It's going to start mostly negative, but I'm hoping that it'll lead to positive. Basically, my hope is to air out my depression and reverse it into positive thoughts because I don't want to carry them into tomorrow--particularly since the plan is for me to go to work alone tomorrow.
My fiance and I have largely become inseparable. And while that can be a good thing in some ways, it can also be a bad thing when we actually have a need to separate for life stuff for a longer duration. And tomorrow is going to be one of those days. My fiance is going to clean tomorrow while I'm at work, and potentially get their test stream done (or at least conclude the troubleshooting).
And that means I won't be able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them in person, be reassured by them, grab their hand, etc. On a day where I'm busy enough to not have time to think, that's okay. On a day when I can think and I'm not inspired by a story, I instead think about my past mistakes.
And because I've had my mistakes on mind since Saturday and they're not going away despite me knowing how unhealthy they are (I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts, but everything I've tried hasn't kept them at bay), I want to try and air out some thoughts about the negative and hopefully reverse them into a positive I can carry through tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week.
I'll start by saying I have detractors. Maybe you think that word is too light, maybe you think that word is too harsh. Maybe you think that word is inaccurate, maybe you think I'm downplaying with that word or maybe you think that word is too aggressive, or maybe you think that word is too much, so substitute it for whatever term you would like to use. I have people who think of me negatively. I have people who carry negative feelings about me. I have people who have negative thoughts about me.
I don't know what their exact thoughts are, their exact feelings. For lack of a better term, I have no idea what their gripes with me are unless they tell me directly, and most of the people who have those negative feelings towards me want nothing to do with me including to let me know they have those negative views of me. (And, same thing for 'gripes' as 'detractors'. That word may not be what you think is apt to use. Substitute appropriately, with the adjustments you think are warranted.)
I may not know...but I can certainly make guesses. Because my biggest detractor is myself, and when I let my thoughts be fueled by my imposter syndrome, I start to think these negative things are true, that they are the reason I am such a sad pathetic human because they apply.
A not-complete, incomplete, partial list?
They might think I am a monster.
They might think I have done monstrous things.
They might think I am a sociopath.
They might think I am a psychopath.
They might think I am a narcissist.
They might think I am selfish.
They might think I am uncaring.
They might think I am incapable of true friendship.
They might think I lack mindfulness.
They might think I don't think of others.
They might think I'm apathetic.
They might think I'm incapable of caring.
They might think I'm unable to empathize.
They might think I'm unable to form deep meaningful bonds.
They might think I am a liar.
They might think I am dishonest with myself.
They might think I don't respect people.
They might think I don't respect boundaries.
They might think I can be a borderline stalker.
They might think I am obsessed with my image.
They might think everything good about me is an act.
They might think I am a Manipulator. (And to be fair, I am. I've played Mafia for nearly 18 years continuously, since I was 13 years old, and that deeply damaged me, because I can't not do it, even instinctively. All I can really do is harvest the Manipulation and try to do good with it, rather than selfishly using it for evil.)
They might think I am deranged.
They might think I am delusional.
They might think I make excuses for justifying bad behavior.
They might think I don't care.
They might think I am a pile of vitriol, filled with negative emotions.
They might think I don't understand. (And to be fair, I may not. If something isn't explained to me, I can only guess, and I probably guess wrong.)
They might think I'm incapable of doing good.
They might think I keep doing nothing but harm.
They might think I shouldn't be around them or their spaces at all.
They might think I am needy.
They might think I am greedy.
They might think I am bitter.
They might think I am petty.
They might think I am meanspirited.
They might think I lovebomb people, out of a need to be loved.
They might think I condone terrible acts.
They might think I condone terrible people.
They might think I am remorseless.
They might think I have no regrets.
They might think I'm all talk and have no actions to back it.
They might think I'm incapable of seeing my wrongdoing and knowing I was or am in the wrong.
For now, that's all I can really think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure if I focused on it, I could think of more. I'm sure none of my detractors think literally all of these, but all of my detractors think at least some of these, and probably more. (Like I said, it's guesswork.)
