I genuinely didn't do anything of note today. I didn't even do much in the way of note-taking. (Speaking of which I have a few notes I should write--but obviously, haven't.)

I should mention though that while I was aware that medical trans stuff would be expensive, I had no clue that non-medical trans stuff would also be quite expensive and also fairly hard to find and then actually use.

I bought D-cup silicone breast (falsies) for use to help make it more obvious that I am a girl, mainly for work but also at home as a statement.

They work, giving incredible euphoria!
They look amazing.
They place weight on me making it slightly harder to breathe, pressing on my chest--which, well, not the greatest for health I imagine but increases the euphoria because actual breasts do that!

...But they also refuse to stay in place on me, and I'm struggling to get them to.

I should clarify, I am growing natural breasts. But while my natural breast growth is happening, I'll likely never get breasts to the size that I desire and even if I did, it'd be years from now. So having these silicone falsies is an amazing boost for appearance and happiness.

The problem is that I don't want anatomically accurate booba to slip out of my outfit while I am...well basically anywhere but especially in public and especially at work. And even if it doesn't outright slip out, if it just slips positions, it can get in the way of me doing tasks, by providing distractions that I shouldn't have. So I need to fix that.

On my first outing, I did a test-run using duct tape. It worked reasonably well, but it's duct tape on two surfaces not designed for it: the silicone insert, and human skin. (Ow.) So I am working on alternatives. Expensive alternatives. Extensive alternatives.

The quick google search answer suggests that the recommended thing is double-sided tape. Tried that. It worked for a day the first time, but it takes a ton of time to apply, and both today and yesterday when I tried it, it...didn't really work. At all yesterday (to be fair, different type that was weaker than the first), and half today (one worked well enough, the other...didn't).

So now I'm going to desperately be trying to make do until my next idea arrives (assuming my mother orders it), which is a form of temporary glue meant for prosthetics, the type designed to hold surfaces like silicone to the skin for extended periods of time.

It's quite expensive in most places though. The cheapest I could find was like $15.

I did also find something that I really hoped existed tho, and that's basically a false-vagina of sorts to cover the bottom. Also reasonably expensive too.

All this is to say that if I get them and if they work, it'll be great for me as it'll make passing as a girl to random strangers at work much much much easier. Between having a mask for my face, breasts for the chest, and something for the lower anatomy, in theory, I should just appear as a tall woman to them.

That's the hope.

I may order hip padding if this isn't enough.

All this work, just to get some extra work comfort of having it be easier to gender me correctly.

Alright, so I asked/requested an order for a few items I've really wanted. (No guarantee that the items will actually be what I want so it might end up being a waste of money; no guarantee that they will actually be gotten. But, at least I took initiative in asking.)

I put in a refill for medication.

I haven't tackled financial stuff (which is a must-do), or stayed on top of teeth hygiene, but today was a full shower day.

Otherwise, though, no games once more. I've the urge to play minecraft, I need to keep playing League games for the blue essence and for the quest I've only a week left to complete. I've gotta finish my FFVII grind. I did none of that.

So like. Not much done today.

I mean, it's understandable.
American Holiday which my family celebrates, with my family all over.

I've multiple reasons for not really wanting to celebrate the day, but while I might not want to celebrate the day, I've no choice but to--not celebrating it is far more dangerous, given my family environment. I have to celebrate, for my own safety. At least pretend to be interested. I need to eat for sustenance, I need to be involved in activities, even if only halfheartedly.

Granted, I still appreciate the family traditions, it's just that there's multiple reasons I don't really want to celebrate, prominently among them being that only one member of my family actually names and genders me correctly consistently, and she's the one who is most a guest in the house and least a resident of it.

When my family is hostile towards me being me, I just don't have the same investment in a family-oriented holiday. It's just that me not being involved would lead to them being even more hostile to me, rather than less.

So yeah. Understandable I couldn't get much done.

Still a disappointment tho.

