And when talks of energy in our apartment came up, we discovered we quite literally had a monster living under our bed. Or rather, an energy entity that was draining our energy and giving us many negative thoughts. It had come in around September, apparently, and that tracks. That's about when things became more stressful, about the time it became harder to rest/relax, about the time anxieties flared up, about the time thoughts of the past became much worse, about the time my shower thoughts got flooded with negative emotions, etc.

Just a whole bunch of things got worse around then, and now we know why. And with our place cleansed? We're feeling so much better. 

It also gives me an idea of what I maybe need to guard against at my workplace. When I am lifeguarding especially, I am often flooded with thoughts of the past and a lot of negative emotions. It's weirdly only during those times, and largely not around when I'm not lifeguarding, and I feel like there's probably a similar energy/presence hanging around that area which I need to basically tell, "Hey. No. Don't do that."

I'm not really the person with the authority to kick it our or empowered to do so, but what I can do is at least tell it, it doesn't have permission to feed off of me. To go away, that it has nothing to offer me, that I will not accept it, to reject it, etc. I know my building has a lot of harmless ghosts, but there is definitely at least one presence which isn't harmless there, and probably is the reason why my shoulders are in so much agony while lifeguarding and I get bombarded by so many negative thoughts.

Awareness helps create defense and immunity. I had built up pretty good defenses, but while working, those defense mechanisms weren't working, and I feel like I have a good idea why now. With an ability to return to sender and filter out the bad now empowered by recognizing amplification of negative, I can just say, "No. Stop." and hopefully start to improve.

So, hopefully, my strength will continue to get stronger. I already know I am a Breeacon of light. On a spiritual level, quite literally. The amount of light I radiate is immense. (Side-note but a package which should help kels and I a lot just arrived apparently, I'll talk about that in a bit if I remember.) I shine a bright light into the world, and I plan to continue doing so.

For as long as I am alive and okay, I plan to spread joy and positivity.

And...while it might not be useful for everyone, while some find it annoying, or might think them fake, or just out of place, or not bother reading, or so on and so forth? That's okay. That's natural. Not everyone will like everything. What matters is the people it does help. And the people it does help are...quite a lot. I plan to continue to help them, in any way I can, no matter how small. And my skill is in that joy and positivity. It matters, it helps, no matter how small, so I will continue to do it going forward.

And while I don't like that I require the support of friends right now to stay afloat...those friends are making the choice to help support their friend because we need it. And I will continue to try and make it worth it, to continue to improve our situation and give what I can and get to a place where I can reciprocate.

I'm doing pretty good on writing, on the daily check-ins, on the content creation. And on life stuff, we're managing pretty well overall!

So like...just gotta keep going.

I'm optimistic.

Yes, I know. The government as well as their billionaire corporate capitalistic backers and religious extremists want us dead and are empowered next year.

I'm optimistic in our ability to leave them without the power over us they have traditionally held.

To start supporting each other. To cut out the middle-man of corporations and begin directly supporting each other. Local people, as well as friends. Artists, producers of goods, etc. I believe in our ability to build what amounts to a coven, a community. To integrate and network across the world, but to also have spaces together locally.

There's a joke about "not a cult" about similarly-minded individuals, but loosely, the main differences are not having a charismatic leader, not having or even tolerating any form of manipulation, not trying to isolate people, not having any religious doctrine, not having to give up all possessions, etc. Living together and independently of the government without any NEED for many of the things we need individually, with a community pooling resources and dividing labor, but also not having things be unpaid. Loosely speaking.

It's a complex thing and nuanced idea which none of us really have the details of but basically all spiritually-inclined people are wanting and many of our friends despite not being spiritually inclined are on-board with because we are all tired, we are all frustrated, we are all struggling, and we don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way and don't want to rely on the government for fixing these things. And since the government won't help us and corporations won't either...we have to help ourselves.

Now, granted. I will still do my part to make the government be as good as it can be and corporations be held as accountable as they can be--and use all of the resources they offer. But at the same time, as the elite wealthy and the hateful people who think some humans are better than others and some humans aren't even human try to strip those resources, gut them, and try to remove our ability to exist...

...We aren't going to just die.

There's more love in this world than hate.
There's more care in this world than apathy.
There's more support in this world than greed.

And collectively, they are going to allow us to band together, survive, and after widescale socioeconomic changes take place, to thrive.

I know I don't know enough about any of these things to speak about them intelligently, and to yet act on them intelligently.

But I will learn.

We all will.

As the younger generation continues to get more and more frustrated with the struggles of life inflicted on us all, they will get more and more defiant. And creative. And network with likeminded people, who just want to survive.

And as the younger generation gets older, and learns, and begins to gain skills and resources no matter how limited in scope...they are going to not tolerate the oppression and close-mindedness of those who are in power and hold the wealth and want to maintain the status quo.

I believe the future will be brighter. I believe we are headed towards a form of mass-enlightenment. Where people become more open-minded, where people become more empathetic, more attuned, more in-touch with themselves and each other, and communication is emphasized, and connection is encouraged, and people are able to find each other and support each other with greater ease.

It will take time to manifest. And there will be resistance from those who don't want things to change, or want things to change towards how they used to be. But, I believe in our ability to recognize what they are doing. While there's traps, there's pitfalls, to fall into, there's pipelines which can lead to extremism, as a society we are becoming more aware of the tricks being used.

We don't want that fearmongering, that hatemongering, that rage, that fear, that depression, to define our lives.

So we're going to work to make their opposites stronger. That love, trust, and joy, will be so much stronger. Life will always have challenges, but I truly believe the future we are headed towards will be a better one. As much as I feel we're living in the worst timeline, I feel every timeline is headed towards that better future. We have the hardest to actively live in, we have the most challenges and struggles to overcome, we have the most difficulties to tackle.

But despite how we are in the hardest difficulty of life, the hardcore mode of hard modes, I still believe we are heading towards this better world. A world where we're able to exist as we are, be accepted as we are, explore who we are, and just all-around live life as we want to and are meant to overall.

So stay strong. Stay positive. We have a lot of work to do. And it won't be easy. But we have a lot to look forward to, and I am confident that if we keep our joy, keep our positivity, keep our empathy, our love, keep connecting, keep networking, keep learning, and keep putting action in...we'll still get to the future we want.

​Much love. <3

And lemme tell you, I have a lot of things on my mind. Too many to fit into a blog, but I'm going to at least try my best.

I figure I should start off by saying life is a huge mixed bag.

I'm now married to the love of my life, Kelsey Marie Lewis, and they can now use that name.

December 3rd, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of kels proposing to me.
December 4th, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of us securing a place to live by signing the lease agreement for our apartment.

...And today? December 5th, 2023 and going into December 6th 2023 was the day I lost 90% of my friends, including two I was deeply in love with, beyond platonically. Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable mentioning publicly what I previously only hinted at except in DMs, since I was too afraid to talk about it publicly. The two closest friends I had, who were ride-or-die friends, who I was going to their wedding? I didn't just platonically love them. I loved loved them. Not as much as I love kels, but still more than my platonic friends.

Even a year later, it's hard for me to confess this, especially since it's hard to explain. I'm always afraid that in attempting to explain, I will end up in some way implying my feelings for kels are somehow lesser, or that I will hurt friends with my explanation of love, or something like that. Finding the right words for it is something I don't think I will ever be able to do, but I feel there is enough a level of trust and ability to communicate that I can at least attempt an attempt at explaining.

Basically, I feel like kels is my soulmate, my other half, my partner across most or even all lifetimes. The vow we made to each other in this lifetime is "together, forever, for the rest of eternity". And every day, I find new ways to fall in love with them. The love I have for them deepens every day, even a year later. It seems impossible, but every day I am wowed by them, I am enamored by them, I am fascinated by them, they bring me joy, they make me laugh, they make me happy, and they compliment me. They understand me, they get me, they are bonded to me, they are connected to me, they know me, and they pair well with me. We never fight, not truly (despite a few close calls), and they also drive me to do things I never would on my own.

Despite this, love is what I am, who I am. I love the world, and all the people in it, and the more I know people the more I love them--and this love can and does go deeper than platonically for some. My love of kels is greater than my love of anyone else, but I have always been honest in that I can and do still catch at least some feelings for others. I don't want kels to ever think they are holding me back or anything of the sort, so using this wording isn't the best, but for lack of better wording, I choose my vow to kels, to be with them and nobody else in this lifetime, above any feelings for others.

I think the healthiest approach is to recognize, yes, those feelings exist, and yes, those feelings are real, but also that I have no obligation to act on them, and I lose nothing by choosing not to. I already have my life partner. I already have the love of my life. In terms of love, I need no further romantic partner. While the theoretical ability to have more exists (I fully support polyamory and previously was in a polyamorous relationship), I have made the conscious and deliberate decision to devote myself entirely to the love of my life. Kels is my greatest treasure, and the best part of my life. Romantically, that is all I will ever need. So as long as we are both alive, in this life, we are wives, with total dedication to each other.

So I can recognize feelings without pursuing them because the people I have those feelings for? There's no real tangible difference between living as friends and living as partners with them. I already have the best possible relationship with them, as friends, in my mind, if that makes sense. I don't need more. I have everything I can realistically handle or could ever want.

I don't want more romantic relationships. I want kels. And only kels. The feelings I have for others might be real, but so too is my devotion, my dedication, my desire, for kels and kels alone, above all others. The love of my life is more than enough for me. I'm eternally blessed and some small part of me will always feel like I married out of my league with how amazing, incredible, and awesome kels is. I could never want more than that, I could never want to pursue more than that, because they are and always will be the most fulfilling part of my life, a blessing I will never take for granted.

I probably will at some point make a follow-through blog better explaining this concept, but I think you get the idea. I get feelings for others, but my love for kels eclipses them all.

With that tangent addressed, a lot of the friends I lost one year ago, I had more than platonic feelings for. It wasn't just the two closest friends who I had romantic feelings for. It was a lot of those friends. To various degrees, I loved them, with the love of the two closest friends at some points nearly equaling my love of kels. (Nearly. kels was always a greater love.)

That can probably give a lot of context for why I handled events last year so poorly. The proof is everywhere. In my blog, in my DMs, in my twitch chat messages, etc. I was trying not to lose the people I loved. That I had hurt them so deeply and badly drove me to nearly kill myself, multiple times.

I don't want that to justify or excuse my behavior. While I can, thanks to healing, say with full confidence I did far less wrong/harm than these people think, that I made far fewer mistakes than they believe I did, that a lot more is on their end than they realize...I never want to go down the delusional rabbit hole of pinning all the blame on anyone/everyone except me. I did do wrong, and I did do harm. The cause being rooted in my love may make it more understandable, but it should not be used to dismiss the harm, to forgive it, to forget it, etc.

Now as a reminder. The loss of my friends exactly one year ago was triggered due to a streamer I have grown to believe is genuinely problematic (but not a monster), and particularly the two ex-friends who I believe are willing and deliberate accomplices to the problematic streamer. My feelings there are complex and nuanced and fluid, but loosely, I feel these are both true.

The problematic streamer is problematic;
The problematic streamer is a good person, and not a monster.
The ex-friends are willing accomplices who acted with malice towards me and kels;
The ex-friends are still good people.

How those can be reconciled is something I think many people will struggle with, and it took me the better part of this year to do that. But basically, the problematic streamer is not a complete monster. Few people are. Especially not the problematic streamer. I believe the problematic streamer genuinely problematic, but in ways that could go either way. If left unchecked, if left to fester, if leaned into, the problematic traits could get worse and eventually radicalize the problematic streamer to be more monstrous. But if recognized, addressed, and healthily dealt with, the problematic streamer could atone, try to change, and genuinely become unproblematic.

Similarly so for the ex-friends.

Having been the victim of cancelation, I could never wish that fate on almost anyone. Not even the problematic streamer, not even the ex-friends. What I went through, I don't want them to go through. But what I do hope happens down the line is them being held accountable. For the harm they caused, for the damage they did, to be recognized, and for them to face their uglier side, and rather than lean into it, to try and move away.

I wouldn't want people to reject them, or even to truly punish them on any longterm basis. I don't want them punished. I don't want them to have their lives crumble. I don't want them to suffer, or face losses. While I want what they did and the damage it caused to be known and recognized, I don't want it to ruin their lives, or ostracize them. They don't deserve that, because I will stand by them being good people.

I know it's hard to recognize how people are multi-faceted, and how they can be great humans in many ways but total pieces of shit in other ways. But having gone through the process of being ostracized, of being cast out, of nobody listening to me, or even giving me a chance? I would never wish that on another good human, and most humans are good. Or at least "good enough".

I will still offer this reminder though. Kels was a potential whistleblower on exposing the problematic streamer's problematic nature. When the problematic streamer found out, they abused their authority, their influence, to reverse victim and abuser, gaslight people and lie about their relationship with kels, to portray kels as malicious and shut down any ability for kels to share what they knew. That campaign of misinformation was so successful, it left kels gaslit into genuinely believing they were problematic, and almost caused kels to take their own life. I was the one and only person who was there for kels when kels needed it most, so I quite literally saved their life.

The decision to continually associate with kels and choose them over the problematic streamer led to the ex-friends turning against me. Now, I do want to reiterate, kels and I are not blameless. I recognize a lot of the things kels did were, despite human and understandable, flawed and carried some harm. And I also made mistakes in this area. I demonized myself in a very harmful way that hurt others, and was very argumentative in an unproductive, destructive way that did nothing but further harm everyone involved.

But the ex-friends did know basically everything we know about the problematic streamer--and chose their friendship with the problematic streamer over their friendship with kels, over their friendship with me, and over doing the right thing in exposing the ways the problematic streamer is problematic. Whatever harm the problematic streamer causes or is revealed to cause down the line? It could have been stopped and exposed in 2023 if not for the ex-friends choosing the problematic streamer over kels.

So when the problematic streamer is eventually revealed as problematic, I do want people to remember that and know exactly why I feel the ex-friends are the problematic streamer's accomplices. They knew, but chose to deliberately and intentionally spread misinformation, as well as a continuous campaign against kels and myself. Including a year ago, choosing to drive a wedge between my friends and me by drawing my friends' attention to my part in all of this, one year ago.

Technically, this isn't explicitly confirmed to have happened. But one friend in particular holds the key. If you asked her to be honest, and asked her who exactly directed her to a months-old blog when nobody was reading my blog, she would probably confirm it explicitly. And if you asked all of the people who reported me who encouraged them to report me, similarly so. It would all trace back, at the roots, to the ex-friends, who continuously had a campaign of misinformation targeting kels and I.

