More, probably, since it's 10 am now, and I've got tasks to do. Writing this blog, drinking coffee, taking vitamins, and transferring stuff to its proper place, not to mention bed routine stuff. I need to take my estrogen, take my dress off, take my bras off (I don't have properly-fitted bras, so sleeping in them overnight is very bad for my shoulders), take my socks off (helps mitigate stinkiness), and apply my nightly lotions.

That, aside from needing a final bathroom stop before bed (to help prevent middle of night bladder troubles), and if I want to be thorough, brushing my teeth. (Which I'm so bad at I'm fairly sure I've gotten three cavities minimum.)

This is, of course, my normal. (If you think this is TMI in a blog, sorry to say, that my blog can contain anything. I've said that from the very start, although for the wix mirror, this might be your first time seeing it.) I never go to bed on time. I never complete all the tasks quickly. I always start at about the time I should be going to bed, and it takes me about 1-2 hours to finish. So starting at 9:45 or so, means I'll be lucky to finish by 10:45.

Still. I should try to get better at it, when I can.

Obviously, right now, I'm prioritizing my friend. My friend lost basically everything they cared about overnight one week ago, on my 30th birthday, and then when I was in the middle of a call with them had it hit even worse over the next few days. Helping them is my top priority.

And, even if they didn't need those hangs. I like hanging out with them. I always have. In the time I've gotten to know them, they've become one of my favorite people, and I cherish my time with them. They're good to vibe with, so even if it didn't benefit them, it certainly benefits me.

Butstill. My friend usually goes to bed at the same time I should be going to bed. If I were smart, then I would be going to bed basically the moment our hangouts end.

I am not smart.

I'm a true dummBree.

I literally only today learned that when people asked me if I am gouda, they were making a cheesy pun (because Bree is a homonym of Brie). So I have my moments of being an utter moron. (Or for that, an udder moron, if you will.)

Since I am dumb, I am always late.

Still, though. The bright side is, I'm largely productive.

My chronic health issues are still crippling. The last couple of weeks, I've had 10/14 days off, and during every single one of those days, I theoretically should've gotten more than enough sleep. Yet, every day I was as tired as I am on the nights I get less than six hours of sleep, because 6+, 8+, 10+ hours of sleep don't matter to chronic illnesses. And my breathing issue remains, and the dizziness issue remains.

Despite those things dragging me down...I have more free time.

Not enough, as it now being 10:15 shows, but still more.

I'm logging into ComicFury nearly every day.
​I'm more active in torn, again.
I'm staying on top of my mafia games far more easily. (Although in small part, that's because I cut myself off from efforting in them. I told them friend > game, so I'm prioritizing the friend over the game and that means not wasting as much time on mafia as I was.)

By having cut back on the number of discords I'm in to the bare minimum, I'm able to keep up with each daily.
By having cut out 90% of my twitch streams, I've less obligations distracting me.

I'm doing the bare minimum for league/tft right now, fairly easily, but have the luxury of indulging. So far, I've opted out, but I may go in again some time soon. (Been wanting to.)

I'm blogging, albeit far too late today.

I'm showering more, although teeth hygiene is still disappointingly lagging behind.

And, I'm actually working on my novel somewhat frequently.
It's not as much as it needs to be.

I was working on my novel for over an hour today, and I got one paragraph from the ordeal, and that singular paragraph exhausted me to the point where I couldn't continue. I got so exhausted, I hit a hard wall, despite the desire to continue, so I had to...well, not.

BUT.

I'm getting work done on my novel more often than I was. That's very promising.

During the anime night we had on Saturday thanks to my brother visiting, I was inspired. I was channeling Vee's magic, so effortlessly and fluently through my body. Among others. Vee. Lilith. Rothasta. And more. All yearning to be created and seen by more than just me. And I have the passion. I have the commitment to have started to diverge away from the life I was living, on twitch and the related discords.

Since I've made the decision to largely cut back, few places have me there and invested. There's a grand total of five places I frequent which I feel obligated to be around. Which is, admittedly, still on the high side. That's down from the nearly two dozen I was at before, though (about 12-20 I think it was), so I'm more free than I was.

One place I mod for, and I don't think I'll ever want to leave there.
Two places, are friend hubs. Hubs, for friends who frequently stream. (I do attend friend streams regardless, but there's only two who stream fairly regularly, the rest are far more inconsistent.)
And two, are some of the first two communities I was in, with one being a community I was basically an og member of.

