I just feel.
Worthless.
I don't know why.

I just.
I just.

I'm very very obviously. Depressed.
I don't know why.
Just.
Feeling like trash.
That I'm not good.
That I've wasted every opportunity I've had, to do...anything.
And just.

Have withered away into being.

Nothing.

I feel like I am nothing.
I feel like I am nobody.
And I feel like that's not okay--which makes the feeling even worse.

I can rationally think of logical counters to that.
Logical reasons why being nobody wouldn't be bad; I've blogged about the benefits of it before.
Less than a week ago I had someone tell me how much of a difference in their life I made, without me knowing it, just from something I happened to have long-since forgotten about having been something notable at the time.
Less than a week ago, I had people point out my contributions to having done something significant.

So rationally I should be able to counter those feelings.
Rationally. Should.

Should, not can.

Because those feelings are more or less.
Caving in on me.
With me just.
Feeling.

Like I'm not.
Anything of any good.

I just have lots and lots of regrets right now.
And they're getting worse and worse and worse.
With no way of getting better.

I just.
I want to be happy.

Right now the best I've managed is to numb the pain, to dull it out, to keep myself entertained--by doing things that are fun, by doing things that kill time, by doing things that are mindless. Watching streams. Playing Minecraft. The like. Those things help push the feeling of sadness, despair, away, temporarily.

They do not remove the feelings.
Just keep them at bay until moments like this, before bed, when I don't have the time to do any of those things productively. And then. The feelings just.
Come rushing in.

I want to feel happy.
I want to feel actual, real, legitimate joy.

I want to be happy right now.
But all I feel like doing is crying right now.
Because there's nothing which can give me that happiness long-term.
At least.
Nothing that I can think of.
Nothing that I can do on my own.

I just.
Feel powerless.
Worthless.
And like.

I don't know what to do.
​Just...going to get bed prep done and go to bed I guess since I do work tomorrow.

I mean. There's boatloads of stuff I could've blogged about.
But I just...completely and utterly, totally...am having...nothing that I can think of to put here.

​Sorry.

Some of it, catching up on life stuff.
Some of it, doing gaming stuff. Minecraft, League, TFT.
I also went to the dentist.
Unfortunately, it's something like three strikes you're out.
Last year, I had bad teeth, but passed.
Six months ago, I had the worst teeth, but passed.

Today, I was told I had less plaque than I did last time--which is good!
...Except there was one confirmed cavity with three other possible cavities.
Which is worse.

It'd be better to have no cavities and the worst plaque ever, than to have far less plaque than normal yet have cavities.

So, could be worse--but also could be much, much better.

I did get some pointers though.
I noticed that when I was brushing my teeth, in spite of brushing the front of my teeth, I wasn't getting the gums, particularly on the front four or so teeth particularly the top ones (which incidentally are where the cavity/cavities are). I was also advised to lightly brush against them rather than scrub them--scrubbing the gums apparently can actually hurt them. Since my response to realizing I wasn't brushing there was to do precisely that, scrub them...this helps!

Basically, on my own, I realized (far, far too late) I was not doing things right...but my correction wasn't helpful, and the dentist gave me a better way to do it. Said correction and advice still came too late to prevent the cavity/cavities, but it was something which was useful to have, for future reference.

Consequences of not taking proper care of myself, even if not conscious.

​Ah well.

I had the time, but I made the choice not to. Instead, I decided to do stuff like play a little Minecraft and mainly, play some ranked games of League.

...Yes, willingly.
With no quests.
I undertook the ranked game section, deciding "screw it, I'll play my style" and running my build and...

...Well.

It was actually really fun.

I did get some flame, but nothing along the lines of "report Ashe". (There were plenty of pings for my build and one person asking me once if I was trying to demote--something which should've been painfully obviously not the case given I've not played ten games and am sitting at Iron II anyway, but I digress. But nothing worse than that.)

It was just actually fun to play and mostly friendly.

Mind you, only won one of the games I played (albeit one of the losses being entirely one enemy champion, Darius, being able to, UNDER OUR TOWER, 1v5, get three kills, and destroy the turret, before we could kill him, due to how fed he was, since we could win any 4v4 without him yet any fight with him we'd lose), butstill.

It was fun in spite of the mostly-losses.

I played dismally overall in most games, mind you.

But nothing new there.

Going into today, I knew that if Dignitas didn't mess up their draft, they could win.
They had an amazing first half of their draft.
 Bans? Onpoint. First three picks? Onpoint. Secondround bans? Onpoint. They removed almost every power pick midlaner from the game. Ori, LeBlanc, Syndra, all banned--they left one, and ONLY one, open: Zoe. So I was like, "Yesssss...now if they pick Zoe, they hard-win this game!"

...And then they picked Jarvan.
And wouldn't you know it?

Sure enough...TL instalock in the Zoe which Dignitas needed to have picked.

​It's just...so, so disappointing.

...I figured I'd mention it here since might as well.
I wrote what's a bit of a jingle. I didn't write a full song even though I wanted to, but this is about really good nutrition:

Oooo
You're so good it's lewd
I wanna eat you
Delicious delicious food

Oooo
You're so good it's lewd
I wanna eat you
Delicious delicious food



​...I feel like I could flesh that out into more, but I thought of it while I was eating dinner and thought that it was something that was remarkably entertaining so may as well blog about it even though I didn't flesh it out into something proper.

I did a ton of catchup work and did almost everything I needed to do.
I did a ton of stuff, got remarkably closer to having my life in order, just...did almost everything I needed to.
...But I missed one thing.

My blog.

WHOOPS.

Oh, well.

Anyway--today woke up at 11:30ish so got to catch the last two LEC matches pretty much, and am watching the LCS matches. So far, disastrous; 100 Thieves needed to win.

