Not to mention pathetic.

We couldn't sleep last night for the full six hours. Kept waking up.
In spite of that, it took for us to reach 4 am to get the point of exhaustion today--but now that we've hit it, we've slammed face first into it and are deep into the concrete of how badly the face slam was. You might be able to tell from the language we're using in the blog. Our words aren't well. There's a lack of ability to say things properly. We're so tired that we're losing coherency and losing basically the ability to type anything.

We're hungry, in spite of having eaten a full meal.
Thirsty, in spite of having had our normal amount of coffee.
Need our medications, since we haven't taken them.
Need to do a bunch of things like games, having not done them at all today. Except a couple I guess.
I'm struggling to finish this article because my tiredness is too high.

We're cold, we're tired, we're hungry, we're thirsty, we can't sleep well, we can't think properly, we can't think right, we can't manage to write anything, we're falling asleep at the keyboard in spite of needing to take medications, we have a bunch of things going on that are body related yet we're so tired we can't convey them.

​So I guess we gotta go to bed because if we don't...we're gonna just. I dunno, collapse? We ain't doin' great. Vision fading, hard to stay awake. We need to end and go to sleep.

OBWe've got very little to show for today.
No game progress in any game. Not Stardew Valley, not Dreamlight Valley, not any grinding in Epic Battle Fantasy 5 or Final Fantasy VII, not doing anything in Chrono Trigger, not building anything in minecraft, having no win in League of Legends, negative LP progress on TFT...nothing to show for today.

We've been going back and forth on whether to stream tonight or not, and it looks like the final answer is going to be "no", in part because we're not really sure what we would stream. We don't have a strong drive. We should work on our story. Or if nothing else, work on the art for our new profile picture. Or if even that's too much, minecraft. Maybe even just playing tft. Anything.

Well we're not gonna do that.

We did do a reorganization of our discord servers we're in to be more neat/organized, but we didn't do the title fairy thing we wanted to do, nor have we typed out the things we think would be healthy to type out in our journal. (Today we did learn a funny/interesting fact tho: apparently the real-life journals we used to write? The ones where we never wrote anything important until the second, third, or even fourth page? ...Apparently, that thing we thought was just an us thing, is not just an us thing, and a bunch of people did it.)

And for that matter, we haven't actually copied that journal into a google doc.

Nor have we worked on any other story idea.

We did write down some things for the art project, and hey, after this blog, maybe we'll manage to squeeze in some work on it (I wouldn't count on it--in fact I'd explicitly bet against it), but we didn't actually work on it today.

Speaking of today, work was interesting, and we felt fairly competent at working. There's just one problem: we didn't work out at all. We felt like we were shutting down. We felt forced into eating a full meal because we were developing really bad hand tremors, as well as losing vision from lightheadedness. It sucked to give up on that. We didn't run (not that we're really doing running anyway--2 minutes is only 1/5th of a mile), we didn't work out, we did nothing physically.

Nor did we do anything hygiene-wise. No shower, no brushing teeth, we're letting ourselves rot and decay at an alarmingly fast rate.

All in all, not a lot to show for today, but not nothing.

​That said, I suppose we DO have more time to talk about why we are so determined to live for at least a year longer.

Now, obviously: we intend to live forever.
There's never going to be enough time in our lives. So we would love to have an infinite amount of it.
The world might have certain parts of it actively trying to revert dozens (or even hundreds) of years' worth of progress, but OVERALL, it's still objectively true that the world becomes overall a better place to live over time. Comparing now to 50 years ago, I would always choose to live now rather than 50 years ago. And that is 90+% likely to be true 50 years from now. 50 years from now is over 90% likely to be a better time than right now is. So I want to be there for that better time. I never want to be gone when the world keeps making so many advancements and progress.

​OBVIOUSLY, that's not actually scientifically possible. We can't actually live forever. We intend to! But realistically speaking, science simply isn't advanced enough to allow for that to happen. The closest we could ever get is becoming a ghost after death. (Which, granted, is near-guaranteed to happen. Our family isn't going to bury us under our preferred name of Brianna "Bree" Danielle Lewis. And since the people we know online won't know we're gone, that's not one but TWO compelling reasons for not moving on. Can't move on if not at rest/peace and being buried under the wrong name guarantees that; can't move on with lingering attachments and not having been able to say goodbye to online communities and let them know would be another. BUT I DIGRESS.)

