Granted, quite poorly.

But this is a preview into the tragedy of Zeboel. Zeboel is a background character, and until I wrote this song I didn't really know their story other than that they're some form of nonbinary preferring They/Them or It pronouns. As one of the relatively younger Abundant Argon though, I knew Zeboel had to have once been a mortal, and would thus have a story behind how they became one of the 18 Demon God-Lords on farn.

I realized they caused the downfall of the last true claimant of the Toplan (read; Atlantean) empire, the Federation of Ramoan (read; Roman) Children, loosely speaking the farn equivalent of the early Franks in the Charlemagnesque era of the Holy Roman Empire, but with a modern flair where they were basically the modern United States of America ruled by capitalism, where short-term greed led to short-term gains but left a class divide where the rich were focused on getting richer and the poor were left suffering, left to die, and frustrated. It got to the point where all they needed was someone to follow.

Zeboel became that symbol by being representative of the issue. Part of the profession the backbone of farn runs on being profitized (an adventurer), and being a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic person, a pacifist at that, who wanted nothing to do with violence yet wanted to help the people. When pushed to despair, desperation, and broken, Zeboel was left feeling there was no other options anymore, there was no other way, and embraced their charismatic side to become that symbol of revolution.

This song is the "point of no return" for Zeboel on that path, at the end of the two-thirds mark of the Musical, with the final third demonstrating the bloody revolution would topple the world order but then cause the wave of hate to turn on each other and destroy themselves because without a common foe to unite against and without a way for their hate to go away, they instead directed it towards each other leading to the death of basically everyone.

Zeboel had the chance to rule the rubble, similar to how Mastemo became a King, but Zeboel, thoroughly broken, just...had no desire to. They were left an empty shell, they were left with no purpose, so they just...left. Before the destruction had even actually finished, really. And that lack of a leader to fill the gap caused the farn equivalent of The Dark Ages.

...but I didn’t get a chance to post it here until now.

Rather, I had the chance to.

I just didn’t have the mindset to.

Heck, I'm only blogging about it now because my mental health just took a turn for the worse.

Today, I was doing SO MUCH BETTER Than yesterday. I was doing SO GOOD. I had relatively high spirits, and even the Muse to write a second song! Two in two days, that was too good to be true, right???

...as it turns out?

...yes, in fact, it was.

My Muse is gone.

I have lost my will to write again. 

I'm barely holding on to my will to live, again.

My fiancé keeps planning for our wedding, which will be a Halloween 2023 wedding. But...
...I am genuinely not sure if I will be making it to there with how bad I am right now.

For their sake if nothing else, I need to get better.

I literally saved their life. My friend(at the time) would've been dead if I did what others wanted me to do; when I say I literally saved their life, I mean I genuinely SAVED them. 

And later, romance blossomed. That friend became my partner, and that partner became my fiancé when they proposed to me. 

It would be the greatest disservice to them if I saved their life only to myself die. I helped save them when they were going through something similar to what I am now; for their sake, I need to also survive.

It’s just that right now, it’s difficult.

And that is the perfect time to post this song, because this song is relevant to my feelings and how I am right now. Writing it helped me cope, so hopefully sharing it today will, too.

Big Sad:

[V1]
Everyone knows of my crime my mistake,
My regrets have come but it’s too late.
Actions of mine are now what I hate,
All their consequences I can’t escape. 

All my wrongdoings sadly on display,
Doesn’t matter if I am ashamed.
It matters not what course I will take,
My harm still causes irreparable pain.

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

[V2]
Empathy has taught me life's not a game;
Even were it I don’t want to play.
I always feel I ruin the hangs,
Why can’t I just bring joy to all my gangs?

My attempts bring such harm in a cruel fate,
Failures leave me in a sorry state.
Can the bad leave and the good please stay?
I want a coffin for demons to lay.

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

[Bridge]
It must exist,
A place where I uplift,
It must exist,
A place where I'm a gift.
It must exist,
A place where I cherish.
It must exist,
Why can’t I see it?

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

And that's the Johnny Cash cover of "Hurt".

Because surprise surprise, that's what I do to others, despite my intentions of the opposite. Because I suck.

I hurt myself every day, but in my case largely by knowing how many I have hurt.

Every day, I still feel pain, but my pain is nothing compared to the pain I've inflicted. I don't have the right to say I'm in pain when the pain of others which I caused is far greater. My pain is nothing compared to theirs.

