I'm too tired and exhausted again. I don't know why, honestly. I should be getting enough food, and I didn't do much, but I feel extra drained again for some reason. I dunno. It might just be stress about all of the things I'm thinking of.

The main three being,
How to clean the apartment in three days;
Finances;
What happened last year and the bleedthrough into this year.

For the first, I dunno yet.
The second, "it's okay to need help" is essentially the mindset; I need to accept that I need to accept the help friends and family and loved ones have given.

And for the third...

"What was lost was not worth keeping", essentially.

I have been struggling with hypotheticals and thoughts of going public again. But my wife helped remind me, again, why we made the choice not to. We've got more important things to focus on. We've got a life to build. And most importantly of all...the people who are most important to us are the people who stay in our lives.

There are plenty of loved ones who value us. Who see us as us, and value us as friends. These people either heard us out, or just don't care what we did in the past. But in either case, they value the us we are now, the us we are as friends, they value the friendship, over anything we would have done in the past. (Most of which we're innocent of, mind you. Not all, of course! But most. To actually know we'd need to know exactly what we were accused of and then we'd be able to say, "oh yeah we're guilty of that" vs. "oh that's total bogus", but since nobody will share we largely just have to go off what we know and what we know is that we're humans who didn't do perfectly but also we're victims of a misinformation campaign, so. We know exactly what we did and didn't do and if ever asked would be able to say one way or the other for any given thing. It's just that nobody cares to--those who are our friends don't care to ask because they don't care and value us; those who cut us out don't care to ask because they don't care to hear our perspective, so nobody regardless of stance cares. So let the rumor mill go, it doesn't matter. It won't keep us from living our lives. But I digress.)

I still want to make a blog to air out some thoughts.

But also, I don't want to hyperfocus on it, for every blog to be about the past, what happened there. I can't rightly claim I'm moving on and focusing on the present and future if most of my blogs are focused on the past, now, can I? Yet at the same time, I also want my blog to be a means to share whatever is on my mind, and to be honest about it, and to be able to put it out there so I effectively delete it from my brain. To share in a form that is able to allow me to heal, and to explain my perspective.

After all, my perspective is one of ludicrous complexity.
I'll share what happened publicly, but not namedrop.
In private, I won't namedrop unless specifically prompted to confirm who I am talking about. (Basically, if people know who I'm talking about, I'll confirm, "yeah, that's who I'm talking about", but if they don't, I'm not going to namedrop.)
I don't want to spread my view that the problematic streamer is problematic to others, yet at the same time I believe the problematic streamer is problematic.
I believe the problematic streamer is problematic, but I also believe the problematic streamer despite being problematic is a good human.
I don't want the problematic streamer canceled, but I do want the problematic streamer held accountable, with my idea of accountability not including cancellation.
I don't want to go public (outside of mental spiral days like today at least), but I don't want problematic behavior to never come to light at all and lead to others having needlessly suffered.
I don't want to defend myself, but I also don't want lies about me to be treated like truth.
I don't want to lose people I care about, but I also don't want to put in the work to tell everyone my perspective (and by not sharing, some who I care about will be lost).
I don't want to lose people I care about, but at the same time I want the people in my life to genuinely care about me and see me as the me I am.

It's a lot of seeming contradictions, yet...things are complicated, and nuanced, and multi-faceted.
I don't want to say going public/whistleblowing would have been good/bad/etc. I think more good than harm would have come from it, but at the same time it wouldn't be something that is guaranteed to have been the best path forward.

And you know?

I actually like the path forward I am walking, overall.

I'm loved.
I have loved ones.
I have a lot of love to give others.
I'm creative.
I'm pursuing my creativity.

There's losses along the way. There's sacrifices to be made. There's choices to be made. There's things I have to accept:
By not fighting against the misinformation, all of those I lost will likely never return to my life;
By not fighting against the misinformation, I will likely lose more who fall prey to the misinformation;
To pursue the life I want, I'm not yet far enough in that I'm self-sufficient so I MUST accept the help of loved ones;
Success will take time;
I won't be able to help everyone I want to.

