I mean, that it's 5:30 am while I'm writing this should clue folks into that.

I could've done a stream. It would've been a shorter one, but I could've. I should've to be honest. But, I was so exhausted I just didn't have it in me. I was dead tired at the time. I've gained lucidity by chilling, but I honestly don't think I would've woken up had I tried to stream, meaning I'd have been left feeling much much more tired.

I didn't game.

I didn't do much of anything, honestly.

But, well. I might not make a good blog but I am at least okay.

I should mention the big work issue I was having was resolved Tuesday, so it's okay there. I'm rattled, but it looks like I'll be fine.

Just, I need to take the night off to recover.

I'll need to point to this blog tomorrow tho and say "Bree, no excuses. None. You stream tomorrow. Period."
​'Cause I do need to!

I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.

When it comes to activities I am pouring countless hours into playing league/tft trying to complete the quest before it ends, in spite of knowing that I can't because Riot Games made their quest basically impossible to finish. I've had to have spent hundreds of hours on literally hundreds of games and I've not gotten the epilogue completed and am not even close to rank 3 on the characters. I did the math and to just get from tier 2 to tier 3 could potentially take 1000 games in a worst case scenario, so like.

I can't complete it.

It's literally impossible.

But I am still sacrificing so much in a futile attempt to do so. Because I hold onto false hope that if I don't give up hope, if I keep pushing, that it's possible.

And when I inevitably fail, that'll mean the worst of both worlds: I'll hate myself for having not pushed further; I'll hate myself for having tried, wasting time on a game that I should be playing for fun but which I am now very very very heavily burnt out on.

I'm also quite miffed that, yeah, bot games don't count. They used to for prior events. Now they don't. Bot games took less time and less stress, so I could grind them out without burnout. But with every game being PvP, that means every game requires me to actually be pouring too much time into how to win, and then not actually manage it half the time.

Beyond that, I hate myself for what I am doing tonight which will bleed into tomorrow.

I knew when tonight was an anime night among friends that I would need to give up on something.

I can make it to work on time (top priority); I can do my proper workout tomorrow; I can take a shower tomorrow; I can get a good full proper night's sleep; I could be a part of the hangout start to finish.

But I can't do all five. I can definitely manage 3, and if I'm lucky, 4, but something has to give and I really don't like it.

I hate it.

I want to keep up my health momentum, which losing one of those is going to really hurt.

Not that I have much momentum from today as I sacrificed a proper workout for the futile league work. Which also caused me to sacrifice streaming, and/or working on my novel.

So like.

I am making decisions and most of them are not the right ones.

Hanging out tonight? A right one.
But not a decision without consequence, and I have no clue what the right decisions for tomorrow will be.

I streamed, what can I say?

I go into true degen hours when streaming, so late that it becomes early.

Is necessary, but is also something that means I will be going to wake up quite late on Saturday since to most people Saturday has already begun.

I've not been doing my workout routine in half a week, but I think that, even with the stream tonight, I can make it work tomorrow since Saturdays are just runs and TKD work, mostly. (Plus some skincare and mouth hygiene.)

Anyway, we made very good progress in my novel, I actually got some fairly good help from someone who popped in for half of the stream, and we've got a start to it. I'll be writing more than just on stream, hopefully, but hey. We got the start, and now we can keep going whenever possible.

​But first: we're past any sane bedtime so need sleep.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

I'm literally doing nothing with it.

The stars are aligning for me to have creativity.

So with everything going my way in terms of scheduling, I should be able to make something of it, right?

Right?

...As it turns out, no.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to stream today, so I didn't stream, in spite of promising that I would stream. I've gathered a lot more attention to myself in the last couple of months, so if I got back into streaming, there's a fairly high chance I'd have people actually show up, which would get me to my goals.

But to get to those goals I'd need to actually stream, and I didn't.

I even opened XSplit to stream.
I didn't stream tho.

