I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I am also home from my family night, having brought home a lot of stuff to sort through and organize.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping for essentials and organizing things.

Today the remainder is mostly nothing.

I want to talk about an old story idea I remembered, with the updates I've filled in since.

But for now I'll settle for saying Hunters/Slayers (the terms are used interchangeably) are a type of "human" (in the same sense that a witch would be) in that they aren't actually human but appear human without any supernatural qualities--except when they are near a supernatural quality, and they act as a form of "strong as they need to be"--they gain the strength, speed, endurance, and supernatural senses of the supernatural, proportional to how close they are.

Kinda like the Duke power in Haven, the closer they are to contacting, the stronger they get, so when in direct contact they are actually stronger than the creature they are touching. (Probably has a term.) This isn't something which need be used to slay the supernatural creature. In fact in modern times it's usually just used to have two effectively supernaturals for the price of one.

Anyway, busy resting and recovering so that's probably it for now.

​See you all next time, love you all.

So for earth 5172 there's three basic ways to affect things beyond the body/technology.

There's soul magic, originating from the user. It's the same regardless of god, demon, angel, spirit, human, witch, you name it. It requires training, but is innate and highly dependent on the user. Mostly physical.

There's external magic, originating from an outside source. Trinkets to transform, magical girls, artifacts, etc., all provide their own source of magic that is usually fairly consistent. It is usually customized by the user, but has base features remaining regardless. The majority of magical girls, most superheroes, and (generic name for) Power Rangers + (generic name for) Kamen Riders use this.

There's environmental magic, where instead of drawing on their own power or the power from some source, they draw from the surrounding area. Most elemental magic is of this type. It's easiest for mages to use this type of magic. It does require the most education and training to learn the system. Although there's some customization, it's mostly standard, and the training is largely knowledge-base.

Ghosts live partially out of phase with the earth, but can at will shift to varying degrees. Ghosts who are not tied down to a place can go to either the community spirit realm or the individual spirit realm, depending on which is stronger as a pull. Every form of awakened individual of any kind can perceive them fulltime, even if they are fully out of phase.

Demons and angels both have a realm adjacent to those two.

Earth in addition to this astral plane where ghosts can operate has warped spaces, where things which shouldn't fit in a space, do. This allows for entire kingdoms to remain hidden from those uninitiated in how to access them. However, again, there's nothing making them exclusive. A fae kingdom can be well-known and visited by spirits, demons, witches, etc. A wizard school could have demons, angels, fae, etc. all get in.

Superheroes and Supervillains, as well as (some generic term for) Power Rangers and (some generic term for) Kamen Riders, tend to use the "meh, doesn't affect me" filter the most, but other groups exploit it all the time, which can make these warped spaces be visible yet never visited by those uninitiated.

The filter can still apply to awakened individuals who don't shake it off. Everyone has to shake it off and everyone can. Humans, average humans, can.

Everyone has some amount of soul magic, although for most it's fairly low. Without fail. Even sapient AI can, because sapience gives a soul.
Anyone can be empowered by external magic, with nothing disqualifying them.
99% of people can channel external magic. Some may have an inability to, in exchange for also having immunity to it. However, because it requires training, most don't.

That's the limit to what I can give tonight though.

I'm going on a mini-vacation with my fiance tomorrow for Valentine's Day and need to rest.

I think it might be Earth 5172. Why that number? I don't know! It's the name for the world which came to mind when I thought about it.

And honestly...this might seem weird, but...for maybe the first time ever, this doesn't feel like a world I made.

It feels like a world I am discovering.

Like, when it came to farn, I made it, and then it took on a life of its own. Farn was created, and I don't create things about farn anymore, I discover things about it. But I still was initially writing and creating farn before it took on enough momentum to build itself. I gave the building blocks, then farn built itself.

And same for the colliniverse, for Phyrra and Cyrus.

And same for the Rubyverse.

Every paracosm of mine, I created, and then it took on its own life beyond my work.

But this world feels different somehow.

I feel like I'm channeling it into being represented but I didn't make it.

Not even subconsciously.

Like, I know what my headspace is like.

I know what worlds I subconsciously make are like.

I know what worlds I consciously started building are like.

And yet, this earth feels like it just exists already, I'm just the one who discovered it somehow.

I'm not sure I can do it justice, but I'll have to try.

​Probably not today, but when I can.

...but today I developed a new world. Not really a story, per se, because there's too many stories for it to be a story, but a setting. A world.

The basics of it are a world where Power Rangers, Kamen Riders, Magical Girls, Gods, Demigods, Spirits, Demons, Ghosts, Witches, Vampires, Werewolves, Angels, other supernatural beings, Elemental Powers, Fairies, Elves, Superheroes, Supervillains, and more, all exist, but are not mutually exclusive. In fact they frequently overlap. Princesses being frequent sources of being almost all at once. A world combining all of them into one.

