If not blogging in three weeks wasn't a tipoff, let me make it official.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am in shambles right now.

My bipolar disorder's depression has been rearing its ugly head a lot as of late.

My chronic health issues have gotten much much worse as of late.

And then on top of that all, I was in a car crash on Saturday May 13th. And my car got totaled in the process, and I am the one liable for it, and it feels like everything which could go wrong, has.
I'm barely sleeping.
I'm unable to eat much despite knowing I should.
I'm still getting hungry, yet not getting enough food.
I'm not losing weight, though, so that's good, but the fact that I'm not likely means the stress is causing me to keep the weight as fat.
I'm not working out.
It's been weeks since I was on ComicFury.
I'm not staying up to date on discord at all. Literally every server I'm in, I haven't read in days upon days.

I know at one point, I had a thought of, "I've given up on life."

Because these issues build on each other, compounding one another.
My lack of good rest has ruined my freetime.
No free time, no time to get good mental health.
No good mental health, no good physical health.
No good physical health, no good rest.

I just have so much being wrong right now and what I have right is...

...That I'm not failing harder I guess.

I'm sorry I've been so silent.
I'm just...unable to...to exist, pretty much.

​Yet, having no choice but to...is quite the struggle.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

So while I wasted the majority of my day on TVTropes (whoops!) thanks to a relapse (it happens--I am a recovering Trope Addict, after all, who once had near-encyclopediac knowledge of tropes back when TVTropes sided more with FORKS than it did with SPOONS), and I missed movie night as a result of this oversight plus what I'm about to talk about, it was something I was overall willing to have missed out on.

Why?

...Because of what I got to see instead: my family, watching Murder, She Wrote. A series that I used to adore as a kid. My mom used to have a fanatical devotion to it (and I also remember Magnum P.I. a great deal as well by extent, since they were paired together in airings), and I'd watch it there with her. And watching the series now, as a young adult, I found it still entertaining, and not because of nostalgia. (Nostalgia helps me to overlook the flaws like it being more predictable and the actors overacting!)

I caught the majority of one episode, not even knowing what my family was watching, until I heard the name, "Fletcher." Even then, it wasn't until I listened to her voice that it began to click what they were watching, and even then, while my brain was going, "Hey!", it didn't settle in until I saw her and was like, "(Could it be...)They are!" (I was too embarrassed to admit how long it took me to figure it out. I thought they were watching some generic movie, maybe a comedy of some sort, then realized it was probably a murder mystery type thing, yet I was only out there to eat. So I wasn't paying that close attention to it at first, until I did figure it out. After which...well. Let's just say I didn't leave my spot.)

Ah, Cabot Cove. Jessica Fletcher. The memories came flooding back to me. In an instant. I fortunately didn't remember any of the plots, and while they weren't too hard to figure out, I was fine with that anyway, because I was enjoying it so much. That show was probably one of the most significant shows of my childhood. It's one of the things I bonded with my mother about. But more than that...a 'fun' fact about me is that at times, I gave up on reading books at all.

It was my fascination with the mystery genre that got me reading mystery books. Guess where that fascination came from? It came from the show. I loved murder mysteries. That Jessica Fletcher was herself a writer certainly didn't harm anything, either! So basically, I think that watching that show, however inadvertently, set off a ripple effect which put me on the course of path where I'd ultimately end up becoming a writer. (Ironically enough, though I've had a couple of stabs at it and a few jumbled messes that might as well be, mystery is one of the only genres that I CAN'T write well about. The closest I've gotten to a coherent mystery novel crossed over into romance and fantasy by having it be the murder victim, as a ghost, inciting a living person to help investigate the circumstances of his death. Yet that book is just one in a series of books that are in the Romance genre with any other genre being secondary!)

By watching that show and having the spark of curiosity in mysteries ignited, and with encouragement from my mom, I started really, really getting into reading mystery books: short illustrated children's books at first, before moving on to youth books like, I believe they were called, "The Harrison Brothers" series or something like that. And with me really, really into books, eventually, there was the spark inside me to begin writing one of my own.

Now, to be fair, I mainly attribute all of the above to my first English teacher, Mrs. Conley, who I also know reinvigorated my love of reading, and wanting to impress her (she was basically a secondary motherly figure to me, one who I never had bad moments were in contrast with my mom who I had bitter tantrums with) is the direct thought which sparked the first book I began. (I also know that the book was inspired by two time travel video games, Final Fantasy Legend III, AKA SaGa3, and Chrono Trigger.)

One book turned into two or three before I went online to try and improve and two or three turned into twenty turned into two-hundred and so on and so forth. The point of the matter is, though, that without the love of reading, I never would have had the thought to do writing (even if the imagination potential was always there). And that love of reading--especially early-on--was made from mystery, which was inspired directly from watching the series about it.