I wanted to do so much more.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

It's a pipe dream because first it would require me to actually make Phyrra and Cyrus, but I actually managed to make a proper sequel to Phyrra and Cyrus!

Now, there was already a spinoff, Smoke Ling, son of a Gunther, covering the son of Gunther King Slayer, the second villain in Phyrra and Cyrus, appearing in the second season, the enemy of Bard. It covered things set about 20 years after the end of the main story of Phyrra and Cyrus (technically 80 years before the epilogue since the epilogue is 100 years from the ending of the main story).

This was a proper sequel, set hundreds of years into the future.

I have the worldbuilding set up.

I have the main character(s). This story would, instead of being an allegory for being trans, would be an allegory for plurality.

Just need to iron out the finer detail points.

​Speaking of plurality though, I owe a ramble on that, too.

I wanna tell the story of how I got ma'am'd for the first time ever, and how on Monday, at approximately a time between 8:10 and 8:30, the person who did so was asking for my help. I keep on playing through something I will never ever have the answer to, because the only person who could answer it was that random total stranger I will never ever meet again.

They were asking for help with gas. I keep on playing it through my head. Did I hang up the fuel line (ending my transaction) before or after the request? After would mean no help, before would mean I could've, but didn't. Did I misunderstand the request and they wanted me to use my credit card to pay for some gas which I could do at any time? Could I have rewarded them for correctly gendering me by doing something different? I will wrack my brain on this for god only knows how long, but I will never know.

It won't stop that from weighing on me tho.

In better news tho.

I got back into streaming after a 20 day drought. I should be getting my new stream schedule up, streaming tonight, creating a youtube, writing a script for youtube videos, updating linkedin, finishing work stuff, and streaming, but I am doing none of it. Tired, just not feeling up to it. I can't even properly tell the story I want to.

I did also come up with two item combos in League, albeit not for Ashe most games. Brainstorming the highest amount of damage which can be dealt, I wasn't sure if it would be (mostly) full lethality or (mostly) full crit against non-tanks, but I think the combo is Eclipse + LDR + BT + IE + Ravenous + sixth high-AD item (Navori probably), but I'm not positive.

Beyond that?

I got authorized to start HRT and am beginning it tomorrow!

You'd think that'd be a big thing; it is! I'm just a terrible blogger and can't really figure out how to write my mood into words right now.

​Sorry for being so lackluster.

...But turns out I do have some frustration.

I need a letter to certify that I am MtF to begin estrogen and up my dose of the T-blocker.

I was hoping that it could be done online, but it needs to be done in person. Meaning either my January 21st appointment, or if I can get a sooner behavioral mental health appointment.

Either way though, a bit frustrating.

Understandable, due to legal reasons.

But frustrating.

Tomorrow is my endocrinology appointment.

It was originally scheduled to be in-person, but then I got covid and tested positive for covid and thus, had to change the type of appointment.

While I was progressing under the prior endocrinologist, this is a new one thanks to the prior one retiring, so I am yet again facing the same fears as the last one: being gatekept.

Originally, by this time, I was meant to be on two pills and start taking estrogen.

But I am worried between it being a first visit, and being remote, that I might get gatekept and be delayed further.

I want to take the next steps so badly. I literally am double-padding bras and shaving twice daily and it's not good enough. I need more. I just...want things to be the way they should be.

​So here's to hoping.

...But I am working on being a much much better person overall.

There's still a lot of things I need to do.

I've been compiling a list of questions that I need to ask my supervisor at work.

I need to stay on top of a lot of stuff that, right now, I very much am not. (Showers and dental hygiene mostly, but also to some extent my lesser obligations.)

But while there's a boatload of stuff that I need to do.

I'm still making a lot of progress.

I'm hoping to commit to streaming with a schedule, 3 days a week (Wednesday night/Thursday morning, Thursday night/Friday morning, and Friday night/Saturday morning, all at circa 3-6 am, give or take an hour for both the start/end times being as early as 2 am starting or as late as 4 am starting and going until as early as 5 am but as late as 7 am).

