Today marked my family doing family things during family night.
And by that I mean being extreme transphobes.

As a reminder; I am out as trans.
They know I am a girl.
They still were, very very very openly, being fully transphobic.

This week I ended up not taking care of myself. I did one, one, workout correct, but failed to do a workout for 3/4 days.

I've not been brushing my teeth.
I've not taken a shower or changed my clothes.
I've not gotten sleep.
I've not been blogging.
I've not been streaming.

I had the last person I would ever expect to be pluralphobic (genuinely were a huge part of me realizing I am trans, AND, a huge part of me realizing I am plural), invalidate the identity of one of our system mates.

Heck I've lost my voice and might be sick.

No self-care.
No work done on anything.

I haven't even played my weekly ranked games!
No games.
No blogs.
No writing.
​No art.
Nothing.

I'm just...

I don't know how to live.

Need sleep now.
​Check schedule work tomorrow, need to also do stream stuff tomorrow (and shower), need to also get pay stuff for work done but sleep now. Super tired.

Yesterday was rather productive, but I didn't have time to do literally everything I set out to do. I had to pick and choose near the end what to focus on, and it wasn't on blogging.

Today? Today's been a waste. I went to pick up my medication, and...
...And that was it, I legit did nothing else of note.

Unless you count spending more time on twitter engaging in conversation which doesn't actually convince anyone to do any good and blocking a small percentage of people of which there are countless more. (I could never block them all.) Which I consider to be a waste of time. I do it because I am mentally unwell. I am severely depressed, I go onto twitter when depressed. (Twitter doesn't make my depression worse but it likely is adding stress.)

Twitter is a useful tool for, if properly cultivating things, becoming informed. Once you figure out the signs of people spreading things which you can ignore and block, what's left is legit informative. I sometimes lack context in things, but most of the time, I can actually become educated. If not instantly, than with time. (I struggle with non-US issues, generally speaking, but I'm slowly learning.)

Still though. Not a good place to be. Really really not a good place to engage. Activism might be valuable, but my words aren't gonna do much of anything there. Those I talk to, I'm either preaching to the choir or preaching to bad faith actors with no intent to change their bigoted ways. In either case, I make little to no difference, so my time would just be better spent...

...Literally anywhere else.

I should be working on things.

Maybe on internally looking at our plurality (we were close to identifying another voice, because we got a name--Minerva--and knew she was active, but instead of finding her voice we let it go).
Definitely should've showered.
Probably should've napped properly.
I'm not taking care of myself across the board.

Picking up my meds was nice, but that's all I did, and it was because I have no choice but to.

​I have more notes to write for farn, and I've done none of them.
I haven't kept up on discord, either.

So like.

I should be doing more.

​I'm not doing well.

So on Saturday, I had the ambitious hope that the stream I was doing then would finish the project I was on and then I could blog about the result. It's a map of our plurality throughout the ages. (Speaking of which, we found the voice and name of at least one punmaster in our system. Hermione is close to Joy and Ashe, with her puns making them both laugh.)

We, uh...didn't. xD

And yesterday we were just behind on things.

So like.

No blog for two days, sorry.

As-is this blog is late, is already past our bedtime, so...gotta be quick. Just the bare minimum.

​I wanna say better blogs will return, but like, don't make promises you can't keep Bree.

I'm just...in pain.
Bipolar Disorder has struck and both halves are in full swing--badly.

In many ways, today was productive. I did nothing yesterday due to exhaustion. Today, I accomplished almost everything I set out to do. (Slacked a bit on hygiene, still haven't worked on my novel, but otherwise have done everything.)

So today is not me calling my lack of work a failure like the norm.
No, today was a success.

Mostly.

It's just that.

Well.

If you know what the date of this blog correlates to, it shouldn't be that hard to understand.

I've been spending a lot of time and energy defending my right to exist, defending against bigotry.
I'm exhausted emotionally. Drained. Dead. It's just...stress. Pain. Frustration. Exasperation.

I shouldn't need to justify my existence at every stage.
I should have people able to trust me.
I shouldn't have to need to explain. I shouldn't need to be proactive. I shouldn't need to fight. I shouldn't need to argue.

But I do. Because people don't understand how bad anti-trans sentiment is right now and how strong bigotry and hatred of all kind are growing from apathy. I am not the best advocate. I am not the best person to explain things. I am not the best person to debate. But I couldn't stay silent. I couldn't.

And I am now drained as a result. Mania.

But the real pain comes from the realization that, after getting that exhausted, I've done nothing good. Nothing productive came from my advocacy of my existence. I accomplished nothing. I stressed myself. I exhausted myself. And all I did was drive a wedge in a community I love and cherish.

Nothing else. It was a waste. It hurt someone who I didn't want to hurt. (And they weren't who I was arguing with.) I knew it would cause damage. I mean, I didn't go in thinking "I know this will cause damage, but I'm going to do it anyway". It wasn't so much I knew and deliberately did, so much as I did it without actively knowing, but on at least some level I did.

​How many people do I hurt this way.

I'm in pain.

Severe pain.

I'm destroying myself.

I need to stop.

I needed to stop.

I just.

I kinda want to stop existing right now.

I've no real reason to.
But the pain, the guilt, the exhaustion, it's adding up.