I focus on the pain, though, because like it says.

The pain of others is the only thing that's real. Their pain is what's important. I can try my best to help them. To promote healing. To help focus on the positive, to help their pain. Give them good, so they don't have so much bad. But, their pain is still the most important thing.

Every time I end up hurting people, it's a familiar sting. I've hurt people for so long, and despite my efforts, I still do. Even when I think I'm better, that I've grown, that I won't hurt people anymore...I end up still harming them, and the closer they are, the worse the pain I inflict.

I know that it's somewhat confusing with plurality, in how I don't remember the hurt I cause because it was a different me to inflict the wound, but simultaneously, I also never forget. I always remember. I have it in me. How could I forget all the wrongdoing I've done? I'm trying to be a good person, so I can't forget all of my sins. I can't kill those harmful moments, no matter how much I would like to. My wrongdoing is eternal. It's there forever. Nothing can remove it. All I have is remorse for my wrongdoing, and the efforts to try and do better to help and promote healing.

I always ask what I have become, because it's an ugly picture.

And I always end up hurting my sweetest friends. The closer they are, the greater the harm.

Everyone I know does go away in the end--because why wouldn't they? I give them nothing. I provide them with nothing. I take and I take, and give nothing in return. I am not worthy of keeping them in my life, because I don't do the work to keep them in my life and end up doing things which warrant being removed from theirs. How could I be worthy of them remaining, when I always do that?

All I have built is an empire of dirt. Nothing of note. Just empty mud. That's all I am. That's all I'm worth.

I will always let people down.

I will always make them hurt.

I'm nothing but a liar.

I have plenty of, justifiably, broken thoughts. All I do is break things, so why wouldn't I? I am broken, I break others, I break friendships, I break family, all I ever do is destroy.

And I can't repair any of it. I want to. I try to. But I am a failure in every way which matters.

Time can heal a lot of wounds, but by the time it does, there's new ones to replace the previous ones. People change, and grow. But no matter what, I end up doing the same thing and being unworthy of witnessing their growth.

Countless times, I've started again. A million times and miles away, over and over again.

And I want to do it all again. But I would likely still mess up, because I will always find a way to screw things up and hurt others.

I'm so sorry to everyone who has had the misfortune of seeing that side to me.

I'll say that it's easy to focus on the negatives.

But one day, I hope I will be worth focusing on the positives.

I don't think I ever will.

​But I want to be.

I've just been struggling to stay afloat.

I've been so so tired, and been struggling so so much to do even close to the bare minimum.

Realistically, I should be cutting back on the things I do, but like...

...everything I do is something I view as necessary, pretty much.

I need to work, so can't cut that out.
I need workouts, so can't cut them out.
I need dental hygiene and body hygiene, can't cut them out.
I need hair care, can't cut that out.
I need skincare, can't cut that out.
I want to blog, can't cut that out.
I need the vibes of places like ComicFury and streams and discord--I could cut them out in theory, but it'd tank my mental/emotional wellbeing. Those places replenish my soul.
​I need the mafia site for all of the things it gives me.

That doesn't leave a lot which I can cut out.

And yet, I can't maintain what I have.
It feels like the issue is physical--that what's dragging me down is a physical issue. So all I can really do is hope that my current pursuits help me get the physical issues be...less of them.

It's not much of a plan, I know.

I'm not sure what to do to be honest.

​Just trying my best to try my best.

It's actually setting me up fairly well for content creation. I've began my youtube channel, so now I feel like I have all the socials I need to update things. I need intertwining across them all.

Youtube to all;
My blog to all;
Twitch to all;
My fanhouse to all;
My tiktok to all;
My twitter to all.
Maybe facebook.

I've done a fair amount of the work but as of right now for instance only three of the five/six are on my blog for instance and the gaps are similar everywhere. Twitter needs an update, twitch needs a small tweak, youtube might need a tweak, fanhouse needs an update, and so on and so forth.

I also need to, in every place that allows it, update my discord info to have them all.

Progress is progress tho and I'm making a ton.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough in content creation.

Now, admittedly.

I didn't do what I originally set out to do during my free time today.

I wanted to make emotes for my eventual channel.

And on that note--I've got a lot of art on a lot of sites that needs to be updated with better art. Which requires me to actually make the better art.

What I have everywhere. From my stream itself to my youtube to my blog to my twitch to my fanhouse to my twitter, all of it is temporary. I need to create, and then upload, better art everywhere, and get better at being more consistent in my branding.

