...Albeit because I feel like I want to put it here rather than in the rather obscure place it was.

I'll give some extra context.

Basically, I've been wanting to return to my art for months--not just the art for streams, like emotes, background art, icon art, stream overlays, etc.

I've been wanting to work on more personal art.

Drawing Chloe.
Drawing kat.
Drawing kat with Bastet.
Drawing other facets.

Revisiting past art.

And, yes...resuming work on my webcomic.

But, I know that realistically speaking, I have a lot going on.

Still, I've been inspired. Art friends from art discords encourage me with art, and I always feel guilty when they ask me for OCs and such that I have so little to offer them.

I recently went and looked at all the 22 pages of Red Hood Rider I made, scanned, and uploaded, but never finished past the fourth.

A lot of it is bad, but a great deal of it is passable or even great, even now. Can easily be touched up and fixed to be viable, usable, doable.

...Yet...despite my passion...

...I have other priorities.

So, I figured I'd fill the people in, the commentors I saw leave comments, by giving them this.

​A lot has changed in my life since I set out to create Red Hood Rider which has caused the comic to take a seemingly-permanent, definitely-indefinite-until-otherwise-noted hiatus. There were a lot of factors as to why.

Life stressed me out, in ways that I've since forgotten.

I was suffering from severe burnout, trying to do too many things all at once.

I was suffering from severe art block.

2016 - 2019 are largely a blur to me, and I genuinely don't remember what happened in that timeframe.

I'm pretty sure I began dating my former-girlfriend (who is still a good friend to this day) some time in that timeframe, and they became my top priority for the entire time we were dating.

Then the pandemic hit, and I lost my job.

I came out to my family in June 2021.

I landed a new job, as a Lead Lifeguard (now called Aquatic Lead).

I got very very heavily involved in the twitch stream culture, which pretty much consumed my life. I existed exclusively on twitch and discord, for years. 

Fast-forward to 2023, and in a (now-ex-)friend's private friend discord, I began to bond with someone I had known since 2020 in the streaming sphere. I became a good friend of theirs, and vice-versa. We ended up on said ex-friend's server getting dragged into something that I don't want to detail on this blog here, but to keep a long story short; we were trying to do the right thing, and I genuinely believe we were, looking back, more in the right than in the wrong.

Again, not going to go into the details, but I believe a streamer, the streamer we all met through, is a genuinely problematic person. Back in 2023, we caught a bunch of that streamer's red flags, but we believed the streamer to still be a good person, and were intending to do what we did to help them and the community. With all that happened, my belief that "most people are good, all people are flawed" has progressively been put to the test. I hold it true, but the benefit of the doubt I gave to the streamer being among the good-yet-flawed has eroded the more and more I learned by unpacking the events of 2023.

All throughout this year, I've been realizing that despite my belief...some people aren't nearly as good as I thought they were. Namely the streamer I genuinely believe to be a problematic person...but also the now-ex-friend and their partner. They KNEW everything that we did, and didn't do. They KNEW what we had on the streamer, and what we were trying to do. They KNEW we were trying to do the right thing. They KNEW someone wasn't guilty. But they chose their friendship with the problematic streamer over doing the right thing.

They chose gaslighting me over being truthful with me. They tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and otherwise lied and became culpable in the problematic streamer's actions because they KNEW all of the bad things about the problematic streamer...and chose their closeness with the problematic streamer over exposing the problematic streamer's lies and misinformation. They chose to further frame and otherwise blame a victim of a misinformation campaign.

The problematic streamer abused their position of trust and authority to lie, manipulate, and gaslight everyone into believing that a would-be-whistleblower was problematic. He lied about his friendship with that victim, claiming that they had issues being parasocial with him when HE was the one who initiated friendship with THEM. And he used this to get them banned across our sphere of twitch overnight--with nobody, not a single streamer, listening to the other person, to see if maybe there was some kind of misunderstanding, maybe there was some kind of mistake, etc. Nobody gave them a chance; everyone believed the problematic streamer.

Except me.

Because I was there.

I was one of the eight people involved in exposing the problematic streamer's problematic traits. I was there, so I remember what went on. The ex-friends were two of the eight, I was a third, and the friend I got close to in 2023 on that server was a fourth...

...And that friend needed me. When all of this went down, I knew they would need a friend. I was already in love with them, but I wanted to make sure they survived. They had a close call, having written out a suicide note and planned out how to unalive, but I saved their life with my persistence.

And we further bonded.

And eventually, I confessed my feelings, and they confessed they reciprocated.

So we started dating as of August 16th 2023.

I spent the majority of 2023 gaslighting myself about the events above. I genuinely believed we were in the wrong until this year, until midway through 2024! I thought we were problematic, we were the issue. At my most kind, I thought "everyone involved was a good person, their flaws just interacted in a horrible way that left the situation exploding in the most ugly way possible". But at my lowest, I thought myself a monster, and nearly took my own life in December of 2023 because of that belief.

But, a lot of healing has happened since. The friend I first met in 2020, who I bonded with starting in 2023, who needed my help, who I fell in love with, who I started dating on August 16th 2023? They moved in with me on November 3rd 2023. They proposed to me a month later, on December 3rd 2023 becoming my fiance. We moved in to a place of our own on December 4th 2023.

It's been a struggle. They moved from Michigan to my state of Washington in order to be with me. They haven't had a job, despite searching. And I don't make enough to support two people. Finances have been stressful, life has been stressful, and my job has been soul-sucking, draining the life out of me. I've been burnt out and otherwise unable to have much in the way of free time.

...But...

...The good news is, we are on the upswing.

I am getting married on October 31st 2025 to the love of my life.

Now, I am going to be busy prepping for the wedding until then.

And there's other things I want to pursue and achieve.

I've become a Twitch Affiliate. I've gotten a place with the love of my life. I've gotten a better work schedule. My wife-to-be has landed a job. Things are going well for us and we are going forward...

...But I am going to be too busy for the webcomic for years.

...Yet Red Hood Rider WILL return. Eventually.

I want to pursue writing my novel. A different novel than the one in 2016 (I lost that one when my flashdrive got corrupted, crushing me), but a novel nonetheless.

I want to pursue content creation.

But...when I am married, living with the love of my life, with my novel closer to being made...

...I am planning to return to Red Hood Rider. My goal is before 2028.

I know, that's a 12 year wait for the webcomic. But, with luck, if all goes my way, then I will be in a position where I can finish what I started, over 8 years ago. Here's to hoping!


Now, for readers of this blog, this is nothing new. I've been talking about these events ad nauseum. This blog through all of 2023 and 2024 chronicles  my journey  remarkably  well (especially  later  on as I became  more comfortable), with discord and social media detailing the rest. Blog readers are probably tired of me rehashing the same thing over and over again. You know what went on by now.

And, for that, I do apologize.

But, I felt the need to explain it again.
I'll likely only talk about it going forward for the purpose of therapy, new revelations, things I feel I need to say. (For instance, there's one thing I want to touch on regarding someone who once called me "a good friend", and how I genuinely believe that person is in danger of becoming a victim of this streamer and/or our ex-friends. I want to talk about that more at some point, but not today.)

I've mostly aired out my thoughts. You've likely read them, repeatedly, or at least skimmed them. You don't need me to rehash it again and again and again. So you'll see me talk about it less and less, until I'm not talking about it at all. Still, I apologize. I'm not yet at the "not talking about it at all" stage, which means you once more get exposed to me talking about what went down.

Again, the basic summary as quickly as I can put it chronologically;
An ex-friend had a private friend server for their friends which both myself and my fiance were members of in 2023. Its members all met through a streamer I now believe is problematic.
An artist and vip in said streamer's chat had a rant on March 19th (I was wrong about it being on the 20th, 21st, or 23rd, the screenshot verifies it was on the 19th) and was joined in by a couple of other longtime regulars. To prevent the chat from dominating the venting thread it was in, the server owner (a now-ex-friend) created a subthread for us to let our frustrations out. Eight people ended up involved. The server owner, their partner, the art friend, a couple of other long-time community members, myself, my fiance, and another person not really part of the community.

We collected a long list of problematic traits. We believed the streamer to be a good person at the time, so when we collected these things, we were trying to do so to help the streamer and the community improve, because we wanted to help everyone improve, better themselves, etc. 

Separately, on that server, I fell in love with my fiance for the non-venting-hangouts, completely without involvement to the problematic streamer.

Midway through the year, on my birthday, the streamer found out my wife-to-be had been ranting about them. They abused their authority to get my fiance completely removed from basically every space they were in on twitch. They lied, gaslit people, and turned the love of my life into a pariah, when they were a whistleblower who was in the perfect position to expose the problematic streamer as being problematic. It wasn't just that my wife-to-be was a mod for the streamer. It was their relationship beyond them being a mod.

We had all of the information, back in 2023, to expose the problematic streamer as being problematic.

But in our naivety, in our idealism, in our optimism, in our blind faith, we genuinely believed at the time the problematic streamer wasn't problematic. We thought the streamer was human with flaws we could help them with, not realizing just how bad they actually were behind the scenes. Our closeness, our fondness, for the problematic streamer blinded us to how the streamer was in fact problematic.

When the streamer poisoned people's minds and turned the public against my fiance (not a single person heard out my wife-to-be except me, and that didn't change until late 2023 and heading into 2024 when more people began to hear us out), our ex-friends (the server owner and their partner) chose their closeness and friendship with the problematic streamer over being truthful, over trying to do the right thing.

In fact, they knowingly and deliberately tried to gaslight me. They lied to me, they tried to manipulate me, they used every emotional manipulation tactic in the book to try and get me on their side. I made the mistake of believing them unaware. I made the mistake of believing they didn't know what they were doing. I made the mistake of believing they were being accidental in the malice of their actions. I made the mistake of thinking they could have unintentionally been biased.

But they knew.

Jumping ahead a year later when I showed the conversation to my fiance, they pointed something out to me that I hadn't noticed previously, hadn't noticed in a full year of having had the conversation. They pointed out a contradiction which could not have been accidental. They pointed out what was in hindsight, a deliberate lie on the part of the ex-friends who lied to me and tried to cover it up by being vague and not talking about the specifics which would reveal the key contradiction.

They knew it was a contradiction. They didn't care. Because they valued the problematic streamer over their friendship with my fiance, and they valued defending the problematic streamer over honesty, over doing the right thing, over pursuing the truth. They gaslit me, and presumably encouraged the same thing the problematic streamer did, encouraging people to ban my fiance.

They knew everything I did. They chose to lie and protect the problematic streamer and further the problematic streamer's abuse rather than honesty and accountability. They are just as culpable as the problematic streamer. And when the problematic streamer is exposed as such, these ex-friends will probably not instantly be exposed for their part in the problematic streamer's crimes. But let me tell you this, here and now.

They knew.

They KNEW.

Just as kels and I know.

Now, I want to be clear. It took kels months before they realized the problematic streamer is problematic. It took me until this year to. In fact, I didn't think the problematic streamer was assuredly problematic until midway through the year. We had all the information back in 2023, but I wouldn't blame them for having not realized it.

kels didn't know what we were working on exposing. I didn't know. The ex-friends wouldn't have, either.

