I could formulate words, and did so, but I was basically, start to finish, in every aspect of my life, unable to really formulate thoughts. This morning at work, for instance, I thought I might actually have a day of being fully nonverbal. (That may sound ridiculous...but if you could have seen how I was, then you'd understand why I had that thought.) I did eventually talk to family, but mostly just automatic stuff.

Even in written words, I didn't think much. I mean, I did a little, and the further into the day it went (especially once I got to talk to my girlfriend), the better it was, but all said and done, altogether, today is a not-very-active-brain day. It's not that I've been vegging out.

I know the feeling of vegging out; if this were vegging out, I'd describe it as vegging out. It's just flat-out not being able to truly think on a deeper level, for far more than I should.

Admittedly, I wrote this one plagiarizing from this:

...But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It's not an exact duplicate, but if you listen to that and then read what I wrote, you'll see the parallels fairly easily and understand why it is unambiguously stealing from them.

I decided to call it "I'm not better off dead".

It goes like so.

When I was born,
I didn't ask for this
Yet I have no less right to exist.

I've been torn
Stuck in-between
What I feel and my upbringing.

I'm in pain
Taught what I am isn't right
Yet there's nothing wrong with my mind

I know the hate
It's deeply affected me
But I'm still a human being


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


When I seek comfort
I can't turn to my family
They'd reject me as a fiend

I am hurt
I want to live my life
So why do I suffer this strife

I've been down
I struggle not to be
I shouldn't live with the bigotry.

I'm not loud
I can't express myself
So I've been living in a hell.


I'm sick of this
I have a wish
Let me share my view
I've got a rant for you


It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(The bridge would be an instrumental.)

It's not an act!
It's not a choice!
Why can't you hear my voice?

Not for attention!
Not to be seen!
Why must you twist everything?

It's not a joke!
It's not pretend!
I'm not better off dead.

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!

(Whoa-oh, hey-ay)

I'm not better off dead!


This isn't necessarily a song written about me, but my living situation was obviously the main inspiration behind the lyrics, with a touch of making it more generic so that it'd be something anyone !cishet (take your choice in terminology) could identify with, but also touch on deeper subjects like feeling suicidal, being disowned, and so on, for things out of their ability to control, and the ignorance to come with it, and so on and so forth.

I wake up and just really don't feel like going to work, but force myself to go anyway. Initially I start out feeling fairly bad, but then shortly after, as if my body suddenly wakes up, I hit my stride and feel fine...for a few hours. And then. CRASH. I want to go home, and yet have time left in my shift still.

And when I do get home, I just sorta...collapse.

​I need to get better.

Today, I felt like I was actually recovering! I didn't feel fully recovered, but I felt like I was at least beginning to recover! I wasn't tired, had no fever, no cough, not so much as a sore throat. Everything was fine.

...Until about an hour before tae kwon do.

At which point.
I started coughing.
I suddenly developed a sore throat.
All my energy vanished.
And I began to feel like I was burning up, feverish.

With a vengeance, the sickness was back and plagued me for the rest of the day pretty much.

I'm not getting better.

By which, I mean, it loves to invent new anime. Phyrra and Cyrus, as you may recall, was birthed by this method. I had a story I meant to blog about but didn't get around to which was another one, and today I had yet another one, albeit this one kinda self-plagiarizing from the previous one.

I don't have the time to explain it today, but it was a really interesting one, to say the least.

Speaking of Phyrra and Cyrus. I didn't do anything productive aside from making content which may actually appear as like five minutes of filler in an episode. Basically, you'd know this if I uploaded my ramble on metals, but adamantium is a metal in the colliniverse. (Specifically, it is akin to steel, in that it is not in of itself, per se, so much a single metal, as much as it is a refined version of a different metal, of which there are dozens. As steel is refined iron into dozens of different alloys, so too is adamantium a refined version of a different mythic metal with dozens of different alloys.)

So today I was wondering if it was in fact possible to have Wolverine expies, that have adamantium melded to their bones--the answer is yes...but that it is not only incredibly expensive, but also incredibly stupid. It can be directly compared to, beit our world or Phyrra and Cyrus's, making a full-body plate male armor...out of gold. Yeah, it's something you could do. It's not going to kill you to do it, either.

