Today marked my family doing family things during family night.
And by that I mean being extreme transphobes.

As a reminder; I am out as trans.
They know I am a girl.
They still were, very very very openly, being fully transphobic.

This week I ended up not taking care of myself. I did one, one, workout correct, but failed to do a workout for 3/4 days.

I've not been brushing my teeth.
I've not taken a shower or changed my clothes.
I've not gotten sleep.
I've not been blogging.
I've not been streaming.

I had the last person I would ever expect to be pluralphobic (genuinely were a huge part of me realizing I am trans, AND, a huge part of me realizing I am plural), invalidate the identity of one of our system mates.

Heck I've lost my voice and might be sick.

No self-care.
No work done on anything.

I haven't even played my weekly ranked games!
No games.
No blogs.
No writing.
​No art.
Nothing.

I'm just...

I don't know how to live.

I'm just...in pain.
Bipolar Disorder has struck and both halves are in full swing--badly.

In many ways, today was productive. I did nothing yesterday due to exhaustion. Today, I accomplished almost everything I set out to do. (Slacked a bit on hygiene, still haven't worked on my novel, but otherwise have done everything.)

So today is not me calling my lack of work a failure like the norm.
No, today was a success.

Mostly.

It's just that.

Well.

If you know what the date of this blog correlates to, it shouldn't be that hard to understand.

I've been spending a lot of time and energy defending my right to exist, defending against bigotry.
I'm exhausted emotionally. Drained. Dead. It's just...stress. Pain. Frustration. Exasperation.

I shouldn't need to justify my existence at every stage.
I should have people able to trust me.
I shouldn't have to need to explain. I shouldn't need to be proactive. I shouldn't need to fight. I shouldn't need to argue.

But I do. Because people don't understand how bad anti-trans sentiment is right now and how strong bigotry and hatred of all kind are growing from apathy. I am not the best advocate. I am not the best person to explain things. I am not the best person to debate. But I couldn't stay silent. I couldn't.

And I am now drained as a result. Mania.

But the real pain comes from the realization that, after getting that exhausted, I've done nothing good. Nothing productive came from my advocacy of my existence. I accomplished nothing. I stressed myself. I exhausted myself. And all I did was drive a wedge in a community I love and cherish.

Nothing else. It was a waste. It hurt someone who I didn't want to hurt. (And they weren't who I was arguing with.) I knew it would cause damage. I mean, I didn't go in thinking "I know this will cause damage, but I'm going to do it anyway". It wasn't so much I knew and deliberately did, so much as I did it without actively knowing, but on at least some level I did.

​How many people do I hurt this way.

I'm in pain.

Severe pain.

I'm destroying myself.

I need to stop.

I needed to stop.

I just.

I kinda want to stop existing right now.

I've no real reason to.
But the pain, the guilt, the exhaustion, it's adding up.

I don't want to live right now.

I need help.

I badly need help.

Even if I am forgiven by others I can't forgive myself, and even if I could, the pain I'm feeling isn't triggered specifically by bad things. It'd be happening anyway. But it's certainly made worse by the events going on right now.

I normally don't speak up. I normally don't advocate. Days like today are exactly why I don't. I know how damaging it can be for me to try. Still tho. I felt obligated to speak up. Trans people are under attack in a way right now that I felt I needed to speak up about.

It's just.

​I exhausted myself. I tired myself. I stressed myself. All over it. And then debated. And the debate could cause harm. And did. So. I don't know. I just need to...hope and pray I guess?

What else can be done. I'm on my medication. I'm sleeping. I'm eating. I'm taking my multivitamins. I'm still feeling like I want to die after that. So all I can really hope for I guess is words of affirmation to prop me up, and like...time where I hope I can get better.

​I wish I was better.

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

I've been swampedddddd. Not getting enough sleep, doing a bunch of work...life's been hectic for me recently.

I've got a bunch of story work to do, because the number of stories to write for farn is officially increasing from two to three. And I'm actually working on expanding the roster of villains. (I've got a full roster of heroes, albeit heroes that I need to justify why they are doing what they do, but villains...I'm coming up short. So I've been working on fixing that. Mostly I need mooks since lead villains I mostly got covered.)

