I once again meant this for a single server where I try to carry general chat in messages of encouragement and love, but after I wrote it, I knew I needed to share across the globe.

So for any who need it, this goes to you.

I know you might not feel good about yourself and think you’re alone and isolated, everyone else is fine, with thoughts that you must be broken or faulty for not being like them.

But they wear a mask, too. And everyone is broken more than you get to see, so you are never alone. 

You see the good in others and only the flaws in yourself, but they see the inverse, and they can see all which is good about you.

You are seen and loved, beautiful and brilliant. The love you have for others is wonderful, and you deserve the happiness of feeling others love you back. 

No matter your mistakes, no matter what you have done or didn’t do, you are still worthy of being loved.

And I hope this can carry you through the middle of the week.

As draining as it can be, as exhausting as it is, you have made it this far and you will keep making it further.

Go pursue your dreams and happiness, for you have earned them. 💖

...but not nearly enough time.
My fiance came with me to work today (they felt it was needed and tbh they probably were right) and was tired when we got home so cleaning didn't get done.

I had a lot of uplifting things happen and I feel a lot better.

I have a ton to be proud of, but a ton not getting done.

My bills are likely overdue and still not paid.

I'm probably still making the wrong choices--for instance, a couple hours ago I asked myself "do I send (a type of message) to (a person)", but I ultimately felt it'd have been a mistake even with the best wording so opted out, and I'll always wonder/ask myself if that was the correct call and I likely never will know. (In general, I am naturally reactive. I don't show proactivity and proactively reach out, but I always wonder if it's the right thing to do to wait for someone to reach out to me with the appropriate action on my end being doing nothing until they do, or if I should be doing more than I am. AS FAR AS I KNOW, waiting is the better option, but again...I dunno.)

Today I was largely more positive, so my exercise in getting a better mental yesterday partially worked--not fully, which is why having my fiance helped a lot, but today was mostly more in the positive realm. I did dwell an uncomfortably long time on hypothetical what-ifs I never want to visit yet instinctively keep around as intrusive thoughts, but instead of dominating for ALL of the day, it was only a small part of the day and I was able to shake them off and get more healthy thoughts going.

I did story stuff today, albeit just a bit of notekeeping. Still proud of doing it as it's been weeks maybe months since I last did and I've been wanting to do that for a long while.

I'm not going to get everything I want to do done today but that's okay. Any deadlines on things like getting a new streaming software or my discord bots to have reactions for roles to be auto-assigned are purely arbitrary and did not need to strictly be done today. And there's always tomorrow.

I wrote some lovely messages and spread them to maybe too many discords. Well, it was only two or three messages with one of them copypasted across almost all of them--I wrote that message for one server, but I ended up feeling it shouldn't be limited to just there. It just felt right to spread it around to share that love, kindness, and affection to others.

And maybe, I should also share it on here. I know (other than my fiance reading over my shoulder which to be clear is okay and I am okay with it and it's lovely and I love you so much my love and it's okay and I do mean it) that nobody really reads my blogs outside of maybe when I advertise them or random checkins (I don't have a consistent daily viewerbase despite the blogs themselves being daily--and that's okay, just stating I know it is the case), but in case anyone does do those random checkins and sees this, or in case this blog gets seen when I next advertise it, or in case the blog gets regular viewership, or in case the blog gets someone at some future point deciding to bingeread and they stumble into here or in case someone looks at the tags and spots this, basically in case anyone by any method sees this, it bears repeating for everyone.

This is the kind of message I aim to spread to everyone in my life this year, as long as they will let me. (And I know, there are those who won't, and that's okay. That's valid. I will wish them well regardless even if they wish nothing to do with me, but I will respect their boundaries. As long as I know what they are, I will never cross them.)

I resolved to spread joy and positivity, and it starts with messages like this.

​Don’t worry about any setbacks. You are still doing good regardless of them.

