I don't want to sleep atm.
I don't feel like going deep in all in cuddling rn. (Burying my face in my wife.)
I don't want to do anything ENDING cuddle times tho.
But...I am feeling uninspired.

What should I be doing? I don't know.

I played Stardew Valley already.
I don't feel like doing content creation rn.
I don't feel like chatting anywhere.
I...don't know. Is this depression? ADHD? Burnout?

I don't know.

What's wrong with me.

I can't have fun.
I can't do work.
I can't enjoy the moment.
I can't sleep.

​I am feeling a pain but shouldn't be. I don't know.

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I keep losing time, although I don't really know what to.

I've mostly no work this month, so in theory, I have nearly unlimited free time. However, in practice, time keeps on slipping away from me.

I've been doing decently on everything, but not really great.

I got back into playing mafia, but I feel lackluster.

I am largely doing mafia obligations, yet I feel I could do more.

I am doing better at attending streams, but still not doing great.

I am doing better at being on top of discords, but still have work to do.

Me and my fiance are still not doing a lot of life stuff we should, and it's mostly my fault. I enable some bad spending habits, and we don't really have the funds for it. We're losing money over time because we're spending too much and not making enough, yet I've not changed our habits significantly.

We need to clean more and cook at home more, yet I'm not pulling my weight.

I need to brush my teeth, and I haven't been.

I need to be streaming more regularly, but I'm not.

On the bright side, I did hit affiliate--so I'm putting in the work to make my streams work. I'm in the laborious process of setting discord up the way I want it to be (it's a big process), which is a lot of effort, but I'm going through it slowly and steadily. I got three emotes uploaded, although one needs to be redone completely with a proper art program because I botched it. (The other two were memes and I've already redone them.) I made channel points rewards.

I'm not showing people the fruits of my labor yet, but when it's up and running, it's going to be great. I still need to figure out sound alerts and install the ones I want, but I'm getting there gradually.

I've had plurality breakthroughs, and understand how my system works.

I want to do a proper write-up later but for now a copypaste will have to do.

We know what our headspace looks like now.

We have The City, a central Hub that connects all the various worlds and biomes to each other. It’s an amalgamation of every city we saw as a child (namely Seattle, Bellevue, and Everett, with other PNW cities mixed in plus Detroit), combined with numerous fictional Depictions of cities.

The City connects to biomes such as The Endless Forest, The Hills, The Mountains, The Farm, The School(including The Playground), The Desert, and The PNW, among many others.

It also connects to every world we have ever invented.

In the middle of The City, there’s The Tower, which at the top has The Chatroom. This tower is a spiral tower at the bottom which transitions to a scifi tower reminiscent of Stargate Atlantis's Atlantis main tower, in that it is vaguely shaped like a squareish gigantic radio antennae.

The Chatroom is our fronting room. It acts like an oldschool online chat room. Nobody is ever truly there, but they can project an avatar of themselves there, where they can meet and chat, regardless of their current location or time.

From here, people can "front", but because they aren’t really there, they never assume full control of the body.

The body, from here, channeling all of its residents, can create an avatar of itself. This avatar can be either a visible third person, able to actively interact, or an invisible first person, passively observing.

That avatar of the body, created from The Chatroom, can do things like walk on air, viewing our headspace. It can talk to anyone in any location, regardless of time or space, so someone who is in The Chatroom and effectively fronting can talk to themselves in a different time by viewing the viewpoint of the avatar of our body.

I need to get back into blogging regularly and I need to get the mirror blog back up to date.

Today I went and added extra socials. Bluesky, Mammoth?, and Threads, as well as Instagram. I also did ko-fi.

I need to link all of my content again and start building my brand, so to speak. I'm putting in a lot of the legwork and getting a lot done, but I still have a long ways to go. I feel like I am wasting my time somehow still, because I am flying through the time each day. It's not nearly as productive as I want to be, but I am still doing the work I need to, albeit slower than I want.

Nothing is going great, but most things are going okay. 

I will be going on a double date on Friday, leading into a Sapphic Valentine's Day dance party. It's something I'm both very nervous about and also very excited. I have a lot to get done, and a lot I'm not doing as much as I should, but I am trying. Life is lifeing. It's a struggle, but I am doing a fairly good job.

I'm not helping people as much as I want to be. I'm still doing good work though, I know it.

I have creativity and ambition and all kinds of passion. I owe it to the world to make it manifest.

Weebly did its biweekly logout of me again so I got to check my stats semiunwillingly again. From the looks of things it's potentially possible I'm getting maybe one or two viewers, for whatever reason, but I doubt it. If I did, then thank you. I mean it. I never have anyone read what I write so it means a lot to me that you do.

I feel like I should mention this though. No, I don't willingly or obsessively track those stats. I basically just have them thrust upon me whenever I'm logged off and come back in. And you remain anonymous. I can't see any info about who did. I just unwillingly see it once every two weeks, and because nobody views my blog, if there's anything suggesting someone might have, it stands out.