I want to reiterate they are valid for thinking so. They are right to believe that of me. Their thoughts and feelings towards me are not wrong. They are right, at least to them. They are valid. They are right to believe that. They have good reasons to, and regardless of whether those things are true, they are still not in the wrong for thinking and acting on those beliefs/feelings.
Yet at the same time...
...I do not have to believe them of myself. I am not me at my worst. Maybe at my worst, my imposter syndrome is at least partially right that I am those things at least in part. Maybe. But I am not me at my worst.
I do care. Arguably too much. I can't stop caring. By God, it would be so much easier if I COULD stop caring, but I clearly can't.
I do know I have done wrong.
I constantly wonder/worry if I'm still doing wrong, but try my best to not. (Obviously, I could still be doing wrong, but I try my best on my own to not do wrong, and I really need others to help me there because I can only be so accurate in my judgements, I'm bound to have gotten things wrong without knowing despite trying.)
I do try my best to do the right thing.
I love people, perhaps too much. (God, if I didn't love the people I've hurt then it wouldn't hurt so much to know I hurt them.)
I'm not a monster.
I'm selfless to an unhealthy degree. I'm a people pleaser to the point where being selfish is something I almost am completely incapable of.
I befriend everyone I spend time about, and care about them. I learn about them, I try to help them.
I uplift people, or at least attempt to.
I remember things about them.
I try to follow boundaries and show everyone the care and respect they deserve.
I have people who are ride-or-die friends, who I would do anything for.
I am honest to a fault, sharing thoughts I maybe shouldn't.
My view of myself is so negative it is debilitating and crippling, not the inverse.
The good things about me aren't an act. They are my default self. They are who I am. They are the true me. I am who I am, and who I am is someone who has always cared, always loved, always tried her best, always aimed to help.
I am almost free of negative emotions. I have self-loathing and sadness, but direct no negative emotions to anyone else.
I am trying my best, always, to do the right thing. I am trying my best to pursue the path of greatest good, and to make the best possible difference in the world.
I know I have done wrong. I will carry the regrets from my wrongdoing for the rest of my life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to atone, and have learned from my mistakes. I try to avoid making new mistakes, and am applying things to try and make the most positive impact I can in the world.
I am determined to let people know how wonderful and beautiful and talented they are, and to help uplift them and elevate them, even at the expense of myself.
I put others before myself, prioritizing their needs/wellbeing over my own.
Every day, I live to try and show it with every action I make.
Maybe I am being too kind to myself in the rebuttal of those thoughts about myself. Maybe I am some of the things I try not to be. But maybe the imposter syndrome is being too harsh to myself. Maybe, just maybe, no matter how valid the complaints, no matter how valid the criticisms, I'm not defined by my worst self, I'm not defined by my mistakes, they aren't who I am, and I am instead defined by what I do and what I am most of the time.
Maybe, just maybe, I am a good person, who--despite my flaws, despite being imperfect, despite my mistakes--does good and who makes a positive impact in the world.
I need to remember that and believe it.
I am trying my best.
I am certainly continuing to make mistakes, no doubt about it. (Heck if I know what those mistakes are, if I did I wouldn't have made them, would I?)
But I am still trying my best, and doing good.
I know those who are my detractors will likely never truly forgive me. They might say they will, but they never truly will. And that's okay. That's valid. If I'm not worthy of forgiveness to them, then I am not worthy. If they can't forgive me, then they can't forgive me. If they think I don't deserve forgiveness, then they shouldn't be forced to. If they think I deserve to be punished, then they can pursue attempting to get me punished.
That is valid. That is their right. That is their perspective, and their perspective is valid.
Their thoughts are to be validated and respected.
Their feelings deserve acknowledgement and to be honored.
But, I need to forgive myself. I need to be enough as I am.
So let's pursue being enough as I am. Still pursuing being better than I am right now! But, still being good enough with me trying my best.