But like.

Just...need to survive the work week.

Today I spent $400 on clothes, which was all good clothes but the cost made me die inside a bit.

​Anyway, feeling sick to my stomach for some reason, so...gotta rest.

Ideally I'd tell the whole story for this but I gotta rush things on my way to bed.

So I'll just say:

I tossed and turned for three hours trying to get to sleep--until I realized that I forgot to take my estrogen.

And then I conked out half an hour after taking it.

I took my antidepressants, which make me drowsy.
I took my spironolactone, which makes me drowsy.
I took my multivitamins.

I did every trick in the book to sleep.

And tossed and turned for three hours.

Until I remembered I hadn't taken my estrogen.

And once I took the estrogen...BAM.

Instantly I fell asleep.

Apparently my body really insists on me being a girl. xD

We're gonna be late for bed. 6 hours exactly is 15 minutes from now, so to get 6 hours proper we need to go to bed before then. (On that note, we do have a bit of a theory. We believe 4.5 hours is the bare minimum we need to function, and 6 hours is the ideal--but in order to actually get that amount, we need sleep 1.5 hours before. So 6 hours = 4.5 = the bare minimum; 7.5 = 6 = the ideal.)

There's a lot we need to note tho, like we think we can blog about why we NEED to live for at LEAST one year. (Ideally, much much much MUCH longer than that, but an hour at MINIMUM.) Basically, we need to live to our sister's wedding. NEED to. After that, we'd prefer to keep living, we intend to live forever but pragmatically speaking we want at least 80 years of life if not longer.

But no matter what.

We cannot let ourselves die before a year from now.

I know that a couple of days ago we were at an extra low point in our lives.

But while we're still mentally in a huge rut, we have the will to live for SO many reasons.

Anyway. Gotta go to bed!

