I'm tired so that's all you get.

I finished the resource mapping for Rise of Rome (I might've missed some, and there's areas I just went scattershot through a combination of my broad strokes mapping and naturally dense terrain, but close enough), and as predicted, every civ has plenty of wheat already among others.

I'd rather each civ have like twenty of most resources and sparse on the rest than have any civ be screwed on resources altogether, though, so it's a healthy direction to take things in.

The other thing I did was the pediaicons and civilopedia for about half the buildings I need to make.
Not wonders, not great wonders.
Just buildings, there's about 70 left but I've gone through an extensive number already.
And mind you this isn't adding them into the game (that's a pain because it often has a glitch; you need to take them one at a time, gradually, and double-check your work ten times to ensure it's right), but it's a necessity to do before adding to the game. 

I could've done more, but I was feeling burned out, so dabbled in Majesty again.

Conclusion: mods are insanely fun to play, and worked better than I could ever hope them to.
City-building becomes a cinch with the combination of brokenly fast peasants (it's nigh-impossible to lose a building and even impossible-to-build buildings can be built using it), brokenly fast tax collectors (getting the money), and the marketplaces which at high enough levels rake in 4,000 gold per deposit (and have multiple deposits per day)--plus even over the minimum distance, trade caravans depositing that same amount. Four marketplaces each at a ballpark figure of something like 20,000 per day = ~80,000 in no time flat, when the gold cap is 2,000,000.

Not instant-refill, but fairly close. If you try, you can drain your treasury even when maxed out, if setting reward flags to like 111,100 and spamming them--but that's pretty much what you need to do and even then you need to keep it up to so much as maybe drain the treasury.

...But since city-building is what I most enjoy in the game...this is no problem to me.

​I am very happy with everything.

And it's so persistent, I might as well link it to you!

To be a little more specific, it's the area just after the one-minute mark that I'm looping through, because there's a nice little not-actually-repeating-but-close-enough-to-trick-my-brain bit. (Not sure how to explain that better. Basically, different words are used and you can tell they're different words, but they're sung using the same notes--and especially when it's not English and especially without the lyrics showing on the opener, that's enough to trick the brain into looping that segment over and over again.)

So while we're here.

Might as well talk about it some more.

One--that song is drop-dead amazing. It is a stunning thing on its own.
But two--the animation accompanying it is perfect.

It is one of the, if not the, best openers for an anime I've ever seen. It is just. that. good.

So it figures if my praises are that high for the opener, they are equally sung for the show proper.

And that rings true.
As my girlfriend put it, I gave the show my highest possible form of praise:
"The premise is really, really similar to the book I was working on". (Specifically the book before Heroes of Gistou.)
That book featured characters who, as early as their childhood years, plotted to escape a complex ruled by non-human entities. The characters had to show incredible intelligence and wisdom beyond their years in order to orchestrate the escape. (Granted, this happened in the prologue...and all but one of them was killed because while the escape succeeded, afterwards, in the chase, they died. So the similarities pretty much end there, butstill.)

Given how much I pride myself in my writing.

That's about as high a praise as is possible, in fact.

And there's another thing I would like to point out, from a different story of mine--one not intended to be a book.

Emma (and for that matter Ray and whatshisname), The Promised Neverland's protagonist. Is 11 years old...
...The same age as Phyrra and Cyrus.

...Why is that significant?

...Because this show is more or less a validation of "I'm on target" for displaying smart, intelligent, wise, mature 11-year-olds in terms of content. Yes, they are occasionally still kids, but the show displays them actually being smart. Not fake-smart. Genuinely clever and intuitive, prodigies who are geniuses, with ingenuity and quite capable of coming up with amazing strategies.

Which is what Phyrra and Cyrus are supposed to be.

It gets better.

Emma and Phyrra are pretty similar personality-wise. Cheerful, fairly friendly and somewhat polite while being somewhat blunt. (Admittedly, bluntness is more Ray's trait and politeness more whatshisname's trait.) A bit of a doofus compared to the other kid(s) her age, but in spite of needing things explained to her sometimes, by no means actually an idiot, capable of extreme cleverness of her own...while having a charming smile, warm heart, charismatic attitude and surprising level of insight.

