I need more free time desperately, but I keep on having so little available because of life.
I've been going out almost every single day and doing things, rather than staying home and relaxing/vibing.
Yet every single time, it's felt like it's needed.
I need to work--so that means Monday through Thursday, I'm waking up and working from 3 am until 3 pm. (In effect.)
And even then, I need to often do other things after work. Shopping, etc. Not coming straight home.
And then on Fridays, even IF I don't do anything before, I have family night on Friday nights--and often, I'm doing things before. Doctor appointments, bloodworks, shopping, etc. So I don't have Fridays off, and even when I do have them mostly off, I still have a 6 - 10 pm obligation.
And that leaves me with only two days, maximum, to me.
This Saturday I couldn't stay home.
Today, Sunday, I have to go to a work staff meeting, which means I don't get to stay home. Worse, it'll end at the time I need to go to bed for tomorrow, meaning tomorrow is going to be absolute hell at work.
I've got so much that needs to be done and isn't being done.
I've got a flight and hotel I meant to cancel two days ago--but the time for them disappeared because other necessities like the doctor appointment and family night and such consumed the time I had set aside. And it won't get done today probably, despite how I need it done sooner rather than later.
The longer I wait, the more likely I won't be able to get a refund. I might not be able to anyway since when I booked both I opted for the nonrefundable options, but every day I lose to other things reduces my odds just that much further of getting it done.
I need to get a training for work and to remind my boss January is almost over and it needs to be done before the end of the month.
I need to do title fairy stuff on the mafia site, as well as judging stuff. I'm probably late or even failing for both already, I dunno, I haven't had the time to check all damn week because I've just had no free time. Just exhaustion and utter tiredness.
I've probably got a ton of other important things to do, which I haven't gotten done.
I've been wanting to do streaming for the last two weeks--and yet, every time I planned for it, something else came up, something more important. Sickness, medical appointments, sheer exhaustion, shopping, etc. I haven't had the free time to.
I've not been able to live life.
I'm exhausted and burnt out and tired and drained.
I'm not getting recharge time--at all.
And I'm feeling like I'm out of place everywhere because I'm not giving them the time and care and devotion those places demand--and that has tanked my mental, too, because when I feel I'm out of place, I feel I don't belong, that I should just give up on these dearly beloved places, and that's never the answer.
I've not done my mirror blog post catchup and in fact am falling further behind.
I'm just--stretched too thin.
I'm not getting rest.
I'm not relaxing.
I'm not recharging.
I feel like I'm not living. I'm just surviving. I'm having experiences in life--but I haven't had the time to enjoy those moments because I've been too busy doing damage control of "okay I am doing this thing instead of X Y Z that need to be done, how do I manage to adjust and pivot?".
I can't have the luxury of just enjoying the moment.
I literally can't afford that time, every single time has felt like I am just falling further and further behind on everything.
And I need a break.
I need a break so damn badly.
And I'm not going to get one.
I have let my fiance know about these issues, so I'm not bottling it up. People don't really ask, but in places where it's appropriate to have done so, I'm being open and transparent about this issue. I might even vent about it in spaces where venting is appropriate, to see if I can let out the steam needed and have the burden be lessened in any way just by having let it out and being open and transparent about this utter lack of energy in my life rn.
So like--yeah I'm not bottling it up, pretending it's not there, etc.
But like...I still don't know how tf I'm going to actually fix this, how to deal with it. Like most things I'm going through rn, I'm directionless, and feel powerless, and just am...tired, exhausted, drained, and desperate.
I just need things to stop going badly and for things to start going my way for once. I'm trying. I'm trying to think positively, to see things better, to enjoy life, to live rather than survive. But like...it's so damn hard.
I know, I'm adulting. I'm struggling with the responsibilities of being out in the world on my own, with my fiance, rather than having the support of my family to lean on. It's difficult, it's hard, it's never going to be easy. And I know I need to do it to keep it up, but...I have to find a way where I'm not actively taxing myself this much.
I'm taxed physically, mentally, and emotionally by this level of exhaustion and burnout. There has to be a way to rebalance my life without letting go of the things I consider so important.