I can recognize the ex-friends did have reason to believe kels was legitimately guilty of something entirely separate from the problematic streamer. They got a report of kels having done something that would be cancel-worthy separate from anything...if it was actually true. And usually, we are taught to believe the people coming forward about things like this. But kels is innocent of that thing, and depending on the accuser would likely be able to prove their innocence, or at least have people vouch for the character of kels / the LACK of character from the accuser. (We've narrowed it down to one of two people, both of which are chronic false accusers. When I say I have good reason to believe kels's innocence despite us normally being told to believe accusers, it's because I have very good reason to believe the accusation is false and kels is innocent.)

​However, no matter how much those ex-friends may have believed kels guilty of something cancel-worthy, that will never justify them willingly spreading what they knew to be misinformation, deliberately trying to (and by and large, succeeding in) gaslighting people, lying, and spreading this misinformation as if it were infallible fact, behind closed doors. They spread the guilt of kels and I, to everyone they knew were close to us, encouraging the poison of doubt, mistrust, and second-guessing of character.

They planted the idea that my genuine love and affection was lovebombing, that my devotion and support was malicious, that I was manipulative rather than just a kind, caring, supportive person. They did this, presumably out of some form of jealousy, or envy, or just because they could. Who knows. But it sure wasn't to protect themselves. It sure wasn't out of concern of my character. They went out of their way to deliberately find the worst aspects of me and portray those aspects of me as if they were indicative of my true character, and planted the seeds of doubt in the communities I was in.

They knew who I was, that I was the kind, caring, loving friend I always appeared to be, and willingly and deliberately perpetrated the lie, the misinformation, of me being malicious.

​And that all started one year ago, to the day.

And it worked, by and large.

In the last year, I have lost 90% of the people I once called friend. All due to that misinformation campaign, launched one year ago.

So there's a great deal of mixed emotions, about all the negative from the loss I suffered. In the blogs throughout December 2023, January, June, and July 2024, you can see the evidence of just how bad I got. How low I felt. How suicidal I became. How I genuinely came close to killing myself due to the loss of people I loved, deeply, and the loss of communities I considered my second family, my found family.

...But at the same time? There is also a great deal of positives. The callout of my then-closest-friend who I loved might have deeply hurt, but it led to an incredible amount of growth. A lot of my healing over the last year has been in recognizing I was always a good person, I was always a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving girl, who was supportive with time and words and heavily invested in my friends and community. But that doesn't mean I was flawless.

I was largely closed off. Opening up over the last year has been liberating.
I was less aware of the nuances, the multi-faceted nature of things, less able to see things outside of black-and-white, less able to recognize the good in most people, less supportive, less caring, less invested, than I am now. I was good, but I have become better at those things in the last year.

I was always critical of myself, but I have become much better at realistically targeting and honing in on the productive, healthy critiques, to have a more honest outlook on myself. One where I wasn't overly critical of myself, but also not glossing over any issues.

I have become better at recognizing how to acknowledge the world has bad while also how to better focus on boosting the good.

I have become better at being there for friends and all my loved ones.

I've become better at rebuilding bridges and talking with more nuance and diplomacy.

I have become more able to make my friends feel joy.

Last year, I had the vow of spreading joy and positivity--and I have succeeded at that resolution magnificently so.

There's improvements still to make, and there always will be.

But I am more healthily tackling just about everything, more realistically handling everything, with higher intuition, higher recognition, higher perspective.

And I now have friends who I know are actually ride-or-die. They proved it, by sticking by me, when even the friends who believed themselves ride-or-die with me ended up not actually riding with me. Again, I don't want to put any blame on them for it. There were good reasons to be hurt by me. I hadn't yet realized the problematic streamer was problematic, I hadn't yet realized the malice of the ex-friends being accomplices, I blamed myself for everything, I demonized myself, and I said very hurtful harmful things that made it easier to believe I had been involved in something malicious and had no regrets.

​Believing the manipulations of manipulators who launched a very convincing misinformation campaign, especially one fueled by my own self-gaslighting when I genuinely believed myself problematic, isn't something I can ever blame them for. I've become more okay with criticizing them, and can feel comfortable giving the criticism that despite viewing me as a ride-or-die they didn't ride with me. They didn't ask me to explain. They didn't ask for my perspective. They didn't take my side. They were so willing to believe the things they were told about me.

They didn't talk to me. They didn't try to. One friend made a paltry attempt once, but they didn't communicate with me. They didn't talk with me. As much as they criticized me for not being open with them, they weren't open with *me* because they weren't willing to fight for me, they weren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, they weren't willing to trust that the friend they had known for years was exactly the friend they knew.

Instead, they instantly believed everything wrong about me was to be taken at face value. They had no doubts. They had no hesitation. They took action against me before talking to me. As people who thought I was ride-or-die. They thought I was ride-or-die, but they didn't act like I was a ride-or-die. And I know this because my actual ride-or-dies *DID*. 

My actual ride-or-die friends did everything the friends I loved didn't. It wasn't until they did that I was able to face the hard truth of how, despite how much I wanted them to be flawless, the friends I loved had failed me and hadn't lived up to being ride-or-die friends. Because my ride-or-die friends? They reached out to me. They heard me out. They heard my perspective. They heard our side. They listened. And they stood by me. They gave support. They trusted in the friend they always knew. They trusted that the kind, caring, compassionate person they knew who loved and supported them with time and words? Was who I am.

I had dozens upon dozens of friends, many close, many who I quite literally loved, beyond platonically.

Of them, only about a dozen or so stayed. And they are my ride-or-die friends, who I will always do everything for, because they did everything for me in my time of need, when nobody else would. Even the friends who believed I was a ride-or-die. They thought it but failed to show it with their actions. The friends who stayed, did. They gave spaces for kels and I to exist, to talk, to vibe, when we were in desperate need of friends.

​That is a memory for the last year I will always remember, and cherish.

This last year has shown me just how much I am loved, cherished, and appreciated, by all of my loved ones. And my ability to reciprocate, to pay it back, has only grown. My ability to help, to express the joy and positivity I promised to bring, has only gotten better and better.

I have met more and more of my life goals, and helped other loved ones meet theirs.

I've helped heal any who I can help heal, I've mended any damaged relationships I can, and have become the Breeacon of light I have vowed to Breecome.

All of that outweighs the loss.

But at the same time.

Despite how much has gone good, has gone right, for me, there are a lot of issues.

My apartment is illegally charging me $300 extra per month, and I cannot pay that. Even with the old rate on rent, I was bleeding money slowly; now it's an outright hemorrhage and as of today I am $1200 short on rent alone.

kels hasn't yet gotten a longterm form of income off the ground. This month, we're going to work on that, but due to the holidays and stressors of last month, it hasn't YET happened.

I'm facing another illegal charge from a company sending Collections after me, and I cannot afford the $105 / month they want.

My car, despite surviving, is damaged, and I can't really afford to repair it.

My workplace has a boss who I believe is ill-suited for the position they are in. They were hired for a position they were well-suited for, but then forcefully promoted to a position they aren't suited for. They aren't as good for lifeguards as they are for swim instructors as they were a swim instructor hired to be a boss of swim instructors, they are rigid rather than flexible and not accommodating, they insist on corporate bullshit rather than just showing the understanding and awareness to handle things with care. They value rules over employees, despite being well aware of how ridiculous and unrealistic some of those rules are. The well-being of employees takes a back seat to rules and regulations for them. I don't think they are a bad superior in principle. I just don't think they are qualified for the superior position they were put in, in terms of personality. No matter their qualifications on paper, the insistence on doing things in a way despite employees not wanting to do it the way the superior wants to is detrimental to the staff and a hallmark of poor management.

And this is taxing to me. My wife believes my boss wants me to quit, that my boss is targeting me, because of these. I don't believe that. I don't believe there is any kind of annoyance, malice, intent, etc., there, to try and pressure me into quitting or making a mistake that gets me fired. But I do believe the fact my wife thinks these things is evidence of their incompetence in the position. I don't think they are a bad boss on principle, but I do think they are a bad boss for all of aquatics to adhere to, and that they were promoted outside their area of comfort to a position they have not yet adjusted to despite having the better part of a full year to.

I'm making less at work, and while the increase in freedom is liberating and healthy, it is taxing during a time of financial hardship.

It comes back to the same old same old, only magnified moreso now.

I'm mostly good in life, just finances are...leaving me stressed.

I've become very good at spreading a positive outlook, despite hardships we all know are coming.

But at the same time, I'm struggling right now. There's frustration, stress, anxiety, and also, a feeling of hopelessness, of dread, of sadness, and a great deal of depression. I have concepts of a plan on what to do, but I don't know what to do.

There's likely a ton more I'm forgetting. But like. I'm back from vacation. It was good, but there was a toll. My car is more damaged, finances I currently don't know what to do, but, I am alive. We will survive. We'll find a way. I'm sick, but recovering. And while there's a lot to get done, I have faith. Somehow, we will find a way.

I have a lot of love to give, and I feel I will give it to others still going forward.

So, despite life's challenges, together, let's keep going. We can do it. We'll get through the rough patches. The lives we want to live might be unrealistic now, but with work they become attainable, and we can live them if we adjust. Creativity and love can carry us through. Support, network, stay safe, and stay strong. We got this. <3

There's a lot that I've wanted to blog about, but I've never found the time to talk about it.

I think that the top topic that I want to cover right now though is basically a focus on my life right now.

At the moment, I am feeling depressed, and like I'm not doing anything.

I've been suffering from insomnia, causing me to be unable to rest, and I've been restless, making it harder for me to continuously just live in the moment and cuddle with kels. I WANT to cuddle with them, spend time with them, and just give them all of the love and support and time and energy in my day, but I just have a level of...unease, anxiety, discomfort, inability to just...rest. I wish I could cuddle and rest until I fell asleep to nap and get some of that rest that I lose to the insomnia.

I want cuddling with my love to cause me to fall into a place of such great comfort that I fall asleep and can just be there for them.

And like...normally, I can!
Normally, it does!

My current inability to is a new thing for the last few days, and it's frustrating me. I feel like I'm failing them, I feel like I'm not getting the rest I myself need and thus am failing myself, I don't know WHY the insomnia and inability to fall back into the comfort cuddles is there, because it SHOULDN'T be. It hasn't been nor should it be. So I don't know what changed.

Related, I have also been feeling a depression. That all I do, it feels like, is work, stream once or twice a week, then sleep. I don't feel like I'm doing anything except working my job then resting. I don't feel like I'm doing enough, and that feeds a depression.

But...all of this doesn't feel like any of it is the cause, it feels like it's all a symptom of something. Or rather one of these might be the cause with the others as the symptoms, but, you get the idea. There's an issue, that is causing many related problems, and it is leaving me feeling like I am not doing enough, that I am failing myself by not getting rest, but also that I am failing others by not being there for them. I'm both feeling like I'm stretched too thin but also that I'm not branched out enough, that I'm wasting my free time while also feeling like I have none.

And like...all of the things to help, feel like they are only temporarily helping me, before I fall into the same patterns having forgotten the help I got.

Which is all kinds of frustrating because I don't want to be stuck.

Objectively, I know that I'm not neglecting my love or my friends.
Objectively, I know I am making progress on doing the things I want to be doing. (More on that below.)
Objectively, I know that I need to take whatever downtime I need, so if I were to spend all day in bed not doing any work whatsoever, it's because I needed that rest.

...But, just because I objectively know that, doesn't mean I subjectively feel that.

Subjectively, I feel like I'm not doing enough.

Yeah, I know better than to take on too many things.

But I also know that I have ambitions and I won't progress them if I don't work on them.

Nobody is going to work on my novel if I don't, after all.

And...

...I thought about the five things I most want to focus on in my life, the five things I don't want to give up.

My wife, my love, my greatest treasure, Kelsey Marie Cousins, is the one I want above all others, above all else. They are always my top priority and the most important thing in my life.

My friends/family are who I most want to have beyond my love. Just vibing with them, in any shape or form, is something I never want to give up on. By extension, I'm rolling my content creation into this (which, kinda a cheat, as you can argue content creation would be a separate thing, but, my list my rules), specifically because while my content creation might have viewers, 80% of my content is made to entertain and provide good vibes for my friends (and potentially, family). Like, I might have nonfriends who pop into my streams, but almost every single person in my streams is a friend, and they are there to soak up the good vibes, and I want to always give them that.

My writing is a third thing I want to prioritize. My spirit team is very very very strong pushing me to pursue my creativity, and it's focused on my writing and a new endeavor I really want to pursue. Particularly my novel, but also to do more poetry.

My art is something that I also want to get into--not just for content creation. Just for art.

And then there's a new calling--a calling to music. My spirit team is also pushing me towards music. Composing music, writing songs, doing covers...all of it. I have no knowledge basis here...so I would need to teach myself...but I want to do it, and feel drawn to it despite the challenges.


Everything else is a "release as they no longer serve me".
Things not listed are all extra. And I don't want to let go of them--for instance, this blog.
But...they're not my top priority.

At least not right now.

I want to overcome my fears, of finances, of failures. My anxieties, my depression.

And to manifest my dream.

I think I can dream big, and make it big.

I just need to manifest it by putting in the work, bit by bit.

...But I can't catch a break in life it seems.

kels and I were on the upswing.

I was being left busy, but not entirely burnt out. I was left tired, but fulfilled. I was doing things.

I have a good schedule for me.
kels has a job.

We've been looking to a brighter future.

I've been releasing TikToks almost every day, which have been performing bafflingly well--I expect about half a dozen to a dozen views, at most. I'm nothing remarkable, I expect zero visibility. Yet I'm getting hundreds of views. Not thousands, but hundreds. People are seeing my videos. I consider that a remarkable level of success, all things considered.

I'm making the content I want to be.

I got my Patreon off the ground, and am releasing content for it.

I've been streaming regularly and been doing great.

I've done fantastic, with everything going right.

Everything...except for one thing.

...we're at minimum $400 short for bills this month. Potentially, double to triple that. Realistically, we need $800 - $1200 to pay all of our bills.

And we need to pay them at the beginning of October.

It's September 26th.

October is one week away.

...How could we possibly get $1000 in one week???

