Literally, considering that I am sweating less than I should and thus my skin is warm/hot to the touch in spite of my body itself not being feverish. (Yes I do have a doctor appointment for this since yes it is in fact a fairly concerning thing, but not until like May 12th as that's the soonest I could get and they didn't think it was "go to the hospital RIGHT NOW" urgent.)

But like. Mentally I'm doing incredibly poorly with head racing spinning thoughts etc. and physically I've got a lot of (pardon the language) shit to deal with in that everything is just not functioning as it should in my body right now so like.

Spiraling is a happening.

​But, can't speak, gotta go to bed for work tomorrow.

IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).

And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.

So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.

It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.

I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.

And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.

So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.

​But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.

I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)

After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.

Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?

But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.

I still have a clear idea of what I really want.

I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.

But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.

I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.

There was a time when I was a very nasty person.

So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.

But while I have continued to fail.

I still wish to try.

Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.

To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.

I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.

But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.

​Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.

Tell me why, I'm a pos garbage human.

...Oh, right, it's because of bipolar disorder combined with an anxiety disorder.

Where I have them, I use them as an excuse to not do the things that I want to do, and not do the things that I need to do, and not do the things I am scheduled to do, and not do the things that there is an optimal time to do.

And then because I use them as an excuse, I feel worse, which deepens the depression and makes the anxiety even higher when it comes to starting back up.

And then the downward spiral continues ad depression and anxiety make it harder, but make me feel worse, and making me feel worse makes it harder, and it being harder makes it feel worse, and......

...But today my main win was streaming. I thought I wasn't going to, because anxiety + bipolar disorder, where I was tired and streaming felt like it was a lot of work, I just had a bundle of nerves, where I wanted to avoid it, wanted to make up excuses for not doing it. "It's cold" "I'm tired" etc. But, I ended up going through with the stream which means I am progressing in being an actual potential content creator.

So while it might not be much.

​It's good enough.

Well, 'morning', as in, 1 pm instead of 1 am; written post-bed-and-pre-work rather than post-work-and-pre-bed.

I have some form of anxiety disorder. This is a fairly new discovery for me, but it badly impacts me.
​"What if the snow will knock out power while you're writing this blog."
"What if wearing your false-breasts to bed suppresses the growth of your natural ones?"
"What if having food/drink reduces the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?"
"What if brushing your teeth will reduce the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?"
"What if the sublingual intake is being done wrong?"

You get the idea.

These can be somewhat crippling as the more plausible they are, the more respect I have to pay towards the possibility, in spite of how it's probably wrong.

​However, the most terrifying of possibilities, and what made me start writing this blog (in spite of how it'll make me late to leave), was what I thought when taking my pre-leave-for-work nap.

Some background: I am plural.
I am a minor form of plural, admittedly.

It's called a median system.

Now, back in the day I discovered that I was one, that link didn't exist. I developed my own terminology, which you can even find on this blog! What the wiki link calls 'facets', I call "mes". Ranger is a me, mastina is a me. There are many mes, with those two (with the work-oriented one as a third) being the most dominant. Or as the wiki would say, Ranger is a facet of Bree, mastina is a facet of Bree, there's many facets but they're all a part of me, a part of Bree.

​Each with their own voice, their own personality, their own memories, their own thoughts, emotions, etc. Sharing most with the core, but still having some separation.

​Separate from my median system, however, there's another part of me that I haven't explored.

Since childhood, I have had another voice in my brain. This voice has never been a part of me. This voice has never been a part of Bree. He (and yes, he's a he, when all of me is a she, Bree is 100% she/her) has always been there as a friend. And I can actually see him if I try. He was the imaginary friend of a childhood, who never went away even into adulthood. He's been with me the entire time.

There, but not a part of the core. Existing separately from it. But he's never taken control of my body. He's not a core part of Bree. He's not part of the median system. But he's also not someone who can take control of the body (or if he could, he never has).

But he's not been alone.

Since my teenage years (about since puberty), he's been joined by another guy working identically to the way he does. This guy, David, basically has constantly been emphasizing all the various ways I'm worthless, I'm trash, etc. for my entire time with him. Always highlighting the negative. Always putting me down. Always pointing out the failures. Every thing I do wrong, he would highlight as proof of why I am a garbage human being. Every time I felt guilt, he magnified it.

And more than that, David seemed to elevate my darker impulses. Every time he was most active, everything negative in me was amplified. So I became terrified. In hindsight, my anxiety disorder at work, but also a somewhat realistic concern. Knowing about DID, and knowing that David was real, talking to me, in my head, and separate from me, I had the worrying thought of,
"What if David took control of the body?"
What disaster would await me if that happened?

