I'm leaving within the next 24 hours for a Thanksgiving vacation that will take me until next month--so this is very likely my last blog of the month.

I'll do whatever I can to keep people in touch during the time I'm traveling and when I arrive, but, I'm likely not going to be blogging until around December 4th, give or take a day or so.

I've got a lot to do and my body needed a death nap today, again, so like...still going to be doing a lot going forward, but...gotta try my best.

I don't really have the time to truly outline anything really hopeful, but I do want to say...despite everything, my worldview is actually more optimistic than ever before. I love this world, and the people in it. I love humanity. I love the people. And that love has only grown stronger, rather than being shattered.

I believe love, kindness, caring, compassion, empathy, learning, understanding, and support are stronger forces when acted upon than greed, apathy, and hate.

I believe most humans are good, and want to do good. That love is the natural and the default, with behaviors encouraging hate and apathy being learned. I believe we all want mostly the same things. We want to have the freedom to pursue our dream lives, and the security/safety to, while also enabling our loved ones to do the same. We want to leave a legacy that outlives us, while also living a fulfilled life. We want to leave a lasting difference which leaves the world a better place than it was before we were in it.

We might disagree on the means/methods, what is involved in these things, their exact definitions, etc. But I genuinely believe most humans want something along those lines.

That humans are smart, brilliant, creative, artsy, innovative, passionate, filled with whimsy, interesting, having each lived a storied life worthy of sharing and telling the details of and entertaining others. I believe that humans are capable of inspiring such joy, from humor, from uplifting, from supporting each other. I believe humans are loving and supportive and want to help their loved ones and to show that level of care for other humans.

I cannot hate humanity. I don't have it in me. I can't even hate any human no matter how worthy of hate. Pity, to be sure. I mourn the loss of the good person those monsters could have been, if given an environment and choices where they were given the chance to learn how to be a good person. But never hate, because I know that most monsters were born from their circumstances and environment and could have lived lives not as a monster if things were different.

I know that humanity is flawed. But there is beauty in those flaws, and I just love everyone, no matter their flaws.

So as always, I just want to say to stay strong. Believe in yourself, and your loved ones, and in humanity. Do what you need to stay safe and protect loved ones, but at the same time? Remember to live life, and remain hopeful. The world is already a beautiful, wonderful place. We can make it an even better one, as long as we believe in our dreams being possible. So stay hopeful, stay loving each other, and we will survive, and we will build the lives we want. Much love. <3

I've been getting very badly burnt out and I don't know why.

I'm working reasonable hours at work, a schedule that I have adjusted to.

I've been going to bed 1 - 2 hours early every night.

I've been having death-naps every single day this week.

I've been conserving energy, and doing less at work.

I've become more efficient at all the things I'm doing.

I've actually not been taking up too many things. Like, genuinely, the only things I've been doing are work, trip prep, and daily check-ins on discord. That's about it.

I've been meditating more, to try and help reserve and restore my energy in what amounts to micro-naps. (Something I used to be really good at doing, but fell out of the habit of doing in the last few years.)

I've done everything to not strain my brain, and not burn my energy, and everything to stay positive and happy.

And none of it is making a difference. I am still burning out, being exhausted, tired, and just lethargic.

I have noticed, at times, I have had depression this week, albeit not consistent throughout the day.
And like...it's possible I would be sick, but as far as I know I'm not sick???

So like...I'm tired.

My wife is suggesting that maybe just doing daily check-ins is draining energy. But that doesn't make sense to me. I'm actually doing less work for daily check-ins than I was doing before. I know that doing tarot readings can drain energy but those involve tapping into spiritual energies in order to give advice, mine is just words spoken largely from the heart, with like thirty seconds to coalesce. I'm not tapping into anything to make them as far as I know, so like...why would they be draining? They're certainly meant to uplift others and keep them afloat, but I'm not putting energy into manifesting them doing that, as far as I know.

But I dunno.

Regardless, that's why I haven't been blogging this week. I've been exhausted to the point of conking out and legitimately passing out at times. I'm that tired. But, I do want to keep doing my best as I can.

