come from a place of love, not from a place of trying to fix things.

I have not mastered this skill. The best I can really think of is to focus on listening to them. To go, basically, "okay. <3", where I listen and show I am listening. Where I am not saying too much, where I am not trying to fix things, but where I show I am listening, that I have learned, and I am here to hear them. I shouldn't explain unless explicitly asked to give my perspective, and I shouldn't say nothing at all. In the past I made the mistake of not conveying that I am hearing them, and in the past I made the mistake of trying to fix things by explaining to them. I need to do neither, and convey just that I am listening, I am absorbing, I am there, I am taking it all in.

And I know. That's probably not the best way to "come from a place of love". It is still a skill I am learning. I know I need to come from a place of love and a lot of my focus has been on getting better and better at coming from that place of love.

Selfishly, I want people to acknowledge I have made that growth, I am putting in that effort, I have gotten better and better at empathizing, I am better at seeing the perspective of others, I am validating them, I am acknowledging them, I am respecting them, and I am working on helping the healing process.

Selfishly, I want to be seen as having made a great deal of growth in being a healer and healing even those that I have hurt.

I am listening.

I am giving love.

I hear them.

I have nothing but love for them. And selfishly, I want them to see that, too. That I do have that overwhelming love for them. Perhaps too much, and that's fair. It's fair if my love is too much, if it's overwhelming. I learned that lesson years ago actually, and since then have tapered off on being smothering with love, to a level far more appropriate. Selfishly, I want them to see that I love them, in a pure way, that I give to them freely as much as their boundaries allow me to.

And, selfishly, I want it to be acknowledged I do respect those boundaries, to the best of my knowledge, to the best of my ability. I clearly have crossed some, no matter how accidentally, no matter how unintentionally, but I corrected the behavior, I learned from it, and got better and better at following it.

Selfishly, I want that I have grown and am still be growing to be seen and acknowledged.

​It's also very hard for me to write this blog, even labeling it as selfish, because of my natural fears and inclinations.

I am terrified that the good I have done will be destroyed by acknowledging it is good I have done.

I am always worried that by admitting I have done good, the good I have done will be corrupted, tainted by a "clearly, I did this for an ulterior motive", that by having seen it as good it will stop having been good.

Selfishly, I want to take that risk.

It's very hard for me to say all these good things about myself.

I always worry about being a braggart.

I am terrified I will cave to narcissistic behavior from having acknowledged all these positives.

I am always worried about somehow deluding myself into somehow thinking I am better than I actually am.

After all, how could I be good when I know all the harm I've caused and am here, just writing about all of these alleged positivities? How can I talk myself into thinking I do good despite knowing all the harm I cause? It's difficult to put this out, because it always feels like I am making it all up, that I am twisting reality and ignoring things how they are.

...And yet...

...the true twist of reality is that mindset.

Every reading I have gotten has told me the exact same thing.

​Every time, I keep being told, I need to do self-love.

Every reading, I am getting told to acknowledge I have a lot of good traits.

Every time, I am being told not to bad-mouth myself.

Every reading, I am being told to reframe things and see the good in me.

Every time, I am told, I need to acknowledge, I am good, I deserve good, and that I do good.

I keep being told over and over again, to be proud. Be proud of myself, be proud of what I have done, be proud of what I do.

That I have skills, I have talents, I have merits, things that I am good at doing without even realizing I am doing it and doing it well.

Every time, I get a reading telling me to hold my head high, and accept my accomplishments.

To accept all the good, and how much I have grown. I have grown so much. I am doing great.

I get told to keep going with what I am doing, to keep growing as I have been.

I struggle to accept these things, because my anxieties and my imposter syndrome keep telling me I am delusional to think I am great, that I am living a life worth living.

I focus on the negatives, I focus on the bad, I focus on the flaws, on everything which has gone wrong, on all the pain, and I see it, amplify it, and make it worse, because that's all I can see in myself, I see myself as the darkness I fear within me. My depression makes me see all of the bad and think maybe those who see me negatively are in the right and that the world would be better without me.

...And yet...the true delusion is those anxieties.

My imposter syndrome clouds my ability to see what I should be acknowledging.

So as selfish as it is...please. Let me acknowledge it.

I am growing.
I am learning.
I impart my wisdom onto others.

I have grown from being nothing but a student, into the role where I am equal parts both.

Or even to the point where I am more teacher than student.

People come to me seeking advice on plurality, despite my mental perception of me not being an expert.