I've been going out almost every single day and doing things, rather than staying home and relaxing/vibing.
Yet every single time, it's felt like it's needed.
I need to work--so that means Monday through Thursday, I'm waking up and working from 3 am until 3 pm. (In effect.)
And even then, I need to often do other things after work. Shopping, etc. Not coming straight home.
And then on Fridays, even IF I don't do anything before, I have family night on Friday nights--and often, I'm doing things before. Doctor appointments, bloodworks, shopping, etc. So I don't have Fridays off, and even when I do have them mostly off, I still have a 6 - 10 pm obligation.
And that leaves me with only two days, maximum, to me.
This Saturday I couldn't stay home.
Today, Sunday, I have to go to a work staff meeting, which means I don't get to stay home. Worse, it'll end at the time I need to go to bed for tomorrow, meaning tomorrow is going to be absolute hell at work.
I've got so much that needs to be done and isn't being done.
I've got a flight and hotel I meant to cancel two days ago--but the time for them disappeared because other necessities like the doctor appointment and family night and such consumed the time I had set aside. And it won't get done today probably, despite how I need it done sooner rather than later.
The longer I wait, the more likely I won't be able to get a refund. I might not be able to anyway since when I booked both I opted for the nonrefundable options, but every day I lose to other things reduces my odds just that much further of getting it done.
I need to get a training for work and to remind my boss January is almost over and it needs to be done before the end of the month.
I need to do title fairy stuff on the mafia site, as well as judging stuff. I'm probably late or even failing for both already, I dunno, I haven't had the time to check all damn week because I've just had no free time. Just exhaustion and utter tiredness.
I've probably got a ton of other important things to do, which I haven't gotten done.
I've been wanting to do streaming for the last two weeks--and yet, every time I planned for it, something else came up, something more important. Sickness, medical appointments, sheer exhaustion, shopping, etc. I haven't had the free time to.
I've not been able to live life.
I'm exhausted and burnt out and tired and drained.
I'm not getting recharge time--at all.
And I'm feeling like I'm out of place everywhere because I'm not giving them the time and care and devotion those places demand--and that has tanked my mental, too, because when I feel I'm out of place, I feel I don't belong, that I should just give up on these dearly beloved places, and that's never the answer.
I've not done my mirror blog post catchup and in fact am falling further behind.
I'm just--stretched too thin.
I'm not getting rest.
I'm not relaxing.
I'm not recharging.
I feel like I'm not living. I'm just surviving. I'm having experiences in life--but I haven't had the time to enjoy those moments because I've been too busy doing damage control of "okay I am doing this thing instead of X Y Z that need to be done, how do I manage to adjust and pivot?".
I can't have the luxury of just enjoying the moment.
I literally can't afford that time, every single time has felt like I am just falling further and further behind on everything.
And I need a break.
I need a break so damn badly.
And I'm not going to get one.
I have let my fiance know about these issues, so I'm not bottling it up. People don't really ask, but in places where it's appropriate to have done so, I'm being open and transparent about this issue. I might even vent about it in spaces where venting is appropriate, to see if I can let out the steam needed and have the burden be lessened in any way just by having let it out and being open and transparent about this utter lack of energy in my life rn.
So like--yeah I'm not bottling it up, pretending it's not there, etc.
But like...I still don't know how tf I'm going to actually fix this, how to deal with it. Like most things I'm going through rn, I'm directionless, and feel powerless, and just am...tired, exhausted, drained, and desperate.
I just need things to stop going badly and for things to start going my way for once. I'm trying. I'm trying to think positively, to see things better, to enjoy life, to live rather than survive. But like...it's so damn hard.
I know, I'm adulting. I'm struggling with the responsibilities of being out in the world on my own, with my fiance, rather than having the support of my family to lean on. It's difficult, it's hard, it's never going to be easy. And I know I need to do it to keep it up, but...I have to find a way where I'm not actively taxing myself this much.
I'm taxed physically, mentally, and emotionally by this level of exhaustion and burnout. There has to be a way to rebalance my life without letting go of the things I consider so important.
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