Which is more or less what I'm aiming for with Phyrra.

And Cyrus is similarly like whatshisname with a side of Ray, being level-headed, calm, cool, collected, a planner, pragmatic, efficient, cold, yet still understanding and not all-knowing. Someone who prefers thinking rather than athletic flairs, and is lethally calculating in maneuvers.

...But it gets even better.

When Phyrra's body-swapped into Cyrus, and vice-versa. (The state that they stay in most of the series, aside from the twice-a-month times they are in their own bodies past the prologue.)
Because Cyrus's real body looks a lot like Emma, and Phyrra's real body looks somewhat like a cross between Ray and whatshisname.

When body-swapped.

Phyrra actually looks a lot like Emma.
And Cyrus actually looks a lot like a cross between Ray and whatshisname.

(My girlfriend's probably gonna be ticked when reading this blog and realizing I already forgot his name. Or more specifically, I'm not positive of it. I kinda have 'Nolan' in my head as being it but I'm not sure that was it?)

If you took Ray's hairstyle/length and the expressions/eyes/hair color/etc. of whatshisname, then it'd look pretty darn close to what Phyrra's real body is like, the body Cyrus is trapped in most of the time.

And Cyrus's real body, which Phyrra is trapped in most of the time, being a body that I deliberately modeled to be a stereotypical shonen anime protagonist body.
...Is pretty darn similar to Emma's, because she is a bit of a stereotypical shonen anime protagonist even in her body.

Obviously, they're not basically-identical, but the resemblance is fairly self-evident.
I haven't really drawn Phyrra and Cyrus yet (I should, I know, but I haven't), but I've made reference images of them using various programs, some of which are on this blog. As a refresher, here's a dump of them all.

Keep in mind, none of these are their official look. Keep in mind, all of these were made in various programs. The first faces were made in an iteration of a program called FaceMaker (specifically this one, which the maker themselves note is not too original as there are others like it, but that's the one I used for the images shown), the most-of-body, in-profile ones are from this anime character maker, the next set which are probably some of the closest-to-vision versions are from the continuously-expanding-with-new-content rinmaru games anime character creator, the next set of generic faces is from anime face maker 2, and the full-body picture is from a can-optionally-become-NSFW, tread-carefully, you-have-been-warned, K-ON dressup 2.

I can't stress enough how none of these are official.
None of these fully capture the aesthetic.
These are mostly done as brainstorming. Proof-of-concept work. Throwing ideas around for exact iterations of what their outfits look like. I have, in previous blog entries, described their exact look, and these give you a fairly good idea of what sort of look that is, but none of them are exact. You can't even average them all out to get it, either, because some are truer to the vision than others.

These are all just loose references, unofficial things that I use as a shorthand, lazy reference, things I use because I lack any other way currently to give a visualization of the two--until I actually draw Phyrra and Cyrus myself, I don't have any non-text picture of them. I can describe them, but without using these program screencaps, I can't actually show them to you yet because they haven't been drawn yet.

Butstill.
From this, you can probably get where I am coming from with what I am saying. Take a look at this in comparison since while not the best picture of the characters it's enough.

Cyrus's hair is more red than orange and his eyes are matched to the hair pretty much (not exactly, his eyes are more like the color of Emma's hair whereas his hair is redder than Emma's hair), and when Phyrra inhabits his body as she does for most of the show, she has the general aesthetic shown here by Emma. This shot shows a lot about Emma's personality and it is one perfect for Phyrra as well, showing expressions, showing thoughts, and so on and so forth.

Phyrra's hair is styled almost like Ray's, except removing the emo-covers-one-eye part of it. Pull that hair back so both eyes are visible, and suddenly you have her hair there, albeit hanging back down to the shoulders in the back. Blue instead of black, but you can get the idea.

Her eyes are almost exactly the color of whats-his-name's eyes over there.

