All Too Human
All Too Human
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Rambles, Rants, and Musings

Speaking of life tho...

5/12/2022

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Do I talk about what I am feeling sad about, or about story stuff?

Let's do the former, I guess.
Picture
So this is me, with my life.

I have friends online (not irl, friendless there), but while we call ourselves friends, we don't actually interact or do the things friends online do.

I'm not the person people ask to game with; I'm not the person people make friendly consensual jabs at (where you can poke fun at each other); I'm not the person who knows offstream things about someone; I'm not the person people go out of their way to interact with.

I'm just the person people like when we both happen to be around in the same area at approximately/loosely the same time by happenstance.

Which, mind you: is not a bad thing, that's still a good thing, it's just...it's all that I am, when I could be more, but am...just...not.

I've seen countless friend groups show me the dynamic which is one of my deepest most fundamental desires. They talk to each other, they game with each other, they remember things about each other, they KNOW things about each other, they joke with each other, etc.

For those that stream, I can sum up the dynamic thusly: A streamer gets made fun of by their chat for the things they do, say, or mention onstream. A streamer gets made fun of by their friends for the things they have done/said OFF stream.

Those inside jokes, that humor privy only to the friend group unless otherwise shared, is fairly critical. Friendship that extends beyond happenstance, which is actively maintained and reinforced by engaging with each other and vibing. I...have none of that. So this is my life.


Hearing news about a community member passing filled me with incredible sadness.
Because it hit me like a truck; I've been thinking about my life, my space in my communities, and what it'd be like if I suffered a demise, and it made me realize that I will be only a lesser version of a life like the one that was lost.
I'll never touch lives in a manner as profound, as kind, as that. And I probably won't even have anyone know I am gone-gone. If I were to die, nobody I care about would actually know. They'd notice I was gone, but they'd never know why I was gone.

I love them all so much. I want to give them so much. But the love and adoration I have for them, the support I want to give them, it's all just incredibly temporary. Us being in the same spot at the same time. It doesn't last. It doesn't persist. The feelings may, but the bond doesn't extend beyond 30 second interactions.

So I just...feel so alone.
I'm surrounded by friends, who I love and adore, and who call me friend and love and adore me, but I feel so alone.
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What happened to my time?!?

4/25/2022

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So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.
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Some battles I win, some battles I lose.

4/23/2022

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On the hygiene front, I'm doing about as badly as I can. My teeth are rotting because I'm not taking care of them, and I'm not taking a shower in spite of my last shower being on Wednesday, and I've only used shampoo/conditioner once in like two or three weeks (that being, on Wednesday).

In terms of things that I should be doing, I also haven't streamed at all, and haven't touched art since my drawing of Elemental Ruby, so there's a loss of momentum there.

I also haven't been doing the grinding that I need to do in Chrono Trigger (did a little yesterday but not enough), Final Fantasy VII, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5.

More than that, my notes keep piling up since I've not actually done the things I need to do in order to store the notes in their binders. (Well, one I got, the others, not so much.)

That having been said, I did complete the League and TFT quests, I did get my ranked game in for the week (I set a goal to do at least one ranked game per week), I did do mafia stuff that I have needed to work on including working on the modded game I want to run (tho speaking of a different kind of modding, still haven't done Civ 3, welp), and while my hygienic health has been utter garbage, my health in other areas I'm making strides in.

While I've been having an issue of sweating less and skin being warmer than it should be (presumably as a consequence of the less sweat) in spite of being hydrated and not being sunburnt, I have a doctor's appointment for it.

I also set a doctor appointment for psychiatry (at least I hope it is?), which might allow me to get a refill on my meds there.

I'm communicating more and networking more online so while I'm not nearly doing enough, I am doing more and more.

It's a slow and steady push, but it is in fact a push.
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Okay, today's just bloggers' block.

4/18/2022

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I just can't think of what to blog about. Games? Having done taxes? Game ideas? Story ideas? I just. I legit can't think of what I want to blog about, I can't focus on something for long enough to form a bloggable thought. Like, I will be thinking of things, and then I will think of things that are related to that which allow me to internally write it, but externally I just can't get those thoughts to flow into my words that I am writing.

These words that I am writing flow naturally. What I am writing now is second nature. It's fluid. It's natural. It's pouring out of my mind onto my keyboard. Basically raw thoughts, raw emotion, just written down as it comes out. What's the term, something about fluid thought? State of thought? There's a term that I should have memorized because it was popular in mafia games circa like 8 or so years ago OH got it, "stream of consciousness".

Right now I have stream of consciousness posting cranked up to 11. There's no preplanning of my thoughts. There's just freeform, where it's going from whatever feels natural to type that comes straight from my brain, almost no filter involved.

I do have more thoughts that are blog-worthy running through my mind, but they're not at the forefront. That might be a plurality thing at play where my body is more or less acting on its own, with the body writing the words and the minds that are my facets thinking more specific things with the core just being the things that take no effort to make and think, just flow, but like...