We'll have to see if the trend continues. C9 needs to win; Dignitas needs to win; Flyquest needs to lose so Golden Guardians need to win.

Of those, the only one I am actually having hope for is the C9 one.

​Doesn't change who I want tho.

Did I do anything today?
I don't think I did.
I mean.
I watched fogged's team win twitch rivals.
I danced for the first time in a month.
I watched as much of the OPL as I could (I missed the beginning due to the dance, until 10:30).
I watched some of the LCK. (I feel like one of the announcers utterly misses the point of black cleaver on Sett--it's not for the passives, it's for the stats, similar to why you build Essence Reaver on Tryndamere. Black Cleaver gives more health and attack damage than trinity force and Sett's damage-dealing ability scales off of those stats specifically, a fact he doesn't seem to acknowledge. Does that mean Black Cleaver is better on Sett or that he's wrong to advocate for Trinity? Ehhh, I used to think so, now I'm not sure due to the Sett nerfs, with the changes it's not clear-cut, though if black cleaver is inferior, it's not for the reasons he keeps bringing up, because again, black cleaver's passives aren't the reason it's built on Sett, black cleaver being a raw damage item and one of the highest-health items in the game are the reasons it's built on him, but I digress.)

​But that's it.

The amount of required, mandatory, tutorials was incredibly annoying, though I appreciated the optional tutorials offered.

I kinda lost interest when I couldn't figure out how to obtain Ashe though--I was under the distinct impression that you could get the exact type of deck that you wanted, no need for blind random luck to get the cards you were after. And yet if such functionality exists (which I was under the impression it did, because...that's kinda...the thing Riot said their card game would have which other card games don't? Like...they literally said, "other card games don't let you choose which cards you get, but we will", and yet...I can't?), I sure can't figure out how.

So once again, interest is kinda dead.

It was fun, but like.

I want to build a deck around Ashe and yet because I apparently don't have a way to, for free, from the getgo, from the onset, do that...then I'm just not that interested to be honest. I was promised a game that wouldn't be Pay to Win, and the game looks an awful lot like it is Pay to Win. So maybe I'm missing something, maybe I'm a moron, but like. I looked, couldn't find what I was after, and that's just...well, it kills the interest when the thing the game was advertised as allowing, isn't actually allowed.

One of the very first streamers I ever watched on Twitch was foggedftw2. He's participated in many, many twitch rivals, but sometimes hasn't been drafted and even when he was, his teams usually haven't performed well. This time, his team's gone 7-0 so far and that's quite exciting to me and is always a breath of fresh air to see his team perform remarkably well.

He's still someone who I watch as often as I can, even though he streams during a time where I am usually asleep or when he does have evening streams, am away at work, have other obligations, etc. I still learn from watching him even though he's primarily a toplaner, and while I learn plenty from watching pro matches, sometimes it helps to see champions in action from a streamer.

Like, to put it another way--seeing a champion perform in pro play doesn't teach me how that champion works. Playing a champion in ARAM is supposed to help teach you how that champion works, but since all I end up doing when on those champions is button mashing, I don't really learn from playing them in an ARAM. But watching a stream (or youtube video), I get a much better sense of how a champion works, and details of the game are often easier to observe.

This is one of the reasons why I actually think I've gotten better at the game in spite of playing it a fraction of the time. I watch League streams, and videos, and professional matches, and see the game from multiple angles. Now, obviously. I play Normals, not ranked, and I am an Iron-level player in Oceania a traditionally-considered-weaker region. So I am far from skilled.

But most of that is due to coordination issues. By which, I mean. Reaction time, more or less--pressing my buttons and mouse in the areas they need to be pressed, at the times they need to be pressed. I am dismal at it right now. I miss skill shots I have absolutely no right to miss. I occasionally accidentally send volleys backwards rather than forwards, or worse, enchanted crystal arrows. I press the wrong buttons, or press them at the wrong time, have poor coordination, just, all-around lack of execution.

And that is what I need to work on, though I don't actually know how to fix it, how to improve on it. But like. I usually understand how many champions work. I have fairly good awareness of the map, most of the time. I usually have a fair sense of what is happening, what needs to be done, and so on and so forth. Just, a fair idea of where the enemy is, what the enemy is doing, how winnable a fight is, and such.

Granted, being good at those things doesn't mean I am great at them. I can be overly focused on my lane and forget to think about the map. I can be engaged so much in a fight on one section of the map that I forget to check on the other side of the map. I can be focused on farming and forget to check around for the enemy champs.

And then there's other things that I am not good at. Like, I am horrible at wave management and while pro play and streamers always talk about wave management and the exact details of it, talking about it doesn't mean I am good at actually executing it and this is one of the main things that try as I might I just can't learn.

And then you throw in the added execution errors, the coordination issues, I get, and that means that even if I do have the high awareness, I can't do much.

To summarize--I am still trash-tier. Utter garbage at the game. I have poor coordination, I have poor wave management, and while I have excellent situational awareness most of the time, I can occasionally have lapses of it which end up costing me/my team a fair amount.

But while I am that bad, the worst of the worst, I still feel like in spite of my (lack of) skills, I am, overall, still improving as a player and I attribute it at least in part to watching pro games and watching streamers like fogged. It's just, some things I may never be able to absorb, and some things absorbing doesn't mean I necessarily know how to execute on them consistently where I'll botch what I was trying due to bad coordination, but like...a fair amount of that knowledge does sink in and give me a much better feel for the game.

Anyway, another thing: apparently, Legends of Runeterra does in fact have a windowed mode, and I launched it and confirmed this to be the case. So I am going to try and play some of it now for a while.