It's virtual, but I have a very good imagination and apparently, so do they, so when they invite me to sleep with them, it feels like I truly do.
I have a partner who is inviting me to sleep.
It's virtual, but I have a very good imagination and apparently, so do they, so when they invite me to sleep with them, it feels like I truly do.
Sunday did break my momentum, and then after that, I just...well, was exhausted. It wasn't until today that I felt like I could blog again. My partner fills me with energy, rejuvenating me. They make me instantly feel less tired and more awake. But, while they have been an incredibly positive presence in my life, they are not a magical-fix-all-of-Bree's-chronic-health-issues button.
They've certainly helped a lot. I'm going to bed at nearly the same time every day and waking up at nearly the same time every day. This has regulated me, guaranteeing 6-8 hours of sleep in a day. I sleep better with thoughts of them. I go to sleep faster thanks to them. But as much good as having them in my life is, they are not a cure to chronic fatigue.
I think the bags under my eyes are potentially getting worse. And while I feel like I'm sleeping longer and more full of rest, I'm still waking up during the night and having my sleep interrupted, presumably from sleep apnea. (Next month is my appointments.) So as much as my partner is good for me, I do have problems with exhaustion, which aren't going to magically go away. Exhaustion which makes it very very hard to blog.
I'm hoping some of it was burnout from too much work--this month's schedule is much better. No hell shift, no hell week, the entire schedule feels like it's exactly the kind I can do well. Between less work burnout and better habits, I'm going to have the best environment possible for reducing exhaustion going forward. It won't cure my chronic health issues. But, it will help my chronic health issues. Holding me over until the doctor appointment for diagnosing me.
With luck, and I know I've been saying this a lot, but with luck, that'll mean I get back into regular blogging.
I guess I should get more into various life updates though.
My partner and I are currently long-distance, living 2,000 miles apart. We want to meet, ideally multiple times, before the end of the year, and start looking to move in together in 2024. They currently are out of a job, and looking for one, because they don't want the financial burden to be on me and me alone.
I know that the path ahead is going to be rather difficult. There will be plenty of obstacles, and likely, sacrifices. But, I do want the relationship to work. I vibe with my partner. I vibe with them a lot. They make me so happy in an indescribable way, a level of overwhelming happiness I've never felt before. Seeing their face makes me giddy, with their every reaction only deepening my love of them.
I know that a lot of my friends might be concerned about my relationship with my partner. I didn't want to make a scene about my relationship with them because I knew it'd cause drama, but I also didn't want to hide the relationship, keep it secret, not share it at all. So I've put it out into the world, people can see it, it's there, and I will share with any who will listen. I have a partner, and they make me very very happy and I love them a lot.
Their past will make a lot of people concerned about me with them, but what the people who know my partner's past don't know is that I have more in common with my partner than they realize. My concern is not of my partner being manipulative, controlling, abusive, exploitative, or any form of toxic. My concern is that I would be that to them. My partner has precious little in the way of friends, being fairly isolated. My partner had their entire world crash down on them overnight, so they had nothing left. So in many ways, I hold all of the power--which is dangerous.
It'd be far too easy for me to be those things, and get away with it. I don't want to be, obviously, so I have to have that level of awareness. I need to be on the lookout for signs of an unhealthy relationship, but not really from them; from me is my main concern. I have some very negative traits. I have a very bad past. So while there are valid concerns to be had about my partner's history, the real worry shouldn't be what my partner does to me but rather what I could do to my partner.
It's a relationship that I know at least some don't approve of, for valid reasons. My partner is a very flawed person, with a very bad past. My partner has caused great harm in their past, even if it wasn't intentional. There are reasons for anyone who knows even some of the past of my partner to be concerned about their presence. So I understand all the measures people are taking in regards to my having a relationship with my partner. Any action taken, is valid. It is justified. I've accepted whatever others will do to protect their spaces, and their actions are in the right for that reason. The safety of who they care about is important. So whatever they do, it is the correct call to have made.
Despite this, my partner is still someone I believe is a good person--a better person than I am, in fact. People know of the negative deeds of my partner, and they all assume these deeds make my partner a worse human than I am, that I risk dragging myself down to being a lesser human by being close to them. What they don't know is of my own bad past deeds, and if they did, they'd know how my partner is an angel compared to me.