And Cyrus, when inhabiting her body as he does for most of the show. Has an expression which is dead-inbetween Ray's and whats-his-name's. Not quite as cynical/serious as Ray, but also not quite as "open" as whats-his-name's. Deadpan, somewhat-serious, but not looking aggressive/dark as much as Ray does here.

So in a sense.

This is me paying the highest of high compliments to the show.

Comparing it to a novel I love and hold dear is high enough praise in of itself.

Egotistical to the extreme, sure, albeit not entirely unjustifiably so. (The novel I can trace its exact origins down to the short story which is still posted online. If I recall correctly, to about 2009ish, give or take a year. Turning it into a novel, I can also track down the exact year of, which I believe but am not sure was 2011. I am pretty sure that whenever the manga this anime is adapting was made, didn't start until after that, so my work comes first, even if it ends up published later. Which I realize doesn't change much, but is why I say not entirely unjustified...just mostly unjustified.)

But hey, I am egotistical so when an extreme narcissist like me says, "this work is like one of my own!", it is as high a praise as is possible because given how high I hold my work to be, the esteem in it, saying it's as good as that is saying it is really good.

...Yet I'm not just comparing it to the novel I love and hold dear.

I am comparing it to my pet project that I hold the highest of high ambitions for.

To the point where I even mentioned it in passing to my mom today, which is a way of kinda sorta solidifying it as "real".

When I mention something online, it can stay online forever and never have a form of "legitimacy" to it.
That doesn't mean that things online for me are illegitimate. But what it does mean is that things online are harder to have be legitimate.

And to say words in real life holds power.
Hearing Bree online is nice; hearing it in person is something which is life-changing.
That's the effect I am talking about, and I think this is something anyone online can understand what I'm getting at here. How what's done and said in real life means magnitudes more, and why it is a goal so much to strive for--because it is so worth it when it is actually done. It feels like the difference between saying and doing (real life), the difference between living it (real life) and not-really-not-living-it-but-not-really-fully-living-it.

I think you get what I mean.

Saying, even as a hint.
That Phyrra and Cyrus as a project exists.

Just had a way of solidifying it.
As.
Not just "this is something I want to do, but...".
But.
As.
"Yeah I'm doing this".

Phyrra and Cyrus, that project of mine that I hold the highest of high ambitions for, the thing where I solidified it as being real.

I am comparing to the show.

That show does basically everything I'd want to do in Phyrra and Cyrus.

So when I say "The Promised Neverland is the quality to which I strive to make Phyrra and Cyrus be".
There really can't be any higher praise than that.
​It's higher than the highest of the high praises.

It's been getting worse rather than better over the last few days.
It doesn't help that I'm having trouble staying asleep.
It's not that I go to sleep, then wake up, like, half an hour later--but I quite often will wake up every few hours or so, in spite of knowing that I need more sleep.

Worsening the barrier: after I've gotten six hours of sleep, I hit a wall when trying to get more sleep. I'll wake up, do the mental math, realize, "...Six hours?!? That's enough normally, but I'm sick! I need more sleep!", try...try...keep trying...but...
...NOPE!
...I'm awake, awake for good.

When I say that I only need six hours of sleep, this is why I know it to be true--because even when I try to get more, I can't. It's not tied to a circadian rhythm, either--that'd imply that the time I wake up is automatic. Except it doesn't matter. I go to bed at 2, I wake up at 8-9. I go to bed at 4, I wake up at 10-11. I go to bed at 5, I wake up at like noon.

If I'm lucky, I can get an extra hour or two of sleep in, to maybe push it up to eight--after having woken up, and instead of failing, succeeding...for a while.

Mind you, this is also one of the reasons why I don't go to sleep before midnight, quite often--yes it's true that I can't really get to sleep before midnight, but even if I did, that'd cause me to wake up way too early, because...say I need to wake up at 10 and went to bed at midnight; I'd wake up at 8, and that'd be torturous for me. (I'm a night owl, not a morning bird; I don't know how to handle spare time in the morning, whereas I know how to occupy myself when having spare time at night.)