But they still knew what we were doing, and deliberately propagated the lie that has become widely believed by the masses. They deliberately furthered a lie they knew to be a lie, deliberately gaslit people, deliberately misled people. They chose the problematic streamer over my fiance. And they, by virtue of having remained close to the problematic streamer, have had one of the best positions to realize they backed the wrong horse.

They have had over a FULL YEAR to realize the problematic streamer is in fact problematic. They have had a full year to reexamine and reevaluate events. They have had a full year to question their actions and what they did. And in that time, they have only gotten closer to the problematic streamer, more trusted by the problematic streamer.

They knew what the problematic streamer did...and they chose the problematic streamer over exposing the problematic streamer's problematic nature and telling the truth.

So when the problematic streamer is exposed as problematic...these ex-friends will likely try to initially distance themselves, to protect themselves, to save face, to try and make themselves look innocent, or even look like victims.

They aren't victims.

They are accomplices.

They knowingly and deliberately aided and abated the problematic streamer and helped the problematic streamer get away with spreading a lie, with gaslighting, with abusing their authority. They helped gaslight and spread the lie. They helped him, every step of the way, choosing their friendship and closeness with him over doing the right thing.

​I can't give them the benefit of the doubt, just as I can't give the problematic streamer the benefit of the doubt.

I know that the individuals aren't scum of the earth. They're not completely horrible people. They're not wholly terrible people through and through. The problematic streamer has merits and isn't a complete and total monster through and through. The ex-friends are by all accounts good friends to those they choose to remain close to. They're not horrible altogether.

But they aren't good people either.

The problematic streamer is still problematic.
The ex-friends are willing knowing deliberate accomplices of the problematic streamer.

Mid-2023 both me and kels reacted badly and made mistakes. We're not blame-free. But we ended up gaslighting ourselves into thinking we were horrible. We thought ourselves monsters. We thought ourselves to be terrible. We thought ourselves to be absolute garbage who did horrible wrongs, didn't deserve to live, were monsters, villains. We talked ourselves into thinking we didn't deserve anything except scorn, and deserved to be banned.

A belief which lasted even when we began to romance each other.

And in 2024, we've begun to heal.

We've began to unpack the events which happened.

We've begun to see how we were always good people, wonderful people, who were trying to do the right thing.

And with reflection, we've managed to look at the actions of others and see..."hey...wait a minute..." regarding what they did, and realize we had been giving them benefit of the doubt where none should have been given. We thought them good, and time has shown how they very much aren't.

And we're healing. We're moving on. We're rebuilding our lives, together. I still maintain my belief. "Most humans are good, all humans are flawed". I just have shifted where I believe the problematic streamer lies on the spectrum, as well as the ex-friends.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter. I believe they will be exposed with time. Even if they aren't, even if they end up getting away with it...it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to succeed in spite of their efforts to sabotage our lives. The ex-friends orchestrated a campaign of misinformation which nearly drove me to kill myself, twice. Both in December of 2023 and this year. They didn't succeed, and I am resolved to make sure they never do.

That despite their efforts, I will build my happiness with my wife. We will live our lives together, happy, content. I'm going to focus on my novel and art, my content creation. I intend to have the stability and success that by 2028, I'll have gotten into a space where I can pursue picking Red Hood Rider back up, and continuing my work.

It's been a long, difficult, hard road, and our journey is nowhere near complete.

But I have full confidence in myself, my future, and my wife, that we will achieve the success and overcome all of the obstacles thrown our way.

We're not out of the woods.

But I truly believe the worst is behind us, that the times ahead will be better than the times behind, that our future is great and that we are going to have a wonderful life together.

I'm manifesting it.

So, thank you for reading this and for giving me this support. I hope I can give you something in return for it. <3

...So I will make another cheater blog.

I wanna say I am so damn proud of my wife-to-be, my fiancé, my love, Kelsey Marie Cousins, who is the love of my life.
They have been looking for a job for over a year and a half.

They've been searching in Washington State for a job since shortly before November, as they began looking when we were planning to have them move here.

And now...they have finally, a full year later, scored a job, at their dream location for seasonal work--which will get them through the door in opening up future work opportunities. They also have the very realistic chance to land work at our local gas station, which would be a more permanent source of income, too!!!

​I’m riding on a bit of a high wave emotionally.

Currently in the red, but a return should take us out of it and allow us to scrape by until my paycheck comes through. 

Kels got their dream seasonal job.

It’s looking like it perfectly fits into our schedules seamlessly.

They got a job application for our local gas station, which potentially offers long-term employment and income. 

Even if they don’t land that job, by having gotten their foot in the door and leaving a favorable impression, it’ll make landing things they apply for all the easier with a favorable recent job reference. 

My job is giving me hours and days more favorable.

I've improved my previously decaying relationships at work.

I’m passionate about my ideas, and ready to pursue them.

I’m just feeling so damn optimistic about the future.

Namely, it's the decision to move on rather than to go public with the events of last year and the followthrough into this year.

And basically...it boils down to the illusion of choice.

There's only a few possible outcomes, and most of them lead to the same basic things. To run through the possibilities;

Possibility One: We go public about what happened. Nobody believes us. And down the line, nothing comes to light. Nobody comes forward. The people we believe are problematic are never shown as such. I don't believe this would actually happen.
After all, I've been believed by everyone who has actually asked me for my perspective. If I went public, there's a good chance most people would. I've got a long history displaying my true character, as well as a fairly decent amount of evidence, not to mention, numerous people who can collaborate my perspective. That, aside from the fact that every time I asked about going public in tarot readers, I got told I would be supported and good things would come from it. So this possibility is rather unlikely.
But if it were to happen...if nobody believed us...and nobody ever does...then why bother? It wouldn't do any good.

kels and I want to focus on healing, on moving on, on building our lives together. We want peace and prosperity. To live happily, to live content, and to just move on. Going public is dwelling in the past, and in this possibility, it wouldn't do any good.

Possibility Two: We go public about what happened. Initially, nobody believes us. However, down the line, things come to light. The problematic behavior we knew about in 2023 is later revealed at a later time. In this case, the information revealed down the line has no relation to us bringing our information forward. So for all intents and purposes...our information adds nothing. People wouldn't have believed us. People believe the later information coming forward, but the later information comes forward completely on its own, completely separately from us.
In this case...it's identical to the first. We don't matter. We add nothing. Coming forward does nothing. We go through all of the same hassle as the first and in the end the results are nearly identical. Nothing we did contributes to the individuals being exposed, because nobody believed us.

And as above, that's just...not worth it. My wife-to-be and I both want to focus on healing. To move on. To rebuild our lives together. We want to get married next year, on October 31st 2025. We want to have a house. We are talking about potentially raising children. We want to focus on gaining the stability and security of having enough of an income to not just survive but also live. And that is best accomplished...by...not wasting the time on going public. After all, it does no good. The people coming forward still come forward regardless of our involvement, and get believed, regardless of what we do. That means we don't need to contribute, and we can instead focus on that.

Possibility Three: We don't go public about what happens. Nobody comes forward ever, and nobody would have even if they saw us. In this case, it's identical to possibility one. There's nobody to come forward and be believed, and they wouldn't come forward even if we had. We just don't come forward in this case. It's identical to possibility one in basically every way, except we never bother to come out with the info. So like...it's the same, just with less hassle.

Possibility Four: We don't go public about what happens. And later down the line, someone else does. The problematic people are exposed as problematic. It's essentially identical to possibility two, just without the extra hassle. We didn't need to come forward, so us having done so would be a waste of time, essentially. The only difference between this and possibility five is the timing the problematic people are exposed. Here, it just happens later.

I actually believe this is exactly what will happen. I believe the problematic people will be exposed as problematic without us needing to be involved. And the reason why is because we're in the grand scheme of things? Not important. We don't matter. We don't matter for exposing problematic people as being problematic. Their problematic nature will be shown by others. While any single individual might be unimportant, collectively as a whole it will be shown. Basically, kels and I aren't important for exposing the problematic people. If everyone believed they weren't important, then the problematic nature of them never comes forward...but in this possibility...that doesn't happen, someone comes forward eventually, and the truth gets exposed and then story after story comes forward exposing the lies and misinformation which had been believed en masse by the streaming community as a whole.

We aren't going to be the only victims. There will be more. And they will eventually share why they are victims. And when they do, that will make everyone question everything.

Possibility Five: We go public about what happened. And we are believed. There's actually a really good chance this is what happens, but in many ways it's identical to possibility two. Anything *WE* can do to expose the problematic people, other victims/associates can do down the line, too. We'd just be accomplishing it sooner. It's effectively identical to possibility two, except instead of someone else being the ones to expose it, it happens to be us.

If we were to go public, this is what I believe would happen. I believe we'd be believed. We have good evidence to back it, we have the character to back it, we have witnesses who would back us, and our perspective, our stories, would inspire others to come forward with theirs. Ours would be the first of many, and eventually, the nature of how the harassment campaign against us began would be fully exposed. We would get great support, we would have done great good, by being the ones to expose the problematic people by having the bravery to come forward.

...Which...is fine and all, but...while I believe this is what would happen if we did come forward...it's essentially identical to possibility four. The only difference is us spending time and effort in the past, effort/time that aren't us moving on and rebuilding our lives. And...while that would certainly be noble...it's a level of sacrifice I don't feel like making. Trying to do the right thing, trying to do the greatest good, is how this whole mess started back in 2023. We thought we were doing the right thing back then, and the result of it was kels almost killing themself (twice), both of us losing almost everything we ever cared for, and continuous harassment from the resulting campaign of misinformation demonizing us both. It caused me to gaslight myself badly into genuinely believing all of the horrible things about myself I always thought (depression + anxiety-fueled self-loathing), and to think everything we did was wrong.

Coming forward would be a lot of time, effort, and hassle. People would believe us here, but there'd be all of the stress and anxiety of them potentially not. We'd face retaliation. Our friends would, too. Maybe even our family. We would be scrutinized and even further villainized, because the problematic people and all people acting on their world-view would try to expose us as liars and monsters, and we would face all of that hatred just for the crime of sharing what we went through. And...while I have faith that we would be shown right, while I have faith people would ultimately side with us, while I believe people would believe us ultimately...in the interim, it would be Hell, and make rebuilding our lives nearly impossible.

I...don't think we can do that. I wanted to, for a time, because of doing the right thing, and believing coming forward could genuinely prevent potential future victims from ever being victimized. Our silence has the potential consequence of people down the line being hurt who wouldn't have been hurt if we came forward sooner, and that weighed heavily on me, because I wanted to help them by stopping the problematic people from having the trust, access, and influence to further victimize people. Particularly a friend or two, who are at extra high risk of becoming victims down the line.

I wanted to protect them, and a part of me still does...but at the same time...I don't think I have the strength to do this. And even if I personally did...kels does not. Kels cannot handle it. They've made that clear. They cannot handle anything more than what they have already gone through. So for them even if nobody else...I cannot do this. It would be hell for me, it would be hell for them, and while the results may EVENTUALLY be worth it...the interim period never would be.

