Well, somewhat.
I had multiple lucid dreams that I swear were dreams of alternate realities, or rather, it felt more like dreams of this reality in past or future loops. At least that's how the dreams felt. As memories of lives I am not currently living but are lives that I live, lived, or will live. (This is always an incredibly unpleasant experience and reduces rest during the sleep.)

However, one of the dreams was instead a story about a mother and her two daughters (the oldest and youngest sibling), going to a vacation house. The boys leave, but while the boys are out, the women get snowed in.

I have no clue what the vibes of the story (it was actually a movie) were. Horror? Comedy? Slice of life? Horror-comedy? Supernatural? Mundane? Survival? I don't know. I just know the setup, I woke up before the plot began.

Still, I'd forget the idea if I didn't blog about it so here's me blogging about it!

Last night I had a dream which, after the fact, I struggled to stabilize into a story, but eventually, I managed to have it solidify into something resembling a webcomic-worthy tale.

Basically, in a Resident Evil like world (one of the three main characters is, loosely, based on Wesker, albeit with a different backstory, with him looking similar and even having tentacle powers), there was a team working at this universe's equivalent of Umbrella Corporation.

The young protagonist is a 21-year-old intern, still in college, but seen by people as being incredibly dumb. He's incredibly clumsy and while he means well, he constantly makes mistake after mistake after mistake. And it's not just bumping into things he shouldn't, it's also in him having ideas that end up leading to unforeseen bad consequences.

He's in a team with a 26-year-old redheaded female scientist (yes, with green eyes, with her hair being kept in a ponytail as being fairly short but still warranting being like that), who has been with the corporation on the team since she graduated college, which was a slight while ago but not a long while ago. She's the official assistant. (Although later she becomes far more action-oriented.)

They are in service to a veteran scientist. When he was younger, he was a field agent, being just hired muscle that was smart enough to work on the scene with highly sensitive material of all types. He was genetically modified prior to this, and during his fieldwork, infected with an experimental virus. He survived, most did not. The corporation bribed him to keep this a secret by basically making him an executive of the company. Not the highest ranking, but high up the chain of command.

So with this position, he retired from fieldwork and began to work in the lab, convinced that he could achieve the dream of immortality for himself, and potentially, the world (but he admits that the latter is an afterthought). He's 55 but appears to be about 32, in peak physical condition, because his aging has been greatly slowed. He can survive in many conditions, including the vacuum of space.

One day, the young protagonist makes a coffee that he believes the scientist will like, laced with some nanites that would, in theory, be harmless if they didn't work but if they worked could help the scientist. This was done with extensive work on his part, where he thought it was a genius idea.

When he accidentally broke the glass, the coffee with the nanites managed to splash into a vial with a genetically engineered virus--and the two combined. The team was blamed for this, made public enemies and fled. They were not realistically able to claim they weren't, either. The scientist was up to no good, the intern wouldn't be able to prove lack of malice, and the assistant was just loyal to the scientist.

Basically, it's not like the big bad corporation was framing innocent people. They had their hands dirty and knew what they were doing was shady-at-best. So they become hunted by the public for causing an outbreak of a plague that mutates humans into monsters, a semi-intelligent living growing disease. It doesn't cause an apocalypse because it's not the first outbreak to have happened, but it does periodically cause local outbreaks at random that kill plenty, mutate others, and require constant vigilance and specialized task forces to put down.

Having caused the worst outbreak in recorded history, the trio fled to an underground railway as their first base. (It's later revealed that the scientist also brought along an AI with them, this AI program is not exactly benevolent but she is still loyal to the scientist which makes her benevolent to the protagonists.)

They build this base up considerably and make good use of it, but the protagonist/intern eventually messes things up by accidentally triggering an alarm that would alert those looking for them to their exact location. Desperate, they have only one escape avenue: a teleporter not meant to transport living people, which transports them to a space station that is an abandoned weapons satellite.

The scientist, however, had come prepared, having injected the two others with nanites that would allow for the transportation to be successful, and also upon arrival, allow for them to have a form of artificial gravity. The station, being in space, has no gravity, but the floor is a specialized magnetic field, which all the items on the space station are attracted to with the approximate force of gravity, so items have the same weight they'd have on earth in effect.

And with those nanites in them, that allows for the protagonists to have weight in a weightless environment.

With the assistance of the AI, the protagonists are able to retrofit the satellite from something that is a single compartment not designed for humans to be on (it's literally basically just the internal parts with spare parts, effectively a small storehouse of bits and pieces), into a proper space station, with rooms, a dining hall, and work stations.

This is accomplished through harnessing a ton of energy and stored matter to make what amounts to effectively an advanced 3-D printer of sorts, where they rearrange matter from one form into another and recycle everything, to create food, water, air, and the materials needed to expand the station.

The webcomic details this journey but also displays the issues they run into. The scientist basically sets his two companions to work on effectively a crash-course of advanced scientific concepts neither was really familiar with. The assistant only had a bachelor's degree and the intern didn't even have that, and they were launched into forcefully learning things that even those with a PhD would struggle with.

Which, essentially, forced them to get smart, and be creative in troubleshooting. Lots of issues crop up, and at times, the protagonists need to leave the station and go back to earth, where their presence even for that short time stirs up a great amount of trouble and solidifies the view of the public that they are, essentially, supervillains.

The issues include needing to save the ai, running out of material, irreparable damage to something power-related, and later-on after the assistant has a daughter, saving that daughter who was born with nanites that began to rapidly age her. (They save her when she is physically around 10, stabilizing her.)

