It's just that with shutdown week at work, I don't work for six days (stupid bloody staff meeting scheduled during last day of shutdown week means I don't quite get the full week). No work, no need to go to bed at midnight. Also, with depression set in as well (it comes and goes but is still definitely here to some extent), I had free time.

Lots of free time.

As in.

"Binge-read about 840ish comics in a night", time--albeit spread out across two comics. One appears to be on a hiatus for whatever reason (the tvtropes page didn't mention why, but it's probably something which I could track down the info on why if I searched, but I don't need it to recognize that not updating for a year is a hiatus for some reason), but was quite the good read in the form of dream*scar.

The other still updates, and is called The Fantasy Adventures of Jack Cannon. Though I haven't read them yet, I also picked up two extra comics which I may or may not get around to binge-reading this week. I just...kinda...felt like reading, I guess? Depression tends to be the time I do a lot of that. Comics can be kinda uplifting to read (even if the content is anything but--within reason), and for some reason I just am really good at reading stuff.

Those 800 pages? It was done in less than three hours. That's about my estimate, at least. Didn't mark the exact begin time, but I know that I started well after midnight--I started on TVTropes, with a browse based around the EGS trivia page (image liiiiiiiiinks), and it was only from there after reading multiple pages (well parts of them anyway) that I found the comics, which is where my estimate comes in.

I'm guessing that the TVTropes browsing concluded at about 1:30ish? Okay so maybe it was under four hours, but I was finished before 5:30. Depending on my start time, then, guess it may or may not be that impressive. But to give you an idea of the TVTropes browsing I did, it was the pages The Atoner, Chirping Crickets, Conveniently Seated, Deadly Upgrade, Defensive What, Defrosting Ice Queen, Differently Dressed Duplicates, Distracted By My Own Sexy, Dope Slap, Education Mama, Fantastically Indifferent, Faux Yay, Filler Strips, Flat What, Gender Bender, Hates Being Touched, Humanity Ensues, and Hyperspace Mallet.

I started after midnight, made my way through all of those, then started the webcomics, and did that in less than five hours, sooooo. Reference point, kinda sorta. Point is. Pretty sure that's not a normal reading speed and that most people can do less than that in that amount of time.

One of my gifts, I guess.

Once more, by the way, my conclusion's the same as I made originally; reading vastly enriches my life, but largely gives me nothing except a method of doing something other than sleeping to deal with the depression. When you don't feel like doing anything else...it is something that at least feels like it had purpose, because, again. Enrichment. I feel genuinely enriched by the experience.

Not, mind you, particularly inspired (though there's a really good EGS sketchbook entry I'm deliberately not moving past because reading it was incredibly inspiring and I'm hoping that rereading it will get me reinspired when the depression wave has faded), but still enriched. I don't see anything productive from spending the time reading the stories/tropes. But it still felt good, and it felt like it was something that I was better for having read. 

Which, given the depression, is about as much as I can really ask for.

Oh and by the way--speaking of the time. Did I mention it's almost six am? I should probably go to bed soon. The coffee I had six hours ago's by now fully worn off. Not that that was what was stopping me from going to bed mind you. But. It contributes. I'm not particularly tired (tired enough to go rambling on in the magic productivity zone of "tired enough to wander, not tired enough to not be able to be any semblance of coherent"), but I can feel the sensation of tiredness and even if I couldn't...

...Objectively. I kinda know I should be going to bed anyway.

Soyeah.
Spent the night reading.

​Now to spend half the day sleeping.

In my defense, when I wake up at like 2 pm, have to spend most of that time prepping for the staff meeting, leave for said staff meeting, and don't get home until 9:30ish, doesn't leave me a lot of time in a day.

Soyeah, this is a day where I really didn't do much, because there wasn't anything I could do, not really, given the limited amount of time.

The best I did was what I dreamed last night, which was a game. It involved zombies, and more or less had three "base" storylines...with a twist, that you could switch storylines to some degree (not quite, it was complicated), and replay past missions to try the other storylines...but the game would remember which storylines you did first and that would have a "corrupting" effect on your attempt to play through the other storylines differently...