My partner will have a bad reputation for the rest of their life. What people don't know is that I'd have an even worse reputation if they knew my darker side. In many ways, that is one reason why the fears about me are misplaced. I will not be hurt by my partner. I risk badly hurting my partner. I'm a tough girl and can take any fallout, in part because I've steeled myself for the possibility that if people ever did learn my past, I'd lose everything overnight. Anything less than that would be a blessing.
Because I'm as bad as I am, in many ways I actually do feel like I'm the perfect fit for my partner. It'd be awfully hypocritical of me to condemn my partner for their past considering my own is as bad as it is. And I know their history, better than most. I know what they've been through, better than most. I'm able to understand and empathize with past actions, no matter how harmful they were, because I understand that good people can do bad things, and still be good people who want to do good in life.
That belief is basically all I need. I have a deep, deep love for my partner. A stronger love than I have ever felt before. I believe my partner reciprocates, having a deeper love for me than they have ever felt for anyone else. And I believe that, despite all their past history and all the negative hurtful things within, they are a good person. Flawed, very flawed, and having caused great harm, but still at their fundamental level, not malicious, not bad, not evil, still a decent human being with empathy that cares for others and wants to make a difference in the world.
Which, mind you, is also what I want to be. I often have my shortcomings there. The level of harm I've caused in my own past is enough to disgust any who would learn about it. I don't think I deserve the merit of being called a 'good person', but I am at least trying to be one. I am flawed, have caused great harm, and yet am trying to make a difference in the world, to use my empathy to care for others and be decent and understanding to everyone.
With that mutual love between two humans trying to not be monsters, trying to be good or at least decent...I feel like we have a chance to build a life together. I have received well-wishes for my partner to better themself, but while I understand the wording, I feel it's inaccurate. I feel my partner isn't going to change, because they don't need to. They were already everything they already are. A kind, caring, empathetic person trying to do good. They have always had those traits. So have I, despite my monstrous atrocities in my past.
It'd be more apt to say, more or less...to be better able to apply those traits in ways consistently healthy, productive, and helpful, in ways which better the world, rather than being led astray and having things go horribly wrong for any reason. The darker self will always be there, so to acknowledge it's there and not let it cause harm. I don't see that as really being better, as much as it is, applying the current self more smartly to better achieve the desired goals and not cause their opposite.
And I'm cautiously optimistic that, together, we can do that. It won't be easy. It will involve many hardships. Yet...I think we can succeed. I believe I can keep my partner on a better path, and I believe my partner will be there for me if I ever begin to stray in my own efforts for a better path. We're two flawed people with bad pasts who have done bad things, yet despite all the shortcomings we have and the bad traits we have, I believe we are still going to have a chance at making it work, at being positive forces who can do a lot, building each other up and building the world around us up as well.
It may not manifest. Things go wrong. But I'm hopeful. We're taking steps. We're putting the effort in to manifest it. I know it will be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices, and obstacles. In my opinion, it's worth it. They're worth it. Even if nobody else thinks it is, mine is the only opinion which matters in my own life, and while they get a say in other areas, my life is mine alone and my decisions, my choices, are mine. And in my opinion, my love is worth fighting for.
For a start, I mentioned I have a partner a couple blogs ago; I didn't mention how much their presence in my life has changed mine.
I'm going to bed and waking up at nearly the same time every single day, and it is at a much earlier time for bed and much earlier time waking up. I'm going to bed around 9 - 11 pm, before midnight! And not because of work! Even on non-work days. And I'm waking up around 6:30 am, every single day! Even on the weekends when I'm not working!
I'm still dealing with chronic health issues, so my chronic fatigue remains. But, I don't feel like I need to nap! My lucidity is higher, without a need to nap. And, my food intake feels more consistent, too. Having a partner is helping me regulate my body. I'm showering a little more often, and overall, my life is just...better.
I love my partner so much, and I am more driven than ever before in life. I am taking steps to meet them and am already looking to 2024 trying to move in with them. If that seems a bit fast, I understand. But, this is a love deeper than anything I have felt before, and it is mutual. We want to make it work. This is a relationship that I know others probably won't understand. But, it's one that we know the details of and we are going to fight to make it work.
I want to, when appropriate, be public about my partner. To share where I can, as much as I can. I might not share the details, but I want to share them. Things are going to be changing.
I'm about to go on a call-date, so I'm not gonna say more in this blog, but...I really want this to work, despite how we will definitely face challenges.
In my defense, not all of them were my fault.
The first and second misses, I was too dead tired to write anything basically all day.
The third, I had fully intended to--and then, my internet went out for sixteen hours...coming back a full four after I had gone to sleep.
