Choke it up to some of the worst mental health I've had, combined with most of the entries I've wanted to make being quite considerably lengthy, combined with me being absurdly tired as of late, today being no different and in fact me being more tired than normal due to what happened last night, which is what prompted this blog in the first place.

Let me set a scene for you.

I had an idea for some story--I don't remember much of the ideas for the story (why will become apparent if you keep reading), but I remember it was fantasy, it had a strict rigid gaming system in place (RPG mechanics with level ups, classes, etc.), and there were multiple classes, one of which, the final one I was working on, was Wizard. (Again, this is an important detail.)

I knew that if I didn't write the idea down, I wouldn't remember it though.

So not being an idiot, I did exactly that.

I took out some paper and with my mechanical pencil, in my handwriting (sloppy, large, messy as it may be) and in my style (with dashes to represent a bullet point list of sorts), I began working through writing down the details of every single class.

I brainstormed not only the world (which I wrote the details down of), but also worked out the exact workings of every single class, except for the last one, Wizard, which for some reason was taking me longer than the others I had completed.

But it was no problem, because not being an idiot, I had written down the entirety of the other classes along with the world, allowing me to 'delete' the knowledge from my consciousness and focus my full attention to finishing up the last class, Wizard, which I was about 80% finished on, just struggling to close out the finer details of. I was this close to finishing it, and having everything there for my brilliant idea of a setting. All the setting details, the characters, the classes, I had thought it all up over the course of a few hours, written it all down, completed it all.

It felt like as soon as I finished with ironing out the details of the Wizard class, I'd have gotten myself a complete idea that I could then make reality once I went onto my computer (since this was all done mentally, in my head, and then transcribed onto paper to record it).

But then I ran into a problem.

I realized I needed to use the bathroom, but I couldn't. No matter how much I tried, the bathroom eluded me.

Confusion hit. After all, I was lucid, writing down information from some source in my brain, had been doing this for hours, so I was awake, right? So then why would I struggle to use the bathroom? I was thinking, I was lucid, I felt fully awake. All of my senses were active. Sight, sound, feeling, touch, etc. But then there entered a bit of cognitive dissonance in that the sounds and feelings from my environment were clashing with sounds and feelings I was feeling. I felt both at the same time, but the latter alien sounds/feelings that didn't match what I was seeing were slowly overpowering me. And I had no clue what was going on initially.

And then the dawning realization sank in, initiating the next emotion: panic. Not panic at being trapped, mind you, but in past experiences where I've had much worse versions of this where I couldn't escape the hellhole, you'd be forgiven for thinking I was panicking at being trapped (since being trapped is commonplace when this happens to me, leading to some of the worst nights of my life).

No, this panic was over the story I had made. "What about all of the writing I just did?!?" I tried, desperately, to stare at the papers, to try and have them be real, to have all those hours of work exist in reality, for the things I wrote down to be reuploaded into my brain, but it was all for naught, leading to the next two emotions:

An equal mixture of despair and rage.

Because it was at this point I realized what had happened.

I was lucid dreaming.

I know that when you're dreaming, you're not supposed to be able to read anything, but apparently there's no rule against writing when you're lucid dreaming. And write I did. I got the details perfect in the writing. The writing paper had the look and feel of real paper. The words written were an exact match to my handwriting, and even the color of the pencil's markings on paper were right. I was, legitimately, writing in my own handwriting, in a lucid dream.

And my mind was doing exactly what it did when writing in real life, trusting in the written text to hold onto my memories of the world I had built overnight.

Except I wasn't awake when I wrote them.

And that meant that the writing was vanishing from my memory.

All I could collect was fragments, from the last desperate attempts to hold onto anything. Glances at papers which I knew contained more, and yet now I blank on everything except the memory of it having been a Wizard class I was working on last.

Hours of work.

All gone.

Because I was working on it in a lucid dream rather than while actually awake.

In hindsight, the speed at which I was worldbuilding and writing things down and how coherent it was should've been a red flag. There's never that much clarity when I am actually awake and writing things down. But at the time. There was just rage and despair.

Both due to how a world that I knew to be worthy of being made ended up not surviving until I was awake. Rage that I had let it be lost, that the lucid dream's formatting where I was so sure I was awake meant that I couldn't recover anything. Despair, because I knew it was a brilliant world.

I felt a deep sense of loss.

Do you know what it's like to feel like you have lost something profound, but be unable to recall what it is you lost?

Because that's exactly what it was. I felt a deep, profound, absolute, resounding sense of complete and total loss. But in spite of knowing I had lost something...I can't remember what, exactly, it is that I lost. If I could remember what it is that I lost, it wouldn't be lost. But I know that I glimpsed some amazing story of my own creation, and now that it is completely and entirely...gone. Gone, gone. Beyond recovery, gone.