Basically, because nobody cares enough to read what I do, if someone does, it leaves a ping, and that ping is something I'll see once every two weeks when I log back in to weebly. If my viewership weren't consistently zero, even if it were just consistently one or two, I wouldn't see anything; if weebly didn't log me out and put the stats screen there when I log in, I wouldn't see anything. It's only because I know nobody reads my blog from said stats that someone reading my blog stands out.

Given how things played out in December, that does always give me some paranoia of "oh no...what did I say wrong this time", wondering if I'm handing material to people to justify canceling me. But while that fear may be justified given it has probably permanently cost me the closest friendships in my life and left me with a lasting hole in my heart that will likely never heal...

...at the end of the day, I know most likely, any viewers wouldn't be here to see the bad. Not anymore. That ship sailed. That happened in December. Now, there's only those who are around for other reasons. So I should be quelling that paranoia. Instead of panicking and going "oh no...what did I do now??? Can't I just, for once, stop messing up???", I should be shifting to what is more likely:

Someone actually looked at my blog and by some miracle, thought I was worth listening to.

Like...it's just words. Boring words. Longwinded words. Inefficiently structured words. Surely it's boring to go through. And I do see that in the pages viewed, I only get two pages per visit viewed at most. So like...I know people don't stay for long, but it's possible they're staying just long enough to see it, and probably go, "meh", but if not, if interested, then I should have a different response.

I know I'm probably a bore. I know that the reactions are likely "meh" or "this is neat, but I don't have the time to go through it all rn", but there's a different attitude I should be taking, and that is:

Thank You.

Thank you for coming by.

Thank you for showing interest, even if you end up not sticking around.

Thank you for giving me a chance, no matter how brief.

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for checking me out.

Thank you for finding me interesting enough to check out my blog.

I'm sorry it's not better.

I'm sorry I'm not doing more than I do.

I'm sorry there's nothing more interesting than this. It is just my random thoughts for the day.

But like...it still matters. You matter. You came here and that means something piqued your interest to go out of your way to find me here and see what I'm about.

As it turns out what I'm about is going on longwinded rambles that bore people and leave people unable to read it all. Nobody can get through my blog. Nobody, not even me. I can't go through my blog, how could anyone else? I'm just that longwinded, I'm just that boring, I'm just that hard to read. But like--you still tried, for however brief a period, and that matters.

I know nobody will get to this section of this particular blog post. You'd have to somehow see this entry and see this middle section buried by the start and buried by the stuff after. But like--you still gave it your best, and that means a lot. You mean a lot. You are valuable. You do good work. You do good things.

You are good, and thank you for giving me a chance.

I do hope I can be worthy of it.

And I can say that I am going to strive to be worthy of that chance.

I'm trying to go on my own journey of growth. I've already grown a lot, but I've room to go yet. On a spiritual level and on an inner understanding of my system level, I still have a lot to learn. I know I'm strongly spiritually and have an immense spiritual attunement particularly surrounding Seleste, but running throughout all of me even those not involved in the spiritual.

I know I am not the know-it-all expert on the spiritual. I have developed what I feel are some pretty good personal beliefs about the spiritual (beliefs I've meant to share for years, and which continue to evolve and grow and be refined), but they're personal and I know better than to assume my beliefs are in the right. I know spirituality is at its root about connecting, connecting to people, connecting to the world, connecting on a higher level, etc.

I know that every person has a self which is important, and that ideally the self is in balance with connecting to others. Neither too much focus on the self without connecting to the grander world, nor too much to try and sabotage the self in favor of the grander world. Ideally in balance, with both the self and the world existing in equal importance, loosely speaking.

I'm still figuring out how to attain that balance myself. I know I am capable of doing a lot more good than I am, but I also know I need to be taking much better care of myself, too. I need to figure out how to balance the two, to make myself be healthy and have the spare energy for others to help them and make the world a better place for it.

I still think, though, that I am ready to grow into my role. As a guide, as a teacher, as a friend, as a voice of reassurance, as someone who can provide perspective and be a presence, just a presence, helping and being uplifting. Bringing that joy and positivity to others who have a desperate need of it.

I know my takes are not going to be perfect, nor are they always going to be welcome. So I always need to approach with the level of caution of saying as much, basically. I need to make sure I am okay to share my current perspective. But in spaces where it is acceptable, to people where they are open to it, I will share with them my view.

I am ready to let go of that bitterness. I am ready to let go of that hatred. I'm ready to let go of judging others by forced arbitrary standards. I'm ready to let go of condemning people for not being perfect. I'm ready to let go of anger. I am ready to forgive myself. I am ready to let go of self-loathing. I am ready to accept myself as I am, and the world as it is. To accept people as they are.

I know I can do it. That path of least harm and most good is something I've sought and struggled with. I still will struggle with it. I don't know what to do often. I don't know what the right thing is, if there even is one. There's something in particular I struggle with. Like, do I share the names of those involved in the mistake or don't I, do I share what happened or don't I, etc. I don't know if it's good to share or not. But, I am still going to try to do it.

On my own, I guarantee I will make mistakes. If by some miracle someone reads this and is upset I didn't do something they think I should have, or did something I shouldn't have, then all I can really ask of them is: please help me do better, then. I make fewer mistakes when I have the freedom to bounce the idea off of someone involved in the area I am struggling in.