​So...there's only one real possibility which would warrant coming forward.

Possibility Six: We come forward, and aren't initially believed...but down the line, someone else who wouldn't have come forward without us, ends up having the courage to share their experiences. The problematic people get exposed because someone broke the silence, and it was only possible because of us inspiring the real dealbreakers. Our experience wouldn't be believable or notable or big enough to make an impact, but we would inspire the actual smoking gun whistleblower with our experiences, and they come forward directly because they know they are not alone and can count on us.

Which is in many ways just a variant on possibility five, just with a timing difference behind when and how the problematic people end up exposed as such.


As far as I'm concerned...all the possibilities, and their variants (you could argue there's also a seventh possibility where we come forward, aren't believed, and the disbelief of us prevents people from coming forward who would have come forward and been believed had we not been disbelieved when we came forward, for instance, but I lump that in with the others), all are an illusion of choice.

They all lead to essentially the same destinations.

Kels and I are left needing to heal no matter what.
Kels and I need to move on no matter what.
Kels and I need to rebuild our lives regardless.
​Kels and I need to focus on securing our future rather than dwelling on the past no matter what.

The only real variable--which is entirely out of our control--is whether we are believed, or whether we aren't. Whether the problematic people are exposed, or if they aren't.

And that is something we have no control over whatsoever, because we can only control our own actions--not those of others. We can only hold our own perspectives and beliefs, not shape those of others. Thus? Illusion of choice. There's six or so possibilities listed, but when it boils down to it, there's only two for kels and I, and they both lead to much the same place.

We come forward, then try to rebuild after.
Or we focus on healing and rebuilding now, and trust in the universe.

Those are the only options, and they both lead to the same place...just at a different pace. So even this singular choice, isn't actually a choice. It's still an illusion. ALL roads lead to the same place eventually, no matter WHICH path we travel.

We always need to start a life together.
We always need to heal.
We always need to pursue our future rather than living in the past.

​The how differs between the possibilities. The need remains regardless.

And that illusion of choice is a huge factor in why we're not coming forward, and not likely to at any point honestly.

With the stresses of life, with how on the edge we are living...we don't have the time/energy to come forward. Instead, we are focused on just surviving and trying to turn surviving into living. We want to pursue our happiness NOW, and to secure our life NOW, so do the work for that in the present, not in the future. As we are able to, as we have the energy to.

And that means we cannot afford to look to the past. No matter how noble it may be, our life circumstances just...don't allow it to be something we can really handle. COULD we do it? Well the reading I got says we'd be protected and we'd be supported...but that path would be much, much harder to travel. So as selfish as it may be...we are taking the easier path. The path of not coming forward. It's easier, but easier is all we have the energy, time, and finances for. We don't have the luxury of trying to do the most right thing. We only have the ability to handle doing a right thing.


I might be a bit rambling, and that concept may be a bit hard to vocalize. But to put it as best I can...often, there's no singular "right" thing to do. There's not a binary right/wrong choice to make, where there's one correct and one wrong decision to be made. Most of the time, things do not work that way.

Instead, there's more a level of...optimal paths, as it were. Many paths diverge, but then merge down the line again. "All roads lead to Rome", as it were. All roads in time lead to the same place, it's just some are better than others. None of them are right, none of them are wrong, but rather...it's more a case of some being more right for some people and some being more wrong for some people.

When it comes to doing the right thing, it's similarly so. There's the thing that is most right for the collective of humanity. There's the thing that is most right for the individual in the present. There's the thing that is most right for the individual down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a family in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a family down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a community in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a community down the line.

All of those are equally entitled to the title of "the right thing" to do. They're right in different ways, despite largely being mutually exclusive with each other to some extent. There's something of a spectrum. A balance. To live your life at one extreme leaves you not living it at all in the other, but if you live more in the middle you are not living your life to the furthest it possibly could be in at least one area. I hope that makes sense.

And that's what I mean. The right thing to do is mostly a question of "what is right for YOU to do, in the moment?", and to that...the answer is often very fluid and situational. I never know for sure if what I am doing is the most right thing for me to do in the moment, but I try my best to listen to my instincts and pursue it to the fullest.

And if you're wondering how we know what's right to do in the moment...well it's largely following instinct, but it's also considering what is most important to you. What do you value most? What do you most want? What is your goal, what is your objective, with all the options laid out in the given moment? What are you hoping to accomplish? What are you hoping to achieve? Both in the now, and in the future? What is what you most treasure? What is what you least desire? Where do you fall on the spectrum of individual versus group, of self-enrichment and community-enrichment, of self-needs versus humanity needs, of needs versus wants, of the present versus the future, and so on and so forth.

What, who, do you value most? And from all of that...feel out what actions seem like they will get you to the best balance of where you want to have gone, essentially. Nobody gets to do everything they ever want to have done. Actions, and inactions, both carry consequences both good and bad to them. So you have to choose, and your choices matter for which path you walk, even if the paths end up reconverging down the line. Which path you walk has a ripple effect, and affects you and the world in little but meaningful ways.

​That choice leads to none being wrong per se...but there will always be paths that feel more rewarding to have walked down than the alternative paths.

And for me...that's why when I listen to my instincts...when I try to pursue the path that is most right for me in the moment...I see the focus on building my life with kels.

Kels is my greatest treasure. They are the best part of my world. They are what I value most. They are my other half. I want to be together with them forever, for the rest of eternity, to be tied together and to be a part of each other. I never want to be left without them in my life. And I want them in my life as much as they can be. (Well...within healthy reason.)

​I have more values than just kels, of course.
I value my friends, especially those who have demonstrated they value me.
I value my spaces, my communities.
I value my creativity, and pursuing my talents.
I value my skills as a teacher and healer, and hold the desire to mend others, to educate them, to help them.

​But kels is the thing I value most of all. They are my wife-to-be. They are the most important thing in the world to me.

So as far as I'm concerned...it's kels first, and all of the others are second, in balance with each other.

And when I take that into account...what's right for me to do in the moment? Is often to cherish my time with kels. To love them. To dote on them. To shower them with praise and affection. To give them gifts. "What you want...you get." is what I tell them. If they want something, they shall have it. Giving them my love is the right thing for me to do because I love them.

Building my life with them is the right thing, because they are my other half, and at this point I genuinely don't think I can live my life without them in it. I need to be there for them. I need to not feel like I have wasted my time with them. I need to not feel like I could have spent more time with them. Because I need to be there and experience life with them. That is the right thing for me to do, above all other things.

​And then when I look at all of the other things I value beyond kels...none of them involve coming forward about what happened last year. I don't value "doing the right thing" in the sense of preventing potential future or current victims from being further victimized. That would be altruistic. That would be selfless. That would be noble. But while past-me may have been of the mindset of pursuing that as the only right thing to do...now I know better. And as selfish as it may be...I care more about my future and present with kels. Which makes the right thing to do, not coming forward, because while it would potentially help others...it does nothing to help kels and I build our future together.

The right thing for me to do feels like to focus on that. On my future with the love of my life, and all who are still a part of my life.

If I were to come forward, then a lot of the people who previously cut me out of their lives may potentially want me back in their lives again...but if I'm being honest?

...In our current state, neither kels or I have the time/energy to handle the expanded network we used to have. We are in far fewer spaces than we were in a little over a year ago. (Well, it's getting closer to a year and a half at this point.) But a year and a half ago, we were both living at home with our families, basically not working, with a ton of free time and energy, and far fewer responsibilities. We had less to worry about, we had less we needed to do just to survive. We had the safety net of our families and the security to spend our time and energy more freely on others.

And right now?
...We don't.

We don't have that time or energy to spend on others, as we used to, because we are barely surviving as-is. We need to spend the extra time and energy we previously were spending on the people and communities we're currently no longer welcome in...on us.

In that sense, coming forward and being believed...would actually be WORSE for us than not being believed or not coming forward. Not being believed or not coming forward both has the same result: our circle of friends and spaces/communities remains much smaller than it previously was. It allows us to have both the time to focus on ourselves, AND the time to focus on our remaining friends and spaces.

​Basically, with our current situation...we need to spend some time and energy on ourselves, to secure our future. A year and a half ago, the time and energy we are currently spending on ourselves to secure our future was free to be spent elsewhere; now it's not.

Essentially...imagine there's a pool of 99 energy. 33-66 energy is needed for securing our future. 33 energy is needed for the current friends and spaces. 33-66 energy is required for the spaces we are no longer in. A year and a half ago, we were spending 0 energy on securing the future, leaving that 99 energy all for the friends and spaces.

​But if the friends and spaces we no longer have were to suddenly re-enter our lives right now...there would be a 33 - 66 energy deficit. We don't have the time/energy to handle the additional life responsibilities of securing our future (absent from last year), plus our current friends/spaces, IN ADDITION TO the friends/spaces we lost.

Which is why having lost those spaces is, while we are working on securing our future, a blessing; it allows us to have the energy we need to secure our future while not causing us to neglect our friends/spaces and still leave time for everything and everyone in our life right now.

...And since I believe we would be believed...

...That means I believe we would be welcomed back into at least some of the spaces we currently are not. Maybe not all! But at least SOME would welcome us back when they learn we're actually the victims and their actions were helping the perpetrators further harass us and drive us to the brink of killing ourselves repeatedly.

In that sense...in the here and now?

...It's actually better that they currently believe...well, whatever they believe.
Maybe they believe we're delusional--they believe we genuinely believe we've been harassed by problematic people, but they believe we're delusional and that we were problematic and the problematic people aren't problematic, essentially.

Maybe they believe we're problematic people--that we're actually just lying, and that we were never harassed, that we deserved everything which happened to us, that we aren't the victims but are perpetrators, that we know the problematic people aren't and are telling a lie.

​Maybe they believe it's somewhere between those two.

Maybe they believe the truth is more complex and that it's somewhere between what we have shared and what the problematic people have shared. That nobody is problematic, but believe the other 'side' to be more worth keeping in their space.

​Who knows what they believe. But whatever they believe, their belief is currently that I and kels are not worth associating with, are not worth having in their lives/spaces. For whatever their belief, the end result is the same. They don't want to be a part of our lives right now.

​And that's actually for the best...because if they believed that I was worth welcoming back into their life in any capacity...I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it right now.

Kels and I are struggling as-is to balance handling life and friends/spaces we still have.
Adding more people/spaces would lead to a greater struggle. I'd either end up neglecting life stuff or neglecting spaces/friends in ways I'm currently not.

​So...it's for the best for kels and I that they currently believe we're not worth having around, because we wouldn't be able to handle having them around despite efforts.

Kels and I are both chronic People Pleasers. We are both Empaths. We have the same habits/tendencies to devote all of our time/energy and then some to places we cherish and love, leaving us neglecting our personal lives. We want others to be happy. We want to help. We have that altruism, that love. We love people, we love spaces, we love communities, and give our heart and soul to them just out of that genuine love and support...

...So if someone wants to be in our lives...we let them be in our lives.

...And because every person/space in our lives takes time/energy, the more people who want us around...the more energy/time we spend on others, and the less we spend on ourselves.