...I dunno, it's just that. Well. I prefer to have blogs that are somewhat preplanned, structured, where I know what I want to talk about, what will be involved, how I will say it, what it will be about, subjects covered, the indepth nature of them, etc. I don't really like to go with the flow like this one is but like.

Hey, at least it's better than not making one I guess?

In fact, sad and pathetic as it may be, this is probably the longest most indepth most "interesting" blog post I've made in weeks, maybe even months, because I've kept it going, even though I kinda loathe this sort of ramble. Like, most of my rambles have structure to them. A madness to the method, sure, but with method in the madness. They were chaotic, they were ADHD manifested with my inability to focus and having distracting thoughts come up.

But most of the time, even those rambles have structure between one thought and the other. I might not have the ideas tied together well, but I have the ideas neatly separated and the ideas are each coherent on their own even if they have no segue, no transition, involved from one to the other.

Yet this one just has none of that. It's just one continuous "mess", and while I realize this may be the most interesting blog I've written in who knows how long to some people, with some people loving this style for the freestyleness of it where you're getting my beginning-to-show-tiredness-but-not-yet-utterly-exhausted freeflow of word vomit, but like.

While I get that there's a market for that sort of content.
While I get that there is an audience who enjoys that sort of spew.

I, personally, as the one making it: hate it. It's not my thing. It's hard to follow, it's hard to read back later. Like, while I may have forgotten to do this in a long time, in theory I have plans to reread the entirety of my blog for tag-checking in order to get the tags there that need to be there.

Structured blogs like the ones I prefer are easy to sort through en masse, since sifting through them is as simple as looking at one topic then looking at the next.

This blog?

Will I ever be able to read this blog again?

Well in theory yes, maybe, but in practice, probably not, no.

And if I can't read my own words after I've written them, that's an issue, so that's why I hate what I am doing right now for a blog thanks to the blogger's block, in spite of knowing that it is interesting to some people. It's just not "my thing", but ah well. A blog's a blog, I guess.
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So far, so good...I think.

4/11/2022

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Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.
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Oops no bangers.

4/8/2022

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Today had an increased dosage in my estrogen but was otherwise a waste since I did none of the things I ought to have done, whooooops.

On the bright side, am now a higher LP in tft than I was before, and I progressed to quest 6/10 with three weeks left. (I need to make sure I finish the quest since I am a completionist.) I also managed to get all the weekly tft missions done, too, which will help me in my attempt to claim Zac III the way I got Mundo III.

Butstill, I did basically nothing.

Ah well.

It happens.
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Oops no blog.

4/5/2022

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I legit just forgot to make one until now for the last couple of days.

A lot of stuff has been happening. Breakthroughs in my plurality, realizations about my spirituality, and also game grinding. But unfortunately, I am trying to plan things smartly so I need to go to bed now in order to get to where I intend to be.
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Today tho? Very much did.

3/12/2022

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IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).

And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.

So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.

It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.

I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.

And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.

So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.

​But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.

I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)

After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.

Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?

But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.

I still have a clear idea of what I really want.

I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.

But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.

I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.

There was a time when I was a very nasty person.

So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.

But while I have continued to fail.

I still wish to try.

Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.

To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.

I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.

But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.

​Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.
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Okay so I didn't fail today.

3/11/2022

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Not badly, anyway.

I did fail to get something very important done on the mafia site for the future of that mafia site since it is a very important thing that I feel is incredibly important to the health and longevity of the site and users on it.

I did fail to get the elder drake in tft in spite of having spent 8+ hours in my attempt.

But I did get a stream done for the first time in nearly a month, beating technical difficulties along the way!

My computer did bluescreen on me (quite literally blue screen), so uh...that's not good, but I'll be sure to run system scans and such when I remember to do so (so, hopefully, if I am on top of things, tomorrow).

I also used the opportunity to finally record a test video for youtube, so I'm going to try and upload that to see if my youtube will work as-is or if it needs further tweaks.

I'll also need to add some form of technical difficulties/downtime command to my stream, too. Maybe both.

Buthey, I managed to get most of my commands working, I think!

​Got a lot to do still, but it's a decent day done.
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Stillllll need to do all the things......

2/19/2022

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I still need to continue my TFT grind. I did grind a little in FFVII getting the limit breaks I wanted but I need to get the max materia that I am chasing after.

I still need to write everything down.

I need to stay on top of hygiene better.

I've got a lot to do and no time today as I spent it all already.

Oh and tomorrow I need to stream. I need to remember to do that, too.

Probably will be doing an art stream, actually, but I need to download the art program I want to use. (I know that I should be learning Krita and I know that I replaced GIMP with FireAlpacca for a reason and Krita is allegedly better than both, but I don't know how to do what I want to do in Krita or FireAlpaca but I do know how to do it in GIMP.)

​So much I need to get done in such a short amount of time.
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