I don't want to lose the people in there from my life, since that's where my closest friendships flourished. Including a contributing part of my friendship with my friend who has since lost everything. The spot might not be where the friendships have continued, but it is where they formed, and is still a meeting place, so I'd rather stay, at least right now.

A future-me might make the decision to back out, for whatever reason.
Or, heck, who knows. I may join my friend in having been exiled unwillingly. Regardless, at least for now, I want to stay.

I digress though. What I was saying is, because I've only a small number of communities I remain close in, I need to have the focus I was previously spending on the communities I was in...somewhere else.

I've chosen writing. I could go heavier into content creation, but right now I'm feeling a bit soured/bitter by it and I'm not sure I really want some of the people to show up who were showing up, because I'm not sure what I want to do with them. I'm not sure how I want to interact with them. I've not made up my mind there.

So, no streaming, no community time, what does that leave? I chose writing time.

Here's to hoping I can gain some momentum.

Anyway, it's 10:35 now, so I wanna finish up and go to bed, hopefully before 11.

Okay so checking in my notes I've got...hmm, 1/11/2023?...
...I guess that means about 47 days worth of notes to sort through?

Aside from how I am trying to combine three documents' worth of info into one (well, one was already bare-bones having been formed side-by-side with this project, but I suppose the discord notes count as a document), which makes the amount of work I have to do that much higher.

I have ~145 or so pages of pure notes (not counting prototype excerpts) from one place to record, all the discord notes, and then a bunch more (thankfully, much shorter than 145 but still ~40 or so) all to transcribe in the more organized format I am aiming for. It's going to be a royal pain.

But the result will be worth it, if I can pull it off.

I won't let this side-project stop me from writing the story itself, mind you. I still intend to write it while streaming. (I took a week off of streaming in a desperate attempt to get my health back--it didn't work; I've got a sore throat which has persisted throughout the day.) I will stream other things as well--art, minecraft--but I intend to primarily​ stream writing my story.

But in my free time, I feel it's a valid choice to instead of writing the story to work on the notes because of the benefits behind having done so. My notes are a hectic mess as-is. Formatting them to be more organized and collected, with info previously not stated (at least not in that way), allowing me to have the info all available when needed.

It's a lot of work.

But I'm chipping away at it--slowly, gradually.

To be fair, fairly productive day. I didn't do everything I wanted to do--but I'm making large amounts of progress in my record keeping, and it's coming together nicely. I looked at it and was like, "Ohhh...YEAHHHH."

I'm looking at it and it is writing itself.

Now, I realize that writing this info isn't writing the story. I should just be writing the story. But, I want to get things presented the way I want them to be. I want to have my notes not be in discord messages to myself, and available in the notes. I've been slacking on rl stuff that my notes have been getting in the way of me pursuing, because I've been focusing on the notes.

Okay so talking hard right now. Basically, to explain: I have a notes discord where I have notes of all kind to myself. Because some sort of technical glitch kept me from recording things onto my docs directly, I began using the notes for it. And because my doc notes were a mess and the discord notes a mess, everything is a mess.

​And I want to clean them up.

​And this is also important because the discord where I have notes to myself also has other notes, and those notes are getting drowned by the farn notes, and I want to get the focus back on the rl notes rather than the farn notes.

So basically.

I know this won't make much sense to others.

​But basically, I'm working on the farn notes so that I can get my rl notes to be more clear. I've got a long, long ways to go. But if I get it done, it'll make things a lot easier for me.

Well, somewhat.
I had multiple lucid dreams that I swear were dreams of alternate realities, or rather, it felt more like dreams of this reality in past or future loops. At least that's how the dreams felt. As memories of lives I am not currently living but are lives that I live, lived, or will live. (This is always an incredibly unpleasant experience and reduces rest during the sleep.)

However, one of the dreams was instead a story about a mother and her two daughters (the oldest and youngest sibling), going to a vacation house. The boys leave, but while the boys are out, the women get snowed in.

I have no clue what the vibes of the story (it was actually a movie) were. Horror? Comedy? Slice of life? Horror-comedy? Supernatural? Mundane? Survival? I don't know. I just know the setup, I woke up before the plot began.

Still, I'd forget the idea if I didn't blog about it so here's me blogging about it!

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

I've been swampedddddd. Not getting enough sleep, doing a bunch of work...life's been hectic for me recently.

I've got a bunch of story work to do, because the number of stories to write for farn is officially increasing from two to three. And I'm actually working on expanding the roster of villains. (I've got a full roster of heroes, albeit heroes that I need to justify why they are doing what they do, but villains...I'm coming up short. So I've been working on fixing that. Mostly I need mooks since lead villains I mostly got covered.)