Soyeah.
I need more sleep.
My body's refusing to give me more sleep. 

On the bright side, since I'm feeling too sick to attend to obligations for the most part (also not helping there, physical sickness + mental sickness = self-feeding loop, and when I'm sick with something, it therefore mixes with my bipolar disorder, draining away at my mental health, sapping my spare batteries), that's left me spare time to work on pet projects of mine.

Which, yes, means Across the Ages - Mediterranean is something I've worked on.
I finished the Rise of Rome map overlay, and briefly took a look at the maps I'd need later--I even got the art program downloaded.

Except no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the dimensions to fit.
Even if I got Pelusium and Byzantium to both match up, and even if they were at the right angles, the rest of the map's scaling was entirely off, and there was no fix.

I tried partial copy-pastes, to limited success. What it ended up looking like was more or less, me pasting usable pieces of Mesopotamia into the Rise of Rome map, replacing/expanding/augmenting what was there, with me removing parts from Mesopotamia not needed and me copying pieces of Rise I wanted to keep over Mesopotamia in the spots where Mesopotamia otherwise overrode Rise.

Which, mind you, could work--except it rather self-evidently wasn't going to be what I was after.

So I decided to give up on that.

Normally, that level of giving up would condemn the project to death--I can't figure out a way to smoothly recreate a map that uses Mesopotamia's scale, but includes Rise of Rome's rest of the Mediterranean which is expanded in the Middle Ages and through Napoleon with features of Age of Discovery.
My entire goal.

I wanted to do that--and I can't.

Like I said, that's the kind of thing which is usually a deathblow, spelling an end to the idea altogether.

But there's one tried and true method I've yet to employ.

A little thing called "trial and error".
More error than trial, but I am going to, bit by bit, manually, try to recreate the map, as I envision it. I went for 200 x 200 as a starting point, so we'll have to see if this ends up being the right scale. Mind you, I will need to, constantly, be revising these. Not a little, a lot. Every new map, I'll need to make adjustments to terrain--and so much as a single tile's difference could force me to radically alter the entire rest of the map.

Painstakingly, excruciatingly, slow, meticulous, methodical work.

But it is the only way, and I think I can do it.
With difficulty, but it's doable.

Just...not easily.

Initial estimates, by the way: either 200 x 200 isn't big enough, or I am making my Mesopotamia-scaled map too big and misjudged the scaling. Probably both.

This'll take me a while to fine-tune.

Wait, I'm making not one but two blog entries?
On a single day?!?

Yes I do that sometimes, yaknow. You've gotten used to me not doing it because I usually don't, but then again I usually am blogging close to the time I'm getting ready for bed. Or otherwise, am preoccupied with something else.

Today I actually have nothing but free time.

Which means nothing but time to do whatever.

And yet.

I literally have almost nothing else to do.

That's one of the reasons why I made the blog post today--I knew today was a perfect day to get work done on it.
But therein enters the title.

I don't have anything else to do today.

But I do need a break, even if said break means no more work gets done on it today.

I made my blog post hours ago. Something like 3, 4 hours ago, somewhere in that range or so.

...In spite of that.

I've only managed to catalog (partially catalog, mind you; there's more cataloging which needs to be done) Tribes, Civilization Advances, Great Wonders, Small Wonders, and Buildings for vanilla civ 3 conquests plus any linked game concepts (or game concepts I know I want to create)--this is the bare bones minimum entries.

I'm not recording the details. Just the bare essentials. Absolute basic stuff. And I'm not using the editor yet or the notepad yet (mostly); this is just what I am grabbing from the game itself which needs to be recorded.

​Yet I still have Governments, Units, Worker Actions, Terrain, Resources, and the rest of Game Concepts not already covered in the list I've got.

Bare minimum.

And yet hours in.

I'm already exhausted from the effort.

But this is what I needed to do.
Once I've got a master list up and running.
Of everything.

Then all I need to do.
Is then catalog the specifics--which with the formatting I have, is easy enough.