People come to me about LGBTQIA+ matters, despite my mental perception of having much to learn.

People come to me to help overcome loss, to overcome grief, to overcome negativity, despite my hurdles with overcoming them.

I am seen as a leader, as an important member of the community, as a teacher, as a healer, who can help them.

​So let me be selfish, by embracing that I am those roles, and that my life is a beautiful one with much to offer.

...but I do know where I want to focus.

I want to stop stressing about finances and success.

I know I can succeed. As long as I am doing the thing, I will. I may not know what I need to do exactly, I know I still have much to learn, but I also know to manifest it I need to believe I am manifesting it. I need to believe I can. I need to believe I can succeed. I need to stop doubting myself. I have talked the talk--it's time to create. I know what I am aiming to do, so I am going to do it. It will require me to learn things I haven't learned yet (and I'm not sure what), but I am going to do it.

I'm not quite clicking with what, but I know what not to think, I know better than to give up. So all I can really do is keep going forward.

I'm going to have the success I'm looking forward. The work builds on itself. I can do it. I'm not sure where to learn tbh, and that's an issue I need to fix, but, I will figure it out and go forward.

I want to make a real blog in the 20th - 23rd range (you'll see why), so you can look forward to that, but largely, I'm too busy/tired to do much of much.

I got roles working on discord, and twitch stream went well. I can't do much rn, but I'm planning on potentially doing a blog update stream where I idly work on getting my wix blog up to date.  It'll need trigger warnings and a recognition I was in a bad mindstate and have grown and progressed and past me isn't current me. But, I still want to do it. (EDIT BEFORE POSTING: ...well maybe next time, cards demanded novelwriting. Very strongly.)
​
I got some really good tarot readings today, basically saying I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve self-love. I deserve to love myself, and be loved by others. I need to be careful not to overextend myself and burn out by taking on too many things at once, and I will only be able to love so many at once, but I am beautiful. I have grown, and those who are or have entered my life see me and love me as I am. I am doing good work and going on a good journey.

I wish I could retain specifics from readings better, particularly ones that are as loving and detailed and long and thorough as this one was. But basically, it paired well with the prior thorough reading I got. I need to approach from love, and let go of trying to fix things. I may not know how to speak from a place of love, but I will learn. I will keep trying, and eventually my guides believe I'll succeed, in approaching from love and expressing things through it.

I am trying my best.

And I am trying to spread self-love.

On that note, I had a mantra to help get me get through the morning.

My negative emotions are born from pain, and I can wash it away by embracing the love underneath.

To explain that, 
My conscious self has nothing but endless love to give, but my shadow self has negative intrusive feelings and thoughts which despite my best efforts have plagued me.

These negative emotions are born from deep pain in me.

By recognizing that the negativity originates from pain, I gain some power.

And by recognizing that the pain is born from the same love my conscious self has, that underneath the pain is more love, I can master my pain by embracing that love.

It seems to be working now for me, so if any here need it, I’m giving it to everyone. 

Love may cause a great many wounds, but it can heal those very same wounds. 💖

You can do it. I Breelieve in you.

...but not nearly enough time.
My fiance came with me to work today (they felt it was needed and tbh they probably were right) and was tired when we got home so cleaning didn't get done.

I had a lot of uplifting things happen and I feel a lot better.

I have a ton to be proud of, but a ton not getting done.

My bills are likely overdue and still not paid.

I'm probably still making the wrong choices--for instance, a couple hours ago I asked myself "do I send (a type of message) to (a person)", but I ultimately felt it'd have been a mistake even with the best wording so opted out, and I'll always wonder/ask myself if that was the correct call and I likely never will know. (In general, I am naturally reactive. I don't show proactivity and proactively reach out, but I always wonder if it's the right thing to do to wait for someone to reach out to me with the appropriate action on my end being doing nothing until they do, or if I should be doing more than I am. AS FAR AS I KNOW, waiting is the better option, but again...I dunno.)

Today I was largely more positive, so my exercise in getting a better mental yesterday partially worked--not fully, which is why having my fiance helped a lot, but today was mostly more in the positive realm. I did dwell an uncomfortably long time on hypothetical what-ifs I never want to visit yet instinctively keep around as intrusive thoughts, but instead of dominating for ALL of the day, it was only a small part of the day and I was able to shake them off and get more healthy thoughts going.

I did story stuff today, albeit just a bit of notekeeping. Still proud of doing it as it's been weeks maybe months since I last did and I've been wanting to do that for a long while.