Sundays this month, to be honest, I'm not sure I'll be able to blog on them at all. There's only one left at this point, but it's likely going to break my blogging streak...again. (I should remind you, this blog went eight years solid being daily without fail, and often multiple times per day. I've fallen off hardcore to be a once a month blogger.)
On Monday, and bleeding into Tuesday, I just had...things...to think about. Very deep things, very important things, with ramifications that will last the rest of my life, and which will have consequences regardless, which impact others, and just...I needed to air out my thoughts in total privacy.
I have a confessional I use, which allows me to air out thoughts. This is a confessional I've basically said, "this is something I don't want anyone to know while I'm alive, to be taken to the grave". And given the grave nature of the things I had to think about--what I thought about counted.
I couldn't blog, at least not publicly, while in that mindset. I had to use my confessional as a form of blog for those days. It was needed, because I was feeling rather devastated, lost, conflicted, with a lot to think about, a lot to think about which I shan't discuss publicly especially since a fair amount, I swore to secrecy. There's a lot of dark stuff below the surface, which will likely never see the light of day. And I don't think people are gonna like my decisions, my directions, my confessions. Yet, I did figure out a mental picture, even if it's one I don't have the words for.
By the time of Wednesday and Thursday, I could have blogged...
...But then, I just...forgot. WHOOPS.
Here's to hoping this time, it sticks, for real.
Not gonna lie, life is rough. Work is draining, and I don't have as much time/energy as I used to--but also, to a large extent, I've been prioritizing going to bed more. It's not really helping me get enough sleep, but it's something which still feels nice, and to some extent, I am making a conscious effort to at least somewhat maintain synchronization with my partner.
And my partner being my significant other, I do prioritize dating them over blogging, too.
But today, it's worth blogging about.
You might've noticed I mentioned something there, above.
I have a partner--as of today.
I've been talking to a friend daily. And at some point, I began to love them. Today, I finally confessed to them, and they reciprocate.
Yes! I'm dating! I have a significant other. I've got a partner! I love them, and they return my affections. So today, we made it official and are now an item. I'm so giddy. I'm so excited. I'm very, very nervous. I'm sure the future will be filled with challenges. But, I want to make it work. As long as they have feelings for me, I will do anything for them.
I love them, a lot. So now, things are going to be different. Scary, but also exhilarating. My heart is so full of joy right now. So wish me all of the luck. Given the trials and tribulations sure to come...we'll need it.
Work left me with nearly no free time. The little free time I did have, I mostly wasted, mind you. But, I've not touched League or TFT all week, and I'm not doing nearly any of the health tasks I should be.
The good news is, as the month goes on I do less and less work. The first week had the most, the second week the second-most. Last week the least, second-last the second-least. So like. It'll get better. But right now, it's bad. I'll hopefully manage to stabilize soon.
At least the upside is, I've still managed to put in friend time. I've been staying on top of a lot of personal stuff, friend maintenance included. My friend who has been going through A Time recently, has been someone I've deeply appreciated being with every single day. They make me feel happy. I feel incredibly happy when I'm hanging around with them.
This friend is, genuinely, who we suspect brought Talia (our flirtatious facet) forward, where she's instantly become a main fronter for our system. This friend, hanging out with them vibed with us enough that we have awakened things within which have been dormant for years. This friend is someone we really want to keep in our life, because they are worth it. They are someone who we love spending time with. They are someone who just gives us an indescribable joy. So, we will do whatever it takes to keep this friend in our life for as long as they want us to be a part of theirs.
That's both ironic and yet also unironic, believe it or not.
A big "fun" thing happened with my friend, and I changed my plans to instantly help them.
But it was fun, and I got my laptop setup to work so I could actually talk with them.
I didn't do what I was planning to today.
But, I still had a good time. I enjoy time with my friend.
It started with me messing up a friendship even more because I messed up badly. I think that it might be okay, because it was a genuinely unintended mistake on my end, and I apologized for having screwed up because while it might have been accidental, it was still extremely harmful and nobody is to blame for that except me.
Speaking of friends though: I had a great time with my friend tonight. Much as I worry about the future, if things will continue to go positively, no matter what nobody can take from me the good vibes I had from hanging with them tonight. Even if the future involves heartbreak. Even if the future involves bitterness. Even if the future involves a souring of relationships. Which can happen at any time or place. Nothing can rob me of the knowledge that tonight was a good night, and I hope all future nights continue to be this good.
