Basically it's something which isn't getting worse but hasn't gone away yet, so I do need to carefully monitor that. I'm still recovering in all aspects of my life, really, but slowly yet surely I am getting there.
I mean when you need to go to bed relatively early for work, and you got out of bed at like 5 PM, there's not exactly a lot of time to do stuff. It also doesn't help that I am still going in and out of legit sickness. Not once have I coughed. I'm not even having a runny nose. Most of the time I don't even have a sore throat, but I am at times (mostly, when I wake up and when I go to bed with it disappearing in the middle of the day) having it. My voice hasn't changed, and while I'll occasionally get a stutter in speaking from an unnaturally dry throat, otherwise I'm fine.
Basically it's something which isn't getting worse but hasn't gone away yet, so I do need to carefully monitor that. I'm still recovering in all aspects of my life, really, but slowly yet surely I am getting there.
I was scheduled for basically a full 8-hour work day! Now, granted. You need to clock out to have a mandatory half-hour lunch break before working five hours, and my boss let me go home half an hour early so it was only seven hours, BUTSTILL. IMPRESSIVE ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR MORNING COFFEE. (I did get plenty at work but it's just not the same as coffee at home, yaknow?)
Work was cold.
But I managed.
I deliberately rather than accidentally wasn't productive at a couple of times, but that was mostly because I was taking time to myself which I felt I needed if for no other reason my sanity.
The blood draw thingy was also today. Now, if I was supposed to fast...nobody informed me of this fact. And the doctor didn't ask when I last ate, either. So if I was supposed to, it's their fault for not asking/telling me to. Prior times have in fact required it. I was kinda sorta close to the minimum time. I ate at like 11:30 and the blood draw thingy was at like 6:30 and it's somewhere around 8 hours minimum so that's not too terribly far from the mark, butstill wasn't technically fasting so if I needed to be...OH WELL.
I also considered doing a long-winded ramble on Majesty today, but I got that urge out of my system. (It felt good to do even though I felt like it went much better in my head and was more complete in my head than what I gave. But at least I gave visual aids!) So that's been my day.
Tomorrow: psychiatrist appointment, then work later. I imagine I'll have plenty of nap time. Nap time when I am woken up, nap time when I'm in the car (I always sleep on the drive down), nap time when on the way back (I always sleep on the way back), and even nap time between the appointment and work.
Will it be enough to keep sickness at bay...we'll find out!
Tomorrow may or may not be a family night. Kinda sorta hoping not, actually, since that'd give me more free time, but if so, ah well. I'm still doing a fair amount. Maybe not as much as I'm supposed to, but a fair bit!
...Now if you don't mind. This blog post might seem a bit broken and disjointed. And that's because when writing it I desperately need sleep.
Work was actually pretty good. I didn't quite get as much work done as I was hoping to and felt bad for it, but I was making use of almost all the time I was given. (I did "waste" some time to get a fair amount of coffee, drink some coffee, and make one or two bathroom breaks, in addition to a fair amount of time aimlessly wandering, and/or waiting for things to happen which were going to happen but hadn't happened yet, and/or having timing not line up in what I have to offer vs. reality. Small stuff, not deliberate, just what happens.)
During my lunch break, I got my sub. Subtracted: I suspect like three or so of the sauces I'd normally add, since they simply weren't there be it from shortage or deliberate design (i.e., not carrying them at least at that branch anymore). Added: the option to toast veggies with the sub (something they used to do but for the longest time hadn't offered so I'm glad it's back because I like to roast onions), and bacon. (The bacon costs extra but I believe does add a lot.)
I also nailed my graveyard drink. Perfect balance of flavor, just the right level of sweetness and other mixtures of various flavors. It even had ever so slightest the amount of fizz, though if my formula needed any improvement it was in the amount of fizz to add since the bubbly taste was a bit weaker than preferable. That being said, too weak is better than too strong. I have nothing against carbonated beverages. My formula makes heavy usage of them, and I drink coke all the time, not to mention cider.
...But carbonation just has a timing to it, if that makes sense. Certain times feel better to have carbonation than other times, and when I am having my sub, I don't really want it. At least not strongly. I also don't want a sweetness overload. Not too sweet, but not too bland. A little heavy in sugars, but not enough to overwhelm my mouth. And mostly, I was successful in that regard.
