Yesterday was rather productive, but I didn't have time to do literally everything I set out to do. I had to pick and choose near the end what to focus on, and it wasn't on blogging.

Today? Today's been a waste. I went to pick up my medication, and...
...And that was it, I legit did nothing else of note.

Unless you count spending more time on twitter engaging in conversation which doesn't actually convince anyone to do any good and blocking a small percentage of people of which there are countless more. (I could never block them all.) Which I consider to be a waste of time. I do it because I am mentally unwell. I am severely depressed, I go onto twitter when depressed. (Twitter doesn't make my depression worse but it likely is adding stress.)

Twitter is a useful tool for, if properly cultivating things, becoming informed. Once you figure out the signs of people spreading things which you can ignore and block, what's left is legit informative. I sometimes lack context in things, but most of the time, I can actually become educated. If not instantly, than with time. (I struggle with non-US issues, generally speaking, but I'm slowly learning.)

Still though. Not a good place to be. Really really not a good place to engage. Activism might be valuable, but my words aren't gonna do much of anything there. Those I talk to, I'm either preaching to the choir or preaching to bad faith actors with no intent to change their bigoted ways. In either case, I make little to no difference, so my time would just be better spent...

...Literally anywhere else.

I should be working on things.

Maybe on internally looking at our plurality (we were close to identifying another voice, because we got a name--Minerva--and knew she was active, but instead of finding her voice we let it go).
Definitely should've showered.
Probably should've napped properly.
I'm not taking care of myself across the board.

Picking up my meds was nice, but that's all I did, and it was because I have no choice but to.

​I have more notes to write for farn, and I've done none of them.
I haven't kept up on discord, either.

So like.

I should be doing more.

​I'm not doing well.

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

We were up to 10:30 am yesterday, it's 7 am today.
We streamed more TFT in spite of not quite feeling it, under the belief we could maybe promote, and then ended up lower than we started.
But honestly, stupid as it sounds, the real tilting thing is the riot games client, after a game of tft finishes. They give an absurdly long wait time on the 'waiting for stats' menu, and if you skip that, you're booted out of the lobby, and if you're too fast to get back in, you're kicked from the party. (A party of one.) Causing delay after delay. (There's also no way to turn off the special executes that can't be skipped which also can delay things further.)

When I have a match end I want to be into the next immediately.

Bug I digress.

Point is, poor time management. We have it. We did a useless stream rather than a productive stream on, say, our novel.

Which has work we still have yet to do on it.

Like, the thing we want to do is quite literally just looking up terms and--*adhd kicked in and now different rant*
...And now instead of having done it, we learned why we didn't because instead of just two names to look up, we have like ten.

And it's now 8 am...

​Bed. Now. If we had thoughts, gone.

And the answer to that is quite simple: internet issues, into computer issues.
I had not one but TWO days with 12+ hour outages to the internet.
And last night, my computer bluescreened on me. (In the middle of a stream. During a ranked game of tft.)

Suffice to say, been quite frustrated recently. I've been through a lot of struggles right now.

Currently, we're snowed in, which is a big issue since I only have one day of medication left. (Maybe two? Would need to track down the remnants of one that I think I have still in the old storage location.) And we're still sick. And it's cold. Very cold.

So having an inability to use my desktop for any reason. No power. No internet. Computer bluescreening. It's infuriating. I live my life online. Which is, explicitly, not a bad thing. Neurotypicals consider it such, but to someone as neurodivergent as we are, as isolated as we are, the internet is a literal life-saver. We need it to survive. We thrive on the internet.

So being denied that for any reason is just--it's frustration beyond frustration, since it shouldn't have any reason to happen and it is super duper mega big of an impact on someone like us.

​But, anyway, we're back to normal now. We're currently bored out of our minds right now, tho. (Which is why we are actually making a blog before midnight. xD) The reason for that is that we are busy doing necessary content creation work, which leaves us unable to do anything really fun. We burned through the entirety of our buffer for vods so we need to start uploading them again. But those vods take a ton of processing power. Like, a ton a ton. So we can't really do much else while uploading vods.

We need to build up the buffer again (ideally to 65 but 62 will give us at least a few days), which means spending the whole day effectively doing nothing but uploads.

Simultaneously, we're going through our five and a half hour stream from last night, to clip moments from it. (Clipping clippable moments is something we're trying to do more so that we have more content to show off.) Which is a grind. We're doing nothing but listen to ourself and our content. And uploading. And nothing to break up the monotony. No games, no watching of content, nothing. All focus on the task at hand. We're only 3 hours into the vod and only on the 60th video. (For the record, 58 is tomorrow's video pretty sure. 59 needs editing so can't be uploaded yet and thus skips a day. But like. That's basically no buffer at all.)

Granted, last night's stream was only our seventy-fifth stream. So we're getting nearly caught up. But we still gotta get the process fluently rolling, moving, to be more automatic. Ideally, vods would be uploaded the day after a stream and we'd be streaming most days. All of it is necessary. But all of it is a grind. And it's not fun.

We want to be doing other things. ADHD is incredibly overwhelming. The urge to do something, anything, is so strong. And being unable to is just...so...maddening. The presence of nothing has always been my worst nightmare so being left with nothing but myself has left us feeling bored out of our minds and basically just...struggling hardcore. We want to do something, anything, else. But there's nothing we can do. We only have the task at hand.

Needs to be done tho!

I feel like we can actually succeed at our goals--if we keep at them. So gotta keep networking, gotta keep expanding, gotta keep doing what we are doing so that we can do what we are setting out to do. We are aiming to build a communitBree. So we need to actually do the work needed.

Which innately requires me to cut corners, so my blog for today will just be us copy-pasting our twitter posts and removing the hashtags.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but you're gonna see why:

​ME: "Okay, we're sick, and we feel tired, and it's VERY cold. So we have a choice: we can stream like we're scheduled to, or go to bed and get rest."
OUR ADHD: "How about we do neither, and instead, hyperfixate on reading stuff and do none of the work we were planning on?"
(:

As a reminder, ADHD is a disability. It is literally debilitating and actually destructive quite often.

Now, mind you. Not disastrous. We can still rest for a sufficiently long period of time. So all that was lost was an entire day of doing literally anything. Which, well--that ain't nothing; that actually IS a big loss. But compared to what people tend to think of when you think of losses, it's paltry, it's trivial, it's arguably petty to focus on.

So like. It's a huge deal because it was a loss of an entire day due to a single hyperfixation.
But it's also not a huge deal because it didn't do anything worse, if that makes sense.

Still tho.
Gotta note it in my blog regardless.

We're missing out on doing so. many. thingsssss. We need to do better.
(Also fun fact we didn't have an ADHD tag on weebly until just now, that means we need to add it to every place it's mentioned when we actually go through our blog and manually update it and also transcribe it to the wix mirror. Another thing we wanted to do but ADHD got in the way of tbh.)