If not blogging in three weeks wasn't a tipoff, let me make it official.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am in shambles right now.

My bipolar disorder's depression has been rearing its ugly head a lot as of late.

My chronic health issues have gotten much much worse as of late.

And then on top of that all, I was in a car crash on Saturday May 13th. And my car got totaled in the process, and I am the one liable for it, and it feels like everything which could go wrong, has.
I'm barely sleeping.
I'm unable to eat much despite knowing I should.
I'm still getting hungry, yet not getting enough food.
I'm not losing weight, though, so that's good, but the fact that I'm not likely means the stress is causing me to keep the weight as fat.
I'm not working out.
It's been weeks since I was on ComicFury.
I'm not staying up to date on discord at all. Literally every server I'm in, I haven't read in days upon days.

I know at one point, I had a thought of, "I've given up on life."

Because these issues build on each other, compounding one another.
My lack of good rest has ruined my freetime.
No free time, no time to get good mental health.
No good mental health, no good physical health.
No good physical health, no good rest.

I just have so much being wrong right now and what I have right is...

...That I'm not failing harder I guess.

I'm sorry I've been so silent.
I'm just...unable to...to exist, pretty much.

​Yet, having no choice but to...is quite the struggle.

I've just been struggling to stay afloat.

I've been so so tired, and been struggling so so much to do even close to the bare minimum.

Realistically, I should be cutting back on the things I do, but like...

...everything I do is something I view as necessary, pretty much.

I need to work, so can't cut that out.
I need workouts, so can't cut them out.
I need dental hygiene and body hygiene, can't cut them out.
I need hair care, can't cut that out.
I need skincare, can't cut that out.
I want to blog, can't cut that out.
I need the vibes of places like ComicFury and streams and discord--I could cut them out in theory, but it'd tank my mental/emotional wellbeing. Those places replenish my soul.
​I need the mafia site for all of the things it gives me.

That doesn't leave a lot which I can cut out.

And yet, I can't maintain what I have.
It feels like the issue is physical--that what's dragging me down is a physical issue. So all I can really do is hope that my current pursuits help me get the physical issues be...less of them.

It's not much of a plan, I know.

I'm not sure what to do to be honest.

​Just trying my best to try my best.

I've said it elsewhere but to say it on my blog:

I've gotten bad issues which are hugely chronic.

My family has always had the issue of getting up causing loss of vision/dizziness/etc. when standing up and moving too fast.

In recent times what I have had has gotten worse.

One thing is that during the night, it feels like something which shouldn't be stopping--either my heart or my breathing--is stopping while I am asleep...and my body jolts awake because it needs to in order to resume the normal rhythm. This isn't a consistent thing but happens multiple times per week on average, about twice per week or so I reckon. And, no, it's not my tongue relaxing because I sleep exclusively on my side (I basically sleep in The Recovery Position. No really, the exact position you're trained to roll people into is the position I naturally sleep in and since that position is literally designed to protect the airway...), so it's something automatic shutting off which shouldn't shut off.

Another is occasionally rapid heartbeat even when resting, but especially after having gotten up, where my heartbeat shoots up by 20-40 b/pm.
Another is severe throbbing pain headaches, after having gotten up but lingering even once sitting down. Regardless of hydration/sleep/caffeine intake.
Another is loss of vision after going fully upright--I can be bent over, and just standing up straight can cause this; I can be sitting, and getting up causes this.
And then there's the chronic "I feel like I'm about to pass out", where I literally zone out, basically black out, which has been REALLY bad this week.

I was literally passing out. I've had it four days in a row badly, including today. I literally was falling asleep unwillingly. This has been a huge issue which has been getting worse and worse and it's more and more dangerous. (Because when it hits while I'm driving...)
And then there's the nausea I've been getting recently.
And then there's the severe dizziness/loss of balance/feeling like the world is spinning, after getting up, after activity, etc.

All of these seem to worsen with physical activity.
Some of them get better in certain conditions, but they're never going away. Every day has at least one of the issues, but it's all random. I can't do it on command.

So like...idk what's wrong with me. The doctors have no clue.
Cardiology has no clue.

My doctor did a basic metabolic panel, troponin, tsh, a comprehensive metabolic panel, a hemogram, and an ekg. The hemogram had a few things too low, but that was it. (I didn't get iron tested, but the doctor didn't think that my test results indicated an iron deficiency. Still, to appease my whining, my follow-through test had that added to the list.)
The cardiologist ordered an echocardiogram, and also is mailing a 1-week heart monitor thingamajig to me to wear and get data.