But at the same time--this feels like it's the way I most want to go, and the best way to go, at least with how life has gone.

It won't be easy, but I think it's what I want to pursue.

And for any who are along for the ride...thank you.

I guess I've got a blog after all.

​Sorry for not giving more, but I will always do the best I can. I hope you can do the same. <3

My body requires an annoyingly large amount of upkeep. I basically have a ridiculously fast metabolism which was meant to slow down except it never actually did. As stereotypical as it is, I have the metabolism of a teenage boy. Or maybe not quite that high, so let's say teenage girl. (Who are not the stereotype so I assume are still high consumers but not quite as high.) I need to eat a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'd roughly estimate probably in the 3,000 range to not have a deficit? I dunno how food really works for the body, honestly. But I need to eat a lot to maintain 100%.

Like...no matter how much or how little I eat I never gain or lose weight. Not in any significant notable amount. I average somewhere in the 148 range. If I am eating a lot and less active that can climb higher but never above 153. If I'm active and starving myself it can fall to like 143. But I don't really gain or lose any real notable weight. I have no idea why, but that's just the way my body works. (I know, a lot of people would consider this a good thing, but it's just a thing, neither good nor bad.)

All of this is to say, what I eat doesn't matter for my weight. But it does matter for my energy and my ability to function throughout the day. (I'm getting to the point, I promise.) When I'm not eating enough, I end up lethargic, lacking energy, drained easily, tired, mentally foggy, etc. And I require a ludicrously large amount of food to eat enough. We're talking three large meals a day as the bare minimum. Which, I can't always get.

And lately...I've been having the opposite.

My wife and I since we've gotten back from vacation have been surviving off a single container of Ritz per day. 1 - 2 Ritz cylinders, shared between us. Not each. That one or two packs, split between us. Half a pack, or one full pack, each. For the entire day. For the better part of three days in a row. While I was relatively physically active, no less.

Suffice to say, it had a rather...negative effect on my ability to function effectively. Like, it's enough to survive, but I was exactly the things I said above. Lethargic, lacking energy, easily drained, mentally foggy, easily stressed, highly depressed, etc. I was unable to really function at all.

...But now...today...I actually feel...well it's hard to tell, half of me right now feels fully full, half of me feels like I could have some more, so it's hard to say, but...I...might actually be full??? And like...for the first time since getting back, I don't feel drained. I feel energetic.

And more than that.

I'm feeling like I'm not sick anymore. Time will tell if I'm not actually sick, but I'm not feeling sick anymore.

And you know what?

All of this?

...Was only possible because of the support I received from loved ones.

My mom gave me just enough to deal with rent.
My dad paid for my car's tabs renewal.
But I still didn't have enough money for groceries after the literal thousands they bailed me out with.

Yet after I mentioned to my friends yesterday night what I was going through...

...They rallied to support me, and gave just enough money for me to get groceries today.

And because I was able to eat today, I am now feeling more alive.

I have received the support of so many who have given me just enough to make it by, this month.

The one and only thing I haven't dealt with is the company that I believe is illegally charging me.

Granted! I still have to pursue taking action against the illegal charges and fighting back.

And I need to find food banks that work with my work schedule so I can go to one after work.

And I need to look into things like food stamps.

And I need to do a lot of stuff still.

And I didn't quite have the ability to today because while I was gaining energy today, I didn't have the energy until about an hour ago.

But! I am feeling hopeful. I'm feeling energetic. I'm feeling loved.

I know that I've gotten this far off of loads of support I won't be able to pay back.

But I'm not starving anymore. I'm not in despair anymore. I'm feeling like, tomorrow, I can tackle everything.

I can't afford to slack off--but at the same time, I feel like, as long as I don't? As long as I take action and am proactive? I will be okay. Things will work out. It won't be easy. But I am rested and recharged--tomorrow, it's time to use that energy.