​That's why I believe getting canceled was a blessing. It cut 90% of the people/spaces I was in, out of my life. That meant all of the time/energy spent on 90% of the people/spaces was suddenly freed up, to focus on me.

​And you know what...

...I trust in the universe, in my guides.

"All is as it should be."

Including those people currently being out of my life.

I genuinely believe that, down the line, when I have more stability in my life, that I will suddenly have the extra time/energy I once had--and when I have that extra time/energy back, I believe that's when the people who were once in my life but currently aren't, will begin to come back in.

That's why I feel like the truth will come out circa 2026 or sooner. I feel like kels and I will have successfully built a life together in that time. Gotten married, settled down, began a life. I feel like the problematic people being exposed as problematic will happen after kels and I have already rebuilt our lives, healed, and no longer are spending all our time/energy on just surviving.

When we are ready to accept more people into our lives, we will be allowed to, as it were. Friendships ended could be rekindled, should they so choose, because kels and I could handle it on our end and they would be willing to try on their end.

That is what I feel, deep down, at least.

So long as I am doing my part, but don't push myself too hard.

​Of course...all that said...

...If any of the people who aren't in my life read this blog...

...Please don't think it means you shouldn't try to become a part of my life.

"All is as it should be" applies to YOU as well!

If you are reading this blog...then trust there is a good reason for you to have read this blog.

If you are reading this blog, then the chances are the reason WHY you are reading it is BECAUSE you are ready to have me be a part of your life, and vice-versa.

Don't think that I won't have the time/energy for you.
Don't think that the time isn't right.
Don't think that you need to wait.
Don't think that you would be unwelcome.
Don't think that you would be rejected. (I will happily accept you.)
Don't think that me accepting you will cause me to overextend.
Don't think that you will be the straw to break my camel's back and cause me to overexert myself.

No.

If you are reading this blog, and if there is any interest in starting or rekindling a relationship with me--beit associate or friendship--then trust you were led here because it is your guides and the universe's way of telling you that you are in the right place and the right time to do exactly what you desire.

You read, or at least skimmed, this blog. You cared enough to spend the time/energy on it. You wanted to see some part of my life, at least in some small part. And if you did that...then you SHOULD be in my life, and I'll tell you why by letting you in on a little secret:

Everyone currently in my life? Once hadn't heard me out. Everyone who is currently in my life, once had a time when they hadn't listened to me, hadn't accepted me, hadn't told me they were welcome. There was a time when they hadn't done that...but once they did? They became, or remained, a part of my life, with a bond deepened by that trust, that reciprocation.

Your past actions don't matter.

Your fears about the change in life/circumstances don't matter.

Your worries of me being better off without you are exactly that. Anxieties, born of regrets and doubts.

But trust me. If you read this? You are worthy of being my friend, and if you want to be my friend, you can and SHOULD pursue it. It's the right thing for you to do, in the moment. And it will be a regret if you don't. I'm a catch. I'm growing into my greatest self yet. My journey has continued, and I'm even better to know now than I was a year and a half ago. You can watch me grow at any time, but I would love to have you here.

You just gotta have a little faith, that you're not going to weigh me down, that you're not going to be a problem, and that you will be welcomed and accepted. You are where you belong. And given the chance...I will love you. And that will not be a bad thing, because it will be the least you deserve. <3

Keep in mind, it's expressing months' worth of thoughts and revelations and breakthroughs and reflections, and I have ADHD, am distracted, have autism, and am multitasking, so my way of expressing it may not be as clear as I want. At this point though, I'm not really going to ask for forgiveness and beg to not be canceled or anything, for people to bear with me, etc. Bit late on that boat, that ship has sailed already. So, if my thoughts aren't perfect and it's something someone uses to paint me in a bad light...let them do that. I know who I am and who I am not, and if they want to paint me a certain way without actually talking to me, then they can be my guest, the people who care about me will talk to me.

On that note...

...I basically wanted to talk about my view on last year.

It's simultaneously both complex, and yet, not.

I know that my blogs have been all over the place in depicting what happened last year, so for those who weren't involved, it can be difficult to figure out wtf exactly went on. Well, guess what; I was the one who went through it and it's been so damn difficult for me to figure out wtf exactly went on I still haven't any clue, not truly, what to think of things. What I think changes moment to moment, day to day, month to month.

A lot of my growth over this year however has been in revising my internal view of last year, from my view as shown at the end of last year. I want to be clear that the actions we took are largely dependent on the character of one individual in particular--at one extreme, the actions we took were an echo chamber of a negative feedback spiral about a good person. For most of last year, as well as a great deal of this year, this is what I believed.

At the other extreme, the actions we took were actually underestimating the problematic nature of the person involved. We acted under the belief of that person being good, but flawed in ways detrimental to communities. We wanted to raise awareness of this, and have the person accept that, so they could grow, change, and become better, in ways they otherwise wouldn't. But at the other extreme...they were problematic and we were giving the benefit of the doubt where none was deserved.

I don't actually believe in either extreme. I think the actual truth is somewhere in the middle...but, despite how much I want to have my faith in humanity mean it was closer to the former...the red flags my fiance would later talk to me about, the bad vibes, and my own intuition are pushing me to believe the person is closer to the latter.

There is more. I spent the better part of a year believing my fiance had done something without being aware they had done something. Almost a full year after I was informed of it (I was informed of it on August 21st 2023 after hints on July 31st 2023, I talked about it with kels on August 4th, 2024), I can now confidently stand by them being innocent. I spent almost a full year believing "they are guilty of this, but don't know it; my love for them is greater than any arbitrary cutoff point", where I chose remaining with the love of my life no matter the consequences over cutting them out for what they allegedly did.

...And yet, after having shared with them what they were accused of...I believe them innocent now. I believe the accusation was false. There's only four people who could have made the accusation in the timeframe it was made. My fiance swears it wasn't the person who I spent a year thinking it was, and the other three are all people who would have made that accusation either as a lie they figured was harmless or out of malice/delusion (one of the two). A 3/4 chance of innocence is one I am all too happy to take, because the love of my life is worth having.

To some lesser extent, a lot of what went on last year also depends on the character of two ex-friends. When I shared with my fiance conversations I had with them, they pointed out to me how there was a contradiction in what these two had tried to tell me. How they had talked about stopping my fiance from doing some "stupid stuff", but left out exactly what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of was...for good reason, because what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of directly contradicted what I was being told my fiance was allegedly trying to do.

At the time, when the conversations first happened, on some level I was able to identify the dissonance between what they said and what I knew to be true of my fiance. But, I had believed at the time that they were accidental in those contradictions. When my fiance pointed the contradictions I had on some level detected, it cast doubt onto my world view of it having been accidental and has left me thinking they knowingly and deliberately were trying to gaslight me into dropping my at-the-time-friend.

​I still want to believe in the inner goodness of everyone. At the goodness extreme, everyone involved (the person, the accuser, the ex-friends, all 8 friends from March 19th to July 23rd, myself, my fiance) would all have been trying to do the right thing, but imperfections and misunderstandings and misinterpretations and a whole failure of communication and emotions running high and so on and so forth led to those imperfections, those flaws, badly interacting and a heated meltdown of things exploding, when in hindsight they should never have gotten that bad, and it's best everyone went their separate ways despite being good people.

...But as much as I want to believe in that extreme...I can't.

I don't believe the other extreme either, as vindicating as it would be. I don't think the person who caused all of this is secretly a monster nobody knew was one. I don't believe the accuser would be a completely horrible person through and through. I don't believe the ex-friends are terrible people. Any of those being true would be incredibly cathartic, but I doubt them to be true, as much as it would be healing for it to be.

...However...

...A large part of the healing process for me is realizing that wherever the middle ground is...it's okay for me to believe that the individuals in question are closer to the latter than the former...at least in key ways. I believe the person isn't a good person in at least a few key ways. As many red flags as I can wave off with justifications, some just cannot be explained as anything but a red flag, meaning they have some clear problematic traits that are just problematic. Depending on who the accuser was, if it was one of two of the three who would make the false accusation then they are someone who would be prone to rewriting events, lying to others either deliberately or accidentally, and their own loved ones would call them out on their bullshit. If it was the third of the three then it would've been a lie they figured was harmless to tell not realizing it would carry consequences for me and my fiance down the line. And the ex-friends did try to gaslight me, deliberately.

Those are all true. Them having done that doesn't mean they need to be monsters. Or even horrible people. But they did do bad things and have bad traits that led to both my fiance and myself nearly killing ourselves twice. In  the July-August 2023 range Kels wrote a letter, had it planned out, exactly how they were going to unalive themself, and only my presence saved them. I fell into that depression hole badly in December 2023 and again in June-July 2024. My fiance relapsed in April 2024 too. We have genuinely had brushes with death owing to the events which happened in that timeframe...

...And that is something which it is okay to note as having been Not Okay to have been put through. A lot of the growth I've gone through is realizing that no matter how well-intentioned the people involved are (and, again, it's possible the intentions were not in fact well-intentioned and were in fact malicious), me and my fiance were victims of a misinformation campaign, of bullying and harassment designed to isolate us.

I also want to be clear...I know our own actions were worth criticising, regardless of circumstances or justification. Even if it's true that my fiance was within their legal right to pursue legal action, bringing that up even in an informative way could reasonably be interpreted as a threat. Even if it was on the advice of the ex-friends, my fiance's pursuit of trying to sort things out could be interpreted as spreading it around (although I believe this trait was maliciously exaggerated).

And on my end...I was emotionally compromised. We both were. Being emotionally compromised, and on the defensive, we made mistakes. We reacted poorly. We lashed out. And depending on the characters of the individuals involved...a lot of the actions leading up to it are also things of questionable "shoulda known better", as it were. We didn't do things as we ought to have, regardless.

And when it all blew up, we reacted poorly. On my end, I was furious. I was angry. I refused to believe my friend-at-the-time could be anything but the friend I knew, and was angry at everyone taking action against them, believing them wrong. And I lashed out under this belief, essentially of my now-fiance having been perfect and having done no wrong whatsoever. I argued, very extensively, very harmfully, with the now-ex-friends, because to me friendship is the most important thing in the world and I would do anything for a friend, and I was already in love with kels at the time.

​I also believed myself to be a monster. "Kels can't be a monster, because I know what a monster is, because *I* am a monster" was a thought I had. My imposter syndrome, various anxieties, depression, and my past all led me to believe that I was a hurtful, problematic monster, just faking being a good person, that my true self was me at my darkest, me at my worst, and that the good I had done was all an illusion, an act, all me pretending, all me trying to get something, all me furthering a personal agenda.

And under that belief, I said some very harmful things, including in my now-deleted blog posts. I degraded the value of communities and friendships I had, in a place of my internal anxieties and in an incredibly emotionally compromised state.

I did not handle things well.

Regardless of the character of the others involved, my part as well as my fiance's part will always be one where we did have failings. No matter how well-intentioned we were, no matter how much we were trying to do the right thing, no matter how hurt we were, how emotionally compromised we were, no matter how much we were trying our best at the time...we made mistakes. We messed up. And it would be irresponsible of me to not learn from those failings. It would be delusional to think we were perfect and could not have done better. It would be wrong to say we were 100% in the right.