I'm furthering my work as a content creator, too, by compiling an entire list of things I want to make.
I'm working a lot, so like.

I'm making progress!

I feel like I am taking control of my life.

Very very slowly.

I'm still not quite doing everything I want to be doing. Not doing the walking (which I desperately need to do because I have zero stamina right now and get out of breath quickly and winded easily) yet, not brushing daily, not showering as often as I want to, not staying on top of everything I want to be, but like.

I'm getting more and more and more with time.

So like.

I'm thinking.

I can do this.

Phyrra and Cyrus, my dream of dreams to make, might be a long long ways away, but it starts with doing what I am doing. I genuinely think that the best way for me to make Phyrra and Cyrus a reality is for me to get people hyped about me making a project. Which I do by getting people to know me and know what I am doing.

It's slightly roundabout, but I also need the skills I am setting out to acquire. Video editing for a start, also sound editing, also animation.

Now, for Phyrra and Cyrus, I will need to hire people better than I will be to do that sort of thing.

But I still think that the content creation ideas that I want to make involving teaching myself those things...
...Will make making Phyrra and Cyrus that much easier as I will be able to demonstrate what I want to create easier and have a better idea of what needs to be done and so on and so forth.

(Also on that note, I still need to write the blog I have on Phyrra and Cyrus. So I don't forget about it altogether, it involves our alchemist and her aesthetic and how she presents herself and the breakthrough I had there in realizing something about her but again, need to do that later, can't do it tonight.)

Side-note, today marks me completing the first stage of units in my Civ 3 mod.
Next up is the buildings/wonders (I won't need to make the wonders for every city yet but I do need to make the buildable wonders at the very least), and then the governments, and then the techs, and then revising the resources/units/buildings/wonders/governments to fit the techs, and then manually building the map.

All in all I'd say that I'm about 12.5% done with the mod since getting what I've gotten is a significant amount of the work but there's a looooot more to do there.

​Also also: refill of hormones picked up, but the T-blocker's not as effective as I'd prefer. After my psychiatry appointment in November, will be needing to go back to the endocrinologist about this.

I did good on my job interview, received validation of my gender identity, and got a lot done.
I think that's a good start!

Now granted.

Still got more to do and tomorrow I have another interview.

Butstill.

​Progress! Lots of it!

My father said that he would not offer to make me breakfast anymore and today had a general mood of grumpiness about him--if this is the extent of his reaction to what I said, then it's Poke the Poodle levels of harmless. I mentioned yesterday that if my father continued to be more bark than bite, that I owe him more or less an apology as he would not nearly be as bad as I thought.

However, the waters get a lot muddier when you realize that he also said, "last year, your mother was considering kicking you out of the house because you have no job. I was against the idea. Consider that and what you said." (or something to that effect, at least).

Now, that could still be harmless--it could be just a statement of, "I am better than you think I am.". If this is what he meant, then he would in fact be right! He would in fact be better than I thought he was if all his rhetoric comes down to lots of bark, no real bite. I would be all too happy to admit that I was too harsh to him.

However, I'm still concerned. Because while that's one possible interpretation of what he said, the other possible interpretation is that it is a threat; of 'I did not kick you out but I am reconsidering that now'. If that is what he meant, then my viewpoint is going to be a lot less inaccurate.

For the longest of times, I've thought: my father loves who he thinks I am, but would not love me as I actually am. If my father's all bark and no bite, that'd be proven mostly wrong. He'd never be truly accepting of me, but he'd still treat me as family.

But if my father's bark is backed up with bite and the statement was in fact a threat, then it would turn out I was right. If he was against kicking me out before he knew I am a girl but me being a girl is enough to make him reconsider, then it would seem I was not in fact wrong in my assessment.

​Unfortunately, only time will tell.