​Today basically in a few hours makes up for basically a full week of having slacked off.

Now, granted.

It's not all good.

I spotted either a very large mouse or a fairly small rat in my room. (Could be some other rodent obviously that's similar, but obviously didn't get a good look at it.) It's possible we have an infestation, but I can't sleep in my room, meaning that I need to clean my room, and I didn't do that.

The rat infestation might be just one which also moved to my parents' room, or it could be more. It's not a good situation regardless tho, especially given that we have cats and while cats are quite good at killing rodents, we don't want them to because our cats are inside cats and we don't want them to get sick from killing disease-ridden rodents.

So it's a problem we need to fix sooner rather than later.

​But in other news, I managed to write a song. It was inspired by Yungblud's Fleabag.
(parentheses denote original lyrics which I reworded outside of the parentheses, except for the bridge)

I called it "Passing the Clock".
While I did get a tune for it, I lack the means currently to record it (the above was all me working towards getting that gap closed more), so for now, all you have is the lyrics.

[verse 1]
Every attempt to live my life
Just an act, balance on a knife.
It's a struggle for me, but I must try
The world's crushing (pressure's strong), (so) I barely get by.

From a distance, I'm smiling
But close to the mirror, my heart sinks
(The) Imperfection's glares not helping
Cracks in my disguise, my armor's chink.

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, I'm not bait;
It's not easy, controlling fate.
How you look, what you say
Every move, you ever make

One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

[verse 2]
Every day brings new danger to me
The way I walk, the way I talk, all exposing
I'm not who they thought, a loss of peace
Or so they say, in their hate, all encompassing

Avoiding attention, it's not for clout;
I want to be seen, that's no doubt
But only as me, standing so proud.
A sense of elation, is that allowed?

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, I'm not bait;
It's not easy, controlling fate.
How you look, what you say
Every move, you ever make

One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

[bridge, sung by a backup singer]
(The way you do your hair,)
(The way you sit in a chair,)
(The clothes that you wear,)
(Your life's not fair.)

(The way you do your hair,)
(The way you sit in a chair,)
(The clothes that you wear,)
(Your life's not fair.)

(the bridge then repeats, simultaneous to the prechorus)

[prechorus]
I'm not hook, (The way you do your hair,) I'm not bait;
It's not easy, (The way you sit in a chair,) controlling fate.
How you look, (The clothes that you wear,) what you say
Every move, you ever make
(Your life's not fair.)
One mistake, is all it takes
For them to see,
The you you hate.

[chorus]
Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?

One wrong sight
And I'm not fine.
I must block
The urge to cry.

Passing the time
Is always a fight.
I fear the clock;
I wonder why?
(song abruptly ends)

​It is, quite obviously, a song about a transgender individual. I kept it reasonably generic, but, yes, it is a bit about me. I've been working a fair amount to try and be more feminine in every aspect of my life. I can't do voice that well yet but I will do what I can there. I'm working on my walk, I'm working on how I sit, I just want to try and be seen as more feminine, and I might be progressing there? But it's a constant struggle.

Still, though. I feel like I'm making progress there.

So good day overall.

But the thing is, it isn't an existing song. I got a made-up Broadway Musical song stuck in my head, one of my own creation.

So I figured I should share it.

I feel the need to reiterate: this is not a song written about anyone I know.
This is, explicitly, a fictional character, singing about a fictional person. I don't even know anything about the singer or the person they're singing about. The singer could be a good person or could be a total misogynistic jerk or anything in-between. The person being sung about could be a total manipulative bitch or a literal angel or anything in-between. They could be close, they could be enemies, I don't know, all I know is that I got a rather catchy tune stuck in my head with some rather humorous lyrics and that the style of them is of a broadway play musical.

I'm not even sure if this is the entirety of the song, or just the choruses of the song.

But I figured I may as well share it:

She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
A real-life witch! (real-life witch!)
She's got no respect for rules 'cause she's rich!

She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
I really wish! (really wish!)
She wasn't so seductive with her lips!
---
She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
A real-life witch! (real-life witch!)
What was I thinking when I gave that kiss?

She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
I wanna ditch! (wanna ditch!)
But she's so hypnotic with those tits!
---
She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
A real-life witch! (real-life witch!)
She's the type of person I shouldn't miss!

