But, extra productive! I've been doing a ton. Not quite everything, but a lot.

I've been regularly doing my workout. I've gone up to 11/100, from my 5/100 starting point.
I actually brushed my teeth.

I've been staying on top of my meds, or at least on top of the minimum amount for them.

I'm showering, albeit probably not as much as my hair needs me to be.

I'm using the creams which help me with gender euphoria and keeping my skin healthy.

I'm eating regularly.

I'm sleeping with all the sleep aids I can get. I'm using my CPAP machine, a weighed blanket, an inclined bed, comforting pillows, etc.

I'm streaming regularly.

I've been writing snippets/excerpts for my novel, as well as writing down notes for it, too.

I've been doing art for my streams and discord.

I'm planning things.

Today I did grocery shopping, and cleaned the trash out of the apartment.

I also started assembling my PC.

I've been doing a lot, so while I am tired, I'm also proud of what I have done.

Yes, I need to do more.
I need to follow through on the aid for finances.
I need to stream tomorrow.
I need to continue recording videos and resume uploading them.
I need to keep blogging like I am today.

I need to continue making art.
I need to keep doing everything I am doing, and then add a little more.

It's a lot.

But I can do it.

Given all I've accomplished today, I'm likely resting for the rest of the night. Maybe rewarding myself with some Stardew Valley, despite having not finished what I was aiming to.

But, I am not slacking. I am not giving up. I am driven. I am motivated. I have a lot I need to level up.
This blog.
My videos.
My discord.
My streams.

All are kinda lacking right now.

But, I am getting better. Bit by small bit. Just gotta keep growing and improving as I go.

I've just been too tired, too busy, too distracted, etc., all causing me to be doing other things.

And because I'm blogging in five places now, there's also an intimidation factor involved, since it's not just writing a blog, it's posting it everywhere.

And there's also the intimidation factor of, "I've been gone a long time, I need to make sure my return to blogging is something noteworthy and significant."

But then it never happens because of that.

And like...this blog is meant to be daily.

I'm not going to write a banger blog every single day.

Anything is better than nothing.

But like, I guess I can give life stuff.

I started recording and releasing videos--they aren't great, but I'm doing them.

I'm starting to write again.

I'm doing more art, and will probably share that when it's not 9 am as I'm writing this (keeping in mind the posting time is gonna eat into that even more).

I'm streaming more regularly, and documenting my plurality.

I'm doing work on my stream and my discord.

I want to get consistent in things like my streams are. Consistent blogs, consistent videos, etc. It's hard, but I think I can.

​So, I just wanna keep going. I have good things going for me. I just need to keep it up.

I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I've been putting four hours per day into Stardew Valley.

On the one hand...yeah I'm enjoying it that thoroughly.

On the other hand...imagine what that time could have been spent doing.

I could have recorded affirmation videos.

I could have done more work on my discord. Done discord art for it.

I could have worked more on mapping out my plurality.

I could have done more work on my spirituality.

I could have started the art for my two emotes I want to make.

I could have done work on my novel.

I could have edited my poem I wrote back on Thursday.

I could have done...so many things.

And I spent the time on a game.

Which...I mean...the Stardew Valley brainrot is very real. But like...

...I am in a situation where we have so much we should be doing.

We should be trying to assemble my PC.

We should be trying to get more income.

I should be checking to see if I am getting an income raise, and asking if I can work more hours otherwise.

I dunno, I just feel like...I'm wasting time I couldn't afford to waste.

I know, can't stress out too much.
I know, I need to enjoy myself.
But like...this level of enjoyment...it feels excessive.

So I just...need to get control of myself.

I don't want to miss out on the good things in life by playing a game that's never going away.

and also extra drunk rn. like, extra extra drunk. can't spell, can't speak. i'm tired plus drunk. tiredposting affects my ability to be coherent, and drunk on top of that is extra bad.

gonna need to be careful to make sure no hangover. gotta hydrate extra hard, also gonna eat a bunch. But rn what i mostly am is filled with love. it's all good vibes and love and empathy.

i understand. I truly do. but i love you regardless. i get it, even if you think i don't. But despite that, i have nothing but love and support. i want the best for you all.

you are kind, caring, compassionate, and wonderful. you are doing great. you are so amazing and incredible.

i truly believe the best is possible for you, and that you can find your life. you deserve nothing but love and support and have plenty.

love you all, and have a wonderful night.

I may be a bit drunk but just know no matter what, you are always so beautiful, so wonderful, your perspective is beautiful, you are wonderful. you are much loved and much supported. you have such great love and support to give.

thank you for all you do.

and i am here to wish you well, to witness your growth, to encourage you, to support you, to hug you through the difficult times and give love and support and to encourage you through the good.

you deserve nothing less.

i love you all, so very much.

i may be sappy, i may be drunk, but the sentiments remain regardless.

you are worthy of being loved.
And i love you.

so much.

i hope you all can find the best.

Stay positive, stay beautiful as you are, stay loving and just live your fullest, most wonderful life.

i'll be here to give you all of that love and support.

thank you. and you have my well-wishes.

much love. <3

I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning. 

Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.

Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.

We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.

I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.

Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.

It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.

Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.

And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.

Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.

​We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.

​But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now. 

I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.

I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.

Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.

I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.

I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.


Let's share the prototype.
​Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.



Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.


Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.


Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.


Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.


Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.

My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.


Words I use are always imperfect, 
Yet I show my love despite the defects.


Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé. 

Words are how I show my yearning, 
Words are proof of my earnings. 



I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.

Words carry such healing power, 
Words give strength to what matters.


Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.


Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.


When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.


Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined. 


Words are my compass, guiding


Words kind
Mine


They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned. 


My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.

Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.


Words I can’t always give in full form free, 
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.

Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.


Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.

Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.


Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.


Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.








I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.



As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.

I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.

I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.

I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.

I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.

In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.

I'm doing well on my workouts.

Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.

And I even have a new updated Smug emote.