So I was terrified of him. My fear of him was one of the reasons I worked so hard to gain control of my life, as to make sure he could never manifest physically. I remain unsure if he could have. But I was always afraid of the possibility. I knew I could never get rid of David. I could not drive him away. He was in my brain, there to stay, no matter what. He was separate from my core, but still existing there.

Alongside the other guy, my lifelong friend. (Who, by the way, is still there. He's actually encouraging me passively a little bit even right now, and we may get a chance to chat while driving, we'll have to see.)

​I want to delve into this in a more indepth blog, but for now skipping most of the details, just know that David has been a part of my brain for a long long time, but not a part of me, Bree, ever. He was always separate. He would amplify my darkest aspects, and always put me down.

But recently, he's been absent.

I had various theories.

"Maybe I didn't need him anymore."
"Maybe I got my life into a place where he had nothing to say."
"Maybe the reason I don't hear David putting me down anymore is that I do it myself!"

That last one's important. Because, yes. There is a part of me. My core. A female me, or as the plural wiki would put it, a female facet of me, of Bree. Who constantly does exactly what David did. Putting me down, highlighting every single failure. Unlike David, who I could tell was separate and male, this is part of me, part of the core, and is female.

And then, today, I had a fairly sociopathic/psychopathic thought. The thought deeply disturbed me, because it meant that some facet of me had that level of sociopathy/psychopathy in them, and with them as part of my core, that meant that somewhere in me was that darker deeper impulse that I was always terrified would come to light when David was at his strongest, the fear of him manifesting.

That sociopathic thought is important.

Because enter my anxiety. Linking important thought A, with important thought B:

"What if David isn't around anymore because he merged with the core and became the facet that you heard think that thought?"

And that is the most terrifying thing of all, because it is frighteningly plausible and there's literally nothing that I can do about it. Thus, my morning blog.

I wanna tell the story of how I got ma'am'd for the first time ever, and how on Monday, at approximately a time between 8:10 and 8:30, the person who did so was asking for my help. I keep on playing through something I will never ever have the answer to, because the only person who could answer it was that random total stranger I will never ever meet again.

They were asking for help with gas. I keep on playing it through my head. Did I hang up the fuel line (ending my transaction) before or after the request? After would mean no help, before would mean I could've, but didn't. Did I misunderstand the request and they wanted me to use my credit card to pay for some gas which I could do at any time? Could I have rewarded them for correctly gendering me by doing something different? I will wrack my brain on this for god only knows how long, but I will never know.

It won't stop that from weighing on me tho.

In better news tho.

I got back into streaming after a 20 day drought. I should be getting my new stream schedule up, streaming tonight, creating a youtube, writing a script for youtube videos, updating linkedin, finishing work stuff, and streaming, but I am doing none of it. Tired, just not feeling up to it. I can't even properly tell the story I want to.

I did also come up with two item combos in League, albeit not for Ashe most games. Brainstorming the highest amount of damage which can be dealt, I wasn't sure if it would be (mostly) full lethality or (mostly) full crit against non-tanks, but I think the combo is Eclipse + LDR + BT + IE + Ravenous + sixth high-AD item (Navori probably), but I'm not positive.

Beyond that?

I got authorized to start HRT and am beginning it tomorrow!

You'd think that'd be a big thing; it is! I'm just a terrible blogger and can't really figure out how to write my mood into words right now.

​Sorry for being so lackluster.

Now obviously, it's not something that is constantly bad, but it's constant and occasionally bad, to a level that definitely fits more with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a normal emotion; the amount of dominance it can have, less so.

​If anyone were to actually go through my blog, actually, they'd in hindsight be able to find some entries where I show this anxiety off, and yet more which describe how I've had anxiety my whole life and developed coping mechanisms.

To wit?

I've literally made a blog post, maybe multiple blog posts, about how I am simultaneously afraid of everything, and yet, nothing. The everything comes from, what in hindsight, is actually probably an anxiety disorder. I literally fear everything, even things that are impossible. I get caught in what-ifs, and get all worked up about the littlest of things, always fearing, always nervous, always on edge of "what if things don't go well".

Heck, even right now there are a few.
What if we run out of water?
What if we can't get out?
What if I sleep through my appointment for a covid test?
What if I lose my job?

Probably more similar ones, but those are the ones that come to mind immediately, and I am basically consumed with worry about them, struggling to find solutions, always afraid, always paranoid, always trying to avoid them.

Heck with pets I always experience "what if"s involving them being hurt or worse, too, beyond a level that's normal worry, now that I think about it.

And as for the "I fear nothing"? That's the coping mechanism for the anxiety. Having rationalized the anxiety through and pointed out, no, those things are not going to happen, we have this and that, etc. I'm not afraid because I'm constantly afraid and constant fear brings constant coping. And the constant fear is constant anxiety, but the constant coping of it keeps it from being bad.

