The day is lost...but there's always tomorrow!
I ended up not having work this morning as I thought. I did of course have my staff meeting this night, and I got just about as much sleep as I would have if I had worked anyway (I took a shower, waited for my hair to dry, then napped, but the time the hair was dry came well after I'd have been done with work), meaning I am extra tired and today was just all-around disappointing in terms of doing things.
The day is lost...but there's always tomorrow!
I mean that's to be expected when you wake up at 6:30 PM and you should get to sleep in 6-8 hours from that time thanks to working the next morning. Still, it's a little disappointing all the same. That's 6-8 hours of nothingness, more or less.
I'm scarily close to just giving up on life altogether. Bits of me I feel like keep slipping away, and I find myself feeling sadness, regret, or in some cases, sadness/regret about not feeling sadness/regret. I'm losing myself even though I need to not do so. Right now I feel I should be strong. I should be a force to be reckoned with. I should be...
...Well. More than what I am.
I've not really been lying about much of anything, but I've been hiding the real truth by my wording such that the intent might as well have been a lie and it's not something I feel I can maintain any longer.
I'm more than depressed.
I'm not suicidal, thank god for that, but I AM as close as I can get without being suicidal.
I haven't job searched for god only knows how long. I say I have because of all the emails I get about jobs, but I don't follow through on them.
I haven't been taking showers regularly.
I haven't changed clothes in weeks, aside from changing in and out of work clothes, but even there I am not changing out of work clothes as often as I should.
I haven't been brushing my teeth regularly, yet alone, flossing.
I have been circulating between sleeping obscenely small and obscenely large amounts of time.
I have been sleeping at odd hours.
I haven't been eating or drinking properly by and large.
I have all-but stopped gaming. I do the badge of the day and I game for my girlfriend's sake, but otherwise I've stopped doing so altogether.
When it comes to mafia, I have shut down all non-vital functions as it were, including apparently things such as kindness and empathy since I find myself hostile when I shouldn't be.
I have stopped doing things that I cherish like updating my wiki and keeping things nice and updated.
I honestly just...am getting progressively bit by bit, worse and worse. I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. And I don't want to lose what I have left. I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I don't want to lose my life. I don't want to lose a bunch of things, but I just.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I need to. I feel like I should be the girl who knows what to do. I feel like I should be striding forth confidently and being in a position of power as it were. I feel like I should know exactly what I need to do, what should be said all the time. And yet. Instead of things getting better and better which they would if I were that person. They are getting worse and worse because I am the antithesis of it.
I'm just. Weak I guess. And I wish I had the strength to be strong, and to help others be strong. Helping others be strong is the area I feel I most shine at. When I am helping others be strong I feel like I am at my strongest. Because that's the role I feel I am best at, at helping others.
Yet right now. I feel like I'm not helping others be strong. I don't feel like I'm doing it and it's just. I wish I could but I feel like I'm not and I don't know how I can and that's even more painful because I feel like I should even though I can't.
I've been trying to not admit this. Mostly because I've felt like admitting it could make things worse. If people feel like they are burdening me, they might be tempted to distance themselves from me, something I absolutely don't want. If people feel like my hardships are in any way their doing they will try to make it not be their doing anymore--yet they would be mistaken to believe it was them causing the hardship.
If people distanced from me in any way as a result of reading this. Then that's the "worse" I was afraid of. Because honestly I'm in the kind of position where I just want to hug others and in turn be hugged by others. I also am slightly afraid of the opposite. Forcing oneself to get CLOSER to me in order to comfort me even if it would make oneself uncomfortable, that is also something I wanted to avoid.
Basically. I've been afraid that by saying this. It could change how people act in regards to me. That they might think they need to get further from me, or that they might think they need to force themselves to get closer in spite of it being grueling for them to do so. And that's what I wanted to avoid, why I've held off from saying it.
Because other people should be doing what is best for them at all times. Not what is best for me. These can overlap and when they do that's great but they should never need to sacrifice what's best for them for the sake of what's best for me, essentially, is why I didn't want to come forward with this.
I might be rambling at this point.
I truly am.
For not being stronger.
For not being more of a decent human being able to help those who suffer.
I wish I could be that person.
But right now I am just...this person in distress with no idea what she's supposed to do.