The concept is two parts resident evil, one part supervillain story, and one part sci-fi slice of life, covering both bio-engineered things and advanced technological things.

It's a bit of a complex thing, but the idea formed and I like it.

Will never make it, mind you. I will never have the time for every project I want to make, and this one is near the bottom of the barrel priorities-wise.

But I like it and it's worthy of being made. It's worth making, so I'm sad I won't be able to.

Ah well.

At least I blogged about the basics behind it.

​(Also, half an hour late to leave......)

Again! Again again!

So last night, as I was drifting to sleep, I had a dream that turned into a story idea. It was just at the beginning of me trying to sleep, but still a dream. So I did wake up, ending the dream but leaving me with a story idea. I lost some of the details once waking as per the usual, but it was coherent enough for me to keep the important parts.

But it being the time I needed to sleep, I had to risk it and just sleep.

So I forgot it overnight.

I did miraculously recover some of it, maybe most of it, although I inevitably lost some details somewhere along the line.

The basic idea I had was that a girl was brought to another world and granted powers there. The girl came from a not good place, and the people she was brought to are, genuinely, benign. They are not malevolent individuals masking as benevolent ones; they are genuinely kind, caring individuals who truly do mean best.

They defend against, and even hunt, some people believing it is for the protection of all. And she became one of their top agents at having done so. By this time, she had aged from a young girl to a young adult.

I don't remember the details of the group or how she landed among them (probably either accident/injury or her deliberately going on an undercover mission), but after some time spent among them, she has a change of heart. She realizes that the group she was previously a part of and their entire nation was wrong. Well-meaning, but wrong.

She spends time among them, learning among them, and eventually even becoming a teacher for their young (tho her transformation into a gigantic serpent monster as her first day was certainly not something that left a favorable impression--she is still naïve at that point, still being new to understanding why she is terrifying, being the cute clumsy girl that is learning and figuring things out).

At some point, she does return to her previous life, but now lives a double life among both (this is actually shown first with the above as flashbacks), but the details there when she's actually in her later 20s, I don't particularly remember. Something about her being suspected of what she is doing, with her friends not understanding why she would do so, why she would betray them.

I know her point of contact for those she hunted was one of the hunted's more skilled members, and that he recognized that she had no idea about the true nature of his kind. I know that there is a conversion process of some kind that she undergoes to be one of them while still appearing as her old self.

I remember some of the aesthetics; she wears a pink kimono at all times and has black hair, tho the length changes.
I remember that one of the guys involved has gray hair, fairly spikey but not quite to Goku lengths. And has small subtle fangs.

But I can't put it all together yet.

And since I have other focuses, sadly, I likely never will.

Still tho.

​Writing it down so I don't forget again again.

Okay so today has a good explanation for my, namely, one unfortunate dream cascading into an endless cycle of repeating the same equally bad dream.

Basically, I dreamed that I woke up to my alarm--
And then I jolted awake when somehow I sensed I was not awake in spite of having remembered waking.

So in real life, I was awake, after that dream. Unfortunate, but one-time disruption, right?

...Well after that, because I had the dream I woke up to my alarm, I told myself to not fall for it again.
Which caused my subconscious to instead treat every single dream as "oh no I slept through my alarm".

Meaning I basically got no sleep last night at all.

Butstill.

I literally had a blog I wanted to make.

I would like to not be so sleepy that I can't make it.

Ah well.

​Maybe tomorrow.

It's a pipe dream because first it would require me to actually make Phyrra and Cyrus, but I actually managed to make a proper sequel to Phyrra and Cyrus!

Now, there was already a spinoff, Smoke Ling, son of a Gunther, covering the son of Gunther King Slayer, the second villain in Phyrra and Cyrus, appearing in the second season, the enemy of Bard. It covered things set about 20 years after the end of the main story of Phyrra and Cyrus (technically 80 years before the epilogue since the epilogue is 100 years from the ending of the main story).

This was a proper sequel, set hundreds of years into the future.

I have the worldbuilding set up.

I have the main character(s). This story would, instead of being an allegory for being trans, would be an allegory for plurality.

Just need to iron out the finer detail points.

​Speaking of plurality though, I owe a ramble on that, too.

Okay so I'm probably not on top of everything, but today, I've felt like I'm on top of basically everything. Compared to yesterday, that's progress! Now, granted: still got a lot of things which I probably am forgetting about. But I'm mostly on top of things. I'll need to brush my teeth and such before I go to bed, buuuuut, I showered, changed clothes, kept up to date on emails, did my daily internet stuff, basically everything I need to do, including my squats and crunches.

Right now as I write this blog I'm doing an update to XSplit for my stream tonight, and I'm actually writing a blog! Now, granted: I hated yesterday's stream. I actually had people show up for it! Which you'd think would be a good thing!
...If it weren't the worst stream I've ever done.

I had no idea what to do.
I had my power go out on me, so that killed my first stream.

And then on my second stream, twitch decided to basically kill the stream as everything was fine on my end, but I was dropping thousands of frames.

I was doing nothing.
And the stream had difficulties.
So what did those people who showed up see?

Basically the worst streamer of all time.

​Speaking of stream, as I was writing this, XSplit did update. The new update looks all fancy and such, but it did remove all of my prior settings. I had to re-enter them so my next stream might be a little bit...well, glitchy. We'll have to see.