I hope that mindset is one I can spread to others, and to help build others up as well. Including any brave readers to read this start to finish.
Love you all.
I'll do my best, and you will too.
My fiance and I have largely become inseparable. And while that can be a good thing in some ways, it can also be a bad thing when we actually have a need to separate for life stuff for a longer duration. And tomorrow is going to be one of those days. My fiance is going to clean tomorrow while I'm at work, and potentially get their test stream done (or at least conclude the troubleshooting).
And that means I won't be able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them in person, be reassured by them, grab their hand, etc. On a day where I'm busy enough to not have time to think, that's okay. On a day when I can think and I'm not inspired by a story, I instead think about my past mistakes.
And because I've had my mistakes on mind since Saturday and they're not going away despite me knowing how unhealthy they are (I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts, but everything I've tried hasn't kept them at bay), I want to try and air out some thoughts about the negative and hopefully reverse them into a positive I can carry through tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week.
I'll start by saying I have detractors. Maybe you think that word is too light, maybe you think that word is too harsh. Maybe you think that word is inaccurate, maybe you think I'm downplaying with that word or maybe you think that word is too aggressive, or maybe you think that word is too much, so substitute it for whatever term you would like to use. I have people who think of me negatively. I have people who carry negative feelings about me. I have people who have negative thoughts about me.
I don't know what their exact thoughts are, their exact feelings. For lack of a better term, I have no idea what their gripes with me are unless they tell me directly, and most of the people who have those negative feelings towards me want nothing to do with me including to let me know they have those negative views of me. (And, same thing for 'gripes' as 'detractors'. That word may not be what you think is apt to use. Substitute appropriately, with the adjustments you think are warranted.)
I may not know...but I can certainly make guesses. Because my biggest detractor is myself, and when I let my thoughts be fueled by my imposter syndrome, I start to think these negative things are true, that they are the reason I am such a sad pathetic human because they apply.
A not-complete, incomplete, partial list?
They might think I am a monster.
They might think I have done monstrous things.
They might think I am a sociopath.
They might think I am a psychopath.
They might think I am a narcissist.
They might think I am selfish.
They might think I am uncaring.
They might think I am incapable of true friendship.
They might think I lack mindfulness.
They might think I don't think of others.
They might think I'm apathetic.
They might think I'm incapable of caring.
They might think I'm unable to empathize.
They might think I'm unable to form deep meaningful bonds.
They might think I am a liar.
They might think I am dishonest with myself.
They might think I don't respect people.
They might think I don't respect boundaries.
They might think I can be a borderline stalker.
They might think I am obsessed with my image.
They might think everything good about me is an act.
They might think I am a Manipulator. (And to be fair, I am. I've played Mafia for nearly 18 years continuously, since I was 13 years old, and that deeply damaged me, because I can't not do it, even instinctively. All I can really do is harvest the Manipulation and try to do good with it, rather than selfishly using it for evil.)
They might think I am deranged.
They might think I am delusional.
They might think I make excuses for justifying bad behavior.
They might think I don't care.
They might think I am a pile of vitriol, filled with negative emotions.
They might think I don't understand. (And to be fair, I may not. If something isn't explained to me, I can only guess, and I probably guess wrong.)
They might think I'm incapable of doing good.
They might think I keep doing nothing but harm.
They might think I shouldn't be around them or their spaces at all.
They might think I am needy.
They might think I am greedy.
They might think I am bitter.
They might think I am petty.
They might think I am meanspirited.
They might think I lovebomb people, out of a need to be loved.
They might think I condone terrible acts.
They might think I condone terrible people.
They might think I am remorseless.
They might think I have no regrets.
They might think I'm all talk and have no actions to back it.
They might think I'm incapable of seeing my wrongdoing and knowing I was or am in the wrong.
For now, that's all I can really think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure if I focused on it, I could think of more. I'm sure none of my detractors think literally all of these, but all of my detractors think at least some of these, and probably more. (Like I said, it's guesswork.)