The formula I use is filling the very bottom of the cup with half (if that) a dash of ice (enough to interact with the liquid, but not to dilute the flavor/taste of said liquids), about three dashes of lemonade, two dashes of tea, a dash of Sprite, a dash of Root Beer, two dashes of some fruity vitamin water thingy, a dash and a half or so of cherry coke, maybe one or two others similarly in small doses, then extras for the lemonade (most), tea (second-most), and fruity vitamin water thingy (third), with the occasional boost to the cherry coke if I think I need the extra there. Not an exact science, sadly.
Anyway, after that came tae kwon do. The new kids we have you'd never know were new. Last class, it was painfully obvious that the newbies were newbies in many different ways. Some kids were better than others and by the end most had gotten a grasp on the concept, but overall the new kids were not really good listeners and it showed. This class, however, the new kids perform exceptionally. They are doing as well as the class after them, made up of students who have been at this a while and arguably are even more successful at actually progressing.
So it went pretty well there. Up until near the end of the adult class, where my knee suddenly started hurting. This is not a consistent pain, where it is always hurting. This is not a pain where I know what triggers it. It's a pain which isn't around...until suddenly, randomly and inconveniently, it is. I first noticed it when I got the shin injury and attributed it to being from said shin injury, but now I'm pretty sure that's not the case; the pain is from the knee joint itself.
My teacher also noticed what I have long-since dubbed my lazy eye. (Yeah I know that's a real term; I know that my usage of the term has absolutely nothing to do with the real term.) It's when one of my eyes is very, very, very visibly red. I'm pretty sure it's a result of a dry eye, since the eye will be irritated, I will want to keep it closed more often, sluggish, a nuisance, and utterly random. Almost always just one eye, more often the left than the right.
It's not at all an uncommon occurrence coming from me but it still raised my teacher's concern, albeit only to the point of some questions and a suggestion to go drink some water. (Because I forgot to hydrate myself throughout the day for the most part--I meant to, but I just legitimately didn't remember at any point to drink water like I normally would.)
When I came home, I learned that we had a mass-extermination again. This time by turning all the lights in the house off except those in the kitchen, and spraying the hell out of it with bugspray. There's still a few remaining, but it did seem to work. (Concerns have been raised as to the wisdom of this action, but my family seems to believe after talking out the details of the action that this is safe enough to have done.)
Since then I got to hear a number (albeit not all) of my younger sister's stories about her experiences during the Humans vs. Zombies minigames she's participated in. She's actually one of the more competent players around from my understanding and at one point I believe was even scouted to join one of the better teams in existence. (I don't know the details there, like if she accepted or not. I know in her old team she was second-in-command.) She's shared how her team wins a fair number of games or comes close to winning a number of games, so she tends to know what she's doing for the most part.
She also made my dinner tonight: spaghetti. Was delicious.
I'm also on the verge of sickness--I'm not sick right now, I can tell that I'm not because I know when I'm sick and what me being sick is like and this isn't me being sick, but I am in pseudosickness, which has much the same symptoms of sickness and in fact can directly lead TO sickness if not treated. The treatment for pseudosickness is high-quantities of high-quality sleep, meaning all I really need to do is actually go to bed.
Which, in my defense, I had a decent plan for yesterday. I just was negligent in checking a text asking me to work two hours earlier in the day, which pushed me from having "reasonable amount of sleep" into "sleep deprived for three days in a row". I could easily make that four given that I have a meeting tomorrow if I'm not careful about when I go to bed.
Though that said, this...might not go very well.
I was expected to fill out paperwork.
The link they gave me to fill out the paperwork...
...Didn't actually work.
This email was sent some time today, and I was at work all of today, so I didn't get to tell my recruiter this until tonight, meaning that I won't get an answer until tomorrow...if then. Which is obviously an issue. I believe the appointment is at 10:00, but I don't remember for sure; I believe it's in Everett but I don't know for sure and wouldn't be able to confirm any address 100%; I DEFINITELY know that the paperwork will be a pain in the ass.
All for something I may not even go through with.
It's experience. Not the most pleasant of experience, but experience all the same!
My parents have been gone for well over a week at this point. Now there are some things that we kids (by which I mean, mostly my sister) can handle in the house on our own. But we can't handle everything. Or at least, we really really really don't want to.
But right now it's increasingly looking like we might be forced to.