We still feel it's worth striving to live forever, but when we inevitably don't, we're hoping to have lasted at least 80 years if nothing else. To live a long, full life that experienced as much of the world's progress as was humanly possible, to have shared as much of our ideas as we could, to have brought as much of the next generations up as possible, guiding and mentoring them as a voice with lifetimes' worth of experience.

That's not too unreasonable to ask. Genetically it should be possible, since my family on at least one side tends to live to their 90s or higher.

However, as much as we want to live forever, or at the very least live for a very long healthy happy time of 80+ years:
Realistically speaking, with our lifestyle and genetics, there's a very high chance we die before then.

We have an hour-long drive one-way to work every single work day, and this commute is largely on highways, including a highway that is one of the most dangerous in the state. We also often don't get nearly enough sleep. Combine these two, and all it'd take is one drifting-off-too-long instance for disaster to strike. It almost happened to us once before (January 2014), it could happen again literally any time we get behind the wheel which is twice daily per work day adding up to over 10 times per week we risk death.

It doesn't matter if you dodge the bullet 999/1000 times. It only takes one bullet landing to be lethal.
Same concept for driving. Every day, there is that risk. It only takes one manifestation of that risk to end my life for good. There would be precious little I could do to prevent it. One momentary lapse, one momentary blacking out, one momentary zoned out, where I drift too far off into dreamland, where I get too sleepy to keep active track of my, well...tracks, and BAM! A likely lethal crash.

​I apologize for the morbidness of this, but this is, sadly, the grim truth. Every time I drive it has a chance to be the last time I do anything, because of where I am driving and how exhausted I get especially behind the wheel, alarmingly enough. (Yes we're trying to get the necessary amount of sleep, but even if we succeed, that doesn't guarantee a lack of exhaustion. The whole, "we can be tired with 4 hours or 14 or anywhere in-between" issue.)

​So, there's a fairly high chance we die behind the wheel, or in the aftermath of such an event at the very least. We don't want to. We would never deliberately do so. Obviously, we want to live. We don't want to die. We don't want to crash. We want to live forever, or at least 80 years, so a car crash is not the way we want to go out. But being realistic: we are not gods. We are not reality warpers. We don't have infinite luck. We are not invincible. It only takes one unlucky day for us to die, it only takes one bad day for us to get killed. Not because we wanted it, but because of sheer happenstance being against us in the most disastrous way possible.

​Is it an inevitability? Well, no. Most people spend their entire lives driving without dieing from it. Statistically speaking, it doesn't happen often. It happens to the smallest fraction of drivers. But I am at a higher risk of being one of said casualties thanks to the length of the commute, roads on the commute, and my mental cognitive functions while driving being inconsistent in dangerous ways.

So most won't die from a car crash--yet, it's still a genuine hazard for me.

Even if a car crash doesn't get me, what probably will is cancer. My family has a long, long history of cancer on both sides of the family pretty sure, and I have dozens of brown spots on my body. Yes, dozens. Most of them quite large, but with plenty of small ones too. I did a count once and I am fairly certain the number is above 40, putting me at basically the highest risk of getting skin cancer.

Cancers of various kinds run in the family, but I am young enough that I don't really get screened for cancer. While I get medical visits, those visits come only once every few months and are for things entirely unrelated to general health, so it's quite likely that if I got cancer, it wouldn't be diagnosed until it was too late.

I'm willing to bet between car crashes and cancer that one of the two is going to be what claims my life. Obviously, I will fight tooth and nail to prevent either from happening. We're not gonna let it happen. We're not gonna let ourselves die. We are going to fight to the bitter end, biting and swinging. We have zero plans to let this early demise manifest and every intention to manifest the world where we live forever (or at least for a very long time).

We strive for life, we push for life, we want to live and will fight to do so. But heroic willpower only goes so far to fight off instant killers or slow deaths. The truth is that no matter what our mind says, if we actually were to be stricken by one of those two, we wouldn't be able to survive indefinitely the way we promise we would. It sounds grim, it sounds glum, it sounds pessimistic and cynical, but it's a sad truth:
We are not immortal, no matter how much we see ourselves as being so. If we have something lethal happen to us, we will die from it.