She's a bitch! (she's a bitch!)
She gives an itch! (gives an itch!)
But she's so magnetic with those hips!



Obviously, the parts in parentheses are sung by backup singers, to support the lead singer on this song. The last three syllables on the long lines are emphasized, with the same emphasis as the short lines.

I find it a rather humorous, but apt, song.

I may not have played League today, but I did just about everything else! Including some minecraft time, but notably. I actually did Phyrra and Cyrus work. I only finished 2/8 of the songs I need to (the opener/closer of season 1), but that's still huge! Writing two songs in one day is a huuuuuuge accomplishment. Smaller than ideal since one was partially written and there's a BOATLOAD of stuff I need to get done for Phyrra and Cyrus, but this was something that did need to be done.

Sooooo.

​Success!

...I figured I'd mention it here since might as well.
I wrote what's a bit of a jingle. I didn't write a full song even though I wanted to, but this is about really good nutrition:

Oooo
You're so good it's lewd
I wanna eat you
Delicious delicious food

Oooo
You're so good it's lewd
I wanna eat you
Delicious delicious food



​...I feel like I could flesh that out into more, but I thought of it while I was eating dinner and thought that it was something that was remarkably entertaining so may as well blog about it even though I didn't flesh it out into something proper.

It's actually been rather successful, but there's so. much. stuff. to do that it'll take me a while to get literally all of it done. I signed up for a secret santa event and today I finally started the project. It's...a little less than a third complete, but hey, before today, it was 0% complete! And I've still got five days to finish it, so if I work on it the next few days the same amount as today, should be done before the deadline.

I believe I caught up elsewhere on that site as well, for the most part. And in minecraft I knocked basically every single item off of my immediate to-do list. Some items will require a lot more resources to complete (eventually, I have the end goal of making the main pathway in my strip mine have smooth stone slabs as the path with railings on top and after I look at a tutorial on minecart railings, with the appropriate extras--this will take a lot; eventually, I have the end goal of making the main pathway in my strip mine have entirely stone brick surroundings, which will take a lot; eventually, I have the end goal of having every major point in my strip mine network be appropriately signed and marked by railings, which will take a ton of resources and time), so I still have those to do.

There was one project which I have the resources to do, I just need to spend time and pickaxe durability on actually doing, but which I didn't actually get done; another thing which I want to do is to stock up on emeralds which requires getting resources that the farmer in the nearby village will buy, which takes a ton of resources to get even close to a reasonable number of emeralds. (I think, for instance, it's something like 10 wheat for 1 emerald? And while I have a rather extensive wheat farm network, it aint extensive enough; I get like 2-3 stacks of 64 when ideally I'd get 9-10.)

Also, when I made my latest wheat farm I neglected to actually put the water into the central port so I need to stop being lazy and actually do that, but that's a small thing.

In TFT I completed a quest--I didn't really feel like playing TFT today (shocker! The girl who plays TFT nearly every day, actually had a day she didn't really want to? I know, right?), so the one game to complete the quest was all I did. (Surprisingly, it was a game where someone midgame stole my comp and I finished seventh as a direct consequence of them stealing my units. Incredibly tilting also was getting two Braums with giant's belts but for the whole game, not getting a single third Braum to make a T2 Braum with Warmogs. Incredibly tilting game where everything which could've gone wrong, did...and yet I didn't feel like playing another game? That never happens, I always feel like continuing until I get a game I'm satisfied with, but today I just...didn't want to play so completing the quest was satisfaction enough.)

​In League, I haven't played a match today yet so I still need my win of the day. And the ongoing event has three unfinished quests (which TFT games also count towards), which getting a win of the day helps with. There was also a new patch which went live, which was disappointing for TFT (remember when I said I was expecting the new lunar trait to either be nerfed or cause both electric and assassins to be nerfed? Yeah, well...Riot went with the latter rather than the former, and to add insult to injury, the lunar trait isn't live yet and won't be live this year from my understanding), and which vastly nerfed dragons and dragon souls in league.

Which, honestly, I am rather fine with. The only time I hold no accountability for drakes is when I'm a toplaner (where I'm instead accountable for rift), basically. (I mean that's not exactly true, toplaners can and do have an impact on drakes especially post-laning phase, but IN GENERAL, toplaners are mostly responsible for the top half of the map, not the bottom half. My friend if they are still into league at all could probably rant at me for my portrayal here and I'll just say, YES I KNOW, let me just talk it out a bit.)