I ran out of my fiber supplement as of tonight. I may be able to locate a replacement if we have some in the house. Even if not, while perhaps not as rich of a source I can find ways to get fiber in my diet. (In fact I already have done so by largely switching to a cereal-based diet.)
...But we're also low on other essentials. Orange juice. Milk, down to our last container. Bread. And so on and so forth. Things which might require...gasp...SHOPPING in order to fix. Us. Kids. Shopping. Or doing the lazy bachelor route and learning to live without these things by simply adapting to go without.
In that regard, not having parents around kinda sucks.
But oh well, we'll manage.
This isn't anyone's fault. Nothing recent triggered it. I don't think it was even the death of my grandfather. Rather, it was just me not noticing until today and putting the pieces together. Basically, several signs and symptoms were there. I've had a lowered appetite. It's gotten to the point where when I get up I don't feel like I can eat--it takes a couple of hours before I feel like I can stomach food. And this is a couple of hours after I actually am in fact out of bed.
Because when I say "get up", I mean "get out of bed", not "wake up". I'm waking up, then going back to sleep. To some extent, this can be attributed to me wanting to retreat inside the dreams. (Inside the dreams, the closest I had to drama was a farmboy/farmgirl protagonist that could talk to animals ranting at a Cruella DeVille lookalike that was part of a corporate conglomerate who had accidentally slain a couple of animals during a tour and was rather callous about it.)
I just. Have felt a desire to retreat within the dream world and not face the reality, not face the world and wake up. I've been sleepy easily no matter how much rest I've gotten. I've slept for hours more than I should, then extra hours. I've been feeling incredibly lonely, needy, and yet also a mess. A bunch of stuff jumbled together. Basically I'm not exactly in a good condition.
And it took me until today to realize, but this has to have been going on for quite a while.
You win some, you lose some.
And this is one I am most definitely losing.
Not much I can do other than weather the storm.
Well, we arrived! Not that saying that really matters, since my blog readers can't actually read this until I get back home and post it given that, as per the norm, there is no internet here whatsoever. (Though, god I hope I can connect to weebly when I get back home. I'm recording my blog on my laptop and it'd be a pain to transfer things over.)
The line between yesterday and today is a little bit blurry, since I did in fact pull an all-nighter. A significant portion of said night was spent trying to troubleshoot problems on my computer with one of my girlfriends. (I owe them both time when I return, which will be hell to schedule. I'll have mafia, I'll have game stuff, I'll have work on Sunday, so I'll be juggling at minimum five different things. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though in that I will see what their schedules are and see if we can set dates up. Preferably in the plural. <3)
Other than trouble-shooting problems on my computer, let's see...well, today began with my main contact line with one of my girlfriends (the same one I was doing tech support with) malfunctioning, cutting me off from them prematurely. (Which sucked since I didn't get to say goodbye to either of my girlfriends. I wanted to, but I was so busy trying to fix the problem and also trying to rush out the door that I didn't get the opportunity to do so directly. I hope that all of my texts went through at the very least. Not ideal, but better than nothing.)
It also began with me reading my blog entry from yesterday and compiling my stuff. I did so, but I was a little scatterbrained. This actually caused me to be the reason we left as late as we did, at 8 rather than 7:45. (Normally I'm the first ready.) Ah well.
We drove part of the way, then we realized we forgot something our dad had specifically asked us to bring (a gun or two, out of concern for potential looters reading the obituary I think? Something along those lines), so had to retrieve it. This meant we ended up being half an hour late to arrive at my brother's place, 9 instead of 8:30.
From there, it was basically smooth sailing. We took the western route (less smoke and less travel time), stopping at our usual gas station and that was our only stop the entire trip.
There, I had for the first time in my life Carl's Jr. Specifically, I had the...what was it called...something Western Double Baconburger. It was absolutely DELICIOUS, and a good meal especially since (aside from coffee) I had been on an empty stomach prior to then. (I KNOW! BAD HABIT BUT I WAS PRESSED FOR TIME OKAY.)
There might be more but I can't recall anything really significant. I slept a fair amount of the way. It mighta been in-and-out of consciousness type sleeping, but it was enough. Total drive time ended up being basically 8 hours I think.
Since arriving here, well, I've got basically zilch in terms of cell service. I've sent texts to both my girlfriends. As of this entry I'm reasonably sure one girlfriend got the texts but the other girlfriend I'm not so sure about. I'll have to see what I can do tomorrow to get in contact with them. Isolation sucks. I don't want to not be here. (I actually want to be here.) But at the same time. I don't want to be cut off from the ones I love and I effectively am right now. I can vaguely kinda sorta maybe reach them but it's spotty, sketchy, and yeah. The usual unpleasantries.
