All Too Human
All Too Human
  • Blog
  • Red Hood Rider

Rambles, Rants, and Musings

Fffffriiiiiiiiiiiickkkkkk

3/31/2020

0 Comments

 
I completely and totally forgot to do anything today and got totally lost. Today was mostly devoted to watching streams and streams and more streams and I was consumed with hype, excitement, and general enthusiasm with full investment and all-around interest in the launch of a minecraft server for one of my favorite streamers (Girbeagly--I love the community, make almost every stream and even if I can only lurk try to be there, actually joined the discord something I basically never do but in this case it was worth it even if I, again, can't participate much, and so the launch of the minecraft server was much big hype where I wanted very much to be a part of it and it ate my time), and between all of that.

I've got nothing for Phyrra and Cyrus.

Sooooo.

Back to January 9th, 2023, my final deadline for coming out goes.
At this rate we'll be getting me coming out within a year or two.
Scary thought but ehhhh...wouldn't be the end of the world. Would be disappointing in the sense of that'd mean I'd have utterly completely and totally failed at making Phyrra and Cyrus come any semblance of close to reality, but hey...sooner date on living my life as I want would be sooner date on living my life as I want.
0 Comments

I am a terrible blogger.

3/30/2020

0 Comments

 
But at least I haven't dropped another day, been doing work every day.
The two main things I've been working on; trying to get details done on Phyrra, and also trying multiple times to get the aesthetic of Kaze down--I thought that Kaze would be literally the easiest character in the cast to draw. He's a shade. Living shadow that lashes out strikes of air, slicing, dicing, piercing, thrashing, ripping, pulling, twisting, throwing, just, air itself in the form of a shadow.

The aesthetic I drew from could be summed up as from two sources; Kazeshini from the filler arc of Bleach, combined with a Darkness Elemental from Dragonfable.
A male, but incredibly effeminate form--very thin, pretty short, but still recognizably masculine, and yet a being who is mostly formless. White eyes and an occasional slasher smile, but no nose, no ears, no form beyond shadows that flicker like black flames. Recognizable arms and legs, with a recognizable chest, but for this to be bathed in shadows that make it not look like human skin. Anthropomorphic enough to still appear to be arms, legs, a torso, a head, but with enough obscurity to not give clearly defined edges. Where you can't tell where 'skin' begins because there is none to speak of. Where the shadows bleeding off of Kaze don't give a center of mass, because there is no center of mass.

I've tried multiple times to nail the aesthetic, but every time came up with frustrating failures. So I ended up biting the bullet and actually googled for the reference images from the two main sources of inspiration for Kaze.
Picture
Picture
And there you have it. (Yes, I did have to refer to an image of kazeshini not from the show itself, because none of the images from the show gave me the references I was looking for.)

The Darkness Elemental on the left, from Dragonfable, was one of the main aesthetics I was going for with the look. See the face, the shoulders, the chest? and the look on the arms (albeit, the arms on the darkness elemental are much much too big when it gets to the firsts)? That somewhat-transparent, wreathed in black darkness that oozes the aura of a blaze?

Now just give it the more anthropomorphic shape of kazeshini on the right, and you've got Kaze. This image shows perfectly the proportions of what I want Kaze to be--the thin, but still masculine, chest, with the approximately right proportioned arms and head, with the slasher smile and the killer eyes. (Bonus; this image has hair which looks a bit like the black flame-like aesthetic I am aiming for, at the forehead.)

It should be so easy to draw. Pencils provide the perfect medium to do it--you can nail the aesthetic of a living shadow, of flame-like wind sheathed in darkness, just by using pencil mark after pencil mark after pencil mark.

But it's still so darn hard to nail.

Still, tho.

​I'm trying!
0 Comments

God I am just...

3/27/2020

0 Comments

 
I am.

Suddenly.

Not in a good mindspace.

Really not in a good mindspace.

Really really bad.

Overwhelmingly.

I just.

I want to disappear.
Vanish.
I feel like trash.

Just.

Terrible.

I am.

I am.

I just.
Feel like maybe things would be better if I wasn't around. If I didn't exist.

I feel worse than worthless. That I make things worse, just by...just by being around, just not making things better, just by making things.

I don't know.

I'm just.

Why do I exist when I am so bad.
0 Comments

Whoops.

3/27/2020

0 Comments

 
Missed a day, sooooo.
January 10th it is then.

Still, tho.
I did do work today, albeit not much. Downloading a video editing software after googling it, in this case, lightworks.
Now granted.
Is that the move?
Who knows? I'll need to explore it more. Look up tutorials, see what it's like, see if it's what I want to use, but I need to start somewhere​ and here's as good a place as any. Even if I end up using a different software, the experience should eventually transfer over. Hopefully.
0 Comments

Well I'm not better better yet...

3/25/2020

0 Comments

 
...But I did a sketch for Phyrra and Cyrus today, breaking the solid no-work-streak, so like.

That's the first step!

Overall, just feeling much much much better and on the road to recovery, so. Progress!
0 Comments

Doing the math...

3/24/2020

0 Comments

 
As of today, missed twelve days.
With the original date as January 23rd, 2023, missing 12 days means it is moved to January 11th, 2023.
I am still sick, but hopefully I'll be getting better soon.

