The short version is, they believed me; I have a new medication to hopefully deal with nausea which will hopefully solve low appetite which will hopefully reverse weight loss, but for my other symptoms: bloodwork, bloodwork, bloodwork; I have some results today but all the results will be here by tomorrow. (No, I can't access them yet, need to talk to my parents about that. Which I believe we're planning to do, tomorrow.)

And hoh boy do I need it!

But no less sick.

In fact I'm actually more sick than before.

I had pains all along my right side. Shoulder, arm, knee, and especially the hip. These have since faded, but were quite bad at work.

My "zoning out" problem is getting worse and worse. To describe what that is, I honestly think it's a self-defense mechanism of some kind. When my body's suffering, my eyes just kinda...vacate. Become vacant. Zoom out. Fade out. I still see things, and I see them with no blur, but in spite of my vision not being blurred, it's unfocused. I can't really process what I'm seeing, because it's just kinda "out there".

That's something I've had every single day, some days much worse than others, and usually it's when my sickness is making me absolutely miserable, not helped by rather human conditions, like needing to use the restroom, dehydration, hunger, being cold, being hot, being tired, though these latter three are mostly from sickness. (The former three are more from work conditions just being brutal.)

I kinda blank out when it happens, too. My mind sometimes has thoughts in it, but often it's just empty. I exist, but there's nothing in me in those moments.

To be honest, those moments are a little scary--because every time I have them, I'm worried that they could take a turn for the worse. With, I dunno. Maybe me blacking out altogether or something. (Buthey. Doctor in two days! Not tomorrow, but the day after, on Wednesday. With luck, something can be done.)

I've been exhausted, in spite of multiple naps, and also suffering from a minor depression symptom of demotivation, in that I really haven't felt like doing anything. I've had productive things I could have been doing. Or even unproductive things which would at least be progressing something. Something, anything, even if not much.

But I didn't really do any of those. (I did knock out some puzzle games from my 500-game-and-growing-due-to-my-procrastination-and-giving-up playlist on Kongregate, though, so at least I was exercising my brain? Doing puzzles is scientifically proven to be healthy, so. Not total waste?)

I've also eaten a fair amount, albeit not quite as much as I was hoping. I ate most of my lunch; all but the ham and cheese sandwiches, which I felt I wouldn't stomach. I ate soup. I ate some grapes. I had some orange juice. Also drank tea and plenty of coffee at work (with two artificial sweetener packets and two sugar packets for the tea). But I was fixed four hot dogs, and...I don't think I can eat them.

I didn't take a shower today even though I know I need one, in part due to my dad's eating at the time I wanted to but mostly due to fatigue and wanting sleep rather than a warm shower (which honestly would probably have helped more than the sleep but OH WELL).

I have a slight sore throat and have had a little coughing today, too. Didn't really check my temperature at any point but have had the normal sickness variances in extremes between burning up and freezing cold. Then there's the tiredness, if you hadn't gathered that already! Less than before, but still existing.

But I think that's about it.

So, worse than before overall, but not terribly so. This is still "about normal" for me...given that I'm sick.
​This is, absolutely, in no circumstances, normal. But it's normal for me in my current condition. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm glad I'm not worse off. Still bad, still sucks, but I know I could be faring much worse than today.

Needs to be done, forgot it yesterday shouldn't forget it today.

​But so tireddddddd.

Need.

Admittedly, I wrote this one plagiarizing from this:

...But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It's not an exact duplicate, but if you listen to that and then read what I wrote, you'll see the parallels fairly easily and understand why it is unambiguously stealing from them.

I decided to call it "I'm not better off dead".

It goes like so.

When I was born,
I didn't ask for this
Yet I have no less right to exist.

I've been torn
Stuck in-between
What I feel and my upbringing.

I'm in pain
Taught what I am isn't right
Yet there's nothing wrong with my mind

I know the hate
It's deeply affected me
But I'm still a human being


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


When I seek comfort
I can't turn to my family
They'd reject me as a fiend

I am hurt
I want to live my life
So why do I suffer this strife

I've been down
I struggle not to be
I shouldn't live with the bigotry.

I'm not loud
I can't express myself
So I've been living in a hell.


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(The bridge would be an instrumental.)

It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


This isn't necessarily a song written about me, but my living situation was obviously the main inspiration behind the lyrics, with a touch of making it more generic so that it'd be something anyone !cishet (take your choice in terminology) could identify with, but also touch on deeper subjects like feeling suicidal, being disowned, and so on, for things out of their ability to control, and the ignorance to come with it, and so on and so forth.

I got more sleep last night. Good.
I took a shower. Refreshing.
I actually didn't feel sick for most of the day.
Still distracted enough where I may have failed a test at work, but if so that wasn't really my fault (can't really talk about it tho), and it's only a maybe, and not something sickness specifically caused (although it certainly didn't help).

But mostly better.

...And then the afternoon hit and I got a rude reminder.

Yes, I am in fact still sick.

And while not as bad as yesterday.

It's still bad.

​Next week can't come quickly enough.

I'm not gonna get one, this is the closest I come to one, but I need one because I am siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickkkk.

I kinda sorta did, though I did some precursory work for what I needed to do, so it wasn't a full rest day.

It helps me, mentally. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "spending time with my girlfriend", it's a solid 6 in that regard. But physically, hasn't done me a lot of good since I am still sick, and quite visibly so.

Since my plan was for bed and said girlfriend encouraged it, I'll try to get rest.

I do have a doctor's appointment, with my primary care physician. My mom will be going with me, since having family with you ALWAYS helps, but especially helps for someone who is autistic like me and thus, has difficulty really speaking up. I believe she even recorded the list of symptoms I ranted off about, too, so this will hopefully get me somewhere.

It's not until October 31st though, so I have to wait a week.

If things go as they have been, my sickness will be all too happy to make the appointment!

Not that it helped given I still ended up coughing quite a lot, but it's the thought which counts. I basically did only the absolute bare minimum as far as things in my life go. I'll get more active/invested tomorrow, including doing the research I need to do for a thing. (I'd be screwing myself over if I didn't do some reading.)

Can't talk about it much on a blog though, or rather, rather safe than sorry in regards to it. (Basically, playing a non-mafia game, but I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to publicly disclose, so I am keeping mentions of it to a minimum.)