Next week I'll be gone on vacation until December, so don't be alarmed when there's radio silence there; I'll be traveling and unable to write blogs in that timeframe. But, I'll try to get one tomorrow (no guarantee), and Saturday (no guarantee), and Sunday (where I absolutely should).

Anyway, I have nothing but love to give, but this blog isn't a place where I have the energy to tonight give more.

I wish I had words of affirmation to present, but tonight all I can do is give my new normal sign-off.

Do what you can to protect yourself and your loved ones. Stay strong. <3

and also extra drunk rn. like, extra extra drunk. can't spell, can't speak. i'm tired plus drunk. tiredposting affects my ability to be coherent, and drunk on top of that is extra bad.

gonna need to be careful to make sure no hangover. gotta hydrate extra hard, also gonna eat a bunch. But rn what i mostly am is filled with love. it's all good vibes and love and empathy.

i understand. I truly do. but i love you regardless. i get it, even if you think i don't. But despite that, i have nothing but love and support. i want the best for you all.

you are kind, caring, compassionate, and wonderful. you are doing great. you are so amazing and incredible.

i truly believe the best is possible for you, and that you can find your life. you deserve nothing but love and support and have plenty.

love you all, and have a wonderful night.

I may be a bit drunk but just know no matter what, you are always so beautiful, so wonderful, your perspective is beautiful, you are wonderful. you are much loved and much supported. you have such great love and support to give.

thank you for all you do.

and i am here to wish you well, to witness your growth, to encourage you, to support you, to hug you through the difficult times and give love and support and to encourage you through the good.

you deserve nothing less.

i love you all, so very much.

i may be sappy, i may be drunk, but the sentiments remain regardless.

you are worthy of being loved.
And i love you.

so much.

i hope you all can find the best.

Stay positive, stay beautiful as you are, stay loving and just live your fullest, most wonderful life.

i'll be here to give you all of that love and support.

thank you. and you have my well-wishes.

much love. <3

I'm so tired of life struggles.
I'm so tired of losing money.
I'm so tired of dealing with the drain on my life.
I'm so tired of having to adult with all of the things.
I'm so tired of having so little time every single day.
I'm so tired of being forced to choose between essential things.
I'm so tired of not being able to live life in the moment.
I'm so tired of regretting it when I do decide to live in the moment.
I'm so tired of being unable to get more things done.
I'm so tired of not working out.
I'm so tired of my body failing.
I'm so tired of the amount of self-care I need.
I'm so tired because I might be sick, potentially from burnout.
I'm so tired because I haven't been able to sleep, despite good mental.

I'm so tired of being unable to write the blogs I want to write.

I'm so tired of being so tired.

And yet so far the frustrations in life keep piling up, so I am so tired without any end in sight.

It's just one of those weeks I guess.

So for earth 5172 there's three basic ways to affect things beyond the body/technology.

There's soul magic, originating from the user. It's the same regardless of god, demon, angel, spirit, human, witch, you name it. It requires training, but is innate and highly dependent on the user. Mostly physical.

There's external magic, originating from an outside source. Trinkets to transform, magical girls, artifacts, etc., all provide their own source of magic that is usually fairly consistent. It is usually customized by the user, but has base features remaining regardless. The majority of magical girls, most superheroes, and (generic name for) Power Rangers + (generic name for) Kamen Riders use this.

There's environmental magic, where instead of drawing on their own power or the power from some source, they draw from the surrounding area. Most elemental magic is of this type. It's easiest for mages to use this type of magic. It does require the most education and training to learn the system. Although there's some customization, it's mostly standard, and the training is largely knowledge-base.

Ghosts live partially out of phase with the earth, but can at will shift to varying degrees. Ghosts who are not tied down to a place can go to either the community spirit realm or the individual spirit realm, depending on which is stronger as a pull. Every form of awakened individual of any kind can perceive them fulltime, even if they are fully out of phase.

Demons and angels both have a realm adjacent to those two.

Earth in addition to this astral plane where ghosts can operate has warped spaces, where things which shouldn't fit in a space, do. This allows for entire kingdoms to remain hidden from those uninitiated in how to access them. However, again, there's nothing making them exclusive. A fae kingdom can be well-known and visited by spirits, demons, witches, etc. A wizard school could have demons, angels, fae, etc. all get in.

