I mean. I have a whole laundry list of things I could comment on, I just...idk, don't really know what I feel like writing about on the blog today. I guess I go stream of consciousness style, or maybe bullet-point list of things, or maybe a combination of both? (Here comes the ramble tag. xD)

We went to our first counseling/therapy session in three years (last one was as the pandemic was starting, in 2020). Little has come from it so far, but the hope is it gets me moving in the right direction.
We didn't even get to mention our plurality since it never really came up. We're not hiding it from him since we trust our counselor who probably figured it out on his own, but like...we just haven't found a way to really bring it up and talk about it yet. With frequent therapy, one of our sessions might lead to the talk about it.

We do want to tell him, we just don't know how to just say "oh by the way, we're plural". We could maybe force it, but for counseling, I personally feel like discussion should be evolving fluently and be about the topics brought up as they come up. If there's an awkward pause, and nothing fills the gap, that might be a good time and with enough sessions it'll come up eventually, but we're in no rush.

We also got a doctor's appointment this week, attempting to discuss the issues we've been having.
We wrote out a full list of issues we have going on.
Not wanting to self-diagnose, we didn't tell them what we think is causing those, because they are generic enough that any number of things could be the cause.
But we didn't get them to read the list.

Put simply, ​Autism + doctor appointment where they don't read your pre-prepared notes + don't communicate with each other + engage in a way I struggle with = guess who isn't getting answers about her medical issues. (It's me, I am the girl not getting answers.)

I got a followthrough appointment for a cardiologist. (I'll attempt to tell them the issue, doubt they'll have any more listening to me than what I already got though.)
I got prescribed dizziness medication (honestly I'm debating not even bothering with trying to get it, yet alone take it, but who knows, I might try it just to see if it works even though I know it won't).

But it doesn't seem like they were really engaging me in a way conductive to diagnosing my issues.

They repeatedly asked about anxiety--yes, I have it, I have very bad anxiety in fact, but I know for a fact these conditions aren't caused by anxiety. If anything, the moments I am anxious/stressed are the moments when my symptoms are at their weakest.
Basically, in times when I am distracted, when I am basically in a trance caused by my neuroses, most of my symptoms aren't there. When I actually obtain some semblance of peace of mind, that's when dangerous spikes happen. Thinking decreases the amount of times I am affected; not thinking increases the amount of times I am affected. The more I think of the issues, the less they happen.

Which is the exact opposite of what should be happening with stress/anxiety if stress and/or anxiety are the cause. Stress and anxiety cause these things to peak, in part because of the stress and the anxiety. But after the stress and the anxiety has faded, the symptoms tend to, too. (Which is why getting rid of the stress/anxiety makes it better.)

​Now, we can't get rid of our stress/anxiety (I don't know why), so the physical issues of stress/anxiety are definitely there (weight, mostly), but if stress and anxiety went away, I imagine the result would be these things getting even stronger and happening more often.

They probably think we're making it up, that the signs and symptoms are exaggerated, that we are creating the issue in our head.

We're not.

We know our body. We know what's going on with it. We just don't know how to describe to a medical professional what's going on, in a way that they would understand, and be productive to finding the root of the problems. I know what the issues are. I just don't know how to translate those issues into terms which a medical professional can then give a diagnosis for.

Well. I guess that'll be it for now. This medical rant ate up the majority of our blogging energy.
I'll say that we definitely are struggling to stay afloat in a lot of areas though.

There's so much we want to do.
We wanna work on the things our counselor asked us to.
We wanna stay afloat on mafia, discord, and torn, which all require extensive daily upkeep.
We wanna play games, but don't have the time to do it and anything else--we game, we lose out on doing literally everything else.
We wanna keep up on hygiene, but haven't taken a shower since last week. (And we're not going to--in all likelihood. None tonight, likely none tomorrow, probably will convince ourselves out of it Sunday too.)
We wanna stream, but were too tired yesterday and need to go to bed too soon tonight (to catch a watch party tomorrow, at least).
Did we even upload our last stream to YT? I don't think we did.

And then there's actually doing productive things.
We wanna get back onto ComicFury and add it into our daily routine. Not webcomics, mind you, and not obsessively viewing the discussion daily, but like on mafia and discord, reading the things of interest every day.
We wanna get our avatar for rBree2 on ComicFury (previously called "My Alt", our alt account) and Ranger on mafia done (same avatar, taking from both).
We wanna work on writing Farn.

We did make some minuscule progress today, a modicum of work, where we added Anna Effigy to our unofficial notes file.

But we're not getting our discord notes translated into the notes sections of any document, and we're not filling out the unofficial notes with existing notes or writing the desired new ones, by and large.

It just takes so much time...and focus...and we have none.

Yet alone, writing.

And for streaming/recording we've got work to do like downloading OBS, and we've not done that.

We're staying afloat, and that's about it.

We do have the excuse of a hellish work week, and recovering from sickness, in the last two weeks.