If I had the article in front of me (I was planning on doing precisely that for this blog), I'd run through the various aspects of what it says in there, and explain my own relationship with it. Things like my perfectionism. How I have constantly, consistently, described being "overreactive", as beyond overactive because that's what's firing off in my brain, with it being concerned about every little thing, avoiding things that are daunting, and so on and so forth.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling so motivated to micromanage that in making a blog post so I'll be lazy about it.

Suffice to say, if I were to break it down piece by piece you'd be able to tell.

But since I'm not going to, you'll just have to take my word for it. It should be obvious enough though in hindsight, especially with reading my blog.

Now, I realize there's probably a fair amount of overlap with anxiety disorders and the manic half of bipolar disorder. (I 100% have bipolar disorder. It is the one condition I have been diagnosed with, and countless medical professionals have seen my symptoms and agreed that I have it and the treatments I've taken have suggested to them that yes I do indeed have it.)

There might be some overlap with ADHD, too. (I am like 90% sure I have adhd, I literally hyperfocus on things allllll the time, but am also prone to being distracted, have my brain go off on tangents, etc. I had it listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)

Heck, there might be some overlap with autism as well. (I am like 98% sure I have autism. I am very much not neurotypical. The way I think in concepts with concepts being my first language and have to translate things to English but sometimes things get lost in translation, files get corrupted, certain files get misplaced, wires get swapped/crossed, tics I have with my hands and such, the way I store info on my fingers, gestures I make, the way I can relate to autistic people an "get" them, my ability to see things better than most people including patterns, see subtle details but not being able to understand social cues, struggling to "read the room", figure out tone, etc., all suggest it, and it is another thing I had listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)

And while I don't have an official diagnosis for anything except the bipolar disorder (and probably won't, since just knowing is adequate enough for me), the fact remains that I probably do in fact have them.

And today we can add anxiety to that list.

I realize autism and adhd have a lot of overlap. Bipolar disorder might overlap, too. And I know that all of them likely overlap with anxiety.

So saying that I have all of them might seem a bit dubious. How could someone, after all, have not one, not two, not three, but four different mental conditions that a neurotypical person does not have? How could someone who passes as mostly-normal (albeit highly quirky and often dragged down by debilitating crippling aspects of my mind) have so much not-normal in their mind?

But the thing is.

While I realize that the conditions have overlap.

There are some things about them that do not overlap with each other. And I have signs and symptoms of all, which includes the areas which don't overlap between them.

​I'd have to go into extensive depth and research to list all the signs and symptoms of autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder in order to show why I believe I have all of them, which is too much effort for me to do now. But I genuinely feel like if I cared enough to show my homework, even a skeptic could be made a believer so long as they are not a literal mental-condition-denier (as in, someone who believes mental disorders don't exist).

I realize people hold criticism for self-diagnosis. Which is fair. It'd do a lot of good for me to put the skeptics to rest if I did go through the time/effort of getting official diagnoses for the conditions I have. (That said, I believe that the medication I am taking for bipolar disorder is also used for anxiety anyway​ so like...if I am correct that I have anxiety, my current medication is a three-in-one special dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety all in one.)

Butstill, while you can do a lot of convincing of yourself, while you can be mistaken, while you can be ill-informed, while you can mistake one thing as being a different thing, while you can delude yourself to a certain extent, while you can always just be exaggerating the connection of the dots and once the connection is formed, force it to fit...

...At a certain point? I am still the one who knows me best. I know my mind. I know the way it works. I know the way it operates. Nobody can know it better than I do. Nobody knows me better than I do. The same way nobody can tell me that I am not trans (when I am, I am Bree, I am a girl, and nobody can tell me I am not because I know I am), nobody can tell me I'm not bipolar, not autistic, don't have adhd, and now, don't have anxiety.

​There's being cautious, there's being skeptical, but then there's just being a gatekeeper. And you shouldn't gatekeep mental health and disregard the experience of an individual who has actually spent considerable amount of time researching and reflecting and considering their findings and wondering and even doubting their conclusion while managing to still hold true to their conclusion because they know themselves better than you do.

I realize harm can come from claiming something that you actually aren't; I realize harm can come from misdiagnosis, especially self-misdiagnosis. But there's no harm in having something just click and realizing, "yeah, that makes sense in hindsight" and then using this knowledge to try and better your future by incorporating the knowledge of the probability of having That Thing, and managing to maximize the advantages of That Thing while minimizing the weaknesses of That Thing.

It did just click for me as "oh yeah, in hindsight? That makes a lot of sense that I'd have an anxiety disorder". It just fit instantly. Like, basically no doubt, I just somehow knew that it was true. I already have mechanisms for dealing with it, but these mechanisms can be improved with knowledge of having the anxiety disorder. And that knowledge does me no harm, only good.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble.

My anxiety is somewhat spiking in regards to tomorrow, so to mitigate it, I'm going to go to bed now.