Weebly did its biweekly logout of me again so I got to check my stats semiunwillingly again. From the looks of things it's potentially possible I'm getting maybe one or two viewers, for whatever reason, but I doubt it. If I did, then thank you. I mean it. I never have anyone read what I write so it means a lot to me that you do.
I feel like I should mention this though. No, I don't willingly or obsessively track those stats. I basically just have them thrust upon me whenever I'm logged off and come back in. And you remain anonymous. I can't see any info about who did. I just unwillingly see it once every two weeks, and because nobody views my blog, if there's anything suggesting someone might have, it stands out.
Basically, because nobody cares enough to read what I do, if someone does, it leaves a ping, and that ping is something I'll see once every two weeks when I log back in to weebly. If my viewership weren't consistently zero, even if it were just consistently one or two, I wouldn't see anything; if weebly didn't log me out and put the stats screen there when I log in, I wouldn't see anything. It's only because I know nobody reads my blog from said stats that someone reading my blog stands out.
Given how things played out in December, that does always give me some paranoia of "oh no...what did I say wrong this time", wondering if I'm handing material to people to justify canceling me. But while that fear may be justified given it has probably permanently cost me the closest friendships in my life and left me with a lasting hole in my heart that will likely never heal...
...at the end of the day, I know most likely, any viewers wouldn't be here to see the bad. Not anymore. That ship sailed. That happened in December. Now, there's only those who are around for other reasons. So I should be quelling that paranoia. Instead of panicking and going "oh no...what did I do now??? Can't I just, for once, stop messing up???", I should be shifting to what is more likely:
Someone actually looked at my blog and by some miracle, thought I was worth listening to.
Like...it's just words. Boring words. Longwinded words. Inefficiently structured words. Surely it's boring to go through. And I do see that in the pages viewed, I only get two pages per visit viewed at most. So like...I know people don't stay for long, but it's possible they're staying just long enough to see it, and probably go, "meh", but if not, if interested, then I should have a different response.
I know I'm probably a bore. I know that the reactions are likely "meh" or "this is neat, but I don't have the time to go through it all rn", but there's a different attitude I should be taking, and that is:
Thank You.
Thank you for coming by.
Thank you for showing interest, even if you end up not sticking around.
Thank you for giving me a chance, no matter how brief.
Thank you for visiting.
Thank you for checking me out.
Thank you for finding me interesting enough to check out my blog.
I'm sorry it's not better.
I'm sorry I'm not doing more than I do.
I'm sorry there's nothing more interesting than this. It is just my random thoughts for the day.
But like...it still matters. You matter. You came here and that means something piqued your interest to go out of your way to find me here and see what I'm about.
As it turns out what I'm about is going on longwinded rambles that bore people and leave people unable to read it all. Nobody can get through my blog. Nobody, not even me. I can't go through my blog, how could anyone else? I'm just that longwinded, I'm just that boring, I'm just that hard to read. But like--you still tried, for however brief a period, and that matters.
I know nobody will get to this section of this particular blog post. You'd have to somehow see this entry and see this middle section buried by the start and buried by the stuff after. But like--you still gave it your best, and that means a lot. You mean a lot. You are valuable. You do good work. You do good things.
You are good, and thank you for giving me a chance.
I do hope I can be worthy of it.
And I can say that I am going to strive to be worthy of that chance.
I'm trying to go on my own journey of growth. I've already grown a lot, but I've room to go yet. On a spiritual level and on an inner understanding of my system level, I still have a lot to learn. I know I'm strongly spiritually and have an immense spiritual attunement particularly surrounding Seleste, but running throughout all of me even those not involved in the spiritual.
I know I am not the know-it-all expert on the spiritual. I have developed what I feel are some pretty good personal beliefs about the spiritual (beliefs I've meant to share for years, and which continue to evolve and grow and be refined), but they're personal and I know better than to assume my beliefs are in the right. I know spirituality is at its root about connecting, connecting to people, connecting to the world, connecting on a higher level, etc.
I know that every person has a self which is important, and that ideally the self is in balance with connecting to others. Neither too much focus on the self without connecting to the grander world, nor too much to try and sabotage the self in favor of the grander world. Ideally in balance, with both the self and the world existing in equal importance, loosely speaking.
