Well, in real life, anyway.

Four months without blogging should give you an idea of where my head has been; not great.

New, at the latest, coming out day: April 26th, 2022. That's a loose estimate, but an apt one, because I've worked on things a couple times or so, and this is what I loosely mathed it out to be, approximately.

​In addition to wanting to get back into blogging, I also want to clean up some other aspects of my life. Things will not get better unless I make them better.
Short list:
-Stay more on top of blogging
-Stay more on top of my emails (need to do this)
-Stay more on top of brushing my teeth (oof this is not going well)
-Actually do work on a project during times that I have felt 'bored' rather than wasting the time.

Now is one such time. I'm not feeling league/tft right now, I'm minecrafted out for the day, I am actually staying on top of mafia stuff (aside from tracking the queue forum), so now is the perfect time.

Well, admittedly.

I've lost two hours since I started that...

...But it was a really productive two hours, as I managed to sort almost all of my stuff on my desktop.

I'm still not sure what I will work on.

I'm thinking of attempting to write in a google doc the Phyrra and Cyrus loose script for the animation (which should be here in the notes written down what I did get done before), since I still remember my loose idea for every episode. I should also be able to find the notes reminding me of each episode's name.

It'll take a little bit of time to do, but hopefully I'll make progress.

Wish me luck on my endeavors!

​I definitely need it...

Let's see. Original date, January 23rd 2023.
Missed Friday, that's January 22nd.
Missed Saturday, that's January 21st.
Missed Sunday, that's January 20th.
Missed Monday, that's January 19th.
Probably going to miss today, moving it to January 18th.

Oof.

I want to be a better person. I want to change to be the person I want to be. But it is so...so hard to change, when you're so, so sick in so many ways.

The ironic thing is.

On Thursday night, I made an impulsive whim of a decision: "tomorrow, I am going to buy the clothing I want to wear, provided I can wash it away from home"--a provisional big HUGE leap forward, one incredibly risky. Would require me to wear my coat at all times and pants as well, to not make it obvious, but I was willing to take that risk, if I could prevent the clothing from being gross.

Again, like I said, willing to field the bill for the clothing if I could wash them, and also field the bill for a laundromat, etc. I was willing to take that big huge gigantic risk...

...And then I got sick.

Really, really sick.

Yesterday, spent all of it waiting to be tested by the doctor. I don't have a bacterial infection in the chest (still possible to have one in throat/nose tho), and they tested me for two strands of the flu which came up negative (obviously, could be a different strand they didn't test for), and then they tested for the coronavirus, still waiting for those results (will get them in 1-3 days).

Can say--today I do feel mostly better, but that does have a caveat to it.
Every single day, I thought I was better...and then I ended the day being worse, much much worse, than the day before. So, could always get much much much worse again, but today, legit just feeling much much better.

I haven't felt feverish--admittedly, haven't checked even though I probably should, but that's good.
I'm barely coughing and it's back to being a dry cough--good.
I still have a sore throat, but it's much closer to being the sore throat I had on the first day, barely noticeable.
The main thing is a bad headache which no amount of drinking water (and it's definitely not caffeine withdrawal either) can fix. Tylenol helps to mitigate it tho.

Overall, most of my symptoms aren't there, or are much lower.

Again.
Can, and have, taken turns for the worse before when I thought I was getting better.

But, cautiously optimistic!

Anyway.
Still feeling terrible.
There's so many things I want to do.
And due to my sickness.
So many things I can't do.
​It's just...very frustrating.

Pretty notably so.
I've been doing things every single day for Phyrra and Cyrus, but...just...
...Not today. Not while I'm this sick.

​This isn't what I meant when I said extenuating extreme circumstances though--so this will cost me a day, moving my hardest of hard coming out day to January 22nd. First failure, and less notable of a date. OH WELL. I am making the choice and honestly given being sick, I don't think it a bad one.

Some of it, catching up on life stuff.
Some of it, doing gaming stuff. Minecraft, League, TFT.
I also went to the dentist.
Unfortunately, it's something like three strikes you're out.
Last year, I had bad teeth, but passed.
Six months ago, I had the worst teeth, but passed.

Today, I was told I had less plaque than I did last time--which is good!
...Except there was one confirmed cavity with three other possible cavities.
Which is worse.

It'd be better to have no cavities and the worst plaque ever, than to have far less plaque than normal yet have cavities.

So, could be worse--but also could be much, much better.