Which is saddening beyond depths you could comprehend.

Imagine if Phyrra and Cyrus had suffered this fate, for instance.

Phyrra and Cyrus, perhaps the greatest idea I have ever dreamt up, was...well, from exactly that: a dream. The dream was chaotic, shattered, and I am sure I lost a good deal of the original idea after I woke up...but the key aspect of it is that I managed to recover enough of Phyrra and Cyrus to weave together a narrative that was coherent and perhaps even better than the original dream.

Phyrra and Cyrus, the work I want to make reality more than ever, was that close to suffering a similar fate. All it'd have taken for Phyrra and Cyrus to never exist in my mind was a single lucid dream that deleted the idea from my mind by the time I woke up.

And a work worthy of rivaling Phyrra and Cyrus in scale, in scope--just suffered that fate.

Phyrra and Cyrus I salvaged from ruination by having enough remain after I woke up to restructure things, refill in the gaps.

But this work, I don't have enough. I have the fact that it was a fantasy setting, I was working on classes, and specifically the Wizard class. I don't even remember the DETAILS of the Wizard class, or any of the other classes! I have...NOTHING left of the world.

And our world is the lesser because of it.

Suffice to say.

I woke up today both prematurely and restless, with me having not gotten a good night's sleep.

After all, for god only knows how many hours, my brain wasn't asleep.

It was recording an idea thinking it was preserving it, while in actuality unwittingly destroying it and rendering it unable to be saved.

​Not a fun way to wake up.

This one I devised as a webcomic, involving a mixture of sci-fi and fantasy elements, with bits of slice of life added to it.

The central point is about a strong woman leader, who created a time traveling force that's dedicated towards saving lives from various tragedies (mostly massacres, but can be terrorist acts or even natural disasters). The saved lives can be saved either through faking their deaths or by averting the tragedy altogether.

The point of view character is, however, mostly not the leader and founder of the organization; she's the most important character and is prominently featured especially at the beginning, but the main point of view character is actually the naïve newcomer:

We get to witness how the team rescues him and his entire village from a massacre, which we get to see his point of view from as well, where they explain that had they not intervened, everyone (himself included) would have died. (To which he just says, "...Oh.")

He ends up being recruited to this time traveling task force though, in part due to his natural talents. The time traveling task force organization is able to do what they do thanks to the aid of a supercomputer (and, partially, because the leader has a bond with a divine entity; on her forehead there's an eye-tattoo mark that's actually the conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power).

The viewpoint protagonist character, the naïve newcomer, happens to have an innate gift for real-time projection of the supercomputer's model. It's described as basically, the supercomputer projects on a 2D basis, and he is able to process it in a 3D image, with a perfect ability to transition what the supercomputer projects into real life. Basically, he is able to perfectly remember what the supercomputer says (they can't actually take the supercomputer with them on their missions), and then see it (kinda sorta Intersect style from Chuck) overlaid in real life (but think more controlled, more ghostly-3d-imagely) and manage to act on that.

This makes him something of a huge asset on the field. Beyond that, he's also got a huge amount of combat training, is not actually stupid and is naturally smart, charismatic, clever, etc. He was going to lead his village's defense initially, after all. (It wouldn't have worked, per it being a massacre the time travel organization prevents, butstill.) He's got a wide array of, so to speak, adventuring skills. He knows how to approach people, he's decent at adapting to local cultures, he's basically naturally suited to the work.

Also, he, like the leader, has a divine influence--but unlike the leader whose divine entity with a conduit containing a small fraction of a deity's power, he has the entirety of the divine deity (the divine deity inside of him having somehow been hurt badly enough to need to be entirely rather than partially within him), which gives him a huge amount of power.

Magic in this setting doesn't exist everywhere. In fact it only exists in a few places, most places notably don't have magic. (The places with magic are common enough that people know magic exists, but they also know that magic only works in those places and ceases to work outside of those places.)

But in the places magic does work, he is an insanely powerful user of it, albeit largely untrained/untapped.

Furthermore, eventually, down the line, a specific incident ends up cloning the main protagonist character, creating two of him. Unlike most settings where this happens, both are treated as the real deal and with all the freedom to be whoever they want. The two have the same abilities, memories, experiences, etc. before but would over time slightly diverge, but neither is going to be forced to do anything different. The one and only requirement they have is of a tactically-necessary one;

The naïve newcomer protagonist is, explicitly, as soon as he is revealed to be the main character, revealed to be telling the story of how he went from the naïve newcomer to being the organization's second in command and field commander (the one actually in charge of time operations).

Both of hims can end commanding. They are, explicitly, both the exact same rank with the exact same authority as field commander and second in command. They're required to have a mind link whenever giving orders as to not give contradictory orders, where one giving an order is aware of the other giving an order and exactly why the order is being given.

Otherwise, they are free to be themselves, both equally as much the protagonist.