I'm still figuring out how to attain that balance myself. I know I am capable of doing a lot more good than I am, but I also know I need to be taking much better care of myself, too. I need to figure out how to balance the two, to make myself be healthy and have the spare energy for others to help them and make the world a better place for it.
I still think, though, that I am ready to grow into my role. As a guide, as a teacher, as a friend, as a voice of reassurance, as someone who can provide perspective and be a presence, just a presence, helping and being uplifting. Bringing that joy and positivity to others who have a desperate need of it.
I know my takes are not going to be perfect, nor are they always going to be welcome. So I always need to approach with the level of caution of saying as much, basically. I need to make sure I am okay to share my current perspective. But in spaces where it is acceptable, to people where they are open to it, I will share with them my view.
I am ready to let go of that bitterness. I am ready to let go of that hatred. I'm ready to let go of judging others by forced arbitrary standards. I'm ready to let go of condemning people for not being perfect. I'm ready to let go of anger. I am ready to forgive myself. I am ready to let go of self-loathing. I am ready to accept myself as I am, and the world as it is. To accept people as they are.
I know I can do it. That path of least harm and most good is something I've sought and struggled with. I still will struggle with it. I don't know what to do often. I don't know what the right thing is, if there even is one. There's something in particular I struggle with. Like, do I share the names of those involved in the mistake or don't I, do I share what happened or don't I, etc. I don't know if it's good to share or not. But, I am still going to try to do it.
On my own, I guarantee I will make mistakes. If by some miracle someone reads this and is upset I didn't do something they think I should have, or did something I shouldn't have, then all I can really ask of them is: please help me do better, then. I make fewer mistakes when I have the freedom to bounce the idea off of someone involved in the area I am struggling in.
I will do the best I can on my own. I work to better myself. I give everything I do so much thought--more than anyone will ever know. The mind of an AuDHD plural person is capable of doing in 24 hours what would take most 72+ to do. I can give things ten times more thought in half the level of time, and I do. I reflect. I consider. I approach from various angles and perspectives. I try to connect with my higher self, listen to my instincts, and follow the path of greatest good and least harm.
I try not to limit myself arbitrarily to invented concepts. I try to respect others and do the best thing by them. I try to do the right thing, always. But I am human, and I can never get it right all the time, least of all on my own. I am trying to open myself up to others. I am showing my vulnerabilities more, within the settings where it's acceptable to do so, and I'm trying my best to leave myself in a place where you can talk to me at any time.
My DMs are open on every platform at all times, especially discord.
I'm one chat away from being reached at any time.
I might make mistakes in terms of my understanding of boundaries. I constantly worry about one in particular. Every time I interact I'm wondering if I did too much and crossed the line; every time I don't interact, I worry I'm doing too little and not doing enough. For instance, someone set a boundary of not communicating with me but I know their birthday and wanted to wish them a good birthday. I'm opting for not wishing them because of not communicating, but that could be a mistake.
And I simply don't know, and there's no real way for me to really get good clarity here. I don't want to cross a boundary by asking too many questions about the boundaries, and I don't even know what to ask or what to really say. I don't know how to approach and get the clarity, so on my own, I'm just trying my best to do the right thing and I'm sure I'm making wrong calls on a lot of the specifics.
I'm really happy for my friends who have a lot of good going on, and really sad for my friends who have bad things happening, and I wish all of them the best, I really do, I want to give support to them all, I want to reassure the friends who have the bad and congratulate the friends who have the good, but I don't know what I am and am not allowed to say to them. They deserve the love and adoration I have for them all, but I know many probably don't want it from me because how I view them and how they view me is different.
I know that, I understand it, and I respect it--but I always want to do the best by them. I always want to do the right thing for them. And I'm never really sure what that is, especially on my own. A lot of these things, I'm basically alone in trying to guess. I don't know if I'm on the right track, or if I made a mistake. I only have my best guess.
So when I say please help me--that's what I mean. Please help me be better than I can be on my own. I am already trying my best on my own. If you think what I'm doing isn't enough, if you think what I'm doing is wrong, if you think what I'm doing is a mistake...then tell me, let me know, help me correct it. I try to correct myself on my own, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I can never be perfect on my own, and the more help I get, the better I can be.