Don’t worry too much about what you’re not doing. It’s okay. There’s a finite amount of time in any given day. You can’t do everything you want to in any given day. You will always give something up, and you will probably be inclined to lament the loss of that thing, but you have your whole life ahead of you. 

It’s never too late. You can and should focus on what you believe is the most important thing in your life on the given day, and It’s okay if what that is, changes.

You can find a way to balance eventually, no matter how long it takes. 💖


And on top of that, I also wanted to add more. I will always be around to help, as long as I am able to, in any way I can.
I will always have my DMs open.
I will accept any request.
I will do anything for those who I would gladly call my friend.
And I call plenty of people friend gladly, including plenty who probably would prefer I not.
Regardless, I will be there for a friend, always, in any way they want me to be.

I will always show my love.

I know there are a bunch of people in pain. The pain is active, the pain is real, the hurt is there. The fallout of past actions had consequences which left longlasting hurt and damage and left so much harm which hasn't healed. And perhaps never will. But while I can't do anything for those who don't want me to do anything, if they do want me to do something I will do whatever I can to help them in any way shape or form.

A lot has changed, and things will never be the same. I'm the same I've always been, but I've also changed. (For the better I feel.) And that applies for all people, too. They change. Their perceptions change. Their lives change. They face turmoil. They face pain. But I will do whatever I can to spread words of positivity and affirmations and give them a bit of joy.

I will not be perfect, but I will offer the reassurance I can, as I can. I will strive to make everyone's lives be better, including giving them a fresh outlook on things, to build on what they have. And you, my lovely reader, are part of that.

I know my words are just words, they probably don't offer as much impact as I would want them to. So this message is temporary, perhaps lasting only seconds, or minutes, maybe if I'm lucky can last you a day. It won't stick, no matter how much I wish it would, but I offer it all the same because so much as a single second better is worth it in the end so take this message with you.

You are loved.
You have such amazing and wonderful love, compassion, and care to give to others and the world, which you do.
You are talented. You have a good sense of humor. You are nerdy. You are worth spending time around, and you are worth being invested in.
You are enough as you are. You are good enough. You deserve all the good things you have.
You are going to go far in life. You are going to accomplish great things.
You have made an impact in life, more than you know, and you make it just by existing.
You matter. You are seen. You are loved.
And yes, life is not perfect. Not everything will go right. There will be challenges. There will be setbacks. There will be hurdles. But you are remarkably adept at overcoming them, more than you know, and that is beautiful. And if you decide not to, then whatever you pivot to? Just as amazing and wonderful.
You are incredible.
You can do it.
You can get through the trials and tribulations.
You make a difference. And you are memorable.
I truly hope you can some day accept at least some of these things as true. I know it's hard to show that self-love, but just know I truly believe this of you, and if I believe it of you, then you can eventually too.

​Much love.

It's going to start mostly negative, but I'm hoping that it'll lead to positive. Basically, my hope is to air out my depression and reverse it into positive thoughts because I don't want to carry them into tomorrow--particularly since the plan is for me to go to work alone tomorrow.

My fiance and I have largely become inseparable. And while that can be a good thing in some ways, it can also be a bad thing when we actually have a need to separate for life stuff for a longer duration. And tomorrow is going to be one of those days. My fiance is going to clean tomorrow while I'm at work, and potentially get their test stream done (or at least conclude the troubleshooting).

And that means I won't be able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them in person, be reassured by them, grab their hand, etc. On a day where I'm busy enough to not have time to think, that's okay. On a day when I can think and I'm not inspired by a story, I instead think about my past mistakes.

And because I've had my mistakes on mind since Saturday and they're not going away despite me knowing how unhealthy they are (I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts, but everything I've tried hasn't kept them at bay), I want to try and air out some thoughts about the negative and hopefully reverse them into a positive I can carry through tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week.