So we have to try our utmost to avoid letting that happen.

In part because we've got such strong reasons to live.

Part of it is the aforementioned "the world is awesome" aspect--the world is awesome and while it certainly may not seem that way from the 2018-onwards era, objectively OVERALL it does, in fact, become a better place to live in. No matter how much the lowlifes of society try to regress it, progress HAS marched on, slowly, gradually, bit by bit becoming more dominant.

The human race as a whole is sick and tired of the white Christian cisgendered heterosexual patriarchy born from Imperialism + Colonialism dominating the world and whitewashing/erasing/etc. things that should never have been forgotten. I know it seems like the patriarchy is winning now with how much they have managed to roll back and revert--but they are fighting a battle I firmly believe they WILL lose.

I get the value in naysayers and doomsayers warning about just how bad the rollbacks to rights are--and they're not wrong. Without constant vigilance to bigotry, that hatred will take root and have a platform to take over. But I am not so hopeless/cynical/jaded as to think they have already won. No, they are a minority in society trying to pass themselves off as being the majority. The actual majority can, and will, win out in the end, as long as we are able to keep pushing forward bit by bit to make the progress the world has made.

I'm not going to pretend the risk isn't there. It is, it's very much real. If we're not careful, then bigotry WILL win and the world will become overall well and truly worse and worse. Nor am I really qualified to talk more in-depth about this. But I firmly believe that, overall, the world IS trying to change for the better. It's two steps forward, one step back, but we can do it.

And I want to be there not only to help, but see the results.

This is one reason to want to live. Just to experience the growth of the world, and to see the future unfold in the present to build a better world. I want to live to see that happen.

But there's more.

I want to live to get my ideas out into the world. The longer I live, the more time I have to do so.
I want to live to help as many people as I can in my life. The longer I live, the more people I help.
I want to live to have the best most enriched most fulfilling life possible for a transwoman, maybe even living to see (and test) medical breakthroughs in the field.

​But in the more immediate future.

I want to live because the world does not yet as a whole know that I am a girl.
Everyone online does.
I have come out to everyone in real life and am living daily as a girl.

But the world as a whole doesn't know--those who know me online don't know me offline, and those who know me offline are, largely, not truly accepting of me being a girl. They love me, they tolerate me, but they don't truly accept me, understand me, respect me, etc. Not as a girl, at least.

I'm like 90+% sure my extended family has no idea that I am a girl. My grandmother sends gendered gifts to our family each Christmas. In spite of being out for over half a year last Christmas, I received the 'male' gift rather than the female gift. Which tells me that me being a girl was not conveyed to my extended family.

​Fortunately, my younger sister's wedding is next year, and my extended family is invited.

Yes, I have other reasons for wanting to live until then.
My younger sister is family and I love her.
My younger sister is the only family member who has truly accepted me and respects me as a girl, helping me, aiding me, supporting me, every step of the way. Correctly naming me, etc. She has put in the time and effort to be everything family should be for a girl like me who had to come out.

The rest of my family, to varying degrees...ahhh, hasn't. I don't want to be too harsh on them because I love my family, but the best descriptor I have for most of my family (barring my younger sister) is, "I love them, but I don't really like them, and I expect this is probably mutual".

There is genuine love for my family, and I know they genuinely love me; the proof is in their actions in spite of their beliefs. But they are deeply flawed in their treatment of me, and I am a pretty lousy person who is high in upkeep even without being a girl. They have genuine reasons to not really want to think fondly of me, and that's aside from them not truly accepting that I am a girl.

So I don't want to be overly harsh on them. I love them, after all, and part of that love is not wanting to badmouth them. Still, it's a fact that they don't call me by my name consistently (my mother does it to me when my father isn't around and if she remembers to; my younger sister always does. But the rest, they do not); they don't call me by my name when I'm not around even if my father/brother aren't around (I've heard my mother and older sister use my deadname when they were alone), so like: they don't really see me as Bree.

Not really.