Like...I have been listening as much as I can to my guides, of not pushing myself too much. I've ignore thoughts of "I'm moving too slow", because I've been accomplishing plenty! I made a new twitch emote, I updated a few more on both my twitch and my discord.

I've been creating content. Not high-quality content, but been creating it all the same.

I haven't been doing everything I want (this blog is included)...but I have been doing MOST of what I want.

And I feel like I have momentum!

I feel like I have a good start.

I don't want to obsess over numbers, but the numbers are actually encouraging. I'm getting ad revenue from Twitch. I've gotten really good at getting at least some amount of work done. My discord is nearly complete, with all the work I have done on it. My Twitch is getting improvement every day I work on it. My TikTok has momentum, despite my lack of quality. My YouTube is admittedly kinda dead, because all I've been doing is uploading raw unedited vods, but creating content for my Patreon and beginning to make some for my Ko-fi is a great beginning.

I know I'm not pursuing everything I want, but I am pursuing a great deal of what I want.

I'm doing, to the best of my ability, exactly what my guides are pushing me to do: content creation. TikTok videos and streams.

I know they also want me to write, and on that front I've struggled to make the time admittedly.
I think they also want me to make music and/or some of my more ambitious ideas like video games (I actually made the complete concept for an entire Danganronpa-style Visual Novel Horror/Puzzle/Mystery game with nine characters), but those do require some skills I need to build up to actually make.

I know one area they consistently do is "It's okay to ask for help", and that's one area I'm somewhat lacking in. I've asked for help, but probably not in the ways they want me to.

But still! It feels like if before 40 - 90% of the groundwork was there, now it's 60 - 99%. I'm so close to having my dreams all come true.

Kels is working, I have the groundwork for secondary income, my job isn't sucking my soul and is giving consistent, reasonable hours. We have everything we need going into October...

...Except the money to pay for rent, utilities, and groceries.

I was expecting to get paid on Friday with the amount needed to make rent.

I got paid on Tuesday with ~$400 less than anticipated.

And that's...the minimum amount we're short by.

$400 would get us within striking range of paying rent. Throw in a few extra hundred for utilities and then another hundred or two for gas and groceries, and that's the $800 - $1200 we're short by.

And we're not getting money.

So I'm just...kinda at a loss.

I was so sure that we had ~$1000 in the bank already, and that the paycheck would bring us up to ~$2000. Just enough to potentially scrape by. (All expenses in a month are ~$2500 give or take a couple hundred or so.)

...We have half that.

And I just...don't know what to do.

I'm already doing everything I can think of.

I know there's potential blood/plasma donations, if I can get my blood typed, but I don't know how to get that.

I'm investigating if I can become a driver for those services which involve driving around for food/items/etc.

Which would technically be a third job if content creation counts as a second job for me.

We technically can use a food bank, although the food they give is often 75% expired, usually by weeks.

And like...I don't know what to do.

How do I get $1000+ in one week? With it not having consequences down the line?

I know hundreds of people. I talk to dozens of them regularly. I'm well-networked. But I don't know how to use that network. I don't know how to have all the people I know be given ways to reliably support me, and quickly.

I don't have any ideas.

And I'm feeling pretty defeated.

I was already struggling with depression for the last week or so. Depression has been dragging me down.
But when I got the bad news back that I didn't have nearly the amount ready for the end of the month I thought I did...
...I've been left pretty broken.

I don't know what to do.

I need help.

I want to help myself, because it feels like if I don't help myself then nobody will actually help me. I have to put the work in. But...I don't know what to put the work in for. I just need...a little bit of a boost. And I'm not sure how to get it, but if I don't...then I don't know how we're going to make it.

We're so close.
We're so close.

We can't give it up.
We can't give up.
We have to get through this rough patch.

I can feel it. The breakthrough. The pursuit of life and happiness.
We're so close to having it all, where I am pursuing my dreams of making a living as a content creator.

I have good ideas, and they are close to being made real.

I just...need a small push in the right direction, a small bit of luck, a small bit of good fortune, a small amount of support.

I know I can do what I want to do before the end of the year.

But I don't have the ability to do it all right now, despite the need for it.

So like...I need help. I don't know what help. I need some of it tho. Because we're not well-off. And I'm sick and tired of not being well-off, of all the frustrations of not being able to live life fully.

I mentioned last time I blogged how I don't like rehashing what happened last year ad nauseum, don't like repeating it, don't like focusing on it to a detrimental amount, etc. You get the idea. It can sometimes be hard to believe that I legitimately am working on moving on given how it seems most of my blogs as of late have been revisiting the subject. But, something did happen which made me want to talk about it some more.

Last time, I mentioned that one of the reasons I considered going public was essentially for the benefit of a good friend. I didn't want that good friend to become a victim--they're also good friends with the problematic streamer. They might have called me a good friend, but the entire time, they were also good friends with the person I believe to be problematic. And I didn't want them to get hurt by that streamer.

I considered warning them about that streamer, as well as the ex-friends.
I even wrote a draft of what it'd be. Something along the lines of,
"Not an unban request because I know you won't believe me right now, more of a warning to your future self.

"Please do not let (problematic streamer), (ex-friend), (ex-friend's partner), or anyone tied to them gaslight you about anything you personally experienced. Never let them rewrite events, or put doubt into your mind.

"Never accept fault or blame yourself for anything relating to them.

"Never villainize yourself. Never think you are the problem, never believe you are to blame.  Never let them convince you things you know happened one way, happened the way they tell you it did.

"Do not let them emotionally manipulate you, especially not with anything regarding harm caused. Don’t accept being told you know what you did wrong, or that you have caused unacceptable harm to the community or loved ones.

"Trust your instincts. Not your brain or your feelings of what you want to be true. You will always want to believe everyone involved is a good person except yourself, and will be naturally inclined to blame yourself.

"Ignore those negative thoughts and, focusing on just your INSTINCTS, recall events with as much clarity as you possibly can. Not taking the accounts of others in. Just your own memory, as pure as can be.

"You will doubt it. Over and over. But try your best to listen and be honest. 

"And just know, if you ever fear that nobody will believe you...WE WILL. You will always have at least two who will listen and be on your side and believe your perspective and what you say.

"I know current you probably won’t know WTF this is about. And I mean it; I truly hope you never need to understand why I would send this to you. But this is for any future you, to hopefully remember if it does come to pass and you do need help. Best of wishes regardless of what your future holds."

I considered sending it to them, even if not going public. All because I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want them to be a victim. I don't want them to end up like kels and I did. I don't want them to be traumatized. I don't want them to be villainized. I don't want them to end up broken, shattered, defenseless, hopeless, feeling used, taken advantage of, abused. I don't want them to have to suffer like that. And given what I know about the problematic person, there is a very real, reasonably high chance, they are at a high risk of having exactly that happen.

I wanted to, for lack of a better term, "save" them, save them from the abuse before the abuse would happen, as it were.

A big reason for wanting to go public was for the chance it would be saving them, protecting them from harm, before the harm actually happened. And I wanted to warn them for the same reason. They called me a good friend at one point, and the feeling is mutual. I care about them. I worried about them, and still would worry about them if not for my guides essentially going "let it go. Stop worrying. You can't do anything. It's their battle to fight, their lesson to learn", essentially.

Every time I asked what would happen if I went public, the answer from my guides was overwhelmingly positive, because we likely would be believed and supported after we challenged the narrative the masses were fed and believed blindly. We have proof, we have evidence, of our innocence, or at least of not being guilty in the way we are thought, of the intentions behind our actions, etc. You get the idea. And it would do a lot of good, and prevent any potential future harm, especially to my good friend who is at risk.

...But ultimately, for numerous reasons, I decided it would be better to move on, and I promise we will be moving on largely, probably after this blog for good. This will probably not be the very last blog I ever write on the subject, because as I unpack thoughts I feel it's healthy for me to express them. Still, this will be one of the last blogs, and likely the last blog in a long while, on the subject of the problematic streamer and what went down last year.

Because we are moving on.

I did also ask if I should deliver the warning to that friend, privately, the only way I could. The answer was consistently "maybe, but only if it's for the right reason; what are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?", essentially. And, yeah, what I want to do is to protect a good friend from trauma and harm they shouldn't need to suffer through. They've already survived so much, so I don't want them to have to suffer more through yet another toxic relationship.

...But a large part of me told me that it's their battle to fight. Their lesson to learn. Their path to heal from. Their journey to undergo. And that they don't want my help. And that my help wouldn't do much if any good. They'd have my advice if they ever recognized they need it, but they might not recognize they need it, and would likely never have much use for it. By the time they would know they need it, they wouldn't need it. I know that sounds silly, but no, really. By the time they would need the warning, they no longer would need the warning. By the time they would believe the warning, they would have already overcome the need for the warning because the inherent ability to recognize the situation would mean no need for a warning about the situation. Either they wouldn't believe the warning because of not recognizing it or they wouldn't need the warning because they do recognize it.

...So, accepting that helped me move on a lot from the idea of going public, or warning people in general.

I feel like it is their lesson to learn. Back when I was still at my peak levels of despair, in December, January, and February? The message from my guides was always crystal clear. "It's their lesson to learn, not yours." That I had already learned and grown from my mistakes. The people who cut me out were the ones who would need to learn at that point.

And...it remains true. The people who cut me out because of the misinformation campaign against us, the people who cut me out because they believed I am a threat to communities? They're going to learn the hard way they cut the wrong people out and the actual threat is still there, poisoning the well to this day.

And that's what inspired my blog about the subject today.

Because I got the best proof of this recently.

​In the community of a cross-pollinated streamer who is close friends with the problematic streamer, there's a 90-95% community overlap. That community and the community of the problematic streamer are a Venn Diagram that's nearly a circle. There's some only in one half, but 90+% are in both. So what happens in this streamer's community is representative of the community of the problematic streamer, too. Especially since the problematic streamer regularly talks to the streamer this community is about.

I'm no longer in the community myself...but as it turns out, people still want to talk to me about that community.

​Even if they don't know the circumstances behind why I'm no longer there.

I recently had a conversation with someone who has absolutely no idea the circumstances for why I'm not in that community anymore...and despite them having NO IDEA, they STILL came to ME to talk about issues they were seeing. Issues that validate what I've been talking about.

They managed to intuit out that some of the people in this alleged safe space chat weren't good people. They had NO IDEA. They had no idea what I went through. They had no clue. They were afraid to namedrop the streamer, afraid to speak badly about that streamer and their community, because they thought I still thought fondly of them. They were afraid of souring *MY* opinion of the community, not realizing if anything it'd be the other way around.

They, completely separately from me, detected problems I had known about. Without any context, without any knowledge, they correctly picked up on toxic poison being spread, of gaslighting being done. They somehow knew that certain people were gaslighting others, without any prior bias, without any prior context. They couldn't have known. They deliberately avoid knowing that kind of thing for their own mental health. Yet somehow, despite deliberately avoiding it, they managed to pick up on that poisoning of the well, that poisoning of the community.

They knew, and became disillusioned. Without any knowledge of what happened to me. I've had multiple friends from that community who have become disillusioned with it. They mention all of the problems they had, and they had these problems before what happened to me, made worse and confirmed by what happened to me. But it's not just close friends who knew what happened to me. It's not people who were biased.

This is someone who had no idea what happened to me, who loved the community, and was baffled, confused, by the change, wondering if they were the problem. If the community had stagnated while they outgrew it, essentially. They found what the issue was, without knowing it. They said "I think it's my own feels", they said "it's surely nothing and I'm overthinking"...

...Except they aren't. They're right. They weren't even trying to identify the problem, they specifically were just trying to vibe as they always did, yet instinctively, they felt it. The change in the community vibes, because of the poisoned well. A well which got poisoned because of the problematic streamer and the minions of the problematic streamer who are our ex-friends. And the mistrust, the paranoia, the lack of understanding, etc., all which entailed from following their lead.

It affected an entire community, and they are still feeling the effects, getting worse with time. The source of the poison is still there, after all. Innocent, perfectly harmless actions, are now being viewed with suspicion and doubt, paranoia and mistrust. Actions which used to be people trying to connect with each other, converse with each other, are now seen as something that raises red flags in the minds of those who have been poisoned.

Friendships which lasted years, undone by that poison. By that effort to divide, sow the seeds of mistrust, to paint harmless actions as sinister. Innocent things meant to bond and to form a community are now in that community being perceived as malicious acts that warrant being tense about. That paranoia, that suspicion, is there. People are feeling a need to defend themselves, in ways they didn't used to feel the need to defend themselves.

And that is the poison which is spreading. Keep in mind, this is a community well-versed in internet safety. All of us thought we were staying safe and did fairly good jobs at it previously. Yet thanks to the poison...what was previously safe and a good job is seen as not enough protection. Walls go up. Divides are formed. The connection isn't being formed as it used to. All due to the community well being poisoned, and the poison not being removed.

​Again. The source of this is from someone who had no idea I already knew from first-hand experience. This is from someone who didn't know I was a victim. This is from someone who had no idea what had happened to me. And this person still managed to identify the exact problem, without trying to!

So, that leaves me thinking...

...My guess of this all resolving in or before 2026?

...I'm beginning to think that was a hugely conservative estimate.

The poison spreading this quickly and rampantly? To where someone completely unrelated can intuitively tell​ about it without trying? It's going to lead to people realizing what the problem was. Eventually. They are going to learn what caused them to change for the worse. And it's going to happen sooner rather than later. They are going to learn what burned them, and they are going to do digging into the root cause.

I think the community will bounce back from it eventually--but the damage will have been done. Many who leave in this process likely won't return. Myself among them. As much as that community once meant to me...I don't think I can ever trust them again, not unless they have a serious reform. They lost their ability to trust in others. I wouldn't feel welcome unless that trust in others was returned.

And yes. I get the irony. My trust in them was lost by their lack of trust. But it's the best way I have to describe it. The poison of a lack of trust infected the community thanks to the problematic streamer and the agents of the problematic streamer, the ex-friends who chose the problematic streamer over their friends, over doing the right thing, and continued to spread the misinformation about kels and I and poisoned the minds of my friends.

These people twisted innocent actions, these people took the portrayal of people at their weakest, most vulnerable, worst states where they were emotionally compromised, and portrayed that as the norm. These people turned love into lovebombing, turned sharing information/facts into harm/abuse, turned efforts to mend into efforts to hurt. They spread that perspective, that doubt, that questioning of character, and infected the minds of everyone in the community.

