Sunday did break my momentum, and then after that, I just...well, was exhausted. It wasn't until today that I felt like I could blog again. My partner fills me with energy, rejuvenating me. They make me instantly feel less tired and more awake. But, while they have been an incredibly positive presence in my life, they are not a magical-fix-all-of-Bree's-chronic-health-issues button.

They've certainly helped a lot. I'm going to bed at nearly the same time every day and waking up at nearly the same time every day. This has regulated me, guaranteeing 6-8 hours of sleep in a day. I sleep better with thoughts of them. I go to sleep faster thanks to them. But as much good as having them in my life is, they are not a cure to chronic fatigue.

I think the bags under my eyes are potentially getting worse. And while I feel like I'm sleeping longer and more full of rest, I'm still waking up during the night and having my sleep interrupted, presumably from sleep apnea. (Next month is my appointments.) So as much as my partner is good for me, I do have problems with exhaustion, which aren't going to magically go away. Exhaustion which makes it very very hard to blog.

I'm hoping some of it was burnout from too much work--this month's schedule is much better. No hell shift, no hell week, the entire schedule feels like it's exactly the kind I can do well. Between less work burnout and better habits, I'm going to have the best environment possible for reducing exhaustion going forward. It won't cure my chronic health issues. But, it will help my chronic health issues. Holding me over until the doctor appointment for diagnosing me.

With luck, and I know I've been saying this a lot, but with luck, that'll mean I get back into regular blogging.

I guess I should get more into various life updates though.

My partner and I are currently long-distance, living 2,000 miles apart. We want to meet, ideally multiple times, before the end of the year, and start looking to move in together in 2024. They currently are out of a job, and looking for one, because they don't want the financial burden to be on me and me alone.

I know that the path ahead is going to be rather difficult. There will be plenty of obstacles, and likely, sacrifices. But, I do want the relationship to work. I vibe with my partner. I vibe with them a lot. They make me so happy in an indescribable way, a level of overwhelming happiness I've never felt before. Seeing their face makes me giddy, with their every reaction only deepening my love of them.

I know that a lot of my friends might be concerned about my relationship with my partner. I didn't want to make a scene about my relationship with them because I knew it'd cause drama, but I also didn't want to hide the relationship, keep it secret, not share it at all. So I've put it out into the world, people can see it, it's there, and I will share with any who will listen. I have a partner, and they make me very very happy and I love them a lot.

Their past will make a lot of people concerned about me with them, but what the people who know my partner's past don't know is that I have more in common with my partner than they realize. My concern is not of my partner being manipulative, controlling, abusive, exploitative, or any form of toxic. My concern is that I would be that to them. My partner has precious little in the way of friends, being fairly isolated. My partner had their entire world crash down on them overnight, so they had nothing left. So in many ways, I hold all of the power--which is dangerous.

​It'd be far too easy for me to be those things, and get away with it. I don't want to be, obviously, so I have to have that level of awareness. I need to be on the lookout for signs of an unhealthy relationship, but not really from them; from me is my main concern. I have some very negative traits. I have a very bad past. So while there are valid concerns to be had about my partner's history, the real worry shouldn't be what my partner does to me but rather what I could do to my partner.

It's a relationship that I know at least some don't approve of, for valid reasons. My partner is a very flawed person, with a very bad past. My partner has caused great harm in their past, even if it wasn't intentional. There are reasons for anyone who knows even some of the past of my partner to be concerned about their presence. So I understand all the measures people are taking in regards to my having a relationship with my partner. Any action taken, is valid. It is justified. I've accepted whatever others will do to protect their spaces, and their actions are in the right for that reason. The safety of who they care about is important. So whatever they do, it is the correct call to have made.

​Despite this, my partner is still someone I believe is a good person--a better person than I am, in fact. People know of the negative deeds of my partner, and they all assume these deeds make my partner a worse human than I am, that I risk dragging myself down to being a lesser human by being close to them. What they don't know is of my own bad past deeds, and if they did, they'd know how my partner is an angel compared to me.

