Barring extreme extenuating circumstances, it is basically impossible for me to sleep until like 4-5 pm.

I will always wake up at or before like 2-3 pm.

So if I vibe too hard and stay up until 10 am, then I'm not going to get my target amount of sleep of 6-7 hours.

I'm trying to, as part of optimizing my life while being healthy, get the same amount of sleep consistently, and to keep it in that 6-7 hour range. Sometimes, I get less; sometimes, I may need a little extra. But overall, I'm aiming for 6-7 hours as the range.

I know that people need different amounts of sleep to be "healthy", and it's possible that 6-7 is too little, but while my aging body could have changed this, from experience I know that in the past, ~6-7 was(/is?) my ideal amount.

I can function off of less, but I get way more tired and am far more vulnerable to being sick.

But more sleep than that doesn't seem to make a difference. If anything, I think that it might be oversleeping.
I'm not feeling less tired by sleeping 8-10 hours.
I'm not feeling more healthy by sleeping 8-10 hours.
I'm not feeling better in any way shape or form in those 8-10 hour sleep sessions.

So like. If I'm not feeling better in that range, but I know that I feel worse on less than 6 hours of sleep, that means that the most optimal range where I feel the best is ~6-7 hours.

I'm also somewhat trying to get the times slightly closer together, albeit not so much a deliberate effort as much as it is, coincidentally happens to be needed.

Work is going to move to an hour earlier on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. And I need to take showers 3-4 times a week. It takes me 2-3 hours to shower and an additional 1-2 hours to prep for work so if I want time to work out (which I do), I need to get up an hour earlier.

I currently leave at ~12:45 - 1:30, so an hour earlier will be ~11:45 - 12:30. Which means that I need to get up 3-5 hours before that, meaning ~8 am for shower-work days and ~10 am for non-shower days. And since I get up at ~5 am on Thursdays and Sundays, this will bring my up-time to around the same time, within a few hours.

So that means more consistency across the board, which I think will be healthier overall.

Butyeah.

I'm mostly aiming for the same general area for sleep amount and get-up time although when I stream I will always be staying up later than normal.

Speaking of which, I kinda hate that every time I get into the streaming groove, real life kinda gets in the way.

​I can theoretically stream late late late on Sundays, but doing so is situational as it'd be after the streamer I watch finishes, and it'd be giving up on watching the LCO--I don't want that.
Ditto for Mondays.
Tuesdays, I theoretically can, but if I want to take a shower on Wednesday, then I can't do all three of {stream, get 6-7 hours sleep, shower}, so I'd be giving up on one of them, maybe two.
Wednesdays, I can't because I have work on Thursday mornings (tho this might be changing soon).
Thursdays, I might be able to fit in a bonus day stream, but it'd be short and would detract from nap time for a Thursday Night stream.
Saturdays, I theoretically can, but I use Saturdays as a rest day/chill day, and often there are streamers I want to watch.

​There's not many times I can stream, so the times I already do, are all I can do.

But far too often, even if I have the lucidity to stream and the physical energy to, real life is dictating I can't.

For instance, this upcoming week, I have things on both Friday and Saturday, which means no Thursday or Friday streams.

Which also means not doing story games like Final Fantasy VII or Chrono Trigger--even though I literally have finished doing the offline grinding that stopped me from progressing both of them.

I'm ready to stream them.

I just need the ability to stream them.

And it's frustrating that I can't pursue it.

​I do what I can tho.

I shout as I get up from my chair to leave for bed and turn the monitor off. (In my head obv, plurality thing.)

Since I don't wanna be late, gonna keep it quick.

Done things:
Am now stretching back;
Am increasing cardio;
Am now singing;
Am returning to posture/walking/etc. more feminine, on the horizon: talking too.

In my defense, I know what I was doing pretty much the entire time. Watching two streams, one of them 11 hours long, and after they finished, deciding to hop into ranked TFT a bit. Since the TFT matches took me almost 4 hours and the streams got me to 11 pm, well, that means nothing else got done today.

But, I do have plans for tomorrow.

