I'm literally doing nothing with it.

The stars are aligning for me to have creativity.

So with everything going my way in terms of scheduling, I should be able to make something of it, right?

Right?

...As it turns out, no.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to stream today, so I didn't stream, in spite of promising that I would stream. I've gathered a lot more attention to myself in the last couple of months, so if I got back into streaming, there's a fairly high chance I'd have people actually show up, which would get me to my goals.

But to get to those goals I'd need to actually stream, and I didn't.

I even opened XSplit to stream.
I didn't stream tho.

I have wanted to write a twitter thread or blog post about why my handle on twitter is, in contrast to where it is everywhere else (rBree2), why my handle there is The_Descended. And how I have had the inspiration to work a lot on that. (Speaking of which, mental reminder to myself to not forget about the rules of ghost procreation and Aria's brother's true middle/last name and Aria's true middle/last name and how I did the math wrong on Aria's age.)

I have the idea to work on the characters page and the art there, and I know I can do it.

I just need to actually do it.

I've wanted to work more on the Civ 3 mod, but never have made the time for it.

I've wanted to beat the Time Devourer in Chrono Trigger, and even told myself I'd do that today. I didn't.

I've wanted to continue the grind in FFVII. I didn't.

I have a bunch of blogs that I want to make, and my notes keep on piling up.

From yesterday, we've got an RPG game that combines from at least nine different sources. (Dungeons & Dragons all, Adventure Quest + Dragon Fable classes/monsters, MARDEK RPG all parts, Epic Battle Fantasy all 5, Majesty 1/2 Heroes/Items/Monsters, Gauntlet Dark Legacy characters/items, SaGa 1/2/3 all, Chrono Trigger all, Final Fantasy all.)

I've got notes for The Descended, and a lot on Davos specifically.

Today I had something to do with plurality that I want to vent about.

I've got a mafia article to finish writing.

I've got a mafia game to finish designing.

I've got a Team Fortress 2esque Wild West game idea to talk about.
I've got a Demonic Possession J-RPG game idea to talk about.

I've got to record/make twitter posts that I have had for months.

I've got an ambitious story idea ideally told in manga form about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting where it's basically a Fantasy setting set in the far future where it's effectively Star Wars, but more fantasy, with magic instead of the force and Paladins instead of Jedi and Death Knights instead of Sith and Light Blades instead of Lightsabers.

I've got an ambitious world idea which combines aspects of Marvel, DC, and other comics, and yet puts my own unique spin/twist on them.

I've still got that Power Rangers ramble to make.

I've got stream stuff to do.

I've got a song to finish writing, then perform.

​I have a bunch of art stuff that I want to do, notably, an art piece of me to complete by the 25th, which will be the one-year anniversary of my having come out.

I need to ask someone who made a gift piece of art of me if it's okay to use/share elsewhere.

I have all of that to do, and so, so, so much more.

And yet I did none of that.

I did do a couple things. I checked medical stuff, which I needed to do.
I made progress in Castle 4-0 in minecraft.

But most of my day was spent wasting time on League of Legends.

Granted, I'm progressing Challenges quite nicely, and it's actually fun!

It's just that.

I'm literally at 4:15 am and counting, and have done...nothing.

I'm not living.

I'm not making good use of my time.

I'm not doing tangible work of any time, or progressing any of my goals.

I've done nothing.

And again.

The stars literally aligned to give me the free time to have a chance to accomplish something.

I'm never going to get a better chance than this.

And yet I squandered it.

I haven't even done hygiene!

It's a miracle I've not forgotten my medication, at this rate.

But like.

I have so so so much that I have the potential to accomplish.

I have done none of it.

Not even the very-important-thing of the IRS mail I received that's a big scary thing I need to talk to work HR about.

​And don't get me wrong.
I get it.

I'm depressed.
Badly so.

But the things I did today were largely me running away from my problems.

It's not that I did them to have fun.

I did them to escape from the responsibilities I have.
I knew it was for that purpose when I started them.
And I knew it after I finished them.

That I was in a bad slump, and needed to do something in that time because it's impossible to do truly nothing.
But my reaction to being in the slump was to do the things that are as close as I can get to doing nothing.
I knew that going in, and I know it after.

I knew I would regret it going in, and sure enough I regret it after.

Yes, I am genuinely having fun playing League.

But I know that it is the worst possible usage of my time.

I genuinely can't think of a worse usage of my time. I can't sleep to waste the amount of time that game wasted. I can't listen to streams, just streams, for the amount of time that game wasted. So like.

What could I do which would possibly be even less productive?

Literally nothing.

I chose the least productive thing to do, effectively just to kill my mind and just...well, I've ceased to function already due to the depression, but I gamed the worst waste of time just because I didn't want to do anything to counter the depression and did the activity which most feeds into the depression.