My partner will have a bad reputation for the rest of their life. What people don't know is that I'd have an even worse reputation if they knew my darker side. In many ways, that is one reason why the fears about me are misplaced. I will not be hurt by my partner. I risk badly hurting my partner. I'm a tough girl and can take any fallout, in part because I've steeled myself for the possibility that if people ever did learn my past, I'd lose everything overnight. Anything less than that would be a blessing.

Because I'm as bad as I am, in many ways I actually do feel like I'm the perfect fit for my partner. It'd be awfully hypocritical of me to condemn my partner for their past considering my own is as bad as it is. And I know their history, better than most. I know what they've been through, better than most. I'm able to understand and empathize with past actions, no matter how harmful they were, because I understand that good people can do bad things, and still be good people who want to do good in life.

That belief is basically all I need. I have a deep, deep love for my partner. A stronger love than I have ever felt before. I believe my partner reciprocates, having a deeper love for me than they have ever felt for anyone else. And I believe that, despite all their past history and all the negative hurtful things within, they are a good person. Flawed, very flawed, and having caused great harm, but still at their fundamental level, not malicious, not bad, not evil, still a decent human being with empathy that cares for others and wants to make a difference in the world.

Which, mind you, is also what I want to be. I often have my shortcomings there. The level of harm I've caused in my own past is enough to disgust any who would learn about it. I don't think I deserve the merit of being called a 'good person', but I am at least trying to be one. I am flawed, have caused great harm, and yet am trying to make a difference in the world, to use my empathy to care for others and be decent and understanding to everyone.

With that mutual love between two humans trying to not be monsters, trying to be good or at least decent...I feel like we have a chance to build a life together. I have received well-wishes for my partner to better themself, but while I understand the wording, I feel it's inaccurate. I feel my partner isn't going to change, because they don't need to. They were already everything they already are. A kind, caring, empathetic person trying to do good. They have always had those traits. So have I, despite my monstrous atrocities in my past.

It'd be more apt to say, more or less...to be better able to apply those traits in ways consistently healthy, productive, and helpful, in ways which better the world, rather than being led astray and having things go horribly wrong for any reason. The darker self will always be there, so to acknowledge it's there and not let it cause harm. I don't see that as really being better, as much as it is, applying the current self more smartly to better achieve the desired goals and not cause their opposite.

And I'm cautiously optimistic that, together, we can do that. It won't be easy. It will involve many hardships. Yet...I think we can succeed. I believe I can keep my partner on a better path, and I believe my partner will be there for me if I ever begin to stray in my own efforts for a better path. We're two flawed people with bad pasts who have done bad things, yet despite all the shortcomings we have and the bad traits we have, I believe we are still going to have a chance at making it work, at being positive forces who can do a lot, building each other up and building the world around us up as well.

It may not manifest. Things go wrong. But I'm hopeful. We're taking steps. We're putting the effort in to manifest it. I know it will be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices, and obstacles. In my opinion, it's worth it. They're worth it. Even if nobody else thinks it is, mine is the only opinion which matters in my own life, and while they get a say in other areas, my life is mine alone and my decisions, my choices, are mine. And in my opinion, my love is worth fighting for.

For a start, I mentioned I have a partner a couple blogs ago; I didn't mention how much their presence in my life has changed mine.

I'm going to bed and waking up at nearly the same time every single day, and it is at a much earlier time for bed and much earlier time waking up. I'm going to bed around 9 - 11 pm, before midnight! And not because of work! Even on non-work days. And I'm waking up around 6:30 am, every single day! Even on the weekends when I'm not working!

I'm still dealing with chronic health issues, so my chronic fatigue remains. But, I don't feel like I need to nap! My lucidity is higher, without a need to nap. And, my food intake feels more consistent, too. Having a partner is helping me regulate my body. I'm showering a little more often, and overall, my life is just...better.

I love my partner so much, and I am more driven than ever before in life. I am taking steps to meet them and am already looking to 2024 trying to move in with them. If that seems a bit fast, I understand. But, this is a love deeper than anything I have felt before, and it is mutual. We want to make it work. This is a relationship that I know others probably won't understand. But, it's one that we know the details of and we are going to fight to make it work.

