I don't know why.
I'm very very obviously. Depressed.
I don't know why.
Feeling like trash.
That I'm not good.
That I've wasted every opportunity I've had, to do...anything.
Have withered away into being.
I feel like I am nothing.
I feel like I am nobody.
And I feel like that's not okay--which makes the feeling even worse.
I can rationally think of logical counters to that.
Logical reasons why being nobody wouldn't be bad; I've blogged about the benefits of it before.
Less than a week ago I had someone tell me how much of a difference in their life I made, without me knowing it, just from something I happened to have long-since forgotten about having been something notable at the time.
Less than a week ago, I had people point out my contributions to having done something significant.
So rationally I should be able to counter those feelings.
Should, not can.
Because those feelings are more or less.
Caving in on me.
With me just.
Like I'm not.
Anything of any good.
I just have lots and lots of regrets right now.
And they're getting worse and worse and worse.
With no way of getting better.
I want to be happy.
Right now the best I've managed is to numb the pain, to dull it out, to keep myself entertained--by doing things that are fun, by doing things that kill time, by doing things that are mindless. Watching streams. Playing Minecraft. The like. Those things help push the feeling of sadness, despair, away, temporarily.
They do not remove the feelings.
Just keep them at bay until moments like this, before bed, when I don't have the time to do any of those things productively. And then. The feelings just.
Come rushing in.
I want to feel happy.
I want to feel actual, real, legitimate joy.
I want to be happy right now.
But all I feel like doing is crying right now.
Because there's nothing which can give me that happiness long-term.
Nothing that I can think of.
Nothing that I can do on my own.
I don't know what to do.
Just...going to get bed prep done and go to bed I guess since I do work tomorrow.