Tests, tests, tests. Followthrough followthrough followthrough. But they have no clue.

It's an issue, it's not going away, it's often getting worse, it's chronic, and I am very frustrated dealing with it. I struggle to function at work, when driving, when trying to game...it's making existence exhausting.

I literally went to bed last night due to blacking out for 20 minutes, so like...what's wrong with me.


All that said.
I've had a decent day today.
I got caught up in discords (although by their nature I can't keep up all day).
I posted on CF.
Didn't post on mafia, but will get to that tomorrow.
I'll need to bring supplies to shower tomorrow, to save water here at home.

Uh, I started art but need to keep doing more.

I've begun using a cream for breast growth, dunno if it will work but who knows, worth a try.
I need to make my coffee for tomorrow.
I need to do my best to stay afloat.

Probably need to schedule followthrough bloodwork, since the last test was at the end of last month, and this month is almost over.

Uh, anything else?

I dunno.

​I'm having A Time, but like--gotta keep doing my best to live.

I don't really know what to blog about, to be honest.
I've got things that I want to talk about. But, I don't know where to really begin, what to cover exactly, to be honest.
​I guess I should mention that things are going...okay, I suppose?

I've got lots of medical stuff coming up.
I've got a dentist appointment coming up.
I'm going back to counseling for mental health.
​I am working on better healthcare, for my hair and my teeth in particular.

I went to a doctor appointment to try and solve my issues regarding constant dizziness, lightheadedness, head spinning, vision blurring, loss of balance, etc. They didn't, and I have a cardiologist appointment.

I've got a dentist appointment coming up.

So like. I've got lots of things I'm trying to do for my body.

And in plurality things we continue to discover new facets. We're up to eleven.

Morgan the Aussie.
Bella the southerner.
Amanda, a deeper-voiced woman.
Joy, a source of energy and optimism.
Hope, a reassuring voice.
Ashe, a collective of littles.
Kat, part of the Ashe system, a cat.
​Ash, a guardian of Ashe, a nonbinary phoenix.
Miranda, who plays mafia.
Hera, who survives.
Hermione, who does puns.
And Danielle, the absorbed David.

​That, aside from confirmed soulbounds of Vee, Ruby, and Phyrra.

I'm wasting some time on TFT/League, but less so. Still got quests to complete, which means I gotta keep at it. But mostly doing other things.

I've tentatively reintroduced myself to ComicFury, integrating it into my daily routine.

I've been staying atop of discord and torn and a lull in mafia means I've been fine there, too.

​No shower today unless an opening comes up later tonight where there's a lull of nothingness, but been doing better overall.

Kongregate is back with new kongpanions, I missed out on the gold this week unfortunately but I'll be back next week to start playing the games again.

​I guess being active in blogging is good.

And, I'm working on writing things for farn, again. I'm only to January 22nd, but that's better than the 19th which is where I was before. The notes I'm gathering have a high level of redundancies, and are messy, and not very clean, buuuuuut...still, progress is progress.

I'm taking a break from there for less exhaustion, but...I am probably going back in. Because I feel like I can get caught up in transferring discord notes to my documents, and then from there start transferring my existing notes to their appropriate places, expanding things out as they should be.

That's the plan at least.

​​I have no clue what I'm doing to be honest.

This blog has been written over five hours, but...it's a start I suppose.

Gotta send an email to my father real quick about some tech stuff.

I've not worked on my story today, but I finally finally finally​ have reintroduced myself to ComicFury! Am slowly dipping my toes back in, cautiously.

Eventually I might disclose my plurality. CF was where I first became aware of me being trans, from them starting threads about it. I'm wondering if they had a plurality breakthrough as well during my absence, but if not...hoo boy would that mean my introduction would be awkward. So I'm being cautious about it.

Butyeah. Gotta keep working on story stuff and rl stuff.

I need to do my full workout tomorrow, maybe nap. If I leave work and get stuck in hard traffic because I left at like 4 pm: so be it. I've got nothing important tomorrow.

I also need to write a (fairly negative) medical review.

Gotta keep moving forward. Slow steps!

I mean. I have a whole laundry list of things I could comment on, I just...idk, don't really know what I feel like writing about on the blog today. I guess I go stream of consciousness style, or maybe bullet-point list of things, or maybe a combination of both? (Here comes the ramble tag. xD)

We went to our first counseling/therapy session in three years (last one was as the pandemic was starting, in 2020). Little has come from it so far, but the hope is it gets me moving in the right direction.
We didn't even get to mention our plurality since it never really came up. We're not hiding it from him since we trust our counselor who probably figured it out on his own, but like...we just haven't found a way to really bring it up and talk about it yet. With frequent therapy, one of our sessions might lead to the talk about it.