I want to, when appropriate, be public about my partner. To share where I can, as much as I can. I might not share the details, but I want to share them. Things are going to be changing.

I'm about to go on a call-date, so I'm not gonna say more in this blog, but...I really want this to work, despite how we will definitely face challenges.

Not gonna lie, life is rough. Work is draining, and I don't have as much time/energy as I used to--but also, to a large extent, I've been prioritizing going to bed more. It's not really helping me get enough sleep, but it's something which still feels nice, and to some extent, I am making a conscious effort to at least somewhat maintain synchronization with my partner.

And my partner being my significant other, I do prioritize dating them over blogging, too.

But today, it's worth blogging about.

You might've noticed I mentioned something there, above.

Yes.

I have a partner--as of today.

I've been talking to a friend daily. And at some point, I began to love them. Today, I finally confessed to them, and they reciprocate.

Yes! I'm dating! I have a significant other. I've got a partner! I love them, and they return my affections. So today, we made it official and are now an item. I'm so giddy. I'm so excited. I'm very, very nervous. I'm sure the future will be filled with challenges. But, I want to make it work. As long as they have feelings for me, I will do anything for them.

I love them, a lot. So now, things are going to be different. Scary, but also exhilarating. My heart is so full of joy right now. So wish me all of the luck. Given the trials and tribulations sure to come...we'll need it.

More, probably, since it's 10 am now, and I've got tasks to do. Writing this blog, drinking coffee, taking vitamins, and transferring stuff to its proper place, not to mention bed routine stuff. I need to take my estrogen, take my dress off, take my bras off (I don't have properly-fitted bras, so sleeping in them overnight is very bad for my shoulders), take my socks off (helps mitigate stinkiness), and apply my nightly lotions.

That, aside from needing a final bathroom stop before bed (to help prevent middle of night bladder troubles), and if I want to be thorough, brushing my teeth. (Which I'm so bad at I'm fairly sure I've gotten three cavities minimum.)

This is, of course, my normal. (If you think this is TMI in a blog, sorry to say, that my blog can contain anything. I've said that from the very start, although for the wix mirror, this might be your first time seeing it.) I never go to bed on time. I never complete all the tasks quickly. I always start at about the time I should be going to bed, and it takes me about 1-2 hours to finish. So starting at 9:45 or so, means I'll be lucky to finish by 10:45.

Still. I should try to get better at it, when I can.

Obviously, right now, I'm prioritizing my friend. My friend lost basically everything they cared about overnight one week ago, on my 30th birthday, and then when I was in the middle of a call with them had it hit even worse over the next few days. Helping them is my top priority.

And, even if they didn't need those hangs. I like hanging out with them. I always have. In the time I've gotten to know them, they've become one of my favorite people, and I cherish my time with them. They're good to vibe with, so even if it didn't benefit them, it certainly benefits me.

Butstill. My friend usually goes to bed at the same time I should be going to bed. If I were smart, then I would be going to bed basically the moment our hangouts end.

I am not smart.

I'm a true dummBree.

I literally only today learned that when people asked me if I am gouda, they were making a cheesy pun (because Bree is a homonym of Brie). So I have my moments of being an utter moron. (Or for that, an udder moron, if you will.)

Since I am dumb, I am always late.

Still, though. The bright side is, I'm largely productive.

My chronic health issues are still crippling. The last couple of weeks, I've had 10/14 days off, and during every single one of those days, I theoretically should've gotten more than enough sleep. Yet, every day I was as tired as I am on the nights I get less than six hours of sleep, because 6+, 8+, 10+ hours of sleep don't matter to chronic illnesses. And my breathing issue remains, and the dizziness issue remains.

Despite those things dragging me down...I have more free time.

Not enough, as it now being 10:15 shows, but still more.

I'm logging into ComicFury nearly every day.
​I'm more active in torn, again.
I'm staying on top of my mafia games far more easily. (Although in small part, that's because I cut myself off from efforting in them. I told them friend > game, so I'm prioritizing the friend over the game and that means not wasting as much time on mafia as I was.)