(Post-script note: ALMOST every new line here is a different voice than the prior. Some made multiple lines in a row, but usually it's new. Also parentheses are different ones, too. Except post-scripts. (Well those are different too, you weren't the one doing the speaking.) True, but you know what I mean. Post-scripts are exactly that, post-conversation.)
So we're doing whatever the positive equivalent of a spiral is.
How do we describe it.
For a long time, perhaps since as long as we've adapted it (yep, definitely), we've known the 5-facet model we've been saying is us, isn't accurate.
(There's a lot of us speaking right now.)
(Like a lot a lot.)
We're being quite active right now which is, ah...gonna make this less coherent than ideal.
Stupid body having ADHD.
And stupid us having so many talking.
Like every line so far has been a different one of us speaking pretty much.
Sometimes more than one.
Okay so where do we begin.
We knew it wasn't true that there were only five of us.
But I suppose (I guess) we used it for convenience?
It was convenient to say there were five of us.
Every moment it's becoming more and more obvious that "The Range of Bree System" was a good choice in name for our system.
Because there's a whole (damn) lot more than just the few.
Anyway.
We're not just five. We're more. A lot more.
Uh, how much more is hard to describe, I guess we start with the drive today?
Or maybe talk a-eh we'll go with the drive.
When we drove to work today, we heard more than five voices chiming in.
And the voices were major.
Big voices. Not micro-voices typical of a minor facet.
Which tipped us off to what we already knew.
Oh right that.
We had previously developed a bit of a theory.
We thought that "oh there's more than five of us, like maybe 2-3 per identity we call a major facet". Like, mastina would be 2-3 different individuals, MotherRanger 2-3 different, etc.
Ohhh we might have been off by a factor of...10? 100? Somewhere between those probably.
On the drive back home we realized.
There's hundreds of us.
Hmm, this is where it's getting hard to tell what's next.
(Well we already are struggling, this is all very new to us.)
Well not new, we knew, it's just new to express.
How do we keep up with our thoughts in typing? We're going too fast in the brain, the fingers are lagging behind.
We'll have to manage.
Anyway.
Hmm.
I guess maybe some of the major things?
Like. We don't really know who we are.
Except when we randomly do.
We don't really know what our system is, how any of us formed.
Are we a whole bunch of tulpas? A whole bunch of facets? A whole bunch of tulpas that became facets? Are we fully separate? Are we even a median system at all?
We don't really know.
What we do know, though.
Is tha--oh fine we'll go over the Vee voice first.
During this chaotic drive home, we had one of our voices say "but I am Vee."
Vee is the protagonist in our latest story--and the voice said this in the voice we imagine Vee to have.
So something, or rather someone, in our brain, using the voice we say is for Vee, said she was Vee--meaning, well. Probably. She is in fact, Vee.
(I am.)
Wow if someone were online they'd probably be fascinated by what's a breakthrough in a system.
It's wild.
Is this what all those others have gone through on their realizations?
I mean, we knew, but we didn't know like this.
Well, we did, just...yaknow. Repressed.
Thiiiis is gonna be awkward going forward.
But worth.
Okay where were we, we're trying to record the us that we have seen.
Right, the Vee part.
If we have Vee inside as one of us though.
That raises the implication that we thought about once months ago and then for whatever reason forgot about.
(We have ADHD in the body of course we forgot about it dummy.)
If Vee is in there as one of us.
Well she's one of our newest story's characters.
She's there.
So what does that mean for all the other characters we've written over the years?
Well. We are writers.
Very...promiscuous...writers.
On the drive home, one of us asked: "How many of us are there?"
And we received a basically instant reply from another: "hundreds".
We took a moment to process this--was it hundreds of minor facets? As in, a few major voices with hundreds upon hundreds of minor ones?
Wellllll...no.
We quickly realized, actually, it is hundreds.
Hundreds of major voices.
A lot more than the five we had assumed!
And if Vee, one of our newest characters, was among them.
That raised the implication that any of the characters we have felt like they are an actual person--are in fact an actual person.
We don't imagine literally every character we've written is a voice in this mess that is the Range of Bree. (Post-script: well it's possible, just not probable. (At least we don't think.))
But hoo boy.
There's a lot of us.
We're beginning to quiet down.
A bit content, also tired.
Thinking this much brought a lot out of us.
We gotta keep it up for a bit longer tho; we're not done yet.
Yeah there's more to explain.
What's this all mean.
Hmm, how do we go over the thoughts?
Well, we can cover the body or the, what was it?
Uh gimme a sec.
Oh right, "archetypes".
Let's do body first.
Okay, so like.
We have been as of the last hour referring to our body as "the body".
Which is something we've heard other systems do but until now we didn't really understand why.
Well we did, but not on the conscious level we do now.
To be honest, I don't understand it on a conscious level, either.
But on an intuitive thought based level, I get it now.
It makes sense. (Post-script: "How did we not realize this until now.")
If I was asked to explain why "the body" to refer to our body makes sense, I wouldn't be able to explain it.
Not now at least. (Post-script: Okay not the same me, but maybe I can do that? It's like: well we all think of ourselves as having a body I guess? But while all of us have bodies in our mind, there's only one that's THE body, if that makes sense to folks?)