I will do the best I can on my own. I work to better myself. I give everything I do so much thought--more than anyone will ever know. The mind of an AuDHD plural person is capable of doing in 24 hours what would take most 72+ to do. I can give things ten times more thought in half the level of time, and I do. I reflect. I consider. I approach from various angles and perspectives. I try to connect with my higher self, listen to my instincts, and follow the path of greatest good and least harm.

I try not to limit myself arbitrarily to invented concepts. I try to respect others and do the best thing by them. I try to do the right thing, always. But I am human, and I can never get it right all the time, least of all on my own. I am trying to open myself up to others. I am showing my vulnerabilities more, within the settings where it's acceptable to do so, and I'm trying my best to leave myself in a place where you can talk to me at any time.

My DMs are open on every platform at all times, especially discord.
I'm one chat away from being reached at any time.
I might make mistakes in terms of my understanding of boundaries. I constantly worry about one in particular. Every time I interact I'm wondering if I did too much and crossed the line; every time I don't interact, I worry I'm doing too little and not doing enough. For instance, someone set a boundary of not communicating with me but I know their birthday and wanted to wish them a good birthday. I'm opting for not wishing them because of not communicating, but that could be a mistake.

And I simply don't know, and there's no real way for me to really get good clarity here. I don't want to cross a boundary by asking too many questions about the boundaries, and I don't even know what to ask or what to really say. I don't know how to approach and get the clarity, so on my own, I'm just trying my best to do the right thing and I'm sure I'm making wrong calls on a lot of the specifics.

I'm really happy for my friends who have a lot of good going on, and really sad for my friends who have bad things happening, and I wish all of them the best, I really do, I want to give support to them all, I want to reassure the friends who have the bad and congratulate the friends who have the good, but I don't know what I am and am not allowed to say to them. They deserve the love and adoration I have for them all, but I know many probably don't want it from me because how I view them and how they view me is different.

I know that, I understand it, and I respect it--but I always want to do the best by them. I always want to do the right thing for them. And I'm never really sure what that is, especially on my own. A lot of these things, I'm basically alone in trying to guess. I don't know if I'm on the right track, or if I made a mistake. I only have my best guess.

So when I say please help me--that's what I mean. Please help me be better than I can be on my own. I am already trying my best on my own. If you think what I'm doing isn't enough, if you think what I'm doing is wrong, if you think what I'm doing is a mistake...then tell me, let me know, help me correct it. I try to correct myself on my own, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I can never be perfect on my own, and the more help I get, the better I can be.

Basically. I am good, but to be elevated above what I am now, I need others to help me be even better. I naturally get better with time on my own, but others can help my growth be explosive, by helping refine things and help me hone in on specifics and help me deal with doubts or give me them where I previously hadn't had them.

This is the sort of thing I am trying to open up myself to be more vulnerable about, welcoming and accepting and even asking for the feedback. But, I also don't think it's good to just randomly approach someone and effectively trauma dump someone. I don't think it's good to just dump my problems on someone who hasn't invited me to do so. Especially if that person has set a boundary of minimal communication previously.

Which means...maybe this is a mistake, but my approach here is that I need you to approach me. If you don't let me know it's okay for me to, then I won't ever know it's okay for me to. I will always have that inner conflict, fighting over "this is not okay" and "this should be done", and I will never know which is right, I just have to guess. If requiring me to be approached is a mistake, I need you to tell me it is.

I am trying my best. I take my best guesses. But I am very much imperfect. I am flawed, and I always will be. I do my best, but my best will never be as good as it can be when I'm on my own. I can become better by being helped. I am asking for that help whenever I feel it's appropriate to ask, but I can make mistakes even there. I can ask for help when I shouldn't, and I can pass on asking for help when I should ask for help.

​But at the end of the day--I am working to build a self that is healthy, while building everything around me to be better. I am ready to embrace that path. Of empathy, of joy, of positivity, of connection, of creativity, of celebration and of support. I am working overtime on my own to elevate myself to the highest capability to do that I can, and I would love to have you alongside my journey to help me get there all the better and faster.

And I promise I can and will return the favor. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but this is one I know I can. I will return the favor and do the same for you. Any thoughts you have, any vulnerabilities you want to display, any weaknesses you have, any doubts you have, any challenges you face. As long as I live, I will be there for you. I will help you, no questions asked. I will give that to you, because you deserve it.

You are loved, and appreciated, and always worthy of my presence. As long as you are willing to have me, I will have you gladly. My heart is open. I refuse to close it off. I will accept you, no matter what. My love is unconditional, and I will be there. I will listen. I will learn. I will act. I will advise. I will do, whatever it is you need me to do, and I will help you. Because you deserve it. You deserve to exist, you deserve to be happy, and I will fight my hardest to help you be happy.

​I still have so much I need to do, so much yet to accomplish, but so do you, and together we can get it done. <3

Probably won't get to it all, adhd distractions will ramble me into missing most of what I was trying to say.

