I strongly suspect that I am heavily depressed and perhaps a bit sick. I'm really not motivated to do the things I should be doing; all I feel like doing is playing games and watching things and even there I am horrifically behind on everything. Like, it was only today that I watched RNG versus Fnatic and there's still like five matches I need to watch...and guess what? By the time I am up tomorrow, there will be plenty more.

​I suck.

Not that I actually get any good sleep mind you.
Last night for instance.
Where I had, repeatedly, what was either both audio and visual hallucinations while half-awake and half-asleep, or literally the most lucid dreams of all time where I was picture-perfectly recreating every single detail of my house at night save for the imagined details of family members walking about who weren't actually walking about.

One of them was hearing my mom get out of her bed (her bedroom is in the hallway and each bedroom has a distinctive sound to the door opening), going to the bathroom, yelling at an animal presumably our dog, and then going back to bed. Included in this was turning on the bathroom light, a sound I could hear.

...My mom is in Oregon right now. I legit had the thought, "maybe she arrived home overnight?" because it was that real to me.

And another involved my sister interacting out in the living room where I'm sleeping during the time my parents are away. I "woke up", saw her, tossed and turned, tried to ignore the noise, sounds, light, and so on and so forth she was generating with her presence and tried my hardest to go to sleep.

Sounds plausible enough as having been something which really happened, right?

...Except it didn't. My sister was in her bed at the time, fast asleep. So whatever that was I saw, it wasn't real.

You can imagine what effect this had on my sleep.
Because I was being woken up by nonexistent disturbances, which my thought was more or less "I need to ignore these disturbances and go back to sleep".

I didn't sleep well last night.

If similar happens again, tonight will be hell.

​Still, gotta try.

I had a really, really, really lengthy blog planned for today. As much about family stuff as I could think of (the guy who fell is fine, by the way, thankfully enough), but also a lengthy blog about a couple of things I've been toying around with. As a reminder, we leave tomorrow. We're supposed to be gone by 10 local time (which is 8 my time), which means being clear before then which means eating breakfast, packing, and leaving before then. Probably in six or so hours by my guess.

I wanted to stay up for like four of said hours, so I thought I had the time to blog here--even when going on the best date with my girlfriend as is humanly possible given the circumstances (no sound available to me). But while I want to sleep as much as is humanly possible on the trip tomorrow...I'm not sure I can pull it off. I'm fighting off the urge to sleep as is, and have been since before midnight.

Kinda sucks. I feel like in spite of not having set my watch to local time (I've deliberately kept it at my time). In spite of going to bed after midnight my time (which is after 2 am local time) and waking up as late as was humanly practical. That somehow, in spite of me taking every precaution against it. My body has acclimated to the new timezone and is treating this as 2:45 instead of 12:45.

That, or being sick leads to tiredness and tiredness leads to continued sickness and sickness leads to more tiredness...

Butstill. I shouldn't be falling asleep so easily so early. And yet here I am, struggling to stay awake.

Oh well.

Won't get the blog I wanted to give and given my track record, doubt I ever will. But it's the thought which counts.

Everything.
I had all the time in the world.
An endless amount of spare free time.
But.

To be honest.

I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown right now. Hard, hard depression hitting me. This morning, I was cheerful, energetic in spite of being exhausted from not having enough sleep, manic. Full of life even if full of tiredness. And yet, now.

Now I am the opposite. Awake, and yet in spite of being awake. Just...in a bad mindstate. And it just kinda...hit me hard. I don't know why. I mean.

I've wasted today.
This wasn't a day where I can look at it and go, "what happened to the time?".
This is a day where I know exactly what happened to the time; I know I wasted it doing nothing productive. Timewasters. Timekillers. Things that were useless, served no function. Led to nothing. Nothing, chosen instead of something. A hallmark of depression.

But I didn't recognize it as depression until just now when all the negativity, the "god I suck", the "god I'm an idiot", the "I want to curl up into a ball and die" mentality just slammed me.

Like.
I talked to people today.
They'd never suspect I was depressed.
People at work would've thought I was upbeat; I felt upbeat.
My counselor noted how I looked upbeat; I felt upbeat.
People who I talked to would've seen "same ol', same ol'" when it comes to me; rambling and talking and talking, the hallmarks of a better day for me.
And even when I talked to my girlfriend earlier. In our conversations today. I've been normal, even happy.

And yet.
Suddenly.
After the fact.
Before going to bed.
I just got slammed. Slammed, hard, by the self-loathing.
I'm a full week behind most of my duties.
I've slacked off on working out for tkd.
I've been doing nothing that I am supposed to be doing.
And I just.
I'm kinda.
Why am I so bad.
Why am I like this.
I know I should be better than this, that I can be better than this.
And knowing that's probably why me knowing that I'm currently not is hitting me so hard.
I feel like I'm failing at everything.
And I promise that I'll fix it.
That I'll work on it.
And then I don't.

So I'm just.
...Not in a good mindstate right now.

And it sucks that that's the mindstate that I'll be going to bed with.
Yet there's nothing I can do in that time to snap me out of it.
So my one hope.
Is that overnight.
Those feelings, instead of worsening, get purged.

​I feel like a failure.

Specifically.
I am running into a problem.
I am getting really tired, randomly--I have a theory; it's probably due to me being sick. Solution to sickness: sleep a lot.