I do worry about my friend potentially walking down the wrong path--the same way my friends worry about my decision to remain close to this friend, I imagine. (The irony is not lost on me.) I don't believe that my friend currently IS walking down the wrong path, but I fully worry they WILL walk down the wrong path. All it'd take is a moment of weakness from them, all it'd take is a bad decision, all it'd take is one moment of having chosen a bad path, and suddenly they would have actively renewed all the harm going on.
After all, while I disagree with my friends in believing my friend already has and continues to walk down the wrong path...they are still my friends, no matter how badly I mess up the friendship on my end from my weaknesses. And I place trust in my friends to have valid concerns, even if I believe those concerns aren't going to manifest.
I trust in my friend. But I also have at least some trust for my friends. So while I trust my friend isn't actively walking down a wrong path deliberately, I trust my friends to know what they're talking about in there being a risk my friend would walk down a wrong path.
Obviously, public blog. Can't say too much. Even this is probably pushing boundaries a bit much, and neither side would be particularly happy to learn what I say here, I imagine. (Sorry.)
To some extent, I regret my previous blog entries already, although to some extent I also stand by them. Regardless, the ugly truth of my feelings, complex as they are, shouldn't be deleted from the record even if I'm not proud of them. If my friends read what I've said the last few weeks and are mortified, if my friends read what I've said the last few weeks and are furious at me...even if my feelings are changing with time, I said what I said, and it's against my beliefs to delete having said it.
The choice with what to do with what I said will remain theirs. Whatever they decide would be valid. If they wanted to cut ties, I'd deserve that. If they wanted distance, justified. If they forgave me...they're better humans than I am and I thank them for that. But they owe me nothing. I'm not owed any response at all. Good, bad, none. They owe me nothing, and I am okay with that.
I will say I thoroughly enjoy my time with my friend. Despite my concerns about my friend, nothing will convince me they are not a good person at heart. I don't need to be convinced they've hurt people. They have, I know that, so nobody needs to prove that to me. Knowing they've hurt people, I could be convinced they are likely to continue hurting people. I can be convinced of nearly anything, no matter how mortifying, because there is very little about my friend I wouldn't believe, good or bad.
But, because I believe my friend, no matter what, is still a good person at heart...they are worth keeping as a friend. No matter how badly they have messed up. No matter how much harm they have caused. My friend, as long as they are still a good person at heart, is worth it. I'm not going to say things couldn't be strained. I can, and am, likely to get hurt. If my friend crosses a line and deliberately acts with malice, then it will devastate me. (And yes, I do have concern about them doing precisely that.) I'm not sure even that could truly break the relationship, despite the pain involved. I'd be well within my rights to cut them off at that point, and arguably should. But I'm not sure I would, because if I believe a person can be redeemed, if I believe a person can do better, if I believe a person is still good even if they act in malice...I'm not sure there's any force in the world which can shake my commitment to them.
In many ways, that's a bad habit I picked up from Vee. Vee is ridiculously empathetic and forgiving. She literally forgave a mass-murderer who was, despite her rampage, a good person that made a string of terrible life decisions including unforgivable sins of murder. Vee was capable of forgiving that person because she had a good heart, she wanted to do good but was led astray, she caved to malice but was still someone who could, and ultimately did, do good, despite her past mistakes.
In a similar vein, my friend reminds Vee a lot of that person. Within reason, it doesn't matter what mistakes they make, if they are a good person at heart. I would never justify their actions. I would never downplay their actions. I would never say their actions are okay. I would never say that their actions don't deserve consequences. If they are guilty, they deserve the punishment of being guilty. Yet the punishment of being guilty doesn't require me to cut contact with them.
I realize that attitude jeopardizes my standing with others. How easy would it be for me to defend a monster with that belief? Well personally, I do have a list of unforgivable sins which would violate my trust in a person and anyone monstrous to me would fulfill that, yet my definition of monstrous may not match that of others. So, for someone they see as monstrous yet I see as not...my unwillingness to cut the monstrous individual out of my life would likely condemn me, in some way shape or form.
I don't want that to happen--but I would accept it if it did, because I make my choices, and my choices have consequences, and if I side with someone I shouldn't side with, then I have to live with that mistake. It IS my choice. It IS my decision. So, I will do what I believe to be right. I will always do what I believe to be right. I am not perfect in my judgments. I am not perfect in my belief of what's right. I know my definition of right/wrong is thoroughly alien to most people. Yet, I still live by my moral compass, and let it dictate my actions.