I'll start by stating this is the Eve of the five-month anniversary with my fiance. I consider the eve to be just as important as the actual day, because the eve of the day we became officially an item was filled with both of us heavily dropping hints to the other and being on the verge of telling. The only reason we didn't is because it was late and we needed sleep and confessing just before bed would be bad timing, so I confessed the next morning, beating my love to the confession they were planning that day as well.

So, to me, the fifteenth and the sixteenth both are worthy, with the fifteenth the Eve, a prelude, and the sixteenth the celebration proper. I am with the love of my life, and nothing will ever separate me from them. Including apparently plans to go to a different continent, as my reason to go without them was removed. (I should blog about that, yet shouldn't blog about that. Ah, it's...complicated. Like most things in the last month are.)

Today started off as a 2/10 mental day. I was bad. Not quite suicidal bad (hopefully, those days are behind me), but bad all the same. I was bad enough that I knew I needed to talk to my fiance about it. I aired my thoughts out, why I was so depressed, why I am in so much pain today, why I'm hurting (short answer is because I know others will be hurt, too), and lamenting an extreme loss and the overwhelming sadness and hurt and pain and isolation and loneliness to have come from the ordeal.

They helped reassure me by reinforcing a thought I had previously had. Basically, "the mistakes of others are theirs to make--you might know they're going to make a painful mistake they regret for their lives, but it's theirs to make and you can do nothing about it". Which was also reinforced by a friend, too. I shouldn't really elaborate on a blog about the thought but will happily do so in private to almost anyone, although I promise this is a thought very unlikely to cause harm, it's just not something I want to blog publicly about.

My blogs do redact personal info when I feel it's TMI. My definition might differ, but I do respect the boundaries of people as much as I can--namely that I shouldn't be sharing too much about their lives, particularly when I am or was their friend (depending on the people). You probably get the idea. I won't share too much, but what I have shared, I feel is safe to share as it's generic and not too specific. It touches into the main focus of me right now, but that's it.

​Speaking of my blog though; I've been going through the wix mirror and trying to get it up to date. I'm through December, but still have to get through January, too. (And for my wix audience, this is where you're likely to find entries when I'm slacking on keeping the mirror up to date.)

I have a lot of tags on the wix mirror which I don't have on the main blog. Some of them, I might not have up to date because I only thought of them today. For instance, I probably was suicidal prior to the 26th, between the 6th and 26th, but because I wasn't willing to tag it with the tag suicidal, I only started then. A few tags might not be seeing as much use as they should've, like the sorry tag, and many others. But tags like the apology tag should be mostly accurate, if perhaps liberally used.

As it turns out, I have a great need to apologize, so I have a mighty need to talk about it extensively and constantly.

I probably should go through all of the tags listed and all of them to make sure that those who would wish to navigate my blog would know where I've been for the last month.

But like...I do have only a finite amount of energy for the task and other things to do.

I also don't have the mental capacity for too much.

A lot of reading my past blogs does renew my feelings from the time, reminding me of what went on and why I was in so much pain...and that's not a good thing.

I do need to apologize, I am a mess. I'm too scatterbrained to do any good right now. But like...I dunno. There's a lot going on. I'm sorry, I don't have much to say.

I just...well. I feel like I'm behind in life, and I'm trying to pick myself up.

I'm trying to not be garbage, but I'm probably just making new mistakes.

I'm probably still going to be hurtful, even though I am trying to do the exact opposite.

I dunno.

Life's just going right now.

I have a lot of love to give the world.

A lot to my fiance, to be sure. But my heart is big enough to give my love to the world too.

I just want to give it all.

I know that I can do a lot of good--today I made someone's day by helping them with their grief. But I know I can also do a lot of harm, and I dunno.

I'm trying I guess.

I just hope people can forgive me and see that someday I guess.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I lost my plot. I lost my thoughts. I just...have no focus. I'm trying to do good. I just hope it shows. And yeah. I've been low, very low, because I justifiably feel like shit. Who wouldn't, after messing up so royally? I will carry my regrets for life and have that remorse with me for life and probably carry a permanent sense of loss and maybe even loneliness. Especially since the pain caused seems to get worse and worse with time, rather than better and better, in part because I still fuck up.

I am nothing but a messup.

​I just hope I can mess up in ways productive rather than destructive I guess.

Weebly logged me out of my desktop and since my fiance and I are both suffering gurgly groans, we're at home rather than family night, meaning I can actually do a desktop blog. That allowed me to review when my page views spiked. I hadn't been blogging for three months. My last blog was on November 3rd, but I got a spike in views around December 4th - 6th. Since I wasn't blogging in that time, something caused a sudden rush to my blog in that time.

At that time, on December 3rd, I announced my engagement in every discord I'm in, and on December 4th in nearly every discord, shared we had also gotten an apartment. But that was it. I had, privately, been wanting to get back into blogging. Mentally, I went, "after we have a place and have internet, I'm going to resume blogging and share all the life updates". But in that timeframe, something drove people here, a place nobody ever bothers to view.

My own fiance knows I have a blog, but doesn't read it.
My previous partner/good friend knew I had a blog, but rarely if ever read it.
I know my page views per day, especially when active. One page view per day is the average--aka, the page view automatically made by me when generating my blog post.