By having cut back on the number of discords I'm in to the bare minimum, I'm able to keep up with each daily.
By having cut out 90% of my twitch streams, I've less obligations distracting me.

I'm doing the bare minimum for league/tft right now, fairly easily, but have the luxury of indulging. So far, I've opted out, but I may go in again some time soon. (Been wanting to.)

I'm blogging, albeit far too late today.

I'm showering more, although teeth hygiene is still disappointingly lagging behind.

And, I'm actually working on my novel somewhat frequently.
It's not as much as it needs to be.

I was working on my novel for over an hour today, and I got one paragraph from the ordeal, and that singular paragraph exhausted me to the point where I couldn't continue. I got so exhausted, I hit a hard wall, despite the desire to continue, so I had to...well, not.

BUT.

I'm getting work done on my novel more often than I was. That's very promising.

During the anime night we had on Saturday thanks to my brother visiting, I was inspired. I was channeling Vee's magic, so effortlessly and fluently through my body. Among others. Vee. Lilith. Rothasta. And more. All yearning to be created and seen by more than just me. And I have the passion. I have the commitment to have started to diverge away from the life I was living, on twitch and the related discords.

Since I've made the decision to largely cut back, few places have me there and invested. There's a grand total of five places I frequent which I feel obligated to be around. Which is, admittedly, still on the high side. That's down from the nearly two dozen I was at before, though (about 12-20 I think it was), so I'm more free than I was.

One place I mod for, and I don't think I'll ever want to leave there.
Two places, are friend hubs. Hubs, for friends who frequently stream. (I do attend friend streams regardless, but there's only two who stream fairly regularly, the rest are far more inconsistent.)
And two, are some of the first two communities I was in, with one being a community I was basically an og member of.

I don't want to lose the people in there from my life, since that's where my closest friendships flourished. Including a contributing part of my friendship with my friend who has since lost everything. The spot might not be where the friendships have continued, but it is where they formed, and is still a meeting place, so I'd rather stay, at least right now.

A future-me might make the decision to back out, for whatever reason.
Or, heck, who knows. I may join my friend in having been exiled unwillingly. Regardless, at least for now, I want to stay.

I digress though. What I was saying is, because I've only a small number of communities I remain close in, I need to have the focus I was previously spending on the communities I was in...somewhere else.

I've chosen writing. I could go heavier into content creation, but right now I'm feeling a bit soured/bitter by it and I'm not sure I really want some of the people to show up who were showing up, because I'm not sure what I want to do with them. I'm not sure how I want to interact with them. I've not made up my mind there.

So, no streaming, no community time, what does that leave? I chose writing time.

Here's to hoping I can gain some momentum.

Anyway, it's 10:35 now, so I wanna finish up and go to bed, hopefully before 11.

It was working out!
Today, I remedied that.

My body has atrophied through lack of maintenance and long-covid to be about half of what I was doing at the end of 2022. I was up to 90 knuckle-pushups + 90 jackknives (divided into 2-3 sets); now, I'm at roughly half that, divided into 3-4 sets.

Disappointing, but...it's what I have.

So far, today's been decent, but not great. I managed to do most of what I wanted, but not everything. I didn't stream. I didn't do writing. I didn't log on to ComicFury today. I'm probably not brushing my teeth a second time.

But! I did brush my teeth once, fully so!
I brushed my hair.
I'm blogging right now.
I kept up to date on discord stuff.

I actually had a fairly good work day.

It's not a great day, but it was still a good day.

Ultimately a bit disappointing in how little I got done, but...still did things!

Well here's to hoping, at the very least!
I've been having a lot of wins today.
I got naps in at work.
I brushed my teeth.
I brushed my hair.
I took a shower, shampooing.
I changed my clothes.
I'm on day two of staying up to date on ComicFury.
I got caught up in mafia games.
Over the weekend I got league/tft quests finished.
I've done a little bit of art, too.
And now, I'm blogging, too!

Pretty much the only things I've note done today:
Writing (well I took notes, but better notes or writing, not done),
Work training,
Working out,
Keeping up to date on discord.
Anything else?
Inevitably, I'm forgetting something--I'll remember what I've forgotten only when going to bed likely.