I'll start by saying I have detractors. Maybe you think that word is too light, maybe you think that word is too harsh. Maybe you think that word is inaccurate, maybe you think I'm downplaying with that word or maybe you think that word is too aggressive, or maybe you think that word is too much, so substitute it for whatever term you would like to use. I have people who think of me negatively. I have people who carry negative feelings about me. I have people who have negative thoughts about me.

I don't know what their exact thoughts are, their exact feelings. For lack of a better term, I have no idea what their gripes with me are unless they tell me directly, and most of the people who have those negative feelings towards me want nothing to do with me including to let me know they have those negative views of me. (And, same thing for 'gripes' as 'detractors'. That word may not be what you think is apt to use. Substitute appropriately, with the adjustments you think are warranted.)

I may not know...but I can certainly make guesses. Because my biggest detractor is myself, and when I let my thoughts be fueled by my imposter syndrome, I start to think these negative things are true, that they are the reason I am such a sad pathetic human because they apply.

A not-complete, incomplete, partial list?
They might think I am a monster.
They might think I have done monstrous things.
They might think I am a sociopath.
They might think I am a psychopath.
They might think I am a narcissist.
They might think I am selfish.
They might think I am uncaring.
They might think I am incapable of true friendship.
They might think I lack mindfulness.
They might think I don't think of others.
They might think I'm apathetic.
They might think I'm incapable of caring.
They might think I'm unable to empathize.
They might think I'm unable to form deep meaningful bonds.
They might think I am a liar.
They might think I am dishonest with myself.
They might think I don't respect people.
They might think I don't respect boundaries.
They might think I can be a borderline stalker.
They might think I am obsessed with my image.
They might think everything good about me is an act.
They might think I am a Manipulator. (And to be fair, I am. I've played Mafia for nearly 18 years continuously, since I was 13 years old, and that deeply damaged me, because I can't not do it, even instinctively. All I can really do is harvest the Manipulation and try to do good with it, rather than selfishly using it for evil.)
They might think I am deranged.
They might think I am delusional.
They might think I make excuses for justifying bad behavior.
They might think I don't care.
They might think I am a pile of vitriol, filled with negative emotions.
They might think I don't understand. (And to be fair, I may not. If something isn't explained to me, I can only guess, and I probably guess wrong.)
They might think I'm incapable of doing good.
They might think I keep doing nothing but harm.
​They might think I shouldn't be around them or their spaces at all.
They might think I am needy.
They might think I am greedy.
They might think I am bitter.
They might think I am petty.
They might think I am meanspirited.
They might think I lovebomb people, out of a need to be loved.
They might think I condone terrible acts.
They might think I condone terrible people.
They might think I am remorseless.
They might think I have no regrets.
​They might think I'm all talk and have no actions to back it.
They might think I'm incapable of seeing my wrongdoing and knowing I was or am in the wrong.

For now, that's all I can really think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure if I focused on it, I could think of more. I'm sure none of my detractors think literally all of these, but all of my detractors think at least some of these, and probably more. (Like I said, it's guesswork.)

I want to reiterate they are valid for thinking so. They are right to believe that of me. Their thoughts and feelings towards me are not wrong. They are right, at least to them. They are valid. They are right to believe that. They have good reasons to, and regardless of whether those things are true, they are still not in the wrong for thinking and acting on those beliefs/feelings.

​Yet at the same time...

...I do not have to believe them of myself. I am not me at my worst. Maybe at my worst, my imposter syndrome is at least partially right that I am those things at least in part. Maybe. But I am not me at my worst.

I do care. Arguably too much. I can't stop caring. By God, it would be so much easier if I COULD stop caring, but I clearly can't.
I do know I have done wrong.
I constantly wonder/worry if I'm still doing wrong, but try my best to not. (Obviously, I could still be doing wrong, but I try my best on my own to not do wrong, and I really need others to help me there because I can only be so accurate in my judgements, I'm bound to have gotten things wrong without knowing despite trying.)
I do try my best to do the right thing.
I love people, perhaps too much. (God, if I didn't love the people I've hurt then it wouldn't hurt so much to know I hurt them.)