I don't want to live right now.

I need help.

I badly need help.

Even if I am forgiven by others I can't forgive myself, and even if I could, the pain I'm feeling isn't triggered specifically by bad things. It'd be happening anyway. But it's certainly made worse by the events going on right now.

I normally don't speak up. I normally don't advocate. Days like today are exactly why I don't. I know how damaging it can be for me to try. Still tho. I felt obligated to speak up. Trans people are under attack in a way right now that I felt I needed to speak up about.

It's just.

​I exhausted myself. I tired myself. I stressed myself. All over it. And then debated. And the debate could cause harm. And did. So. I don't know. I just need to...hope and pray I guess?

What else can be done. I'm on my medication. I'm sleeping. I'm eating. I'm taking my multivitamins. I'm still feeling like I want to die after that. So all I can really hope for I guess is words of affirmation to prop me up, and like...time where I hope I can get better.

​I wish I was better.

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

I've been swampedddddd. Not getting enough sleep, doing a bunch of work...life's been hectic for me recently.

I've got a bunch of story work to do, because the number of stories to write for farn is officially increasing from two to three. And I'm actually working on expanding the roster of villains. (I've got a full roster of heroes, albeit heroes that I need to justify why they are doing what they do, but villains...I'm coming up short. So I've been working on fixing that. Mostly I need mooks since lead villains I mostly got covered.)

But like.

Just...need to survive the work week.

Today I spent $400 on clothes, which was all good clothes but the cost made me die inside a bit.

​Anyway, feeling sick to my stomach for some reason, so...gotta rest.

I've been, frustratingly, busy as of late.

I was on the last week of league/tft quests so needed to grind them, which ate up a lot of time.

I've been busy with work.

I literally had my car turn over sideways due to going into a ditch on Tuesday. (Surprisingly--as far as we can tell--the car is fine; I am fine. I'm not traumatized, but I am just frustrated and confused.)

I've been busy with stuff.

I don't even remember what.

Just.

I've not had free time. I don't even know why. I've had objectively more time but objectively have been getting less done. I did things. I was doing things. I just don't remember what they were. I was really busy.

Now, granted. Life stuff has happened. We're up to knowing the name of four voices that aren't soulbounds like Vee and Ruby. (Morgan, our Aussie; Bella, our southerner; Ashe, our high-pithced 'hiiiiiii' voice; and now, Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice.)

We've been doing at least some work on our novel.

We've done a little bit of work on our castle in minecraft.

We've done stuff, but we've been left quite busy.

This week started promising in terms of health between both showering and brushing teeth and now I've done neither.

I've not streamed this week and between picking up a shift on Sunday and the staff meeting tomorrow, I probably won't, which is frustrating.

So like.

​Just not a great week.

Doesn't mean I'm happy we basically did nothing.

We did get our laptop maybe functional again (we need to actually test things out), we got med refills and bought headphones while there, and we got closer to caught up in or vod uploads (two away from caught up I believe).

​And I guess we got a few of the placement games (not all of them I don't think) done in the team mode of teamfight tactics, so that's good I guess. (We want to get to platinum in tft, to get blue in hyper-roll, and to have enough games to be fully placed in double-up.)

But like.

Not really a productive day. I did do a bit of a story note, but no writing, no editing.

Today was largely a wasted day. I don't even remember what we wasted our time on (I think it might've been reading TVTropes?), but we weren't really productive.

We did download the audio for potentially adding alerts to our stream (altho we need to get that whole thing set up and currently don't have it), and we actually did work on the writing of our novel (rather than writing down notes and worldbuilding/character building), but even that was just editing.

We also got our laptop functioning again, which opens us up to potentially doing streams on it. Speaking of streams, we're nearly caught up on our youtube video uploads of them. I believe we're at 80/85? So like--at a couple uploads per day or so and accounting for extra streams, and we should in theory be caught up within a week.

We ended the night by indulging in Civ 3, playing a single turn all the way out.

We had planned to stream, but a few things got in the way. First was not wanting to not be part of the vibes for one particular stream (and even now, we're enjoying the vibes of a different stream that they raided in to). We could have done a stream, but we made the choice that the vibes of that stream were worth more.

After our parents came home at 4, we could've started stream, but right now, we're thinking it's best not to. We have a medication to pick up, and while we go to the pharmacy, we're hoping to pick up a few extras. (Lotions, tea, headphones, maybe a mic?

So like.

We could've done a lot more than we did.

It's not a nothingness day because if someone were to look at what we listed above, they'd say it was great, it was incredible, I did a ton, etc. But it's still disappointing, yaknow? We did basically nothing and wasted a golden opportunity to be productive. Tomorrow will be a short day (due to work on Monday), made shorter by a need to visit the pharmacist to get my medication.

Today was a day we could've done nearly 20 hours' of work, and instead, we did like...two, maybe? About half an hour for the laptop, about half an hour for the audio, about an hour for the novel, and then paltry amounts of time per video. (They take basically no time to put the info in, the rest is the upload/processing which is why we get a rate of like 1 video per 3 hours or so.)

So like--having two hours out of twenty means we were only at 1/10th of the productivity we should've been at.

Disappointing. Not shattering. But still a let-down.

Ah well.

​Is what it is.