I don't want to hold it against them. I don't want to be overly harsh and criticize them too much. I'll say for the sake of clarity that I have talked to them about this, so it's not me airing out thoughts in my blog that I never did to them. I told them what the damage of refusing to use a name for me at all is (deliberately using a neutral term when you KNOW the preferred term is still misgendering--if you know someone is a she/her, deliberately using they/them is considered malicious misgendering, as an example), so it's not that they don't know. They do.

It's just that my younger sister is the only one who has done what someone should​ do for family coming out and actually listened to the requests, wishes, etc. of the family member coming out in full, rather than just in part. But this description sounds too harsh on them. I don't want to paint them in worse light than is true.

​They do make some efforts. It's just that I've told them what efforts they should be making beyond those, and it's still only 'some', except from my younger sister who makes all the efforts. I don't want to hold it against my family, because they clearly love me and they did put at least some work in. Yet, it's factually true that it's not the amount of work they should put in, and also factually true that I told them this.

They are not in the dark about what I want, what I would prefer, etc. I have let them known. I have made my thoughts clear. I have tried my best to educate them, to inform them, to give them the resources necessary for them to understand. But I can't make them listen to me, I can't make them listen to my requests. And I can't blame them for not doing so.

After all, I have plenty of demands unrelated to my gender. (Largely from neurodivergencies like my autism, but that's beside the point.) I understand them seeing all of the demands and feeling it's unreasonable to live up to everything I ask of them.

They love me so they do what they feel is appropriate for that love. I can't realistically expect more, so I don't want to be harsh on them.

But my younger sister, she has already done what she should, and did accept me from the onset.

​I want to pay that back by supporting her at her wedding, to be there for her as her family.

And there's more.

My extended family will be at the wedding. Not all of them. But not none of them. And some of them is all it takes. Some of them, seeing me there, as a girl, is all it takes. Me being a girl has not been conveyed to my extended family, pretty sure. (I mean since the wedding's not until next year, we have this Christmas to test my theory again, but I'm not optimistic at anything changing from last year.)

All it will take for them to see, and be forced to acknowledge, me as a girl...is for them to be there, and me to be there.

Since the wedding is next year, that means I need to live until next year at absolute minimum.

It's my desire to manifest this into reality.
I want to live forever so bad that I don't want to ever have the plug pulled from me. If I'm braindead and my heart has failed, I don't want them to cut life support on me. I don't care if there's no brain function; I don't care if my heart has stopped; I don't care if the doctors say there's a 0% chance that I will survive, that the doctors say I have died.

SOMEHOW, I would find a way to live, if given the medical assistance to do so. This is, sadly, likely never going to be relevant because whenever I do inevitably lose consciousness for the last time, the doctors won't have access to my will that I am stating now, they won't know that I have zero intention of letting them let me die. That I intend to find a way, no matter how clinically/medically impossible, to pull through the impossible situation and actually live.

The doctors will give up on me far before I do, and if my family is there, they'll likely let the doctors pull the plug on me--against my will, mind you. My will to live is so strong that even with no brain function, even with no heart beating, if I was kept medically going in spite of having no signs of life, I would find a way to eventually fight back to life. Flatlined heart/brain won't stop me.

The doctors will certainly believe that it will--that I would be dead dead, a corpse, a goner, that I was gone, the moment that there is both a lack of heart/brain function. But I know that if given sufficient time, I would be able to recover. All it'd take is them not pulling the plug on me.

My will to live is that strong.

Because I want to live forever.

And even if I don't live forever--
I need to live for that event, if nothing else.

The wedding needs to be something I attend.

After that, I'll still have plenty of reasons to live, mind you.
But that is the most pressing.
I need people to know that I am a girl.
I need to live.

​I just have to.

We're gonna be late for bed. 6 hours exactly is 15 minutes from now, so to get 6 hours proper we need to go to bed before then. (On that note, we do have a bit of a theory. We believe 4.5 hours is the bare minimum we need to function, and 6 hours is the ideal--but in order to actually get that amount, we need sleep 1.5 hours before. So 6 hours = 4.5 = the bare minimum; 7.5 = 6 = the ideal.)

There's a lot we need to note tho, like we think we can blog about why we NEED to live for at LEAST one year. (Ideally, much much much MUCH longer than that, but an hour at MINIMUM.) Basically, we need to live to our sister's wedding. NEED to. After that, we'd prefer to keep living, we intend to live forever but pragmatically speaking we want at least 80 years of life if not longer.