I have wanted to write a twitter thread or blog post about why my handle on twitter is, in contrast to where it is everywhere else (rBree2), why my handle there is The_Descended. And how I have had the inspiration to work a lot on that. (Speaking of which, mental reminder to myself to not forget about the rules of ghost procreation and Aria's brother's true middle/last name and Aria's true middle/last name and how I did the math wrong on Aria's age.)

I have the idea to work on the characters page and the art there, and I know I can do it.

I just need to actually do it.

I've wanted to work more on the Civ 3 mod, but never have made the time for it.

I've wanted to beat the Time Devourer in Chrono Trigger, and even told myself I'd do that today. I didn't.

I've wanted to continue the grind in FFVII. I didn't.

I have a bunch of blogs that I want to make, and my notes keep on piling up.

From yesterday, we've got an RPG game that combines from at least nine different sources. (Dungeons & Dragons all, Adventure Quest + Dragon Fable classes/monsters, MARDEK RPG all parts, Epic Battle Fantasy all 5, Majesty 1/2 Heroes/Items/Monsters, Gauntlet Dark Legacy characters/items, SaGa 1/2/3 all, Chrono Trigger all, Final Fantasy all.)

I've got notes for The Descended, and a lot on Davos specifically.

Today I had something to do with plurality that I want to vent about.

I've got a mafia article to finish writing.

I've got a mafia game to finish designing.

I've got a Team Fortress 2esque Wild West game idea to talk about.
I've got a Demonic Possession J-RPG game idea to talk about.

I've got to record/make twitter posts that I have had for months.

I've got an ambitious story idea ideally told in manga form about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting where it's basically a Fantasy setting set in the far future where it's effectively Star Wars, but more fantasy, with magic instead of the force and Paladins instead of Jedi and Death Knights instead of Sith and Light Blades instead of Lightsabers.

I've got an ambitious world idea which combines aspects of Marvel, DC, and other comics, and yet puts my own unique spin/twist on them.

I've still got that Power Rangers ramble to make.

I've got stream stuff to do.

I've got a song to finish writing, then perform.

​I have a bunch of art stuff that I want to do, notably, an art piece of me to complete by the 25th, which will be the one-year anniversary of my having come out.

I need to ask someone who made a gift piece of art of me if it's okay to use/share elsewhere.

I have all of that to do, and so, so, so much more.

And yet I did none of that.

I did do a couple things. I checked medical stuff, which I needed to do.
I made progress in Castle 4-0 in minecraft.

But most of my day was spent wasting time on League of Legends.

Granted, I'm progressing Challenges quite nicely, and it's actually fun!

It's just that.

I'm literally at 4:15 am and counting, and have done...nothing.

I'm not living.

I'm not making good use of my time.

I'm not doing tangible work of any time, or progressing any of my goals.

I've done nothing.

And again.

The stars literally aligned to give me the free time to have a chance to accomplish something.

I'm never going to get a better chance than this.

And yet I squandered it.

I haven't even done hygiene!

It's a miracle I've not forgotten my medication, at this rate.

But like.

I have so so so much that I have the potential to accomplish.

I have done none of it.

Not even the very-important-thing of the IRS mail I received that's a big scary thing I need to talk to work HR about.

​And don't get me wrong.
I get it.

I'm depressed.
Badly so.

But the things I did today were largely me running away from my problems.

It's not that I did them to have fun.

I did them to escape from the responsibilities I have.
I knew it was for that purpose when I started them.
And I knew it after I finished them.

That I was in a bad slump, and needed to do something in that time because it's impossible to do truly nothing.
But my reaction to being in the slump was to do the things that are as close as I can get to doing nothing.
I knew that going in, and I know it after.

I knew I would regret it going in, and sure enough I regret it after.

Yes, I am genuinely having fun playing League.

But I know that it is the worst possible usage of my time.

I genuinely can't think of a worse usage of my time. I can't sleep to waste the amount of time that game wasted. I can't listen to streams, just streams, for the amount of time that game wasted. So like.

What could I do which would possibly be even less productive?