WHAT I MEAN BY THIS, is.
I am a trash-tier player.
We almost never get drakes in games I play in, because I am meant to play a key part in securing them. Midlaner, botlaner, support, my job as any of them is to help out there, and that is something which I consistently fail to be anywhere remotely competent at helping with. If we go for a drake and come out behind, I am safely the one who bears the most blame. Yeah, maybe my teammates make mistakes as well, but their mistakes are compounded by my own and my own are usually worse than theirs.

So drakes being nerfed?

Helps me a lot because my team rarely if ever gets them due to my own incompetency, meaning the enemy team gets less from having secured them so easily.

So the patch helps me in league by virtue of me being the one who was getting more hard-crushed by drakes being secured. Which helps me play and will make me want to play more and which might mean my team flames me less often. 

Most of the catchup I need to do though is still videos. I did a fair amount...was it yesterday? It was either yesterday or Monday. But I need to do more today. I have at least six to watch, though probably no more than ten. Most of those videos average ~10 minutes each so that's about an hour minimum, though because one video is an average of 45 minutes (give or take 30, being as low as 15 and as high as an hour 15), that bumps my estimated total up to about two hours to get caught up there.

There's also still the art blog I want to make--I could make it now I guess, but while I have plenty of time to do so, this...is actually plenty long enough a blog for today? I mean, I can and have made blogs which were ridiculously long which switched subjects midway through and people probably end up missing the content as a consequence thinking it's entirely the one thing when it transitions to the other. (Trust me, I know this because it's happened to me; when searching my own blog for specific things, I had trouble finding them because I started reading an entry thinking it was the one thing, not realizing it transitioned into the actual thing I was looking for later.)

Heck, this blog itself while it is fairly coherent and mostly on the same sort of subject line (about my efforts to catch up on stuff with small quick updates) has already been like that a little, having mentions of things which would themselves normally be individual blog entries. So I don't really want to blog about it now, even though I realize there's the very real chance that I never end up blogging about it because when that happens I often never do.

In the eventual future I'll also need a real-life thing of signing up for a training, but that's more of a thing which can be done last-minute and the closer to the due date the better actually, within reason. (Basically there's a training I need to do for my job but I want to take it as close to the expiration of the original as is possible.)

So basically.

I'm kinda sorta actually staying on top of things?

Not as much as I'd prefer.
Not as much as is ideal.
And I'm really not doing much in my life at all (among other things I'm not doing, not really spending time with my friend and hanging out to do things like watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, One Piece episodes, have me play the third Danganronpa, and such, though that is at least partially due to how busy they are right now and also how they have others to spend time with than just me so they have not only their own real life to try and stay on top of but also others in their life they try to stay in contact with other than just me which I recognize eats up their time).

So it's obviously not the maximum optimal situation.
But.
​It's pretty darn close?

Okay so I did play a little Minecraft (trying to document and fully explore my mine's terminal points--I didn't even get remotely far but I was still mostly successful in this endeavor), and I did play one game of League (only one game because the client has a weird error where it's frozen on the 'concluding game' screen and restarting the client didn't fix the problem), and I didn't fully finish getting caught up; there's a few videos I've still got to watch (three?), and there's still three Kongregate games I need to play (this is the first week where I've had four games I needed to play for their badges; usually, it's one or two, at most three, but this week I had almost none of the badges).

But I did watch like...a vog I needed to finish, about 20 youtube videos, one of the Kongregate games, and that's on top of other stuff I did today.

Admittedly, I did waste ~2 hours of my life researching Carol of the Bells covers, citing 20 of them (which I listened to in their entirety, plus about 20 more which I listened to without citing), all for the sake of making the stupidest of stupid arguments.

Basically, my argument was that with the right arrangement of an instrumental/orchestral version of the song (that is, the song sans its lyrics), you could turn it from being a traditionally-Christmas-song into a Halloween song ridiculously easily--or, alternatively, into a year-round song not tied to any holiday, an epic tune which could be used for, sayyy, as an example, epic boss battle music, or something along those lines; something which would be appropriate at any time, not just at the holidays near the end of the year.

I have very good backing behind this, a fair argument which as I mentioned, cites 20 videos' worth of evidence demonstrating the aesthetic I am talking about. (Apparently, it has something to do with the key the song is in?) The silliest, stupidest of things to argue about.

​Gonna say worth tho.