...Leading to a total of like 12-15+ storylines total, but still following more or less a Good/Bad/Ugly format with 'Good' as being doing the right thing and trying to survive and more or less acting as a humanitarian/civilian, 'Bad' in this case being the sentient zombie virus (it isn't just a plague, it literally has a mind of its own and the mind is pure evil), and the 'Corrupt' more or less being the 'following orders' militaristic/corporate dystopian vibe where they are corrupt and want to make use of the virus but do need to make some efforts to take decisions different from what the zombie path would be.

It was a quite interesting game idea but not one which I can remember vividly to ever make reality--plus it was contrived, convoluted, and complex enough that I don't think it'd actually be possible to code in the way I saw it in my dream? It was basically like a game designed to be played in a dream. Which was exactly what I was doing; I was playing the game in my dream.

It had pretty darn good storylines, too, but that's usually the case when I bring zombies into my dreams. (They often have very depressing undertones of repeating history often getting worse and worse outcomes until my subconscious gets sick of all the depressing deaths and inserts a magical way for things to go better; not perfectly, but a way for things to turn interesting.)

Butyeah, that's all I've got.
I have work tomorrow so I need bed now.

I played until 5 am, and started...when did I start exactly? Hmm...before midnight it'd seem. 11:30ish. Which would mean basically almost six hours pretty continuously.

I have a problem.

It's not all bad tho.

Today I did extensive work on my civ 3 mod, too.

I just did it earlier!

Tomorrow's gonna be a catch-up-on-errands day most likely.

Aside from the shift itself already being brutal, there's the fact that my shift ended at 9, I got home at like 9:45...and I work at 9 tomorrow, meaning leaving at 8, meaning getting up at 7, meaning latest bed time of 1.

...It's 12:51 right now and counting.

...That time might seem like a lot, but three hours is nothing when it comes to filling my routine. I need to attend to various miscellaneous stuff, including eating, in that time, and all-around?

I had zero me-time; everything I did was an obligation in need of attendance.

I wanted me-time.

I have had the desire to rant in my blog about real life stuff in my life for the last few days--I've since forgotten, but even if I did remember, no time anymore because of this schedule.
I have had the desire to talk about an actual idea of mine! One I've talked about recently, but which is not the civ 3 game mod.
I have had the desire to work on said mod, but not the time.

I basically haven't been able to do anything, because I've been too busy.

And thus.

​Work sometimes sucks.

So this'll go down as a Saturday entry technically, in spite of it really being a Friday entry. I'll have to make sure that I blog tomorrow before midnight so as to not mess the archives up, which is the reason I'm not putting this on Friday. (If I did, it'd appear before my previous entry.)

The good news is...
...I think I have a semi-coherent, semi-solidified tech tree!

The bad news is, some techs may be in awkward orders...and the tech tree doesn't QUITE work as-is right now.

To wit:
​I didn't research this more specifically, but eyeballing tech trees, at the very top, a tech tree line can hold EITHER: 3-4 techs with 3-4 items within the row, OR: approximately 6 techs with 1 item within the row.
Elsewhere, not blocked by the science adviser, it's about 4-5 techs with 3-4 items within the row, OR: approximately 8 techs with 1 item within the row.

By my eyeball estimate, each column/level of the tech tree can hold 6-8 total items (1-2 of them being in the "top zone").

That means that the low-ball estimate we're going for is (6 * 4) + (6 * 3) = 42 techs per level, distributed appropriately.

And if we're lucky enough to score the high estimate, we get (8 * 5) + (8 * 6) = 88 techs per level, more than enough.

...The problem lies in the distribution.

There are 12 steps right now in the modern tech tree--a full 4-6 steps over the maximum.
The second and first ages (at 8 and 7, respectively) are little better in that regard.
The only one which is fine is the third age, at 6 steps of techs.
Meaning each and every single one of my ages is at risk of violating the maximum allowed width, of being too long, of the row continuing too far.

...And the techs in each column aren't much better. 
The modern age is fine, but the third age has a 6, a 9, a 7, and an 8. The 9 definitely won't fit and the rest doubtfully will.
The second age isn't much better--two 6s, and a 7.
And the first age? Two 7s and a 9.