We do want to tell him, we just don't know how to just say "oh by the way, we're plural". We could maybe force it, but for counseling, I personally feel like discussion should be evolving fluently and be about the topics brought up as they come up. If there's an awkward pause, and nothing fills the gap, that might be a good time and with enough sessions it'll come up eventually, but we're in no rush.

We also got a doctor's appointment this week, attempting to discuss the issues we've been having.
We wrote out a full list of issues we have going on.
Not wanting to self-diagnose, we didn't tell them what we think is causing those, because they are generic enough that any number of things could be the cause.
But we didn't get them to read the list.

Put simply, ​Autism + doctor appointment where they don't read your pre-prepared notes + don't communicate with each other + engage in a way I struggle with = guess who isn't getting answers about her medical issues. (It's me, I am the girl not getting answers.)

I got a followthrough appointment for a cardiologist. (I'll attempt to tell them the issue, doubt they'll have any more listening to me than what I already got though.)
I got prescribed dizziness medication (honestly I'm debating not even bothering with trying to get it, yet alone take it, but who knows, I might try it just to see if it works even though I know it won't).

But it doesn't seem like they were really engaging me in a way conductive to diagnosing my issues.

They repeatedly asked about anxiety--yes, I have it, I have very bad anxiety in fact, but I know for a fact these conditions aren't caused by anxiety. If anything, the moments I am anxious/stressed are the moments when my symptoms are at their weakest.
Basically, in times when I am distracted, when I am basically in a trance caused by my neuroses, most of my symptoms aren't there. When I actually obtain some semblance of peace of mind, that's when dangerous spikes happen. Thinking decreases the amount of times I am affected; not thinking increases the amount of times I am affected. The more I think of the issues, the less they happen.

Which is the exact opposite of what should be happening with stress/anxiety if stress and/or anxiety are the cause. Stress and anxiety cause these things to peak, in part because of the stress and the anxiety. But after the stress and the anxiety has faded, the symptoms tend to, too. (Which is why getting rid of the stress/anxiety makes it better.)

​Now, we can't get rid of our stress/anxiety (I don't know why), so the physical issues of stress/anxiety are definitely there (weight, mostly), but if stress and anxiety went away, I imagine the result would be these things getting even stronger and happening more often.

They probably think we're making it up, that the signs and symptoms are exaggerated, that we are creating the issue in our head.

We're not.

We know our body. We know what's going on with it. We just don't know how to describe to a medical professional what's going on, in a way that they would understand, and be productive to finding the root of the problems. I know what the issues are. I just don't know how to translate those issues into terms which a medical professional can then give a diagnosis for.

Well. I guess that'll be it for now. This medical rant ate up the majority of our blogging energy.
I'll say that we definitely are struggling to stay afloat in a lot of areas though.

There's so much we want to do.
We wanna work on the things our counselor asked us to.
We wanna stay afloat on mafia, discord, and torn, which all require extensive daily upkeep.
We wanna play games, but don't have the time to do it and anything else--we game, we lose out on doing literally everything else.
We wanna keep up on hygiene, but haven't taken a shower since last week. (And we're not going to--in all likelihood. None tonight, likely none tomorrow, probably will convince ourselves out of it Sunday too.)
We wanna stream, but were too tired yesterday and need to go to bed too soon tonight (to catch a watch party tomorrow, at least).
Did we even upload our last stream to YT? I don't think we did.

And then there's actually doing productive things.
We wanna get back onto ComicFury and add it into our daily routine. Not webcomics, mind you, and not obsessively viewing the discussion daily, but like on mafia and discord, reading the things of interest every day.
We wanna get our avatar for rBree2 on ComicFury (previously called "My Alt", our alt account) and Ranger on mafia done (same avatar, taking from both).
We wanna work on writing Farn.

We did make some minuscule progress today, a modicum of work, where we added Anna Effigy to our unofficial notes file.

But we're not getting our discord notes translated into the notes sections of any document, and we're not filling out the unofficial notes with existing notes or writing the desired new ones, by and large.

It just takes so much time...and focus...and we have none.

Yet alone, writing.

And for streaming/recording we've got work to do like downloading OBS, and we've not done that.

We're staying afloat, and that's about it.