I want to reiterate they are valid for thinking so. They are right to believe that of me. Their thoughts and feelings towards me are not wrong. They are right, at least to them. They are valid. They are right to believe that. They have good reasons to, and regardless of whether those things are true, they are still not in the wrong for thinking and acting on those beliefs/feelings.
Yet at the same time...
...I do not have to believe them of myself. I am not me at my worst. Maybe at my worst, my imposter syndrome is at least partially right that I am those things at least in part. Maybe. But I am not me at my worst.
I do care. Arguably too much. I can't stop caring. By God, it would be so much easier if I COULD stop caring, but I clearly can't.
I do know I have done wrong.
I constantly wonder/worry if I'm still doing wrong, but try my best to not. (Obviously, I could still be doing wrong, but I try my best on my own to not do wrong, and I really need others to help me there because I can only be so accurate in my judgements, I'm bound to have gotten things wrong without knowing despite trying.)
I do try my best to do the right thing.
I love people, perhaps too much. (God, if I didn't love the people I've hurt then it wouldn't hurt so much to know I hurt them.)
I'm not a monster.
I'm selfless to an unhealthy degree. I'm a people pleaser to the point where being selfish is something I almost am completely incapable of.
I befriend everyone I spend time about, and care about them. I learn about them, I try to help them.
I uplift people, or at least attempt to.
I remember things about them.
I try to follow boundaries and show everyone the care and respect they deserve.
I have people who are ride-or-die friends, who I would do anything for.
I am honest to a fault, sharing thoughts I maybe shouldn't.
My view of myself is so negative it is debilitating and crippling, not the inverse.
The good things about me aren't an act. They are my default self. They are who I am. They are the true me. I am who I am, and who I am is someone who has always cared, always loved, always tried her best, always aimed to help.
I am almost free of negative emotions. I have self-loathing and sadness, but direct no negative emotions to anyone else.
I am trying my best, always, to do the right thing. I am trying my best to pursue the path of greatest good, and to make the best possible difference in the world.
I know I have done wrong. I will carry the regrets from my wrongdoing for the rest of my life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to atone, and have learned from my mistakes. I try to avoid making new mistakes, and am applying things to try and make the most positive impact I can in the world.
I am determined to let people know how wonderful and beautiful and talented they are, and to help uplift them and elevate them, even at the expense of myself.
I put others before myself, prioritizing their needs/wellbeing over my own.
Every day, I live to try and show it with every action I make.
Maybe I am being too kind to myself in the rebuttal of those thoughts about myself. Maybe I am some of the things I try not to be. But maybe the imposter syndrome is being too harsh to myself. Maybe, just maybe, no matter how valid the complaints, no matter how valid the criticisms, I'm not defined by my worst self, I'm not defined by my mistakes, they aren't who I am, and I am instead defined by what I do and what I am most of the time.
Maybe, just maybe, I am a good person, who--despite my flaws, despite being imperfect, despite my mistakes--does good and who makes a positive impact in the world.
I need to remember that and believe it.
I am trying my best.
I am certainly continuing to make mistakes, no doubt about it. (Heck if I know what those mistakes are, if I did I wouldn't have made them, would I?)
But I am still trying my best, and doing good.
I know those who are my detractors will likely never truly forgive me. They might say they will, but they never truly will. And that's okay. That's valid. If I'm not worthy of forgiveness to them, then I am not worthy. If they can't forgive me, then they can't forgive me. If they think I don't deserve forgiveness, then they shouldn't be forced to. If they think I deserve to be punished, then they can pursue attempting to get me punished.
That is valid. That is their right. That is their perspective, and their perspective is valid.
Their thoughts are to be validated and respected.
Their feelings deserve acknowledgement and to be honored.
But, I need to forgive myself. I need to be enough as I am.
So let's pursue being enough as I am. Still pursuing being better than I am right now! But, still being good enough with me trying my best.
I hope that mindset is one I can spread to others, and to help build others up as well. Including any brave readers to read this start to finish.
Love you all.
I'll do my best, and you will too.
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