Anyway what I wanted to blog about is that yesterday, I forgot to blog about a dream I had.
It was an anime (kinda like how I got a dream about Phyrra and Cyrus being an anime), this one set in a high school that is mostly our earth but has some minor Fantasy aspects to it. There's Alchemy, but Alchemy is an artform mostly seen as 'obsolete', as technology has grown to do what Alchemy used to be the only method for, and technology (while it requires building and maintenance) isn't one-time use and isn't something the user needs to know a lot about in order to still make use of it.

The setting is actually an all-ages school, K-12, which pioneered many groundbreaking things in the past. No discrimination based on race, gender, age, social background, income, physical/mental ability, religion, orientation, etc.

However, though the school did do those groundbreaking things, including co-ed sports that allow for everyone of all ages to participate (to a certain degree; they will still try their best to sort people into appropriately-sized groups where they are matched with individuals with complimenting skills), and those things are ingrained into the culture, in more recent years, the school has become notably more...decrepit. 

The school's main focus of Alchemy has fallen from their main draw to a mere shadow of what it was, and while most of the staff and students are genuinely caring individuals, there's a fair amount of corruption and darker elements going on in the school, including shady business and outright immoral actions.

The protagonist (modeled after Lelouch from Code Geass), a prodigy who is the latest generation of one of the founding members of the school (and thus, knows the ins and outs of it), sets out to change that, with his knowledge of Alchemy. He sets out to create an elaborate ruse:

Taking advantage of legends of demons, he creates the guise of him and his younger sisters being a trio of female demons (he is androgynous enough to pull it off, with the aid of a wig). Employing a lot of theatrics as well as mastery of the hidden areas of the school, combined with extensive Alchemy knowledge, he tackles issues with the school's corruption. Alchemical potions allow him to see the memories of others, and from that, witness the issues not seen in the school, and then he sets out in a Phantom Thieves style heist (taking cues from Persona 5) to select a target and then, again with alchemy, basically show the target the consequences of their corrupt actions, the suffering of all their victims, how much harm they've inflicted and to have it affect them.

There's more to it than that but I genuinely think that it could be the next big thing after Phyrra and Cyrus if I expand it out the way Phyrra and Cyrus was expanded out. The foundation is there. Like, this is the most foundation for a dream I've had since Phyrra and Cyrus (well, with the exception of the one lucid dream I had where I wrote it down and lost it all).

It's entirely a different take than Phyrra and Cyrus other than having very small fantasy elements like Alchemy and maybe some fictional pseudo-magic materials that are considered technology (plus strong superstition and belief in spiritual things that are widespread in spite of the dominance of science).

But it literally wrote itself. Dreams don't do that often.

This one did.

​That's a sign for success.

Choke it up to some of the worst mental health I've had, combined with most of the entries I've wanted to make being quite considerably lengthy, combined with me being absurdly tired as of late, today being no different and in fact me being more tired than normal due to what happened last night, which is what prompted this blog in the first place.

Let me set a scene for you.

I had an idea for some story--I don't remember much of the ideas for the story (why will become apparent if you keep reading), but I remember it was fantasy, it had a strict rigid gaming system in place (RPG mechanics with level ups, classes, etc.), and there were multiple classes, one of which, the final one I was working on, was Wizard. (Again, this is an important detail.)

I knew that if I didn't write the idea down, I wouldn't remember it though.

So not being an idiot, I did exactly that.

I took out some paper and with my mechanical pencil, in my handwriting (sloppy, large, messy as it may be) and in my style (with dashes to represent a bullet point list of sorts), I began working through writing down the details of every single class.

I brainstormed not only the world (which I wrote the details down of), but also worked out the exact workings of every single class, except for the last one, Wizard, which for some reason was taking me longer than the others I had completed.

But it was no problem, because not being an idiot, I had written down the entirety of the other classes along with the world, allowing me to 'delete' the knowledge from my consciousness and focus my full attention to finishing up the last class, Wizard, which I was about 80% finished on, just struggling to close out the finer details of. I was this close to finishing it, and having everything there for my brilliant idea of a setting. All the setting details, the characters, the classes, I had thought it all up over the course of a few hours, written it all down, completed it all.

It felt like as soon as I finished with ironing out the details of the Wizard class, I'd have gotten myself a complete idea that I could then make reality once I went onto my computer (since this was all done mentally, in my head, and then transcribed onto paper to record it).

But then I ran into a problem.

I realized I needed to use the bathroom, but I couldn't. No matter how much I tried, the bathroom eluded me.

Confusion hit. After all, I was lucid, writing down information from some source in my brain, had been doing this for hours, so I was awake, right? So then why would I struggle to use the bathroom? I was thinking, I was lucid, I felt fully awake. All of my senses were active. Sight, sound, feeling, touch, etc. But then there entered a bit of cognitive dissonance in that the sounds and feelings from my environment were clashing with sounds and feelings I was feeling. I felt both at the same time, but the latter alien sounds/feelings that didn't match what I was seeing were slowly overpowering me. And I had no clue what was going on initially.

And then the dawning realization sank in, initiating the next emotion: panic. Not panic at being trapped, mind you, but in past experiences where I've had much worse versions of this where I couldn't escape the hellhole, you'd be forgiven for thinking I was panicking at being trapped (since being trapped is commonplace when this happens to me, leading to some of the worst nights of my life).

No, this panic was over the story I had made. "What about all of the writing I just did?!?" I tried, desperately, to stare at the papers, to try and have them be real, to have all those hours of work exist in reality, for the things I wrote down to be reuploaded into my brain, but it was all for naught, leading to the next two emotions:

An equal mixture of despair and rage.

Because it was at this point I realized what had happened.