Superheroes and Supervillains, as well as (some generic term for) Power Rangers and (some generic term for) Kamen Riders, tend to use the "meh, doesn't affect me" filter the most, but other groups exploit it all the time, which can make these warped spaces be visible yet never visited by those uninitiated.

The filter can still apply to awakened individuals who don't shake it off. Everyone has to shake it off and everyone can. Humans, average humans, can.

Everyone has some amount of soul magic, although for most it's fairly low. Without fail. Even sapient AI can, because sapience gives a soul.
Anyone can be empowered by external magic, with nothing disqualifying them.
99% of people can channel external magic. Some may have an inability to, in exchange for also having immunity to it. However, because it requires training, most don't.

That's the limit to what I can give tonight though.

I'm going on a mini-vacation with my fiance tomorrow for Valentine's Day and need to rest.

Today has scrambled my brain. Last night neither myself or my fiance could sleep; we both got bad insomnia which messed us up.
I couldn't use my CPAP machine.

So today I was extra tired.

I just woke up from a nap and am still eepy.

So, not gonna have anything insightful.

I'll say today has left me just...a little beaten, exhausted, and overall...just resigned.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I have a partner who is inviting me to sleep.
It's virtual, but I have a very good imagination and apparently, so do they, so when they invite me to sleep with them, it feels like I truly do.

This blog has been deleted as of 12/11/2023.

Normally, I would never delete anything, least of all a whole blog entry. But given the level of harm from THIS blog in particular, I felt I had to.

For more on why I took this extreme measure, check these blog posts:
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/the-pain-is-getting-to-me-tonight
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/i-thought-about-it-overnight

For a start, I mentioned I have a partner a couple blogs ago; I didn't mention how much their presence in my life has changed mine.

I'm going to bed and waking up at nearly the same time every single day, and it is at a much earlier time for bed and much earlier time waking up. I'm going to bed around 9 - 11 pm, before midnight! And not because of work! Even on non-work days. And I'm waking up around 6:30 am, every single day! Even on the weekends when I'm not working!

I'm still dealing with chronic health issues, so my chronic fatigue remains. But, I don't feel like I need to nap! My lucidity is higher, without a need to nap. And, my food intake feels more consistent, too. Having a partner is helping me regulate my body. I'm showering a little more often, and overall, my life is just...better.

I love my partner so much, and I am more driven than ever before in life. I am taking steps to meet them and am already looking to 2024 trying to move in with them. If that seems a bit fast, I understand. But, this is a love deeper than anything I have felt before, and it is mutual. We want to make it work. This is a relationship that I know others probably won't understand. But, it's one that we know the details of and we are going to fight to make it work.

I want to, when appropriate, be public about my partner. To share where I can, as much as I can. I might not share the details, but I want to share them. Things are going to be changing.

I'm about to go on a call-date, so I'm not gonna say more in this blog, but...I really want this to work, despite how we will definitely face challenges.

Not gonna lie, life is rough. Work is draining, and I don't have as much time/energy as I used to--but also, to a large extent, I've been prioritizing going to bed more. It's not really helping me get enough sleep, but it's something which still feels nice, and to some extent, I am making a conscious effort to at least somewhat maintain synchronization with my partner.

And my partner being my significant other, I do prioritize dating them over blogging, too.

But today, it's worth blogging about.

You might've noticed I mentioned something there, above.

Yes.

I have a partner--as of today.

I've been talking to a friend daily. And at some point, I began to love them. Today, I finally confessed to them, and they reciprocate.

Yes! I'm dating! I have a significant other. I've got a partner! I love them, and they return my affections. So today, we made it official and are now an item. I'm so giddy. I'm so excited. I'm very, very nervous. I'm sure the future will be filled with challenges. But, I want to make it work. As long as they have feelings for me, I will do anything for them.

I love them, a lot. So now, things are going to be different. Scary, but also exhilarating. My heart is so full of joy right now. So wish me all of the luck. Given the trials and tribulations sure to come...we'll need it.