And that moral compass says if I have a friend who is a good person--help them. No matter what. No matter the circumstances. As long as they're not guilty of the unforgivable sins, no crime is something worthy of outright cutting them out. I might be hurt by them. I might be upset by them. I would make my feelings known, and if they didn't value those feelings they might slip into becoming guilty of one of the unforgivable sins. Yet as long as they don't slip into the unforgivable sins, I, personally, can forgive them, no matter how terrible their crime is.
If a good person truly wants to do good, then I will support them. The only way I can lose faith is if I lose faith they truly want to do good, and/or that they are a good person. But this path I've chosen...it's not going to be an easy one. It likely will get me in big trouble. Big, big trouble down the line.
I'll certainly hope it doesn't. I'd prefer if it didn't. Because I'd prefer for anyone I would go to bat for to genuinely reform, refine their life and rebuild it to be healthier and free of the prior harm they caused. Yet if they continue to cause harm and if, despite their harm, I don't lose faith in them trying to do good...then I will be protecting someone that is in the current moment being malicious, making me an accessory to their malice, and thus fully justifiably punishable as an accomplice to their crimes.
As long as it doesn't happen, though. I am cautiously optimistic I might be able to repair my damaged friendships. Reconciling that I am still the friend of the friend in need, while also a friend to my friends in conflict with the friend in need, is something which I might currently not be able to do...but I believe with time, it can be done in the future. Will that happen? Who's to say? Maybe things go horribly wrong. It's quite likely. I've never had a good lot in life, and I can't control how others act. If things go south, if things get worse than they already are, then that hope of mine likely never manifests.
Still. While it might not happen for any number of reasons. I maintain hope it could happen. That I CAN be friends with the friend in need, while also being a friend to my friends. Maybe it doesn't happen. Right now it's still possible, and I will strive to make it a reality.
My friend deserves a chance to live their life, even after all the harm happening right now. Even if they messed up badly in the future, worse than they already have, this would remain true, because my friend is still a good person, no matter how flawed, no matter how much malice they cause.
My friends deserve respect, and to do what they need to do to avoid further harm coming to them. I can still be friends with them, as long as I respect their boundaries.
Those two can and do coexist.
I plan to continue having good times with my friend. The feelings within me from our hangouts together are something I've not felt the joy of for years. They make me happy. Despite all the issues. Despite everything. I am happy when they are around. I worry for them, because I worry that they could very easily choose the wrong path in life, a hurtful path, despite my recommendations trying to steer them towards a path of healing free of such malice and harm. But no matter how valid or invalid that fear, at least right now, they bring me a level of glee indescribable.
If and when all parties are ready for it, I plan to continue being friends with my friends.
And regardless of what the future may hold, I intend to continue living my own life regardless. I got a spirit guide reading this year, and received some advice. To be on the lookout for glass stones. To pick up sticks. To gaze at the stars. To go outside, be in nature. To pick up calligraphy. I know my guides have my back. I may not know what to do with my friend, I may not know what to do with my friends, but regardless of what the future may hold, I will continue to live my life to the fullest, and to try and live by my morals, doing what I believe is right even if literally everyone else believes it's the wrong thing.
Part of that reading was also saying to think more kindly of myself. I do have a real knack for describing myself as a monster. I genuinely believe I am, my own actions today prove I am. (To some extent, deliberately so. While I made a genuine mistake, I still acted monstrously, because I thought it was important to give a glimpse to my friends of how monstrous I can be, to make them believe me. I thought letting them see with actions rather than just words how I'm a monster would be good longterm, but in hindsight, I was probably just meaninglessly hurtful.)
I thoroughly believe that if judged for my actions, my beliefs, my chosen course in life, my thoughts, my viewpoints, my everything...that the answer really is I am a monster. But to respect the wishes of my guides, I'll try to soften it, and instead say:
If people view me as a monster, they are well within their rights to have done so. That viewpoint is valid, and justified.
But regardless of whether I am a monster or not, I still intend to live my life, and to live it doing the best I can.
An upside to the decisions I have made is that, yes, I do have more free time to myself--including the ability to write a blog during the day, rather than at 5 am.
That said, the blog I'm going to write would, if viewed by some individuals, probably be viewed as mean-spirited, malicious, or even hurtful. To those individuals, I would simply like to say I always warned you I am a monster. You didn't believe me. I have always been a malicious person. I've always been mean-spirited. You never saw it because I deliberately suppressed it. You never saw it, because I wanted to believe in my heart that a person could change, that I had well and truly become a new person, a person devoid of the hatred, malice, and harm the past monstrous-me had.