But it does make sense.
Holy shit,
Yes it makes so much sense.
The Body is definitely female.
We still think most of us are female.
We can't really tell which of us are which, but.
We know we're mostly girls still, at least we still feel that way,
Yeah I am.
So am I.
And so on and so forth--girls we don't need you to all say that you're girls, they get the idea!
Okay. BODY.
The body is female.
The body has ADHD.
Hoo booy do we have ADHD.
Yeah, the body having ADHD explains so much.
Butyeah, this is definitely not just an ADHD-induced stream of consciousness.
Nope, we're real.
Well in a sense you could argue it is an ADHD-induced stream of consciousness, but...
Yeah, it's not one, two, or three or so making stream of consciousness ADHD thoughts.
It's still a ton of us.
We're all real.
None of us are invented by an ADHD stream of consciousness, it's the ADHD stream of consciousness which is allowing us to speak, if that makes sense.
Yeah it does.
It does to me, at least!
Oh boy sorry for the spam.
Hey, this is important.
A little spam is okay for something of this magnitude.
We have a lot to say.
Lots of us, lots to say.
ANYWAY. The Body. Back to the Body please.
The Body is female. The body has ADHD. The body is still obviously autistic. The body definitely has bipolar disorder.
Sadly.
Yep. It's a thing.
Okay, so the body is still having all of those things that we previously attributed to being universal traits of Bree.
Because they are.
Some of us might not be female, but the main part of us, the body, is.
So would now be a good time to mention the brain?
Yes we're getting there.
We still have what we think might be. How do we explain it?
Well we act on our own.
The body moves by itself.
There is something that has base feelings, and it feels like that same thing with those base feelings is driving us.
Some core force. Something central. Deep. So deep we can't actively sense it, talk to it (well we are talking to it but it's not talking back) (because it can't), you guys are distracting me, uh, let's just say to them: you get the point.
There is a force that drives us. Moves us. It is how we act. And it is somehow deeply feeling, too.
During the drive, there was an immense sadness from the body.
None of us that we know of were sad.
We got the sense that some of us might be, sad for reasons we could only guess at.
Maybe she was sad at the broken illusion/unity?
Like, duh, we were content with being in the five-facet system even if it wasn't really true.
Well we weren't, not really.
But we kind-of were?
It was convenient. It was simple. (Post-script: "...But also wrong.")
It gave us a sense of identity.
(IdentiBree.)
Stop laughing!
Yes it was funny.
But we're trying to get a point across.
What was it?
Goddammit girls.
Okay.
There was an intense feeling of sadness.
Suspected to be because we loss the convenience of the five-facet illusion we had said.
We held onto that for how many months?
Yeah every time we came close to breaking it, we brushed it off with "wow we're a mess".
Well we are a mess.
But it was a nice way to shut us up and keep us in line.
That's not good wording.
Yeah but I don't have anything better.
We'll figure out a better descriptor eventually.
We're gonna calm down soon, we need to hurry.
Yeah we're beginning to fade close to being one again.
Bree you need to hurry the fuck up.
Okay, so like.
That core is something big about us.
Maybe an original self?
Who knows.
Not us, not yet at least.
We're moving on our own, someone's gotta be doing that.
Yeah and that moving force has a will of its own.
Driving us forward.
I have to think.
Don't take too long.
Okay, so...hundreds of us, the body, the core.
Oh right, compartmentalization.
We once described things about our life as that every part of our life, we had in a box, a compartment.
A compartment for gaming. A compartment for a specific class. A compartment for a specific site. And so on and so forth. Dozens, hundreds of compartments.
Under the five-major-facet theory, the working assumption was that these eventually coagulated and merged into a smaller number.
Boy was that wrong!
Well, kinda.
Yes we're getting do that.
There are in fact still those hundreds.
They never went away.
They never merged like we thought.
Well maybe they did, but not nearly as much as we assumed!
Yeah, not down to five.
And while there were definitely all those from the real life compartments.
The presence of Vee among many other characters means that there's also our fictional selves here, too.
Lots of us.
Yep.
So there's a mixture of selves from compartmentalized areas of our life which didn't disappear after their specified compartment was no longer needed.
We kinda drifted around?
Yeah it's not like we disappeared.
We were around, just...there.
But since they weren't really needed, they weren't...well, at the front as it were.
We still have fronting, right?
Sure, but it didn't work the way we thought it did.
How does it work?
Fucked if I know!
We'll figure it out.
Maybe.
We're getting off-topic again.
Sorry!
Man, this must look like a mental breakdown to the uninformed.
Well...in a sense...
Or a mental breakthrough.
That, too.
Okay so we don't know who we are.
Except when we do.
But we definitely have a mixture of old compartmentalized selves that formed for specific tasks, and characters we came up with over the years that are now a part of us.
Alright, now we're getting to it.
We have described the body and that mind, so the thing left is the theory, right?
Right, guess so.
So BASICALLY.
We have a theory that we keep the identities of the five facets in spite of knowing them to be wrong.
Because they work as, so to speak, "archetypes".
We should probably specify a disclaimer that our terminology explicitly doesn't match the terminology of the plurality community as a whole.