But no matter what.

We cannot let ourselves die before a year from now.

I know that a couple of days ago we were at an extra low point in our lives.

But while we're still mentally in a huge rut, we have the will to live for SO many reasons.

Anyway. Gotta go to bed!

Apologies for the vulgarity, but the voice (facet, whatever) speaking that line was quite loud and it resonated as a perfect descriptor of today.

Short version, ever since the shell reformed as we were going to bed yesterday, we've been better off mentally, because whatever it was that was around yesterday is now buried again. (We've developed the theory that a lot of our numbness to bad things happening + the presence of all of us is directly tied together, in that the little girl who was lone and felt like she sucked needed a way to escape from the pain. Lo and behold, she escaped from the pain, but now we can't feel it as much because of that. Except yesterday.)

Should be noted: all of us are real. We're not invented by her, we're not imaginary. None of us are fake, and at this point, we don't really think there's a "true self" or even a "first self". The core which came forward was one that is, so to speak, closest to the original, most in tune with the body, etc. Okay so this isn't great description but we're past our bedtime we'll cover it in some future blog OKAY.

We were writing this blog about today, and yes, being past our bedtime is why we're so stupid.

Yesterday we were nearly an hour and a half late. Today we couldn't function really at all because of how crippled we were by exhaustion and tiredness. And we made mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake at work. Thus, stupid.

And then we told ourselves. "Start preparing for bed at 8, to make the deadline."

We knew of it.

​We chose not to, instead trying to greed for finishing reading a tvtropes page.

As far as stupidity goes, that's topping the charts.

Not making bed yesterday had a justifiable reason; we were having a literal mental meltdown, a mental breakdown.

Today, no such excuse.

Granted, food wouldn't have been ready anyway, but it'd be CLOSE.

We'd be like 10 minutes late--not a minimum of 30.

Thus, stupid.

So, apologies for the vulgarity again but in this case it's apt.

​(Side-note, we're starting a personal diary/journal so that what happened yesterday doesn't happen again. "Isn't your blog supposed to be that?" Well, yes, but our blog contains necessary redactions based off of it being a public thing. Things like names of coworkers, specific work events, things that I don't have the time to write a blog for, things ill-suited for twitter, you get the idea. The blog is still going to be the main source of me rambling. And I will keep vital notes elsewhere. But we feel like having the diary would be a healthy outlet to prevent what happened yesterday, from happening again. We need to back it up as a google doc and actually do the diary entry about yesterday we intended to do today, but like: stupidity be stupid, so we didn't do it today.)

I had a single light in this day and it genuinely is the only thing that kept me afloat.

I...am not okay.

I hope sleep will help. We need it, we're gonna not get sleep for work tomorrow. I'm sorry.

We're not really. Anything worth anything.

The light is already fading. We had it, we're forgetting it already.

We'll survive.

But we are...

We cried.

We never cry.
We thought it was impossible to.
Every time we say we've cried we technically just teared up without tears actually falling.
But today.

We cried.

We cried, cried.

I'm sad.
I'm feeling hopeless.
I can't keep up my strength.
Please, sleep. Please, work. Please, something, anything. Help me. Help us.

I'm sorry.

I ask for so much that I don't deserve.
I ask for so much that nobody should need to give me.
I ask for so much that giving me, is. Just. I was not worthy of.

Why can't I do anything.
I just.
I want to give the worlds I see life.
I want to give the world I live in, something.

I can't see it, the path.
I feel so isolated.
I feel so alone.
I feel lost.
I feel...like...
...I am pushing myself away from what I love.
But replacing it with nothing new that I also love.

There's loss of love, and no new love.

I am losing my heart.

I'm in pain. Anguish. It's hard to see light. I can smile, but I am crying.

People see me. But they aren't able to help me. I'm the only one who can help me, but I can't help myself. So I cry. I cry cry. I didn't know I could cry. I guess that I've never been this bad. I guess it took me losing faith and hope to cry. To have the pain be overwhelming.

I hate myself.
​I hate everything about how we are.
We live in a world so magical in our head.
But the world we live in is not that. It's so cruel.