The depression is bad.

And I am doing nothing about it.

I've felt bored out of my mind in the last two days, but the truth of the matter is, I've rejected literally every opportunity I was given to do anything satisfying.

So I am left here to rot.

Because I am wasting my life.

Why can't I just.

Do something?

Anything?

What makes it so hard for me to exist?

I haven't investigated the game I've been playing recently either.

I'm doing nothing.

This blog is the most productive I've been all week, and it's just a rant about how I've not been productive all week.

​So that really says something about how pathetic I am, doesn't it?

I can't even read comics/novels/TVTropes/etc. to satisfy my urges.

Nothing I am doing is working.

I just want to be something resembling anything right now.

But I'm not.
​And I never will be.

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

I'm not surprised at the time, I knew it was this late, but I'm surprised at how fast it takes to get to this time especially given I don't know what I was doing in the time prior to that. I knew it was 3 when it was 3, I knew it was 4 when it was 4 (as I type this, it's 4:20 noice), I knew it was 2 when it was 2, but how I managed to get so little done? That I don't have any idea about.

​I'll not get anything done tomorrow (in fact I'll need to skip blogging tomorrow due to Wednesday Closer into Thursday Opener so you'll see now blog from me tomorrow, sorry), but with luck, after that, I'll be getting more done again.

I swore I saw it be 1:30 like an hour ago and that it was 2:30 but apparently it's 4 am???

I might've had something to say, but looks like I'll be just going to bed, sorry.

I will say tho that I am trying to get back into content creation.

It's just...I'm not executing on my vision.

Still tried.

It's just that what I uploaded was awful, I legit don't know why I bothered advertising it because my execution of my idea botched the humor behind it.

It started with snow--lots and lots of snow.
Lots and lots and lots of snow. (Ultimately, over a foot of snow.)

Then, work was canceled. After I had already arrived.

Then, my car died while at work. Which is a .75-1.25 hour drive on a good day. As a reminder, there was snow, so much snow that even the freeways were whiteout conditions. So that 45 minutes on a good day was two hours.

And then came the long, long drive back home. With us having to leave the dead car there.

And once home, what did I do?

Waste time, that's what.

And today has been full of depression.

No civ 3 mod progress.

Nothing productive done at all.

I literally filled my day with playing Dead by Daylight (first half of the day) and TFT (second half of the day).

While DBD is proving to be quite fun and I'm actually getting some progress towards what I want (my goal: unlock all the killers you aren't required to pay rl money for, get adept on all of them, and prestige3 them all) in that I got adept on Trapper recently and today got adept on Wraith, it's slowed down on Hillbilly since, well...he's an M2 killer unlike Trapper and Wraith (who're both M1 killers), and, well...I'm barely competent at M1 killers so I'm totally incompetent with the chainsaw.

And on TFT? Backwards progress. I started at 86 LP (which is 3 LP below where I was before I streamed on Wednesday night). I got 8th, then 1st. You'd think that 8th to 1st would be an approximately equal LP gain/loss and zero out to return me to that 80 LP range, but as it turns out, no, in fact they are not. After the 1st place, I found myself down 20 LP from before, in the 60s.

Not that it mattered, as after that? 7th, then 6th. Placing me at 0 LP, at which point I entered my standard 0 LP plan: spam mutants every single game.

Usually, that gets me 1-3 wins fairly quickly.

It took me four games to get one top-four, and it was just that: fourth place.

And at that point it was like 4:30 am, which this blog is being written shortly after on.

​I wanted to do a bonus stream, but since it took my family until 4 am to go to bed, I just...can't muster the ability to do so. I just...want to go to sleep and probably waste tomorrow, too.

So I can tell that I am depressed, and fairly strongly so, too.

So it's 4:15 am when I'm writing this meaning I'm already 15 minutes late to bed.

But today was a 'whoops' worse than yesterday--I genuinely spent over six and a half hours on my Civ 3 mod tonight. Started working on it pretty much at 9 pm precisely, and didn't stop until three forty-five am.

And then I realized I hadn't eaten dinner--when I had already accidentally skipped eating dinner yesterday due to negligence (I forgot). I got called out in a tarot reading for not having good self-care, and tonight is a night proving precisely why.

I have a story that I want to blog about while it's fresh, but I can't do that if I am stupidly spending literally my entire day on a Civ 3 mod.

(Speaking of all day, work will be all of my day tomorrow--I won't get a chance to write a blog since I'll be getting ready for work in the morning, at work all of the day, and go straight to bed once home due to work on Thursday, so I'll be missing a day of blogging, regrettably. Sucks when I've been having some modicum of momentum, but it's unavoidable. Well, at least unavoidable if I want to be healthy and get the required amount of sleep in a night.)