Basically. I am good, but to be elevated above what I am now, I need others to help me be even better. I naturally get better with time on my own, but others can help my growth be explosive, by helping refine things and help me hone in on specifics and help me deal with doubts or give me them where I previously hadn't had them.
This is the sort of thing I am trying to open up myself to be more vulnerable about, welcoming and accepting and even asking for the feedback. But, I also don't think it's good to just randomly approach someone and effectively trauma dump someone. I don't think it's good to just dump my problems on someone who hasn't invited me to do so. Especially if that person has set a boundary of minimal communication previously.
Which means...maybe this is a mistake, but my approach here is that I need you to approach me. If you don't let me know it's okay for me to, then I won't ever know it's okay for me to. I will always have that inner conflict, fighting over "this is not okay" and "this should be done", and I will never know which is right, I just have to guess. If requiring me to be approached is a mistake, I need you to tell me it is.
I am trying my best. I take my best guesses. But I am very much imperfect. I am flawed, and I always will be. I do my best, but my best will never be as good as it can be when I'm on my own. I can become better by being helped. I am asking for that help whenever I feel it's appropriate to ask, but I can make mistakes even there. I can ask for help when I shouldn't, and I can pass on asking for help when I should ask for help.
But at the end of the day--I am working to build a self that is healthy, while building everything around me to be better. I am ready to embrace that path. Of empathy, of joy, of positivity, of connection, of creativity, of celebration and of support. I am working overtime on my own to elevate myself to the highest capability to do that I can, and I would love to have you alongside my journey to help me get there all the better and faster.
And I promise I can and will return the favor. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but this is one I know I can. I will return the favor and do the same for you. Any thoughts you have, any vulnerabilities you want to display, any weaknesses you have, any doubts you have, any challenges you face. As long as I live, I will be there for you. I will help you, no questions asked. I will give that to you, because you deserve it.
You are loved, and appreciated, and always worthy of my presence. As long as you are willing to have me, I will have you gladly. My heart is open. I refuse to close it off. I will accept you, no matter what. My love is unconditional, and I will be there. I will listen. I will learn. I will act. I will advise. I will do, whatever it is you need me to do, and I will help you. Because you deserve it. You deserve to exist, you deserve to be happy, and I will fight my hardest to help you be happy.
I still have so much I need to do, so much yet to accomplish, but so do you, and together we can get it done. <3
I feel like I should mention this though. No, I don't willingly or obsessively track those stats. I basically just have them thrust upon me whenever I'm logged off and come back in. And you remain anonymous. I can't see any info about who did. I just unwillingly see it once every two weeks, and because nobody views my blog, if there's anything suggesting someone might have, it stands out.
Basically, because nobody cares enough to read what I do, if someone does, it leaves a ping, and that ping is something I'll see once every two weeks when I log back in to weebly. If my viewership weren't consistently zero, even if it were just consistently one or two, I wouldn't see anything; if weebly didn't log me out and put the stats screen there when I log in, I wouldn't see anything. It's only because I know nobody reads my blog from said stats that someone reading my blog stands out.
Given how things played out in December, that does always give me some paranoia of "oh no...what did I say wrong this time", wondering if I'm handing material to people to justify canceling me. But while that fear may be justified given it has probably permanently cost me the closest friendships in my life and left me with a lasting hole in my heart that will likely never heal...
...at the end of the day, I know most likely, any viewers wouldn't be here to see the bad. Not anymore. That ship sailed. That happened in December. Now, there's only those who are around for other reasons. So I should be quelling that paranoia. Instead of panicking and going "oh no...what did I do now??? Can't I just, for once, stop messing up???", I should be shifting to what is more likely:
Someone actually looked at my blog and by some miracle, thought I was worth listening to.
Like...it's just words. Boring words. Longwinded words. Inefficiently structured words. Surely it's boring to go through. And I do see that in the pages viewed, I only get two pages per visit viewed at most. So like...I know people don't stay for long, but it's possible they're staying just long enough to see it, and probably go, "meh", but if not, if interested, then I should have a different response.
I know I'm probably a bore. I know that the reactions are likely "meh" or "this is neat, but I don't have the time to go through it all rn", but there's a different attitude I should be taking, and that is:
Thank You.
Thank you for coming by.
Thank you for showing interest, even if you end up not sticking around.
Thank you for giving me a chance, no matter how brief.