I did get some pointers though.
I noticed that when I was brushing my teeth, in spite of brushing the front of my teeth, I wasn't getting the gums, particularly on the front four or so teeth particularly the top ones (which incidentally are where the cavity/cavities are). I was also advised to lightly brush against them rather than scrub them--scrubbing the gums apparently can actually hurt them. Since my response to realizing I wasn't brushing there was to do precisely that, scrub them...this helps!

Basically, on my own, I realized (far, far too late) I was not doing things right...but my correction wasn't helpful, and the dentist gave me a better way to do it. Said correction and advice still came too late to prevent the cavity/cavities, but it was something which was useful to have, for future reference.

Consequences of not taking proper care of myself, even if not conscious.

​Ah well.

...Not a very good one mind you but it'd have been a bit lengthy.
But I had a long workday followed by dance and even if I didn't.
I've been dead tired all day for god only knows what reason.
And I have work tomorrow anyway.
And it is surprisingly, alarmingly, late.
So I am going to go to bed.

It wasn't really a good blog entry in my opinion anyway. Would've been lengthy, sure, but just me rambling on some more nonsense.

I strongly suspect that I am heavily depressed and perhaps a bit sick. I'm really not motivated to do the things I should be doing; all I feel like doing is playing games and watching things and even there I am horrifically behind on everything. Like, it was only today that I watched RNG versus Fnatic and there's still like five matches I need to watch...and guess what? By the time I am up tomorrow, there will be plenty more.

​I suck.

The one I failed yesterday. Turns out there's one spot, an area, where even just walking...I have a lot of trouble breathing. The air is robbed from my lungs for whatever reason. We can speculate what it is all we'd like, but it's there, and it's a thing.

I told my teacher about it, saying that I could probably train myself to overcome it, maybe, hopefully, more or less. (I probably didn't sound too convincing. How could I? Knowing the area there's a problem, and knowing that there IS a problem, doesn't mean you know how to fix it, it just means you know there's a problem in an area.)

She offered the alternative of testing on a treadmill.

I feel like that's cheating--but I don't really have much choice other than to accept it, because with me as I am now...this is probably my only shot at it. Frankly. I don't think I will get any physically stronger. I'll be going the other way. Weaker and weaker with time.

I know that I can do it on the treadmill. The test is a nine minute mile pace, scaled up: 1.75 miles in 16:15. Now treadmills work in MPH, but if Google's translation metric works out as accurate (turns out I'm not the only one needing to convert "X minute mile" to MPH or for that matter KPH), then 7 MPH would be more than enough.

Six, while it is supposed to be "running" according to the treadmill, is basically a jog for me.
Seven is a slight run. Slight. But it can be done easily.

The most problematic parts of using a treadmill: the sheer boredom of 15 minutes of monotony, combined with the instability whenever I climb off of one. I can be walking at 2 MPH--WALKING--for FIVE MINUTES, and feel dizzy when stepping down from them.

But while these things are things that are annoying, they're manageable. They can be dealt with.
So I can do it.
I can pass.

Even if the method of passing feels like cheating.

And, yes.
I do know that I could've made the run on the normal course if not for that area taking all my breath out.
When I did the walk, I did it in 26:15. Ten minutes higher than the target time, but I was walking. Walking, at half the speed I'd be running. If you halved that time, you'd get the estimated time of what I should be capable of doing the run in. 

Using the treadmill, then, almost, almost feels unnecessary. Almost. But...I only have the one chance to pass now. One last shot at passing. And I refuse to fail it when I know that I am capable of passing it. Mental fatigue can make me think "I can't do this". But I felt my body.

My legs were fine. When I stopped because I couldn't breathe, they became like lead weights and today they are sore, but in no way shape or form was I unable to use them at the necessary level.
My arms were fine.
The only problem was my lungs, and it was only in the one area.
So I know I can do it especially if bypassing that area via using a treadmill.

I do need to constantly reinforce the facts. Tell myself the math. Tell myself all the pieces of the equation which I know are there. Tell myself "You can do this Bree". Point out all the reasons why I should be able to do it. And then quash the "who am I kidding, I can't do this" doubt which comes up. Push through it, say, "Yes, I absolutely can do it", realize I can make it, that I can pass. That's all I need to do.

And while i admit. That mental state isn't easy to achieve.
I know I can do it.
I will do it.
​I have to.

And I am going to be in hell because I am sick​. Hoh boy am I sick.