I was lucid dreaming.

I know that when you're dreaming, you're not supposed to be able to read anything, but apparently there's no rule against writing when you're lucid dreaming. And write I did. I got the details perfect in the writing. The writing paper had the look and feel of real paper. The words written were an exact match to my handwriting, and even the color of the pencil's markings on paper were right. I was, legitimately, writing in my own handwriting, in a lucid dream.

And my mind was doing exactly what it did when writing in real life, trusting in the written text to hold onto my memories of the world I had built overnight.

Except I wasn't awake when I wrote them.

And that meant that the writing was vanishing from my memory.

All I could collect was fragments, from the last desperate attempts to hold onto anything. Glances at papers which I knew contained more, and yet now I blank on everything except the memory of it having been a Wizard class I was working on last.

Hours of work.

All gone.

Because I was working on it in a lucid dream rather than while actually awake.

In hindsight, the speed at which I was worldbuilding and writing things down and how coherent it was should've been a red flag. There's never that much clarity when I am actually awake and writing things down. But at the time. There was just rage and despair.

Both due to how a world that I knew to be worthy of being made ended up not surviving until I was awake. Rage that I had let it be lost, that the lucid dream's formatting where I was so sure I was awake meant that I couldn't recover anything. Despair, because I knew it was a brilliant world.

I felt a deep sense of loss.

Do you know what it's like to feel like you have lost something profound, but be unable to recall what it is you lost?

Because that's exactly what it was. I felt a deep, profound, absolute, resounding sense of complete and total loss. But in spite of knowing I had lost something...I can't remember what, exactly, it is that I lost. If I could remember what it is that I lost, it wouldn't be lost. But I know that I glimpsed some amazing story of my own creation, and now that it is completely and entirely...gone. Gone, gone. Beyond recovery, gone.

Which is saddening beyond depths you could comprehend.

Imagine if Phyrra and Cyrus had suffered this fate, for instance.

Phyrra and Cyrus, perhaps the greatest idea I have ever dreamt up, was...well, from exactly that: a dream. The dream was chaotic, shattered, and I am sure I lost a good deal of the original idea after I woke up...but the key aspect of it is that I managed to recover enough of Phyrra and Cyrus to weave together a narrative that was coherent and perhaps even better than the original dream.

Phyrra and Cyrus, the work I want to make reality more than ever, was that close to suffering a similar fate. All it'd have taken for Phyrra and Cyrus to never exist in my mind was a single lucid dream that deleted the idea from my mind by the time I woke up.

And a work worthy of rivaling Phyrra and Cyrus in scale, in scope--just suffered that fate.

Phyrra and Cyrus I salvaged from ruination by having enough remain after I woke up to restructure things, refill in the gaps.

But this work, I don't have enough. I have the fact that it was a fantasy setting, I was working on classes, and specifically the Wizard class. I don't even remember the DETAILS of the Wizard class, or any of the other classes! I have...NOTHING left of the world.

And our world is the lesser because of it.

Suffice to say.

I woke up today both prematurely and restless, with me having not gotten a good night's sleep.

After all, for god only knows how many hours, my brain wasn't asleep.

It was recording an idea thinking it was preserving it, while in actuality unwittingly destroying it and rendering it unable to be saved.

​Not a fun way to wake up.

This one I devised as a webcomic, involving a mixture of sci-fi and fantasy elements, with bits of slice of life added to it.

The central point is about a strong woman leader, who created a time traveling force that's dedicated towards saving lives from various tragedies (mostly massacres, but can be terrorist acts or even natural disasters). The saved lives can be saved either through faking their deaths or by averting the tragedy altogether.

The point of view character is, however, mostly not the leader and founder of the organization; she's the most important character and is prominently featured especially at the beginning, but the main point of view character is actually the naïve newcomer:

We get to witness how the team rescues him and his entire village from a massacre, which we get to see his point of view from as well, where they explain that had they not intervened, everyone (himself included) would have died. (To which he just says, "...Oh.")

He ends up being recruited to this time traveling task force though, in part due to his natural talents. The time traveling task force organization is able to do what they do thanks to the aid of a supercomputer (and, partially, because the leader has a bond with a divine entity; on her forehead there's an eye-tattoo mark that's actually the conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power).

The viewpoint protagonist character, the naïve newcomer, happens to have an innate gift for real-time projection of the supercomputer's model. It's described as basically, the supercomputer projects on a 2D basis, and he is able to process it in a 3D image, with a perfect ability to transition what the supercomputer projects into real life. Basically, he is able to perfectly remember what the supercomputer says (they can't actually take the supercomputer with them on their missions), and then see it (kinda sorta Intersect style from Chuck) overlaid in real life (but think more controlled, more ghostly-3d-imagely) and manage to act on that.

This makes him something of a huge asset on the field. Beyond that, he's also got a huge amount of combat training, is not actually stupid and is naturally smart, charismatic, clever, etc. He was going to lead his village's defense initially, after all. (It wouldn't have worked, per it being a massacre the time travel organization prevents, butstill.) He's got a wide array of, so to speak, adventuring skills. He knows how to approach people, he's decent at adapting to local cultures, he's basically naturally suited to the work.

Also, he, like the leader, has a divine influence--but unlike the leader whose divine entity with a conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power, he has the entirety of the divine deity (the divine deity inside of him having somehow been hurt badly enough to need to be entirely rather than partially within him), which gives him a huge amount of power.