Literally nothing.

I chose the least productive thing to do, effectively just to kill my mind and just...well, I've ceased to function already due to the depression, but I gamed the worst waste of time just because I didn't want to do anything to counter the depression and did the activity which most feeds into the depression.

The depression is bad.

And I am doing nothing about it.

I've felt bored out of my mind in the last two days, but the truth of the matter is, I've rejected literally every opportunity I was given to do anything satisfying.

So I am left here to rot.

Because I am wasting my life.

Why can't I just.

Do something?

Anything?

What makes it so hard for me to exist?

I haven't investigated the game I've been playing recently either.

I'm doing nothing.

This blog is the most productive I've been all week, and it's just a rant about how I've not been productive all week.

​So that really says something about how pathetic I am, doesn't it?

I can't even read comics/novels/TVTropes/etc. to satisfy my urges.

Nothing I am doing is working.

I just want to be something resembling anything right now.

But I'm not.
​And I never will be.

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

I'm not surprised at the time, I knew it was this late, but I'm surprised at how fast it takes to get to this time especially given I don't know what I was doing in the time prior to that. I knew it was 3 when it was 3, I knew it was 4 when it was 4 (as I type this, it's 4:20 noice), I knew it was 2 when it was 2, but how I managed to get so little done? That I don't have any idea about.

​I'll not get anything done tomorrow (in fact I'll need to skip blogging tomorrow due to Wednesday Closer into Thursday Opener so you'll see now blog from me tomorrow, sorry), but with luck, after that, I'll be getting more done again.

I swore I saw it be 1:30 like an hour ago and that it was 2:30 but apparently it's 4 am???

I might've had something to say, but looks like I'll be just going to bed, sorry.

I will say tho that I am trying to get back into content creation.

It's just...I'm not executing on my vision.

Still tried.

It's just that what I uploaded was awful, I legit don't know why I bothered advertising it because my execution of my idea botched the humor behind it.

It started with snow--lots and lots of snow.
Lots and lots and lots of snow. (Ultimately, over a foot of snow.)

Then, work was canceled. After I had already arrived.

Then, my car died while at work. Which is a .75-1.25 hour drive on a good day. As a reminder, there was snow, so much snow that even the freeways were whiteout conditions. So that 45 minutes on a good day was two hours.

And then came the long, long drive back home. With us having to leave the dead car there.

And once home, what did I do?

Waste time, that's what.

And today has been full of depression.

No civ 3 mod progress.

Nothing productive done at all.

I literally filled my day with playing Dead by Daylight (first half of the day) and TFT (second half of the day).

While DBD is proving to be quite fun and I'm actually getting some progress towards what I want (my goal: unlock all the killers you aren't required to pay rl money for, get adept on all of them, and prestige3 them all) in that I got adept on Trapper recently and today got adept on Wraith, it's slowed down on Hillbilly since, well...he's an M2 killer unlike Trapper and Wraith (who're both M1 killers), and, well...I'm barely competent at M1 killers so I'm totally incompetent with the chainsaw.

And on TFT? Backwards progress. I started at 86 LP (which is 3 LP below where I was before I streamed on Wednesday night). I got 8th, then 1st. You'd think that 8th to 1st would be an approximately equal LP gain/loss and zero out to return me to that 80 LP range, but as it turns out, no, in fact they are not. After the 1st place, I found myself down 20 LP from before, in the 60s.

Not that it mattered, as after that? 7th, then 6th. Placing me at 0 LP, at which point I entered my standard 0 LP plan: spam mutants every single game.

Usually, that gets me 1-3 wins fairly quickly.

It took me four games to get one top-four, and it was just that: fourth place.

And at that point it was like 4:30 am, which this blog is being written shortly after on.

​I wanted to do a bonus stream, but since it took my family until 4 am to go to bed, I just...can't muster the ability to do so. I just...want to go to sleep and probably waste tomorrow, too.

So I can tell that I am depressed, and fairly strongly so, too.