​...But healing has come from realizing we were not 100% in the wrong, either. We WERE trying our best. We WERE trying to do the right thing. We DID have good reason to be emotional. Anyone put on the defensive, anyone emotionally compromised, IS going to lash out.

And all of this applies, regardless of where the individuals fall on the spectrum of good to problematic.

The further they are from being good, the more I can stand proud in where I chose to be, essentially.

I can acknowledge my mistakes. I can acknowledge I messed up. I can acknowledge I had failings. But if the people are closer to the problematic side...then in the grand scheme of things...then I can stand proud for doing my best to do the right thing, and look back and say I ultimately, flawed as it was, stood by what really mattered, what was truly important, what most was worth protecting and pursuing.

​And...that is largely why I say I feel time will vindicate us. I believe we will be vilified. I believe a lot of the things believed of us, a lot of the bad things we are believed to have done, will be revealed as the misinformation they are, and how that misinformation spread will be exposed, down the line.

I believe that the problematic people will be exposed. That the individual who kicked this off will have their flaws exposed at some point, that our ex-friends chose their friendship with this person over doing the right thing and over their friendship with my fiance, that the ex-friends used the lie told to them about my fiance to justify harassing me when I pursued my happiness with my fiance, and how people all trying to do the right thing ended up as pawns because they believed that misinformation and acted on it, spread it, and helped propagate the harassment.

I believe time will reflect well on us and poorly on those who kicked off the misinformation campaign against us. Because I believe a lot of the things that are currently private will be exposed, with time, and in the public eye be scrutinized and have people go, "wait a sec..." at their prior assumptions on how things went down.

I spent most of 2023 believing me and my fiance were in the wrong. I spent the first half of 2023 by and large walking to a middle ground of "everyone was both in the right AND in the wrong". But a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I am not a monster and never have been. I was right about my fiance, and their innocence. I was RIGHT to stick with them, especially since they are the love of my life. I have always been a kind, caring, compassionate person, loving, and supportive. I've only gotten better at being a good friend, but I always was one, even at my lowest point.

We may or may not have been in the right, but we believed we were, and acted as best we could. We did the best we could at the time to do the right thing. We were good people then, and are even better people now. And that is true, regardless of the characters of the people involved.

I am worth having and keeping as a friend. I spread joy and positivity in all spaces I am welcome. I am there for friends. A big healing moment was when I went from going, "all I HAVE is words, I have no actions I possibly can take" (a mistaken belief I held at the beginning of 2024) to realizing that in actuality, those words I gave WERE actions, because of their consistent investment of time, energy, and presence, that level of investment, where I was THERE, and I CARED, and I showed it by carefully crafting those words.

There was healing involved in realizing me carefully crafting words wasn't manipulation...it was CARE. Care, because I wanted to give the most support and love, to do the best thing, to help as much as I possibly could. Those words were actions.

And I believe time will show a lot of the things thought to have been malicious from me, thought to be bad, thought to be harmful, will be shown with time to be exactly what they were. Maybe imperfect, but always sincere, genuine efforts to do the right thing, to do the best I could, to love, to support, to help, as best as I could.

​I know it can be hard to believe that I genuinely love everyone, especially communities I believe are found family, but I believe with time people will realize just how sincere my love was, how pure and innocent it was. Naive, to be sure. Maybe overly optimistic! Stupidly idealistic. But sincere. Not an act. Not faked. Not done with an agenda. Pure, genuine love.

I believe my actions are going to be seen and understood a lot more with time.
I believe people are going to reflect back and think what I did makes a lot more sense with time.
I believe people are going to see what I did and not just understand, but agree, and think in my shoes they would do the same.

And I believe, as the people involved have what they did and continue to do exposed, a lot of the misinformation will be exposed as having been exactly that.

But ultimately...even if it never does get exposed...I ultimately don't care. I am healing. The people who remain in my life are the people who most matter to me. I have a feeling a lot of what we went through is going to get exposed, and people are going to be mortified about how two people were twice nearly driven to unalive themselves from the misinformation campaign, and realize a lot of the actions they took in the name of trying to safeguard their spaces were actually doing the exact opposite.

Yet, even if they never know...even if they never learn...then I don't care. I am going to pursue my happiness. I am going to pursue having a life, with my loved ones. I have to follow my own truths. I constantly visit the past, with doubts. But deep down, I know. I believe in my own inner goodness, and the goodness in most people. And I believe that despite the mistakes, I am allowed to heal, and to have happiness. I am allowed to have friends, and spaces where I am welcomed, even valued.

We deserve to have friends, and be supported. We are supportive. We are loving. I spread joy and positivity. I know my value. And it's okay to have that.

It's a challenge. Basically, I don't want to believe myself perfect. Nor my fiance, despite how much I love them. I don't want to believe we were completely in the right. I don't want to ignore the pain, I don't want to ignore the hurt. I don't want to believe I did nothing wrong. You get the idea.

But, I also want to be realistic and honest. And being realistic and honest...no. We did not deserve what we have gone through and continue to go through. We are not the horrible people we're now widely believed to be. We are not the problematic people who deserved to be cut out. We were never given a chance to share our perspective, and had we been given that opportunity, a lot would have been different in a way that would have left far less harm.

​I have made mistakes, but a lot of my mistakes were in thinking I had made mistakes I actually never made. A lot of my mistakes were in accepting everyone's views as valid except my own. Believing everyone else was right except for me. Believing I was always in the wrong and could never be in the right. A lot of my mistakes were in over-valuing the input of others, and taking their views as infallible, believing they couldn't be wrong, and that I had to be mistaken, I had to have messed up, I had to have been the problem.

And a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem. Nor was my fiance. We were never a danger to communities. We were never a threat to anyone. A lot of the issues would have been solved by better communication, but the failure to communicate was not on our end.

People never talked to us.

And I genuinely believe...down the line...they are going to learn...they weren't as in the right as they believed.

But, that is their journey to take, not mine.

My journey has already largely happened, with the healing of realizing exactly who I am, and who I am NOT. I am NOT a monster. I am NOT a problem. I AM a supportive friend, who gives my all to the people I love. I AM very loving, with a genuine love of humanity and doubly so for found families. I AM kind, caring, compassionate, loving, empathetic, and supportive. I AM a good friend.

It's okay to heal. It's okay to find peace. And it's okay to have people love me, and to love them, and to be with people who match my energy.

And that is why my life is as good as it is.

I am happy.

I am content.

I have a world view that I believe is very conductive to spreading joy and positivity.

I have an outlook I feel is great for bonding.

​I just...think I have a lot of good things going for me. And I don't think them delusional. They are true, and while I might not be able to express things, I may be able to fully lay things out...I feel I will have history see me and know I had a good perspective. Not perfect, mind you! I'm still improving. I'm still refining. But really good.

And that's been very healing.

What I mean by a "cheater blog" is that I'm going to be taking a few of my recent 'unofficial blog' posts on my main Twitter and my Threads account (links to the main things I'm copying), rather than writing a blog for today from scratch.

I suppose I'll mention; I'm not looking forward to a work meeting today, and have a lot of work work to do, but I'll get through it somehow.

I've gotta be quick though as I've got daily morning routine tasks to do, like showering, meds, eating breakfast, etc.

So, to copy my unofficial blog posts on social media;

It took me a lot of time to figure out "what is 'right'" to do, but I did come to an answer eventually. Turns out it's both a lot more complex, but also a lot simpler, than I had thought. Do what feels right for YOU to do, in the moment; what that is, changes with time and life.

I also call it "pursue the path of least regret". You will always regret what you didn't do and the consequences of what you did/didn't do. Choose whatever you feel you will least regret later. For me, that's pursuing my happiness and peace, healing and finding contentness. <3

kels and I have been calling each other "my wife" recently. The wedding might not be until October 31st 2025, but while that will be a ceremony and a piece of paper, for all intents and purposes, we may as well already be married. Together, forever, for the rest of eternity. <3

We are happy. We are doing well. We are content.

And I have thought a lot about the future, and the people in it.

I've been reflecting a lot on friendship.
This might sound a bit harsh, but it's ultimately a hard truth I was forced to learn.
I will never again make the mistake of tiering friendships, but, I want to express how there's three groups of people for me, which are essentially "how much energy/time I'm willing to give them." (Able will always sadly be lower.)

The first group, who I will give literally anything and everything to, are those who have seen me at my lowest and stuck with me. They've seen my darkest aspects, all of my negative traits, every trait of mine SEEN as something negative...and chose to stay. They supported me, and have reciprocated the love I give them with their own when I most needed it. They didn't care about my failings. They cared about their friend.

I twice nearly caved to suicidal impulses in the last year. Those people saved my life. I owe everything to them. And I can never pay them back. They saw the real me, before I could. I dealt with crippling anxieties, depression, and imposter syndrome where I thought myself a monster--and every friend cutting me out only fueled those thoughts. I trusted their judgement, and they judged me problematic, and I didn't want to live because who wants to be a source of pain? I didn't want to.

Every person who heard how horrible I was, but then rather than believe it, heard me out, listened to me, supported me, who valued the friend they knew rather than the threat to communities they heard I was, who valued me over my darkness, who saw the light in me when all I could see was my shadow? They have helped me grow, see my strength, and heal. I owe them my life, quite literally, and will give my all to them.

The second group is those who likely never knew what I was going through, or at least, not the full extent. These are the people who never heard the other side. The people who never heard about any problematic behavior I had allegedly done. They never saw my darkness, they never heard of the harm I caused, they never knew of any hurt, of any alleged behavior I had shown worthy of canceling, of being cut out. They never knew.

Whether they would care or not doesn't really matter. Maybe they'd join those who cut me out. Maybe they'd join those who stuck with me. The thing which makes me value them is that they still helped me, in my lowest times. These people supported me and gave me love and vibes during my lowest times, regardless of how they may not have known how badly I was in need of their love.

These people helped save my life, despite not knowing my life needed to be saved, or not knowing why, or not knowing that I had that darker side that I had almost lost my life to the consequences of it. And so, I will always owe them a debt of gratitude, and will do whatever I can for them. I might not be able to give them all of my heart and soul, but anything I can give them, I will, because they deserve that and more.

Then there's the third group: all potential future friends. Which is...almost every human. There's people I would never want to befriend, there's people I could never befriend, but by and large, I treat everyone as if they are a potential future friend, because you never know...one day, they might be! After all...most humans are worth befriending. The limits of time/energy as well as circumstances of needing a way to have met and connected limit us, but...

...The way I see it. Those limits, sad as they are, don't change the truth about the individuals. They are worth befriending. They are worth being friends with. They are funny, they are quirky, they are talented, they have interesting lives, they have love, they have ways they support people, they are good, they try to do good, and left to their own devices, are passionate about a lot of interesting things, with all those skills they never think actually are, but which truly are.

One of my greatest sadnesses is that all of the people with those traits, I will only know a fraction of a fraction of them. In my lifetime, I will only know a few thousand people, and be close with a few hundred or so. (Might be off by one zero, could be few ten thousand and close to a few thousand, but you get the sentiment.) The people worth knowing number in the billions.