This also only makes him stronger; both of hims have the ability to 3D project the computations, and both of hims have the full deity within them, which means that when they tag-team, they are capable of doing missions that the supercomputer by itself wouldn't be able to handle. In other words, their tag-teaming is more powerful than the supercomputer, able to do things the organization couldn't before.

The story starts with him, however, largely learning the ropes as a rookie. After all, just because he's that powerful and naturally competent doesn't mean he's experienced. He's not going to know everything, so he has to have things explained to him, and has to take time where aspects of the organization are explained to him (and by proxy, the audience).

But eventually, he rises to the rank of field commander and second in command, and from there field operations continue, with more slice of life elements contained within.

I've actually been having a lot of dreams worthy of recording as stories recently, and last night had at least two that were incredibly coherent, filled (they were mostly with a start middle and ending where I could manually fill in the gaps), basically worthy of being a Phyrra and Cyrus tier of story that came from a dream that I could flesh out into a real world.

Unfortunately.

I've been unable to motivate myself to actually.

Be new.

Be creative to something new.

All I want.

All I want to do.

Is revisit the old.

Old, and old, over and over again.

And I bet my depression certainly doesn't help.

That said.

I AM trying my best to do my best.

I'm doing not enough and feel like doing ten things. League, tft ranked, tft hyper-roll, chrono trigger, stardew valley, minecraft. I don't have the time to do them all in a day, best I can do is like 2-4 out of the six.

And the more I am to the higher end, the more likely it is that it came at the cost of daily stuff I should be doing daily. Like emails, mafia stuff, staying on top of webcomics, even rl health stuff.

​I'm also finding myself going to bed earlier and waking up at the same time or later. Like, I'm dead tired now at 4:20 am. That's an hour or two earlier than the time I normally would be dead tired, and yes, I am writing this just before I am going to go to bed.

I am still going to sleep until like 2, or 3, or even 4 pm. In spite of going to bed 1-2 hours early, I will wake up at the same time or later.

Sleeping literally 12 hours is something which has been happening to me as of late.

It's possible my body is short on vitamins or something, but if I had to wager a guess, most of this tiredness and long sleep is due to depression.

That said.

I am doing what I can.

While I'm largely dead inside for most things, some things in my more manic moments have actually been inspired--for instance, I actually think that I might have it in me to draw Elemental Ruby.

Elemental Ruby.

I'm pretty sure I've blogged about her before.

But it was a long long time ago because I don't really talk much about Red Hood Rider in spite of having not lost my desire to make it. (My desire to make it has only grown, rather than shrunk.)

So to refresh your memory.

Elemental Ruby is Ruby Scarlett Ventrella, canonically after the end of her titular series, Red Hood Rider. She first gains access to the form ~10 years after the ending of the story, and by the time she passes the mantle of Elemental Rider of Light on to the next generation (small spoiler there, but one which canonically makes an appearance before the end of the series anyway so it's not much of a spoiler that it happens as I am not revealing the how), her vampiric powers have grown to the extent where she keeps the form permanently, albeit losing the actual light-aspects of it, with her simply mimicking the appearance of the light powers while using pure darkness ones.

Elemental Ruby is Ruby's final, and ultimate, super form, combining aspects of her previous super forms. She has footwear of the arbalest armor super mode, with her boots literally made of the crossbow (also allowing her to jump on air and accelerating her jumps). On her thighs as thigh bands she has blades that are her darkness staff's bladed section, acting as both arrows and knives/shortswords.

Her skirt is a strapless, shoulderness, backless dress which prominently shows off her stomach. (Dresses in real life might be able to do 2/4, potentially 3/4, but all four would probably be beyond the realm of possible. Fortunately for Ruby, she has magic.) It also has slits at the thighs to allow for greater range of movement.

Ruby's right arm is covered in tendrils of darkness, with a red gem sticking out of the 'glove' on the back side of the hand. Her left arm is covered in threads of light, with a gem that I believe is colored white, and these threads also form a hard-light construct of a bow.

Erupting from near the shoulderblades, she has two wings/capes that combine the properties of feathered wings and malleable, pliable, fabric-like capes in that they provide flight but are flexible, can cover her back, fold in, are fully controlled by her, and take from her Archangel form. The right wing is white, the left wing is black, and they can shoot feathers like arrows/knives, and are very very long. (I think like 20 feet long?)

Her hair is alternating strands of black and golden hair, and is ankle-length, going all the way down. Her mask when she chooses to wear it...well, that I don't remember off the top of my head because I didn't want to draw the masked version of her, I wanted to draw the unmasked version of her.

Basically, it's an incredibly detailed, nuanced, elegant, gorgeous, animated form--one I previously said that I could draw maybe one piece of it at a time but that was it. That I'd never be able to draw the whole thing at once.

