All Too Human
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Rambles, Rants, and Musings

I'm not well off.

2/10/2023

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I'm just...in pain.
Bipolar Disorder has struck and both halves are in full swing--badly.

In many ways, today was productive. I did nothing yesterday due to exhaustion. Today, I accomplished almost everything I set out to do. (Slacked a bit on hygiene, still haven't worked on my novel, but otherwise have done everything.)

So today is not me calling my lack of work a failure like the norm.
No, today was a success.

Mostly.

It's just that.

Well.

If you know what the date of this blog correlates to, it shouldn't be that hard to understand.

I've been spending a lot of time and energy defending my right to exist, defending against bigotry.
I'm exhausted emotionally. Drained. Dead. It's just...stress. Pain. Frustration. Exasperation.

I shouldn't need to justify my existence at every stage.
I should have people able to trust me.
I shouldn't have to need to explain. I shouldn't need to be proactive. I shouldn't need to fight. I shouldn't need to argue.

But I do. Because people don't understand how bad anti-trans sentiment is right now and how strong bigotry and hatred of all kind are growing from apathy. I am not the best advocate. I am not the best person to explain things. I am not the best person to debate. But I couldn't stay silent. I couldn't.

And I am now drained as a result. Mania.

But the real pain comes from the realization that, after getting that exhausted, I've done nothing good. Nothing productive came from my advocacy of my existence. I accomplished nothing. I stressed myself. I exhausted myself. And all I did was drive a wedge in a community I love and cherish.

Nothing else. It was a waste. It hurt someone who I didn't want to hurt. (And they weren't who I was arguing with.) I knew it would cause damage. I mean, I didn't go in thinking "I know this will cause damage, but I'm going to do it anyway". It wasn't so much I knew and deliberately did, so much as I did it without actively knowing, but on at least some level I did.

​How many people do I hurt this way.

I'm in pain.

Severe pain.

I'm destroying myself.

I need to stop.

I needed to stop.

I just.

I kinda want to stop existing right now.

I've no real reason to.
But the pain, the guilt, the exhaustion, it's adding up.

I don't want to live right now.

I need help.

I badly need help.

Even if I am forgiven by others I can't forgive myself, and even if I could, the pain I'm feeling isn't triggered specifically by bad things. It'd be happening anyway. But it's certainly made worse by the events going on right now.

I normally don't speak up. I normally don't advocate. Days like today are exactly why I don't. I know how damaging it can be for me to try. Still tho. I felt obligated to speak up. Trans people are under attack in a way right now that I felt I needed to speak up about.

It's just.

​I exhausted myself. I tired myself. I stressed myself. All over it. And then debated. And the debate could cause harm. And did. So. I don't know. I just need to...hope and pray I guess?

What else can be done. I'm on my medication. I'm sleeping. I'm eating. I'm taking my multivitamins. I'm still feeling like I want to die after that. So all I can really hope for I guess is words of affirmation to prop me up, and like...time where I hope I can get better.

​I wish I was better.
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    rBree2

    AKA:
    RangerBree2
    ​rangerbreenew

    Just your average blogger. A transwoman lesbian, with autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, who is plural (a polyfrag median system).

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