I've unpacked my stuff, and am getting ready for bed. We did have food when we got here, bacon burgers, which were even better than the fast food joint's versions in my opinion. Additionally, we did our usual Cards games: a round of Hearts, and a round of Golf.
As per the usual, in Hearts I got second place, losing to the usual winner of my older sister. (My younger sister lost.) I did pull off a shoot-the-moon once to get there, which my older sister was not amused about.
In Golf, however: I never lost a single round. As in. Quite seriously, never once in our ten rounds was I last place. The problem was, I was rather consistently THIRD place, and fourth place was INconsistent. Meaning while I never once racked up the most points, I racked up enough points on a consistent basis (rather than inconsistent) that I got last. I wasn't even playing badly! I just had a lot of bad luck. Actually, I had a lot of good luck. Lots of times I had like two cards left to flip at endgame and they ended up as being aces or jacks or the like.
...Yet getting scores like 22 (when last is 27), 13 (when first is 8 and last is 17), and so on and so forth...means that basically. When I did well everyone else did well (so when I had good luck it didn't do me any good); when I did poorly someone else may have done worse, but it was a different someone else every single time. (There, my younger sister won by seven points. I lost third by a similarly narrow margin, but there was an insurmountable gap between third and second.)
Really, when you're dealt like a queen, a king, and a ten in a hand...and you consistently are drawing cards like a 7 or 8 or 9...and the person next to you before you is drawing like 5 or 6...and the person AFTER you is drawing a disproportionately high number of 2s, 3s, and aces...what can you do? I had very bad hands and I was given very bad methods of fixing them. My siblings were given okay hands and given good ways to fix bad hands for the most part. There's some skill involved, but Golf has a lot more luck to it than Hearts does.
Butyeah. That's the evening pretty much. There's probably more but I can't remember anything extra. Tomorrow's the funeral so expect another long entry!
And today has been a long, interesting day. It started with me waking up early to a noise I suspect was an animal, and deciding to sleep for as long as I could afford. (This may have contributed to why I forgot about my coffee.) With my nap finished, I went about signing the paperwork I needed to, eating breakfast, and getting ready to leave.
It turned out we arrived early, though I needed to use a bathroom and yet the office was locked for lunch. Fortunately, there was a Starbucks nearby and I used the facility there. Since using the facility of a place you don't actually use the service of is bad form (if it's even allowed at all), I bought the smallest iced mocha they had (I don't know sizes that well--12 ounce?), which was acceptable at a little under $5.
We arrived just in time for the place to be open, allowing for an earlier appointment and processing of paperwork. While there in the lobby, I discovered my water bottle inside of my shoebag might have had a slight leak, but the hope of mine is that the lid just came slightly off of what it should be and that it's now fixed. (Otherwise I'm gonna have a wet shoebag since I put it back in.)
We also met a couple of old ladies who, by coincidence, I later saw entering a completely different building in an entirely different city down the line. (We went to Snohomish after our appointment in Everett--we were there for my dad to buy cider for tonight; presumably, they were there to pick up an antibiotic of some kind but since I was in the car when I spotted them later I couldn't exactly hear them conversing.)
Anyway, as for the actual appointment: I told the assistant the problem with my feet. Getting new orthodics was a secondary purpose behind the visit, with the primary reason to be taking care of the pain, which I described in some level of detail, and also gave the length of time this had happened and how it was getting worse rather than better in spite of me doing less and less.
The foot doctor when he came in kept the actual analysis of my feet very brief. He did take a look at me and ask me a few questions (namely, whether I wore shoes inside of my house; I do not), and came to a rather quick conclusion. He made an unusual suggestion: for me to buy specialized shoes that I could wear inside, comfortable yet offering support, more or less.
Presumably, he believes the problem to be how much I walk around barefooted. And to be fair, he's probably right. I was told that he is a really, really good foot doctor if you tell him everything and while directly to his face I didn't quite get the chance I did divulge I'm pretty sure all the important information to his assistant who should then have carried the info on to him, so he should know everything.
