Literally, considering that I am sweating less than I should and thus my skin is warm/hot to the touch in spite of my body itself not being feverish. (Yes I do have a doctor appointment for this since yes it is in fact a fairly concerning thing, but not until like May 12th as that's the soonest I could get and they didn't think it was "go to the hospital RIGHT NOW" urgent.)

But like. Mentally I'm doing incredibly poorly with head racing spinning thoughts etc. and physically I've got a lot of (pardon the language) shit to deal with in that everything is just not functioning as it should in my body right now so like.

Spiraling is a happening.

​But, can't speak, gotta go to bed for work tomorrow.

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

On the hygiene front, I'm doing about as badly as I can. My teeth are rotting because I'm not taking care of them, and I'm not taking a shower in spite of my last shower being on Wednesday, and I've only used shampoo/conditioner once in like two or three weeks (that being, on Wednesday).

In terms of things that I should be doing, I also haven't streamed at all, and haven't touched art since my drawing of Elemental Ruby, so there's a loss of momentum there.

I also haven't been doing the grinding that I need to do in Chrono Trigger (did a little yesterday but not enough), Final Fantasy VII, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5.

More than that, my notes keep piling up since I've not actually done the things I need to do in order to store the notes in their binders. (Well, one I got, the others, not so much.)

That having been said, I did complete the League and TFT quests, I did get my ranked game in for the week (I set a goal to do at least one ranked game per week), I did do mafia stuff that I have needed to work on including working on the modded game I want to run (tho speaking of a different kind of modding, still haven't done Civ 3, welp), and while my hygienic health has been utter garbage, my health in other areas I'm making strides in.

While I've been having an issue of sweating less and skin being warmer than it should be (presumably as a consequence of the less sweat) in spite of being hydrated and not being sunburnt, I have a doctor's appointment for it.

I also set a doctor appointment for psychiatry (at least I hope it is?), which might allow me to get a refill on my meds there.

I'm communicating more and networking more online so while I'm not nearly doing enough, I am doing more and more.

It's a slow and steady push, but it is in fact a push.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.

I still need to continue my TFT grind. I did grind a little in FFVII getting the limit breaks I wanted but I need to get the max materia that I am chasing after.

I still need to write everything down.

I need to stay on top of hygiene better.

I've got a lot to do and no time today as I spent it all already.

Oh and tomorrow I need to stream. I need to remember to do that, too.

Probably will be doing an art stream, actually, but I need to download the art program I want to use. (I know that I should be learning Krita and I know that I replaced GIMP with FireAlpacca for a reason and Krita is allegedly better than both, but I don't know how to do what I want to do in Krita or FireAlpaca but I do know how to do it in GIMP.)

​So much I need to get done in such a short amount of time.

I am being kept busy. I'm not going to be able to make a real blog tonight thanks to all of the catching up that I am doing but suffice to say, today was a catchup day and so was yesterday to some extent, just not as productively so. I've got a lot to do. League stuff (final mission is ranked, and ranked is something I want to be trying to do anyway), work stuff (very important things), a lot of things, too many for me to think of.

I'll also say that it's now been 16 days since I was sick with covid (I think that's the math? Two weeks was Wednesday and today's Friday) and I'm still coughing. I'm not feeling like I have a bacterial infection but hoo boy I don't really think I'm doing so well.

Tomorrow is my endocrinology appointment.

It was originally scheduled to be in-person, but then I got covid and tested positive for covid and thus, had to change the type of appointment.

While I was progressing under the prior endocrinologist, this is a new one thanks to the prior one retiring, so I am yet again facing the same fears as the last one: being gatekept.

Originally, by this time, I was meant to be on two pills and start taking estrogen.

But I am worried between it being a first visit, and being remote, that I might get gatekept and be delayed further.

I want to take the next steps so badly. I literally am double-padding bras and shaving twice daily and it's not good enough. I need more. I just...want things to be the way they should be.

​So here's to hoping.

...But while I knew them earlier today, I forgot what traits I...well, forgot. Oops.

Succubii have the flight, the innate understanding of social relationships, ability to read them, enhanced ability to charm, both through psychological reading and through literal seductive power (not used), dream viewing, dream manipulation, limited memory rewriting (requires them to be sleeping, is short-term only, and prone to failure; also not used), and probably more that I, again...forgot.

I'll see about looking up Succubus powers in various settings, and see what I want. I want most, but not all, of the powers. For instance, mind-reading I want a form of, but not as strong as in DMFA Cubi mindreading for instance. (And in this case, from the Slime half not Succubus half.)

I did however come up with the protagonist's superhero name. It's something that she very very very deliberately selected:
Wetgirl.

It seems like a lame name, and a name easy to make fun of, due to the nature of the innuendo of a name--but that's actually the point, that's actually precisely the reason she chose it as her superhero name. She doesn't want to be just a slime girl, she's a succubus and a slime girl, so she chose an alias that would pay homage to both halves of her, rather than just one.

And did so while remaining mostly family-friendly. Something that parents can't truly object to naming-wise, but which conveys the succubii heritage while also conveying her main power source, that being, her water affinity (since Slimes are more water than anything else).

Anyway, while I could have more to say, tonight? Tonight I need to listen to my body's urgings of sleep, so I'll be going to bed to hopefully beat covid as soon as possible.

My entire family did, in fact, get Covid. Really sucks, honestly. It's not surprising. It made sense. It fit. It was very likely. But I was still hoping it wasn't.

That said, today I did come up with an idea from a dream. I realize the idea of a "Slime Girl" is ridiculously overdone for a fantasy setting, but what about for a superhero setting? (Okay even there it's probably been done...) In this case, the specific concept I came up with is a Slime-Succubus hybrid.