Magic in this setting doesn't exist everywhere. In fact it only exists in a few places, most places notably don't have magic. (The places with magic are common enough that people know magic exists, but they also know that magic only works in those places and ceases to work outside of those places.)

But in the places magic does work, he is an insanely powerful user of it, albeit largely untrained/untapped.

Furthermore, eventually, down the line, a specific incident ends up cloning the main protagonist character, creating two of him. Unlike most settings where this happens, both are treated as the real deal and with all the freedom to be whoever they want. The two have the same abilities, memories, experiences, etc. before but would over time slightly diverge, but neither is going to be forced to do anything different. The one and only requirement they have is of a tactically-necessary one;

The naïve newcomer protagonist is, explicitly, as soon as he is revealed to be the main character, revealed to be telling the story of how he went from the naïve newcomer to being the organization's second in command and field commander (the one actually in charge of time operations).

Both of hims can end commanding. They are, explicitly, both the exact same rank with the exact same authority as field commander and second in command. They're required to have a mind link whenever giving orders as to not give contradictory orders, where one giving an order is aware of the other giving an order and exactly why the order is being given.

Otherwise, they are free to be themselves, both equally as much the protagonist.

This also only makes him stronger; both of hims have the ability to 3D project the computations, and both of hims have the full deity within them, which means that when they tag-team, they are capable of doing missions that the supercomputer by itself wouldn't be able to handle. In other words, their tag-teaming is more powerful than the supercomputer, able to do things the organization couldn't before.

The story starts with him, however, largely learning the ropes as a rookie. After all, just because he's that powerful and naturally competent doesn't mean he's experienced. He's not going to know everything, so he has to have things explained to him, and has to take time where aspects of the organization are explained to him (and by proxy, the audience).

But eventually, he rises to the rank of field commander and second in command, and from there field operations continue, with more slice of life elements contained within.

I've actually been having a lot of dreams worthy of recording as stories recently, and last night had at least two that were incredibly coherent, filled (they were mostly with a start middle and ending where I could manually fill in the gaps), basically worthy of being a Phyrra and Cyrus tier of story that came from a dream that I could flesh out into a real world.

Unfortunately.

I've been unable to motivate myself to actually.

Be new.

Be creative to something new.

All I want.

All I want to do.

Is revisit the old.

Old, and old, over and over again.

And I bet my depression certainly doesn't help.

That said.

I AM trying my best to do my best.

I'm doing not enough and feel like doing ten things. League, tft ranked, tft hyper-roll, chrono trigger, stardew valley, minecraft. I don't have the time to do them all in a day, best I can do is like 2-4 out of the six.

And the more I am to the higher end, the more likely it is that it came at the cost of daily stuff I should be doing daily. Like emails, mafia stuff, staying on top of webcomics, even rl health stuff.

​I'm also finding myself going to bed earlier and waking up at the same time or later. Like, I'm dead tired now at 4:20 am. That's an hour or two earlier than the time I normally would be dead tired, and yes, I am writing this just before I am going to go to bed.

I am still going to sleep until like 2, or 3, or even 4 pm. In spite of going to bed 1-2 hours early, I will wake up at the same time or later.

Sleeping literally 12 hours is something which has been happening to me as of late.

It's possible my body is short on vitamins or something, but if I had to wager a guess, most of this tiredness and long sleep is due to depression.

That said.

I am doing what I can.

While I'm largely dead inside for most things, some things in my more manic moments have actually been inspired--for instance, I actually think that I might have it in me to draw Elemental Ruby.

Elemental Ruby.

I'm pretty sure I've blogged about her before.

But it was a long long time ago because I don't really talk much about Red Hood Rider in spite of having not lost my desire to make it. (My desire to make it has only grown, rather than shrunk.)

So to refresh your memory.

Elemental Ruby is Ruby Scarlett Ventrella, canonically after the end of her titular series, Red Hood Rider. She first gains access to the form ~10 years after the ending of the story, and by the time she passes the mantle of Elemental Rider of Light on to the next generation (small spoiler there, but one which canonically makes an appearance before the end of the series anyway so it's not much of a spoiler that it happens as I am not revealing the how), her vampiric powers have grown to the extent where she keeps the form permanently, albeit losing the actual light-aspects of it, with her simply mimicking the appearance of the light powers while using pure darkness ones.

Elemental Ruby is Ruby's final, and ultimate, super form, combining aspects of her previous super forms. She has footwear of the arbalest armor super mode, with her boots literally made of the crossbow (also allowing her to jump on air and accelerating her jumps). On her thighs as thigh bands she has blades that are her darkness staff's bladed section, acting as both arrows and knives/shortswords.

Her skirt is a strapless, shoulderness, backless dress which prominently shows off her stomach. (Dresses in real life might be able to do 2/4, potentially 3/4, but all four would probably be beyond the realm of possible. Fortunately for Ruby, she has magic.) It also has slits at the thighs to allow for greater range of movement.

Ruby's right arm is covered in tendrils of darkness, with a red gem sticking out of the 'glove' on the back side of the hand. Her left arm is covered in threads of light, with a gem that I believe is colored white, and these threads also form a hard-light construct of a bow.

Erupting from near the shoulderblades, she has two wings/capes that combine the properties of feathered wings and malleable, pliable, fabric-like capes in that they provide flight but are flexible, can cover her back, fold in, are fully controlled by her, and take from her Archangel form. The right wing is white, the left wing is black, and they can shoot feathers like arrows/knives, and are very very long. (I think like 20 feet long?)