...Speaking of mysteries, I think that also directly contributed to my love--nay, obsession--with mafia games. I have always had that desire to solve puzzles since I was a kid. And what better puzzle to solve than the human one? A constantly-shifting, ever-evolving, changing puzzle in which the clues are different each time even if the basic scenario is identical. Given how much I value those, basically never wishing to give them up...is it any wonder I am glad I got to see the show tonight? It reminded me of all of the above, and basically told me, yes. That something so simple can mean so much to a young mind.

Pretty self-explanatory. I should have stuff to say, but I don't really.

My parents packed a lunch that was too light, so I was hungry, but probably for the better. In the middle of round-dancing, I suddenly felt not well. Not sick, but not well. It's not something that was there the entire time, either. It was one moment normal, the next, seriously not-well.

I did try sleeping it off, and I think that helped a bit, but my body's been lethargic since then.

...Buuuuuuut, I'm probably going to need an all-nighter to get all the stuff done I need to get done. There's no more holding back, no more improvising, no more excuses I can employ. I'm running on empty. I need to get my stuff together and actually do it.

In short...long day, but gonna be a much longer night.

So I forgot to mention why I didn't make my blog post yesterday in detail, and the reason why is because I was dead tired.

And let me be honest with you: I am now. Monday has been a VERY long day. Let's start with me almost being late for Kickboxing, because I needed to fill out the homework assignment I didn't do.

Then, I had my dialog with my partner in my communications class. Then, I discovered that most of the work that I had done for my group presentation in said class was probably going to be worthless, and that we would have to hash it out after class.

And it took several difficult communications before we were able to pull that off, too. (Turns out, I should be able to use enough. It's writing the speech I'm worried about.) But it gets worse. I discovered that today, my midterm paper was due...and I was not prepared for it, at all.

If that wasn't bad enough, I ALSO had a quiz due today in that same class! (Fortunately, electronically-submitted, butstill.) The quiz wasn't easy, either, being the wostly-worded one since the first quiz. And the midterm paper I didn't finish until Jeopardy was finished, and I'm still not sure it was coherent.

...Needless to say, today's been a really, really rough day. Busy. But some good has come of it! I decided to just throw together a scene from Disease. (Well, technically, its sequel.) It's one of the most powerful scenes, and I think that for throwing together writing on a whim, mentally writing the words as I was transitioning between classes and had a distraction in the form of having the text from my partner in mind, that it is phenominally good.

I'd link to it, but it's hosted on my private site. ("Huh? I thought your blog was." No, my blog is public. Just nobody knows about it! The site is private, by link only. And only my original, ORIGINAL circle of internet friends* got the link.)
*Actually, that's a lie. They weren't the original. I had another group before that was more associates, and another group which WAS friends, but there was bad blood between some of the members. This is the first group of well and true, proper, online friends; we even did the internet equivalent of going out to meet each other at locations, like a getogether!

But I digress. The point of this blog post is that I'm probably going to have issues keeping my blog up to date for the next...well, while. My classes take priority, and I do have rather the active life. So the info unfortunately might get slightly put on the backlog until I can actually sit down and type it all up.

...That having been said, today's the *perfect* day for me to make up for something!

I watched Dancing With the Stars tonight, obviously, along-side watching Castle (and reruns for half of DWTS via a recorder for my sister), but while that was happening, I was eating my cheeseburgers.

You know, the ones that I wanted to mention earlier but never got around to?

Yeah, them. So you have to understand, I am not the one cooking the hamburgers. (Though I imagine it's one of the few foods I could easily learn to perfect. After all, my dad learned how, and it doesn't look *that* hard. I just don't, since I don't need to.) However, I AM the one who prepares my own. The process starts with squirting a large amount of ketchup onto the burger's more well-done side, the less-well-done side facing down on the burner.

Then, I place cheese over the top of the burger, and then place the lid on top of the grill. This traps the heat from the pan, and the cheese is melted by the ambient temperature. (I imagine, anyway. This is me, BSing an explanation for something that I have only my best guess as to knowing. The point is, putting the lid on makes the cheese melt; I don't know the specifics. I thought it was just steam, but steam's not a requirement I recently learned.)

While the cheese is melting in the pan, I retrieve the buns, paint ketchup onto them, and then place potato chips on the buns. Once the cheese is melted, I take the lid off, if the frying pan is plugged in and/or on, I unplug it (often, it already is), place ketchup on both cheeseburgers again, put one burger on, place chips on it, put the other burger on, place chips on it, and then close it up, for a crunchy cheeseburger sandwhich.

Now, this might seem unusual. But it's a process that's built over time. The pan part is because microwaved cheese just doesn't taste the same. Originally, it was a small bit of ketchup below to add flavor, but I increased that later. (See below.) Said bit of ketchup helped a great deal with cooking, flavor, and texture. The ketchup on the bun painted is to make sure there's always ketchup, and no "dry" spots on the bun pop up. 