In this universe, slimes have all of the abilities you'd expect them to have. Extensive shapeshifting, absorbing, being able to make lesser copies, special sight, being able to dissolve into a pile of goo, the goo moving, "metal slime" skin, you get the idea. But one thing slimes can't really do is have control over the pigment of their, for lack of a better word, "skin". They can change it somewhat, but they don't have fine control over it, in spite of being otherwise excellent shapeshifters.

In this universe, succubii have the opposite problem: they are the absolute masters at superficial shapeshifting. They can change pigments of their skin tone, they can change things like how much fat is where, make themselves a few inches taller or shorter, a little wider or thinner, so they can basically masquerade as essentially any human (or "human"), but can't go into obviously nonhuman shapes, and can't go too big or too small. They can't become too outside of the "norm". They still need two legs, two arms, a central mass, a head, etc. Their basic shape stays the same, even if the specifics of it, they are the masters of change.

​So you can see where this is headed--the Slime Girl I have in mind as a Slime-Succubus hybrid inherited both traits. The extensive shapeshifting of the slime and the extensive form changing of a succubus (or would it be extensive form changing of a slime and extensive shapeshifting of a succubus? You get the idea tho).

​So she can pass as human, or as a default succubus (succubii have horns, wings, and a tail by default--various succubii have different types of these, from cat horns to ram horns, cat tails to devil tails, but always have them; obviously, succubii can hide them in their shapeshifting as their wings/horns/tails are where the majority of their shapeshifting mass comes from), but has all the powers of a slime.

​Being a liquid, no need for sleep (and much lower needs for other things), having things pass through or be absorbed inside of her, store things inside of her body, immunity to physical damage in multiple ways (metal slime armor, extreme maneuverability to avoid being hit, even when hit being a liquid so blows being absorbed the way liquid would, not really having vital spots to wound so the wound not being critical, etc.), immunity to blunt impact, having an adhesive body that sticks to things and can have things stick to her, immunity to poison and disease (racial slime traits), immunity to mind control (shared racial traits between succubii and slime, with between the two covering literally every possible form of altered state of mind, with the singular exception of getting drunk, which both are actually more vulnerable to...), being able to eat/absorb anything, being able to tell what's poisonous (among other things), recognizing deception (this one's a succubus one), having the ability to read social cues and be a universal translator (also succubus), being able to generate poison (including paralyzing toxins), having the power to seduce (albeit, thanks to her morals, refusing to use it), being able to absorb any liquid (including water, natch), changing size/body proportions proportional to how much mass she has available (and she can gain/store mass from water in excess of what she has already), filtering water, having healing powers from her water, being able to unleash water with limited hydrokinesis (water connected to her body she has full control over, water she shoots she can push around or even make into a stream sharp enough to cut/pierce, but finer control is lost if she's not actively in contact with the water), control over whether what she envelops is digested or isn't digested, and for that matter, whether to drown them or not drown them, mastery of how solid she is, what texture she is, ability to control clothing, use of extra limbs (an endless amount of tentacles) that have incredible fine motor control, unmatched sense of taste, touch, and hearing, ability to mimic voices perfectly, perfect memory, limited tactile-based telepathy (feeling the surface-level thoughts of those she contacts), passive ability to absorb through this method memories and feelings (empathy basically), genius-level intellect, being an incredibly fast learner, especially skilled at navigating the human world (averting a typical slime girl stereotype), skilled at acting, no need to breathe, ability to create weapons from the body (blade-arms, blade-tentacles, axes, knives, you name it, shapeshifting + metal = anything can be a weapon), an ability to quickly learn the fighting styles of others and incorporate them into her own (and find counters to them), incredibly strong self-regeneration if she somehow ever does get hurt, ability to generate acid (and immunity to it), being able to absorb/create liquid metal, having the required heat resistance of this, ability to (with enough time) shift "types" of slime to gain immunity to cold or heat (not both at once obv, and it does take time, extensive time, to mold herself into that different "form" of slime), being able to basically act like rubber, capable of being either a conductor or insulator of electricity (and to a very limited extent, for magic in general), through being liquid being able to melt through surfaces, pass through them, slipping through even the smallest of cracks, mastery of dexterity/nimbleness/hand-eye coordination, superhuman strength, increased speed, flight, ability to mind control others (not used) through specialized created slime cores, elasticity, a limited hammerspace for objects/mass, a form of farsight from basically having eyes that can become a magnifying scope, ability to see details from it becoming a microscope, forming doppelgangers (other slimes controlled by the main body too, albeit with one mind so it being laborious), ability to sense water of all forms from an incredibly long distance, and with incredible focus, ability to track people within that range (because people have water) (but this is not an easy ability to use and requires intense focus to maintain the clairvoyance this entails), the ability to "see" everything around without eyes in a sight-without-sight in a 10-yard radius (which also lets her see magic itself), and limited skill absorbsion from things absorbed.

From these skills, she's mastered every form of weapon, and she is quite good at rune-based magic (drawing magic, basically). Her ability to cast non-rune magic is nonexistent tho, but she still has extensive knowledge​ of it, and high ability to counter it (in part due to being able to see magic itself, in part due to an a limited form of adaptive defense, but also due to genius analytical skills and being able to, so to speak, predict magic--not a proper power, but effectively one thanks to her instant calculation time since she's able to do basically any math/physics/etc. problem in her head instantly).

Sadly, this is all I came up with. Abilities, and loosely ones at that, and the concept being superhero rather than fantasy adventurer. (I might look into more powers, too.)