I am insanely blessed. But I want to use that blessing and not waste it.

Thank you, everyone. For getting me through this tough time.

In whatever way I can, I will pay you back. I might not be able to ever pay you back in any meaningful way--but I still will pay you back. Because when I am this loved, it only redoubles my resolve to spread the love. You all deserve it. <3

Physically it wasn't as taxing, but was still taxing due to a work incident--I'm not comfortable sharing the details in a public space (my online life and my work life for some reason have zero intermingling, but it's through no effort of mine; it's very easy to learn I am Bree Lewis of the Bellevue Y), but something at work was really draining and wasn't great. One of my bosses is...not thrilled at it.

Then after that, we went to the food bank for the first time. Despite this being a thing which shouldn't be done, half the food was already or is about to expire, but...it's still a release of a financial burden. We didn't get everything we need, but we got a lot we did, and by getting it, we can use it and by using it, we're not using as much food we have to buy. We still do need to buy SOME things, but we need to buy less.

It was hugely stressful, like on Monday.

But not as bad.

And at the end of the day...I still ended up getting a good deal done.

I got inspired to clean more, and my fiance having seen my ideas is inspired themself. Because they are inspired, the work is likely going to be done.

We took the time to begin pursuing taking control of our lives.

We've still got a lot more to do.
We still need to get the financial relief.
We still need to get the food program relief.
We still need to get the blood/plasma donations.
We still need to be smart and budget and such.

We still need to continue cleaning.

I still need to do my stream, which I put off doing today because of the things we needed to do.

I still need to do art.

I'm doing this blog, which is a nice start.

But, there is a lot more to do.

I'm just also saying we got a lot done to be proud of.

Mental is improving.
Physical is maintaining.
Financial is on the right track, with my raise being official. (It's a dollar less than I was hoping for, but it's still a ridiculously good raise.)

Things are improving, and I need to seize this momentum and keep it going.

So, tomorrow we pursue doing exactly that.

My watch broke, any we don't have the funds to replace it.

Our creamer went bad, and we don't have the funds to buy more.

We're running out of most of our food, including for lunch, and don't have the funds to buy more.

We can't find a lot of things, need to clean more.

We dealt with a lot of stress.

I ended up not wearing my uniform's shirt to work, needing to use a spare.

I was late to work.

I got hit by wave after wave of depression, each worse than the last--the kind of depression which would drag me down even if everything was perfect in life, and because things are terrible right now, it was all the worse.

Tonight, I streamed Stardew Valley, intent on it helping--but the stream was so scuffed that I ended up only feeling worse after.

I wasn't able to attend most streams I wanted to today and felt like a failure.

I'm just...

...like...

...this is a Monday of all Mondays.

Can't I have good things happen?

I didn't have literally nothing good.

I made a plurality breakthrough today.
I still streamed.
I got some good clips from the stream, or at least clips which would've been good if not for the scuff.

I am blogging today, for the third in a row.
Especially impressive since I streamed today!

My fiance made good dinner tonight and nailed a perfect cup of mocofftea--mocha coffee with tea in it.

And after I finish this blog, we'll be taking a shower, to wash the bad vibes away.

So, not all bad news.

It's just...can't I catch a break? Please??? I desperately need one. I need things to be going right. Just once. Please?

I'm trying. It's not like I'm slacking and just praying/hoping for a magical answer. I'm putting the work in. Can it please for once actually pan out??? We...desperately need it.

If not blogging in three weeks wasn't a tipoff, let me make it official.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am in shambles right now.

My bipolar disorder's depression has been rearing its ugly head a lot as of late.

My chronic health issues have gotten much much worse as of late.