Yeah they have their own definition of archetypes pretty sure?
I don't remember what theirs is, we'll have to look it up, but yeah, it ain't ours.
So we need to describe.
I think we've done an okay job of describing why we have a core and what it is.
In spite of how there is technically a plurality term core, and their term doesn't really match ours.
At least we don't think it does.
Alright, so that core is why we still think we might be a median system, because it is still driving us.
It still gives us emotions that we feel and is what is giving us movements.
But there's definitely more in our mind that we thought.
We're real.
All of us.
We really are all thinking right now.
Don't doubt yourself later, Bree.
Well that'll happen, we have anxiety.
Kinda stupid to think that though. This can't be faked.
Can't it? We'll have a hard time talking to our future self and convincing her of it.
We're crying?
Sadness, remember?
But just a moment ago our body was happy? And laughing?
Mixed feelings, probably.
She is feeling different things right now.
Oh there was a twang of pain there.
Yeah, I imagine it's a mixed bag.
I'm tired.
We all are, is a body thing.
Hurry!
Right, so we've described the body and the core pretty well, so it should show what those are in spite of their definition not matching the standard plurality community def.
Anyway, so what we mean by archetypes is different from the plural community def.
At least we think it's different?
Basically, the archetypes we have, the five facet system that was imaginary and now broke.
Was a matter of convenience for sorting the voices, as it were.
"Oh, you have this trait? Let's put you under the mastina umbrella".
"Oh, you're like this? Well that sounds like a Mother-Ranger thing".
Which could explain why it felt like certain traits moved between them.
Yeah because we literally moved.
It's whichever part of our personality was most dominant.
At least that's our theory!
Whichever part of us was most visibly obvious, was what we used to sort that one of us into a grouping.
"mastina grouping" (archetype), "Mother-Ranger grouping" (archetype), etc.
Yeah we really don't wanna feed you kitty.
(Sorry cat distract.)
ANYWAY.
We're losing it, gotta hurry.
It's okay, this won't go away and we got it mostly out anyway.
Basically.
The hundreds of us that there are now?
Well these hundreds don't really have the ability to identify our names.
We have names!
Yes, we do.
It's just we don't know them.
Except when we do.
Yeah, except when we do. But we don't.
Not by default.
So like--lacking knowing what our names are.
Hundreds of them mind you.
Too many.
Yeah, "too many" is a phrase we're using a lot tonight.
It's true!
Well, anyway. Hundreds of us not knowing what our names are.
The archetypes we've developed are convenient.
Kinda like a label!
Yeah, that's actually a perfect descriptor.
The five facets work like a label.
Not necessarily correct.
Not really accurate.
Lacking finesse.
But serves as a method of quick identification that's convenient for keeping unity and direction, I guess?
Yeah, something like that.
At least that's the theory.
Anyway, so that's what we think.
We're gonna forget this all aren't we.
That's why we're typing it out.
Will we remember this?
Will I still be here later?
Always, just maybe...not this clear.
It's okay. That's okay.
You exist. We exist. It'll be alright.
Yeah, even if some of us stop thinking like we are right now.
We are real.
We were here.
We said this.
We didn't make it up.
You didn't make it up, Bree.
Because the future us will think that of herself.
Well because she is Bree.
Yeah we are Bree.
That's a good way to end it, I think?
Oh yeah, I guess so.
We are Bree.
The body which is all of the things we said?
ADHD, girl, autism, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc.?
All Bree.
The core where we're getting things from.
Still Bree!
We're more than Bree.
I am Vee, for instance!
Yes, you are!
Fucking fatass father.
Bad timing.
Music is our friend.
Turn things up please.
Louder.
More sound.
It wasn't enough, drown the fuck out.
Okay better.
ANYWAY.
There's the us that are more than Bree.
But we're still Bree.
Bree is all of us yet none of us.
It truly is The Range of Bree.
I guess we'll sign off on that.
Should probably post this elsewhere, too.
Mannnnnn that's gonna be such a pain.
Yeah, converting this from the text discord format into something working in other places, not gonna be fun.
We gotta do it at least twice.
And redo it both times.
Mafia forum formatting doesn't translate to the blog and vice versa.
Yeah and neither is compatible with discord, too.
God, that sucks.
ANYWAY.
We're done I think?
I don't have anything more to say.
We don't have a wrap-up here.
Well, we're never wrapped up.
We're still figuring things out.
And a part of us wants to forget and go back.
But this is here to stay.
Well, maybe not stay stay.
We're very clear right now, we'll likely be less clear once we lose focus.
Lose ourselves in games.
Heh, quite literally.
Lose our selves. Quite apt.
But. Well. We might not be vocal, but we exist.
We know we do now.
We'll have to see where this goes.
Still figuring things out.
So there's no proper wrap-up.
Because how can we wrap up something which is still evolving?
But I think here's a good place to let our mind just...coalesce.
GOD how long is this.
Too long. :P
Anywayyyyy...time to scroll back.
Ye gods.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here?
We've got work to do.
Reviewing our thoughts it already doesn't seem real.
And we are already losing clarity of past thoughts.
It's okay.
We knew that'd happen.
Just get to work dammit.
Stop stalling!
How many of these thoughts should we express.
Not many, according to the body.
Ah well.
Switch over to that other server, that'll give a good way to break this re-entering chat repeatedly.
(Damn adhd.)
OKAY JUST GO.