Well, sans the mask (which I don't perfectly remember and don't actually have the inspiration/vision to draw as it was specifically her unmasked self I thought about), I actually think that I could draw her that way now.

Yes, really.

I think I could pull it off.

I'd just need to actually start drawing.

Something I've not done recently because there's so much to do in a day.

So much to do, so little time, and I waste most of it on games.

That depends on what I manage to do tonight. So tomorrow, I may move it back one day, two days, or no days, depending both on tomorrow and today. Basically: I might not be doing Phyrra and Cyrus tonight (tho it's not off the table altogether), but I did have an idea which I want to investigate. (Basically, I was thinking of making a tiktok and releasing daily videos with a particular gimmick.)

​But today, in a blog that will last until at some point the site inevitably removes the content, fails, or something of that sort. As in, a blog that will presumably last a fair amount of time rather than remain invisible. A public blog that may not last forever because no website does and websites can pull stunts like deleting content on them. (And weebly isn't a site I have much trust in.)

I wanted to, in a broader platform, put on here what amounts to a slight copy-paste of blog-worthy material I've been placing elsewhere. (Heck, it was those answers which actually got me back to blogging here.)

Someone asked me what I think is my most useful talent/skill. I told them that it's my bottomless barrel of creativity and ideas.

I literally come up with a bunch of ideas every day. Some are for things to do in games. E.g. builds in League, ideas for things to do in minecraft, comps to test out in tft, customizing modded versions of Civ 3 in the Civ 3 editor.

Some are for things in real life, which I would do if I had the resources to do.

Most are for various different forms of entertainment, though:
Video games that I come up with that I'd love to create, if not for lacking the skills.
Webcomics that I come up with that I'd love to create, tho sadly most are too ambitious given my level of skill.
Stories, usually novels (but occasionally shorter ones), that I (mostly--some are rather ambitious) have the capacity to create, if I focused on them and dedicated myself to making them.
Songs that I lack the skills to create.
Music that I mentally compose but have no way of bringing to reality.
Animated stories that I would love to create but which with what little research I have done would cost in the range of one million dollars to actually fund (due to animators being expensive and voice actors being expensive--keep in mind, one million dollars is the amount I estimated with animators/voice actors working at just below market rate, and that it's closer to 1.5 million if they charge market rate or higher).
(Heck, I've also come up with ideas for becoming a streamer, doing tiktok videos, maybe dabbling in youtube creation!)

I can pitch to people my ideas and they will always go, "That sounds so COOL!", pointing out how awesome, amazing, and unique the idea is, how incredible it sounds, how they wish it was made (so do I! My greatest regret is that all of the beautiful things inside my mind that will never be created because in spite of how rich their worlds/characters/etc. are I cannot make them all), and how they wish me luck in my creative endeavors.

But then I can't actually make them.

Yet they appear on a daily basis.

Literally almost every day, I am creating a new idea.

But even if I could commit to an idea, each idea would take, what? A year? Two years? At minimum to pull off. (Some ideas I've calculated could take ten years to pull off!) A year or two, for one idea; new ideas, every single day.

I make new ideas faster than I could ever create them.

And few, if any, of them are bad. Most are wonderful, vivid, unique, breathtaking, highly creative, and just...overall. Something that should be made, which had every right to be made.

They just...aren't.

And then there's always the chance.

That I go my entire life without bringing any of them to a fully, wholly, entirely realized life. Where they are, in completed form, distributed across the world for all to have access to. There's a chance literally nothing I ever dream up ends up being made. After all. I've been actively trying since I was 13 (I've been making things my whole life, but 13 was the first time I had the idea of marketing these ideas to others outside of my brain), and that was 14 years ago--

In 14 years of trying, I've yet to succeed. In 14 years of trying, I've not once managed to pull it off. I've always fallen short, I've always failed, eventually, at some point.

That doesn't mean succeeding on my own is impossible, or that I've given up entirely. I haven't. I just need to be realistic in accepting that, yes, I've got a very high hill to climb.


Not gonna lie tho--
Something I really really wish I had was a sort of 'life manager', or at least, 'idea manager'. Where I could have someone who could keep me on-track, keep me on the road to success, remove the distractions from my life or at least strictly budget them, force me to work on things even when I don't want to, find ways to work with me to focus my creative energies, brainstorm my ideas with me, and with their push, get me to make them real.

But, I don't think that's something I can get. Not for free, anyway, and I certainly don't have the money to pay someone to do that. It's also something which I imagine would be more effective to be done in-person, both because I am liable to forget things online, procrastinate, etc., and it's harder to get things on-track online compared to in-person. I can definitely say there's a huge difference between my dear friend reminding me to do something and my mom or older sister (both of which I live with) reminding me to do something.

The former, I may do, but not always, and often with delay. The latter, I may do with delay but almost always WILL do, often immediately.