And that paranoia, that doubt, didn't stay on just me, or just kels. It remains, with nearly everyone distrustful of nearly everyone, in ways they weren't before.

And that's poison.

I was never the problem.
kels was never the problem.

The problem remains, even after we have left, because the call was coming from inside the building.

​I wanted to believe the problematic streamer was a good person.

And despite everything, as fucked up as it is? I still want to believe the ex-friends are good people.
I've laid out, nearly as explicitly as I can without actually talking about the exchanges, all of the ways I know they're not. How they used emotional manipulation to try and get me to drop kels. How they outright gaslit me and tried to lie about events I remembered too well for their gaslighting to work. And so on and so forth. I have every reason to think they're horrible, with the only reasons I have to doubt it being...well, basically...

...a combination of remembering the good times when we were friends, hearing about them from people still friends with them, and my belief in most people being good but all people being flawed.

I want to believe they're good, despite all of what they did to me, and how their poison remains a plague that infected an entire community and sowed seeds of distrust that destroyed the vibes of connection previously present.

But really...I guess only time will tell.

Ultimately...it's not my battle to fight.
It's not my space anymore.
It was a found family, I truly treasured my time there...but I've moved on.
And that's again why this will likely be among my last blogs on the subject.

Receiving word about what has happened there from an unbiased source? Validated me. It's vindicating to know that the exact things which were things I said were problematic, are being seen as such by people completely unaware of my knowledge. They weren't biased by me. They found that on their own, because it's not just me.

It's healing. It's soothing. But it's not something I'm going to get entangled in. It's not something I'm going to continue focusing on. With the knowledge of the state of the community, I know that the explosion is going to happen sooner rather than later. People are going to want answers, people are going to ask, "What the hell happened to us? What happened here???", sooner rather than later. They are going to do digging, reevaluating, and revisit the past. I know it's going to happen, sooner rather than later, and knowing that is cathartic.

Knowing they will heal, they will learn, they will grow, after realizing the mistake they made in letting that distrust fester, in letting that lack of faith last so long. Knowing they let themselves be hurt by a nonexistent version of people, and that the threats they viewed were never threats. Knowing they will grow, they will figure out, what the real issue was and who caused it and how it happened.

That's all healing, to know it will happen sooner rather than later.

...But I have spoken my piece. So now I am at peace. It's not my place anymore, despite my fondness for it. It's not my fight. I already learned. I already grew. I already am healing. That healing would best be served by moving on, now that I have spoken as much as I can. There's a lot more I could say, to be sure...but I don't think it'd help to.

Fingers crossed from here on out we can all collectively move on.

I apologize for bothering you. And I am so sorry for having been this critical, this negative. I truly want to not be, and I truly hope to embody the very thing I think the community I was in had lost. I want to trust, as I wasn't trusted. I want to believe, as I wasn't believed. I want to see the good, as I wasn't seen for all the good. I want to be better than to ever possibly risk putting someone through the Hell I lived through.

I wouldn't wish my suffering on my worst enemy. Not the streamer I believe is problematic, not the ex-friends. I don't think they deserve that. I don't think they deserve to suffer. I don't think they deserve to be entirely cast out. To have the harm they caused be recognized, identified, and have communities correct for it? Yeah I think that's a necessity to happen at some point. But I never want to have anyone go through what we did.

I don't want to ever feel a need to be paranoid, distrustful, guarded, reserved. I don't want to ever put up walls. I don't want to ever spread poison. I don't want to ever speak badly of people I used to think fondly of. I don't want to think people are irredeemable, and should be condemned. I don't want to believe people are horrible enough where they deserve scorn. I don't want to highlight the negatives we all have. I don't want to focus on the bad.

So going forward...I hope that I can focus on all the positives. On all the learnings. On all the healing. On all which is good in this world. I truly wish you can have that strength, too. Thank you for tolerating my rants about my trauma. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for listening. And I hope that I can help you in some way shape or form going forward. <3

Namely, it's the decision to move on rather than to go public with the events of last year and the followthrough into this year.

And basically...it boils down to the illusion of choice.

There's only a few possible outcomes, and most of them lead to the same basic things. To run through the possibilities;

Possibility One: We go public about what happened. Nobody believes us. And down the line, nothing comes to light. Nobody comes forward. The people we believe are problematic are never shown as such. I don't believe this would actually happen.
After all, I've been believed by everyone who has actually asked me for my perspective. If I went public, there's a good chance most people would. I've got a long history displaying my true character, as well as a fairly decent amount of evidence, not to mention, numerous people who can collaborate my perspective. That, aside from the fact that every time I asked about going public in tarot readers, I got told I would be supported and good things would come from it. So this possibility is rather unlikely.
But if it were to happen...if nobody believed us...and nobody ever does...then why bother? It wouldn't do any good.

kels and I want to focus on healing, on moving on, on building our lives together. We want peace and prosperity. To live happily, to live content, and to just move on. Going public is dwelling in the past, and in this possibility, it wouldn't do any good.

Possibility Two: We go public about what happened. Initially, nobody believes us. However, down the line, things come to light. The problematic behavior we knew about in 2023 is later revealed at a later time. In this case, the information revealed down the line has no relation to us bringing our information forward. So for all intents and purposes...our information adds nothing. People wouldn't have believed us. People believe the later information coming forward, but the later information comes forward completely on its own, completely separately from us.
In this case...it's identical to the first. We don't matter. We add nothing. Coming forward does nothing. We go through all of the same hassle as the first and in the end the results are nearly identical. Nothing we did contributes to the individuals being exposed, because nobody believed us.

And as above, that's just...not worth it. My wife-to-be and I both want to focus on healing. To move on. To rebuild our lives together. We want to get married next year, on October 31st 2025. We want to have a house. We are talking about potentially raising children. We want to focus on gaining the stability and security of having enough of an income to not just survive but also live. And that is best accomplished...by...not wasting the time on going public. After all, it does no good. The people coming forward still come forward regardless of our involvement, and get believed, regardless of what we do. That means we don't need to contribute, and we can instead focus on that.

Possibility Three: We don't go public about what happens. Nobody comes forward ever, and nobody would have even if they saw us. In this case, it's identical to possibility one. There's nobody to come forward and be believed, and they wouldn't come forward even if we had. We just don't come forward in this case. It's identical to possibility one in basically every way, except we never bother to come out with the info. So like...it's the same, just with less hassle.

Possibility Four: We don't go public about what happens. And later down the line, someone else does. The problematic people are exposed as problematic. It's essentially identical to possibility two, just without the extra hassle. We didn't need to come forward, so us having done so would be a waste of time, essentially. The only difference between this and possibility five is the timing the problematic people are exposed. Here, it just happens later.

I actually believe this is exactly what will happen. I believe the problematic people will be exposed as problematic without us needing to be involved. And the reason why is because we're in the grand scheme of things? Not important. We don't matter. We don't matter for exposing problematic people as being problematic. Their problematic nature will be shown by others. While any single individual might be unimportant, collectively as a whole it will be shown. Basically, kels and I aren't important for exposing the problematic people. If everyone believed they weren't important, then the problematic nature of them never comes forward...but in this possibility...that doesn't happen, someone comes forward eventually, and the truth gets exposed and then story after story comes forward exposing the lies and misinformation which had been believed en masse by the streaming community as a whole.

We aren't going to be the only victims. There will be more. And they will eventually share why they are victims. And when they do, that will make everyone question everything.

Possibility Five: We go public about what happened. And we are believed. There's actually a really good chance this is what happens, but in many ways it's identical to possibility two. Anything *WE* can do to expose the problematic people, other victims/associates can do down the line, too. We'd just be accomplishing it sooner. It's effectively identical to possibility two, except instead of someone else being the ones to expose it, it happens to be us.

If we were to go public, this is what I believe would happen. I believe we'd be believed. We have good evidence to back it, we have the character to back it, we have witnesses who would back us, and our perspective, our stories, would inspire others to come forward with theirs. Ours would be the first of many, and eventually, the nature of how the harassment campaign against us began would be fully exposed. We would get great support, we would have done great good, by being the ones to expose the problematic people by having the bravery to come forward.

...Which...is fine and all, but...while I believe this is what would happen if we did come forward...it's essentially identical to possibility four. The only difference is us spending time and effort in the past, effort/time that aren't us moving on and rebuilding our lives. And...while that would certainly be noble...it's a level of sacrifice I don't feel like making. Trying to do the right thing, trying to do the greatest good, is how this whole mess started back in 2023. We thought we were doing the right thing back then, and the result of it was kels almost killing themself (twice), both of us losing almost everything we ever cared for, and continuous harassment from the resulting campaign of misinformation demonizing us both. It caused me to gaslight myself badly into genuinely believing all of the horrible things about myself I always thought (depression + anxiety-fueled self-loathing), and to think everything we did was wrong.

Coming forward would be a lot of time, effort, and hassle. People would believe us here, but there'd be all of the stress and anxiety of them potentially not. We'd face retaliation. Our friends would, too. Maybe even our family. We would be scrutinized and even further villainized, because the problematic people and all people acting on their world-view would try to expose us as liars and monsters, and we would face all of that hatred just for the crime of sharing what we went through. And...while I have faith that we would be shown right, while I have faith people would ultimately side with us, while I believe people would believe us ultimately...in the interim, it would be Hell, and make rebuilding our lives nearly impossible.

I...don't think we can do that. I wanted to, for a time, because of doing the right thing, and believing coming forward could genuinely prevent potential future victims from ever being victimized. Our silence has the potential consequence of people down the line being hurt who wouldn't have been hurt if we came forward sooner, and that weighed heavily on me, because I wanted to help them by stopping the problematic people from having the trust, access, and influence to further victimize people. Particularly a friend or two, who are at extra high risk of becoming victims down the line.

I wanted to protect them, and a part of me still does...but at the same time...I don't think I have the strength to do this. And even if I personally did...kels does not. Kels cannot handle it. They've made that clear. They cannot handle anything more than what they have already gone through. So for them even if nobody else...I cannot do this. It would be hell for me, it would be hell for them, and while the results may EVENTUALLY be worth it...the interim period never would be.

​So...there's only one real possibility which would warrant coming forward.

Possibility Six: We come forward, and aren't initially believed...but down the line, someone else who wouldn't have come forward without us, ends up having the courage to share their experiences. The problematic people get exposed because someone broke the silence, and it was only possible because of us inspiring the real dealbreakers. Our experience wouldn't be believable or notable or big enough to make an impact, but we would inspire the actual smoking gun whistleblower with our experiences, and they come forward directly because they know they are not alone and can count on us.

Which is in many ways just a variant on possibility five, just with a timing difference behind when and how the problematic people end up exposed as such.


As far as I'm concerned...all the possibilities, and their variants (you could argue there's also a seventh possibility where we come forward, aren't believed, and the disbelief of us prevents people from coming forward who would have come forward and been believed had we not been disbelieved when we came forward, for instance, but I lump that in with the others), all are an illusion of choice.

They all lead to essentially the same destinations.

Kels and I are left needing to heal no matter what.
Kels and I need to move on no matter what.
Kels and I need to rebuild our lives regardless.
​Kels and I need to focus on securing our future rather than dwelling on the past no matter what.

The only real variable--which is entirely out of our control--is whether we are believed, or whether we aren't. Whether the problematic people are exposed, or if they aren't.

And that is something we have no control over whatsoever, because we can only control our own actions--not those of others. We can only hold our own perspectives and beliefs, not shape those of others. Thus? Illusion of choice. There's six or so possibilities listed, but when it boils down to it, there's only two for kels and I, and they both lead to much the same place.

We come forward, then try to rebuild after.
Or we focus on healing and rebuilding now, and trust in the universe.

Those are the only options, and they both lead to the same place...just at a different pace. So even this singular choice, isn't actually a choice. It's still an illusion. ALL roads lead to the same place eventually, no matter WHICH path we travel.

We always need to start a life together.
We always need to heal.
We always need to pursue our future rather than living in the past.

​The how differs between the possibilities. The need remains regardless.

And that illusion of choice is a huge factor in why we're not coming forward, and not likely to at any point honestly.

With the stresses of life, with how on the edge we are living...we don't have the time/energy to come forward. Instead, we are focused on just surviving and trying to turn surviving into living. We want to pursue our happiness NOW, and to secure our life NOW, so do the work for that in the present, not in the future. As we are able to, as we have the energy to.

And that means we cannot afford to look to the past. No matter how noble it may be, our life circumstances just...don't allow it to be something we can really handle. COULD we do it? Well the reading I got says we'd be protected and we'd be supported...but that path would be much, much harder to travel. So as selfish as it may be...we are taking the easier path. The path of not coming forward. It's easier, but easier is all we have the energy, time, and finances for. We don't have the luxury of trying to do the most right thing. We only have the ability to handle doing a right thing.


I might be a bit rambling, and that concept may be a bit hard to vocalize. But to put it as best I can...often, there's no singular "right" thing to do. There's not a binary right/wrong choice to make, where there's one correct and one wrong decision to be made. Most of the time, things do not work that way.

Instead, there's more a level of...optimal paths, as it were. Many paths diverge, but then merge down the line again. "All roads lead to Rome", as it were. All roads in time lead to the same place, it's just some are better than others. None of them are right, none of them are wrong, but rather...it's more a case of some being more right for some people and some being more wrong for some people.

When it comes to doing the right thing, it's similarly so. There's the thing that is most right for the collective of humanity. There's the thing that is most right for the individual in the present. There's the thing that is most right for the individual down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a family in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a family down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a community in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a community down the line.

All of those are equally entitled to the title of "the right thing" to do. They're right in different ways, despite largely being mutually exclusive with each other to some extent. There's something of a spectrum. A balance. To live your life at one extreme leaves you not living it at all in the other, but if you live more in the middle you are not living your life to the furthest it possibly could be in at least one area. I hope that makes sense.

And that's what I mean. The right thing to do is mostly a question of "what is right for YOU to do, in the moment?", and to that...the answer is often very fluid and situational. I never know for sure if what I am doing is the most right thing for me to do in the moment, but I try my best to listen to my instincts and pursue it to the fullest.

And if you're wondering how we know what's right to do in the moment...well it's largely following instinct, but it's also considering what is most important to you. What do you value most? What do you most want? What is your goal, what is your objective, with all the options laid out in the given moment? What are you hoping to accomplish? What are you hoping to achieve? Both in the now, and in the future? What is what you most treasure? What is what you least desire? Where do you fall on the spectrum of individual versus group, of self-enrichment and community-enrichment, of self-needs versus humanity needs, of needs versus wants, of the present versus the future, and so on and so forth.