The extra bit of ketchup on top was there for tradition, since before the bit below the cheese was added, I had always done a bit above the cheese. It's the standard which is traditional for any who use ketchup on their cheeseburgers, so I've kept it. (I've got practical reasons for the double-dosage now, though--see below.) That near-ritualistic process built up and was practiced for years, until fairly recently, when I added in the chips. Simultaneously, the chips caused more ketchup.

What sparked the change? Inspiration from a staff meeting at work. Someone there had a McDonald's cheeseburger, that they stuffed with fries and then dipped in barbeque sauce. Now, I don't have any of that sauce around, nor do I have fries. But I do have ketchup and potato chips a plenty.

Besides, it wasn't that huge a leap--I put potato chips on my sloppy joe's anyway, because they add texture AND help to keep the goods inside the bun, so to speak, preventing spills. So I tried it out...and really, really liked the change.

Soyeah. There you have it. That's how I have my double-cheeseburgers at home. They're absolutely delicious. (A common trend, you'll find, is that I make foods that are lazy and easy to prepare, but put an extra spin on them--which takes extra time, but makes 'okay' food taste like heavenly food.) Now that I've fulfilled my blogging requirement for Monday, it's time for bed. (Well, not quite. Still got gaming stuff to take care of.)

Some day, I'm going to actually get around to talking about all those things I've promised to talk about.
Some day.

Not today.

Today, I'm talking about my stomach. I ate for my supper three pieces of leftover pizza, my PB&J, lunchmeat+cheese bagel sandwich x3 combo, and I'm at the weird zone where you're simultaneously full yet hungry. If you're anything like me, you know what I mean. That zone. Where the food is all there, and by all rights, you should be done, yet you still crave more, in spite of knowing that you shouldn't. Liquids are things you particularly can cram in, but you feel like just what you had is not enough, as if it was nothing.

This is in spite of me having eaten a snack of a big bowl of corn flakes, plus as part of that snack, a glass of orange juice and a glass of chocolate milk. And that snack wasn't too terribly long before the meal I just described as my dinner. Soyeah. I eat a ton. And in spite of that, I barely gain a pound. Something that'd make most people jealous, I'm sure, but keep in mind I'm underweight and that has health problems of its own (which I constantly have to monitor), and also that while the strength of youth is beginning to work its way out of my system, my body is still more 'teen' than 'adult'. And probably will be for a good 5-10 more years. After that, I'm sure I won't be able to pull this same stunt.

Hey, it's more interesting than it sounds! (By virtue of being weird, so not much, but hey, it's something.) I had PB&J, Lunchmeat+Cheese Bagel Sandwiches...three of them. And just so we're clear...that's peanut butter and (strawberry) jelly (actually, I think it was technically jam, but jam, jelly, and preservative--while all having a slightly different meaning--are effectively synonyms to me; I don't notice the difference even though there is one technically), spread on Thomas' bagels (because they have the best flavor and are big, filling, and in general, awesome bagels), with two slices of lunchmeat (might be turkey; I don't pay attention to the specifics) and two slices of cheese placed on to of that, to make an awesome meal.

Each element on their own is good. (Thomas' bagels are some of the only bagels I can eat plain, because they always taste good to me. PB&J is a classic. Lunchmeat and cheese is also a bit of a classic, and tastes good in a different way.) But they also combine really, really well, if you get the balance right. None of the elements are overpowering, overwhelming the taste buds. Each of them is there in balance, and you can taste them all. The PB&J has slight dominance over the lunchmeat and cheese, but that's okay because lunchmeat and cheese can taste a bit strong at times. But the bagel isn't lost in the mixture.

So it's delicious, and incredibly filling. (Fair warning, you need to be like me and have a bottomless pit of a stomach to eat as many as I did. One or two Thomas' bagels are either a meal or a significant section of a meal for most people; three of them, with toppings, is a lot more than that.) I also had after it a cup of orange juice, and before that (shortly after I got home from kickboxing), I had a glass of chocolate milk.

...It might not be the healthiest meal in existence, but it's better than the alternative: no meal at all, for someone that's got weight issues as it is. "Huh. Weight issues, and you eat a meal like that?" 


Yes, weight issues. I didn't say overweight, though. I'm a 6'2" stick, weighing in at a meager 140 pounds. I can afford to eat more than most people, because I need to gain weight, not lose it. Skipping a meal is very bad for me, since it does in fact cause me to lose weight if I continue that sort of negligence for too long. So the lunch I had was really, really good, both for my body and my taste buds. It does take some prep time, and it is a little bit messy annoyingly enough, but it's worth it to me.