I'm crying again.
Second time today.
Why does it hurt so much?
Oh so that's why every media ever portrays sniffing after crying.
I never knew it was real.
It is. I shouldn't be surprised that it is, but since we've never experienced it in our life for as long as we can remember, it was a thing of fiction until tonight.

​I should've done so much differently.
I can't help people.
I can't help myself.

I need strength.
I need to find a way to keep going.

Please, someone.
I have a wonderful mind, with hundreds of voices within. Can't they help me?
I keep asking for help from others, but they can't help me. Can't one of the voices just...just make things better.

Fix the issues. Fix our life.
Give us the path.
We've seen it before. Fantasized about it. Heck we probably got facets in here, voices, that are just the us from those fantasies. We've done the scenarios so many times that we've got them memorized. Everything about how they succeeded, what they did, how they did it. They talk, they produce things. They do what we dream of doing but never can pull off.

We can't succeed.
We can't build anything.

​Please. Let sleep fix this.
I don't want to feel this way.
I want to feel better.
I want to be something.
Not this.

Is this the me that made us the fracture we are normally?
It's pain. It hurts. I feel so broken.

The pain has faded somewhat.

Did I manage to retreat inside? The me that was hurting?

Maybe.

I think that was the true us.

The us out here right now is more, ah, fake.
No, not fake. We're real.
But not, in the. You know.
We're not the ones closest to the core.
We're the ones sent out when the core is in pain.

We're still crying. She's still in pain. We're hurting. We can feel it. We can think of the things wrong. There's suddenly a wall. Guess we didn't need to go to sleep. We just needed to have a mental breakdown I guess! We're not going to be okay. But whatever happened to our fractured brain, we're...more okay suddenly.

I think...we saw something which was repressed there.
I understand.
Well. Not really.
But I understand.

There was a glimpse there, of understanding.
For a brief second. We saw it. Turns out we did it to ourselves, eh?
We didn't have a choice.
But we're not going to ever be able to...
...I dunno. We're not going to be able to do anything, are we?
We need to make choices impossible to make.

We can't have everything we want--not in this mortal world.
If we try to get everything, we're gonna end up with nothing.
We already have nothing.
We're already walking that path where trying to get everything means we end up getting nothing.

I'm sorry.

We don't know how to do. Anything.

This is a bad day for us.
It's a bad life.
We're gonna spiral again.
We're already spiraling.
We need a way to make it not get worse.
Not again.
We're losing sleep.
Losing time.
We're not engaging people.
We're not enjoying ourselves.
We're not creating things.
We're not eating or brushing teeth.

What are we doing?

Breaking down.

There's heartbreak.
We can't let go of anything.

We can't survive without letting go of something.
We're gonna die if we try to do everything.
We don't have the magic in our mind. We're mortal.
​We aren't able to keep going, without cutting something off.

But we can't.
There's nothing to sacrifice that we can.
We can.
We just...can't.
If you know what we're saying.

We're breaking down again.

The pain is still echoing.

There's once more no ending to be had.
This is an ongoing struggle.

I'm sorry that I can't pull things off.
I'm sorry that we're going to do nothing.
I'm sorry that we do all the bad no matter how much we try to do the good.

We're pretty much garbage in every way.

Didn't we say we had one of the worst depressive episodes of our lives a couple weeks ago?
Well I think tonight takes the spot.
Something's in our brain.
Turmoil again.

I think the core is still trying to shut down. To stop the pain. To stop the existence.

We gotta live tho.
We might not know how to accomplish what we want to do.
But the things we want to do, they are not bad things, right?
We can't get them, but we can't give up on getting them.
​The world we live in is wrong, but we can't just stop trying to live in it. We gotta fight. Fight to get it closer to the right we see.

Somehow. We gotta keep going.

Nothing is right.
Nothing is good.
We do all the things bad, no matter how much we try to do them good.

But we must go on. The world we want will never happen if we don't.

We had constant internet woes with unending issues there, and then our staff meeting at work was moved to be two hours earlier, and we have family night tonight, which is always hard on us, so like. Today is not a good time.

I guess there is something we do want to do tho; we figured we might as well plug something.

We were going to catch this live, seeing the entire premiere, but see above for why we didn't.

​To make up for it, here's a link to it.

