I completely and totally forgot to do anything today and got totally lost. Today was mostly devoted to watching streams and streams and more streams and I was consumed with hype, excitement, and general enthusiasm with full investment and all-around interest in the launch of a minecraft server for one of my favorite streamers (Girbeagly--I love the community, make almost every stream and even if I can only lurk try to be there, actually joined the discord something I basically never do but in this case it was worth it even if I, again, can't participate much, and so the launch of the minecraft server was much big hype where I wanted very much to be a part of it and it ate my time), and between all of that.

I've got nothing for Phyrra and Cyrus.

Sooooo.

Back to January 9th, 2023, my final deadline for coming out goes.
At this rate we'll be getting me coming out within a year or two.
Scary thought but ehhhh...wouldn't be the end of the world. Would be disappointing in the sense of that'd mean I'd have utterly completely and totally failed at making Phyrra and Cyrus come any semblance of close to reality, but hey...sooner date on living my life as I want would be sooner date on living my life as I want.

But at least I haven't dropped another day, been doing work every day.
The two main things I've been working on; trying to get details done on Phyrra, and also trying multiple times to get the aesthetic of Kaze down--I thought that Kaze would be literally the easiest character in the cast to draw. He's a shade. Living shadow that lashes out strikes of air, slicing, dicing, piercing, thrashing, ripping, pulling, twisting, throwing, just, air itself in the form of a shadow.

The aesthetic I drew from could be summed up as from two sources; Kazeshini from the filler arc of Bleach, combined with a Darkness Elemental from Dragonfable.
A male, but incredibly effeminate form--very thin, pretty short, but still recognizably masculine, and yet a being who is mostly formless. White eyes and an occasional slasher smile, but no nose, no ears, no form beyond shadows that flicker like black flames. Recognizable arms and legs, with a recognizable chest, but for this to be bathed in shadows that make it not look like human skin. Anthropomorphic enough to still appear to be arms, legs, a torso, a head, but with enough obscurity to not give clearly defined edges. Where you can't tell where 'skin' begins because there is none to speak of. Where the shadows bleeding off of Kaze don't give a center of mass, because there is no center of mass.

I've tried multiple times to nail the aesthetic, but every time came up with frustrating failures. So I ended up biting the bullet and actually googled for the reference images from the two main sources of inspiration for Kaze.

And there you have it. (Yes, I did have to refer to an image of kazeshini not from the show itself, because none of the images from the show gave me the references I was looking for.)

The Darkness Elemental on the left, from Dragonfable, was one of the main aesthetics I was going for with the look. See the face, the shoulders, the chest? and the look on the arms (albeit, the arms on the darkness elemental are much much too big when it gets to the firsts)? That somewhat-transparent, wreathed in black darkness that oozes the aura of a blaze?

Now just give it the more anthropomorphic shape of kazeshini on the right, and you've got Kaze. This image shows perfectly the proportions of what I want Kaze to be--the thin, but still masculine, chest, with the approximately right proportioned arms and head, with the slasher smile and the killer eyes. (Bonus; this image has hair which looks a bit like the black flame-like aesthetic I am aiming for, at the forehead.)

It should be so easy to draw. Pencils provide the perfect medium to do it--you can nail the aesthetic of a living shadow, of flame-like wind sheathed in darkness, just by using pencil mark after pencil mark after pencil mark.

But it's still so darn hard to nail.

Still, tho.

​I'm trying!

I am.

Suddenly.

Not in a good mindspace.

Really not in a good mindspace.

Really really bad.

Overwhelmingly.

I just.

I want to disappear.
Vanish.
I feel like trash.

Just.

Terrible.

I am.

I am.

I just.
Feel like maybe things would be better if I wasn't around. If I didn't exist.

I feel worse than worthless. That I make things worse, just by...just by being around, just not making things better, just by making things.

I don't know.

I'm just.

Why do I exist when I am so bad.

Missed a day, sooooo.
January 10th it is then.

Still, tho.
I did do work today, albeit not much. Downloading a video editing software after googling it, in this case, lightworks.
Now granted.
Is that the move?
Who knows? I'll need to explore it more. Look up tutorials, see what it's like, see if it's what I want to use, but I need to start somewhere​ and here's as good a place as any. Even if I end up using a different software, the experience should eventually transfer over. Hopefully.