And then on top of that all, I was in a car crash on Saturday May 13th. And my car got totaled in the process, and I am the one liable for it, and it feels like everything which could go wrong, has.
I'm barely sleeping.
I'm unable to eat much despite knowing I should.
I'm still getting hungry, yet not getting enough food.
I'm not losing weight, though, so that's good, but the fact that I'm not likely means the stress is causing me to keep the weight as fat.
I'm not working out.
It's been weeks since I was on ComicFury.
I'm not staying up to date on discord at all. Literally every server I'm in, I haven't read in days upon days.

I know at one point, I had a thought of, "I've given up on life."

Because these issues build on each other, compounding one another.
My lack of good rest has ruined my freetime.
No free time, no time to get good mental health.
No good mental health, no good physical health.
No good physical health, no good rest.

I just have so much being wrong right now and what I have right is...

...That I'm not failing harder I guess.

I'm sorry I've been so silent.
I'm just...unable to...to exist, pretty much.

​Yet, having no choice but to...is quite the struggle.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

So while I wasted the majority of my day on TVTropes (whoops!) thanks to a relapse (it happens--I am a recovering Trope Addict, after all, who once had near-encyclopediac knowledge of tropes back when TVTropes sided more with FORKS than it did with SPOONS), and I missed movie night as a result of this oversight plus what I'm about to talk about, it was something I was overall willing to have missed out on.

Why?

...Because of what I got to see instead: my family, watching Murder, She Wrote. A series that I used to adore as a kid. My mom used to have a fanatical devotion to it (and I also remember Magnum P.I. a great deal as well by extent, since they were paired together in airings), and I'd watch it there with her. And watching the series now, as a young adult, I found it still entertaining, and not because of nostalgia. (Nostalgia helps me to overlook the flaws like it being more predictable and the actors overacting!)

I caught the majority of one episode, not even knowing what my family was watching, until I heard the name, "Fletcher." Even then, it wasn't until I listened to her voice that it began to click what they were watching, and even then, while my brain was going, "Hey!", it didn't settle in until I saw her and was like, "(Could it be...)They are!" (I was too embarrassed to admit how long it took me to figure it out. I thought they were watching some generic movie, maybe a comedy of some sort, then realized it was probably a murder mystery type thing, yet I was only out there to eat. So I wasn't paying that close attention to it at first, until I did figure it out. After which...well. Let's just say I didn't leave my spot.)

Ah, Cabot Cove. Jessica Fletcher. The memories came flooding back to me. In an instant. I fortunately didn't remember any of the plots, and while they weren't too hard to figure out, I was fine with that anyway, because I was enjoying it so much. That show was probably one of the most significant shows of my childhood. It's one of the things I bonded with my mother about. But more than that...a 'fun' fact about me is that at times, I gave up on reading books at all.

It was my fascination with the mystery genre that got me reading mystery books. Guess where that fascination came from? It came from the show. I loved murder mysteries. That Jessica Fletcher was herself a writer certainly didn't harm anything, either! So basically, I think that watching that show, however inadvertently, set off a ripple effect which put me on the course of path where I'd ultimately end up becoming a writer. (Ironically enough, though I've had a couple of stabs at it and a few jumbled messes that might as well be, mystery is one of the only genres that I CAN'T write well about. The closest I've gotten to a coherent mystery novel crossed over into romance and fantasy by having it be the murder victim, as a ghost, inciting a living person to help investigate the circumstances of his death. Yet that book is just one in a series of books that are in the Romance genre with any other genre being secondary!)

By watching that show and having the spark of curiosity in mysteries ignited, and with encouragement from my mom, I started really, really getting into reading mystery books: short illustrated children's books at first, before moving on to youth books like, I believe they were called, "The Harrison Brothers" series or something like that. And with me really, really into books, eventually, there was the spark inside me to begin writing one of my own.

Now, to be fair, I mainly attribute all of the above to my first English teacher, Mrs. Conley, who I also know reinvigorated my love of reading, and wanting to impress her (she was basically a secondary motherly figure to me, one who I never had bad moments were in contrast with my mom who I had bitter tantrums with) is the direct thought which sparked the first book I began. (I also know that the book was inspired by two time travel video games, Final Fantasy Legend III, AKA SaGa3, and Chrono Trigger.)

