I mean, that it's 5:30 am while I'm writing this should clue folks into that.

I could've done a stream. It would've been a shorter one, but I could've. I should've to be honest. But, I was so exhausted I just didn't have it in me. I was dead tired at the time. I've gained lucidity by chilling, but I honestly don't think I would've woken up had I tried to stream, meaning I'd have been left feeling much much more tired.

I didn't game.

I didn't do much of anything, honestly.

But, well. I might not make a good blog but I am at least okay.

I should mention the big work issue I was having was resolved Tuesday, so it's okay there. I'm rattled, but it looks like I'll be fine.

Just, I need to take the night off to recover.

I'll need to point to this blog tomorrow tho and say "Bree, no excuses. None. You stream tomorrow. Period."
​'Cause I do need to!

I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.

It's across every way.

I am so tired. My feet are tired. I am emotionally tired. I am mentally tired. I am physically tired. I want to sleep.

Just.

How am I this beat and broken.

My bones are aching.

My muscles are crying.

My whole body is in protest of my existence right now, and mind/spirit alike agree.

What is wrong with me. I'm feeling old. Old old. I'm feeling so tired. So bad. I don't really get it. I am...so exhausted.

I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

Streamed to 8:15 am pretty much so yay good me (well I started at like 3:30 so not as good as it should be but still impressive), except so many things went wrong as to not actually be a yay good me but I don't have time to be angry at that, I need sleep.

I was trying to go to bed before 6 am, but...I'm not going to disturb her. <3

I guess that gives me some time for a better entry.

I watched the LCK DRX vs. KT matchup. I loved every minute of it.

I balanced that with the LCO. To be honest, the charm normally found in the LCO felt absent today so it was a secondary focus.

I ended up catching the last game of EDG vs RNG, too.

But mostly I didn't stream tonight because I thought I'd be going to bed at 1 am.

Why?

Because I was dead tired today again.

Yesterday, for whatever reason, I felt like I had gotten so little sleep somehow that I was potentially hallucinating. On the drive home from work on Wednesday, I legit felt like I was seeing things that weren't there. And I almost fell asleep who knows how many times behind the wheel. It was scary. It was dangerous. I was just. that. tired. Randomly. I don't know why. I slept over six hours and they didn't feel restless, but I was clearly exhausted somehow so I don't know what was going on there.

It was bad tho. Really bad.

And today, I slept extra long. I know that sleeping extra long doesn't make up for deficits in sleep, so I can't expect to balance the scales from too little sleep with extra sleep. But since I wasn't getting too little sleep, the hope from sleeping extra long was that I would end up actually fixing whatever went wrong yesterday to make me genuinely think I was hallucinating. (Could it have been tricks of the eye at night? Yes. But I swear I was seeing things that weren't there, and that terrified me.)

It probably would've worked.
I feel better today than I did yesterday...

...But it didn't work out because my family had situation after situation after situation happen. I'm pretty sure there was a fire alarm of some kind that went off? (It did wake me up, but I was able to hear my family and know it wasn't a real emergency so rather than wake up, I went back to sleep.) And then there were countless endless phone calls from scammers that just wouldn't give up, apparently. Dozens upon dozens of calls.

​And my father breaking things I think also happened. Basically my family was loud. Very loud. So they woke me up, repeatedly. (Also, needing to go to the bathroom meant not as restful sleep as it should be.)

So I was still dead tired today.

Better! My plan almost worked. Not hallucinating!

But still not great.

​Anyway, cat is very comfy, sleeping, so I could keep going but I'll wrap this blog up now so that when she hops down I can sprint straight for bed without any delay.

Specifically, today we spent 6 hours editing.

It was grueling work.

But it was worth it.

We cleaned up a bunch and now it's, mostly, good.

We finished the editing we wanted to do and can now write more again.

The inner perfectionist in us is second-guessing some aspects of our work (sentences being too long to our inner critic's tastes), but we're calling it, going "nahhhh, let's just move on, it's good enough and still works".

I know how easy it is to fall down the eternal editing hole.

This wasn't that though, this was too sloppy to not be revised--we wrote it while dead tired and distracted without reading it after writing it, after all. So it needed to have a basic passover done on it in order to get it from sloppy trash that only works as a rough draft, to acceptable as a first draft.

And we did.

So now we can continue.

Did take us the whole night tho.

And it was exhausting.

It's genuinely so draining.

But, we think we can make progress now that we did that pass on the revisions.

We're not working out again.
We've not been keeping up with any form of hygiene.
Not our skincare.
Not showering.
Not shampoo/conditioner.
Not changing clothes.
Not brushing our teeth.

We haven't done workout stuff. No daily physical stuff.
No ab workout.
No running, or even walking.
No tae kwon do.

In spite of that, we still have pain in our feet, since they are saying we are exhausted.

But to make things worse we keep on eating way too much food especially carb-heavy food.

We're meant to be cutting down on carbs, and eating after workouts.

We're depressed, getting worse.

We're not streaming tonight, either, in spite of the ability to.

Our lucidity comes and goes (sometimes high, sometimes low) but is mostly higher than low tonight so we had the mental to stream.
We had no game we needed to play since we got our League in.
We had no stream to watch since nobody we really wanted to watch was streaming anything we really wanted to.
We had nothing to do.
And the lucidity to stream.
And the incentive to stream.
And the schedule backing up streaming.

But we managed to talk ourselves out of it for garbage reasons.
It's too hot, we said. (To be fair, it is. It's been over 80 degrees in here, circa 83 or so all day long.)
It's too humid, we said. (Well it is, sitting at ~65% humidity in here.)
Our family are still all awake, which puts a dampener on streaming since they're up at nearly 5 am. (Okay this is more understandable, it prevents me from speaking and mostly prevents me from using my cam.)
My dad might have a medical emergency, which is not something to have broadcast in any way shape or form. (If this did happen that'd be understandable, but it's only a chance, so like. If it happened, justified; in the event it doesn't, then it wasn't.)

We just.

Are going into more depression again.

​We're doing nothing we want to do.

I don't really know why.

We suspect the staff meeting might've contributed, but we're just.

​Tireddddddd.

...It's 7 am, actually 7:17 am and counting, we kinda need to go to bed. xD

We can't really blog that much, we still gotta take our nightly meds (I knew we shoulda done that before we started stream, not waiting until after. Oh, well.), and record things for our stream, and such, so we don't really have the time to blog on top of all that. It was a good day, lots of good happened including a weight off our shoulders at Riot having fixed the issue with Star Guardians that made my mental state tank (well, contributed at least).

But, I can't talk about more.

​We really gotta sleep.

We did make good story progress tho!
​Farn is on its way to becoming real.