I know that if I had someone who could do that sort of thing for me, I would, guaranteed, succeed--but waiting for a person like that to show up and accepting defeat before then is something that will mean I never will succeed.

So I try to make do without, to try on my own. With a very very low success rate, but trying > not trying, waiting, and hoping that in the future some mystical force will come to my rescue/aid.

I was also asked what ideas I would make if I had the time/focus.

​The big one would be Phyrra and Cyrus, an anime-style 2D animated (ideally posted onto the web) series. Separated into four seasons, each approximately 12 episodes (tho I believe the last season would do better with 2-4 extra, for 50-52 total instead).

The basic premise; the world (the working universe title was INFINIverse/INFIverse, but I found out both of those names for a universe were taken so I settled on colliniverse, the origin of that being the collision between INFINITY and Nothingness) is a High Fantasy world. The protagonists, Phyrra (a swordswoman) and Cyrus (a tactician/strategist) Thaumason (Thaumason is pronounced almost identically to 'Thompson', just instead of a soft 'puh', it's a soft 'muh', and is about as common a surname in Lilim as Thompson is on earth), are twin (fairly mature-for-their-age) 11-year-old adventurers, with aspirations to become the greatest adventurers of all time--even in the world of Lilim (the name of the planet), this is an unusual oddity, since most adventurers start at least at 16, if not 18, with the average adventuring age being 16-36.

They didn't want to wait that long, but they realize their young age will be held against them. Their goal is to seek out the legendary artifact, the Book of Infinity (which, in actuality, is a remnant of INFINITY itself, but to explain that I'd need to give an explanation for what INFINITY was), which rumor states is able to grant the user(s) any power they imagine, including ability to magically age oneself.

In the first episode, they succeed--they find the book in the same chamber containing the four major elemental books (Book of Fire, Book of Water, Book of Air, Book of Earth), and they manage to actually activate the book of infinity...which triggers the curse/trap of the book. Designed to kill any individual who touched the book, when both of them grabbed the book at the same time, it instead switched their souls, placing Phyrra in Cyrus's body and Cyrus in Phyrra's body. However, it also gave them access to magic (magic, in this world, can be learned by anyone...but it takes approximately 30 years to master, and even 'spellbladers', who use specialized specific lesser magic oriented on one specific trait, are typically in their 20s), as well as the ability to access and master the four elemental books.

To escape, they activate the book of air, summoning its guardian, Gora the Rock Golem (all elemental books are protected by their opposite element), who helps teach them the spell necessary to leave. And from there, their adventure continues. The cast of the Thaukama (Thaumason + Nakama portmantu) expands to include Ace Samson, a teenaged adventurer skilled in tracking, ranged weaponry, and medicine (think the DND class of 'Ranger'); Cedrick (don't have his last name memorized, oof), their initial rival adventurer, a spellblader whose magic is specific to telekinetic control of platinum spheres; Kaze, the Wind Shade (guardian of the book of earth); Myra, the Siren/Mermaid/Sea Serpent (guardian of the book of fire); Bard Tune Song, a teenaged street rat (think an even more hypercompetent Aladdin) whose father was a powerful Demon that resembles a werewolf; Clara (also don't have her full name memorized, oof), an apprentice Paladin (Paladins being a specific spellblader school specializing in light magic); Hera, the Dragon Phoenix (guardian of the book of water); William Grant Clemency, an Adept (basically, can see the true nature of things) who is nobility in Lilim's New World (largely uncivilized new continent, think America circa 1700s); Lilian Rose Wolfe, a tailor; and Alena (also don't have her full name memorized, oof), a young Botanist/Alchemist.

Throughout their adventures, they fight monsters, villains, evil overlords, and make their name known, all while seeking a way to undo their switched souls...because as long as they are in each other's bodies...they won't age so much as a day, and are stuck eternally 11 until such a time as they figure out how to undo the curse permanently.



I can explain more, like the way the four worlds (afterlife, demon realm, spirit realm, mortal realm) work, the way spirits work, the way demons work, various magitek items involved in the setting (they have stuff which basically is on the level of a smartphone), etc. but I think the idea is clear enough.

I originally thought that there would be much much heavier themes involved regarding the body swap, that it'd touch more heavily on issues like effectively being trans--but over time, I realized that in spite of the body swap, it's actually only a minor thing. Something that, yes, comes up, and yes, is essential to the plot, but which is only a minor thing. It's a story of adventurers first, a coming of age story second, and has the issues of the body swap only third.

I have names for almost every episode; I have mentally worked out almost every episode; I basically know what happens, when, down to the episode, with entire plot arcs mapped out.