What, who, do you value most? And from all of that...feel out what actions seem like they will get you to the best balance of where you want to have gone, essentially. Nobody gets to do everything they ever want to have done. Actions, and inactions, both carry consequences both good and bad to them. So you have to choose, and your choices matter for which path you walk, even if the paths end up reconverging down the line. Which path you walk has a ripple effect, and affects you and the world in little but meaningful ways.

​That choice leads to none being wrong per se...but there will always be paths that feel more rewarding to have walked down than the alternative paths.

And for me...that's why when I listen to my instincts...when I try to pursue the path that is most right for me in the moment...I see the focus on building my life with kels.

Kels is my greatest treasure. They are the best part of my world. They are what I value most. They are my other half. I want to be together with them forever, for the rest of eternity, to be tied together and to be a part of each other. I never want to be left without them in my life. And I want them in my life as much as they can be. (Well...within healthy reason.)

​I have more values than just kels, of course.
I value my friends, especially those who have demonstrated they value me.
I value my spaces, my communities.
I value my creativity, and pursuing my talents.
I value my skills as a teacher and healer, and hold the desire to mend others, to educate them, to help them.

​But kels is the thing I value most of all. They are my wife-to-be. They are the most important thing in the world to me.

So as far as I'm concerned...it's kels first, and all of the others are second, in balance with each other.

And when I take that into account...what's right for me to do in the moment? Is often to cherish my time with kels. To love them. To dote on them. To shower them with praise and affection. To give them gifts. "What you want...you get." is what I tell them. If they want something, they shall have it. Giving them my love is the right thing for me to do because I love them.

Building my life with them is the right thing, because they are my other half, and at this point I genuinely don't think I can live my life without them in it. I need to be there for them. I need to not feel like I have wasted my time with them. I need to not feel like I could have spent more time with them. Because I need to be there and experience life with them. That is the right thing for me to do, above all other things.

​And then when I look at all of the other things I value beyond kels...none of them involve coming forward about what happened last year. I don't value "doing the right thing" in the sense of preventing potential future or current victims from being further victimized. That would be altruistic. That would be selfless. That would be noble. But while past-me may have been of the mindset of pursuing that as the only right thing to do...now I know better. And as selfish as it may be...I care more about my future and present with kels. Which makes the right thing to do, not coming forward, because while it would potentially help others...it does nothing to help kels and I build our future together.

The right thing for me to do feels like to focus on that. On my future with the love of my life, and all who are still a part of my life.

If I were to come forward, then a lot of the people who previously cut me out of their lives may potentially want me back in their lives again...but if I'm being honest?

...In our current state, neither kels or I have the time/energy to handle the expanded network we used to have. We are in far fewer spaces than we were in a little over a year ago. (Well, it's getting closer to a year and a half at this point.) But a year and a half ago, we were both living at home with our families, basically not working, with a ton of free time and energy, and far fewer responsibilities. We had less to worry about, we had less we needed to do just to survive. We had the safety net of our families and the security to spend our time and energy more freely on others.

And right now?
...We don't.

We don't have that time or energy to spend on others, as we used to, because we are barely surviving as-is. We need to spend the extra time and energy we previously were spending on the people and communities we're currently no longer welcome in...on us.

In that sense, coming forward and being believed...would actually be WORSE for us than not being believed or not coming forward. Not being believed or not coming forward both has the same result: our circle of friends and spaces/communities remains much smaller than it previously was. It allows us to have both the time to focus on ourselves, AND the time to focus on our remaining friends and spaces.

​Basically, with our current situation...we need to spend some time and energy on ourselves, to secure our future. A year and a half ago, the time and energy we are currently spending on ourselves to secure our future was free to be spent elsewhere; now it's not.

Essentially...imagine there's a pool of 99 energy. 33-66 energy is needed for securing our future. 33 energy is needed for the current friends and spaces. 33-66 energy is required for the spaces we are no longer in. A year and a half ago, we were spending 0 energy on securing the future, leaving that 99 energy all for the friends and spaces.

​But if the friends and spaces we no longer have were to suddenly re-enter our lives right now...there would be a 33 - 66 energy deficit. We don't have the time/energy to handle the additional life responsibilities of securing our future (absent from last year), plus our current friends/spaces, IN ADDITION TO the friends/spaces we lost.

Which is why having lost those spaces is, while we are working on securing our future, a blessing; it allows us to have the energy we need to secure our future while not causing us to neglect our friends/spaces and still leave time for everything and everyone in our life right now.

...And since I believe we would be believed...

...That means I believe we would be welcomed back into at least some of the spaces we currently are not. Maybe not all! But at least SOME would welcome us back when they learn we're actually the victims and their actions were helping the perpetrators further harass us and drive us to the brink of killing ourselves repeatedly.

In that sense...in the here and now?

...It's actually better that they currently believe...well, whatever they believe.
Maybe they believe we're delusional--they believe we genuinely believe we've been harassed by problematic people, but they believe we're delusional and that we were problematic and the problematic people aren't problematic, essentially.

Maybe they believe we're problematic people--that we're actually just lying, and that we were never harassed, that we deserved everything which happened to us, that we aren't the victims but are perpetrators, that we know the problematic people aren't and are telling a lie.

​Maybe they believe it's somewhere between those two.

Maybe they believe the truth is more complex and that it's somewhere between what we have shared and what the problematic people have shared. That nobody is problematic, but believe the other 'side' to be more worth keeping in their space.

​Who knows what they believe. But whatever they believe, their belief is currently that I and kels are not worth associating with, are not worth having in their lives/spaces. For whatever their belief, the end result is the same. They don't want to be a part of our lives right now.

​And that's actually for the best...because if they believed that I was worth welcoming back into their life in any capacity...I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it right now.

Kels and I are struggling as-is to balance handling life and friends/spaces we still have.
Adding more people/spaces would lead to a greater struggle. I'd either end up neglecting life stuff or neglecting spaces/friends in ways I'm currently not.

​So...it's for the best for kels and I that they currently believe we're not worth having around, because we wouldn't be able to handle having them around despite efforts.

Kels and I are both chronic People Pleasers. We are both Empaths. We have the same habits/tendencies to devote all of our time/energy and then some to places we cherish and love, leaving us neglecting our personal lives. We want others to be happy. We want to help. We have that altruism, that love. We love people, we love spaces, we love communities, and give our heart and soul to them just out of that genuine love and support...

...So if someone wants to be in our lives...we let them be in our lives.

...And because every person/space in our lives takes time/energy, the more people who want us around...the more energy/time we spend on others, and the less we spend on ourselves.

​That's why I believe getting canceled was a blessing. It cut 90% of the people/spaces I was in, out of my life. That meant all of the time/energy spent on 90% of the people/spaces was suddenly freed up, to focus on me.

​And you know what...

...I trust in the universe, in my guides.

"All is as it should be."

Including those people currently being out of my life.

I genuinely believe that, down the line, when I have more stability in my life, that I will suddenly have the extra time/energy I once had--and when I have that extra time/energy back, I believe that's when the people who were once in my life but currently aren't, will begin to come back in.

That's why I feel like the truth will come out circa 2026 or sooner. I feel like kels and I will have successfully built a life together in that time. Gotten married, settled down, began a life. I feel like the problematic people being exposed as problematic will happen after kels and I have already rebuilt our lives, healed, and no longer are spending all our time/energy on just surviving.

When we are ready to accept more people into our lives, we will be allowed to, as it were. Friendships ended could be rekindled, should they so choose, because kels and I could handle it on our end and they would be willing to try on their end.

That is what I feel, deep down, at least.

So long as I am doing my part, but don't push myself too hard.

​Of course...all that said...

...If any of the people who aren't in my life read this blog...

...Please don't think it means you shouldn't try to become a part of my life.

"All is as it should be" applies to YOU as well!

If you are reading this blog...then trust there is a good reason for you to have read this blog.

If you are reading this blog, then the chances are the reason WHY you are reading it is BECAUSE you are ready to have me be a part of your life, and vice-versa.

Don't think that I won't have the time/energy for you.
Don't think that the time isn't right.
Don't think that you need to wait.
Don't think that you would be unwelcome.
Don't think that you would be rejected. (I will happily accept you.)
Don't think that me accepting you will cause me to overextend.
Don't think that you will be the straw to break my camel's back and cause me to overexert myself.

No.

If you are reading this blog, and if there is any interest in starting or rekindling a relationship with me--beit associate or friendship--then trust you were led here because it is your guides and the universe's way of telling you that you are in the right place and the right time to do exactly what you desire.

You read, or at least skimmed, this blog. You cared enough to spend the time/energy on it. You wanted to see some part of my life, at least in some small part. And if you did that...then you SHOULD be in my life, and I'll tell you why by letting you in on a little secret:

Everyone currently in my life? Once hadn't heard me out. Everyone who is currently in my life, once had a time when they hadn't listened to me, hadn't accepted me, hadn't told me they were welcome. There was a time when they hadn't done that...but once they did? They became, or remained, a part of my life, with a bond deepened by that trust, that reciprocation.

Your past actions don't matter.

Your fears about the change in life/circumstances don't matter.

Your worries of me being better off without you are exactly that. Anxieties, born of regrets and doubts.

But trust me. If you read this? You are worthy of being my friend, and if you want to be my friend, you can and SHOULD pursue it. It's the right thing for you to do, in the moment. And it will be a regret if you don't. I'm a catch. I'm growing into my greatest self yet. My journey has continued, and I'm even better to know now than I was a year and a half ago. You can watch me grow at any time, but I would love to have you here.

You just gotta have a little faith, that you're not going to weigh me down, that you're not going to be a problem, and that you will be welcomed and accepted. You are where you belong. And given the chance...I will love you. And that will not be a bad thing, because it will be the least you deserve. <3

Keep in mind, it's expressing months' worth of thoughts and revelations and breakthroughs and reflections, and I have ADHD, am distracted, have autism, and am multitasking, so my way of expressing it may not be as clear as I want. At this point though, I'm not really going to ask for forgiveness and beg to not be canceled or anything, for people to bear with me, etc. Bit late on that boat, that ship has sailed already. So, if my thoughts aren't perfect and it's something someone uses to paint me in a bad light...let them do that. I know who I am and who I am not, and if they want to paint me a certain way without actually talking to me, then they can be my guest, the people who care about me will talk to me.

On that note...

...I basically wanted to talk about my view on last year.

It's simultaneously both complex, and yet, not.

I know that my blogs have been all over the place in depicting what happened last year, so for those who weren't involved, it can be difficult to figure out wtf exactly went on. Well, guess what; I was the one who went through it and it's been so damn difficult for me to figure out wtf exactly went on I still haven't any clue, not truly, what to think of things. What I think changes moment to moment, day to day, month to month.

A lot of my growth over this year however has been in revising my internal view of last year, from my view as shown at the end of last year. I want to be clear that the actions we took are largely dependent on the character of one individual in particular--at one extreme, the actions we took were an echo chamber of a negative feedback spiral about a good person. For most of last year, as well as a great deal of this year, this is what I believed.

At the other extreme, the actions we took were actually underestimating the problematic nature of the person involved. We acted under the belief of that person being good, but flawed in ways detrimental to communities. We wanted to raise awareness of this, and have the person accept that, so they could grow, change, and become better, in ways they otherwise wouldn't. But at the other extreme...they were problematic and we were giving the benefit of the doubt where none was deserved.

I don't actually believe in either extreme. I think the actual truth is somewhere in the middle...but, despite how much I want to have my faith in humanity mean it was closer to the former...the red flags my fiance would later talk to me about, the bad vibes, and my own intuition are pushing me to believe the person is closer to the latter.

There is more. I spent the better part of a year believing my fiance had done something without being aware they had done something. Almost a full year after I was informed of it (I was informed of it on August 21st 2023 after hints on July 31st 2023, I talked about it with kels on August 4th, 2024), I can now confidently stand by them being innocent. I spent almost a full year believing "they are guilty of this, but don't know it; my love for them is greater than any arbitrary cutoff point", where I chose remaining with the love of my life no matter the consequences over cutting them out for what they allegedly did.

...And yet, after having shared with them what they were accused of...I believe them innocent now. I believe the accusation was false. There's only four people who could have made the accusation in the timeframe it was made. My fiance swears it wasn't the person who I spent a year thinking it was, and the other three are all people who would have made that accusation either as a lie they figured was harmless or out of malice/delusion (one of the two). A 3/4 chance of innocence is one I am all too happy to take, because the love of my life is worth having.

To some lesser extent, a lot of what went on last year also depends on the character of two ex-friends. When I shared with my fiance conversations I had with them, they pointed out to me how there was a contradiction in what these two had tried to tell me. How they had talked about stopping my fiance from doing some "stupid stuff", but left out exactly what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of was...for good reason, because what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of directly contradicted what I was being told my fiance was allegedly trying to do.

At the time, when the conversations first happened, on some level I was able to identify the dissonance between what they said and what I knew to be true of my fiance. But, I had believed at the time that they were accidental in those contradictions. When my fiance pointed the contradictions I had on some level detected, it cast doubt onto my world view of it having been accidental and has left me thinking they knowingly and deliberately were trying to gaslight me into dropping my at-the-time-friend.

​I still want to believe in the inner goodness of everyone. At the goodness extreme, everyone involved (the person, the accuser, the ex-friends, all 8 friends from March 19th to July 23rd, myself, my fiance) would all have been trying to do the right thing, but imperfections and misunderstandings and misinterpretations and a whole failure of communication and emotions running high and so on and so forth led to those imperfections, those flaws, badly interacting and a heated meltdown of things exploding, when in hindsight they should never have gotten that bad, and it's best everyone went their separate ways despite being good people.

...But as much as I want to believe in that extreme...I can't.

I don't believe the other extreme either, as vindicating as it would be. I don't think the person who caused all of this is secretly a monster nobody knew was one. I don't believe the accuser would be a completely horrible person through and through. I don't believe the ex-friends are terrible people. Any of those being true would be incredibly cathartic, but I doubt them to be true, as much as it would be healing for it to be.

...However...