I'm still figuring out the details.

Basically, Gods aren't so much Gods as they are an avatar of the concept of the entity. They are human, but also divine, they are both the God yet also as a human can stray from the myths. They have both influence from the perception of their myth but also their own personal growth separate from the myth.

There's two separate perception filters, where one is "I coulda sworn it was this way, but I guess it always was this way" for some changes, and another is "this is happening, but meh, not my problem" where they kinda tune it out because it's not something which affects/impacts them. They see it happen and if they focused would know of it, but don't really care.

All creatures, from monsters to magical girls and so on and so forth, are not inherently good or evil. They're people. There's still evil academies and good academies and super academies.

Morph grids can handle up to 7, but can have secondaries up to 12, so teams are usually 3 - 6 in size with final rangers occupying the remainders.

I have an idea of how it all works, but I don't have it laid out or the time to tonight.

It's gonna be fun to explore though.

The one downside; I am going to get more headmates from exploring.

Which, isn't really a downside, so much as it is, a, "well...here we go again..." xD.

Anyway, gotta go, busy night.

This blog has been deleted as of 12/11/2023.

Normally, I would never delete anything, least of all a whole blog entry. But given the level of harm from some of blog in particular, I felt I had to. This one may or may not be restored after review, but for now, I erred on the side of removal.

For more on why I took this extreme measure, check these blog posts:
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/the-pain-is-getting-to-me-tonight
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/i-thought-about-it-overnight

Okay so checking in my notes I've got...hmm, 1/11/2023?...
...I guess that means about 47 days worth of notes to sort through?

Aside from how I am trying to combine three documents' worth of info into one (well, one was already bare-bones having been formed side-by-side with this project, but I suppose the discord notes count as a document), which makes the amount of work I have to do that much higher.

I have ~145 or so pages of pure notes (not counting prototype excerpts) from one place to record, all the discord notes, and then a bunch more (thankfully, much shorter than 145 but still ~40 or so) all to transcribe in the more organized format I am aiming for. It's going to be a royal pain.

But the result will be worth it, if I can pull it off.

I won't let this side-project stop me from writing the story itself, mind you. I still intend to write it while streaming. (I took a week off of streaming in a desperate attempt to get my health back--it didn't work; I've got a sore throat which has persisted throughout the day.) I will stream other things as well--art, minecraft--but I intend to primarily​ stream writing my story.

But in my free time, I feel it's a valid choice to instead of writing the story to work on the notes because of the benefits behind having done so. My notes are a hectic mess as-is. Formatting them to be more organized and collected, with info previously not stated (at least not in that way), allowing me to have the info all available when needed.

It's a lot of work.

But I'm chipping away at it--slowly, gradually.

To be fair, fairly productive day. I didn't do everything I wanted to do--but I'm making large amounts of progress in my record keeping, and it's coming together nicely. I looked at it and was like, "Ohhh...YEAHHHH."

I'm looking at it and it is writing itself.

Now, I realize that writing this info isn't writing the story. I should just be writing the story. But, I want to get things presented the way I want them to be. I want to have my notes not be in discord messages to myself, and available in the notes. I've been slacking on rl stuff that my notes have been getting in the way of me pursuing, because I've been focusing on the notes.

Okay so talking hard right now. Basically, to explain: I have a notes discord where I have notes of all kind to myself. Because some sort of technical glitch kept me from recording things onto my docs directly, I began using the notes for it. And because my doc notes were a mess and the discord notes a mess, everything is a mess.

​And I want to clean them up.

​And this is also important because the discord where I have notes to myself also has other notes, and those notes are getting drowned by the farn notes, and I want to get the focus back on the rl notes rather than the farn notes.

So basically.

I know this won't make much sense to others.

​But basically, I'm working on the farn notes so that I can get my rl notes to be more clear. I've got a long, long ways to go. But if I get it done, it'll make things a lot easier for me.

Well, somewhat.
I had multiple lucid dreams that I swear were dreams of alternate realities, or rather, it felt more like dreams of this reality in past or future loops. At least that's how the dreams felt. As memories of lives I am not currently living but are lives that I live, lived, or will live. (This is always an incredibly unpleasant experience and reduces rest during the sleep.)

However, one of the dreams was instead a story about a mother and her two daughters (the oldest and youngest sibling), going to a vacation house. The boys leave, but while the boys are out, the women get snowed in.

I have no clue what the vibes of the story (it was actually a movie) were. Horror? Comedy? Slice of life? Horror-comedy? Supernatural? Mundane? Survival? I don't know. I just know the setup, I woke up before the plot began.

Still, I'd forget the idea if I didn't blog about it so here's me blogging about it!

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.