Except, as it turns out. People actually don't change. No matter how hard they try. No matter how much they want to. No matter how much they delude themselves into thinking they are a better person. People remain the same person they always were, and any moment, any event, can reveal just how nasty the person claiming to have changed actually is.
I've never hidden that I am a monster. I've never hidden that I have monstrous thoughts. I've never hidden that I was one of the worst monsters ever known in the past, and that my friends would never want to have been friends with past-me, and if they knew the truth about how much present-me still suppresses in an attempt to be something better than the monster...they wouldn't want to be a friend with me even now.
So if those people think that this blog is mean-spirited, congratulations! Now, you have the proof I've always told you about. When people tell you who they are, listen to what they say. And with how nasty I am, unleashing my inner nastiness is an apt response.
Over the last five days, I've been filled with an overwhelming anger, one I want to say I've never had ever before, but which is more apt to say, I've not had since my days of being an unrepentant monster. And it's common across every facet of our system, too. When I say "I'm angry", what I mean is, in a seemingly-impossible feat, the entirety of my system is angry.
Vee almost never angers. And yet, she's furious.
Ruby, I don't think she ever canonically got angry. And yet, she is. A person who as far as we know has never known anger before, was taught anger by this week.
Phyrra, another who has never known anger, is furious. She's someone who never angers (Cyrus does, but Phyrra doesn't), and yet, she is angry.
Across our entire system, there is anger.
Morgan being angry isn't too uncommon. Ditto for Bella. They've a bad habit of being out in force when we're feeling frustrated, angry, etc.
But my entire system is filled with an overwhelming rage, that many facets simply don't know how to deal with, because they've never felt anger before. It's a foreign entity to them, having invaded. It's not a foreign entity to me. I know it well. The facet doing the writing right now? I'm familiar with it. I can take the pain of the rage. But plenty within my system cannot, they don't know how to deal with it, but they at least understand why we ARE angry, and agree our anger is understandable, and worth being angry for.
Anger is a disease, which consumes people. Including us. When we were at our most monstrous, we were fueled by unbridled rage, an anger which hurt everyone. And if we, at our most monstrous, were consumed by anger...what does it mean that our current self is consumed by anger? Well, quite simply, it means the monster is back and we're not even going to bother trying to hide it, to be honest.
We are angry. And we are a monster. So if you get hurt by us, so be it. We did warn you. We warned you this was the true us. We warned you we were really like this, underneath the surface. You didn't believe us, because you thought that we were exaggerating, you thought our bad anxiety disorders including impostor syndrome meant that we were making a small insignificant failure on our part into some overblown act of evil. But we told you this is our true self, and as it turns out, we weren't lying. So go ahead and feel hurt, feel shocked, feel surprised. This is what you get for having not listened to us.
That's a hell of a start to the blog. But it's just the preamble to the hurtful section.
For obvious reasons, I don't want to go into the details. But I will say this much publicly.
Right now, we have a friend in need. This friend has been ostracized from every space they were in--including having almost every friend of theirs, including their best friend, including their closest friends, including my own friends, turn their backs on them. To me, this is something I can never forgive them for.
The people not involved more intimately, I don't blame. If they didn't really know my friend, then acting to protect their communities when they believe their community is under threat, I can't fault them for. I can state I believe they are making the wrong choice, but I understand why they would make that choice and believe it to be the correct one.
To those who actually know the individual in question though...I don't think I can. Which is an instance of hypocrisy, because of what I'll be saying. Like I said. I am a monster. I'm a hypocrite. *I* can preach one thing while acting in violation of what I preach, because that's what monsters do and I am a monster. But I will say it now. I don't think I can forgive what I see as essentially the ultimate crime.
To me, friendship, actual friendship, is something sacred. There are plenty who I say are my friends. There are plenty who say I am a friend. But, there is a difference between people who occasionally interact with each other indirectly via spaces they share, and people who actively prove they are friends with their actions. Remembering details. Checking in on each other. Talking to them, exchanging contact information. Going to extra lengths to transcend the spaces they originally met, in order to connect on a deeper level than the superficial. Thinking of them even when away from the space, rather than thinking of them only in that space when they are around. Doing activities together, chatting, bonding.
The mark of a true friend is high, requiring basically all of the above. It has a level of trust in each other, a level of connection, a level of bond to each other. And when that bond is formed, it should be nearly impossible to break. When it comes to a friend, a true friend, a really good friend. To put it simply:
There is nothing I am unwilling to give up for a friend.