More than that, I know from personal experience how much he'd be right. I walk on the pool deck as part of work. I walk in my house all the time. I am really really really fond of pacing back and forth to the point of it being instinctual. I stand a lot and so on and so forth--even cutting down on such things I still do them often. So if he says that those special shoes should help, he's probably correct.
The rest of the visit was spent on the secondary concern, my orthotics. I got them years ago, so there was the concern both that my feet could have changed/grown and that the orthotics could have worn down. He didn't really give me a verbal answer about the state of my feet (he did give my feet a lookover at least a couple of times so he was examining my feet meaning he was looking at things and not relying on just my verbal description), but did confirm that the orthotic--while mostly okay--was beginning to have the arches degrade. (A problem since I have high-arch feet.)
So we took scans of my feet which will be used to craft a new orthotic in 2-3 weeks, something I anticipate will be placed in my new shoes. In the mean time, we've got this other special shoe which I can't remember the name of to buy, which will hopefully help me out. (It was described to me as being completely rubber, and like a sandal, except something else. I don't quite remember what the 'something else' was, but I was told there are two variants, one which goes between toes and another which has a strap over the feet; the version with a strap over the feet can be worn with socks.)
Basically it's something I could wear on the pool deck, at home, and other various places. What exactly it'd be, not quite sure but we have a coupon at a certain store for the product so it shouldn't be that hard for me to actually get what I need since we can once at that store if it's not immediately obvious just ask an attendant essentially and from there get guidance to what I do need.
When this will happen, don't know exactly. But while I didn't get any hard answers from the podiatrist, I think that following his advice has an actually-realistic chance of helping. I'll have a baseline for what is and isn't working as well when we get the shoe and the orthodic. Worst-case scenario where the pain doesn't go away, we go back, explain the issue is still there, and tell him how long it's been since we tried his solution.
We'll just have to wait and see I guess. Hopes are high. It's something we'll have to look into. But anyway. Tonight was family night. My sister came, so it was all five of us who're in this state--my mom is, of course, still visiting her family. I don't know how long that will last exactly; I think a week and a half or so but I also don't remember when exactly she left (it was in the middle of a date with one of my girlfriends, at 3 AM), meaning I don't know when she'll be back.
But anyway. We ended up watching the film Fargo--it was pitched to us as being a comedy. From a...certain...point of view, you could say that was true. But I was skeptical it'd be something my family would enjoy because I was pretty sure it wasn't really actually a comedy. (They agreed with my assessment after the film.) My vote was for The Lion King (believe it or not, not actually my suggestion!), but I got outvoted and overruled, so I just sighed and went along with it.
Ironically enough I was probably the member of the family who got the most enjoyment out of the film because to me it was okay (just not great), whereas the rest of the family had an active dislike of it. There were many a comments of "We should have gone with The Lion King", and even "Shawn of the Dead was better, and Shawn of the Dead wasn't good". (Again, family consensus more than my own, though I have to admit much of the humor for that film is something I just wasn't enthused by since me not being from the United Kingdom a lot of the things which would enhance the viewing experience were lost on me.)
I liked Fargo enough to get addicted to a bit of a troping sprawl on the film actually, in that I had zero TVTropes tabs open prior to the film; over five hours later, I've reduced it down to five tabs open. (Admittedly most of those are short pages and none of them really link to anything I'd also add to the reading pile, butstill.) But I do admit, I would have preferred The Lion King for some personal bias reasons.
That being said, I think it was an okay film to have seen once. Past this point, definitely woulda gone The Lion King over it. (Though next time we've got this group I should remember to suggest the film Mastermind since that's a film I've wanted to watch ever since I first saw it advertised yet I keep on forgetting about its existence. Hey, they almost watched The Lion King, so why not?)
And yeah, that's pretty much been my day. With it being close to the time most people would start their Saturday, I should wrap my Friday up and go to bed. I'm at just about the point where my midnight coffee has worn out and I'm actually feeling sleepy. (Which makes sense since if I remember correctly, one of my family members remembers reading an article which stated that science had basically proven that coffee can disrupt sleep for five hours after consumption; it's been over five hours so the caffeine should no longer be impacting me, at least in theory. It certainly FEELS like it no longer is.)
From my understanding, my appointment with a podiatrist is tomorrow. Not a moment too soon, too, given the pain. Apparently it's rather convenient because my dad also has a need to visit there so we're both going but that's not really important. The important thing to note is...finally getting my foot looked at! Here's to hoping they can identify the problem and give me a solution.