Her hair is alternating strands of black and golden hair, and is ankle-length, going all the way down. Her mask when she chooses to wear it...well, that I don't remember off the top of my head because I didn't want to draw the masked version of her, I wanted to draw the unmasked version of her.

Basically, it's an incredibly detailed, nuanced, elegant, gorgeous, animated form--one I previously said that I could draw maybe one piece of it at a time but that was it. That I'd never be able to draw the whole thing at once.

Well, sans the mask (which I don't perfectly remember and don't actually have the inspiration/vision to draw as it was specifically her unmasked self I thought about), I actually think that I could draw her that way now.

Yes, really.

I think I could pull it off.

I'd just need to actually start drawing.

Something I've not done recently because there's so much to do in a day.

So much to do, so little time, and I waste most of it on games.

That depends on what I manage to do tonight. So tomorrow, I may move it back one day, two days, or no days, depending both on tomorrow and today. Basically: I might not be doing Phyrra and Cyrus tonight (tho it's not off the table altogether), but I did have an idea which I want to investigate. (Basically, I was thinking of making a tiktok and releasing daily videos with a particular gimmick.)

​But today, in a blog that will last until at some point the site inevitably removes the content, fails, or something of that sort. As in, a blog that will presumably last a fair amount of time rather than remain invisible. A public blog that may not last forever because no website does and websites can pull stunts like deleting content on them. (And weebly isn't a site I have much trust in.)

I wanted to, in a broader platform, put on here what amounts to a slight copy-paste of blog-worthy material I've been placing elsewhere. (Heck, it was those answers which actually got me back to blogging here.)

Someone asked me what I think is my most useful talent/skill. I told them that it's my bottomless barrel of creativity and ideas.

I literally come up with a bunch of ideas every day. Some are for things to do in games. E.g. builds in League, ideas for things to do in minecraft, comps to test out in tft, customizing modded versions of Civ 3 in the Civ 3 editor.

Some are for things in real life, which I would do if I had the resources to do.

Most are for various different forms of entertainment, though:
Video games that I come up with that I'd love to create, if not for lacking the skills.
Webcomics that I come up with that I'd love to create, tho sadly most are too ambitious given my level of skill.
Stories, usually novels (but occasionally shorter ones), that I (mostly--some are rather ambitious) have the capacity to create, if I focused on them and dedicated myself to making them.
Songs that I lack the skills to create.
Music that I mentally compose but have no way of bringing to reality.
Animated stories that I would love to create but which with what little research I have done would cost in the range of one million dollars to actually fund (due to animators being expensive and voice actors being expensive--keep in mind, one million dollars is the amount I estimated with animators/voice actors working at just below market rate, and that it's closer to 1.5 million if they charge market rate or higher).
(Heck, I've also come up with ideas for becoming a streamer, doing tiktok videos, maybe dabbling in youtube creation!)

I can pitch to people my ideas and they will always go, "That sounds so COOL!", pointing out how awesome, amazing, and unique the idea is, how incredible it sounds, how they wish it was made (so do I! My greatest regret is that all of the beautiful things inside my mind that will never be created because in spite of how rich their worlds/characters/etc. are I cannot make them all), and how they wish me luck in my creative endeavors.

But then I can't actually make them.

Yet they appear on a daily basis.

Literally almost every day, I am creating a new idea.

But even if I could commit to an idea, each idea would take, what? A year? Two years? At minimum to pull off. (Some ideas I've calculated could take ten years to pull off!) A year or two, for one idea; new ideas, every single day.

I make new ideas faster than I could ever create them.

And few, if any, of them are bad. Most are wonderful, vivid, unique, breathtaking, highly creative, and just...overall. Something that should be made, which had every right to be made.

They just...aren't.

And then there's always the chance.

That I go my entire life without bringing any of them to a fully, wholly, entirely realized life. Where they are, in completed form, distributed across the world for all to have access to. There's a chance literally nothing I ever dream up ends up being made. After all. I've been actively trying since I was 13 (I've been making things my whole life, but 13 was the first time I had the idea of marketing these ideas to others outside of my brain), and that was 14 years ago--

In 14 years of trying, I've yet to succeed. In 14 years of trying, I've not once managed to pull it off. I've always fallen short, I've always failed, eventually, at some point.

That doesn't mean succeeding on my own is impossible, or that I've given up entirely. I haven't. I just need to be realistic in accepting that, yes, I've got a very high hill to climb.


Not gonna lie tho--
Something I really really wish I had was a sort of 'life manager', or at least, 'idea manager'. Where I could have someone who could keep me on-track, keep me on the road to success, remove the distractions from my life or at least strictly budget them, force me to work on things even when I don't want to, find ways to work with me to focus my creative energies, brainstorm my ideas with me, and with their push, get me to make them real.

But, I don't think that's something I can get. Not for free, anyway, and I certainly don't have the money to pay someone to do that. It's also something which I imagine would be more effective to be done in-person, both because I am liable to forget things online, procrastinate, etc., and it's harder to get things on-track online compared to in-person. I can definitely say there's a huge difference between my dear friend reminding me to do something and my mom or older sister (both of which I live with) reminding me to do something.

The former, I may do, but not always, and often with delay. The latter, I may do with delay but almost always WILL do, often immediately.

I know that if I had someone who could do that sort of thing for me, I would, guaranteed, succeed--but waiting for a person like that to show up and accepting defeat before then is something that will mean I never will succeed.

So I try to make do without, to try on my own. With a very very low success rate, but trying > not trying, waiting, and hoping that in the future some mystical force will come to my rescue/aid.

I was also asked what ideas I would make if I had the time/focus.