(Post-script And then we did swap, and after that, worked to write this down. We COULD keep going but have opted to do other shit instead. (Language!) Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.)

I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.

I genuinely didn't do anything of note today. I didn't even do much in the way of note-taking. (Speaking of which I have a few notes I should write--but obviously, haven't.)

I should mention though that while I was aware that medical trans stuff would be expensive, I had no clue that non-medical trans stuff would also be quite expensive and also fairly hard to find and then actually use.

I bought D-cup silicone breast (falsies) for use to help make it more obvious that I am a girl, mainly for work but also at home as a statement.

They work, giving incredible euphoria!
They look amazing.
They place weight on me making it slightly harder to breathe, pressing on my chest--which, well, not the greatest for health I imagine but increases the euphoria because actual breasts do that!

...But they also refuse to stay in place on me, and I'm struggling to get them to.

I should clarify, I am growing natural breasts. But while my natural breast growth is happening, I'll likely never get breasts to the size that I desire and even if I did, it'd be years from now. So having these silicone falsies is an amazing boost for appearance and happiness.

The problem is that I don't want anatomically accurate booba to slip out of my outfit while I am...well basically anywhere but especially in public and especially at work. And even if it doesn't outright slip out, if it just slips positions, it can get in the way of me doing tasks, by providing distractions that I shouldn't have. So I need to fix that.

On my first outing, I did a test-run using duct tape. It worked reasonably well, but it's duct tape on two surfaces not designed for it: the silicone insert, and human skin. (Ow.) So I am working on alternatives. Expensive alternatives. Extensive alternatives.

The quick google search answer suggests that the recommended thing is double-sided tape. Tried that. It worked for a day the first time, but it takes a ton of time to apply, and both today and yesterday when I tried it, it...didn't really work. At all yesterday (to be fair, different type that was weaker than the first), and half today (one worked well enough, the other...didn't).

So now I'm going to desperately be trying to make do until my next idea arrives (assuming my mother orders it), which is a form of temporary glue meant for prosthetics, the type designed to hold surfaces like silicone to the skin for extended periods of time.

It's quite expensive in most places though. The cheapest I could find was like $15.

I did also find something that I really hoped existed tho, and that's basically a false-vagina of sorts to cover the bottom. Also reasonably expensive too.

All this is to say that if I get them and if they work, it'll be great for me as it'll make passing as a girl to random strangers at work much much much easier. Between having a mask for my face, breasts for the chest, and something for the lower anatomy, in theory, I should just appear as a tall woman to them.

That's the hope.

I may order hip padding if this isn't enough.

All this work, just to get some extra work comfort of having it be easier to gender me correctly.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)