But, 1: I have no experience writing for an animated project, I have no clue what I'm doing, and,
2: Animation is ludicrously expensive. Initial google search I did right now says one second of animation is $150 at the cheapest--times that by 60 for one minute, times that by ~25 for the length of the episode, times that by 48-52, and you get: $225,000 * 48-52. (I did a google search two years ago and I think that one said $30/second, which is cheaper, but still hugely expensive.)
Just for the animation.
And then you've gotta hire voice actors.
Not to mention, composers to compose the music for the series.
Not to mention, video editors for sound effects.

It might be possible to get a kickstarter going for the project. But to get a kickstarter, I need to be in a position better than what I am in now. Plan is to write the initial script for all the episodes, try and map it out loosely scene by scene, roughly estimate the amount of time it takes, finish the lyrics for the openers/closers of each season, maybe make some loose storyboards of panels screencapping loose ideas of what I want to make, and hope the fuck that by the time I get all of this done, it's gotten me enough competency to know what I am doing to the point where I am able to justify a kickstarter to fundraise it.



All of this is ludicrously ambitious, I know, but Phyrra and Cyrus is the project I have most wanted to complete for over two years now.


If I give up on an ambitious project that I am very much out of my depth for? If I decide that I need better connections before jumping off the deep end, if I decide that I need to be established in an industry already before branching out?

Well, the main area I'd do that is in writing. Right now, mostly superhero stories. Well, one's a superhero story, but most of them are supervillain stories; I've thought up at least four different ones. Most have some inspiration from Worm, but each is distinctly their own universe, with their own rules, their own premise, their own characters, etc. Writing them is comparatively easy, and they're largely fleshed out enough where I could make any of them reality; I just haven't done them yet.

When it comes to talents I would like to have but do not possess, the obvious answer would be the ability to animate things myself. (That, or the ability to do everything necessary in editing videos. Either skill would save me a ton.)

But in skills not applicable to my ambitions...life skills. Washing/drying laundry (my mom showed me how to do it once or twice, did not stick as a skill, need to learn the ins and outs of it), washing dishes or at least how to properly handle a dishwasher (how to organize it, what to put where, what I need to do to run it, and when run, what to put where), cooking food, and also: doing makeup.

Laundry and dishes I think I can maybe figure out how to fumble through on my own, cooking is something that I haven't really done but which I may have the ability to fumble through on my own, so of these I'd say the skill I'd most want due to it being the one I least think I can fumble through on my own, would be learning how to apply makeup to myself.

I've seen makeup be applied to people before, and even have them talk through the process as they were having it applied. But in order to get good at applying makeup, I'd need to have all the supplies in front of me, and be able to freeze-frame, frame by frame, analyze with clearly visible what's-what things, step by step, work through it, and figure out what makeup is right for me.

Tho that said.

There's one skill that's both project-related, AND, real-life related: voice manipulation, as a skill/talent. Changing your voice takes lots and lots of practice and is something I lack right now, so I REALLY loathe my voice right now. And if I put in the work to have a more feminine voice, then in the process, I might pick up the skills to be able to voice some characters, or if not, at least give a better model for what I envision their voices to be. Or if not, at least hopefully allow me to sing better. Basically, lots of stuff with my voice would be useful for projects, but it's something that also would help for transitioning, too.

(Basically, overall: for a project? Animation. For real life? Makeup. For a combination of both: voice.)

​I was also asked what in 2020 I'm thankful for. In that, I instantly found my answer: ​increased presence on twitch and one community in particular there where I joined their discord and even am involved on their minecraft server.

I realize I don't have the setup for streaming, in spite of what I would want, and I realize that being involved in those communities isn't letting me spend time creating things on my own that have a tangible permanence to them (by which I mean, being involved can make me contribute to jokes, uplift spirits, etc., and my contributions there aren't meaningless since the community wouldn't be quite as good without them, but because I am one of dozens upon dozens there, while every drop I add into the pond matters, none of my additions there are something people will remember as being from me years from now; they helped, they were important, they meant something, but while you might remember the general vibe I contributed, you wouldn't remember my specific contribution to the vibe, because it's not my community, it's a community I am a part of).

Which is to say: doing stuff there isn't, for instance: making a game, writing a story, making art, making an animation. So spending time there isn't helping me succeed in any of my life's ambitions/dreams.

But I am, explicitly, okay with this, because I value that community in my life that much. They're worth it. I've asked myself if I would rather succeed in my goals or spend more time in the communities I love and remain a nobody, a person who hasn't succeeded at anything with tangible permanence to it, whose only successes are contributions to communities I am a part of but explicitly not the head of. I've asked if I'd rather strike out and succeed on my own while giving up on the communities I'm a member of, or if I'd rather remain intimately a part of those communities at the cost of increasing my odds of never succeeding in my grander goals.

The two are not actually mutually exclusive, of course. Spending less time in a community doesn't mean a total severing of ties with them; being intimately a part of a community does not mean I am guaranteed to fail at my grander ambitions.