But we're still meant to be doing...so, so much more than we are.

We need to move forward.

We're not.
That's okay that we're not.
​But we still want to, and know we should, so knowing we should and knowing we want to, we need to figure out how to actually get there. Which again, was discussed in counseling a bit. "The level of want, and the level of prepared, both need to be high", I believe it was.

Well the want is high.
The level of preparedness?
...Well, clearly not.

Small steps are better than no steps I guess tho.

Literally, gotta go to work tomorrow.
​But also back to working on things, too.
​Like blogging.

Well...crud.

Yeah, that's about it.


Anything I was gonna say?

​Overridden by that.

i kat, i a cat, i part of ashe, ashe part of bree, i young, i speak like this, i normally never come out to play but system tired, dangerously so.

we almost crash many times on way home from work, we spill coffee, vee got very mad and was actually fronting for a while, we didn't notice because vee also plural so her fully front is little different from all of us being all of us. we normally permanently disassociated, no definite fronter, vee fronting was almost same and we didn't notice because vee fronting is similar to us being us, is very different from when ruby did because ruby fronting we instantly could tell, vee fronting took a voice saying 'calm down vee' instead of 'calm down bree' to let us know.

anyway i be the one out rn. i normally never out, others not let me loose 'cause i be like this.

blog writer will prolly be furious looking back, they insist on proper spelling, grammar, etc. i be opposite of that, but it their fault for not being strong enough to come forward i guess.

we tired, we exhausted, we so weak i be out and i never out for this long, so we need sleep, we need rest. sorry for the disruption, hopefully others are strong enough later to make up for me being out like i am. xD

it was me or nobody, so i guess you got me. sorry!
​-kat

oh we also want note, wasted day obv. needed sleep. got inspired, so no workout. no shower, either. it okay tho. other facets like to be meanies to us, not to us as individuals but us as all of bree, they self-hate for missing but i okay, we alright. <3

And we didn't even do the needed self-care.
We've not gotten enough sleep.
We opted for napping instead of working out to survive--and still needed a double dose of Starbucks coffee to make it home (and barely did). And this was after napping and a triple dose (extra concentrated) of tea and coffee at work. So we've failed a lot. (Also we forgot to actually do the shopping we intended to.)

But, we do have some wins. We took a shower and got our medication yesterday.
We launched a probe into followthrough on mental health and will continue to try to get an update there.
We have put steps in towards seeing a doctor about the issues we've been having that have gotten worse.
Yesterday had a change of clothing, successfully doing dental hygiene, change of clothes, shampooing and moisturizing, etc.

And today we got a healthy trim for our hair. It's the beginning of hair care. We'll need to continuously follow through. Consistently have hair treatment meaning consistently showering. And coming back in 8 weeks, continuously, until our hair is far more healthy. (Our goal is to have at least knee-length hair. Our hair doesn't reach our hips currently. And won't while as damaged as it is.)

So we're making steps.
​They've just been very costly for free time.

Like. At all. At all at all.
We did take a shower and get meds today and change the clothes we have spares of and brush our teeth once.
But we didn't workout, get any story stuff done, or really do anything at all. (We might have logged into mychart, but that's a "might" because idk if it went through.) We did shampoo, and moisturize, but that's nothing special.

Tomorrow will likely be similar. We'll gas our car out of necessity. If we don't cower out of it we should get a healthy trim to start getting our hair in better condition.

Here's to hoping.

​We're likely to get nothing done, but you never know!

I'm not right now.

Today marked my family doing family things during family night.
And by that I mean being extreme transphobes.

As a reminder; I am out as trans.
They know I am a girl.
They still were, very very very openly, being fully transphobic.

This week I ended up not taking care of myself. I did one, one, workout correct, but failed to do a workout for 3/4 days.

I've not been brushing my teeth.
I've not taken a shower or changed my clothes.
I've not gotten sleep.
I've not been blogging.
I've not been streaming.

I had the last person I would ever expect to be pluralphobic (genuinely were a huge part of me realizing I am trans, AND, a huge part of me realizing I am plural), invalidate the identity of one of our system mates.

Heck I've lost my voice and might be sick.

No self-care.
No work done on anything.

I haven't even played my weekly ranked games!
No games.
No blogs.
No writing.
​No art.
Nothing.

I'm just...

I don't know how to live.

...Losing that hour is not why I lost my day today.

Having my monthly staff meeting wasn't really to blame, either.

The fault lies squarely with me and me alone.

I was going to do something today.

I forgot.

I didn't stream today--in my defense, I had a cat sleep on my lap for two hours, and I have a choice of streaming past my intended bedtime or going to bed and I'm choosing the latter.

But like.

There was something I was going to do today.

I don't even remember what.

I didn't finish listening to my stream so that could be it, but there was something else I feel like I was forgetting.

OH WELL.

​Time for sleep is now, I guess.