So like...a small part of myself is wondering if someone had the malice to deliberately go out of their way to show me at my worst as I was celebrating me at my best. But I would certainly hope not. Nobody actually reads my blog, except apparently the very worst which was something people were pointed to, so clearly someone did do it--yet I would certainly hope whatever motivated them to go here at that time was not malice.

After all...I have done great harm. I did write some very bad things. There were implications there--inaccurate implications, implications which if I explained, people would understand what I wrote was worse than what actually happened, but implications nonetheless. I did say some very harmful things. The things I said, I didn't believe. They were fueled by negative emotions chiefly anger and channeling my intrusive thoughts combined with imposter syndrome. But I still made the choice to say them. Regardless of my intention, regardless of how untrue they were, I still said them and reading them still caused harm to those who did.

I always had the best of intentions. When I said the harmful things I did, I genuinely thought that me saying them was for the best--I genuinely thought me saying them would help. I legitimately believed it was going to make things better if I aired them out. But I was wrong. My intentions don't matter--the only thing that matters is the harm I caused.

I was in the wrong. I was stupid. I regret what I did. I regret what I said. But I did it, I said it, and I will have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. I made a series of mistakes. Very little good came of it. The only thing keeping me from saying nothing good came from it is that my actions literally saved the life of my friend, and said friend is now my fiance. But, that outcome was still possible without me having caused as much harm as I did, and that little bit of light doesn't remove the massive darkness of my actions.

I do have a very extensive notes section in my secret blog, where I have written hundreds of pages about that period in my life. I've had time to reflect and change my stances and opinions and to look back at things in hindsight. I now condemn myself for everything I did. I was almost entirely in the wrong. (Almost, because I can never accept letting my friend-now-fiance die would be acceptable. Any course which would've caused their death is fundamentally wrong because my friend-now-fiance doesn't deserve to die. On that one point, I can never be wrong. But on literally everything else, I was in the wrong.)

I condemn the wrongdoing done, and I condone the actions of those who acted against both myself and my fiance. They were right to have done what they did. I was in the wrong to do everything I did. What I said was harmful. What I did was harmful. I was in the wrong, they were in the right.

But since then, I have changed, and I have grown. I have identified where I went wrong, how I ignored the warning signs. I have seen my wrongdoings and been horrified by them. I have learned to see things from the perspectives, and to understand their viewpoints. I have come to see how my actions reflect in their eyes, and how they would see me, and I know how bad that view of me would be.

Especially since we have been trained to see only the worst in people--I'd know. Seeing the worst in people is literally what led me astray and got me in trouble in the first place. I was seeing only the negative and thinking things were worse than they were, which led me to a path that was itself going to make things worse due to the harm involved. And this was with some of my closest friends. So if we could get in to a negative feedback loop, seeing less and less of the good and more and more of the bad, then I know others will, too. And have me as the one seen in that negative light.

And it's justified. I am guilty. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could take it back. How guilty I am depends on how you frame it. You can frame it in ways much worse than it is, or frame it in ways which downplay it, but regardless of how guilty I am from the framing, it's unambiguous I am guilty. So I deserve to be seen negatively for my guilt. I regret it. I wish I could undo it. God, how much I wish I could take it all back. But I can't, so I will have to live with it the rest of my life. My guilt will haunt me forever, and it's deserved. Remorse is not enough to make up for past harm. Actions have consequences, the consequences of mine warrant punishment for the harm I inflicted.

All I can really do is try my best to atone. The harm cannot be undone. The hurt done can never be undone. Some bridges will be burnt with no way to ever be rebuilt--and I will need to respect that. I will need to not cause further harm by trying to rebuild a bridge which should remain broken. Yet, I still can try to make amends where I can. I...honestly don't know how. How do I heal? How do I help? I only know how to hurt, I don't know how to mend.

I am always afraid my actions will make things worse. Like, I know how to help others when I'm not the one who caused the pain. That's easy! I just be me and give them advice and give them someone to hear them and support them. But...how do I heal people when I am the one who caused their pain, their harm, in the first place? That, I don't know.

Still, I will do whatever I can. I'll try the best I can. And in terms of atonement, that can be done just by being me and doing what I have learned to do--be more empathetic, and see what they are going through, and help them. Uplift them. Be a voice of kindness and joy. Make them laugh, be positive, help them see the best, give them direction, etc. All of that, I am getting better at doing.

And that's who I am. When being honest with myself, that's what I am. Like, what I am is something nobody knows. Not myself, not anyone else. It largely depends on the eye of the beholder. Every perspective is valid. And there are those who think badly of me--they are valid, because to them that is what I am. But overall, despite me being that to those people, overall, I am better at being good than ever before.

There are more and more people who value my presence in their life. There are more and more people who I help. There are more and more people who appreciate me on some level. I don't like to brag or be arrogant or think too highly of myself. I fear the return of my peak arrogance which led to an unhealthy toxic narcissistic phase of my life. So I have to take caution about thinking I am great. I'm human after all, I'm flawed and imperfect. Yet, I still hold some value.