And even on that mod, I keep on forgetting to actually ask about the Conquest Scenario buildings to see if someone's done the work there. Given that the map is actually nearly 75% complete (I worked on it for six hours today, that shouldn't really come as a surprise since while I need to add rivers and mines and irrigation from non-Rise scenarios, I legit did 100% of the Rise of Rome map tonight, so that leaves Mesopotamian, Middle Ages, Age of Discovery if it's not already done, and Napoleon--speaking of which, I've now done both the Vikings and the Germans today with me having done the Hordes and Turks yesterday, so I genuinely have only Russia left), and the next step will be the extensive civilopedia work which will be the time to have the buildings, I need to stop forgetting like a dummy dum dum and actually ask.

​But that'll have to wait until Thursday at the earliest, given that I work at 5:45 am (meaning up at 3:30ish am) on Thursday meaning Wednesday will be work->home->bed.

Just, not much. I've been feeling both short on time and dead tired for the last couple of hours, even though it's only now 3 am.

I've put in some plans for things, done a little bit here and there, but not committed to doing much of anything.

I did some work on my civ 3 mod again, tackling the tech tree. It's, well...right now a total mess, because restructuring everything to get it right will take a looooot of time.

Restructuring the tech tree is probably the third-largest part of the project, behind updating the civilopedia (second) and building the map (number one). So, it's...going to take a long time to actually get right. My notes are reasonably good, but not perfect, and I need to refer to the base scenario for some better idea of unit placements with me keeping things to where they should be.

Probably best to tackle that after sleep tho, so did as much as I could tonight, and probably going to bed.

Sadly, it does happen sometimes. Where in spite of having time, I end up not getting anything done. I don't really know what happened to my time. What was I doing? I had to have been doing something, I didn't do literally nothing in that time.

Like, I know I was multitasking. As in, listening to 1-2 streams...but doing something else on top of those streams.

But like.

I genuinely can't remember what it was.

It wasn't anything on steam; at the time, it wasn't anything on League (I did waste some time later getting my 50 daily blue essence since I kinda want another rune page for when First Strike goes live since I believe First Strike will genuinely be very good on Ashe); it wasn't Civ 3; it wasn't minecraft; it wasn't nothing, so I was doing something, but I legit don't know what it was I spent time on.

I know I put some time into mafia to try and do daily stuff there but like...that was some of my time, not all of it.

It's almost 3 am here and I've been home since like 8:45 or so.

Like, I estimate I took 45 minutes for League and ~2-3 hours for mafia, but...where the heck's the rest of that time? What on earth was I doing for the remaining like...2-4 hours?

It's genuinely baffling. I legit don't know what happened to my time.

So whatever it was I did.

It certainly wasn't something memorable enough for me to remember doing it.

Meaning I did basically nothing.

Oh well.

It does happen. Not every day is a good day.

It's not like it was a total wash. I did complete my "Dumb Ways to Die: 2021 edition" outline, which previously was missing 2 ways to die. (I thought I had 16, but it was 18, so I bumped it up to 20 today. Which is around the amount of the original video.)

But like. I know I only have 5-7 hours' worth of free time after work when I work the next day (5 if I go to bed as soon as humanly tired, 2 am; 7 if I go to bed at the latest time safe for a full nights rest, 4 am), but...

...5-7 hours is still a LOT of free time. And I feel like I can account for, legitimately, genuinely, less than half of it.

What the heck did I do? I remember doing so little.

Ah well.

While I didn't get much done today, I did lay the foundation for something that I want answers for in Phyrra and Cyrus. (Basically, one of the characters has some fluidity to them but it is purely in how they present, not in their gender, and I don't know the term for that but surely there is a term.)

So, payoff will be there later. Just, not yet.

Yes I realize it's 3 am, what better time to start adulting than in the prime time for me when I am awake, have energy, am not too sluggish, am not too tired, am fulfilled, don't have much else on my mind, and am mostly thinking of what needs to be done before tomorrow?

Anyway. I do have a lot on my mind and a lot to do.

For medical stuff, I still need to return one test that I haven't done yet. I want to not make the trip be for just one thing though so I also want to accomplish some shopping. Things I want:
-Therapeutic Gloves and/or wrist immobilizer
-Chokers
-Thigh bands
-some form of Bra fill
-completing makeup kit.

Therapeutic gloves and/or a wrist immobilizer are due to how my right wrist keeps on flaring up, specifically at the wrist, right on the bend joint on the side. Pinkie-side rather than thumb side. This is a recurring issue, not new. It is also something that has a fairly obvious culprit: spending 16 hours a day in front of the computer using the mouse.

Basically confirming the source of the issue is how on days that I use mouse-intensive games, it is much much worse than on days that I use games that mix keyboard and mouse or are just keyboard or don't use the mouse basically at all.