I'm not a monster.
I'm selfless to an unhealthy degree. I'm a people pleaser to the point where being selfish is something I almost am completely incapable of.

I befriend everyone I spend time about, and care about them. I learn about them, I try to help them.

I uplift people, or at least attempt to.

I remember things about them.

I try to follow boundaries and show everyone the care and respect they deserve.

I have people who are ride-or-die friends, who I would do anything for.

I am honest to a fault, sharing thoughts I maybe shouldn't.

My view of myself is so negative it is debilitating and crippling, not the inverse.

The good things about me aren't an act. They are my default self. They are who I am. They are the true me. I am who I am, and who I am is someone who has always cared, always loved, always tried her best, always aimed to help.

I am almost free of negative emotions. I have self-loathing and sadness, but direct no negative emotions to anyone else.

I am trying my best, always, to do the right thing. I am trying my best to pursue the path of greatest good, and to make the best possible difference in the world.

I know I have done wrong. I will carry the regrets from my wrongdoing for the rest of my life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to atone, and have learned from my mistakes. I try to avoid making new mistakes, and am applying things to try and make the most positive impact I can in the world. 

I am determined to let people know how wonderful and beautiful and talented they are, and to help uplift them and elevate them, even at the expense of myself.

I put others before myself, prioritizing their needs/wellbeing over my own.

Every day, I live to try and show it with every action I make.

​Maybe I am being too kind to myself in the rebuttal of those thoughts about myself. Maybe I am some of the things I try not to be. But maybe the imposter syndrome is being too harsh to myself. Maybe, just maybe, no matter how valid the complaints, no matter how valid the criticisms, I'm not defined by my worst self, I'm not defined by my mistakes, they aren't who I am, and I am instead defined by what I do and what I am most of the time.

Maybe, just maybe, I am a good person, who--despite my flaws, despite being imperfect, despite my mistakes--does good and who makes a positive impact in the world.

​I need to remember that and believe it.
I am trying my best.
I am certainly continuing to make mistakes, no doubt about it. (Heck if I know what those mistakes are, if I did I wouldn't have made them, would I?)
But I am still trying my best, and doing good.

I know those who are my detractors will likely never truly forgive me. They might say they will, but they never truly will. And that's okay. That's valid. If I'm not worthy of forgiveness to them, then I am not worthy. If they can't forgive me, then they can't forgive me. If they think I don't deserve forgiveness, then they shouldn't be forced to. If they think I deserve to be punished, then they can pursue attempting to get me punished.

That is valid. That is their right. That is their perspective, and their perspective is valid.
Their thoughts are to be validated and respected.
Their feelings deserve acknowledgement and to be honored.

​But, I need to forgive myself. I need to be enough as I am.

So let's pursue being enough as I am. Still pursuing being better than I am right now! But, still being good enough with me trying my best.

I hope that mindset is one I can spread to others, and to help build others up as well. Including any brave readers to read this start to finish.

Love you all.

​I'll do my best, and you will too.

Today is hovering at about a 3/10. Maybe even a 2/10. I'm pretty badly off rn, is what I mean.

I'm...feeling like not existing rn, tbh. Which is...always scary. I'm struggling hard to fight off "safe mode", but I can feel the likes of Michelle ready to wrap my in a protective shell because of the pain I'm in.

There's a lot going into it.

I was struggling with depression yesterday without a cause. It had no thoughts, it was just there. It seemed to be worse when I was out and about, so I was hoping today resting in my house would make things better.

It didn't.

It made it worse, and that's in part because of all of my thoughts today.

And it's a slough of bad.

The pain in lost friendships flared up big time. And the thoughts of it being justified. Me wondering about everything I have done wrong. Me wondering what I am continuing to do wrong. And it brings to mind thoughts of. "These people think their lives are better off without me in their life...so maybe I should give that to them."

And the way I would give that to them is...

...Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It was a suicidal thought. These people mean so much to me and I love them so much and they want nothing to do with me so why bother existing at all, if I stopped existing it'd be giving them what they apparently want from me.

And I know, I said I wouldn't blog on that subject anymore, but given my mindstate and my struggle to escape it today, I felt I had to.

It gets worse, too. I'm feeling like I'm failing across the board. I'm failing to engage in friends' streams. I'm failing to engage in the streams of safe spaces. I'm not successfully juggling streams. I'm not balancing my life.

I'm not really attending a watch party with my fiance and our close friend. I'm there, but not THERE there.

I'm feeling myself slipping.

Further and further down.

And it's scary.

And I'm terrified again.

And I'm just so worried I'm going to cave again.

I'm still spending too much. I'm slowly bleeding money. I had multiple tens of thousands saved up, and I'm down to only a small fraction of that, a few thousand, which is shrinking even more with every purchase I make.

I'm not eating properly.
I'm not staying on top of my meds or hygiene.
All the progress I've made, it's been washed away. I've regressed.

I'm not cleaning the apartment. It's a complete mess.

I'm not paying the bills. Bills that are likely overdue.

I'm not functioning at all.

I feel like I keep losing more and more of what matters.

And I am terrified.

I know I can talk to my fiance about it, and probably will if these feelings persist.

But I just feel like I am a failure right now.

I'm not streaming to my schedule.
I'm not doing work stuff I should.
I am not keeping the people who matter to me, and not showing them that they matter.
I am doing nothing which is good.

And I know.

A lot of that is the depression talking.

I know.

A lot of that is just the pain of loss.

I know.

A lot of that is fueled by the pain and sadness of only being human with a finite amount of time and energy and ability to focus on places.

​I can't be everywhere all at once.

So of course I'm going to have some losses.

But I'm still in a very deep pain.

And scared.

I have so much to live for.
I have so much to do.
I have a wonderful life going for me.
A beautiful, wonderful, amazing fiance, who is the best part of my world, and who sees me as the entirety of their world.
I made twitch affiliate, and have started to make a good discord from it.

I have many wonderful friends, friends who still love me and appreciate me and think that I am amazing and incredible.

I have such beautiful, wonderful ideas, ideas I want to make a reality because they never will be without me.

I have a grand ambition, to connect the people in various aspects of my life. From mafia to art to twitch, to build a space where all of them can connect.

I want to build a space for the plural folk across twitch to connect.

I want to build a community. A space of connectivity, of learning, of empathy, of love.

I want people to have that space, to vibe, to exist, and be brought together with others.

And I have a good start.

Literally last night I added twitch integration to my discord, albeit rudimentary.

I'm making all of those quality of life improvements and they are going to build into something amazing eventually if I keep up at it.

...I...

...am struggling to keep myself afloat by reminding myself of it all.

But it's hard.

The pain is there. It's strong. It's leaving me living in fear. Fear of loss, but also fear of myself. I ask myself every day, "what will I lose next", and then ask, "what loss will be the loss to cause me to finally cave to despair for good".

​I have good coping mechanisms.
I remember all of the advice from my spirit guides.

I should not put time/effort/energy into those who don't want it from me.
I should heal from the past.
I am enough as I am.
I do deserve good things.
I am worthy of love.
I am talented.

I can remain busy with my work.
It's okay to take time for myself.

Probably more, since I don't actually remember it all. But I remember the vast majority of it, and focusing on it is a survival mantra.

I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I do good things.
I am good.
I am better than I know at helping others.
The advice I give to others applies to myself: I am loved by more than I know, I make an impact more than I will ever know, and deserve happiness.

I have a fiance, the love of my life, who is here to help me, support me, and love me, as I am. As good enough.

I can recognize these thoughts as thoughts born of a combination of depression and imposter syndrome. Knowing this, I can know that I am better than my head would have me believe.

Although altogether, that's what's keeping me from dipping into a 1/10 or 2/10, and can maybe elevate me to a 4/10.