We do have the excuse of a hellish work week, and recovering from sickness, in the last two weeks.

But we're still meant to be doing...so, so much more than we are.

We need to move forward.

We're not.
That's okay that we're not.
​But we still want to, and know we should, so knowing we should and knowing we want to, we need to figure out how to actually get there. Which again, was discussed in counseling a bit. "The level of want, and the level of prepared, both need to be high", I believe it was.

Well the want is high.
The level of preparedness?
...Well, clearly not.

Small steps are better than no steps I guess tho.

i kat, i a cat, i part of ashe, ashe part of bree, i young, i speak like this, i normally never come out to play but system tired, dangerously so.

we almost crash many times on way home from work, we spill coffee, vee got very mad and was actually fronting for a while, we didn't notice because vee also plural so her fully front is little different from all of us being all of us. we normally permanently disassociated, no definite fronter, vee fronting was almost same and we didn't notice because vee fronting is similar to us being us, is very different from when ruby did because ruby fronting we instantly could tell, vee fronting took a voice saying 'calm down vee' instead of 'calm down bree' to let us know.

anyway i be the one out rn. i normally never out, others not let me loose 'cause i be like this.

blog writer will prolly be furious looking back, they insist on proper spelling, grammar, etc. i be opposite of that, but it their fault for not being strong enough to come forward i guess.

we tired, we exhausted, we so weak i be out and i never out for this long, so we need sleep, we need rest. sorry for the disruption, hopefully others are strong enough later to make up for me being out like i am. xD

it was me or nobody, so i guess you got me. sorry!
​-kat

oh we also want note, wasted day obv. needed sleep. got inspired, so no workout. no shower, either. it okay tho. other facets like to be meanies to us, not to us as individuals but us as all of bree, they self-hate for missing but i okay, we alright. <3

Today marked my family doing family things during family night.
And by that I mean being extreme transphobes.

As a reminder; I am out as trans.
They know I am a girl.
They still were, very very very openly, being fully transphobic.

This week I ended up not taking care of myself. I did one, one, workout correct, but failed to do a workout for 3/4 days.

I've not been brushing my teeth.
I've not taken a shower or changed my clothes.
I've not gotten sleep.
I've not been blogging.
I've not been streaming.

I had the last person I would ever expect to be pluralphobic (genuinely were a huge part of me realizing I am trans, AND, a huge part of me realizing I am plural), invalidate the identity of one of our system mates.

Heck I've lost my voice and might be sick.

No self-care.
No work done on anything.

I haven't even played my weekly ranked games!
No games.
No blogs.
No writing.
​No art.
Nothing.

I'm just...

I don't know how to live.

Need sleep now.
​Check schedule work tomorrow, need to also do stream stuff tomorrow (and shower), need to also get pay stuff for work done but sleep now. Super tired.

Yesterday was rather productive, but I didn't have time to do literally everything I set out to do. I had to pick and choose near the end what to focus on, and it wasn't on blogging.

Today? Today's been a waste. I went to pick up my medication, and...
...And that was it, I legit did nothing else of note.

Unless you count spending more time on twitter engaging in conversation which doesn't actually convince anyone to do any good and blocking a small percentage of people of which there are countless more. (I could never block them all.) Which I consider to be a waste of time. I do it because I am mentally unwell. I am severely depressed, I go onto twitter when depressed. (Twitter doesn't make my depression worse but it likely is adding stress.)

Twitter is a useful tool for, if properly cultivating things, becoming informed. Once you figure out the signs of people spreading things which you can ignore and block, what's left is legit informative. I sometimes lack context in things, but most of the time, I can actually become educated. If not instantly, than with time. (I struggle with non-US issues, generally speaking, but I'm slowly learning.)

Still though. Not a good place to be. Really really not a good place to engage. Activism might be valuable, but my words aren't gonna do much of anything there. Those I talk to, I'm either preaching to the choir or preaching to bad faith actors with no intent to change their bigoted ways. In either case, I make little to no difference, so my time would just be better spent...

...Literally anywhere else.

I should be working on things.

Maybe on internally looking at our plurality (we were close to identifying another voice, because we got a name--Minerva--and knew she was active, but instead of finding her voice we let it go).
Definitely should've showered.
Probably should've napped properly.
I'm not taking care of myself across the board.

Picking up my meds was nice, but that's all I did, and it was because I have no choice but to.

​I have more notes to write for farn, and I've done none of them.
I haven't kept up on discord, either.

So like.

I should be doing more.

​I'm not doing well.