I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.

I genuinely didn't do anything of note today. I didn't even do much in the way of note-taking. (Speaking of which I have a few notes I should write--but obviously, haven't.)

I should mention though that while I was aware that medical trans stuff would be expensive, I had no clue that non-medical trans stuff would also be quite expensive and also fairly hard to find and then actually use.

I bought D-cup silicone breast (falsies) for use to help make it more obvious that I am a girl, mainly for work but also at home as a statement.

They work, giving incredible euphoria!
They look amazing.
They place weight on me making it slightly harder to breathe, pressing on my chest--which, well, not the greatest for health I imagine but increases the euphoria because actual breasts do that!

...But they also refuse to stay in place on me, and I'm struggling to get them to.

I should clarify, I am growing natural breasts. But while my natural breast growth is happening, I'll likely never get breasts to the size that I desire and even if I did, it'd be years from now. So having these silicone falsies is an amazing boost for appearance and happiness.

The problem is that I don't want anatomically accurate booba to slip out of my outfit while I am...well basically anywhere but especially in public and especially at work. And even if it doesn't outright slip out, if it just slips positions, it can get in the way of me doing tasks, by providing distractions that I shouldn't have. So I need to fix that.

On my first outing, I did a test-run using duct tape. It worked reasonably well, but it's duct tape on two surfaces not designed for it: the silicone insert, and human skin. (Ow.) So I am working on alternatives. Expensive alternatives. Extensive alternatives.

The quick google search answer suggests that the recommended thing is double-sided tape. Tried that. It worked for a day the first time, but it takes a ton of time to apply, and both today and yesterday when I tried it, it...didn't really work. At all yesterday (to be fair, different type that was weaker than the first), and half today (one worked well enough, the other...didn't).

So now I'm going to desperately be trying to make do until my next idea arrives (assuming my mother orders it), which is a form of temporary glue meant for prosthetics, the type designed to hold surfaces like silicone to the skin for extended periods of time.

It's quite expensive in most places though. The cheapest I could find was like $15.

I did also find something that I really hoped existed tho, and that's basically a false-vagina of sorts to cover the bottom. Also reasonably expensive too.

All this is to say that if I get them and if they work, it'll be great for me as it'll make passing as a girl to random strangers at work much much much easier. Between having a mask for my face, breasts for the chest, and something for the lower anatomy, in theory, I should just appear as a tall woman to them.

That's the hope.

I may order hip padding if this isn't enough.

All this work, just to get some extra work comfort of having it be easier to gender me correctly.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

Alright, so I asked/requested an order for a few items I've really wanted. (No guarantee that the items will actually be what I want so it might end up being a waste of money; no guarantee that they will actually be gotten. But, at least I took initiative in asking.)

I put in a refill for medication.

I haven't tackled financial stuff (which is a must-do), or stayed on top of teeth hygiene, but today was a full shower day.

Otherwise, though, no games once more. I've the urge to play minecraft, I need to keep playing League games for the blue essence and for the quest I've only a week left to complete. I've gotta finish my FFVII grind. I did none of that.

So like. Not much done today.

I mean, it's understandable.
American Holiday which my family celebrates, with my family all over.

I've multiple reasons for not really wanting to celebrate the day, but while I might not want to celebrate the day, I've no choice but to--not celebrating it is far more dangerous, given my family environment. I have to celebrate, for my own safety. At least pretend to be interested. I need to eat for sustenance, I need to be involved in activities, even if only halfheartedly.

Granted, I still appreciate the family traditions, it's just that there's multiple reasons I don't really want to celebrate, prominently among them being that only one member of my family actually names and genders me correctly consistently, and she's the one who is most a guest in the house and least a resident of it.

When my family is hostile towards me being me, I just don't have the same investment in a family-oriented holiday. It's just that me not being involved would lead to them being even more hostile to me, rather than less.

So yeah. Understandable I couldn't get much done.

Still a disappointment tho.

I wanted to do so much more.

Well, to explain: I actually had work today. Instantly, that means that the day is automatically more productive from an adulting perspective than a normal Saturday is (since those are normally my day off).

So, that being there is something that I spent productive time on.

​Of course, subjectively, not productive since it's not furthering any of my goals aside from "continued employment" (which, to be fair, is a good goal to have, it's just not really a goal as I think of goals being).

I had a streamer who normally doesn't stream today but who I try to catch every stream of, streaming today which ate up 80% of the day. This is not really productive, but since I watch them every Tuesday Thursday Friday and Sunday, catching (most of) their stream and doing what I normally do there, was worth it overall.

That streamer played Stardew Valley and it was mentioned about "have you 100%ed it yet", and I haven't, but I know the two things I need to do: fishing and mining. (Mostly, monster-slaying.)

I'm still working on Stardew Valley farm stuff. I want to reorganize my things so that every single item I'm stacking multiple of has their own chest (maybe multiple) in a logical location, and that things I'm not stacking but are related, are grouped as well. I also want more farm animals, to max out my barns.

Beyond that, I want to optimize the beach farm, to make it be as space-efficient as possible, matching the efficiency of the greenhouse.

But mostly?

Mostly, I've done everything I want to. Wife and kid maintenance needs to be done daily, but I've completed basically everything else, and achieved everything I set out to do, pretty much. (I might have a golden walnut or two not found, but I'll check that next time I do a save file check.)

So I figured, "yaknow what, why don't we start progressing the two things I haven't?", so...I did exactly that! I caught 2/5 of the base legendary fish. In one day.

It's not complete, obv, but it's progress at least!

So, like.

Productivity-wise, not much done, but it wasn't nothing!

Today was also the 1-year anniversary of my having come out as a girl in real life to my family.

It had some fanfare to the occasion, but was mostly, not noteworthy. That's kinda disappointing, I admit. It was something that to me, is a very big deal, but like...there's no festivities to it.

I was trying to celebrate it with an art piece, but...

...This was meant to be just the background.

It was meant to have a complete drawing of me in it, with text having my name in it, too.

I started at the beginning of the month.

I barely got this much done.

So like.

I didn't get the fanfare done myself, so the lack of fanfare is mostly my own fault.

Ah well, it is what it is.

It's a huge event to me, but there's more to celebrate than just today, there will be future celebrations as long as I live.

I know that today was huge for doing things but I genuinely have no memory of what they were.

I guess that a huge thing is that my breasts now have bounce to them! When I hop up and down, they actually jiggle, which is a very new thing and means that they are large enough to be under the effects of the law of physics, affected by gravity.

​But beyond that, while I know today was a huge day for things, I remember...nothing.

I shout as I get up from my chair to leave for bed and turn the monitor off. (In my head obv, plurality thing.)

Since I don't wanna be late, gonna keep it quick.

Done things:
Am now stretching back;
Am increasing cardio;
Am now singing;
Am returning to posture/walking/etc. more feminine, on the horizon: talking too.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.

Turns out one of my medications I've been taking during the day can cause drowsiness.

Now granted, with me taking it at the night now my nights will be extra tired, but in theory​ my days should be better!