It sounds daunting, but it's not.
It's just...time-consuming to get the groundwork in.
But once the groundwork is in, it'll flow ridiculously fast.

You probably know that sort of concept. There's usually at least something in your life that works that way. Where it's time-consuming, difficult, hard, to get the base work done, but once you have the foundation, it flows effortlessly.

Same principle here.

I just need a nap or something to take a break and come back later to it.

It's most of the way to being 6 am, and I'm still awake.

Was reading much further into Worm; just finished Drone 23.1. Honestly at this point--I may know only a single incredibly mild spoiler; literally everything else I can think of that I knew in advance when starting, has already transpired.

​Totally worth it, though.

How much? Six and a half inches, snow. Enough where we have maybe one car capable of getting out? Most of us were certainly staying home today, including me. Fortunately, I didn't need to tell my boss that I couldn't come due to inclement weather, because my boss told me that our facility was closed for today. (Did need to cancel my counseling appointment tho.)

It is cold and it is not gonna melt and even if it did melt it's gonna refreeze which is even worse than before the melt. (Funny thing, ice is ten times more dangerous than snow. Snow's not much worse than water; ice is...well, ice. And melted snow refrozen makes solid sheets of it.) Meaning I probably won't be going to tae kwon do tomorrow, either. (Which kinda sucks, as I said I would and it's the first day of a new session for the lil' kids class. But, safety first.)

Being trapped at home on a day I didn't intend to be left me realizing...it is immensely, tremendously, overwhelmingly, boring because I am still in that recovering position of not really knowing what to do because I still don't feel like :efforting:. Mostly, I messed around for a few hours in Majesty (someone figured out a quest turning Majesty into a tower defense game of sorts, and then released a mod based on that quest for guardhouses which upgrades them further than the mods existing, allowing for lots of fun).

I also have made significant progress on the story of Worms. I'm ending the night having just finished Interlude 14--by my understanding, not even remotely close to finished with the story and it certainly doesn't feel that way. There are events which I know happen (TVTropes spoilers, the very thing that got me into reading Worms in the first place). One or two, I can kinda sorta see as maybe being close, but the others are events that in order to transpire (which I know they do), require significant setup (which hasn't happened yet), setup that doesn't just magically appear out of thin air.

So, slow and steady progress to go. Reading a comment at circa 12 posted in like 2018, I seem to recall them stating, "not even a third of the way through", and that wouldn't surprise me in the least. It is a thoroughly entertaining read, and I'm actually a little miffed at one little thing; Shatterbird's control over glass (which extends to Silicone) is pretty much exactly the power one of my heroes (canonical to the Rubyverse) has; he even goes by the codename of Silicone.

Ah well. The OP nature of that power (in a bad future, said character is one of less than ten superheroes/supervillains left alive in the dieing Earth and could continue to exist even after literally every single other person died; through time travel where he basically inserts himself into the pass, said future is averted and thus his present-self is significantly weaker than that and rather deliberately keeps himself rather weak since he hates his future self's guts and both share the sentiment of him not wanting to walk that path a second time, but I digress) is bound to be something others would be aware of.

Anyway, at least I'm not sick like I thought, and didn't have stress of work to make it worse. Also, we haven't lost power. Obviously, saying that is tempting fate, but realistically speaking, if we were going to lose power, we probably would have already. The snow stopped falling; the melting and refreezing could knock out power, but is incredibly unlikely to, and even if it did. It remains true that so far, it hasn't, which remains a blessing in my books.

I think that's all I can think of to say, so probably gonna go to bed now.

WHY MUST I GO TO BED

I want to create.
Except.
My mind is racing.
All it is saying is.
I want to create I want to create I want to create I want to create IwanttocreateIwanttocreateIwanttocreate

And so on and so forth. On repeat. I know what I want to create. I have a very, very strong passion for Phyrra and Cyrus right now. I've thrown around ideas for other things, but they were thrown out because of the overwhelming urge of, "No. Phyrra and Cyrus. I want to create I want to create I want to create".

The problem is.

With my mind racing like that.