​The big one would be Phyrra and Cyrus, an anime-style 2D animated (ideally posted onto the web) series. Separated into four seasons, each approximately 12 episodes (tho I believe the last season would do better with 2-4 extra, for 50-52 total instead).

The basic premise; the world (the working universe title was INFINIverse/INFIverse, but I found out both of those names for a universe were taken so I settled on colliniverse, the origin of that being the collision between INFINITY and Nothingness) is a High Fantasy world. The protagonists, Phyrra (a swordswoman) and Cyrus (a tactician/strategist) Thaumason (Thaumason is pronounced almost identically to 'Thompson', just instead of a soft 'puh', it's a soft 'muh', and is about as common a surname in Lilim as Thompson is on earth), are twin (fairly mature-for-their-age) 11-year-old adventurers, with aspirations to become the greatest adventurers of all time--even in the world of Lilim (the name of the planet), this is an unusual oddity, since most adventurers start at least at 16, if not 18, with the average adventuring age being 16-36.

They didn't want to wait that long, but they realize their young age will be held against them. Their goal is to seek out the legendary artifact, the Book of Infinity (which, in actuality, is a remnant of INFINITY itself, but to explain that I'd need to give an explanation for what INFINITY was), which rumor states is able to grant the user(s) any power they imagine, including ability to magically age oneself.

In the first episode, they succeed--they find the book in the same chamber containing the four major elemental books (Book of Fire, Book of Water, Book of Air, Book of Earth), and they manage to actually activate the book of infinity...which triggers the curse/trap of the book. Designed to kill any individual who touched the book, when both of them grabbed the book at the same time, it instead switched their souls, placing Phyrra in Cyrus's body and Cyrus in Phyrra's body. However, it also gave them access to magic (magic, in this world, can be learned by anyone...but it takes approximately 30 years to master, and even 'spellbladers', who use specialized specific lesser magic oriented on one specific trait, are typically in their 20s), as well as the ability to access and master the four elemental books.

To escape, they activate the book of air, summoning its guardian, Gora the Rock Golem (all elemental books are protected by their opposite element), who helps teach them the spell necessary to leave. And from there, their adventure continues. The cast of the Thaukama (Thaumason + Nakama portmantu) expands to include Ace Samson, a teenaged adventurer skilled in tracking, ranged weaponry, and medicine (think the DND class of 'Ranger'); Cedrick (don't have his last name memorized, oof), their initial rival adventurer, a spellblader whose magic is specific to telekinetic control of platinum spheres; Kaze, the Wind Shade (guardian of the book of earth); Myra, the Siren/Mermaid/Sea Serpent (guardian of the book of fire); Bard Tune Song, a teenaged street rat (think an even more hypercompetent Aladdin) whose father was a powerful Demon that resembles a werewolf; Clara (also don't have her full name memorized, oof), an apprentice Paladin (Paladins being a specific spellblader school specializing in light magic); Hera, the Dragon Phoenix (guardian of the book of water); William Grant Clemency, an Adept (basically, can see the true nature of things) who is nobility in Lilim's New World (largely uncivilized new continent, think America circa 1700s); Lilian Rose Wolfe, a tailor; and Alena (also don't have her full name memorized, oof), a young Botanist/Alchemist.

Throughout their adventures, they fight monsters, villains, evil overlords, and make their name known, all while seeking a way to undo their switched souls...because as long as they are in each other's bodies...they won't age so much as a day, and are stuck eternally 11 until such a time as they figure out how to undo the curse permanently.



I can explain more, like the way the four worlds (afterlife, demon realm, spirit realm, mortal realm) work, the way spirits work, the way demons work, various magitek items involved in the setting (they have stuff which basically is on the level of a smartphone), etc. but I think the idea is clear enough.

I originally thought that there would be much much heavier themes involved regarding the body swap, that it'd touch more heavily on issues like effectively being trans--but over time, I realized that in spite of the body swap, it's actually only a minor thing. Something that, yes, comes up, and yes, is essential to the plot, but which is only a minor thing. It's a story of adventurers first, a coming of age story second, and has the issues of the body swap only third.

I have names for almost every episode; I have mentally worked out almost every episode; I basically know what happens, when, down to the episode, with entire plot arcs mapped out.


But, 1: I have no experience writing for an animated project, I have no clue what I'm doing, and,
2: Animation is ludicrously expensive. Initial google search I did right now says one second of animation is $150 at the cheapest--times that by 60 for one minute, times that by ~25 for the length of the episode, times that by 48-52, and you get: $225,000 * 48-52. (I did a google search two years ago and I think that one said $30/second, which is cheaper, but still hugely expensive.)
Just for the animation.
And then you've gotta hire voice actors.
Not to mention, composers to compose the music for the series.
Not to mention, video editors for sound effects.

It might be possible to get a kickstarter going for the project. But to get a kickstarter, I need to be in a position better than what I am in now. Plan is to write the initial script for all the episodes, try and map it out loosely scene by scene, roughly estimate the amount of time it takes, finish the lyrics for the openers/closers of each season, maybe make some loose storyboards of panels screencapping loose ideas of what I want to make, and hope the fuck that by the time I get all of this done, it's gotten me enough competency to know what I am doing to the point where I am able to justify a kickstarter to fundraise it.



All of this is ludicrously ambitious, I know, but Phyrra and Cyrus is the project I have most wanted to complete for over two years now.


If I give up on an ambitious project that I am very much out of my depth for? If I decide that I need better connections before jumping off the deep end, if I decide that I need to be established in an industry already before branching out?