These being the more notable numbers, with others still being 5 and below.

Right now the first age, cut down pretty darn far, is at 45 techs total.
The second age fares little better, at 41.
The third age is a far more manageable 34, with the modern age at an even better 28.

Which if you do the math, is 148 techs total.
This is probably the final number for what I need.

I just need to create the gymnastics necessary for this.
Part of this process, too, will be figuring out what things are assigned to what techs.
I can safely assume...oh wait, looks like I forgot the governments a little bit. Which ones do I need? 
Blood Cult, Tribal Council, Oligarchy, Imperialism.
Welp, that makes it 154 techs total.
And adds another two 6s to the first age, totaling 48 now.
With the second age now having 42.

But as I was saying.
I can safely assume government techs will pull double duty in most cases.
I can safely assume many military techs will be for multiple things.

I can also safely assume that these things can be mapped successfully.
In fact, let me try to do exactly that.
I'll see if there's any which I can cut out.
​This might be stepping ahead a little bit, but I think this is worth it in the end.

It's most of the way to being 6 am, and I'm still awake.

Was reading much further into Worm; just finished Drone 23.1. Honestly at this point--I may know only a single incredibly mild spoiler; literally everything else I can think of that I knew in advance when starting, has already transpired.

​Totally worth it, though.

I could formulate words, and did so, but I was basically, start to finish, in every aspect of my life, unable to really formulate thoughts. This morning at work, for instance, I thought I might actually have a day of being fully nonverbal. (That may sound ridiculous...but if you could have seen how I was, then you'd understand why I had that thought.) I did eventually talk to family, but mostly just automatic stuff.

Even in written words, I didn't think much. I mean, I did a little, and the further into the day it went (especially once I got to talk to my girlfriend), the better it was, but all said and done, altogether, today is a not-very-active-brain day. It's not that I've been vegging out.

I know the feeling of vegging out; if this were vegging out, I'd describe it as vegging out. It's just flat-out not being able to truly think on a deeper level, for far more than I should.

Admittedly, I wrote this one plagiarizing from this:

...But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It's not an exact duplicate, but if you listen to that and then read what I wrote, you'll see the parallels fairly easily and understand why it is unambiguously stealing from them.

I decided to call it "I'm not better off dead".

It goes like so.

When I was born,
I didn't ask for this
Yet I have no less right to exist.

I've been torn
Stuck in-between
What I feel and my upbringing.

I'm in pain
Taught what I am isn't right
Yet there's nothing wrong with my mind

I know the hate
It's deeply affected me
But I'm still a human being


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


When I seek comfort
I can't turn to my family
They'd reject me as a fiend

I am hurt
I want to live my life
So why do I suffer this strife

I've been down
I struggle not to be
I shouldn't live with the bigotry.

I'm not loud
I can't express myself
So I've been living in a hell.


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(The bridge would be an instrumental.)

It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


This isn't necessarily a song written about me, but my living situation was obviously the main inspiration behind the lyrics, with a touch of making it more generic so that it'd be something anyone !cishet (take your choice in terminology) could identify with, but also touch on deeper subjects like feeling suicidal, being disowned, and so on, for things out of their ability to control, and the ignorance to come with it, and so on and so forth.

I wake up and just really don't feel like going to work, but force myself to go anyway. Initially I start out feeling fairly bad, but then shortly after, as if my body suddenly wakes up, I hit my stride and feel fine...for a few hours. And then. CRASH. I want to go home, and yet have time left in my shift still.

And when I do get home, I just sorta...collapse.

​I need to get better.

Today, I felt like I was actually recovering! I didn't feel fully recovered, but I felt like I was at least beginning to recover! I wasn't tired, had no fever, no cough, not so much as a sore throat. Everything was fine.

...Until about an hour before tae kwon do.

At which point.
I started coughing.
I suddenly developed a sore throat.
All my energy vanished.
And I began to feel like I was burning up, feverish.

With a vengeance, the sickness was back and plagued me for the rest of the day pretty much.

I'm not getting better.