All Too Human
All Too Human
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Rambles, Rants, and Musings

About yesterday's blog:

2/27/2015

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It's blank, but not my fault. Not Weebly's, either, for once. My computer was refusing to connect to the internet, so I was having trouble getting a post in. I did try, though! The blankness you got was the garbled result. You didn't miss much, as the title may have informed you, but I actually had some words in there. Ah, well. The issue's fixed, now, so no problems now with this one.

Speaking of writing a blog post, I had a thought today. More or less, my thought was that...I am very, very, very largely an illusionist. Not in the traditional sense of levitating a coin, disappearance acts, sawed in half acts, or whatnot. Magicians specializing in illusions are one thing, but I'm a master of a different type of illusion.

What type of illusion do I cast?

One over me. By which, I mean...well, this blog was established so that people could get a view of me, 100% without filter. (Not that you've been seeing much of that recently, due to decay from various different factors, butstill.) I made it quite clear, though, early on what the implication of that was: nobody knows even close to all there is about my true self. Hidden within me is all these myriads of different layers of things about me. Some good, lots bad, that never get seen, sometimes not even on here, and which only a small fraction of people get to catch so much as glimpses of.

What do people see instead of that, then? If not the true me, what is it that they see? They see an illusion. They see what I allow them to see, what I present for them to see. Generally, this image is what I feel like I need to be seen as. If I feel like I need to be competent, then I will let myself be competent. If I feel like I need to be incompetent, then I will let myself be incompetent. Play the leader, I can if necessary, be the devoted follower, I can do that too. (More on this in a bit.) If I feel the need to be outgoing, then I will suddenly become outgoing in spite of my shyness. If I feel the need to let others fill that role, then I let them fill it and take the back stage, watching them.

(Incidentally, this is why I am such a competent mafia player. This, above all other things, is my skill as a person. As town, I know what role I need to fill, step into it, and make it work. As mafia, I know precisely what needs to be done to manipulate people to my advantage, because I pick up on what they need to see and then I show it to them.)

In essence? I can make myself seen when I feel like I want to be seen, but I can also make myself disappear, vanish into the background. I can present any image of myself, depending on the group I'm in. Some of them feel more real than others, but none of them are truly me. It's a great talent, but also one that can make me feel a bit like an outcast. Yes, I can blend in rather easily. Yes, I can fit in. While I'll have some quirks, I'll manage to at least superficially feel like I belong. Sometimes, I will feel like even though I'm different, I can make a difference, and will use my difference to impart a positive change, which is good.

...But even when I do that, all I feel like I've done is made it so that the environment I'm in has been slightly modified as to be more suited for my camouflage, that all I've done is made the ease of casting the illusion better, that instead of making a truly big difference in everyone's lives, all I've done is yet another illusion:
They get happier, because they see what they want to see, and I get happiness from their happiness, but it's all from that illusion. It's not that what they see is actually a true lie. What they see is just a misdirection of my conception, in that it presents aspects of me, generally exaggerated, and hides others.

I mean, on different days I'm different people entirely. In different places, I'm different people entirely. But at my core, there's certain aspects of me that never change. These fundamental truths of me, I keep close to me. And I'm not sure they ever get shown off. Here in the blog where I use minimal filters to my thoughts and try to present as many of them as possible is probably the closest I get. They're protected. As much for others as for me, in that while my core self has plenty of good, there is also a ton of nasty, nasty, very, very, very bad stuff in there. (Can't have good without evil, as I say. I have a ton of good in me, I'm pretty sure, but I know for a fact that there's a LOT of bad in me as well, it's just that I hide it incredibly well from everyone.)

Thus the illusions. They're not just to protect myself, they're also to protect others. The full, unfiltered me? Is not something I'd ever want to live through as an outsider. I do a lot of good. There's a lot of things in my mind that are most likely unique to me, that shouldn't disappear from the world, because of their potential to help others. But a fair number of them exist only because I first dealt with the negative counterpart.