Except...
...I am having trouble sleeping longer than six hours.
Heck, I am having trouble sleeping even six hours.
I'm waking up earlier for no good reason, when I need the extra sleep. And I can get an hour or two of extra sleep, if I am lucky, but it's still interrupted sleep that amounts to being poor-quality of extra rest, leaving me just...in a vicious three-part cycle. Where I'm tired due to being sick, yet can't sleep, and not being able to sleep makes me more sick, and me being more sick makes me more tired, and yet in spite of being tired I'm not able to get that extra sleep in.

Things that I would love to blog about...if it wasn't 7:45 am after I stayed up basically all night on an extended play-date with my girlfriend. And added stuff, too. (Basically fleshed out all of the Nine Hells.)

I'll talk about it tomorrow, I guess.

For a start, I thought of a really freakin' cool story idea which is ready to blog about, but which I should probably be more lucid to attempt to blog about. I did well in TFT today, both gaining points in ranked and also winning a match in unranked. I even performed adequately in League itself! I had to be carried pretty much, but I still managed to hold my own well enough in the games I won. Wasn't the best on my team, but helped contribute to the win both times.

My one regret for today: the day is over. Like, I did a nice workout this morning; I didn't have a hard time at work; I thought of a good story idea while at work; I had fun playing games once home from work; literally the only bummer about the day is that the day is at its end.

I've been up for 19.5 hours, and even though it's only just past midnight (12:30), I'm dead tired. I want to stay up longer. I want the day not to end. I want it continue. I want to still do stuff. But I'm just...out of energy, both physical and mental. And for most tasks, emotional. Doing the stuff I did was great, but it was also draining and I don't think I can handle any more of it for a while.

​So I guess it's to bed with me.

AAAAHHH IT'S 1 AM AND I GET UP AT 5 AM TO DO TAE KWON DO AND THEN WORK AFTER THAT AND THEN PROBABLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION STUFF ONCE HOME FROM THAT (yes, July 23rd is my birthday but I'll probably blog about that more tomorrow) AND I SHOULDN'T BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW WHY AM I AWAKE RIGHT NOW.

...But then I forgot, and ended up playing Teamfight Tactics all day long. (Oops.) In my defense, I had a good excuse; I was both trying to advance my quests forward (which takes a ton of games) and trying out the new system (they revamped a lot of things in 9.14) and trying out the ranked system.

By the way, combining the three...not the best of ideas for obtaining a good rank. Between unfamiliarity with what the best comps would be in the latest meta (needing to relearn everything...or as it turns out, not very much to be honest) and going out of my way to make comps that weren't the most ideal but would fulfill the requirements, I ended up initially placed in Iron II.

Yes, Iron.

I've since advanced to Bronze IV, but my LP is so ridiculously/dangerously low that I could be demoted back into iron in any case of having bad random rolls.

And make no mistake, the game still is random. Riot games improved it. You almost always get at least one drop from a wave...but it's "almost", not "always". Furthermore, said drop? Can be gold...which is utterly worthless...especially when instead of an item which could be more valuable than twenty gold, you end up with a consolation prize of...one. gold. piece.

Basically you still need to get lucky on what items you get.
This also applies to the carousel. You need to, if near/at the bottom, be lucky with what's on it; you need to, if near/at the top, hope that the people below leave you something you want and/or that there was nothing on the carousel that was gamebreaking.

Items, or a lack thereof, still drive a significant part of the game.

And then there's the rolls. You can't get by with any combination of mostly-T1-synergies; you can't get by past the earlygame with non-synergistic T2s. To do well in a match, you need T2s that happen to have good synergies...which...requires luck.

There's some skill involved, sure, but right now a single bad game can knock you down for circumstances out of your  control, which kinda sucks.

Oh well.

I'm most of the way to the final Beta reward (well, final that I know of, anyway); if I completed the current quests I have, I'd have it! But since that'd require at least ten games...it'll have to wait.

​I'm going to bed now instead.

I'll be trying again tomorrow, with pretty much the same thing.

Tae Kwon Do, into work.

I'm feeling better today, and think that whatever the problem was, it was something that won't be there tomorrow. But it's hard to say for sure. I'll be going in under the same conditions; 5 hours of sleep and getting up way too early.

If the problem was sickness that I no longer have, I'll be fine; if the problem was sickness that isn't showing today because I had a rest day today, well tomorrow will suck too unless it's gone by tomorrow; if the problem was something like food poisoning then I'll be fine; if the problem is just that there's something fundamentally wrong with me that causes me to feel really really sick and vomit after light exercise (no seriously the exercise I was doing as part of tae kwon do was something which I should be able to do pretty much in my sleep, it's so easy; I do worse than what we did then often enough)...well then.

Guess I'm really screwed then.

So tomorrow will help me narrow things down quite a bit. If I am fine, then the problem was sickness I no longer have or food poisoning but either way it was a one-time thing that means nothing's to be concerned about.

If I'm not fine tomorrow, then the problem's either sickness I still have or something is just fundamentally wrong with me and neither option is a particularly pleasant thought to face. (It's never a good thing when the better of the two options is "I am really really sick".)

Anyway, I'm typing this just before heading to bed, so.
​Gotta sleep now!