I can't focus in on what to do.
I can't hone in on what I would create.
I can't slow it down to think rationally.
I'm just being flooded with the same thoughts over and over again, and each time I have a spark of an idea on what to do, I think, "That might be good, but what do--" and then the flood gates overwhelm with I want to create I want to create I want to create.

I don't know what to do.
I want to create, but I am 100% manic right now.
No other word can describe this.

​I want to create.

So a prior obstacle I was facing was coming up for a name of the planet Phyrra and Cyrus is set on. Today, I did that.

It has more to it than that of course.
To understand this ALL, you'd need me to give you a ramble on the birth of the colliniverse, but I don't feel like doing all of that (it was intended to be a full ramble on its own) just as a prelude for my real ramble.

The cliffnotes that are pertinent are, the colliniverse (the name of the setting for Phyrra and Cyrus) is thusly named because of the collision (thus, colliniverse) between INFINITY and Nothingness (thus, why INFINIverse/INFIverse were working titles and preferred titles for the setting until unfortunately I learned they were taken, alas).

There are four realms making up the colliniverse: the spirit realm, demon realm, mortal realm, and afterlife.

The first entities began to form simultaneously in two of these realms: the demon realm and spirit realm. These proto-demons and proto-spirits began to take on some properties of their realm (demons got the short end of the stick, but due to this fact, were the innovators of several breakthroughs).

While it took a long time for them to gain both shape and form, once they had begun to do so, they began to interact with their environment. Spirits learned that unless suffering cessation of existence, they could never truly perish. This meant that while they could visit the afterlife, they could never permanently reside within.

Demons meanwhile learned that to go to the afterlife, they had to suffer irreparable damage to their form, usually the utter destruction of said form altogether--a one way trip. They could of course suffer cessation of existence like a spirit, but they also had a permanent destruction. Thus, demons basically invented the concept of death.

Spirits and demons alike found that they could procreate, creating more spirits and demons; spirits and demons found that on some occasions, new spirits/demons could form without procreation (more common for spirits than demons tho).

Later on, some demons found out that in spite of reaching adulthood and maturing, they would continue to go through the process of time development--and since at adulthood they were at a prime, they would go past their prime and wither, even die. Thus, demons invented the concept of aging as well, something foreign to spirits aside from in the context of birth-to-maturity (which spirits understood).

Spirits also found they could do something demons couldn't. In ONE specific area of the mortal realm, they found that they were able to influence it. They were vaguely aware of the vast expanse of the mortal realm beyond said area, but slowly shaped this world's properties, within the confines of what they were able to manipulate with their limited influence.

This world is the world on which Phyrra and Cyrus takes place. Spirits were struggling with creating anything with a soul in the mortal realm, in spite of now being able to (briefly) visit said realm. (Demons, too, learned that they could visit this realm.)

They had the right building blocks, but something was missing. The spark of life just wasn't there...
...Until a demon named Lilith deliberately, willingly, underwent cessation of existence to impart pieces of her soul to all of the potential proto-life.

This process was what the planet needed to jumpstart evolution. (Mind you, evolution of life was possible without her--it's just that she made it advance leaps and bounds. She also did this at least partially out of spite, to leave her mark on the world as a "screw you" to spirits.)

And thus, the world would forever bear her name: Lilim.

Incidentally, two more demons also contributed.

Once Lilith provided her mark, demons soon learned it was possible to imbue life with their soul, albeit suffering cessation of existence when doing so. Life, mind you. Didn't require demon souls in order to thrive. There's not a finite, limited, supply of souls. New souls for life are born all the time. It's just that it's possible for a demon to make one particular lifeform have their soul.

Incarnos figured out how to import himself to the mortal realm, permanently, WITHOUT suffering the cessation of existence demons previously had suffered. He even kept his identity and personality, albeit losing his original shape and all his prior experience. The trick was that it needed to be done from the afterlife, and to imbue the new life with its soul at the exact moment the life would gain a soul.

So Incarnos invented the process of...reincarnating.