One book turned into two or three before I went online to try and improve and two or three turned into twenty turned into two-hundred and so on and so forth. The point of the matter is, though, that without the love of reading, I never would have had the thought to do writing (even if the imagination potential was always there). And that love of reading--especially early-on--was made from mystery, which was inspired directly from watching the series about it.

...Speaking of mysteries, I think that also directly contributed to my love--nay, obsession--with mafia games. I have always had that desire to solve puzzles since I was a kid. And what better puzzle to solve than the human one? A constantly-shifting, ever-evolving, changing puzzle in which the clues are different each time even if the basic scenario is identical. Given how much I value those, basically never wishing to give them up...is it any wonder I am glad I got to see the show tonight? It reminded me of all of the above, and basically told me, yes. That something so simple can mean so much to a young mind.

Pretty self-explanatory. I should have stuff to say, but I don't really.

My parents packed a lunch that was too light, so I was hungry, but probably for the better. In the middle of round-dancing, I suddenly felt not well. Not sick, but not well. It's not something that was there the entire time, either. It was one moment normal, the next, seriously not-well.

I did try sleeping it off, and I think that helped a bit, but my body's been lethargic since then.

...Buuuuuuut, I'm probably going to need an all-nighter to get all the stuff done I need to get done. There's no more holding back, no more improvising, no more excuses I can employ. I'm running on empty. I need to get my stuff together and actually do it.

In short...long day, but gonna be a much longer night.

So I forgot to mention why I didn't make my blog post yesterday in detail, and the reason why is because I was dead tired.

And let me be honest with you: I am now. Monday has been a VERY long day. Let's start with me almost being late for Kickboxing, because I needed to fill out the homework assignment I didn't do.

Then, I had my dialog with my partner in my communications class. Then, I discovered that most of the work that I had done for my group presentation in said class was probably going to be worthless, and that we would have to hash it out after class.

And it took several difficult communications before we were able to pull that off, too. (Turns out, I should be able to use enough. It's writing the speech I'm worried about.) But it gets worse. I discovered that today, my midterm paper was due...and I was not prepared for it, at all.

If that wasn't bad enough, I ALSO had a quiz due today in that same class! (Fortunately, electronically-submitted, butstill.) The quiz wasn't easy, either, being the wostly-worded one since the first quiz. And the midterm paper I didn't finish until Jeopardy was finished, and I'm still not sure it was coherent.

...Needless to say, today's been a really, really rough day. Busy. But some good has come of it! I decided to just throw together a scene from Disease. (Well, technically, its sequel.) It's one of the most powerful scenes, and I think that for throwing together writing on a whim, mentally writing the words as I was transitioning between classes and had a distraction in the form of having the text from my partner in mind, that it is phenominally good.

I'd link to it, but it's hosted on my private site. ("Huh? I thought your blog was." No, my blog is public. Just nobody knows about it! The site is private, by link only. And only my original, ORIGINAL circle of internet friends* got the link.)
*Actually, that's a lie. They weren't the original. I had another group before that was more associates, and another group which WAS friends, but there was bad blood between some of the members. This is the first group of well and true, proper, online friends; we even did the internet equivalent of going out to meet each other at locations, like a getogether!

But I digress. The point of this blog post is that I'm probably going to have issues keeping my blog up to date for the next...well, while. My classes take priority, and I do have rather the active life. So the info unfortunately might get slightly put on the backlog until I can actually sit down and type it all up.

...That having been said, today's the *perfect* day for me to make up for something!

I watched Dancing With the Stars tonight, obviously, along-side watching Castle (and reruns for half of DWTS via a recorder for my sister), but while that was happening, I was eating my cheeseburgers.

You know, the ones that I wanted to mention earlier but never got around to?