Well, the main area I'd do that is in writing. Right now, mostly superhero stories. Well, one's a superhero story, but most of them are supervillain stories; I've thought up at least four different ones. Most have some inspiration from Worm, but each is distinctly their own universe, with their own rules, their own premise, their own characters, etc. Writing them is comparatively easy, and they're largely fleshed out enough where I could make any of them reality; I just haven't done them yet.

When it comes to talents I would like to have but do not possess, the obvious answer would be the ability to animate things myself. (That, or the ability to do everything necessary in editing videos. Either skill would save me a ton.)

But in skills not applicable to my ambitions...life skills. Washing/drying laundry (my mom showed me how to do it once or twice, did not stick as a skill, need to learn the ins and outs of it), washing dishes or at least how to properly handle a dishwasher (how to organize it, what to put where, what I need to do to run it, and when run, what to put where), cooking food, and also: doing makeup.

Laundry and dishes I think I can maybe figure out how to fumble through on my own, cooking is something that I haven't really done but which I may have the ability to fumble through on my own, so of these I'd say the skill I'd most want due to it being the one I least think I can fumble through on my own, would be learning how to apply makeup to myself.

I've seen makeup be applied to people before, and even have them talk through the process as they were having it applied. But in order to get good at applying makeup, I'd need to have all the supplies in front of me, and be able to freeze-frame, frame by frame, analyze with clearly visible what's-what things, step by step, work through it, and figure out what makeup is right for me.

Tho that said.

There's one skill that's both project-related, AND, real-life related: voice manipulation, as a skill/talent. Changing your voice takes lots and lots of practice and is something I lack right now, so I REALLY loathe my voice right now. And if I put in the work to have a more feminine voice, then in the process, I might pick up the skills to be able to voice some characters, or if not, at least give a better model for what I envision their voices to be. Or if not, at least hopefully allow me to sing better. Basically, lots of stuff with my voice would be useful for projects, but it's something that also would help for transitioning, too.

(Basically, overall: for a project? Animation. For real life? Makeup. For a combination of both: voice.)

​I was also asked what in 2020 I'm thankful for. In that, I instantly found my answer: ​increased presence on twitch and one community in particular there where I joined their discord and even am involved on their minecraft server.

I realize I don't have the setup for streaming, in spite of what I would want, and I realize that being involved in those communities isn't letting me spend time creating things on my own that have a tangible permanence to them (by which I mean, being involved can make me contribute to jokes, uplift spirits, etc., and my contributions there aren't meaningless since the community wouldn't be quite as good without them, but because I am one of dozens upon dozens there, while every drop I add into the pond matters, none of my additions there are something people will remember as being from me years from now; they helped, they were important, they meant something, but while you might remember the general vibe I contributed, you wouldn't remember my specific contribution to the vibe, because it's not my community, it's a community I am a part of).

Which is to say: doing stuff there isn't, for instance: making a game, writing a story, making art, making an animation. So spending time there isn't helping me succeed in any of my life's ambitions/dreams.

But I am, explicitly, okay with this, because I value that community in my life that much. They're worth it. I've asked myself if I would rather succeed in my goals or spend more time in the communities I love and remain a nobody, a person who hasn't succeeded at anything with tangible permanence to it, whose only successes are contributions to communities I am a part of but explicitly not the head of. I've asked if I'd rather strike out and succeed on my own while giving up on the communities I'm a member of, or if I'd rather remain intimately a part of those communities at the cost of increasing my odds of never succeeding in my grander goals.

The two are not actually mutually exclusive, of course. Spending less time in a community doesn't mean a total severing of ties with them; being intimately a part of a community does not mean I am guaranteed to fail at my grander ambitions.

But if it ever did come push to shove a choice between the two. I think I'd take the community I feel at home at, over the shot at success.
Ideally, I get the best of both worlds, obviously. I'm intimately involved in the community, but still trying to strike out on my own. But I value the community I'm spending time in more than I value a shot at success.

I want to succeed, but if I didn't succeed and spent a life in mediocrity, obscurity, in nothingness, but remained a part of communities I'd cherish, I would be content with that. Not happy, because I want to succeed. But content. I even developed a theory that was, more or less: almost every human has dreams and ambitions of doing great things in their lives, but most give up on these dreams and ambitions and fade into obscurity without being memorable on the grander scale of things; my theory is more or less that the conclusion I reached was the conclusion they reached, too; that it's alright, that it's okay, to not become famous, to not have tangible permanence in a legacy lasting after you are gone, if you are happy with the community you've built in life. The two are not mutually exclusive, but if forced to choose between one or the other, community > fame 9 times out of 10.

It's important to not accept defeat, to not give up, but it's also important to see how strong you value things. I value the community I've become a part of more than I value success in tangible permanence. And I know getting both isn't impossible. (Heck, basically all of the mods in that community have done exactly what I aim to do. They're becoming successful writers, artists, etc., and are successful streamers, who're building communities of their own! Yet they're still a part of the community. But their own communities, while overlapping with the community I know them from, are explicitly THEIRS, not just a carbon copy clone of the original community. I want to build a community of my own, that is truly mine, unique to me, and still be a part of that community. I know it's possible because I've literally almost a dozen examples from that community demonstrating their successes. It's just something I'm struggling with.)

I apologize for the haphazard lazy throwtogether of content I put elsewhere copy-pasted to here, but I figured it'd be good to get up on here, too.

Not that anyone reads my blogs, butstill. At least in theory, my blog is more accessible than the original location.