I'm not going to get everything I want to do done today but that's okay. Any deadlines on things like getting a new streaming software or my discord bots to have reactions for roles to be auto-assigned are purely arbitrary and did not need to strictly be done today. And there's always tomorrow.

I wrote some lovely messages and spread them to maybe too many discords. Well, it was only two or three messages with one of them copypasted across almost all of them--I wrote that message for one server, but I ended up feeling it shouldn't be limited to just there. It just felt right to spread it around to share that love, kindness, and affection to others.

And maybe, I should also share it on here. I know (other than my fiance reading over my shoulder which to be clear is okay and I am okay with it and it's lovely and I love you so much my love and it's okay and I do mean it) that nobody really reads my blogs outside of maybe when I advertise them or random checkins (I don't have a consistent daily viewerbase despite the blogs themselves being daily--and that's okay, just stating I know it is the case), but in case anyone does do those random checkins and sees this, or in case this blog gets seen when I next advertise it, or in case the blog gets regular viewership, or in case the blog gets someone at some future point deciding to bingeread and they stumble into here or in case someone looks at the tags and spots this, basically in case anyone by any method sees this, it bears repeating for everyone.

This is the kind of message I aim to spread to everyone in my life this year, as long as they will let me. (And I know, there are those who won't, and that's okay. That's valid. I will wish them well regardless even if they wish nothing to do with me, but I will respect their boundaries. As long as I know what they are, I will never cross them.)

I resolved to spread joy and positivity, and it starts with messages like this.

​Don’t worry about any setbacks. You are still doing good regardless of them.

Don’t worry too much about what you’re not doing. It’s okay. There’s a finite amount of time in any given day. You can’t do everything you want to in any given day. You will always give something up, and you will probably be inclined to lament the loss of that thing, but you have your whole life ahead of you. 

It’s never too late. You can and should focus on what you believe is the most important thing in your life on the given day, and It’s okay if what that is, changes.

You can find a way to balance eventually, no matter how long it takes. 💖


And on top of that, I also wanted to add more. I will always be around to help, as long as I am able to, in any way I can.
I will always have my DMs open.
I will accept any request.
I will do anything for those who I would gladly call my friend.
And I call plenty of people friend gladly, including plenty who probably would prefer I not.
Regardless, I will be there for a friend, always, in any way they want me to be.

I will always show my love.

I know there are a bunch of people in pain. The pain is active, the pain is real, the hurt is there. The fallout of past actions had consequences which left longlasting hurt and damage and left so much harm which hasn't healed. And perhaps never will. But while I can't do anything for those who don't want me to do anything, if they do want me to do something I will do whatever I can to help them in any way shape or form.

A lot has changed, and things will never be the same. I'm the same I've always been, but I've also changed. (For the better I feel.) And that applies for all people, too. They change. Their perceptions change. Their lives change. They face turmoil. They face pain. But I will do whatever I can to spread words of positivity and affirmations and give them a bit of joy.

I will not be perfect, but I will offer the reassurance I can, as I can. I will strive to make everyone's lives be better, including giving them a fresh outlook on things, to build on what they have. And you, my lovely reader, are part of that.

I know my words are just words, they probably don't offer as much impact as I would want them to. So this message is temporary, perhaps lasting only seconds, or minutes, maybe if I'm lucky can last you a day. It won't stick, no matter how much I wish it would, but I offer it all the same because so much as a single second better is worth it in the end so take this message with you.

You are loved.
You have such amazing and wonderful love, compassion, and care to give to others and the world, which you do.
You are talented. You have a good sense of humor. You are nerdy. You are worth spending time around, and you are worth being invested in.
You are enough as you are. You are good enough. You deserve all the good things you have.
You are going to go far in life. You are going to accomplish great things.
You have made an impact in life, more than you know, and you make it just by existing.
You matter. You are seen. You are loved.
And yes, life is not perfect. Not everything will go right. There will be challenges. There will be setbacks. There will be hurdles. But you are remarkably adept at overcoming them, more than you know, and that is beautiful. And if you decide not to, then whatever you pivot to? Just as amazing and wonderful.
You are incredible.
You can do it.
You can get through the trials and tribulations.
You make a difference. And you are memorable.
I truly hope you can some day accept at least some of these things as true. I know it's hard to show that self-love, but just know I truly believe this of you, and if I believe it of you, then you can eventually too.

​Much love.