I can never be friends with everyone. Barriers exist. Vibes not matching, languages not connecting, places too far removed, time/energy, circumstances, etc. You get the idea. But most people are worth being friends with, even if I can't actually be friends with them. So I treat them all with the energy to match, because they deserve it in their life.

And, yes, this group also includes those who cut me out when they heard about my darkness and believed it true. I have faith the truth will come out, probably sooner rather than later, without me needing to go public about what actually went down in 2023 to cause all of the hurt. I kinda feel by vibes it's likely in or before 2026. Some time within the next two years, I feel, time will be kind to me and my fiance for what happened last year. We'll be vindicated then.

A lot of misinformation got spread, from either outright lies or truths maliciously portrayed as being something sinister that never was there. I feel, without me needing to self-advocate publicly, without me needing to come forward, people will on their own realize "...wait...", and then things will fall into place as to how the public at large was led to be agents in bullying and harassing two people to the point where they both nearly self-unalived twice each.

A lot of the people who thought they were doing the right thing by cutting me out will realize what I was a victim of and realize to their horror they were taking part in that campaign with their choices, especially if they spread that version of me to others who then acted on it themselves.
They were hurt, but they were hurt by a version of me that never actually existed. They were hurt by a fictional version of me spread maliciously behind closed doors. That hurt was real, yes.

But what was also real is that I was exactly the friend and community member they had always known publicly. I was exactly what they saw on a daily basis. What was there was exactly what it seemed to be: a loving, supportive person, spreading joy and positivity, making silly jokes, uplifting people, trying to be there for them. And while I certainly have my failures, that is who I always was, and I've only gotten BETTER at being exactly that over the last year or so.

When the truth comes out, about how all of the bad things they thought I was, were all from me just trying to do the right thing and being my natural supportive, loving self? A lot of the people who cut me out may have a lot of thoughts, thoughts I can only imagine what they will be.

But on my end...they never stopped being my friends and found family. They made the decision to cut me out, but at any point, they can make the decision to want me back in their space...and I will happily welcome them back into mine, because I hold no ill will to them, no bad feelings. I love them. I wouldn't be very loving if I rejected them when they were trying to do the right thing and/or acted from a place of having been hurt.

I know a lot of them will feel awkward, or feel like they can't rebefriend me, or feel guilt, or feel unworthy, or feel like they cannot make amends, or so on or so forth. And maybe they never want to reconnect, feeling like too much has changed, that we've drifted apart naturally and the things we bonded over no longer bond us together. You know, the things which friendships end up dissolving over with time naturally.

And that's valid! But for any who have any part of them that may want to reconnect...I will happily do my part to.
Past friends can become future friends, just as past strangers can become future friends. The process may be different, the results are the same. Everyone is a potential future friend to me. Well, just about everyone. (You get the idea.)
And thus, all potential future friends get the same treatment from me; I try to give them as much as I can, within reason.

I can't give people as much time or energy as I want. But they all deserve it. I hate having to prioritize, because I can't do everything. But I will continue to do all that I can, for all of them, because humans are great. They are creative, passionate, supportive, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, funny, and great at giving vibes. I love them all.

I have such love to give to the world. Time, energy, ability, and circumstances limit my ability to give it, but the world deserves that level of love regardless of whether I actually give it. And I truly hope everyone reading this can receive some love themselves. You deserve it. <3

Both kels and I are doing fantastic, overall. In every way, save for one, our lives are as good as can be, pretty much.

That one way is, in the grand scheme of things, a small bump in an otherwise wondrous road filled with happiness. But it's why blogging hasn't been happening regularly, and a stressor, which has caused the closest thing me and my wife-to-be have ever gotten to a fight. It's something leaving us frustrated, angry, stressed, and often, feeling a bit hopeless and trying to figure out what we can do. And...we don't really know, honestly.

And that one thing is finances.

Along with the stress of work, particularly my frustratingly terrible work schedule not to mention a work environment where I am feeling like I'm basically one small misstep away from potentially losing it, despite how screwed we would be without it.

I can't go into detail too much about my work stressors, but I can mention that my current schedule is horrible. All-day Sundays (early morning to evening, legit takes ALL of the day), Monday Mornings, then Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday evenings. Which is a horrible schedule. I do not like it. If I wasn't an Aquatic Lead and if I didn't need the money desperately, I would be setting a hard work boundary. Making it set so I can ONLY work the morning shift, NOTHING ELSE.

The only reasons I haven't done that is because I feel like as an Aquatic Lead if I were that inflexible I wouldn't be an Aquatic Lead, and that I need money so I need all the shifts I can work.

But, to be clear. I do not like those shifts. The culture of the shifts is worse. It's more chaotic, more hectic, rather than chill. It has a lot more kids a lot more consistently. It doesn't have the schedule I prefer. It doesn't have the patrons I have rapport with. It leaves me with less free time every single day, and said free time is at a worse time of the day for me. All of my friends work morning shifts and are free in the afternoon to evening. With me working night shifts, I'm working during the time they are free and free during the times they are working. So...I am unhappy with work, in numerous ways.

And work has left me severely burnt out--thus the struggle to do daily tasks like blogs. I haven't been able to sit down and just let my thoughts out, both the bad and all of the good.

And finances remain terrible. My fiance has been looking for a job for over a year, to no success so far. Our life expenses have been draining finances for the entire time we've had an apartment together. I've twice received temporary lifelines. Once, from my parents bailing me out. A second time, from a friend repaying a loan I gave them. But those lifelines have run out. And the gradual drain is about to put us in the red. I don't care about money, because money is just a tool used to obtain things, and I care more about happiness and living my life than money. But...there IS a bare minimum needed to live life, and currently...we are below it. And about to run into the red because we are below the minimum.

And like...there's ways to get more out of the money we have. There's money-saving things we probably would be eligible for! ...If not for the fact our lives are being sucked out by my current work schedule draining our souls. The two problems build off each other. I'm working to the point of being beyond exhausted, which leaves me unable to pursue the means to optimize our income, which feeds into the problem, essentially.

And...I just want to break this downward financial spiral. We need to have a little bit more, both in time and in funds. We are so close to having stability across ALL aspects of our lives. If we aren't constantly worried about going into the red, then I can safely afford to cut back on work. And with me not burnt out, then we can see what we can qualify for, what we can optimize, what we can budget, basically get a stable routine we can consistently follow. We can begin to save, while also still living life in the moment with small luxury expenses here and there.

We are SO CLOSE to having that. We just...aren't there right NOW, and that's causing a lot of anger, stress, and frustration, because we know we are so close to having all of our plans begin to work out...but right now, they're not. Right now, we keep on having to make sacrifice after sacrifice, hard choice after hard choice, limit after limit, disappointment after disappointment. And we're close to the brink, especially with how we don't have much hope of breaking this cycle completely on our own. We're going to need help, despite how much we hate asking for help.

​So...that is the main hurdle right now.

But, I do want to reiterate. In all other aspects, our lives are going well. Kels might be frustrated wedding planning has taken a backseat due to the financial stress, but we are by and large? HAPPY.

Mentally, I have been fantastic. While there's been a couple brushes with depression, I am highly content.

I truly believe time will vindicate us both. All of the misinformation maliciously spread about us will be exposed. The lies and malevolent half-truths will be exposed as having been exactly that. The truth will come forward, and people will realize that we are exactly the kind, caring, compassionate people we always appeared to be. That we were people pleasers, who cared about our communities more than anything else, that we would do anything for our friends, that we would give all the love and support to those we care about, and that all of the things we were accused of ended up perverting those acts of love to be something sinister they never were.

I have gone on a great healing journey. I've learned I was always better than I gave myself credit for, I was trying my best at the time, and was just trying to do the right thing. I've recognized, yes, I did make mistakes...but I've learned from them, grown, and as good as I was back then, I am BETTER now.

I have become more loving and supportive than ever before.

I have become more driven and passionate than I was.

I have more to share with the world than I did before.

I spread joy and positivity in all the spaces I am in.

And I am manifesting my marriage to my future-wife. When I look at my fiance, I see them as my wife. I am manifesting us having the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025. The witchy yet still somewhat traditional wedding, in a venue we both like, that has some of those closest in our lives. Not everyone can come, of course, but those that do will get to see that love, that humor, that joy, that positivity, as we vow to be together, forever, for the rest of eternity.

I am okay with life, being fairly chill. I'm content with what we have. I don't need to have all my dreams come true. I just need to live life, moment to moment, and with the love of my life by my side, who I give all the everything to. They are my greatest source of happiness, and the person who makes me feel alive.

We are living. We are having fun. We are enjoying events. We are enjoying the presence of each other. And we have wonderful friends who remain in our life and are great.

​We just need that little bit extra to secure the rest of our lives together, where we will be able to get everything we want rather than needing to make the hard choices and sacrifices and being overwhelmed and burnt out.

And to that end...

...I have opened commissions on my ko-fi.

And Chloe the bunnygirl, one of our two main fronters, is launching a Patreon of her modeling and dancing.

​This month, I don't need much to get by. $50 - 200 should do the trick.
And we're pushing, hard, to get to a place where this is the last month where we struggle this badly.
But, we are in a place right now where we need that little bit of help.

And all we can really say is...we are hoping to repay the kindness, generosity, and love showed to us, when we are in a place where we have the stability to do so.

I want to repay all of the kindness and love and support we have given.

And I believe I can, and will. I believe in my ability to succeed. I have ideas for music, content creation, songs, and books. I believe I will become a published author, and potentially a musician, or at least a composer.

I know I won't be able to make everything I want to. Not all the art, webcomics, stories, etc. But I also know I can make at least the ones which matter most to me. I believe in my ability to make them. I just need a small final boost to get into the situation where I am set up to succeed in making them.

Thank you for bearing with me, and being on this wonderful journey. When we get through this struggle...we will be set up for so many wonderful things. <3

It's a lot less difficult than days have been for me previously, around June 2024 and December 2024 (both which had me get suicidal at points). In fact, my current level of depression feels like it's the level of "healthy" depression, normal levels of depression, rather than levels that are debilitating and leave me wanting to die.

Which is to say; I'm down, I'm depressed, but I'm not badly depressed. I'm not in pain. I'm not suffering. I'm just kinda apathetic and lazy, rather than crying and miserable. Not great, mind you, but better than I have been when depression has hit before.

This level of depression, I can handle. I can manage. I can live with. The depression I had before, I could not.

It still sucks to be depressed, especially for no reason. This wasn't triggered. It just was.

But! I know it's not as bad as my depressive episodes were in the past, and today is a lot more up and down than my depression days normally have been.

By which, I mean, there's waves of sadness, but the sadness is not a constant.

I am happy, energetic, and enthusiastic still, I just also have low points which are lower than the high highs.

I guess if I were to describe this. Think of the ground level as neutral. Previously, I was sinking below the ocean down to the depths of depression, and my highest highs were like climbing a tree at ground level; barely above zero.

Now, my depression is basically just tripping and falling down to ground level, and my highest highs are me soaring above the mountains, flying about as I please.

I am happy, and largely content.