So, today is a bad day. A painful day. A rough day. I keep asking myself what I should do, and I keep on coming up blank. I don't know.

But, I'll think of something. I'll survive.

​And I hope you can, too. <3

It's a bit of a "no thoughts head empty" kind of situation, where I sure do have things worth blogging about but when sitting down to blog, I can't think of what to say.

I'd rather make a nothingness blog than skip out on blogging though, so I guess I'll do my best.

I've fallen behind on working on my discord, but I did do a good amount of work. 

I have a need to clean tomorrow, desperately.

I need to cut back on spending.

But at the same time, I do look amazing in my new clothing.

My fiance is dyeing their hair black right now, and they look incredible for it.

It's left a mess they are a bit stressing out about, but it's okay, I am not concerned.

I need to get alerts set up for twitch, they're halfway there, just need to get them fully working.

I need to synchronize discord and twitch, so that my twitch emotes are available on my discord.

I have a lot to do.

But it's okay, I'm making progress.

Just need to finish the things, I guess.

...and I remember them, but I'm kinda...not in the mindset to do things.

Like, I have a blog I could make.

And work I could do.

I have discord things I wanted to get done.

But right now, I just kinda...want to vibe.

​I dunno why.

I kinda feel like I'm probably taking on too many things since it feels like I'm always scrambling to get everything done in a day.

To be fair, I'm actually getting most of it done.

I'm playing mafia again.

I'm mostly on top of my games, like Torn and my addiction to Idling to rule the gods.

I'm upping my social media presence.

I'm attending and juggling multiple streams better. 

I'm keeping on top of work stuff.

​I have mostly been on top of daily discords, making sure I'm not falling behind.

Granted, there's stuff that I have fallen behind on. I neglected to write a poem to a family member I promised. I haven't dealt with important bills I very badly need to. I am falling further and further behind on my mirror blog.

And there's stuff I haven't done. I haven't worked on my discord today yet.
I haven't set up the twitch commands I wanted to or gotten the commands set up yet.
I haven't done writing yet.

I do need to stay busy. But I'm not on top of everything, despite my progress.

There's a finite amount of time in a day and I don't want to neglect anything.

I'm getting better about hygiene, but need to be better about meds--I'm taking them daily, but not at the time recommended and much later than I should.

​So like. Life stuff. I'm progressing. Got a lot on my mind, but gonna keep going.

...I still pulled together my first post-affiliate stream! It's not much, but I did it! And I remembered to upload it. And I'm blogging, too, something I often didn't do on days I streamed before!

And my discord has members now, so I have the incentive to finish it.

I'm finally putting it all together. Things are progressing at an impressive speed.

As much a mess as I am, I am a productive mess.

I don't have much to say, but there's much I am doing.

Gaming? Exhausted myself on Stardew Valley.
Viewing streams? Kinda burnt out.
Reading discords? Not feeling up to it.
Working on my discord? Burn out despite continuously changing what I'm doing.
Mafia? Not up to it.
Important bills and legal stuff? Not strong enough to trudge through it.
Social media? Not inspired.
Writing? I'm not feeling it.

I don't feel up for almost anything productive, and I'm not sure what to do.

Not working on my blog, either.

I'm just...I dunno. Drifting right now, I guess.

It's possible that's depression. Despite my best efforts, I do have sad thoughts about all I've lost.
But it's also possible I'm not resting.
I dunno.

I just feel like I'm kinda underperforming, but I also don't feel up to performing much.

I'll have to accept just vibing with my lovely fiance.

Such a tragic fate. <3
​(To be clear, this is not a bad thing, in fact it's a very good thing and feels like it's what I should do.)

Yesterday, actually was quite productive.

Today...I dunno, maybe doing more of the same, just less.

I don't know what I'm doing today.

I feel like I'm doing nothing, I feel like I have energy for nothing, but I also feel bored and that I should be doing something.

I dunno.

​I'll see what I can figure out.