I had a really, really, really lengthy blog planned for today. As much about family stuff as I could think of (the guy who fell is fine, by the way, thankfully enough), but also a lengthy blog about a couple of things I've been toying around with. As a reminder, we leave tomorrow. We're supposed to be gone by 10 local time (which is 8 my time), which means being clear before then which means eating breakfast, packing, and leaving before then. Probably in six or so hours by my guess.

I wanted to stay up for like four of said hours, so I thought I had the time to blog here--even when going on the best date with my girlfriend as is humanly possible given the circumstances (no sound available to me). But while I want to sleep as much as is humanly possible on the trip tomorrow...I'm not sure I can pull it off. I'm fighting off the urge to sleep as is, and have been since before midnight.

Kinda sucks. I feel like in spite of not having set my watch to local time (I've deliberately kept it at my time). In spite of going to bed after midnight my time (which is after 2 am local time) and waking up as late as was humanly practical. That somehow, in spite of me taking every precaution against it. My body has acclimated to the new timezone and is treating this as 2:45 instead of 12:45.

That, or being sick leads to tiredness and tiredness leads to continued sickness and sickness leads to more tiredness...

Butstill. I shouldn't be falling asleep so easily so early. And yet here I am, struggling to stay awake.

Oh well.

Won't get the blog I wanted to give and given my track record, doubt I ever will. But it's the thought which counts.

A common traveler pitfall. Normally, you'd associate said pitfall with flights; they are known to be the breeding ground of the perfect recipe of bacteria. Environment's right even if they sanitize everything...and they sanitize nothing. But most of those conditions? Still apply to traveling in a car across half the country in 28 hours' time continuously. So it should be no surprise that I am siiiiiiick.

Annoyingly enough. My vitamin C pill's one of the few pills I did not bring. It's a pill I don't take daily, but have at home to take whenever I suspect sickness, to help shorten the duration of it and the strength of it. Normally have it; today I do not. So the only treatment I have is time...and in this foreign environment, not the best of things there, either, considering we leave on Monday. 

All in all, socializing seems to be so-so at this event. I was miserable when I had to constantly run from the smokers, but later in the day that proved to be less of a problem. There was an incident at the gathering, though. One of the steel benches tipped over after a couple sat down on them...and they went down with the bench. The guy hit his back hard, as well as bumping his head on the back of another nearby bench.

I am trained to respond to spinals, even on land. This was a textbook spinal. But I felt powerless to help him. The extent of my training for spinals, after all, is pretty much "stabilize the spine, and wait for EMS to arrive for them to take over care". There's a little more to it than that, asking questions and whatnot, monitoring the patient, and so on and so forth, butstill. In practice, I didn't feel like I could do much.

After EMS came, he declined to go to the hospital eventually, but some time after they left, other family members there managed to talk him into it. A good thing, too, because while I can't diagnose him for certain...he was showing symptoms of something being wrong. Possibilities include having suffered from a heart attack (possible if the sudden impact caused a type of ventricular fibrillation), or more likely in my opinion, shock...a possible body response to internal bleeding (something an EMS responder might not notice but which they would probably see at the hospital).

When the injury happened, while he remained conscious, initially, he couldn't talk; his hands seemed to not be able to make full motion; he was incredibly shaky; he was sweating profusely; he later said that he was having trouble breathing. Like I said, my contribution was mostly minimal, in strongly recommending to go to the doctor, helping him out, monitoring him between the time EMS left and he was talked into going, the like, but I still feel like I should've been more decisive, more helpful, voiced my opinion on things to someone who could relay it on, something more than what little I did.

Ultimately, I know it doesn't matter much; he still ended up going to the hospital, there was a hospital less than five minutes away so I'm pretty sure he's got good treatment, there's probably nothing I could have done which would have helped him more than he got help especially given his initial stubbornness (he really didn't want to go to the hospital and my training basically tells me to respect patient's wishes so I am trained to not try and push them, more or less), but it still makes me feel kinda like a fraud.

I've got training in first aid. I've got training in how to deal with spinals, and deal with spinals at every staff meeting. (Speaking of which, there was one today that I couldn't attend for obvious reasons. I'm considering cheekily/half-jokingly telling my supervisors that in spite of not having been at the staff meeting I still got practice in spinals.) But if that training doesn't allow me to help someone when it's actually happening for real outside of training...it's kinda disheartening. 

I was asked afterwards since I was the closest one to the incident and saw it unfold start to finish if I was okay, the expected concern being that as a witness I'd be traumatized. The trauma isn't in the event having happened; I am trained for things like that happening. The trauma is in knowing I am trained and yet feeling like a bystander who is untrained. Which makes me feel like a failure, to be honest.