There is nothing I am unwilling to do for a friend.
My trust in my friends means I believe in my friends. I would move heaven and earth for the sake of a friend. There is nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. There is nothing I wouldn't give up, for a friend. The bond of friendship is that sacred to me. It wouldn't be friendship, if I didn't stand up for a friend. There's a quote from John Wick 4 which aptly says it best.
Friendship means little when it's convenient.
To be honest, I never thought I would be in a position which proved the philosophy. Yet here I am. There is a friend who being friends with right now is, basically, so to speak: an inconvenience. Yet that friendship would mean next-to-nothing if I let its inconvenience stop me from being a friend. Perhaps this isn't the best of wording. But what I mean by this is, friendship would mean nothing if I didn't stand by and support my friend in their time of greatest need.
My friend needs the help of their friends--now more than ever. And in their time of greatest need, most of their friends left them. Most of their friends abandoned them. Most of their friends turned their backs on them. Most of their friends broke that sacred bond. Most of those friends essentially went, "I wish them well in the next chapter of their life", cut them out, and went "it's unfortunate that they are going through this, but this is the consequences of their actions, they have hurt us, and we can't go through more hurt, and it'd be for the best for all of us to move on", more or less.
I'm sure if those individuals saw my description of them, they would find it unfair, my description of them. And feel hurt I would describe their actions that way. Well, I don't want to share the exact words and it's a very complex situation and it's hard to describe and it's not something I really should go into the details of, so those are all contributing factors, but frankly, refer to the preamble. I don't care. I don't care if they are hurt by my unflattering description of them. I don't care if they think my words are a disingenuous representation of the situation. I don't care if they think I am being unfair to them. I am a monster. Maybe that I would say these things about them will finally get the message through to them.
I am more of a monster than any of my friends would be. Including the one I am going to bat for, including the friend I am standing with, including the friend I am standing by. My friend is one of the kindest human beings I've ever known. My friend is one of the nicest, empathetic individuals I have ever known. My friend is good. I am not. This friend has been a contributing factor in me trying to be a better person than I am. This friend has been an inspiration to me.
My friend, in their time of greatest need, was abandoned by those they were closest to, because apparently their idea of friendship differs from mine. I believe my friend. I trust my friend. Now, I am not going to portray my friend as free of fault, or blame. My friend is human. As a human, they do make mistakes. The mistakes they made were very hurtful to others. This is true regardless. My friend did hurt others, including their friends. My friend caused a bunch of pain, to friends, to communities, and a level of hurt which the closer they were, the higher it'd be.
If I weren't a monster, I would have the empathy to understand how my friend's friends, who were deeply hurt, made the decision to prevent further harm to themselves. But I am a monster, so I don't accept that excuse. And it is largely because of two factors.
The first, quite simply, is because of the question of character. My friend is my friend. My friend is someone I have gotten to know. My friend is someone whose intentions and motives, are things which should be clear. My friend is a good person, and they have spoken up. So as their friend, I believe them. I trust them. To not trust them, to not believe them, IS to question their character. To invent a reason for their actions, which they swear wasn't what they were trying to do, is to call into question their honesty. It is to believe that they are not who they said they were.
To be clear, this friend did do harmful things, and did get caught in at least some lies. Yet there is a layer to lying. If you see a lie, and it is called out, and the person explains why they lied...then either you believe the reason for why they lied, or you think they are still lying. If you believe they are still lying...then you believe that the character of the person is not good. You believe the character of the person is in question.
The individuals involved said that it is both possible for the friend we've known to both be everything we know them to be, yet still be guilty of everything they've been accused of, more or less. That my friend is not a monster, that my friend isn't malicious, that my friend isn't a psychopath/sociopath who didn't mean to cause harm. But my friend's character IS being questioned. My friend asked to be believed, and these people...didn't. To believe my friend was a good person who didn't intend harm and whose intentions were good, is to believe that the friend we knew is the person we know. To not believe my friend's intentions were good, is to call into question the character of the friend who swears they were trying to help, and if you don't believe them when they say they were trying to help, what DO you believe?
The friend I know is a person who is kind, caring, and empathetic. Who does try to help others. Who does try to do the right thing. If you don't believe them when they say they were trying to, despite being a kind caring empathetic person being defining characteristics of this person, then you ARE essentially calling them a psychopathic monster who acted with malice, because you're not believing them when they say they didn't, and not believing them when their explanation matches their character. And by believing their explanation which matches their character is a lie, you are believing that the 'truth' is they didn't act in a way matching their established character...which means by proxy, you don't believe in their established character. Because if the established character of a person doesn't match the reasons for the action you believe, then you must not believe the established character is real.