We'll have to see if I can figure out how to embed videos in my wix mirror to the blog. (As a reminder, my main blog is on weebly, the mirror is wix, I'm updating both to not put all eggs in one basket and create a backup.)

On weebly, to create the embedded youtube video, I have to do text-YT-text.
But on wix, I've not done it yet so this will be an experience.

Anyway, I'm a big fan of Jordan (aka detune) DiSorbo's content, especially the Paranormal Detours, and have been waiting for the video to release, and today, it finally released the highlight video of the first one at the Bellair House.

Yeah I think we do.

We, again, didn't really do anything today, with it, again, being a bit of a waste.

We should note that we have a time-sensitive issue--again--that we (again) probably will be late on, but we're genuinely too tired to do it today in spite of promising less than 48 hours. We're also going to be limited tomorrow by having a staff meeting for work. So basically, near-guaranteed that we'll be late.

We are a procrastinator, we didn't build a character. We kept the idea in mind for months, but did none of the work of properly understanding the system/rules/etc. involved so our work is going to be messy, sloppy, etc.

Anyway, anything else we gotta do?
Oh right the medical appointment thingy, we've needed to do that since last week.

Beyond that, prolly should be doing brushing teeth. We're failing hygiene again, also took no shower. (To be fair, tomorrow at staff meeting we'll get wet.)

Okay, anything else?
No Disney Dreamlight Valley again.
No working on our novel, again.
No grinding on League, again.
We don't have steam open so nothing there.
We might've done tft a bit but I doubt even that.

However, I distinctly recall we managed to do half the work we intended to do on Minecraft.

Hey, it's better than nothing!

Anyway right now we're plural af.

Our plurality is on full display with who knows how many voices chiming in. (A lot.)

We're also dead tired, have been for hours tbh. And that leads to typos, and a lack of cohesion in thoughts in general. Also, there's a mental war with basically every sentence on how to write it, what to say, etc. Like whether to go 'to be honest' or 'tbh', that was actually more 'to be honest' but whoever typed it made the tbh.

(We did have a voice just say "it was me", but we haven't gained the ability to differentiate our voices yet. We know different voices are different voices, we don't know which voices have what identities. They're all unnamed yet. Well, technically we did have one whose name is Ashe, but we don't know who it was now.)

​Okay so we probably had more to say about our plurality when writing this. We wanted this blog to be plurality-focused when adhd kicked in and told us to write an impromptu to-do list. Still, tho. Ah, right, we wanted it to be a bit of a conversation. Each line written by a different person, just let the thoughts flow stream of consciousness style.

Do we still do that?
We did it before.
Yeah, we can do it again.
Should we tho?
I dunno.
It's getting late.
I'm tired.
We're tired.
We need sleep.
Can't go to bed too late.
We got the meeting tomorrow.
Mmm.
Indeed.

Alright.

So now what?
Do we just...keep going?
Nahhh...I think we wrap up.

But I don't wanna!
Yeah, I know...we have a lot of plurality thoughts to sort out.

We're too tired.
In many ways that's the best time.
Yes, but not now. Not today.

Okay, now our blog is a mess.
What do we do to fix it?
Do we just...randomly end?

We did it last time. I think.

Yeah, this isn't really working out.
Not the way we intended, at least.
Well, that's life for you.
Mm.
Indeed.
We're repeating thoughts right now.
The loop helps.
Yeah, is a tool of sorts.
I get that, but it's still a sign to wrap up, we had an in for wrapping up until it was removed by more chatter.
Good chatter!
Yes, but ruining an easy end all the same.
Careful with language. Don't wanna blame or accuse.
Yes, I'm trying.
How many do you think we have that have all these nuances to them?

I dunno...but we'll find out, eventually.
​At least, that's the hope.

Three for three in not making it to bed by 9:30. In fact I'm pretty sure I got worse and worse across the week, starting at like 9:35 then 9:45 and then it now being past 10 and I'm just now writing my blog.

Well, "blog".

There really ain't much to see here, to be honest.

Because we gotta go to bed.

Like, we're overdue by over half an hour.

We ain't got time to do a good entry.

Lots on our mind, but nothing we can do tonight. Gotta wait for tomorrow and hope and pray.

Oh, and by the way, about yesterday's to-do list: I remembered two items forgotten, and one of them I did, the other I have not--not gonna mention them on the blog for safety reasons but there's something rl that I gotta do.

