Today marked my family doing family things during family night.
And by that I mean being extreme transphobes.

As a reminder; I am out as trans.
They know I am a girl.
They still were, very very very openly, being fully transphobic.

This week I ended up not taking care of myself. I did one, one, workout correct, but failed to do a workout for 3/4 days.

I've not been brushing my teeth.
I've not taken a shower or changed my clothes.
I've not gotten sleep.
I've not been blogging.
I've not been streaming.

I had the last person I would ever expect to be pluralphobic (genuinely were a huge part of me realizing I am trans, AND, a huge part of me realizing I am plural), invalidate the identity of one of our system mates.

Heck I've lost my voice and might be sick.

No self-care.
No work done on anything.

I haven't even played my weekly ranked games!
No games.
No blogs.
No writing.
​No art.
Nothing.

I'm just...

I don't know how to live.

Need sleep now.
​Check schedule work tomorrow, need to also do stream stuff tomorrow (and shower), need to also get pay stuff for work done but sleep now. Super tired.

To be fair, fairly productive day. I didn't do everything I wanted to do--but I'm making large amounts of progress in my record keeping, and it's coming together nicely. I looked at it and was like, "Ohhh...YEAHHHH."

I'm looking at it and it is writing itself.

Now, I realize that writing this info isn't writing the story. I should just be writing the story. But, I want to get things presented the way I want them to be. I want to have my notes not be in discord messages to myself, and available in the notes. I've been slacking on rl stuff that my notes have been getting in the way of me pursuing, because I've been focusing on the notes.

Okay so talking hard right now. Basically, to explain: I have a notes discord where I have notes of all kind to myself. Because some sort of technical glitch kept me from recording things onto my docs directly, I began using the notes for it. And because my doc notes were a mess and the discord notes a mess, everything is a mess.

​And I want to clean them up.

​And this is also important because the discord where I have notes to myself also has other notes, and those notes are getting drowned by the farn notes, and I want to get the focus back on the rl notes rather than the farn notes.

So basically.

I know this won't make much sense to others.

​But basically, I'm working on the farn notes so that I can get my rl notes to be more clear. I've got a long, long ways to go. But if I get it done, it'll make things a lot easier for me.

Well, duh, there's always something wrong with me. Mentally, physically, etc. I am never well, ever.

But no, I think whatever this is, it's actually pretty serious and pretty bad.

I've gained two pounds in half a week.
And yet, my appetite has only increased. I'm more hungry than ever before in spite of eating more.
I am dizzy, lightheaded. Extremely lightheaded.
I'm having plenty of fluids. I'm keeping my medications. Hydrating. I've had plenty of food, and a wide variety of them, too. I've had my vitamins every night. I took a nice refreshing shower.

I had some yogurt. I'm drinking both orange juice and chocolate-laden milk-laden coffee (that also has residual tea).

I did my workouts this week. I've also been getting more sleep. I got over eight hours a couple days ago and over seven hours last night. (When the normal is six and for the last few weeks I've gotten nothing but five.)

I've been shifting positions. Standing up, sitting down, lying down. Resting, but not too much.

And yet, for whatever reason.

I am very very very lightheaded. Like, legit feel like I'm going to pass out--and not from tiredness.

That's bad.

I don't know what's causing it.

​But whatever it is, it can't be good.

I'm tired.

I am struggling.

I am not doing well.

And I don't think anyone can help.

Well, somewhat.
I had multiple lucid dreams that I swear were dreams of alternate realities, or rather, it felt more like dreams of this reality in past or future loops. At least that's how the dreams felt. As memories of lives I am not currently living but are lives that I live, lived, or will live. (This is always an incredibly unpleasant experience and reduces rest during the sleep.)

However, one of the dreams was instead a story about a mother and her two daughters (the oldest and youngest sibling), going to a vacation house. The boys leave, but while the boys are out, the women get snowed in.

I have no clue what the vibes of the story (it was actually a movie) were. Horror? Comedy? Slice of life? Horror-comedy? Supernatural? Mundane? Survival? I don't know. I just know the setup, I woke up before the plot began.

Still, I'd forget the idea if I didn't blog about it so here's me blogging about it!

So on Saturday, I had the ambitious hope that the stream I was doing then would finish the project I was on and then I could blog about the result. It's a map of our plurality throughout the ages. (Speaking of which, we found the voice and name of at least one punmaster in our system. Hermione is close to Joy and Ashe, with her puns making them both laugh.)

We, uh...didn't. xD

And yesterday we were just behind on things.

So like.

No blog for two days, sorry.

As-is this blog is late, is already past our bedtime, so...gotta be quick. Just the bare minimum.

​I wanna say better blogs will return, but like, don't make promises you can't keep Bree.

I'm tired physically.
I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired mentally.

Just...exhausted.

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

I've been swampedddddd. Not getting enough sleep, doing a bunch of work...life's been hectic for me recently.

I've got a bunch of story work to do, because the number of stories to write for farn is officially increasing from two to three. And I'm actually working on expanding the roster of villains. (I've got a full roster of heroes, albeit heroes that I need to justify why they are doing what they do, but villains...I'm coming up short. So I've been working on fixing that. Mostly I need mooks since lead villains I mostly got covered.)

But like.

Just...need to survive the work week.

Today I spent $400 on clothes, which was all good clothes but the cost made me die inside a bit.

​Anyway, feeling sick to my stomach for some reason, so...gotta rest.