Overall I feel like I am moving towards being better, but I'm definitely not there yet.
0 Comments

I am terrible.

3/23/2020

0 Comments

 
I think it's to January 12th now? I'll double-check that tomorrow.
0 Comments

Life is misery.

3/19/2020

0 Comments

 
Every night I go to bed, hoping that when I wake up the next day, if not cured, I'll at least be better...
...Only to be greeted by a new, fresh hell every time I wake up, where my symptoms have changed from the day before in a way that is just as bad or worse as the day before.

Also, if I am doing my math right.

Back to January 16th we go.
0 Comments

I am still miserable.

3/17/2020

0 Comments

 
Let's see. Original date, January 23rd 2023.
Missed Friday, that's January 22nd.
Missed Saturday, that's January 21st.
Missed Sunday, that's January 20th.
Missed Monday, that's January 19th.
Probably going to miss today, moving it to January 18th.

Oof.

I want to be a better person. I want to change to be the person I want to be. But it is so...so hard to change, when you're so, so sick in so many ways.

The ironic thing is.

On Thursday night, I made an impulsive whim of a decision: "tomorrow, I am going to buy the clothing I want to wear, provided I can wash it away from home"--a provisional big HUGE leap forward, one incredibly risky. Would require me to wear my coat at all times and pants as well, to not make it obvious, but I was willing to take that risk, if I could prevent the clothing from being gross.

Again, like I said, willing to field the bill for the clothing if I could wash them, and also field the bill for a laundromat, etc. I was willing to take that big huge gigantic risk...

...And then I got sick.

Really, really sick.

Yesterday, spent all of it waiting to be tested by the doctor. I don't have a bacterial infection in the chest (still possible to have one in throat/nose tho), and they tested me for two strands of the flu which came up negative (obviously, could be a different strand they didn't test for), and then they tested for the coronavirus, still waiting for those results (will get them in 1-3 days).

Can say--today I do feel mostly better, but that does have a caveat to it.
Every single day, I thought I was better...and then I ended the day being worse, much much worse, than the day before. So, could always get much much much worse again, but today, legit just feeling much much better.

I haven't felt feverish--admittedly, haven't checked even though I probably should, but that's good.
I'm barely coughing and it's back to being a dry cough--good.
I still have a sore throat, but it's much closer to being the sore throat I had on the first day, barely noticeable.
The main thing is a bad headache which no amount of drinking water (and it's definitely not caffeine withdrawal either) can fix. Tylenol helps to mitigate it tho.

Overall, most of my symptoms aren't there, or are much lower.

Again.
Can, and have, taken turns for the worse before when I thought I was getting better.

But, cautiously optimistic!

Anyway.
Still feeling terrible.
There's so many things I want to do.
And due to my sickness.
So many things I can't do.
​It's just...very frustrating.
0 Comments

So I am very very VERY sick.

3/14/2020

0 Comments

 
Yes, will be moving back the coming-out deadline by one day, assuming I am of course alive two years from now.

That sounds very very morbid, but uhhhhhhh...I have good reason to be scared.

No shortness of breath, yet, but my condition has taken a notable turn for the worse. The question now isn't common cold or coronavirus, it's flu or coronavirus, and neither condition is particularly pleasant. Yesterday I had a dry cough, but pretty much nothing else. I had the vague sensation of some sort of respiratory disease, in that I could feel it in my chest, but beyond that, my only symptom was a pseudo-sore-throat, by which I mean, it felt like there was a knot in my throat but swallowing wasn't painful.

Today that pseudo-sore-throat evolved into a sore throat proper, well and truly hurting to swallow and still having that feeling of being a massive clump, while also being somewhat of a burning sensation. The dry cough happened less often, and I didn't have the same feeling of the chest as I did yesterday, but my temperature got worse.

Yesterday, it peaked at 99.7--high, yes, but not dangerously high.

My temperature is currently 100.7.

I've taken two ibuprofen and am going to take two tylenol later, with me in the mean time continuing to drink lots and lots and lots of water to hopefully not take a turn for the worse. My family has been informed, is alert, and will continue to monitor me, and we're very closely on the lookout for shortness of breath.

With luck, I'll be fine.

But right now I am not gonna lie.
​I am terrified.
0 Comments
<<Previous

    rBree2

    AKA:
    RangerBree2
    ​rangerbreenew

    Just your average blogger. A transwoman lesbian, with autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, who is plural (a polyfrag median system).

    Twitter
    Twitch
    ​​YouTube
    ​TikTok
    Alt-Blog
    ​Fanhouse​
    Facebook
    Steam

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

    Categories

    All
    Adhd
    Anxiety
    Art
    Autism
    Consumed Entertainment
    Content Creation
    Dancing
    Depression
    Dream
    Family Night
    Farn
    Food
    Games
    Gender Dysphoria
    Health
    Love
    Mafia
    Misophonia
    Past Midnight
    Pets
    Philosophy
    Phyrra And Cyrus
    Plural
    Ramble
    Red Hood Rider
    Religion
    Rider
    Rubyverse
    Saturdays
    School
    Sleep
    Song
    Story
    Sundays
    Tae Kwon Do
    Technical Difficulties
    The Descended
    Trans
    Work

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.