But, I also don't want to suppress the moments of sad. It comes in waves. Where I'll trip to fall to the ground and then fly then trip. But it's not constantly submerged, and that's good. There's been an entire shift in where the neutral/resting points are, where now the average is at least having climbed the tree at minimum. Stooping closer to the ground than the tree sucks, but it's not life-shattering. I know I will pick myself back up.

So, I'm letting myself feel the feelings, and reminding myself they will pass, and when they pass, I will feel all the love and support I have in my life. I can't be happy all of the time, and I need to remember that, and that this moment of not being happy is normal because nobody is happy all of the time.

But, I am happy most of the time, and that is a definitive improvement. Today is lower than most days, but I am still optimistic.

I am going to manifest the future I want with my fiance.

Every time I look at them, I see my wife. I already think of them as my wife. I can see our future together, with them as my wife. I am manifesting it being the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025, not at a courthouse but a proper wedding. I see us living together, happily, into 2026. (The reason I say 2026 is I lowkey just kinda feel like if the streamer who my fiance believes is a POS is in fact monstrous, I don't think it'd be exposed in 2025. I think it'd either be this year or 2026, with the latter as the more likely. Just kinda vibes, instinct, if you will.)

I see us together, living happily, living our lives relatively comfortably. We might not have the life we want to have, but we won't be miserable. We will be content, we will be happy. We will have plenty of love and support all along the way, and will be much loved. And because I see it and am manifesting it...

...I am carrying that happiness forward into our lives in the present. I carry that energy into my life every day. I am content, as we are. I am happy, as we are. Our life isn't perfect, but it's still a wonderful one where I feel so loved.

I know I am amazingly blessed. And I just...feel so positive about the future.

I can feel it.

I know there will be challenges! I know there will be setbacks! I know we need to put in the work to manifest it, it won't just manifest magically on its own without us putting in the effort. But, I can sense it.

We are going to build a life together.
We are going to be happy, together. Forever, for the rest of eternity.
I am already happy with them, and that happiness will only grow with time. That level of contentness will only strengthen, to become stronger and more than ever before.

The good will only get better, becoming great.

And I can sense it. That love, that support.

And that's why I've been able to carry this shifted outlook so well recently.

I just saw a vision of the future, and unlike all of the visions which were what-if spiraling...this one was one I felt was partially already real, and just needs time and a small push to be real fully.

So like...I have an entirely different outlook on life. Instead of doubting things will ever happen, I now know they will, and that the setbacks we face are challenges we will overcome to become stronger and more connected than ever before.

Instead of giving up, I am seeing the silver linings, how to pivot.

I know some situations just suck, but I see what can be used from them, by and large.

I see the way to spin the positives from events which others see as only negative.

And I am going to use that positivity to make good on my promise. I made a resolution last year to spread joy and positivity to all in my life. I'm going to make good on that. Because while days like today are a low point for me, my life as a whole is only growing higher and higher. I no longer fear it crashing down again. I'm no longer afraid of loss. I'm no longer afraid of things not working. I'm not worried about the dissonance between my hopes and aspirations versus the destruction of my life from problems.

I'm just...so optimistic about the future.

And I want to carry that energy to all who will let me give it to them. <3

Part of it has been the challenges of life, in particular, a shifted work schedule. There's a reason once the July schedule hit, I suddenly became a lot less available; work was keeping me that way, and still is this month too.

I've been exhausted, with no time or energy.

And, part of it has just been that I have too much to say.

I haven't been blogging in part because I haven't had the time to unpack what I wanted to say.

I suppose I'll start with saying this.

I love the world. I love the people within. I love people. I love humans. I love the communities I am in, and I loved the communities I no longer am in. I love my friends, and I love the people who once called me friend. I love everyone, to varying degrees. And I think that's important to note.

I can't say it as eloquently as when I was telling it to someone else who needed the reassurance, but our society has had a tendency to over-correct for certain behaviors. For instance, the term lovebombing is wonderful to know. The moment we knew what the term lovebombing was, we could identify lovebombing as lovebombing, and cut out the toxic manipulative people using it as a manipulation tactic. A good thing, to be sure...

...But then, people over-corrected. And started calling perfectly normal, healthy behavior, lovebombing.

Gift-giving can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love, it's a way to draw people in, it's a way to get them to trust you, etc. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Can. Gift-giving is not inherently manipulative. Gift-giving is not inherently lovebombing. Gift-giving is a love language. Many people give gifts to express their love, regardless of what the type of love that is, and they are not manipulative or manipulators.

It's important to recognize the distinction between the two. Lovebombing is a manipulation tactic manipulators use to gain something. But gift-giving is also something can do to express their unconditional love, and that is one of the most beautiful forms of love there is.

Showering with affection can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love. It's a way to make people feel loved, appreciated, but then to exert control by making that love have requirements, or to have that love be for a purpose. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Showering with affection is not inherently manipulative. This one is actually more important to realize and recognize, because while gift-giving is understood as a form of love language fairly easily (we give gifts on birthdays and Christmas and to loved ones and to significant others all the time), as a society we tend to have been numbed to genuinely complimenting people with pleasantries beyond the standard.

But all the same, showering with affection IS a love language, a la Gomez Addams showering his wife with unending praise and affection. There tends to be a stigma about "showing with actions rather than words", and that the words of showering with praise aren't actions, but those words when backed by time, investment, and consistency ARE actions. They are a form of showing how much you love someone by finding and crafting the words that demonstrate it.

There was a time when we had an understanding of this in some form. Writing poetry was seen as a grand romantic gesture, of displaying true love. Similarly so for songs. But when you take it into a different medium of just speech, people tend to think that somehow, it's not the same level of having been made and crafted with words. What you say, what you take time to write, what words you decide to make into praise, all of those? They ARE a love language.

And many people, myself included, gift words, showering with praise, as our way of expressing love, regardless of what type of love that is. It's particularly the case for me because I'm not talented enough to create gifts for people and even if I were I don't have the time to invest because I can't make them quickly. It's not a skill I have, not naturally at least. I can't give monetary gifts either because I'm basically broke. My financial situation continues to be terrible, so I can't give gifts.

So...what can I give? Not crafted gifts, not bought gifts, what way of expressing love do I have left? ...Words. That's all I have. Words, to express myself, to give my love to all in my life, and to show how much I care about them. Spreading joy and positivity, with words of encouragement, of support, of laughter, of love. 

And while my imposter syndrome will tell me I am a manipulator...that the skills of manipulation are so ingrained in me that I can't not manipulate people...

...if I am actually honest with myself...

...I am not a manipulator by taking the time to craft my words. I'm just choosing the best way to express myself, to express my love, and am being considerate, kind, and caring.

And I think that's important to recognize.

Which...brings me to the next thing.

I have such love of people, and I truly wish to see the best in them all.

I have this belief. "Most humans are good, but all humans are imperfect." Most humans are good, but all humans are flawed. Most humans are good, but all humans make mistakes.

And I try to live my life understanding others with compassion, empathy, and truly trying to see their perspective. I don't believe in "sides" for most issues, because there's not sides to be taken; there's perspectives to understand and then process to form our own. There's no judgement, there's only processing information and deducing things from it.

And...like, I'm pretty good at understanding. I'm pretty good at seeing the other perspectives. I'm pretty good at filling in the gaps, seeing their viewpoints, etc. But not perfect. And the only way I can get better is by people sharing, so I can know. Communication is a skill which seems to have been by and large lost. There's breakdowns of conversations, rather than trying to work through the issues.

I know it seems unrealistic, but the stereotypical Disney Channel Original Movie (or similarly so for shows reaching a climax of episodes and especially seasons) have a cliche:
Character A lays out the flaws of Character B, but apologies for their own, understands them, and tries to make it up.
Character B apologies for their flaws, understands them, lays out Character A's flaws, but understands them, and wants to make it up.
This can go back and forth for a bit, but then...

...something magical happens:
...They reconcile through this. By acknowledging their faults and shortcomings, but sharing their perspective to not be walked all over, calling the other side out, but understanding them, the communication doesn't break down, and they hug, and then things are good again.

...It sounds unrealistic, doesn't it?

...But my question is; why?
Why can't we do exactly that?

Why isn't that exactly how we SHOULD do things?

Why should we need to cut ties with people, why should we need to end things, why should we need to distance ourselves?

Obviously, we can choose to, if reconciliation is truly impossible.

But why is there such a societal pressure where you NEED, you MUST, cut ties, rather than trying to heal?

Why CAN'T we resolve it like characters from a Disney Channel Original Movie?
Why can't we talk it out, with us establishing our perspective, but accepting the perspective of others? Why can't we admit we could be mistaken in some areas but stand firm in saying we aren't mistaken in others? If both sides do so and there aren't irreconcilable cases...

...Why can't we keep the people we love, as people we love?

I genuinely don't understand why the instinct is to cut out rather than to hold conversation.

I get cutting out people who were actively harmful and toxic. That needs no explanation. But why would you cut out a loved one for what amounts to something which wasn't that level of harmful and toxic? Why is EVERY hurt met with "distance, cut out"? Why is EVERY pain met with that level of withdrawal and giving up on keeping the person as a loved one? That's what I don't get. If the love is there...isn't it worth trying to keep?

​So on my end...I try to keep the line of communication open. To understand, to try and get it.

But there's some things I can't get, and they challenge my perspective on people being good.

There are people who I want to believe are good, yet flawed, but...sometimes, those people take actions that I can't figure out how they could be taken by a good person.

Which brings me to the main thing I wanted to say.
And it's sharing, without namedropping, a dilemma I've had.

I've considered going public about what happened last year, from March 21st 2023 through July 2023 with some spillover that has followed us to this day. As a form of self-advocacy, to explain in public our perspective when almost nobody was willing to hear us out. (The only people who did were close friends.) Yet...another reason I've considered going public is because if I am wrong about the people being good...then they have red flags that are alarming, dangerous, and could continuously cause harm if not addressed.

I want to be clear. I am intent on moving on. My fiance and I want to move on, rebuild our lives, and not dwell on the past. We want to be happy. We want to enjoy life, be content. We are much loved by our friends, and I in particular have a lot of love to give. I want to spread the love to those who will allow me to, pursue my creative endeavors, and basically live life.

I don't want to go public anymore. Despite how I got a reading which said it would go really well, despite how I believe me going public would enlighten people, shed some light on things, make people reconsider, and essentially launch an entire inquiry into how things happened the way they did and how the lies about us spread as they did. I know good would come from sharing...but I don't want to, because I instead want to share on moving on, on protecting my peace, on healing, on becoming better, stronger, more empathetic, more learned, and more incredible and wonderful a human than ever before.

Yet it does bear mentioning.
There are some red flags I want to at least air out.

Most of the red flags are things I can think of innocent justifications for.

There's one or two that I cannot.

So I will share at least this much, without namedropping names. Those who read this blog will likely know the names, although nobody reads my blog. But if anyone were to, they would likely know who I am talking about.

Last year, my fiance was a mod for a streamer.
That streamer has a sizeable community.
Some of those community members are friends, and last year, I was invited by a community member to be part of their private friend server. It's on that community member's server that my fiance and I bonded, becoming closer friends.