And with it, my cell phone. Which was actually convenient, because I ended up needing it today to respond to my tae kwon do teacher. I let them know I couldn't make it to a planned workout on this Thursday thanks to a schedule conflict (I have dance), and also let them know that yes, my foot injury is being taken care of. (I mean it's getting much much much worse and I don't know the details and I keep on forgetting to ask about them but I know that it's not something which was forgotten and is being dealt with.)
Today I played Don't Starve Together with one of my girlfriends. We made it to day 21, and I survived 15 of those days. (I died once to something I can't remember; I died a second time to a treeguard who one-shotted me when I didn't even know the treeguard was targeting me since I thought it was targeting my girlfriend, and it took a while before a revival could be arranged.)
Winter had come, but that's not what did us in. We were inside our camp, but to our misfortune, a beefalo had wandered into said camp. A beefalo in heat. In. our. camp. Awake during times like the night. And in the winter. Where you can freeze to death even during the day time. It didn't help my mouse died on me right in the middle of said beefalo charging, but my girlfriend was charged at by the beast, and the beefalo is just as fast as the character; there was no escaping so she too was offed by, of all things, the beefalo.
It was pretty fun. The other noteworthy game out recently which I played today? The third part of Medieval Cop 8. I cannot express enough my love for that series. It just keeps on getting better and better. That's about all I can think of to comment on for today though. Does that mean nothing else happened, heck no, but it does mean I'm at a loss for what else to blog about.
And even if I had material I'm sleepy enough where it'd be best to call it a night.
I can't really describe why it's a little difficult because that'd be too personal even for this blog--yes. Too personal, to put on here. Yes that is a thing, and I am invoking it now in the rarest of the rare moments. I...just have been facing a rough road ahead. I wish I had something on a more lighthearted note to blog about.
You'd...actually be surprised how many times my blog-dodge entries are not because a lack of content, so much as a lack of good content. In this case, a lack of positivity. I really wish I had good news, that I had something not so bleak to say, but my life isn't all roses and sunshine so I can't always pretend it is.
Right now is hard. I have two strong loves, but I'm just so terrified I'm going to lose them. And I don't know how to stop myself from losing them. I love my girlfriends. More than anything else in the world. And I am scared right now that the positive feelings, that the happiness, the joy, the giddiness, the life, could be taken from us permanently right now. And I feel powerless to stop that.
I mean the idea sounds silly enough. It's irrational to think that bad times will stay bad, that the tough will never stop being tough. Yet if there's a way past the present...I haven't found it and I am at a loss. Love is...complicated. It works in ways we can't really comprehend. And sometimes, it can be cruel, when we are facing situations like this. Because the only thing worse than being hurt by anything is knowing your girlfriends would be hurt that you are hurt.
I'm scared. I feel like there's so much. I don't know what to do. I'm sure both of them will end up misinterpreting this because I'm not being clear and I know I'm not being clear and even if they ask me directly I don't think I'll be able to answer directly to them any better than I am doing now. Because the words aren't there. But. I want them. I want them both. I love them both, I want both in my life. And I don't want to lose them, nor do I want to lose myself. I just want to be happy, and I want both of them to be happy, and right now I'm not sure how to make them happy, I guess I'd say is what I'm getting at.
And isn't that the most scary thing of all? Not knowing how to give them what they need. But that's exactly where I am right now. Everything I've learned about relationships, I've learned from them. Yet now, I feel like I'm the one who needs to be a master of relationships in order to figure out how to make things work. Maybe this is silly. Maybe my fears, my concerns, are for nothing. Maybe my hopes, my dreams, of love conquering all, can persevere.
I want that. I hope for that. I cannot put into words just how much I believe in that idea. But I'm also terrified at a deep level that in reality I may never have my love be enough. My love is real. There was and never will be any doubt about that. What I doubt is whether having real love is enough to see us through the hardship, because literally all I can think about is "all you need is love", and praying 'Please John Lennon be right'.
Day by day, my emotions get stronger: my love grows. Yet day by day my fear of losing my girlfriends grows stronger because I am more and more knowing how much they mean to me and seeing how much they each are going through and knowing how little I can do to offer my help. I never know if I'm doing enough. I never know what's too much of something or what's too little. I'm just...clueless on everything outside of the emotion itself. I love them. That's about all I really know and can say.
I miss writing about rainbows and sunshine.
Just your average blogger.