And finally, perfecting both the work of Incarnos and Lilith, we have Huuma, who reincarnated himself into a proto-human, yet also managed to pass on a small piece of his soul (not enough to destroy him, but enough where all of his progeny would bear at least some of his gifts) to all of his offspring. The whole was retained, but still passed on.

And it was from him that humans eventually formed. (It was not instantaneous, mind you.)

Eventually, spirits and demons alike perfected their forms, their lives, their abilities, their aspects, and so on and so forth and how to enter into the mortal realm. But this is some of the backstory for the process, which I could elaborate on further if I gave you the original ramble on how this state came to be in the first place.

Butyeah. The world has a name now: Lilim.

Now I just need to unbury my drawing of a rough map of Lilim, and figure out how to create more precise geography and from that geography map out intuitive kingdoms from which I can then create the nations that will be named and visited.

And from there, it's naming cities. If I can name all major cities, then I'll have basically done the last bit of worldbuilding I need, since I already did worldbuilding on things like magical leylines, miasmic veins, and the like, with the distinction between beasts, demons, monsters, and whatnot. (Just because I neglected to share them doesn't mean I didn't do them!)

​I'm getting to where scriptwriting will be ridiculously easy.
So.

​Progress!

But no less sick.

In fact I'm actually more sick than before.

I had pains all along my right side. Shoulder, arm, knee, and especially the hip. These have since faded, but were quite bad at work.

My "zoning out" problem is getting worse and worse. To describe what that is, I honestly think it's a self-defense mechanism of some kind. When my body's suffering, my eyes just kinda...vacate. Become vacant. Zoom out. Fade out. I still see things, and I see them with no blur, but in spite of my vision not being blurred, it's unfocused. I can't really process what I'm seeing, because it's just kinda "out there".

That's something I've had every single day, some days much worse than others, and usually it's when my sickness is making me absolutely miserable, not helped by rather human conditions, like needing to use the restroom, dehydration, hunger, being cold, being hot, being tired, though these latter three are mostly from sickness. (The former three are more from work conditions just being brutal.)

I kinda blank out when it happens, too. My mind sometimes has thoughts in it, but often it's just empty. I exist, but there's nothing in me in those moments.

To be honest, those moments are a little scary--because every time I have them, I'm worried that they could take a turn for the worse. With, I dunno. Maybe me blacking out altogether or something. (Buthey. Doctor in two days! Not tomorrow, but the day after, on Wednesday. With luck, something can be done.)

I've been exhausted, in spite of multiple naps, and also suffering from a minor depression symptom of demotivation, in that I really haven't felt like doing anything. I've had productive things I could have been doing. Or even unproductive things which would at least be progressing something. Something, anything, even if not much.

But I didn't really do any of those. (I did knock out some puzzle games from my 500-game-and-growing-due-to-my-procrastination-and-giving-up playlist on Kongregate, though, so at least I was exercising my brain? Doing puzzles is scientifically proven to be healthy, so. Not total waste?)

I've also eaten a fair amount, albeit not quite as much as I was hoping. I ate most of my lunch; all but the ham and cheese sandwiches, which I felt I wouldn't stomach. I ate soup. I ate some grapes. I had some orange juice. Also drank tea and plenty of coffee at work (with two artificial sweetener packets and two sugar packets for the tea). But I was fixed four hot dogs, and...I don't think I can eat them.

I didn't take a shower today even though I know I need one, in part due to my dad's eating at the time I wanted to but mostly due to fatigue and wanting sleep rather than a warm shower (which honestly would probably have helped more than the sleep but OH WELL).

I have a slight sore throat and have had a little coughing today, too. Didn't really check my temperature at any point but have had the normal sickness variances in extremes between burning up and freezing cold. Then there's the tiredness, if you hadn't gathered that already! Less than before, but still existing.

But I think that's about it.

So, worse than before overall, but not terribly so. This is still "about normal" for me...given that I'm sick.
​This is, absolutely, in no circumstances, normal. But it's normal for me in my current condition. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm glad I'm not worse off. Still bad, still sucks, but I know I could be faring much worse than today.