I should never brag about doing good because bragging about doing good means I'm not really doing good--but I think it's at least okay, in this blog setting, when talking about myself and my value, to say I do good at doing good. Not perfectly. Not as good as I want to. But, still a decent job. I am more defined by the good I do than by the bad which follows.

I don't want to ever pretend the bad isn't there--it's there, and it's very bad. The bad is very bad. But, the bad is overall outweighed by the good, when I stop to acknowledge it. I should never let the good justify the bad. The bad was never okay. The bad is not removed or covered up by the good. Yet, I am not defined by the good.

I'm defined by both the bad and the good, and of the two--the good is overall much, much stronger a force in my day to day life.

To put that into perspective, I have failed about 30 times in my life rather catastrophically. That's about one failure per year. It means 364 days, I do nothing but good, or at least okay. It's only 1/365 days which have gone horribly wrong with me having made egregious mistakes. That level of harm is still too high. But, it's not like every day I am failing as a human being in some monstrously hideous way.

I don't want to talk too much about how good I am or how the bad wasn't that bad. That's toxic behavior. So, I don't know how to really convey what I'm trying to get across. Basically, that the bad exists but is not all there is to me, that I am still by and large always who I have been, someone trying to do the right thing, trying to do good. I've had catastrophic failures, making disastrous mistakes. This year has had no less than eight of the thirty or so.

Yet, every time I mess up, I learn what I did was wrong, and adjust course. I do need to learn how to apologize, how to say sorry. It's not a skill I know.

Like, I say, "I'm sorry" all the time to people to express my sympathy, or even empathy.
How do I convey "I'm sorry" as not being that, but rather, me being genuinely legitimately remorseful, regretful, and agonizing over the pain I caused?

I always ruin it by being too verbose.

I always try to make sure my intention comes across, that I convey that I well and truly mean it, that I am well and truly sorry.

But I never can.

I don't know how to--it's not a skill I ever learned.

After all, if I only need to give it once every 365 days or so, it's a skill I wouldn't practice on those other 364 days when it's not needed. I only practice via saying the 'sorry' as expressing sympathy/empathy. I never can practice for being sorry for genuine regret/remorse, because that's something that you can only do when genuinely remorseful. And obviously, that's something you don't WANT to have 'practice' at, because the more practice you have at that, the more wrongdoing you have to have done.

If I am well-versed in how to say a remorseful sorry, it means I am well-versed in causing harm that warrants being remorseful. I don't want to ever be so well-versed in mistakes I can pull that off.

So...instead, I just...suck at it.

​I don't know what to do. I am trying. I want to heal things. And I know I can do better.

I know I messed up. I know my past mistakes warranted consequences, and that my past mistakes were very harmful. They were mistakes. They hurt people badly. So I deserve to have people think negatively of me. But I don't want that negativity to define me. I don't want to become nothing but a beacon of toxicity, of badness, of harm. I know I can't control how others perceive me--but I know that negative perceptions of me bring negative emotions, and I don't want them to suffer like that.

I don't want to be the cause of any pain or harm.

I want to be the cause of joy and positivity.

I am mostly good at it.

Not good enough, but getting better with time.

I know people believed I posed enough of a threat to warrant being removed from places. And, if no malice was involved in the reporting of the worst of my blog, then whoever brought it to others thought my stances and actions were worthy of reporting and wanted to sound the alarm and make places safer by removing me from them. And they are valid for it. They are justified for it. They are not in the wrong. Their perspective is valid, and the truth from their view and their stances. I can never disagree with them on their takes. They're right, at least right enough. Because of my guilty, my past actions I now condemn, seeing me that way is warranted.

Yet as warranted as it is...I know that longterm, that mindset is destructive. That mindset is literally how I got into a self-destructive mindset earlier this year. That mindset of condemnation is what I was doing, and it hurt everyone including myself badly. So, I know from firsthand experience how thinking negatively of someone, even if justified, harbors negativity and breeds negative emotions that bring further harm. The harm festers and causes longlasting pain and damage that never heals, because of that view.

So...it's not so much that I don't want people to think badly of me, as much as it is, I know people thinking badly of me is going to probably make their lives worse in the longrun. While I'm far from a paragon of virtues, I'm also not an evil bitch. I'm just an average human. An empath. I feel the feelings of others, see their experiences, and work to uplift them, and I'm pretty good at it! So having a person like that, a person like me, demonized by them means they are likely going to be demonizing other good people, people who are just people. And that is a pattern that is destructive and harmful.

I just want to help people see the best in the world. To see the positive. To see that most humans are good, even if their values and experiences differ. To see how most people are not worth condemning. To see how anger, hatred, doom and gloom, naysaying, and negativity are not conductive to them or to building a better world. To see how seeing the brighter in life allows them to see the brightest in themselves as well as in others and to do better in life and be better towards others.

Obviously, some differences are irreconcilable. I know that at least one bridge, even if I can help partially heal it can never be rebuilt due to a fundamental difference in opinion that cannot be overcome. And even if differences can be overcome in theory, often it's not worth it. And, often, the best thing to do is to cut people out who are not helping, because a level of selfishness is warranted. And, you get the idea. People can sometimes both be individually good yet be bad together; recognizing that isn't a bad thing and is in fact healthy.