Basically, I feel like that...for the most part, what I am is nearly impossible to define. I'm not having an identity crisis, and if ever there was a time to question my identity, it would be at my age, so I'm not worried. I'm just...a bit disappointed, that when I look at my life, I keep on thinking, "there's nothing there." Not because there isn't--there is. But because when I look at those things in my life, I keep on thinking, "everything in my life that people compliment me on is stuff that I presented to them".

I think the meaning comes across. In short...I look for their approval. I give them what I think they want, hoping that they will be impressed, that they will compliment me. There's nothing that I do just for me, that I actually am proud of. In part because for the most part, I become proud of things by presenting them and getting that praise. There's stuff that I've done that I can be proud of, but everything there I put forward as the illusion, albeit a well-crafted, half-truthful one that takes incredible skill to make. (For instance, when people hear all of my hobbies, they're impressed with how much I do. They don't realize that it is for this very reason that I have so many, that I actually don't do them all consistently, a fact that is kept out of sight by the illusion. I might be a good writer, but I'm not published or even close. I might be a competent artist, but I'm nowhere near consistent. You get the idea.)

People are complex. Me moreso than most. I wish I could say there was a point to this, but the closest thing I've got to one is a desire to just be complimented on ordinary things, and have those compliments be sincere, without me having prompted them. That I could be liked without the illusions I instinctively cast, I suppose.
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I almost had something to say!

2/26/2015

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I had an interesting dream today.

2/25/2015

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It basically involved a Cerise-from-Magick-Chicks-lookalike, who was part of a group of friends, had a falling out with them, and set out for world domination. On an island, she battled with her former-comrades, but was able to actually achieve her objective, which basically submerged the world in water, except on her island which she now held control over, thus sparking a resistance her friends were the head of. It also featured characters under her control, but with one of the more nobler, honorable generals defecting.

It was done in less than 15 minutes, so that's about as much as I can tell you, but all the same, I loved the characters and concept which ended up developing from it.
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February 24th, 2015

2/25/2015

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So my blog post, way past midnight, and nearing 3 AM, is more like a to-do list. See, my internet's down, thus why this blog post is a day late by the time you see it.

Or to put it another way, I had tasks to do still at 2:30 AM, yet my internet had failed, soooooooooo, letting you know that's the reason for the missed blog, which this basically is a blog post of (didn't have much to talk about).

Anyway, things that I need to do are to sign up for my recert for lifeguarding, to play the Kong games for Wednesday (aka, technically today though this writing still considers itself to be on Tuesday), and to finish up the affairs on the mafia site so rudely interrupted--
Mainly, the game I am essentially DMing, a (loosely-speaking) adventure game. Internet went down [i]right[/i] in the middle of making an update for it, annoyingly enough.

Our connection's been glitchy all night, in fact, with the TV spazzing out on us, too. Soyeah, not much of a post, but here it is anyway.
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Past Midnight, Shut Up, I Know XXV

2/24/2015

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Yeah, yeah, I know. Bad habit, but it happens. I thought I'd let you know I half-started a new song today, and it has a funny story, in that I was working, heard a song on The End, but my work has so much noise that I couldn't tell what. It sounded vaguely like a song I knew it couldn't be, but I had no clue what song it was nor what the song it couldn't be that I thought it was actually was. But it sounded cool, so I decided to steal it!

Speaking of which...dysphoria is hardest on me when at work. Something about wearing the T-shirt of a lifeguard just keeps on making my chest feel bare and exposed. It's slightly mitigated by the fact that today, I made a killer ponytail that I was rather proud of nailing on my first try, but still sucks hardcore.

Worth mentioning, my work hours have basically doubled, including tomorrow having the same schedule as Wednesday. Soooooooooo...I basically am going to always get a past-midnight entry in on Tuesdays from now until the next shift, because it's straight from college to work to TKD to home for shows, without a break in-between.
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Past Midnight, Shut Up, I Know XXV

2/23/2015

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Oops. So here I was, at home, thinking, "I have plenty of time!"
To get the badge of the day and play Heroes and then blog and do mafia stuff and schoolwork.