...A large part of the healing process for me is realizing that wherever the middle ground is...it's okay for me to believe that the individuals in question are closer to the latter than the former...at least in key ways. I believe the person isn't a good person in at least a few key ways. As many red flags as I can wave off with justifications, some just cannot be explained as anything but a red flag, meaning they have some clear problematic traits that are just problematic. Depending on who the accuser was, if it was one of two of the three who would make the false accusation then they are someone who would be prone to rewriting events, lying to others either deliberately or accidentally, and their own loved ones would call them out on their bullshit. If it was the third of the three then it would've been a lie they figured was harmless to tell not realizing it would carry consequences for me and my fiance down the line. And the ex-friends did try to gaslight me, deliberately.

Those are all true. Them having done that doesn't mean they need to be monsters. Or even horrible people. But they did do bad things and have bad traits that led to both my fiance and myself nearly killing ourselves twice. In  the July-August 2023 range Kels wrote a letter, had it planned out, exactly how they were going to unalive themself, and only my presence saved them. I fell into that depression hole badly in December 2023 and again in June-July 2024. My fiance relapsed in April 2024 too. We have genuinely had brushes with death owing to the events which happened in that timeframe...

...And that is something which it is okay to note as having been Not Okay to have been put through. A lot of the growth I've gone through is realizing that no matter how well-intentioned the people involved are (and, again, it's possible the intentions were not in fact well-intentioned and were in fact malicious), me and my fiance were victims of a misinformation campaign, of bullying and harassment designed to isolate us.

I also want to be clear...I know our own actions were worth criticising, regardless of circumstances or justification. Even if it's true that my fiance was within their legal right to pursue legal action, bringing that up even in an informative way could reasonably be interpreted as a threat. Even if it was on the advice of the ex-friends, my fiance's pursuit of trying to sort things out could be interpreted as spreading it around (although I believe this trait was maliciously exaggerated).

And on my end...I was emotionally compromised. We both were. Being emotionally compromised, and on the defensive, we made mistakes. We reacted poorly. We lashed out. And depending on the characters of the individuals involved...a lot of the actions leading up to it are also things of questionable "shoulda known better", as it were. We didn't do things as we ought to have, regardless.

And when it all blew up, we reacted poorly. On my end, I was furious. I was angry. I refused to believe my friend-at-the-time could be anything but the friend I knew, and was angry at everyone taking action against them, believing them wrong. And I lashed out under this belief, essentially of my now-fiance having been perfect and having done no wrong whatsoever. I argued, very extensively, very harmfully, with the now-ex-friends, because to me friendship is the most important thing in the world and I would do anything for a friend, and I was already in love with kels at the time.

​I also believed myself to be a monster. "Kels can't be a monster, because I know what a monster is, because *I* am a monster" was a thought I had. My imposter syndrome, various anxieties, depression, and my past all led me to believe that I was a hurtful, problematic monster, just faking being a good person, that my true self was me at my darkest, me at my worst, and that the good I had done was all an illusion, an act, all me pretending, all me trying to get something, all me furthering a personal agenda.

And under that belief, I said some very harmful things, including in my now-deleted blog posts. I degraded the value of communities and friendships I had, in a place of my internal anxieties and in an incredibly emotionally compromised state.

I did not handle things well.

Regardless of the character of the others involved, my part as well as my fiance's part will always be one where we did have failings. No matter how well-intentioned we were, no matter how much we were trying to do the right thing, no matter how hurt we were, how emotionally compromised we were, no matter how much we were trying our best at the time...we made mistakes. We messed up. And it would be irresponsible of me to not learn from those failings. It would be delusional to think we were perfect and could not have done better. It would be wrong to say we were 100% in the right.

​...But healing has come from realizing we were not 100% in the wrong, either. We WERE trying our best. We WERE trying to do the right thing. We DID have good reason to be emotional. Anyone put on the defensive, anyone emotionally compromised, IS going to lash out.

And all of this applies, regardless of where the individuals fall on the spectrum of good to problematic.

The further they are from being good, the more I can stand proud in where I chose to be, essentially.

I can acknowledge my mistakes. I can acknowledge I messed up. I can acknowledge I had failings. But if the people are closer to the problematic side...then in the grand scheme of things...then I can stand proud for doing my best to do the right thing, and look back and say I ultimately, flawed as it was, stood by what really mattered, what was truly important, what most was worth protecting and pursuing.

​And...that is largely why I say I feel time will vindicate us. I believe we will be vilified. I believe a lot of the things believed of us, a lot of the bad things we are believed to have done, will be revealed as the misinformation they are, and how that misinformation spread will be exposed, down the line.

I believe that the problematic people will be exposed. That the individual who kicked this off will have their flaws exposed at some point, that our ex-friends chose their friendship with this person over doing the right thing and over their friendship with my fiance, that the ex-friends used the lie told to them about my fiance to justify harassing me when I pursued my happiness with my fiance, and how people all trying to do the right thing ended up as pawns because they believed that misinformation and acted on it, spread it, and helped propagate the harassment.

I believe time will reflect well on us and poorly on those who kicked off the misinformation campaign against us. Because I believe a lot of the things that are currently private will be exposed, with time, and in the public eye be scrutinized and have people go, "wait a sec..." at their prior assumptions on how things went down.

I spent most of 2023 believing me and my fiance were in the wrong. I spent the first half of 2023 by and large walking to a middle ground of "everyone was both in the right AND in the wrong". But a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I am not a monster and never have been. I was right about my fiance, and their innocence. I was RIGHT to stick with them, especially since they are the love of my life. I have always been a kind, caring, compassionate person, loving, and supportive. I've only gotten better at being a good friend, but I always was one, even at my lowest point.

We may or may not have been in the right, but we believed we were, and acted as best we could. We did the best we could at the time to do the right thing. We were good people then, and are even better people now. And that is true, regardless of the characters of the people involved.

I am worth having and keeping as a friend. I spread joy and positivity in all spaces I am welcome. I am there for friends. A big healing moment was when I went from going, "all I HAVE is words, I have no actions I possibly can take" (a mistaken belief I held at the beginning of 2024) to realizing that in actuality, those words I gave WERE actions, because of their consistent investment of time, energy, and presence, that level of investment, where I was THERE, and I CARED, and I showed it by carefully crafting those words.

There was healing involved in realizing me carefully crafting words wasn't manipulation...it was CARE. Care, because I wanted to give the most support and love, to do the best thing, to help as much as I possibly could. Those words were actions.

And I believe time will show a lot of the things thought to have been malicious from me, thought to be bad, thought to be harmful, will be shown with time to be exactly what they were. Maybe imperfect, but always sincere, genuine efforts to do the right thing, to do the best I could, to love, to support, to help, as best as I could.

​I know it can be hard to believe that I genuinely love everyone, especially communities I believe are found family, but I believe with time people will realize just how sincere my love was, how pure and innocent it was. Naive, to be sure. Maybe overly optimistic! Stupidly idealistic. But sincere. Not an act. Not faked. Not done with an agenda. Pure, genuine love.

I believe my actions are going to be seen and understood a lot more with time.
I believe people are going to reflect back and think what I did makes a lot more sense with time.
I believe people are going to see what I did and not just understand, but agree, and think in my shoes they would do the same.

And I believe, as the people involved have what they did and continue to do exposed, a lot of the misinformation will be exposed as having been exactly that.

But ultimately...even if it never does get exposed...I ultimately don't care. I am healing. The people who remain in my life are the people who most matter to me. I have a feeling a lot of what we went through is going to get exposed, and people are going to be mortified about how two people were twice nearly driven to unalive themselves from the misinformation campaign, and realize a lot of the actions they took in the name of trying to safeguard their spaces were actually doing the exact opposite.

Yet, even if they never know...even if they never learn...then I don't care. I am going to pursue my happiness. I am going to pursue having a life, with my loved ones. I have to follow my own truths. I constantly visit the past, with doubts. But deep down, I know. I believe in my own inner goodness, and the goodness in most people. And I believe that despite the mistakes, I am allowed to heal, and to have happiness. I am allowed to have friends, and spaces where I am welcomed, even valued.

We deserve to have friends, and be supported. We are supportive. We are loving. I spread joy and positivity. I know my value. And it's okay to have that.

It's a challenge. Basically, I don't want to believe myself perfect. Nor my fiance, despite how much I love them. I don't want to believe we were completely in the right. I don't want to ignore the pain, I don't want to ignore the hurt. I don't want to believe I did nothing wrong. You get the idea.

But, I also want to be realistic and honest. And being realistic and honest...no. We did not deserve what we have gone through and continue to go through. We are not the horrible people we're now widely believed to be. We are not the problematic people who deserved to be cut out. We were never given a chance to share our perspective, and had we been given that opportunity, a lot would have been different in a way that would have left far less harm.

​I have made mistakes, but a lot of my mistakes were in thinking I had made mistakes I actually never made. A lot of my mistakes were in accepting everyone's views as valid except my own. Believing everyone else was right except for me. Believing I was always in the wrong and could never be in the right. A lot of my mistakes were in over-valuing the input of others, and taking their views as infallible, believing they couldn't be wrong, and that I had to be mistaken, I had to have messed up, I had to have been the problem.

And a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem. Nor was my fiance. We were never a danger to communities. We were never a threat to anyone. A lot of the issues would have been solved by better communication, but the failure to communicate was not on our end.

People never talked to us.

And I genuinely believe...down the line...they are going to learn...they weren't as in the right as they believed.

But, that is their journey to take, not mine.

My journey has already largely happened, with the healing of realizing exactly who I am, and who I am NOT. I am NOT a monster. I am NOT a problem. I AM a supportive friend, who gives my all to the people I love. I AM very loving, with a genuine love of humanity and doubly so for found families. I AM kind, caring, compassionate, loving, empathetic, and supportive. I AM a good friend.

It's okay to heal. It's okay to find peace. And it's okay to have people love me, and to love them, and to be with people who match my energy.

And that is why my life is as good as it is.

I am happy.

I am content.

I have a world view that I believe is very conductive to spreading joy and positivity.

I have an outlook I feel is great for bonding.

​I just...think I have a lot of good things going for me. And I don't think them delusional. They are true, and while I might not be able to express things, I may be able to fully lay things out...I feel I will have history see me and know I had a good perspective. Not perfect, mind you! I'm still improving. I'm still refining. But really good.

And that's been very healing.

What I mean by a "cheater blog" is that I'm going to be taking a few of my recent 'unofficial blog' posts on my main Twitter and my Threads account (links to the main things I'm copying), rather than writing a blog for today from scratch.

I suppose I'll mention; I'm not looking forward to a work meeting today, and have a lot of work work to do, but I'll get through it somehow.

I've gotta be quick though as I've got daily morning routine tasks to do, like showering, meds, eating breakfast, etc.

So, to copy my unofficial blog posts on social media;

It took me a lot of time to figure out "what is 'right'" to do, but I did come to an answer eventually. Turns out it's both a lot more complex, but also a lot simpler, than I had thought. Do what feels right for YOU to do, in the moment; what that is, changes with time and life.

I also call it "pursue the path of least regret". You will always regret what you didn't do and the consequences of what you did/didn't do. Choose whatever you feel you will least regret later. For me, that's pursuing my happiness and peace, healing and finding contentness. <3

kels and I have been calling each other "my wife" recently. The wedding might not be until October 31st 2025, but while that will be a ceremony and a piece of paper, for all intents and purposes, we may as well already be married. Together, forever, for the rest of eternity. <3

We are happy. We are doing well. We are content.

And I have thought a lot about the future, and the people in it.

I've been reflecting a lot on friendship.
This might sound a bit harsh, but it's ultimately a hard truth I was forced to learn.
I will never again make the mistake of tiering friendships, but, I want to express how there's three groups of people for me, which are essentially "how much energy/time I'm willing to give them." (Able will always sadly be lower.)

The first group, who I will give literally anything and everything to, are those who have seen me at my lowest and stuck with me. They've seen my darkest aspects, all of my negative traits, every trait of mine SEEN as something negative...and chose to stay. They supported me, and have reciprocated the love I give them with their own when I most needed it. They didn't care about my failings. They cared about their friend.

I twice nearly caved to suicidal impulses in the last year. Those people saved my life. I owe everything to them. And I can never pay them back. They saw the real me, before I could. I dealt with crippling anxieties, depression, and imposter syndrome where I thought myself a monster--and every friend cutting me out only fueled those thoughts. I trusted their judgement, and they judged me problematic, and I didn't want to live because who wants to be a source of pain? I didn't want to.

Every person who heard how horrible I was, but then rather than believe it, heard me out, listened to me, supported me, who valued the friend they knew rather than the threat to communities they heard I was, who valued me over my darkness, who saw the light in me when all I could see was my shadow? They have helped me grow, see my strength, and heal. I owe them my life, quite literally, and will give my all to them.

The second group is those who likely never knew what I was going through, or at least, not the full extent. These are the people who never heard the other side. The people who never heard about any problematic behavior I had allegedly done. They never saw my darkness, they never heard of the harm I caused, they never knew of any hurt, of any alleged behavior I had shown worthy of canceling, of being cut out. They never knew.

Whether they would care or not doesn't really matter. Maybe they'd join those who cut me out. Maybe they'd join those who stuck with me. The thing which makes me value them is that they still helped me, in my lowest times. These people supported me and gave me love and vibes during my lowest times, regardless of how they may not have known how badly I was in need of their love.

These people helped save my life, despite not knowing my life needed to be saved, or not knowing why, or not knowing that I had that darker side that I had almost lost my life to the consequences of it. And so, I will always owe them a debt of gratitude, and will do whatever I can for them. I might not be able to give them all of my heart and soul, but anything I can give them, I will, because they deserve that and more.

Then there's the third group: all potential future friends. Which is...almost every human. There's people I would never want to befriend, there's people I could never befriend, but by and large, I treat everyone as if they are a potential future friend, because you never know...one day, they might be! After all...most humans are worth befriending. The limits of time/energy as well as circumstances of needing a way to have met and connected limit us, but...

...The way I see it. Those limits, sad as they are, don't change the truth about the individuals. They are worth befriending. They are worth being friends with. They are funny, they are quirky, they are talented, they have interesting lives, they have love, they have ways they support people, they are good, they try to do good, and left to their own devices, are passionate about a lot of interesting things, with all those skills they never think actually are, but which truly are.

One of my greatest sadnesses is that all of the people with those traits, I will only know a fraction of a fraction of them. In my lifetime, I will only know a few thousand people, and be close with a few hundred or so. (Might be off by one zero, could be few ten thousand and close to a few thousand, but you get the sentiment.) The people worth knowing number in the billions.