Games like Epic Battle Fantasy 5 and Minecraft (both have a ton of repetitive clicking) tend to wreck my wrist, whereas games like Chrono Trigger (controller), League (half-half) and Stardew Valley (mostly keyboard with only a little mouse) seem to not agitate the, for lack of a better term, injury.

It's almost certainly a repetitive motion injury of some kind. Minor, but something that I deliberately need to force measures into place to mitigate and prevent from getting worse. I find that quite often, I need to alternate days for games that I play. If I play a click-intensive game I almost always need to wait one day or else face it getting worse.

I also try to elevate my elbow to match the elevation of my wrist. Right now my chair is up extra high, sacrificing some of the mobility I get from it being lower, just so that I have the armrest of the chair level with the keyboard where the mouse is, so that they're aligned, allowing for less necessary wrist movements.

I also pull out the keyboard so that there's less motion needed as when the keyboard is fully in, that requires a lot more motion, especially side-side motion which hurts a hell of a lot more than up-down (thus, extra-important to limit).

But these countermeasures are proving insufficient. I want to be able to game what I want, when I want, and not have the worry of wrist injury worsening. I looked up possible measures to counter this and found out about therapeutic gloves and also found a video from a professional who gave a quick fix of sorts that, while not 100% effective, should be basically 100% safe.

Basically, taking a single strip of electric tape wrapped once (not twice or more) around the wrist, to help immobilize it but not cut off circulation. I did give a minor modification (the video was applying it to bare skin, I applied it over my love), but while my modification means slightly less accuracy, it still seems to do what was promised. My wrist mobility is by my estimation halved. Not immobile, but still limited from the extremes, which is what I need. Plus, if I feel a tug, that's a reminder.

It's still a stopgap measure though. This DIY might help, and the exercise shown in the video may be useful, but there's still some sort of nerve, tendon, or something that feels strained and I need a better measure to prevent worsening of the injury.

On other might-require-doctor news, when the doctor drew blood for tests, it left my arm sore--normal, right? What's not normal is how a week or two later, there's still notable discoloration (many icky green spots) marking what is undeniably a bunch of very very obvious bruising in the area. I get the impression that is not the norm.

I'm glad that I don't have any lasting damage from my physical section of the interview, though. I made the mistake of drinking water while changing into my swimwear, as I knew I was already dehydrated. By the end of the physical in-water section, my legs were absolutely dead-tired, my head was spinning, I was lightheaded, terrified I would pass out, collapse, that I wouldn't be able to stand.

My legs felt like lead, I did indeed struggle to stand, I struggled to carry my bag to the changing room (and couldn't carry anything except the bag), every step I could have fallen over due to the imbalance I was feeling, and I basically ran into the changing room, heavily nauseous and exhausted and ready to collapse.

And then, the urge to vomit hit. At first I suppressed it, because I really didn't want to vomit, but ultimately, I gave in, and after vomiting a little bit of the water out (that's all there was to vomit), I felt good enough to take a cleansing shower. I wasn't 100%, but I was still passable.

Until I got out of the shower and collapsed again, the urge to vomit overtaking me once more. This time I didn't resist, and the rest of the water I had drank came up. But then, I realized something. Once all of the water had been removed from me...all of my symptoms just went away. No lead-weighted feet. No spinning head. No dizziness. No lightheadedness. I felt not only normal, but great. I felt arguably better than I had before the water testing.

Well, the lining between my stomach and my throat wasn't good, it burnt from the acidic vomit, that was disgusting, but physically and mentally I was great. Lesson learned; drinking water before physically exerting yourself is a very very bad idea and WILL screw you over. Had I not drank that water, I'd have been much better off and wouldn't have spent 5-10 minutes vomiting. (Thankfully, the vomiting wasn't seen by the people interviewing me, as I imagine that wouldn't look promising for me to be able to do the physical aspects of the job. However, I feel like they could maybe at least understand that it was due to a mistake on my part of drinking water, but it'd still suck to explain that to them at the time.)

On that note. In further work news.

The interview I was meant to have today never happened.
I need to check on that and ask why, see if there was some form of mishap there. My own phone never rang. Other phones did, my mother's and our home phone, but my father answered the home phone and hung up so it couldn't have been that as the call.

I also need to follow through on the interview I had earlier since they got my corrected email.

Work to do, references to collect, busy busy times.

It's literally nine fifteen in the morning and I've yet to go to sleep...because I legitimately genuinely didn't realize what time it was.

I still thought it was like three am in the morning.

Maybe six am at the latest.

In my defense, my family never turned out the lights or said goodnight to me so I was under the impression it was still much earlier than it actually was.

Butstill.

I was already suffering from depression.

​And now I'm going to have one HELL of a time trying to recover.