On March 21st, an artist for that private friend server (who made emotes for it) as well as a couple of others had some complaints about the streamer we had all met and become friends through. The server owner created a subthread for it, which ended up having eight people involved, or thereabouts. The server owner, their partner, the artist who was also a VIP, myself, my fiance, a friend, and a couple of other long-time community members.

​For five months, we had various criticisms of the streamer in question. And ultimately, the character of the streamer in question is important here.

Because there's two extremes.

On one extreme, the streamer in question is a good person, better than most, and we were forming an echo chamber focused on the flaws and amplifying them. We were fully in the wrong for basically everything we did, despite our criticisms having provably had some merit.

I...can't find myself believing this extreme, at least not in its entirety.

On the other extreme, we were whistleblowers. We were compiling a list of red flags that would have helped to expose just how problematic the streamer in question is. We were in denial about how problematic the streamer was, and in our good intentions when we were trying to help the streamer be better, we were looking from the wrong mindset. We all believed the streamer was a good person so we assumed the red flags were just small things that were issues, rather than the red flags they actually were.

We would, in having wanted to believe the streamer was a good yet flawed person, have had all the evidence but not known the importance of the evidence.

​What's scary about this extreme is that my only reasons for not believing it are my own philosophy and wanting to trust in the judgements of others.
I want to believe the streamer in question is a good person, just flawed, even despite my fiance saying they aren't a good person. (I want to be clear my fiance does not see the streamer as this extreme. My fiance thinks the streamer is a lousy person, but also doesn't think they are actually monstrous, which is the extreme I laid out above.)

​And...the streamer in question is very close to dozens upon dozens of people who have made these kinds of judgements before. All of them have cut out former toxic "friends" who were problematic, and have gotten very good at identifying warning signs. So, if all of them trust the streamer in question and think the streamer in question is good...then surely, they can't all be wrong, right?

So like...my own philosophy as well as wanting to trust in the collective ability of others tells me that the streamer in question would be closer to the former than the latter extreme.

...Yet...

...At the same time...

...These same collective people who judge the streamer in question as being good, are the same collective people who judged me and my fiance as being problematic enough to need to be removed from their spaces. If I want to believe myself not problematic, then I must by extent believe that collective judgement can be wrong. That it was wrong about me, and overly harsh on my fiance. If I am not problematic enough to warrant removal, then a collective judgement saying I am would be wrong, and therefore, if I believe myself to not be problematic (and on my better days I do believe myself to not be problematic), then I must believe,
"They got it wrong once...they could have gotten it wrong again."

​There is also the fact a highly spiritually attuned person had their instincts scream at them something was horribly, horribly "off" about the streamer in question. Every time they attended that streamer's streams, something felt WRONG to them. They had a strong reaction to the streamer, without knowing WHY. And because of how spiritually attuned that person is, because of how good their instincts are, they are someone whose instincts influence me.

​And that pushes me away from the former extreme and closer to the latter.

Then there are the red flags I can't ignore, I can't justify.

The streamer in question modded my fiance when my fiance was 22. They sent and offered my fiance gifts, on multiple occasions. They repeatedly called my fiance their friend, over and over again, until my fiance was browbeat into believing the streamer was their friend. Again, this was INITIATED BY THE STREAMER, not by my fiance. My fiance didn't say they were friends until after countless times of the streamer calling my fiance their friend.

​The friendship was initiated by the streamer, and propagated by the streamer. Not inherently a red flag, except...

...The streamer spread that my fiance had a parasocial relationship with them. When it was the other way around, the streamer had a parasocial relationship with my fiance. The streamer spread the idea that my fiance has issues thinking streamers are their friend, when the friendship was initated BY THE STREAMER.

And...I can't explain why the streamer would lie about my fiance that way. I KNOW the streamer called my fiance their friend, on numerous times. I remember being on stream and on discord and seeing them repeatedly call my fiance their friend. And if I as a casual viewer remember, then other viewers would, too. The proof that the streamer REPEATEDLY called my fiance their friend exists...yet they lied, and spread the idea that my fiance made it up, that my fiance was delusional for thinking themself friends with the streamer in question.

That kind of red flag, I can't justify. And we have proof of this too. We have proof of the streamer calling my fiance their friend, of offering and actually giving things to my fiance. So why did they lie about it, and how come everyone believed the lie? That's a big gigantic red flag that I cannot find any good person justification for. Why would the streamer spread a lie which caused my fiance to be effectively removed from every space they cared about overnight? I know they did, I just can't think of a valid reason to.

​Then there is something my fiance told me about a conversation.
One of the people to ban my fiance said that my fiance had blocked the streamer on discord, and ran to that person, essentially. But...the thing is...
...That couldn't have happened. The one platform the streamer is friends with my fiance is on discord. Even if my fiance no longer shared servers with the streamer in question (my fiance had left the discord when things were going down), being discord friends with the streamer in question would bypass that discord limitation and allow conversation. There's no way the streamer could have attempted to talk to my fiance and failed.

So, why did the streamer claim that my fiance had blocked them? It couldn't have been a mistake, or misunderstanding, because on discord by being friends you are given that ability to communicate and to this day the streamer is still friends with my fiance. At literally any time, they could send a message to my fiance, and vice-versa. Why did it get spread that my fiance had blocked the streamer? I can't justify that.

​Then there is the contents which initiated this. My fiance got illegally recorded in a private discord call with someone they considered a friend. (And, yes, it was illegal, because discord counts as a communication line and my fiance was in a two-party state at the time which requires consent. They never gave consent to be recorded, and therefore the recording was illegal. Pointing this out is pointing out a fact. The person taking the recording broke the law. My fiance was within their legal right to have access to the recording and to take legal action against having been recorded. That is also a fact. Pointing that out is just pointing out facts. What matters most for the character of my fiance is that at the end of the day? They didn't pursue legal action...again, because WE WANT TO MOVE ON.)

​My fiance never got access to that recording, but they very clearly remember what they said. They remember saying that if they were to publicly criticize the streamer on twitter, that they would be accused by people on twitter of being a racist. Which is true. Twitter is a cesspool, and valid criticism of terrible people is often said by toxic twitter residents to be bigotry.

Yet somehow, that got spread as my fiance having said the streamer is racist. Despite my fiance swearing they never said that. We don't have access to the recording so obviously we don't know what the recording said, but my fiance SWEARS they remember, crystal clearly, their EXACT wording. And I've heard them recite their exact wording multiple times. I could even write it here on the blog. They know what they said, or at least they genuinely believe they do, and what they swear they said doesn't match up with what the streamer claims they said.

I can KINDA justify this one. My fiance is human, and could be mistaken about what they said. What they said might have had a wording more ambiguous than they remember, and that more ambiguous wording could be interpreted as something along those lines, maybe. But that requires maybe after maybe, when my fiance is very very sure about what they said.

​And then there was something that involved the friend server owner and their partner talking to me.

During the 5 months this was all going on, my fiance repeatedly said they were on the verge of unmodding, and just leaving. They said this no less than 4 times being "this is my 13th reason" and being seconds away from having hit the unmod button. The friend server owner and their partner talked my fiance into not pulling the trigger on unmodding, on remaining a mod, on staying. Repeatedly. Every time my fiance was on the verge of quitting, the friend server owner and their partner would convince my fiance that we needed them to stay.

...Yet after the streamer in question talked to the server owner and their partner, between July 23rd and July 25th, the server owner and their partner in their messages to me tried to convince me that my fiance (friend at the time) was jealous of another mod being administrator in the streamer's discord and wanted that position back.

The VERY PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FIANCE NOT HAVING UNMODDED, tried to tell ME, someone who was there for all of these times they told my fiance not to unmod, that my fiance wanted more power in the community. And to this day, I cannot explain how the very people who KNEW my fiance was on the verge of leaving the community (my fiance has left the community of streamers they were overly frustrated with before, and was repeatedly on the verge of doing so again), tried to claim to me the exact opposite, that my fiance was trying to entrench themself and gain extra power, when that's the exact opposite of FIVE MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE we had.

I'm not sure if the streamer in question gaslit the server owner and their partner that badly to where they believed it,
The server owner and their partner were trying to gaslight me,
Or if it was a mixture of both.

But regardless, there was gaslighting going on and it wasn't from me or my fiance. I KNOW my fiance was only talked out of outright leaving by the duo of the friend server owner and their partner. I KNOW they didn't want power back. So I know that is another lie. The only thing I don't know is who propagated it.

If the streamer gaslit the server owner and their partner that hard, then it would be their lying, manipulation, and it would be an extra red flag because it would mean they were so convincing at lying that the two people who MOST should know my fiance wasn't wanting what was alleged, somehow got convinced they wanted it.

If the friend server owner and their partner just tried to gaslight me, then that means they willingly and deliberately propagated a lie they knew was a lie, just to try and protect their own interests and try and maintain their positions.

I don't know which is worse, but either way, one of them was gaslighting regardless. One of them tried manipulation regardless. And both are terrible positions that I cannot for the life of me find a justification for.

And...it's because of that, that I am beginning to be more in line with my fiance's view. My fiance doesn't think of the streamer as being the monstrous extreme I laid out above, but thinks the streamer is a terrible person, and...

...As much as I want to believe in the people being good...

...I can't find a way to justify the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation which left my fiance suicidal enough where they wrote out a note and were literally going to kill themself, with me as the only thing to save them.

In tandem with us having spotted red flags, which while they can have innocent justifications can also be...well, RED FLAGS...

...And me trusting that spiritually attuned person...

...I just...can't find myself believing in the better nature of the streamer.

They'd be at best in the middle, and closer to the monster extreme I mentioned.

And...that is why I know going public would do a lot of good. We could prove most of this. We could self-advocate to defend ourselves from the lies spread about us. We could potentially expose a monster who those with better resources could further investigate into.

...And yet...at the same time...I don't want to. I want the best success to be moving on without having needed to, essentially. The people who didn't let me and my fiance self-advocate were not worth investing time in because if they weren't willing to hear us out and if the result of them not having heard us out was a monster getting away with horrible things...then they aren't people I want to invite back into my life even if they ended up believing me.

I want to build my life, and let those that cut me out of theirs deal with the consequences down the line, essentially.

I want to live my life, move on, heal, and keep the friends who wanted to hear us out.

So, at the end of the day...it doesn't matter much.

I've aired this out. My belief, my love, my perspective, some knowledge bombs, etc. i've kept a lot generic including not disclosing the red flags we uncovered. But I just want it put on the record. If the streamer is ever canceled for being a problematic POS...we knew. We knew back in 2023. We were in denial because we wanted to believe in their goodness, but we KNEW. And my fiance was driven to nearly kill themself for the crime of having known, and been a whistleblower. But, again, that's only if the monster extreme is closer to reality.

I'll just leave this out there for posterity; time truly will tell. Either we were wrong, or we were right. If we were wrong, moving on is for the best. If we were right, it will come out with time, and the questions about why nobody listened to us back then will be asked when it finally does come to light.

Meanwhile, I will continue to spread joy and positivity and become a Breeacon of light, healing, helping, loving.

​Thank you for listening.

To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.