They can and have argued the ideas can coexist. But they really can't. They genuinely, legitimately, are mutually exclusive. To believe in the character of the person is to believe in them when they say they did not act out of selfishness and malice. To believe they acted selfishly is to not believe them and to not believe them is to doubt their character because to not believe them when they say they didn't act selfishly is to believe they acted selfishly, despite their established character being that of an incredibly unselfish person.
If the established character of a person is that of an unselfish person and the person in question says they did not act selfishly, then that is a packaged deal of a profile. You cannot doubt one without doubting the other. Because if a person acted selfishly, then that means they are not as unselfish as their profile suggests.
My friend did great harm. It was not intended, yet it still happened. Not believing them when they say they didn't act with selfish intentions which caused malice is to not believe in them. And that is an abhorrent crime I don't think I can forgive. Especially since there's a second reason. I don't accept the excuse for a second reason.
And that reason is, quite simply: forgiveness. Ironically enough. I did mention I'm a hypocrite. In my monstrous state, I am guilty of the very sin I am ticked off at them for having done. To explain what I mean by forgiveness, it is quite simply this.
Even in the case where my friend was guilty of everything they are accused of. Even if they lied, and then lied on top of the lies. Even if they caused great harm. Even if they continued to act hurtfully in their desperation, causing even further harm. Even if every sin they are accused of they are guilty of. Even if it's all true.
If a person doesn't believe the individual is a monstrous psychopath. If a person doesn't believe the individual is a sociopath. If a person doesn't believe the individual in question is a bad person. If a person believes that the accused IS a good person, despite their crimes.
Then a refusal to forgive them is, itself, unforgiveable.
In my personal opinion, the idea of the person I know as my friend acting selfishly and causing malice is mutually exclusive with the idea that they are a good person. But even if you believe that the two ideas can coexist, then by virtue of believing the individual is a good person, then by virtue of them being a good person, they should not be treated as a bad person, as a monster, would be.
People are human. Most humans are good people. Good people make mistakes. Humans make mistakes. My friend made mistakes. Yet as long as there is belief that my friend is a good person...then it shouldn't matter what crimes they are guilty of. As a good person, they should be forgiven for having made mistakes.
You might think that's idealistic, or naive. That the world doesn't work that way. But at least on the scale of a friendship, it really does. If a friend makes a mistake, but is still a good person, then as a friend, you can and should forgive the friend for the mistake...because if you don't forgive them for their mistake...then what kind of friend were you?
Yes, I realize that when the wounds are at their freshest, forgiveness can be hard. But again. Friendship means little when it's convenient. If a friend makes a mistake, even a mistake which badly hurts you, but they are still a good person...then forgiveness is the bare minimum a friend can give. Forgiving a friend who hurts you is part of friendship. Recognizing your friend is human, and makes mistakes, even badly hurtful ones, is important.
This is one reason why Vee, the beacon of kindness in our system, is so miffed. (Well, she's not THE beacon, but she's among them.) Vee believes that as long as a person is able to be guided towards doing good...they should be allowed to do good. So if a friend has hurt people but is still a good person despite having messed up badly...they should be allowed to still do good, and be forgiven for having messed up.
That's a core part of friendship. A friendship that can't survive the turmoil of a turbulent situation where a friend makes a mistake is...not much of a friendship. I am willing to undergo any amount of pain, suffering, and hardship for the sake of a friend.
I am willing to lose friends, for the sake of a friend. By the same virtue of the above. If my friendship with them can't survive the turmoil of a turbulent situation, then the friendship was never as much of a friendship to begin with. My friend is worth keeping as a friend. They are not a terrible person. They are a better person than I am.
I am more monstrous, I am more malicious, than my friend. It may be an imperfect explanation, but I basically treat my friends like Luffy from One Piece does: nothing, nothing will stop me from helping them. If anything did, then they wouldn't be my friend.
IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).
And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.
So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.
It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.
I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.
And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.
So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.
But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.
I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)
After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.
Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?
But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.
I still have a clear idea of what I really want.
I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.
But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.
I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.
There was a time when I was a very nasty person.
So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.
But while I have continued to fail.
I still wish to try.
Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.
To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.
I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.
But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.
Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.