But yeah, all in all: things are going good for me right now.
​It probably says something about me that I'm expecting to hit a hard wall again and crash & burn...again. Again, again.
Things aren't perfect right now but they are going great. "Too great" is the feeling.

I apparently can't accept I deserve to have wins in my life.

Or rather, have been conditioned to accept any time things begin to look up, something will cause me to crash down.

Let's hope I can avert that fate this time.

I've good momentum for keeping control over my life.

​I really don't want to lose it.

The good news is, I'm feeling better than I have been.

I think I'm recovering from the severe bipolar week.
And I do mean literally bipolar week. When most people use that term they usually mean it as some form of joke or a descriptor of a rollercoaster week which is ups and downs.

But no, I mean quite literally, bipolar week, in that my bipolar disorder has been out of control. I started the week basically tossing 1k away through various purchases. A good deal was to charity; I can't really be upset. Some was to support a friend. Also not a bad thing. Yet when I was recently in a car crash, dealing with the financial expenses there and I had already spent on an impulse spending spree $400 of clothes...not great to spend more, even for a good cause.

And then the severe depression hit. A pain so severe it was physical. It wasn't thoughts. Thoughts I could counter.
When there's depressive thoughts, I can reason my way out of them.
When there's events going on in life triggering a bad mindset, I can address it.

When it's a feeling of intense overwhelming all-consuming sadness, all I could do was fight to keep my life.

And...I think I'm stabilizing, for both extremes, back to the more healthy middle.

​The bad news is, I'm still out of time. I work tomorrow. I work on the holiday on Monday. I don't have the time to do anything I should be doing.

I've not showered.
I've not brushed my teeth.
I've not changed my clothes.
I've only barely done mafia, torn, kongregate dailies, league/tft stuff, discord, and staying on top of emails.

But so much I need to do, I haven't.

I've a training due before the end of the month--haven't done it.
I've GOT to pursue getting the passport--haven't done it.
I've gotta check on my health insurance--haven't done it.

That's just the list of real life things which have deadlines that I can remember off the top of my head. There's more.

And I'm not really doing any of them.
I ran out of time.

So like.

I'm staying afloat, but if I don't keep in mind the things I haven't done which are important to get done, I'll collapse again.

I survived.

Now I gotta get back into doing things.
Heck, I've been gone from ComicFury for nearly a month now.
And I haven't done any of the writing I've wanted. (I've done some behind-the-scenes stuff, but barely any.)

​There's so much in life I want to live--I just need to live it.

If not blogging in three weeks wasn't a tipoff, let me make it official.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am in shambles right now.

My bipolar disorder's depression has been rearing its ugly head a lot as of late.

My chronic health issues have gotten much much worse as of late.

And then on top of that all, I was in a car crash on Saturday May 13th. And my car got totaled in the process, and I am the one liable for it, and it feels like everything which could go wrong, has.
I'm barely sleeping.
I'm unable to eat much despite knowing I should.
I'm still getting hungry, yet not getting enough food.
I'm not losing weight, though, so that's good, but the fact that I'm not likely means the stress is causing me to keep the weight as fat.
I'm not working out.
It's been weeks since I was on ComicFury.
I'm not staying up to date on discord at all. Literally every server I'm in, I haven't read in days upon days.

I know at one point, I had a thought of, "I've given up on life."

Because these issues build on each other, compounding one another.
My lack of good rest has ruined my freetime.
No free time, no time to get good mental health.
No good mental health, no good physical health.
No good physical health, no good rest.

I just have so much being wrong right now and what I have right is...

...That I'm not failing harder I guess.

I'm sorry I've been so silent.
I'm just...unable to...to exist, pretty much.

​Yet, having no choice but to...is quite the struggle.

I've just been struggling to stay afloat.

I've been so so tired, and been struggling so so much to do even close to the bare minimum.

Realistically, I should be cutting back on the things I do, but like...

...everything I do is something I view as necessary, pretty much.