I can never be friends with everyone. Barriers exist. Vibes not matching, languages not connecting, places too far removed, time/energy, circumstances, etc. You get the idea. But most people are worth being friends with, even if I can't actually be friends with them. So I treat them all with the energy to match, because they deserve it in their life.

And, yes, this group also includes those who cut me out when they heard about my darkness and believed it true. I have faith the truth will come out, probably sooner rather than later, without me needing to go public about what actually went down in 2023 to cause all of the hurt. I kinda feel by vibes it's likely in or before 2026. Some time within the next two years, I feel, time will be kind to me and my fiance for what happened last year. We'll be vindicated then.

A lot of misinformation got spread, from either outright lies or truths maliciously portrayed as being something sinister that never was there. I feel, without me needing to self-advocate publicly, without me needing to come forward, people will on their own realize "...wait...", and then things will fall into place as to how the public at large was led to be agents in bullying and harassing two people to the point where they both nearly self-unalived twice each.

A lot of the people who thought they were doing the right thing by cutting me out will realize what I was a victim of and realize to their horror they were taking part in that campaign with their choices, especially if they spread that version of me to others who then acted on it themselves.
They were hurt, but they were hurt by a version of me that never actually existed. They were hurt by a fictional version of me spread maliciously behind closed doors. That hurt was real, yes.

But what was also real is that I was exactly the friend and community member they had always known publicly. I was exactly what they saw on a daily basis. What was there was exactly what it seemed to be: a loving, supportive person, spreading joy and positivity, making silly jokes, uplifting people, trying to be there for them. And while I certainly have my failures, that is who I always was, and I've only gotten BETTER at being exactly that over the last year or so.

When the truth comes out, about how all of the bad things they thought I was, were all from me just trying to do the right thing and being my natural supportive, loving self? A lot of the people who cut me out may have a lot of thoughts, thoughts I can only imagine what they will be.

But on my end...they never stopped being my friends and found family. They made the decision to cut me out, but at any point, they can make the decision to want me back in their space...and I will happily welcome them back into mine, because I hold no ill will to them, no bad feelings. I love them. I wouldn't be very loving if I rejected them when they were trying to do the right thing and/or acted from a place of having been hurt.

I know a lot of them will feel awkward, or feel like they can't rebefriend me, or feel guilt, or feel unworthy, or feel like they cannot make amends, or so on or so forth. And maybe they never want to reconnect, feeling like too much has changed, that we've drifted apart naturally and the things we bonded over no longer bond us together. You know, the things which friendships end up dissolving over with time naturally.

And that's valid! But for any who have any part of them that may want to reconnect...I will happily do my part to.
Past friends can become future friends, just as past strangers can become future friends. The process may be different, the results are the same. Everyone is a potential future friend to me. Well, just about everyone. (You get the idea.)
And thus, all potential future friends get the same treatment from me; I try to give them as much as I can, within reason.

I can't give people as much time or energy as I want. But they all deserve it. I hate having to prioritize, because I can't do everything. But I will continue to do all that I can, for all of them, because humans are great. They are creative, passionate, supportive, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, funny, and great at giving vibes. I love them all.

I have such love to give to the world. Time, energy, ability, and circumstances limit my ability to give it, but the world deserves that level of love regardless of whether I actually give it. And I truly hope everyone reading this can receive some love themselves. You deserve it. <3

Both kels and I are doing fantastic, overall. In every way, save for one, our lives are as good as can be, pretty much.

That one way is, in the grand scheme of things, a small bump in an otherwise wondrous road filled with happiness. But it's why blogging hasn't been happening regularly, and a stressor, which has caused the closest thing me and my wife-to-be have ever gotten to a fight. It's something leaving us frustrated, angry, stressed, and often, feeling a bit hopeless and trying to figure out what we can do. And...we don't really know, honestly.

And that one thing is finances.

Along with the stress of work, particularly my frustratingly terrible work schedule not to mention a work environment where I am feeling like I'm basically one small misstep away from potentially losing it, despite how screwed we would be without it.

I can't go into detail too much about my work stressors, but I can mention that my current schedule is horrible. All-day Sundays (early morning to evening, legit takes ALL of the day), Monday Mornings, then Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday evenings. Which is a horrible schedule. I do not like it. If I wasn't an Aquatic Lead and if I didn't need the money desperately, I would be setting a hard work boundary. Making it set so I can ONLY work the morning shift, NOTHING ELSE.

The only reasons I haven't done that is because I feel like as an Aquatic Lead if I were that inflexible I wouldn't be an Aquatic Lead, and that I need money so I need all the shifts I can work.

But, to be clear. I do not like those shifts. The culture of the shifts is worse. It's more chaotic, more hectic, rather than chill. It has a lot more kids a lot more consistently. It doesn't have the schedule I prefer. It doesn't have the patrons I have rapport with. It leaves me with less free time every single day, and said free time is at a worse time of the day for me. All of my friends work morning shifts and are free in the afternoon to evening. With me working night shifts, I'm working during the time they are free and free during the times they are working. So...I am unhappy with work, in numerous ways.

And work has left me severely burnt out--thus the struggle to do daily tasks like blogs. I haven't been able to sit down and just let my thoughts out, both the bad and all of the good.

And finances remain terrible. My fiance has been looking for a job for over a year, to no success so far. Our life expenses have been draining finances for the entire time we've had an apartment together. I've twice received temporary lifelines. Once, from my parents bailing me out. A second time, from a friend repaying a loan I gave them. But those lifelines have run out. And the gradual drain is about to put us in the red. I don't care about money, because money is just a tool used to obtain things, and I care more about happiness and living my life than money. But...there IS a bare minimum needed to live life, and currently...we are below it. And about to run into the red because we are below the minimum.

And like...there's ways to get more out of the money we have. There's money-saving things we probably would be eligible for! ...If not for the fact our lives are being sucked out by my current work schedule draining our souls. The two problems build off each other. I'm working to the point of being beyond exhausted, which leaves me unable to pursue the means to optimize our income, which feeds into the problem, essentially.

And...I just want to break this downward financial spiral. We need to have a little bit more, both in time and in funds. We are so close to having stability across ALL aspects of our lives. If we aren't constantly worried about going into the red, then I can safely afford to cut back on work. And with me not burnt out, then we can see what we can qualify for, what we can optimize, what we can budget, basically get a stable routine we can consistently follow. We can begin to save, while also still living life in the moment with small luxury expenses here and there.

We are SO CLOSE to having that. We just...aren't there right NOW, and that's causing a lot of anger, stress, and frustration, because we know we are so close to having all of our plans begin to work out...but right now, they're not. Right now, we keep on having to make sacrifice after sacrifice, hard choice after hard choice, limit after limit, disappointment after disappointment. And we're close to the brink, especially with how we don't have much hope of breaking this cycle completely on our own. We're going to need help, despite how much we hate asking for help.

​So...that is the main hurdle right now.

But, I do want to reiterate. In all other aspects, our lives are going well. Kels might be frustrated wedding planning has taken a backseat due to the financial stress, but we are by and large? HAPPY.

Mentally, I have been fantastic. While there's been a couple brushes with depression, I am highly content.

I truly believe time will vindicate us both. All of the misinformation maliciously spread about us will be exposed. The lies and malevolent half-truths will be exposed as having been exactly that. The truth will come forward, and people will realize that we are exactly the kind, caring, compassionate people we always appeared to be. That we were people pleasers, who cared about our communities more than anything else, that we would do anything for our friends, that we would give all the love and support to those we care about, and that all of the things we were accused of ended up perverting those acts of love to be something sinister they never were.

I have gone on a great healing journey. I've learned I was always better than I gave myself credit for, I was trying my best at the time, and was just trying to do the right thing. I've recognized, yes, I did make mistakes...but I've learned from them, grown, and as good as I was back then, I am BETTER now.

I have become more loving and supportive than ever before.

I have become more driven and passionate than I was.

I have more to share with the world than I did before.

I spread joy and positivity in all the spaces I am in.

And I am manifesting my marriage to my future-wife. When I look at my fiance, I see them as my wife. I am manifesting us having the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025. The witchy yet still somewhat traditional wedding, in a venue we both like, that has some of those closest in our lives. Not everyone can come, of course, but those that do will get to see that love, that humor, that joy, that positivity, as we vow to be together, forever, for the rest of eternity.

I am okay with life, being fairly chill. I'm content with what we have. I don't need to have all my dreams come true. I just need to live life, moment to moment, and with the love of my life by my side, who I give all the everything to. They are my greatest source of happiness, and the person who makes me feel alive.

We are living. We are having fun. We are enjoying events. We are enjoying the presence of each other. And we have wonderful friends who remain in our life and are great.

​We just need that little bit extra to secure the rest of our lives together, where we will be able to get everything we want rather than needing to make the hard choices and sacrifices and being overwhelmed and burnt out.

And to that end...

...I have opened commissions on my ko-fi.

And Chloe the bunnygirl, one of our two main fronters, is launching a Patreon of her modeling and dancing.

​This month, I don't need much to get by. $50 - 200 should do the trick.
And we're pushing, hard, to get to a place where this is the last month where we struggle this badly.
But, we are in a place right now where we need that little bit of help.

And all we can really say is...we are hoping to repay the kindness, generosity, and love showed to us, when we are in a place where we have the stability to do so.

I want to repay all of the kindness and love and support we have given.

And I believe I can, and will. I believe in my ability to succeed. I have ideas for music, content creation, songs, and books. I believe I will become a published author, and potentially a musician, or at least a composer.

I know I won't be able to make everything I want to. Not all the art, webcomics, stories, etc. But I also know I can make at least the ones which matter most to me. I believe in my ability to make them. I just need a small final boost to get into the situation where I am set up to succeed in making them.

Thank you for bearing with me, and being on this wonderful journey. When we get through this struggle...we will be set up for so many wonderful things. <3

Part of it has been the challenges of life, in particular, a shifted work schedule. There's a reason once the July schedule hit, I suddenly became a lot less available; work was keeping me that way, and still is this month too.

I've been exhausted, with no time or energy.

And, part of it has just been that I have too much to say.

I haven't been blogging in part because I haven't had the time to unpack what I wanted to say.

I suppose I'll start with saying this.

I love the world. I love the people within. I love people. I love humans. I love the communities I am in, and I loved the communities I no longer am in. I love my friends, and I love the people who once called me friend. I love everyone, to varying degrees. And I think that's important to note.

I can't say it as eloquently as when I was telling it to someone else who needed the reassurance, but our society has had a tendency to over-correct for certain behaviors. For instance, the term lovebombing is wonderful to know. The moment we knew what the term lovebombing was, we could identify lovebombing as lovebombing, and cut out the toxic manipulative people using it as a manipulation tactic. A good thing, to be sure...

...But then, people over-corrected. And started calling perfectly normal, healthy behavior, lovebombing.

Gift-giving can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love, it's a way to draw people in, it's a way to get them to trust you, etc. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Can. Gift-giving is not inherently manipulative. Gift-giving is not inherently lovebombing. Gift-giving is a love language. Many people give gifts to express their love, regardless of what the type of love that is, and they are not manipulative or manipulators.

It's important to recognize the distinction between the two. Lovebombing is a manipulation tactic manipulators use to gain something. But gift-giving is also something can do to express their unconditional love, and that is one of the most beautiful forms of love there is.

Showering with affection can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love. It's a way to make people feel loved, appreciated, but then to exert control by making that love have requirements, or to have that love be for a purpose. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Showering with affection is not inherently manipulative. This one is actually more important to realize and recognize, because while gift-giving is understood as a form of love language fairly easily (we give gifts on birthdays and Christmas and to loved ones and to significant others all the time), as a society we tend to have been numbed to genuinely complimenting people with pleasantries beyond the standard.

But all the same, showering with affection IS a love language, a la Gomez Addams showering his wife with unending praise and affection. There tends to be a stigma about "showing with actions rather than words", and that the words of showering with praise aren't actions, but those words when backed by time, investment, and consistency ARE actions. They are a form of showing how much you love someone by finding and crafting the words that demonstrate it.

There was a time when we had an understanding of this in some form. Writing poetry was seen as a grand romantic gesture, of displaying true love. Similarly so for songs. But when you take it into a different medium of just speech, people tend to think that somehow, it's not the same level of having been made and crafted with words. What you say, what you take time to write, what words you decide to make into praise, all of those? They ARE a love language.

And many people, myself included, gift words, showering with praise, as our way of expressing love, regardless of what type of love that is. It's particularly the case for me because I'm not talented enough to create gifts for people and even if I were I don't have the time to invest because I can't make them quickly. It's not a skill I have, not naturally at least. I can't give monetary gifts either because I'm basically broke. My financial situation continues to be terrible, so I can't give gifts.

So...what can I give? Not crafted gifts, not bought gifts, what way of expressing love do I have left? ...Words. That's all I have. Words, to express myself, to give my love to all in my life, and to show how much I care about them. Spreading joy and positivity, with words of encouragement, of support, of laughter, of love. 

And while my imposter syndrome will tell me I am a manipulator...that the skills of manipulation are so ingrained in me that I can't not manipulate people...

...if I am actually honest with myself...

...I am not a manipulator by taking the time to craft my words. I'm just choosing the best way to express myself, to express my love, and am being considerate, kind, and caring.

And I think that's important to recognize.

Which...brings me to the next thing.

I have such love of people, and I truly wish to see the best in them all.

I have this belief. "Most humans are good, but all humans are imperfect." Most humans are good, but all humans are flawed. Most humans are good, but all humans make mistakes.

And I try to live my life understanding others with compassion, empathy, and truly trying to see their perspective. I don't believe in "sides" for most issues, because there's not sides to be taken; there's perspectives to understand and then process to form our own. There's no judgement, there's only processing information and deducing things from it.

And...like, I'm pretty good at understanding. I'm pretty good at seeing the other perspectives. I'm pretty good at filling in the gaps, seeing their viewpoints, etc. But not perfect. And the only way I can get better is by people sharing, so I can know. Communication is a skill which seems to have been by and large lost. There's breakdowns of conversations, rather than trying to work through the issues.

I know it seems unrealistic, but the stereotypical Disney Channel Original Movie (or similarly so for shows reaching a climax of episodes and especially seasons) have a cliche:
Character A lays out the flaws of Character B, but apologies for their own, understands them, and tries to make it up.
Character B apologies for their flaws, understands them, lays out Character A's flaws, but understands them, and wants to make it up.
This can go back and forth for a bit, but then...