A good, high-quality, long, shower.
Brushing my teeth.
Getting medication.
Weekly ranked League game.
And then a bunch of stuff on the mafia site, including asking if I can use a piece of art as an avatar, plurality stuff, and working on a couple of projects.

Will it all get done?

Well, probably not, especially given the streams tomorrow.

But, I gotta try.

I did a little bit of work on minecraft, but I admit that I largely did nothing, including continuing to not shower.

While the lack of personal hygiene is immensely disappointing, the lack of productivity is at least understandable since Saturdays are always a short day for me, anyway, and today I had the extra hurdle of a family night.

Ah well.

We'll have to hope for a better tomorrow.

I'm literally doing nothing with it.

The stars are aligning for me to have creativity.

So with everything going my way in terms of scheduling, I should be able to make something of it, right?

Right?

...As it turns out, no.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to stream today, so I didn't stream, in spite of promising that I would stream. I've gathered a lot more attention to myself in the last couple of months, so if I got back into streaming, there's a fairly high chance I'd have people actually show up, which would get me to my goals.

But to get to those goals I'd need to actually stream, and I didn't.

I even opened XSplit to stream.
I didn't stream tho.

I have wanted to write a twitter thread or blog post about why my handle on twitter is, in contrast to where it is everywhere else (rBree2), why my handle there is The_Descended. And how I have had the inspiration to work a lot on that. (Speaking of which, mental reminder to myself to not forget about the rules of ghost procreation and Aria's brother's true middle/last name and Aria's true middle/last name and how I did the math wrong on Aria's age.)

I have the idea to work on the characters page and the art there, and I know I can do it.

I just need to actually do it.

I've wanted to work more on the Civ 3 mod, but never have made the time for it.

I've wanted to beat the Time Devourer in Chrono Trigger, and even told myself I'd do that today. I didn't.

I've wanted to continue the grind in FFVII. I didn't.

I have a bunch of blogs that I want to make, and my notes keep on piling up.

From yesterday, we've got an RPG game that combines from at least nine different sources. (Dungeons & Dragons all, Adventure Quest + Dragon Fable classes/monsters, MARDEK RPG all parts, Epic Battle Fantasy all 5, Majesty 1/2 Heroes/Items/Monsters, Gauntlet Dark Legacy characters/items, SaGa 1/2/3 all, Chrono Trigger all, Final Fantasy all.)

I've got notes for The Descended, and a lot on Davos specifically.

Today I had something to do with plurality that I want to vent about.

I've got a mafia article to finish writing.

I've got a mafia game to finish designing.

I've got a Team Fortress 2esque Wild West game idea to talk about.
I've got a Demonic Possession J-RPG game idea to talk about.

I've got to record/make twitter posts that I have had for months.

I've got an ambitious story idea ideally told in manga form about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting where it's basically a Fantasy setting set in the far future where it's effectively Star Wars, but more fantasy, with magic instead of the force and Paladins instead of Jedi and Death Knights instead of Sith and Light Blades instead of Lightsabers.

I've got an ambitious world idea which combines aspects of Marvel, DC, and other comics, and yet puts my own unique spin/twist on them.

I've still got that Power Rangers ramble to make.

I've got stream stuff to do.

I've got a song to finish writing, then perform.

​I have a bunch of art stuff that I want to do, notably, an art piece of me to complete by the 25th, which will be the one-year anniversary of my having come out.

I need to ask someone who made a gift piece of art of me if it's okay to use/share elsewhere.

I have all of that to do, and so, so, so much more.

And yet I did none of that.

I did do a couple things. I checked medical stuff, which I needed to do.
I made progress in Castle 4-0 in minecraft.

But most of my day was spent wasting time on League of Legends.

Granted, I'm progressing Challenges quite nicely, and it's actually fun!

It's just that.

I'm literally at 4:15 am and counting, and have done...nothing.

I'm not living.

I'm not making good use of my time.

I'm not doing tangible work of any time, or progressing any of my goals.

I've done nothing.

And again.

The stars literally aligned to give me the free time to have a chance to accomplish something.

I'm never going to get a better chance than this.

And yet I squandered it.