I need to work, so can't cut that out.
I need workouts, so can't cut them out.
I need dental hygiene and body hygiene, can't cut them out.
I need hair care, can't cut that out.
I need skincare, can't cut that out.
I want to blog, can't cut that out.
I need the vibes of places like ComicFury and streams and discord--I could cut them out in theory, but it'd tank my mental/emotional wellbeing. Those places replenish my soul.
​I need the mafia site for all of the things it gives me.

That doesn't leave a lot which I can cut out.

And yet, I can't maintain what I have.
It feels like the issue is physical--that what's dragging me down is a physical issue. So all I can really do is hope that my current pursuits help me get the physical issues be...less of them.

It's not much of a plan, I know.

I'm not sure what to do to be honest.

​Just trying my best to try my best.

I wanted to make a blog where I elaborated, but ran out of time, so I guess you get the basic copy-paste version.

So the more I think about last night, the more terrifying it becomes.
For however brief a period it might have been...I think I died last night.

I was in the middle of dreaming, when abruptly, the 'dream' shifted. Suddenly, it was the middle of the night, and I was outside, staring at a masked figure.
I knew this masked figure brought death. To get any closer, I would die.
I couldn’t move at all. I was frozen in place. I knew I was on some level terrified, but I wasn’t scared, because I couldn’t feel any emotion at all. There was just numbness, numbness to everything. The fear wasn’t emotional or physical, as much as mental. Not because I wasn’t scared physically or emotionally, but rather, because I couldn’t be scared physically or emotionally. There was a disconnect between my mind and what I was perceiving, and my body where such feelings/emotions come from. I was separated from my ability to feel anything.

Unable to move, helpless to do anything while staring at the figure of death, I did the only thing I could: I screamed. Over and over again, I screamed. I was screaming for my sister to come help me. But she couldn’t, because my scream was muted. My scream was out loud, but it was still silent. My scream didn’t reach her. Nobody could hear me, despite them being right there. I was helpless, defenseless, Unable to do anything but continue screaming into the void, despite the terror of knowing nobody could hear me.

Then, suddenly, I awoke. At first, I couldn’t move or process anything. I was standing over my body, rather than being inside of it, so I wasn’t able to feel things immediately.

Once I did?
First thing I noticed: My heart was beating rapidly.
My first instinct was it did so in response to the nightmare.
But then I noticed something:
You know how when you have circulation cut off to a limb, then have it return?
Your limb becomes numb due to the lack of circulation, and the return of circulation creates a tingling sensation throughout the limb.
I had that, except instead of one or two of my limbs, it was ALL of them. Both arms, both legs. In fact, head to toe, there was the exact same sensation: the feeling of circulation having been cut off, and gradually returning to normal.
One or two limbs losing circulation could be body position of having accidentally cut off circulation.
What could cause the entire body to lose circulation?
What could result in the entire body having a loss of blood circulation?
I have an idea, and it is terrifying if true.

In this state, I also became aware of the entity in my room acting unusual.
My room is haunted, and the spirit there is normally pretty cheerful. A bit playful, joyous, and likes to mess around. Just kinda vibes, is chill, but likes to mess with people.

This presence was freaking out.
This, normally playful spirit, a carefree entity who is slightly mischievous but ultimately harmless?
Was freaked out, and obviously panicking.

What could cause a benign spirit who normally just chills and occasionally messes with things, to start freaking out like that?

At the time, I just wanted to get back to sleep, so I tabled processing everything until today.
Now that I have, though, I am terrified.

I’ve had close calls previously, but nothing quite like THIS before. I think that, for however brief of a period, I actually died last night. Clinically/medically, at least.
Obviously, I was revived.
But I still feel like that everything together was not just me having a bad dream, then making stuff up after.
I legit think it was something far more real and horrifying.


I don't really feel like even going through the process of making the above be formatted properly, since I'm late for bed as-is, but suffice to say:
Scary stuff.

I've received various theories.
Could be a heart attack, which doctors can check for. (Need to bring it up.)
Could be sleep paralysis.
I've got a bunch to sort through but I ran out of time today.
Tomorrow's a long work day, and I've got counseling, so that'll limit my free time severely.

But I def need to pursue this, because it's not okay to leave as-is.