...something magical happens:
...They reconcile through this. By acknowledging their faults and shortcomings, but sharing their perspective to not be walked all over, calling the other side out, but understanding them, the communication doesn't break down, and they hug, and then things are good again.

...It sounds unrealistic, doesn't it?

...But my question is; why?
Why can't we do exactly that?

Why isn't that exactly how we SHOULD do things?

Why should we need to cut ties with people, why should we need to end things, why should we need to distance ourselves?

Obviously, we can choose to, if reconciliation is truly impossible.

But why is there such a societal pressure where you NEED, you MUST, cut ties, rather than trying to heal?

Why CAN'T we resolve it like characters from a Disney Channel Original Movie?
Why can't we talk it out, with us establishing our perspective, but accepting the perspective of others? Why can't we admit we could be mistaken in some areas but stand firm in saying we aren't mistaken in others? If both sides do so and there aren't irreconcilable cases...

...Why can't we keep the people we love, as people we love?

I genuinely don't understand why the instinct is to cut out rather than to hold conversation.

I get cutting out people who were actively harmful and toxic. That needs no explanation. But why would you cut out a loved one for what amounts to something which wasn't that level of harmful and toxic? Why is EVERY hurt met with "distance, cut out"? Why is EVERY pain met with that level of withdrawal and giving up on keeping the person as a loved one? That's what I don't get. If the love is there...isn't it worth trying to keep?

​So on my end...I try to keep the line of communication open. To understand, to try and get it.

But there's some things I can't get, and they challenge my perspective on people being good.

There are people who I want to believe are good, yet flawed, but...sometimes, those people take actions that I can't figure out how they could be taken by a good person.

Which brings me to the main thing I wanted to say.
And it's sharing, without namedropping, a dilemma I've had.

I've considered going public about what happened last year, from March 21st 2023 through July 2023 with some spillover that has followed us to this day. As a form of self-advocacy, to explain in public our perspective when almost nobody was willing to hear us out. (The only people who did were close friends.) Yet...another reason I've considered going public is because if I am wrong about the people being good...then they have red flags that are alarming, dangerous, and could continuously cause harm if not addressed.

I want to be clear. I am intent on moving on. My fiance and I want to move on, rebuild our lives, and not dwell on the past. We want to be happy. We want to enjoy life, be content. We are much loved by our friends, and I in particular have a lot of love to give. I want to spread the love to those who will allow me to, pursue my creative endeavors, and basically live life.

I don't want to go public anymore. Despite how I got a reading which said it would go really well, despite how I believe me going public would enlighten people, shed some light on things, make people reconsider, and essentially launch an entire inquiry into how things happened the way they did and how the lies about us spread as they did. I know good would come from sharing...but I don't want to, because I instead want to share on moving on, on protecting my peace, on healing, on becoming better, stronger, more empathetic, more learned, and more incredible and wonderful a human than ever before.

Yet it does bear mentioning.
There are some red flags I want to at least air out.

Most of the red flags are things I can think of innocent justifications for.

There's one or two that I cannot.

So I will share at least this much, without namedropping names. Those who read this blog will likely know the names, although nobody reads my blog. But if anyone were to, they would likely know who I am talking about.

Last year, my fiance was a mod for a streamer.
That streamer has a sizeable community.
Some of those community members are friends, and last year, I was invited by a community member to be part of their private friend server. It's on that community member's server that my fiance and I bonded, becoming closer friends.

On March 21st, an artist for that private friend server (who made emotes for it) as well as a couple of others had some complaints about the streamer we had all met and become friends through. The server owner created a subthread for it, which ended up having eight people involved, or thereabouts. The server owner, their partner, the artist who was also a VIP, myself, my fiance, a friend, and a couple of other long-time community members.

​For five months, we had various criticisms of the streamer in question. And ultimately, the character of the streamer in question is important here.

Because there's two extremes.

On one extreme, the streamer in question is a good person, better than most, and we were forming an echo chamber focused on the flaws and amplifying them. We were fully in the wrong for basically everything we did, despite our criticisms having provably had some merit.

I...can't find myself believing this extreme, at least not in its entirety.

On the other extreme, we were whistleblowers. We were compiling a list of red flags that would have helped to expose just how problematic the streamer in question is. We were in denial about how problematic the streamer was, and in our good intentions when we were trying to help the streamer be better, we were looking from the wrong mindset. We all believed the streamer was a good person so we assumed the red flags were just small things that were issues, rather than the red flags they actually were.

We would, in having wanted to believe the streamer was a good yet flawed person, have had all the evidence but not known the importance of the evidence.

​What's scary about this extreme is that my only reasons for not believing it are my own philosophy and wanting to trust in the judgements of others.
I want to believe the streamer in question is a good person, just flawed, even despite my fiance saying they aren't a good person. (I want to be clear my fiance does not see the streamer as this extreme. My fiance thinks the streamer is a lousy person, but also doesn't think they are actually monstrous, which is the extreme I laid out above.)

​And...the streamer in question is very close to dozens upon dozens of people who have made these kinds of judgements before. All of them have cut out former toxic "friends" who were problematic, and have gotten very good at identifying warning signs. So, if all of them trust the streamer in question and think the streamer in question is good...then surely, they can't all be wrong, right?

So like...my own philosophy as well as wanting to trust in the collective ability of others tells me that the streamer in question would be closer to the former than the latter extreme.

...Yet...

...At the same time...

...These same collective people who judge the streamer in question as being good, are the same collective people who judged me and my fiance as being problematic enough to need to be removed from their spaces. If I want to believe myself not problematic, then I must by extent believe that collective judgement can be wrong. That it was wrong about me, and overly harsh on my fiance. If I am not problematic enough to warrant removal, then a collective judgement saying I am would be wrong, and therefore, if I believe myself to not be problematic (and on my better days I do believe myself to not be problematic), then I must believe,
"They got it wrong once...they could have gotten it wrong again."

​There is also the fact a highly spiritually attuned person had their instincts scream at them something was horribly, horribly "off" about the streamer in question. Every time they attended that streamer's streams, something felt WRONG to them. They had a strong reaction to the streamer, without knowing WHY. And because of how spiritually attuned that person is, because of how good their instincts are, they are someone whose instincts influence me.

​And that pushes me away from the former extreme and closer to the latter.

Then there are the red flags I can't ignore, I can't justify.

The streamer in question modded my fiance when my fiance was 22. They sent and offered my fiance gifts, on multiple occasions. They repeatedly called my fiance their friend, over and over again, until my fiance was browbeat into believing the streamer was their friend. Again, this was INITIATED BY THE STREAMER, not by my fiance. My fiance didn't say they were friends until after countless times of the streamer calling my fiance their friend.

​The friendship was initiated by the streamer, and propagated by the streamer. Not inherently a red flag, except...

...The streamer spread that my fiance had a parasocial relationship with them. When it was the other way around, the streamer had a parasocial relationship with my fiance. The streamer spread the idea that my fiance has issues thinking streamers are their friend, when the friendship was initated BY THE STREAMER.

And...I can't explain why the streamer would lie about my fiance that way. I KNOW the streamer called my fiance their friend, on numerous times. I remember being on stream and on discord and seeing them repeatedly call my fiance their friend. And if I as a casual viewer remember, then other viewers would, too. The proof that the streamer REPEATEDLY called my fiance their friend exists...yet they lied, and spread the idea that my fiance made it up, that my fiance was delusional for thinking themself friends with the streamer in question.

That kind of red flag, I can't justify. And we have proof of this too. We have proof of the streamer calling my fiance their friend, of offering and actually giving things to my fiance. So why did they lie about it, and how come everyone believed the lie? That's a big gigantic red flag that I cannot find any good person justification for. Why would the streamer spread a lie which caused my fiance to be effectively removed from every space they cared about overnight? I know they did, I just can't think of a valid reason to.

​Then there is something my fiance told me about a conversation.
One of the people to ban my fiance said that my fiance had blocked the streamer on discord, and ran to that person, essentially. But...the thing is...
...That couldn't have happened. The one platform the streamer is friends with my fiance is on discord. Even if my fiance no longer shared servers with the streamer in question (my fiance had left the discord when things were going down), being discord friends with the streamer in question would bypass that discord limitation and allow conversation. There's no way the streamer could have attempted to talk to my fiance and failed.

So, why did the streamer claim that my fiance had blocked them? It couldn't have been a mistake, or misunderstanding, because on discord by being friends you are given that ability to communicate and to this day the streamer is still friends with my fiance. At literally any time, they could send a message to my fiance, and vice-versa. Why did it get spread that my fiance had blocked the streamer? I can't justify that.

​Then there is the contents which initiated this. My fiance got illegally recorded in a private discord call with someone they considered a friend. (And, yes, it was illegal, because discord counts as a communication line and my fiance was in a two-party state at the time which requires consent. They never gave consent to be recorded, and therefore the recording was illegal. Pointing this out is pointing out a fact. The person taking the recording broke the law. My fiance was within their legal right to have access to the recording and to take legal action against having been recorded. That is also a fact. Pointing that out is just pointing out facts. What matters most for the character of my fiance is that at the end of the day? They didn't pursue legal action...again, because WE WANT TO MOVE ON.)

​My fiance never got access to that recording, but they very clearly remember what they said. They remember saying that if they were to publicly criticize the streamer on twitter, that they would be accused by people on twitter of being a racist. Which is true. Twitter is a cesspool, and valid criticism of terrible people is often said by toxic twitter residents to be bigotry.

Yet somehow, that got spread as my fiance having said the streamer is racist. Despite my fiance swearing they never said that. We don't have access to the recording so obviously we don't know what the recording said, but my fiance SWEARS they remember, crystal clearly, their EXACT wording. And I've heard them recite their exact wording multiple times. I could even write it here on the blog. They know what they said, or at least they genuinely believe they do, and what they swear they said doesn't match up with what the streamer claims they said.

I can KINDA justify this one. My fiance is human, and could be mistaken about what they said. What they said might have had a wording more ambiguous than they remember, and that more ambiguous wording could be interpreted as something along those lines, maybe. But that requires maybe after maybe, when my fiance is very very sure about what they said.

​And then there was something that involved the friend server owner and their partner talking to me.

During the 5 months this was all going on, my fiance repeatedly said they were on the verge of unmodding, and just leaving. They said this no less than 4 times being "this is my 13th reason" and being seconds away from having hit the unmod button. The friend server owner and their partner talked my fiance into not pulling the trigger on unmodding, on remaining a mod, on staying. Repeatedly. Every time my fiance was on the verge of quitting, the friend server owner and their partner would convince my fiance that we needed them to stay.

...Yet after the streamer in question talked to the server owner and their partner, between July 23rd and July 25th, the server owner and their partner in their messages to me tried to convince me that my fiance (friend at the time) was jealous of another mod being administrator in the streamer's discord and wanted that position back.

The VERY PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FIANCE NOT HAVING UNMODDED, tried to tell ME, someone who was there for all of these times they told my fiance not to unmod, that my fiance wanted more power in the community. And to this day, I cannot explain how the very people who KNEW my fiance was on the verge of leaving the community (my fiance has left the community of streamers they were overly frustrated with before, and was repeatedly on the verge of doing so again), tried to claim to me the exact opposite, that my fiance was trying to entrench themself and gain extra power, when that's the exact opposite of FIVE MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE we had.

I'm not sure if the streamer in question gaslit the server owner and their partner that badly to where they believed it,
The server owner and their partner were trying to gaslight me,
Or if it was a mixture of both.

But regardless, there was gaslighting going on and it wasn't from me or my fiance. I KNOW my fiance was only talked out of outright leaving by the duo of the friend server owner and their partner. I KNOW they didn't want power back. So I know that is another lie. The only thing I don't know is who propagated it.

If the streamer gaslit the server owner and their partner that hard, then it would be their lying, manipulation, and it would be an extra red flag because it would mean they were so convincing at lying that the two people who MOST should know my fiance wasn't wanting what was alleged, somehow got convinced they wanted it.

If the friend server owner and their partner just tried to gaslight me, then that means they willingly and deliberately propagated a lie they knew was a lie, just to try and protect their own interests and try and maintain their positions.

I don't know which is worse, but either way, one of them was gaslighting regardless. One of them tried manipulation regardless. And both are terrible positions that I cannot for the life of me find a justification for.

And...it's because of that, that I am beginning to be more in line with my fiance's view. My fiance doesn't think of the streamer as being the monstrous extreme I laid out above, but thinks the streamer is a terrible person, and...

...As much as I want to believe in the people being good...

...I can't find a way to justify the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation which left my fiance suicidal enough where they wrote out a note and were literally going to kill themself, with me as the only thing to save them.

In tandem with us having spotted red flags, which while they can have innocent justifications can also be...well, RED FLAGS...

...And me trusting that spiritually attuned person...

...I just...can't find myself believing in the better nature of the streamer.

They'd be at best in the middle, and closer to the monster extreme I mentioned.

And...that is why I know going public would do a lot of good. We could prove most of this. We could self-advocate to defend ourselves from the lies spread about us. We could potentially expose a monster who those with better resources could further investigate into.

...And yet...at the same time...I don't want to. I want the best success to be moving on without having needed to, essentially. The people who didn't let me and my fiance self-advocate were not worth investing time in because if they weren't willing to hear us out and if the result of them not having heard us out was a monster getting away with horrible things...then they aren't people I want to invite back into my life even if they ended up believing me.

I want to build my life, and let those that cut me out of theirs deal with the consequences down the line, essentially.

I want to live my life, move on, heal, and keep the friends who wanted to hear us out.

So, at the end of the day...it doesn't matter much.

I've aired this out. My belief, my love, my perspective, some knowledge bombs, etc. i've kept a lot generic including not disclosing the red flags we uncovered. But I just want it put on the record. If the streamer is ever canceled for being a problematic POS...we knew. We knew back in 2023. We were in denial because we wanted to believe in their goodness, but we KNEW. And my fiance was driven to nearly kill themself for the crime of having known, and been a whistleblower. But, again, that's only if the monster extreme is closer to reality.

I'll just leave this out there for posterity; time truly will tell. Either we were wrong, or we were right. If we were wrong, moving on is for the best. If we were right, it will come out with time, and the questions about why nobody listened to us back then will be asked when it finally does come to light.

Meanwhile, I will continue to spread joy and positivity and become a Breeacon of light, healing, helping, loving.

​Thank you for listening.