But, I want to, just through my existence, slowly, gradually, be helping others.

The world is a beautiful place. People are beautiful and wonderful. Most humans are absolutely great. Just trying their best. And that includes any who would read this.

I'm quite sure nobody reads my blogs. Even if they did, they wouldn't read this one. It's too long, too rambley, and the start is probably a turnoff from reading the entirety. But, in the off chance you did, all I can really say is, Thank You.

You are better than you realize. You are worth more than you know. You make a bigger difference than you will ever realize. You make waves which affect others. Your ripples leave a positive impact. You are appreciated, and I love you. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are great.

I know I'm not as good as I need to be. I know I need to do better. I know there's a lot to improve. But I also know that the world can heal with time, and that no matter the mistakes you have made, you can help it do exactly that by just being you and helping people as you. That's what I am trying to do, so you can definitely succeed at it, too.

Love you, and wish you the best.

And well and truly:
Thank you.
​For everything.

If that or anything similar is a thought you have, I'll let you in on a secret:
We don't know what to think about ourselves, either.
Are we a monster?
Are we a good person?
Were we a monster that is now a good person?
Are we both?
Are we neither?
We don't know.

In general, it's hard to get a lock on us because we have no lock on ourselves. People tend to see only small parts of us, but even when they see almost everything, we're baffling. Source, we see everything about us and are still clueless. Our mind is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same about us. Our values, our principles, our philosophies, our feelings, our interests, we're constantly someone different, and yet, still feel like the same to an external view.

We don't seem like a different person, yet we do seem like a different person, all at the same time. So, what's real?

We don't know. Is it all real? Is none of it real? Both? Mixture? We've tried to figure it out our whole lives.

But, maybe this brief rundown will help people.

We are plural, a median system. What that means is that we are all Bree, but also have individuality beyond being Bree.
Bree is a collective of all of us, and that collective shifts over time. Some on its own, mostly with the input of us. So, Bree as you know her has changed constantly as we change. It genuinely can take a single daydream of hers to cause a lifetime shift in philosophy, for instance, because if that daydream spawned a facet whose ideas are influential, it spreads.

We have ADHD, so we constantly shift areas of focus and expertise.

Specific facets were designed for specific tasks. Blog writing, for instance, is different from mafia, is different from other-mafia, is different from twitch, is different from discord, is different from other-discord, is different from life, etc. You get the idea. So a facet interacting can be entirely different from a different facet interacting.

We have bipolar disorder, and numerous anxieties, including imposter syndrome.

We are also autistic. We have an extreme sense of empathy, naturally attuned to the emotions of others, but also weirdly blind to them at the same time.

There's more, but these are the relevant ones for the rundown.

We have been a troubled person since the age of 14. We were monstrous, even sociopathic, from about the age of 14-17.
We were narcissistic from the age of about 16-19.

Between the two, I was very bad. I knew there was something wrong with me, or wrong with the world (spoiler alert, we're trans!), but I lashed out. And I thought I owned the world. I thought I was entitled. I thought I was able to get away with almost anything, and I was not going to face consequences.

I deliberately keep the details of my wrongdoings vague on my blog, but vivid in my dreams. I don't want this space to be a space of harm, a space which hurts, a space which causes damage and ruins lives. But I was bad. Very bad.

And then I got better. I grew a conscience. Or rather, my 13 year old conscience resurfaced. I've been kind and empathetic my whole life, but it first got twisted into something monstrous at the age of 14-19.

Which launched an endless cycle.

I learned from the mistake. I was horrified by it. Mortified by it. I swore to never again be that person. I worked to atone. From my own dark history, I became a better person in helping others. I knew I had caused harm, and my way of making up for it was to heal others, help others.

And then, something causes the dark side of me to resurface. So I hurt them, the very people who were endeared to me, the very people I swore to help, and the hurt was deeper than the earlier hurt because when you have been good to people and suddenly aren't, the pain, the hurt, is much worse than if you were a relative stranger, as it was the first time.

So I learn from the mistake. I'm horrified. I'm mortified. I want to do better. And I do. I learn. The past mistakes build off of each other and make me an even better person, meaning I am better at helping people. I work extra hard to atone for my sins, and try to redeem myself. And then I do the same thing. I'm even better at helping people than before, so when I end up screwing up and hurting them, the hurt is deeper than the last time.

That's been going on for at least ten years. maybe 15.

I am always a screwup. I always mess up. My dark side never truly goes away. It's always there, always a threat, always something which terrifies me. My past is continuously mortifying, horrifying me with how monstrous I am, increasing my fear. My imposter syndrome combined with my depression tells me I am just manipulating people, just using them, that I am a monster and always will be. But at the same time, I fight against the destructive harmful urges and try to be the beacon of positivity and niceness I know I am at my best.