Thank you for visiting.
Thank you for checking me out.
Thank you for finding me interesting enough to check out my blog.
I'm sorry it's not better.
I'm sorry I'm not doing more than I do.
I'm sorry there's nothing more interesting than this. It is just my random thoughts for the day.
But like...it still matters. You matter. You came here and that means something piqued your interest to go out of your way to find me here and see what I'm about.
As it turns out what I'm about is going on longwinded rambles that bore people and leave people unable to read it all. Nobody can get through my blog. Nobody, not even me. I can't go through my blog, how could anyone else? I'm just that longwinded, I'm just that boring, I'm just that hard to read. But like--you still tried, for however brief a period, and that matters.
I know nobody will get to this section of this particular blog post. You'd have to somehow see this entry and see this middle section buried by the start and buried by the stuff after. But like--you still gave it your best, and that means a lot. You mean a lot. You are valuable. You do good work. You do good things.
You are good, and thank you for giving me a chance.
I do hope I can be worthy of it.
And I can say that I am going to strive to be worthy of that chance.
I'm trying to go on my own journey of growth. I've already grown a lot, but I've room to go yet. On a spiritual level and on an inner understanding of my system level, I still have a lot to learn. I know I'm strongly spiritually and have an immense spiritual attunement particularly surrounding Seleste, but running throughout all of me even those not involved in the spiritual.
I know I am not the know-it-all expert on the spiritual. I have developed what I feel are some pretty good personal beliefs about the spiritual (beliefs I've meant to share for years, and which continue to evolve and grow and be refined), but they're personal and I know better than to assume my beliefs are in the right. I know spirituality is at its root about connecting, connecting to people, connecting to the world, connecting on a higher level, etc.
I know that every person has a self which is important, and that ideally the self is in balance with connecting to others. Neither too much focus on the self without connecting to the grander world, nor too much to try and sabotage the self in favor of the grander world. Ideally in balance, with both the self and the world existing in equal importance, loosely speaking.
I'm still figuring out how to attain that balance myself. I know I am capable of doing a lot more good than I am, but I also know I need to be taking much better care of myself, too. I need to figure out how to balance the two, to make myself be healthy and have the spare energy for others to help them and make the world a better place for it.
I still think, though, that I am ready to grow into my role. As a guide, as a teacher, as a friend, as a voice of reassurance, as someone who can provide perspective and be a presence, just a presence, helping and being uplifting. Bringing that joy and positivity to others who have a desperate need of it.
I know my takes are not going to be perfect, nor are they always going to be welcome. So I always need to approach with the level of caution of saying as much, basically. I need to make sure I am okay to share my current perspective. But in spaces where it is acceptable, to people where they are open to it, I will share with them my view.
I am ready to let go of that bitterness. I am ready to let go of that hatred. I'm ready to let go of judging others by forced arbitrary standards. I'm ready to let go of condemning people for not being perfect. I'm ready to let go of anger. I am ready to forgive myself. I am ready to let go of self-loathing. I am ready to accept myself as I am, and the world as it is. To accept people as they are.
I know I can do it. That path of least harm and most good is something I've sought and struggled with. I still will struggle with it. I don't know what to do often. I don't know what the right thing is, if there even is one. There's something in particular I struggle with. Like, do I share the names of those involved in the mistake or don't I, do I share what happened or don't I, etc. I don't know if it's good to share or not. But, I am still going to try to do it.
On my own, I guarantee I will make mistakes. If by some miracle someone reads this and is upset I didn't do something they think I should have, or did something I shouldn't have, then all I can really ask of them is: please help me do better, then. I make fewer mistakes when I have the freedom to bounce the idea off of someone involved in the area I am struggling in.
I will do the best I can on my own. I work to better myself. I give everything I do so much thought--more than anyone will ever know. The mind of an AuDHD plural person is capable of doing in 24 hours what would take most 72+ to do. I can give things ten times more thought in half the level of time, and I do. I reflect. I consider. I approach from various angles and perspectives. I try to connect with my higher self, listen to my instincts, and follow the path of greatest good and least harm.
I try not to limit myself arbitrarily to invented concepts. I try to respect others and do the best thing by them. I try to do the right thing, always. But I am human, and I can never get it right all the time, least of all on my own. I am trying to open myself up to others. I am showing my vulnerabilities more, within the settings where it's acceptable to do so, and I'm trying my best to leave myself in a place where you can talk to me at any time.