But if it ever did come push to shove a choice between the two. I think I'd take the community I feel at home at, over the shot at success.
Ideally, I get the best of both worlds, obviously. I'm intimately involved in the community, but still trying to strike out on my own. But I value the community I'm spending time in more than I value a shot at success.

I want to succeed, but if I didn't succeed and spent a life in mediocrity, obscurity, in nothingness, but remained a part of communities I'd cherish, I would be content with that. Not happy, because I want to succeed. But content. I even developed a theory that was, more or less: almost every human has dreams and ambitions of doing great things in their lives, but most give up on these dreams and ambitions and fade into obscurity without being memorable on the grander scale of things; my theory is more or less that the conclusion I reached was the conclusion they reached, too; that it's alright, that it's okay, to not become famous, to not have tangible permanence in a legacy lasting after you are gone, if you are happy with the community you've built in life. The two are not mutually exclusive, but if forced to choose between one or the other, community > fame 9 times out of 10.

It's important to not accept defeat, to not give up, but it's also important to see how strong you value things. I value the community I've become a part of more than I value success in tangible permanence. And I know getting both isn't impossible. (Heck, basically all of the mods in that community have done exactly what I aim to do. They're becoming successful writers, artists, etc., and are successful streamers, who're building communities of their own! Yet they're still a part of the community. But their own communities, while overlapping with the community I know them from, are explicitly THEIRS, not just a carbon copy clone of the original community. I want to build a community of my own, that is truly mine, unique to me, and still be a part of that community. I know it's possible because I've literally almost a dozen examples from that community demonstrating their successes. It's just something I'm struggling with.)

I apologize for the haphazard lazy throwtogether of content I put elsewhere copy-pasted to here, but I figured it'd be good to get up on here, too.

Not that anyone reads my blogs, butstill. At least in theory, my blog is more accessible than the original location.

Well, in real life, anyway.

Four months without blogging should give you an idea of where my head has been; not great.

New, at the latest, coming out day: April 26th, 2022. That's a loose estimate, but an apt one, because I've worked on things a couple times or so, and this is what I loosely mathed it out to be, approximately.

​In addition to wanting to get back into blogging, I also want to clean up some other aspects of my life. Things will not get better unless I make them better.
Short list:
-Stay more on top of blogging
-Stay more on top of my emails (need to do this)
-Stay more on top of brushing my teeth (oof this is not going well)
-Actually do work on a project during times that I have felt 'bored' rather than wasting the time.

Now is one such time. I'm not feeling league/tft right now, I'm minecrafted out for the day, I am actually staying on top of mafia stuff (aside from tracking the queue forum), so now is the perfect time.

Well, admittedly.

I've lost two hours since I started that...

...But it was a really productive two hours, as I managed to sort almost all of my stuff on my desktop.

I'm still not sure what I will work on.

I'm thinking of attempting to write in a google doc the Phyrra and Cyrus loose script for the animation (which should be here in the notes written down what I did get done before), since I still remember my loose idea for every episode. I should also be able to find the notes reminding me of each episode's name.

It'll take a little bit of time to do, but hopefully I'll make progress.

Wish me luck on my endeavors!

​I definitely need it...

But at least I haven't dropped another day, been doing work every day.
The two main things I've been working on; trying to get details done on Phyrra, and also trying multiple times to get the aesthetic of Kaze down--I thought that Kaze would be literally the easiest character in the cast to draw. He's a shade. Living shadow that lashes out strikes of air, slicing, dicing, piercing, thrashing, ripping, pulling, twisting, throwing, just, air itself in the form of a shadow.

The aesthetic I drew from could be summed up as from two sources; Kazeshini from the filler arc of Bleach, combined with a Darkness Elemental from Dragonfable.
A male, but incredibly effeminate form--very thin, pretty short, but still recognizably masculine, and yet a being who is mostly formless. White eyes and an occasional slasher smile, but no nose, no ears, no form beyond shadows that flicker like black flames. Recognizable arms and legs, with a recognizable chest, but for this to be bathed in shadows that make it not look like human skin. Anthropomorphic enough to still appear to be arms, legs, a torso, a head, but with enough obscurity to not give clearly defined edges. Where you can't tell where 'skin' begins because there is none to speak of. Where the shadows bleeding off of Kaze don't give a center of mass, because there is no center of mass.

I've tried multiple times to nail the aesthetic, but every time came up with frustrating failures. So I ended up biting the bullet and actually googled for the reference images from the two main sources of inspiration for Kaze.

And there you have it. (Yes, I did have to refer to an image of kazeshini not from the show itself, because none of the images from the show gave me the references I was looking for.)

The Darkness Elemental on the left, from Dragonfable, was one of the main aesthetics I was going for with the look. See the face, the shoulders, the chest? and the look on the arms (albeit, the arms on the darkness elemental are much much too big when it gets to the firsts)? That somewhat-transparent, wreathed in black darkness that oozes the aura of a blaze?

