I am sick mentally.
I am sick emotionally.
Nothing is going well for me right now.
I'm exhausted on every level.
I just...I'm losing so much.
My health is going down. Physically, especially.
But also mentally and emotionally.
I am worn down.
I am tired.
I am genuinely not okay.
I'm not doing so much I should be.
I feel like I am breaking down. That I am broken, that I can't continue on.
I just feel like I'm so done with life right now.
But like. Can't exactly not live it. So in spite of feeling like I'm just done--obviously I'm not actually. Which arguably makes me feel even worse because I feel like quitting something that there is no quit option for.
(Well--technically. But. Y'know. I'm not going there. There's no quit option. Period.)
I'm struggling to remember how to be happy.
I'm struggling to remember how to function.
I feel like collapsing.
My whole life is just. Tension building, no release.
I genuinely don't know how to keep going.
I mean, I will.
I just don't know how.
And there's a very real--justifiable--fear that I simply...pass out. Behind the wheel.
I'm not healthy in any way.
That bad health adds up.
Something's gonna break bad.
Physically would be the least damaging, but most annoying. Sickness would be a way to force rest, but would cause so many small issues.
Emotionally would be the most destructive. When I break bad, I burn bridges.
And Mentally would be the most dangerous. If I fall asleep while guarding, it's dangerous to other patrons. If I fall asleep while off the stand it could cost me the job for sleeping through rotations. But mostly and obviously: if I fall asleep while driving...
...When I drive on some of the most dangerous highways in the state...
...Hoo boy I don't think I need to say how dangerous that is.
And I've come close to all three mentally before.
Very very dangerous.
And it's getting worse.
It's not the work schedule in of itself.
It's just a perfect storm of everything wearing me down.
So many events going on that I am juggling.
The extra work I felt I had to take.
The time-limited things I am struggling to try and get on time.
The picking up of things that I am invested in.
It's all adding up. It's all piling up.
I don't think it'll have the effects of the worst burnouts where I genuinely left areas of my life I loved permanently in the past. That shouldn't happen.
I am just. So so dead inside.