I wouldn't so much say I forgot, per se, so much as it is I was under the impression for some reason I had already blogged and thus didn't have it in my mind. OH WELL. Not much I can do about it now. Today I have a staff meeting, though honestly I don't want to go.
Staff meetings are actually enjoyable, I just would rather stay at home today because leaving home is a just "uhg" moment, of sorts. But ANYWAY. I didn't come here to blog about that. I came to blog about my dream last night. It involved lots of short skits which I could tell were largely the same cast. Meaning, lots of the same people, doing different things.
These skits involve just fooling around, for the most part, people being people in funny ways, but there was a lore which developed from it. Specifically, these were people who were basically the office workers at a spy organization. Specifically, some worked above ground in their front--a McChevron station with a McDonald's within a Chevron gas station, and some worked below, but all of them were nerdy/geeky type people messing around (and occasionally getting in trouble with their bosses).
Other spies made occasional appearances, but were not the focus of the dream until later where we got to see "average day in the life of a spy" which was basically a cinematic-worthy picture full of action and drama with some ridiculous things thrown in (including the idea of a perfect spy able to completely and entirely take on all aspects appearance/voice-wise of another person), where they were essentially waging all-out open war in the streets, with fully automatic weapons, and yet civilians didn't notice a thing.
It was a really fun dream and that's why I felt like sharing it with you.
Normally it'd be okay to take my time making a proper blog entry.
But given that I'm basically an hour past the time which was my originally-assigned bed time...
...And I work tomorrow...
...Yeah. I should probably not make a detailed blog entry today. Meaning this is it, then bed. Oh well.
At least until next month that is. (Exactly next month in fact.) That means less time for me to slack off. I actually got a fair amount of stuff done today. It was mostly worthless stuff, but it is also something which will hopefully help me get in the groove better.
Basically, I'm not nearly as productive as I want to be, but I'm far more productive than I was before, so...progress!
But I'm okay with that. It was still a good day for me overall. Still will be busy tomorrow, with work and then staff meeting for second work, but that's not a problem. Because after that, I have essentially smooth sailing for a week. I'm gonna have fun. Just...not quite yet.
I mean when you need to go to bed relatively early for work, and you got out of bed at like 5 PM, there's not exactly a lot of time to do stuff. It also doesn't help that I am still going in and out of legit sickness. Not once have I coughed. I'm not even having a runny nose. Most of the time I don't even have a sore throat, but I am at times (mostly, when I wake up and when I go to bed with it disappearing in the middle of the day) having it. My voice hasn't changed, and while I'll occasionally get a stutter in speaking from an unnaturally dry throat, otherwise I'm fine.
Basically it's something which isn't getting worse but hasn't gone away yet, so I do need to carefully monitor that. I'm still recovering in all aspects of my life, really, but slowly yet surely I am getting there.
Yesterday there was a tae kwon do test...and I completely and totally forgot about it. Now, granted. I am still recovering from my shin injury. There was a small bright red spot surrounded by an absolutely gigantic mass of yellow on my leg. Probably wasn't sparring. But especially for higher-rank tests, I pride myself on my attendance rate as a spectator if nothing else and I missed the test for no good reason.
It just completely slipped my mind that October 21st was this Saturday. Which I only realized at work today. Speaking of which...today was the talk, and it went better than I could have ever hoped for. I'll be accommodated: they're still working on the exact verbiage, but they've decided that I won't be required to enter the men's locker room. Everywhere else, yeah, I'll need, so I'm gonna need to double-down on being a proactive lifeguard. To make it a worthy investment.
But that was really good news!
I also messed around with a DBZesque series of attacks, but I have decided those are best saved for another blog.
Blah. Not much in the way of adventures happened today, butstill, I had three adventurous days in the week and I've blogged about none of them. I've mostly even forgotten about Thursday's adventures and Tuesday's are probably dimmer than I'd like. I didn't really waste time per se today (I was doing stuff I needed to be doing), but I didn't use it as productively as I was hoping, either.
And now I'm sleepy and I've got work tomorrow and after work comes a family night which is all kinds of BLAH WHY DOES THIS KIND OF INTERFERENCE GET IN THE WAY OF LIFE. Ah well. I'll manage.
Just your average blogger.