I haven't even done hygiene!

It's a miracle I've not forgotten my medication, at this rate.

But like.

I have so so so much that I have the potential to accomplish.

I have done none of it.

Not even the very-important-thing of the IRS mail I received that's a big scary thing I need to talk to work HR about.

​And don't get me wrong.
I get it.

I'm depressed.
Badly so.

But the things I did today were largely me running away from my problems.

It's not that I did them to have fun.

I did them to escape from the responsibilities I have.
I knew it was for that purpose when I started them.
And I knew it after I finished them.

That I was in a bad slump, and needed to do something in that time because it's impossible to do truly nothing.
But my reaction to being in the slump was to do the things that are as close as I can get to doing nothing.
I knew that going in, and I know it after.

I knew I would regret it going in, and sure enough I regret it after.

Yes, I am genuinely having fun playing League.

But I know that it is the worst possible usage of my time.

I genuinely can't think of a worse usage of my time. I can't sleep to waste the amount of time that game wasted. I can't listen to streams, just streams, for the amount of time that game wasted. So like.

What could I do which would possibly be even less productive?

Literally nothing.

I chose the least productive thing to do, effectively just to kill my mind and just...well, I've ceased to function already due to the depression, but I gamed the worst waste of time just because I didn't want to do anything to counter the depression and did the activity which most feeds into the depression.

The depression is bad.

And I am doing nothing about it.

I've felt bored out of my mind in the last two days, but the truth of the matter is, I've rejected literally every opportunity I was given to do anything satisfying.

So I am left here to rot.

Because I am wasting my life.

Why can't I just.

Do something?

Anything?

What makes it so hard for me to exist?

I haven't investigated the game I've been playing recently either.

I'm doing nothing.

This blog is the most productive I've been all week, and it's just a rant about how I've not been productive all week.

​So that really says something about how pathetic I am, doesn't it?

I can't even read comics/novels/TVTropes/etc. to satisfy my urges.

Nothing I am doing is working.

I just want to be something resembling anything right now.

But I'm not.
​And I never will be.

Literally, considering that I am sweating less than I should and thus my skin is warm/hot to the touch in spite of my body itself not being feverish. (Yes I do have a doctor appointment for this since yes it is in fact a fairly concerning thing, but not until like May 12th as that's the soonest I could get and they didn't think it was "go to the hospital RIGHT NOW" urgent.)

But like. Mentally I'm doing incredibly poorly with head racing spinning thoughts etc. and physically I've got a lot of (pardon the language) shit to deal with in that everything is just not functioning as it should in my body right now so like.

Spiraling is a happening.

​But, can't speak, gotta go to bed for work tomorrow.

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

On the hygiene front, I'm doing about as badly as I can. My teeth are rotting because I'm not taking care of them, and I'm not taking a shower in spite of my last shower being on Wednesday, and I've only used shampoo/conditioner once in like two or three weeks (that being, on Wednesday).

In terms of things that I should be doing, I also haven't streamed at all, and haven't touched art since my drawing of Elemental Ruby, so there's a loss of momentum there.

I also haven't been doing the grinding that I need to do in Chrono Trigger (did a little yesterday but not enough), Final Fantasy VII, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5.

More than that, my notes keep piling up since I've not actually done the things I need to do in order to store the notes in their binders. (Well, one I got, the others, not so much.)

That having been said, I did complete the League and TFT quests, I did get my ranked game in for the week (I set a goal to do at least one ranked game per week), I did do mafia stuff that I have needed to work on including working on the modded game I want to run (tho speaking of a different kind of modding, still haven't done Civ 3, welp), and while my hygienic health has been utter garbage, my health in other areas I'm making strides in.

While I've been having an issue of sweating less and skin being warmer than it should be (presumably as a consequence of the less sweat) in spite of being hydrated and not being sunburnt, I have a doctor's appointment for it.

I also set a doctor appointment for psychiatry (at least I hope it is?), which might allow me to get a refill on my meds there.

I'm communicating more and networking more online so while I'm not nearly doing enough, I am doing more and more.

It's a slow and steady push, but it is in fact a push.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.