Turns out the badge of the day was extremely addictive a game to play, so here I am, at 3 AM, not having signed into Heroes, my mafia affairs only half-sorted, and my schoolwork, per usual, completely undone.

I was GONNA blog today a bit about the feeling of dysphoria in my chest, and also if I could, fit in some ramblings about music, but they're gonna have to wait, given the time.

(I also should really check to make sure my numbering's correct and this actually is 25. I don't binge-read my own blog that much, nor do I have good memory.)
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Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......

2/21/2015

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Four months.
Four.
Solid.
MONTHS.
I've had a flawless track record with making a minimum of one blog entry a day.
Sometimes more than once, and often times having blog entries that were shorter than you might expect, so not ideally done.

But I did them all the same.

FOUR.
MONTHS.
A four-month track record.
Of steady daily updates, even when I felt like hell, even when I really didn't feel like it, even when I didn't want to make it, I forced myself to anyway and it's been paying off.
Never once have I actually forgotten even though I've gotten scarily close on multiple occasions.

For four.
full.
months.

...AND I JUST THREW THAT ALL DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT TO MAKE ONE YESTERDAY!
I wasn't even feeling that bad, either! Rather the opposite, I was feeling quite awesome. I had the perfect thing to blog about! We watched the original The Seven Samurai for family night. A particularly good highlight is after having watched the movie for a long time, we came to the intermission.

And then, I was the one to make the connection. "Hey. Aren't intermissions usually in the MIDDLE of a movie?" The look of panic in the eyes of the other family members was hilarious, given that we started the movie at nine, expecting it to be a couple hours or so. My brother waved the wiimote (we watched it on Amazon) to show how long the movie was...

...And unanimously, the room broke out in laughter. More than that, though, the film was thoroughly entertaining in general. It's earned its spot as one of the best films of all time. I could see where the anime Samurai 7 got things from, and at the same time see where The Magnificent Seven got things from, by watching the original and seeing them translated.

It was quite the experience. It's just as strong and powerful a movie now as it was then, and I thoroughly recommend it.

...As you can tell, I had this to blog about, the perfect opportunity.

...AND I MISSED IT!

Not happy with myself. Four months of continuous updates, and here I am having just missed it for the first time ever.

I was hoping that I could get a year of steady updates come October, but now the clock's been reset and I'll have to wait until February of 2016 to claim that honor.

Ah, well.
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Past Midnight, Shut Up, I Know XXIV

2/20/2015

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Not really in the mood for a blog post--frankly, I almost forgot that I hadn't made one today at all (thus the past midnight), so I'm certainly not going to write much. I'm mainly writing this for the sake of writing something. I'm not even truly looking up the number.

Butyeah. No content right now. Other than the same ol' stuff. If I felt like it, I could probably list events during the day, but there's nothing I actually feel like talking about. So here I am, about to go to bed.
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Another one of those slow days.

2/18/2015

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The best thing I have from today is to say my computer's being a jerk, wanting to restart in spite of JUST having restarted TWO DAYS AGO. Every month, that I can understand, but two days? It's annoying.

I suppose also worth commenting on is that the phantom pain is still there, rather strongly I might add. My mind knows what it wants my body to be, and my body plays along when it can, but when it can't...yeah.
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I hate my body so much.

2/17/2015

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So this morning, I was feeling so sick to my stomach that I couldn't even eat my breakfast. I didn't know what was going on, but it was the "gut sickness" rather than "cough sickness" type of thing. I considered it maybe being a really strong depression symptom, but later during the day, after a nap and during Tae Kwon Do, I was feeling intensely uncomfortable for the opposite reason, meaning it was definitely the physical side of things, which made me feel better.

...Really says something to my experiences that I prefer the misery of physical illness (albeit of the gut type) to the pain of mental illness. But if you've had depression so strong it ate your appetite away, you'd know why I'm happy. It sucks, but I can still eat, albeit with discomfort.

...Still not particularly pleasant, but good enough!
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    rBree2

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