A few months ago, I had my latest bout with darkness. I was stupid. I was not okay. I was in a bad mental state. I was emotionally compromised. And in this state of darkness, I made a horrible mistake. I did terrible things, said horrific things. I was a monster. And I became even more scared of my past self, from having seen the damage I could cause. Perhaps it's arrogance combined with imposter syndrome, but I genuinely think I at my worst am capable of ruining lifelong relationships. I know what strings I can pull. And that horrifies me. That is not a good thing. It's a terrible, horrific, mortifying thing.

So...I need to not do it.

I thought I was on the path to doing better, perhaps forever. I've 30 years of experience to learn from my mistakes, to hopefully never make a harmful one again. But it still follows me. It will never go away. Any and all of my past sins are still there. They're in me as a risk to resurface, as well as in my past and there for any who dare venture there to discover and be horrified by.

I can do so much bad,

But I want to do only good. I'm tired of doing harm. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing pain. But I can never promise I won't, because every past time I thought was the last and spoiler alert, it wasn't. I don't want to be a bad person though. I want to be a good person. I want to help people. I want to uplift them.

In the last few months, we've gotten very good at this, in part because of our failure a few months ago. I've learned to accept their perspective, even if it's different than mine. I've learned to be more accepting of their choices and decisions, even if I am saddened by them. I've learned to understand where they are coming from. I've learned to view things from their perspective. I've learned to see their emotions and understand their pain, their suffering. And I've learned how to approach them better.

The pathetic sad dark side of me calls that manipulation training. I've been manipulating people since I was 13, due to playing mafia. (It's a necessity for the informed minority, and still useful for the uninformed majority.) But the more hopeful idealistic side of me points out that you can view things in more than one light. At its worst it would be--at its best? It's the exact place to be to promote healing and growth. Those are the skills needed to help uplift people.

And I've a good track record of having done so. I know how to target my humor to an individual and make it land. I know how to support them. I remember info about them to help give them advice. I know how to make them feel more optimistic. I know how to steer them in a more positive direction. I know how to avoid toxic positivity--sometimes, people don't want or need advice, but rather, just need a vent. I know how to recognize it, and to differentiate between the two.

And I just want to perfect that art, Of helping, not hurting.

Still.

I know what I want doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Intention matters not in the face of what others perceive.

Some people perceive only my worst side, and think me a monster. They're valid.
Some people perceive only my best side, and think me an angel. They're valid, even if my perspective is that's naive and foolish of them to not know I'm far too flawed for that title.
Some people see almost all of me, and still think I'm a good person. I thank them, and this is what I will always strive for.
But some people see almost all of me, and are mortified, terrified, horrified, and badly hurt by it. And they are valid, too. They are right, and this is how I mostly see myself. There's more good than bad to me, but the bad is made worse by the good being so prominent.

I've tried to figure out what's me by looking at myself through the eyes of others, and looking at their perception of me. If I'm to be the empathetic person I strive to be, then seeing what they see, understanding it, and accepting it is important. But, there's no clear answer because I'm not clearly anything.

Except a mess.
A hot mess.

So...I guess, when you walk away, you can see me however you want to. Don't be afraid to let me know, even if it's not a flattering take. I hate myself often. I hate what I've done. I live with my regrets. I will be haunted by what I've done my whole life. I've done monstrous things, made worse by how I've done good things, but I still want to do good. I want to atone for all the bad. I will regret it my whole life, but nothing I've done can be undone.

My actions have consequences. I know that. So whatever consequences you think are worthy of my actions can and should be done.

I only hope that when all is said and done, I still have a path to make a positive difference in the world.

​Because I do truly love it, and all the people within.

Yesterday was rather productive, but I didn't have time to do literally everything I set out to do. I had to pick and choose near the end what to focus on, and it wasn't on blogging.

Today? Today's been a waste. I went to pick up my medication, and...
...And that was it, I legit did nothing else of note.

Unless you count spending more time on twitter engaging in conversation which doesn't actually convince anyone to do any good and blocking a small percentage of people of which there are countless more. (I could never block them all.) Which I consider to be a waste of time. I do it because I am mentally unwell. I am severely depressed, I go onto twitter when depressed. (Twitter doesn't make my depression worse but it likely is adding stress.)

Twitter is a useful tool for, if properly cultivating things, becoming informed. Once you figure out the signs of people spreading things which you can ignore and block, what's left is legit informative. I sometimes lack context in things, but most of the time, I can actually become educated. If not instantly, than with time. (I struggle with non-US issues, generally speaking, but I'm slowly learning.)

Still though. Not a good place to be. Really really not a good place to engage. Activism might be valuable, but my words aren't gonna do much of anything there. Those I talk to, I'm either preaching to the choir or preaching to bad faith actors with no intent to change their bigoted ways. In either case, I make little to no difference, so my time would just be better spent...

...Literally anywhere else.

I should be working on things.

Maybe on internally looking at our plurality (we were close to identifying another voice, because we got a name--Minerva--and knew she was active, but instead of finding her voice we let it go).
Definitely should've showered.
Probably should've napped properly.
I'm not taking care of myself across the board.

Picking up my meds was nice, but that's all I did, and it was because I have no choice but to.

​I have more notes to write for farn, and I've done none of them.
I haven't kept up on discord, either.

So like.

I should be doing more.

​I'm not doing well.