randomly just super duper exhausted.

​need sleepz

I genuinely didn't do anything of note today. I didn't even do much in the way of note-taking. (Speaking of which I have a few notes I should write--but obviously, haven't.)

I should mention though that while I was aware that medical trans stuff would be expensive, I had no clue that non-medical trans stuff would also be quite expensive and also fairly hard to find and then actually use.

I bought D-cup silicone breast (falsies) for use to help make it more obvious that I am a girl, mainly for work but also at home as a statement.

They work, giving incredible euphoria!
They look amazing.
They place weight on me making it slightly harder to breathe, pressing on my chest--which, well, not the greatest for health I imagine but increases the euphoria because actual breasts do that!

...But they also refuse to stay in place on me, and I'm struggling to get them to.

I should clarify, I am growing natural breasts. But while my natural breast growth is happening, I'll likely never get breasts to the size that I desire and even if I did, it'd be years from now. So having these silicone falsies is an amazing boost for appearance and happiness.

The problem is that I don't want anatomically accurate booba to slip out of my outfit while I am...well basically anywhere but especially in public and especially at work. And even if it doesn't outright slip out, if it just slips positions, it can get in the way of me doing tasks, by providing distractions that I shouldn't have. So I need to fix that.

On my first outing, I did a test-run using duct tape. It worked reasonably well, but it's duct tape on two surfaces not designed for it: the silicone insert, and human skin. (Ow.) So I am working on alternatives. Expensive alternatives. Extensive alternatives.

The quick google search answer suggests that the recommended thing is double-sided tape. Tried that. It worked for a day the first time, but it takes a ton of time to apply, and both today and yesterday when I tried it, it...didn't really work. At all yesterday (to be fair, different type that was weaker than the first), and half today (one worked well enough, the other...didn't).

So now I'm going to desperately be trying to make do until my next idea arrives (assuming my mother orders it), which is a form of temporary glue meant for prosthetics, the type designed to hold surfaces like silicone to the skin for extended periods of time.

It's quite expensive in most places though. The cheapest I could find was like $15.

I did also find something that I really hoped existed tho, and that's basically a false-vagina of sorts to cover the bottom. Also reasonably expensive too.

All this is to say that if I get them and if they work, it'll be great for me as it'll make passing as a girl to random strangers at work much much much easier. Between having a mask for my face, breasts for the chest, and something for the lower anatomy, in theory, I should just appear as a tall woman to them.

That's the hope.

I may order hip padding if this isn't enough.

All this work, just to get some extra work comfort of having it be easier to gender me correctly.

I had plenty of free time, but I genuinely didn't feel like doing anything with it. I didn't feel like writing, I didn't feel like working on my article, I didn't feel like streaming, so instead, I just did some gaming.

To be fair: it did some much-needed work on the latest quest. I managed to get half-way done with a ton of time left to go. (Turns out that when the quests actually properly progress and you enable bot games to count, quests go from a grind to something actually doable!)

But it's still disappointing.

I could've done something...well. Notable.

But we didn't.

​Ah well.

Today I was meant to stream but my computer bluescreening kinda killed my mood there.

However, today was still a productive day. While I didn't write, I did write down some important character details for the story, meaning I was still indirectly progressing things.

More than that, I made leaps and bounds of progress while working on a mafia article for the site I play mafia on. I realize that it's not the most productive thing to work on, but it's something that as of Monday I'll have been officially working on for three months (May 29th), with unofficial work spanning longer than that where I had the idea but didn't gather it up until the official date.

It's long-overdue for being written, should've been written months ago, but I have incentive to finish it now thanks to a planned update that I wanna finish the article before goes live.

It's quite the arduous project, but I have chipped away at it for a while and today made a huge chunk of it, making finishing potentially within striking distance. I just need to grasp it.

But, it'll be a lot of work.

I realize it's only work on one specific site. It's not nearly as productive/applicable as things I could do elsewhere.

But that site, that mafia site, is very important to me, and I genuinely legitimately think that my article could do a lot of good. It wouldn't be something to take as gospel, but the discussion it would generate would be itself quite healthy, so I want to finish it, for the sake of the site.

I just need to keep putting the work in, bit by bit.

I got: not being worthless by furthering my novel and streaming.

I sacrificed: blogging on my daily blogging.

Whooooops!

Ah well, today I got the blog done.

Sadly, probably no stream tomorrow due to staff meeting, but we'll have to see.

I do want to try tho, because tomorrow I can maybe get a longer stream.

And I've yet to have streamed, so it's official:

I wasted every opportunity I was ever given.

I'm wasting one now; they went to bed and instead of streaming I'm going to bed myself.

I didn't work out today at all and I doubt I will tomorrow either.

So I am doing nothing​ right.

I'm home alone.

My family is all gone right now.

And yet.

In spite of having free range to do basically anything.

I've done effectively nothing.

Granted, I did a fair amount of writing.

But I've not streamed once.

Literally a dream time.

​And yet...

We genuinely over three separate days on an every-other day basis got over 100 views of our blog.

Nobody stayed, naturally; they watched only one page if that.

But what the hell happened in that time to get people looking in the first place?

We didn't do anything back then. Where'd the traffic all of a sudden come from?

...Well wherever it came from, my apologies to people for how much we suck.

We suck at blogging in part because every blog is just about how much we suck.

But hey, it's not all bad.

We didn't stream tonight, when given a potential opportunity, but we knew it'd be a short one anyway because of work tomorrow, and we didn't waste that time.

For our novel, we did a lot of much-needed expanding of the roster.

We have an incredibly loose draft of all the main characters. We have a total for the two main classes, and some of the basics for many of them. A lot is left open right now, but that's not a bad thing, as it gives us time to basically search our collective fantasy knowledge and think of every fantasy work we've seen and the characters used to attribute the things we have preset.

Basically, we have some things set in stone, others more fluid, and between the two we can cover every character we want to cover. There's skills to give characters, personalities to give them, specialties to give them, weapons, etc.

We're also working loosely on the chronology of the story. We know the major events that happen, but we still need to fill things in.

​Still tho. Progress is progress!

I mean, still disappointing; I didn't stream and didn't write.

But it was better because it was more productive.

Granted.

It was also much worse.

Every decision I made, seemed like a good one at the time but within half an hour hindsight made me realize I made the wrong call.

That happening once would sour the mood; 3ish times sour the day; 5+ times? Yeahhhhhh not fun!

​That said tho: we're doing better now.

I am our muse, I am meant to use that talent to do writing.

Instead.

I did nothing.

So.

Not a good day for us.

We're worthless and I'm to blame for it.