But like.

Just...need to survive the work week.

Today I spent $400 on clothes, which was all good clothes but the cost made me die inside a bit.

​Anyway, feeling sick to my stomach for some reason, so...gotta rest.

Today was largely a wasted day. I don't even remember what we wasted our time on (I think it might've been reading TVTropes?), but we weren't really productive.

We did download the audio for potentially adding alerts to our stream (altho we need to get that whole thing set up and currently don't have it), and we actually did work on the writing of our novel (rather than writing down notes and worldbuilding/character building), but even that was just editing.

We also got our laptop functioning again, which opens us up to potentially doing streams on it. Speaking of streams, we're nearly caught up on our youtube video uploads of them. I believe we're at 80/85? So like--at a couple uploads per day or so and accounting for extra streams, and we should in theory be caught up within a week.

We ended the night by indulging in Civ 3, playing a single turn all the way out.

We had planned to stream, but a few things got in the way. First was not wanting to not be part of the vibes for one particular stream (and even now, we're enjoying the vibes of a different stream that they raided in to). We could have done a stream, but we made the choice that the vibes of that stream were worth more.

After our parents came home at 4, we could've started stream, but right now, we're thinking it's best not to. We have a medication to pick up, and while we go to the pharmacy, we're hoping to pick up a few extras. (Lotions, tea, headphones, maybe a mic?

So like.

We could've done a lot more than we did.

It's not a nothingness day because if someone were to look at what we listed above, they'd say it was great, it was incredible, I did a ton, etc. But it's still disappointing, yaknow? We did basically nothing and wasted a golden opportunity to be productive. Tomorrow will be a short day (due to work on Monday), made shorter by a need to visit the pharmacist to get my medication.

Today was a day we could've done nearly 20 hours' of work, and instead, we did like...two, maybe? About half an hour for the laptop, about half an hour for the audio, about an hour for the novel, and then paltry amounts of time per video. (They take basically no time to put the info in, the rest is the upload/processing which is why we get a rate of like 1 video per 3 hours or so.)

So like--having two hours out of twenty means we were only at 1/10th of the productivity we should've been at.

Disappointing. Not shattering. But still a let-down.

Ah well.

​Is what it is.

We were up to 10:30 am yesterday, it's 7 am today.
We streamed more TFT in spite of not quite feeling it, under the belief we could maybe promote, and then ended up lower than we started.
But honestly, stupid as it sounds, the real tilting thing is the riot games client, after a game of tft finishes. They give an absurdly long wait time on the 'waiting for stats' menu, and if you skip that, you're booted out of the lobby, and if you're too fast to get back in, you're kicked from the party. (A party of one.) Causing delay after delay. (There's also no way to turn off the special executes that can't be skipped which also can delay things further.)

When I have a match end I want to be into the next immediately.

Bug I digress.

Point is, poor time management. We have it. We did a useless stream rather than a productive stream on, say, our novel.

Which has work we still have yet to do on it.

Like, the thing we want to do is quite literally just looking up terms and--*adhd kicked in and now different rant*
...And now instead of having done it, we learned why we didn't because instead of just two names to look up, we have like ten.

And it's now 8 am...

​Bed. Now. If we had thoughts, gone.

We had eight hours of sleep last night, not counting naps.
We've been keeping up on coffee drinking and tea drinking at normal times.
We're pretty sure our hydration levels are normal, and food intake regular, and workouts about normal.

What gives.

Why are we this badly tired?

We're still doing productive stuff, mind you! Today we did a little extra notes writing (nothing new in terms of worldbuilding, but writing down some notes we had kept in our head) and actually did a little bit of the revising we needed to do on the current chapter we're writing (I know the dangers of the eternal edit loop, but this edit is necessary because to tell the narrative we need, we need a specific tone and content within, and while we nailed it in the earlier sections of the chapter, the later seconds drifted away; we found the spot it drifted and are working on fixing it, which will be worth, trust me).

So not a lost day with nothing done at all.

But.

Still.

We're not supposed to be this exhausted all the time.

​What's wrong with us? Is it really the sickness?

We got decent sleep.
We got decent rest.
We took a nap. (More than one in fact.)
We felt less sick than before.
We rested.

And yet we have felt more tired than ever before.

​I don't know why.

​On the bright side, a nearly 7 hour stream of writing for our novel, but like. That didn't cause this tiredness.