Now just give it the more anthropomorphic shape of kazeshini on the right, and you've got Kaze. This image shows perfectly the proportions of what I want Kaze to be--the thin, but still masculine, chest, with the approximately right proportioned arms and head, with the slasher smile and the killer eyes. (Bonus; this image has hair which looks a bit like the black flame-like aesthetic I am aiming for, at the forehead.)

It should be so easy to draw. Pencils provide the perfect medium to do it--you can nail the aesthetic of a living shadow, of flame-like wind sheathed in darkness, just by using pencil mark after pencil mark after pencil mark.

But it's still so darn hard to nail.

Still, tho.

​I'm trying!

Slow and steady, but it's something. Every day doing work, no matter how little, means every day work is being done. Small steps, little things, maybe not the best of things, maybe not as much as I could do, but better than nothing and that's something I'll take.

In this case, decided to follow through on what I said yesterday. I tried to draw Phyrra's secondary weapons yesterday without references.

Phyrra's primary weapon is a longsword--well, a longsword that is proportional to her size. That is to say, if she were to grow to an adult size, and the longsword were to scale identically to her, it would be a longsword. As in, it is proportional to her as a longsword. It is a longsword for her. For an adult, not quite sure what that'd be. I used a google reference image of a broadsword, but heck if I know what a good sword type would be for something that by is wielder would have the aesthetic of a longsword.

Her secondary weapons are a series of multiple (about 2-4) shortswords, each with no guard (which I always think of as being the hilt, in spite of the hit being what you grab the sword by), which past the first episode, she can control with a combination of telekinetic magic and wind magic. Which for an adult, would probably be long daggers. (Think like Sting and similar being Hobbit-sized swords; for the people those weapons were designed to be used by, those were daggers, not swords.)

Turns out that you can actually find some very good references in like 30 seconds of searching, 'hiltless sword' (in spite of, as I mentioning, it not being no hilt I was looking for; I was looking for blades with no guard). Apparently, the aesthetic I was looking for is common in older Viking swords? (When you think of Viking swords, you probably don't think of them as having no guard. You think of them as having the Riders of Rohan sword, like this look, more or less. Or maybe you think of them as having a longsword. But the images I found had almost zero guard, which is what I was searching for.)

So I got some good tracework images to have as a reference. Mine are probably too long proportionately, and need to thus be shortened a bit, but I got the aesthetic right, and with the aesthetic right, easier to make!

...And thus, technically speaking, not on today, but like. It was 12:45 when I did it, if it weren't for daylight savings time, it would've been on today anyway.

So I did get some more done, albeit basically nothing. (Just sketching out Phyrra's daggers. The plan here is more or less, sketch out her sword, sketch out her daggers, sketch out her gloves, sketch out her other clothes, etc., sketch out her face, then retry putting them all together.)

I was feeling really, really uninspired today so I didn't do much, but hey, I got some work done so...not doing nothing, therefore, deadline remains!

I did a second trace, and then tried to do a drawing.
I wasn't happy with it and couldn't find a way to make myself happy with it so I abandoned it half-way through, similar to one of my drawings yesterday.

So the more I have done is mostly failures.

I'm disappointed, but I shouldn't really be surprised. I've never drawn any of the characters from Phyrra and Cyrus before. I know what they look like in my mind's eye, at least mostly, but with me never having made them before, it's not going to go well immediately.

I should be doing more, but uhgg, this is workkk.

I know I need to do work on it every day, but once I've put in some work for the day and feel an overwhelming uhg feeling, kinda hard to put even more in.

So for now, just farming in minecraft. (Need to replenish on my supplies. Mostly, I'm looking to get a boatload of torches.)

I suck.

I want to do more but can't push myself to do it in spite of what I've said.

Some work done is better than no work done, butstill.

Phyrra and Cyrus will never be made at this rate.

Barring extenuating circumstances (power outages, something drastic which leaves me with no supplies and no ability to get them, vacation), every day I don't work on Phyrra and Cyrus in some way, I move the date of coming out back one day.

I did work yesterday--failed sketches of Kaze, but still work.
Today, I already have done work--a trace of the main protagonist from The Promised Neverland. (This is work because Phyrra and Cyrus are both 11-year-olds, just like the protagonists of the series, so this gives me a sense of how to draw them right.)

I'd have done more, but my work station collapsed, causing a cavalcade of errors, including my drawing pencil catapulting out to Narnia (by which, I mean, can't find it right now).

This won't stop me, but it'll mean I need to spend time searching for it--something I can and will do, but not while watching a stream. (Am multitasking. Well, was. Losing the pencil means that the only multitasking I can do is search for the pencil, which I tried and couldn't find yet.)