My DMs are open on every platform at all times, especially discord.
I'm one chat away from being reached at any time.
I might make mistakes in terms of my understanding of boundaries. I constantly worry about one in particular. Every time I interact I'm wondering if I did too much and crossed the line; every time I don't interact, I worry I'm doing too little and not doing enough. For instance, someone set a boundary of not communicating with me but I know their birthday and wanted to wish them a good birthday. I'm opting for not wishing them because of not communicating, but that could be a mistake.
And I simply don't know, and there's no real way for me to really get good clarity here. I don't want to cross a boundary by asking too many questions about the boundaries, and I don't even know what to ask or what to really say. I don't know how to approach and get the clarity, so on my own, I'm just trying my best to do the right thing and I'm sure I'm making wrong calls on a lot of the specifics.
I'm really happy for my friends who have a lot of good going on, and really sad for my friends who have bad things happening, and I wish all of them the best, I really do, I want to give support to them all, I want to reassure the friends who have the bad and congratulate the friends who have the good, but I don't know what I am and am not allowed to say to them. They deserve the love and adoration I have for them all, but I know many probably don't want it from me because how I view them and how they view me is different.
I know that, I understand it, and I respect it--but I always want to do the best by them. I always want to do the right thing for them. And I'm never really sure what that is, especially on my own. A lot of these things, I'm basically alone in trying to guess. I don't know if I'm on the right track, or if I made a mistake. I only have my best guess.
So when I say please help me--that's what I mean. Please help me be better than I can be on my own. I am already trying my best on my own. If you think what I'm doing isn't enough, if you think what I'm doing is wrong, if you think what I'm doing is a mistake...then tell me, let me know, help me correct it. I try to correct myself on my own, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I can never be perfect on my own, and the more help I get, the better I can be.
Basically. I am good, but to be elevated above what I am now, I need others to help me be even better. I naturally get better with time on my own, but others can help my growth be explosive, by helping refine things and help me hone in on specifics and help me deal with doubts or give me them where I previously hadn't had them.
This is the sort of thing I am trying to open up myself to be more vulnerable about, welcoming and accepting and even asking for the feedback. But, I also don't think it's good to just randomly approach someone and effectively trauma dump someone. I don't think it's good to just dump my problems on someone who hasn't invited me to do so. Especially if that person has set a boundary of minimal communication previously.
Which means...maybe this is a mistake, but my approach here is that I need you to approach me. If you don't let me know it's okay for me to, then I won't ever know it's okay for me to. I will always have that inner conflict, fighting over "this is not okay" and "this should be done", and I will never know which is right, I just have to guess. If requiring me to be approached is a mistake, I need you to tell me it is.
I am trying my best. I take my best guesses. But I am very much imperfect. I am flawed, and I always will be. I do my best, but my best will never be as good as it can be when I'm on my own. I can become better by being helped. I am asking for that help whenever I feel it's appropriate to ask, but I can make mistakes even there. I can ask for help when I shouldn't, and I can pass on asking for help when I should ask for help.
But at the end of the day--I am working to build a self that is healthy, while building everything around me to be better. I am ready to embrace that path. Of empathy, of joy, of positivity, of connection, of creativity, of celebration and of support. I am working overtime on my own to elevate myself to the highest capability to do that I can, and I would love to have you alongside my journey to help me get there all the better and faster.
And I promise I can and will return the favor. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but this is one I know I can. I will return the favor and do the same for you. Any thoughts you have, any vulnerabilities you want to display, any weaknesses you have, any doubts you have, any challenges you face. As long as I live, I will be there for you. I will help you, no questions asked. I will give that to you, because you deserve it.
You are loved, and appreciated, and always worthy of my presence. As long as you are willing to have me, I will have you gladly. My heart is open. I refuse to close it off. I will accept you, no matter what. My love is unconditional, and I will be there. I will listen. I will learn. I will act. I will advise. I will do, whatever it is you need me to do, and I will help you. Because you deserve it. You deserve to exist, you deserve to be happy, and I will fight my hardest to help you be happy.
I still have so much I need to do, so much yet to accomplish, but so do you, and together we can get it done. <3
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