I also tried to stream!

...And had my computer freeze on me, forcing me to use a hard-shutdown and boot it up cold. (Miffed we lost our Opera tabs--again!--but at least we kept the important browser's tabs.)

Literally was 2 minutes from hitting go live.
And my computer froze in a way that made it not respond--mouse frozen, keyboard unresponsive, nothing working not even control-alt-delete, not the windows key, zilch. Technically better than a bluescreen, but not by much.

​Anyway, now 40 minutes late for bed so we really gotta go.

Not really, tho the need to blog continues.

I wanna leave notes for future-me to inevitaBree forget:
-Remember when you said you wanted to work on your novel on the phone? And how the lack of curved quotes has kept you from doing so? Just do so. The snippets you have perfect clarity of in your mind are temporary; formatting can wait and you'll be revising the whole thing anyway when you get to them. But you don't want to lose how scenes go, for instance the summoning of Lilith, the process behind Reese's name, and Terrasorm's contract. You have them as you want in your head; you won't keep them.

-You need to shower, brush teeth, change clothes, use shampoo, etc. tomorrow. Bring the things from home to work. You can do the workout and then shower after finishing work.

-You need to stream tomorrow. You planned on doing minecraft and working on filling the gaps in all the buildings, with the arch trick you saw in that one stream.

There were, uhhhh...there were more points, but I forgot.

Brushing teeth, bringing change of clothes, bringing shampoos (remember to double bag), streaming, was there more?

Oh yeah. Do the formatting thing for your novel notes. Preferably also back them up.
And also you had a New Perspective (the sequel story) note to add about Reese.

Was there more? Probably, but I can't remember and I'm half an hour late for bed. Might've wanted to mention that I can't do everything, for instance, can't do all of Dreamlight Valley (OOPS I FORGOT TO BUY THE DRESSES I WANT THAT WILL BE GONE TOMORROW, OH WELL TOO LATE NOW), TFT, League, novel, and minecraft. Gotta pick and choose. For tomorrow, you wanted it to be minecraft.

OH ALSO:
-Remember to actually do the Socials post for twitter, you dummy!
​(And make the corresponding blog.)

Always with too little to show for the day.

Today I didn't do everything I intended for Disney Dreamlight Valley, did absolutely no League, and did absolutely no TFT.
I didn't write, nor did I do minecraft in spite of receiving four hours' worth of inspiration from watching someone incredibly talented and entertaining who had genius ideas.

I have a need to do League and Disney Dreamlight Valley off-stream, but a need to do Teamfight Tactics, Minecraft, and Writing onstream.

With my new shift, I need to do day streams on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, as well as night streams on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, as well as continuing my Sunday streams.

Right now, having Worlds going on interferes with that--either I watch worlds or I stream; I can't do both because that would get me banned. So I have to pick and choose, and Worlds gives loot drops; streaming...doesn't. (Not unless it's TFT I guess.)

Butstill. I need to get into that.

I have more ideas for emotes, and I know I can make them. I know they would be good.
I have ideas for channel points rewards and icons and such.
I have ideas for stream stuff.

I just need to push through and get it.

Yet, I also have done a lot of wasting time.

And I also need to take care of my hygiene. I'm still not brushing my teeth in spite of having seen the consequences of that. (I'm due for five fillings--which puts me out nearly $750. An expense I very much did not want to pay.) I reek, from having not showered in weeks, maybe even a month, maybe longer. (I've attempted showers, but they were botched. None were properly done.)

There's so much I need to do.

And yet so little time for it.

I need to keep up my workouts, too.

All in all.

I'm busy.

And that doesn't even cover going over my blogs and porting them over to the wix mirror/backup blog.
I'm doing a good job of posting each entry twice, once on weebly and once on wix, but the old entries I've only done the one day worth of work, nothing more.

So I've got all these things in need of being done.

And not actually having done them.

Heck, I need to work on getting past streams up on Youtube.

And making a pinned Socials tab is something I wanted to do on twitter ever since Monday (well, much before that, but on Monday I told myself I'd actually do it--haha yeah right adhd brain, like you could really pull that off).

​All of the things I need to do, just aren't getting done.