...But I did a sketch for Phyrra and Cyrus today, breaking the solid no-work-streak, so like.

That's the first step!

Overall, just feeling much much much better and on the road to recovery, so. Progress!

As of today, missed twelve days.
With the original date as January 23rd, 2023, missing 12 days means it is moved to January 11th, 2023.
I am still sick, but hopefully I'll be getting better soon.

Overall I feel like I am moving towards being better, but I'm definitely not there yet.

I think it's to January 12th now? I'll double-check that tomorrow.

Every night I go to bed, hoping that when I wake up the next day, if not cured, I'll at least be better...
...Only to be greeted by a new, fresh hell every time I wake up, where my symptoms have changed from the day before in a way that is just as bad or worse as the day before.

Also, if I am doing my math right.
Back to January 16th we go.

Let's see. Original date, January 23rd 2023.
Missed Friday, that's January 22nd.
Missed Saturday, that's January 21st.
Missed Sunday, that's January 20th.
Missed Monday, that's January 19th.
Probably going to miss today, moving it to January 18th.

Oof.

I want to be a better person. I want to change to be the person I want to be. But it is so...so hard to change, when you're so, so sick in so many ways.

The ironic thing is.

On Thursday night, I made an impulsive whim of a decision: "tomorrow, I am going to buy the clothing I want to wear, provided I can wash it away from home"--a provisional big HUGE leap forward, one incredibly risky. Would require me to wear my coat at all times and pants as well, to not make it obvious, but I was willing to take that risk, if I could prevent the clothing from being gross.

Again, like I said, willing to field the bill for the clothing if I could wash them, and also field the bill for a laundromat, etc. I was willing to take that big huge gigantic risk...

...And then I got sick.

Really, really sick.

Yesterday, spent all of it waiting to be tested by the doctor. I don't have a bacterial infection in the chest (still possible to have one in throat/nose tho), and they tested me for two strands of the flu which came up negative (obviously, could be a different strand they didn't test for), and then they tested for the coronavirus, still waiting for those results (will get them in 1-3 days).

Can say--today I do feel mostly better, but that does have a caveat to it.
Every single day, I thought I was better...and then I ended the day being worse, much much worse, than the day before. So, could always get much much much worse again, but today, legit just feeling much much better.

I haven't felt feverish--admittedly, haven't checked even though I probably should, but that's good.
I'm barely coughing and it's back to being a dry cough--good.
I still have a sore throat, but it's much closer to being the sore throat I had on the first day, barely noticeable.
The main thing is a bad headache which no amount of drinking water (and it's definitely not caffeine withdrawal either) can fix. Tylenol helps to mitigate it tho.

Overall, most of my symptoms aren't there, or are much lower.

Again.
Can, and have, taken turns for the worse before when I thought I was getting better.

But, cautiously optimistic!

Anyway.
Still feeling terrible.
There's so many things I want to do.
And due to my sickness.
So many things I can't do.
​It's just...very frustrating.

Yes, will be moving back the coming-out deadline by one day, assuming I am of course alive two years from now.

That sounds very very morbid, but uhhhhhhh...I have good reason to be scared.

No shortness of breath, yet, but my condition has taken a notable turn for the worse. The question now isn't common cold or coronavirus, it's flu or coronavirus, and neither condition is particularly pleasant. Yesterday I had a dry cough, but pretty much nothing else. I had the vague sensation of some sort of respiratory disease, in that I could feel it in my chest, but beyond that, my only symptom was a pseudo-sore-throat, by which I mean, it felt like there was a knot in my throat but swallowing wasn't painful.

Today that pseudo-sore-throat evolved into a sore throat proper, well and truly hurting to swallow and still having that feeling of being a massive clump, while also being somewhat of a burning sensation. The dry cough happened less often, and I didn't have the same feeling of the chest as I did yesterday, but my temperature got worse.

Yesterday, it peaked at 99.7--high, yes, but not dangerously high.

My temperature is currently 100.7.

I've taken two ibuprofen and am going to take two tylenol later, with me in the mean time continuing to drink lots and lots and lots of water to hopefully not take a turn for the worse. My family has been informed, is alert, and will continue to monitor me, and we're very closely on the lookout for shortness of breath.

With luck, I'll be fine.

But right now I am not gonna lie.
​I am terrified.