Yeah, them. So you have to understand, I am not the one cooking the hamburgers. (Though I imagine it's one of the few foods I could easily learn to perfect. After all, my dad learned how, and it doesn't look *that* hard. I just don't, since I don't need to.) However, I AM the one who prepares my own. The process starts with squirting a large amount of ketchup onto the burger's more well-done side, the less-well-done side facing down on the burner.

Then, I place cheese over the top of the burger, and then place the lid on top of the grill. This traps the heat from the pan, and the cheese is melted by the ambient temperature. (I imagine, anyway. This is me, BSing an explanation for something that I have only my best guess as to knowing. The point is, putting the lid on makes the cheese melt; I don't know the specifics. I thought it was just steam, but steam's not a requirement I recently learned.)

While the cheese is melting in the pan, I retrieve the buns, paint ketchup onto them, and then place potato chips on the buns. Once the cheese is melted, I take the lid off, if the frying pan is plugged in and/or on, I unplug it (often, it already is), place ketchup on both cheeseburgers again, put one burger on, place chips on it, put the other burger on, place chips on it, and then close it up, for a crunchy cheeseburger sandwhich.

Now, this might seem unusual. But it's a process that's built over time. The pan part is because microwaved cheese just doesn't taste the same. Originally, it was a small bit of ketchup below to add flavor, but I increased that later. (See below.) Said bit of ketchup helped a great deal with cooking, flavor, and texture. The ketchup on the bun painted is to make sure there's always ketchup, and no "dry" spots on the bun pop up. 

The extra bit of ketchup on top was there for tradition, since before the bit below the cheese was added, I had always done a bit above the cheese. It's the standard which is traditional for any who use ketchup on their cheeseburgers, so I've kept it. (I've got practical reasons for the double-dosage now, though--see below.) That near-ritualistic process built up and was practiced for years, until fairly recently, when I added in the chips. Simultaneously, the chips caused more ketchup.

What sparked the change? Inspiration from a staff meeting at work. Someone there had a McDonald's cheeseburger, that they stuffed with fries and then dipped in barbeque sauce. Now, I don't have any of that sauce around, nor do I have fries. But I do have ketchup and potato chips a plenty.

Besides, it wasn't that huge a leap--I put potato chips on my sloppy joe's anyway, because they add texture AND help to keep the goods inside the bun, so to speak, preventing spills. So I tried it out...and really, really liked the change.

Soyeah. There you have it. That's how I have my double-cheeseburgers at home. They're absolutely delicious. (A common trend, you'll find, is that I make foods that are lazy and easy to prepare, but put an extra spin on them--which takes extra time, but makes 'okay' food taste like heavenly food.) Now that I've fulfilled my blogging requirement for Monday, it's time for bed. (Well, not quite. Still got gaming stuff to take care of.)

Some day, I'm going to actually get around to talking about all those things I've promised to talk about.
Some day.

Not today.

Today, I'm talking about my stomach. I ate for my supper three pieces of leftover pizza, my PB&J, lunchmeat+cheese bagel sandwich x3 combo, and I'm at the weird zone where you're simultaneously full yet hungry. If you're anything like me, you know what I mean. That zone. Where the food is all there, and by all rights, you should be done, yet you still crave more, in spite of knowing that you shouldn't. Liquids are things you particularly can cram in, but you feel like just what you had is not enough, as if it was nothing.

This is in spite of me having eaten a snack of a big bowl of corn flakes, plus as part of that snack, a glass of orange juice and a glass of chocolate milk. And that snack wasn't too terribly long before the meal I just described as my dinner. Soyeah. I eat a ton. And in spite of that, I barely gain a pound. Something that'd make most people jealous, I'm sure, but keep in mind I'm underweight and that has health problems of its own (which I constantly have to monitor), and also that while the strength of youth is beginning to work its way out of my system, my body is still more 'teen' than 'adult'. And probably will be for a good 5-10 more years. After that, I'm sure I won't be able to pull this same stunt.