It's just a waste of money because in real life it is utterly worthless. The properties of the metal mean that whatever benefit it could offer in theory, when molded into that form, don't work in reality. Still, some people do it anyway. It does offer more mass behind, say, a punch; it does make bones unbreakable, which can be convenient for someone who would break bones a lot.

But the tradeoff is that even the most dense of bones is lighter than the lightest of metals to plate the bones in, so you'd become much, much heavier, not to mention, less flexible. Bones are designed to be a bit flexible; adamantium...isn't. So you become stiff, almost robotic, and need to be much stronger, and are still weighed down.

But seeing as this is a setting which has plenty of golorgs (I need to do the ramble on them as well; short version, that's short for golem organism which is the magical-based equivalent of a cybernetic organism, aka, a cyborg), and there are some situations where it could come in handy (say someone was born with the condition of brittle bones, which is a thing in our world so why not in Phyrra and Cyrus), plus, there's no rule which says that you need to have every bone be adamantium.

It's still incredibly expensive to do, but on a small scale for those who have an actual use for it, it can be done. Not something you'd want to do if you can go without, though, thus, why it'd be stupid for people to just randomly do it. This would come into canon as maybe being a five minute segment if that of a throwaway quick fight for fun, where a contestant would have it and Phyrra would topple them.

​Something I could easily do away with, or expand further, as the need arose, basically.

Sure enough, not enough time for me to do what I want to do!
I had a double ramble planned with two topics, one revolving around Bard in Phyrra and Cyrus and the other covering a dream I had last night which I extrapolated into a fairly interesting anime story idea. (The dream was that I was watching said anime show with my siblings, and then later watching it by myself on my TV...in spite of not having had cable TV for at least a year or two if not more.)

Alas.

I need to go to bed, because I've got work tomorrow.

​Tomorrow will also be a "so many things, so little time" day for the record. I'm anticipating about half a dozen obligations by my estimate. I'll count it as a win if I get half of those done; I'll double my win points if one of said things is girlfriend time. <3

I succumbed and bought Civ 3.
And have played it.
But surprisingly...I'm not feeling as addicted to it as I thought.

Which is good, I suppose.

Still ate up most of my day though.

A huge, huge, HUGE breakthrough on Phyrra and Cyrus.
I wanted to give the full blog today, but I was too busy today dealing with stuff to do that, so all I can really give you is that I'm on the verge of naming their world...and have successfully given their 'Verse a name: I gave it a working title of The INFIverse.

Now.

That might sound like a lame name.

But it's anything but.

That name has regards to do with the coolest creation myth I've ever made, and it took me HOURS of brainstorming to hash it out.

A quick google search indicates that I'll need to come up with something else as Infiverse seems to be taken even though I am quite specific about it being INFIverse (the extra letter capitalization holds meaning), but a working title which needs to be changed because it's taken is better than no title for the verse at all!

Still, since the name's apparently taken I'll need to work a little bit harder, but I'm oh so very close.

I also--and this is directly correlated to the creation myth--worked out what the most popular religion in Phyrra and Cyrus is. Quick note, there's no confirmed deities in existence, be it lowercase god or uppercase God, and yet there's numerous religions in existence revolving around the few aspects of the creation of their world that they don't have explained away with science.

Basically there's a very small gap in their knowledge, and that gap is where religion enters the picture; monotheism is more common than pantheism, and I developed the name of the most popular religion. It's probably the name of an existing religion but then again what isn't: Voidism. Again this'll make sense when I explain the way their world was created, which I can't wait to do, but unfortunately need to wait until tomorrow to do.

​I'm just so excited!

I actually do have a headache, but that's most likely because my mom drank the cup of coffee which was meant to be mine so I'm going through withdrawal. (At least I think? I mean, I had coke last night, but no coffee today and I am a person who can drink potentially up to six cups of coffee in a day, and I believe headaches are a symptom of withdrawal, so. It's my working hypothesis.)

But even if it has more mundane explanations, my explanation for it is that I partied hard last night with my girlfriend. I basically stayed up all night, but this is not without consequences. I woke up at 2:30 pm. I left for dance at 6:15 pm, getting home at around 10:20 pm. It's 12:10 am now and I'm going straight to bed because I have an absolute HELL shift (it's a SEVEN HOUR SHIFT, of TWO EXTREMELY BUSY EVENTS), so when you factor in prep time and eating time, that's about a five-hour day total of free time, broken up into three before, two after.

And that makes a difference, because when you have an imminent deadline, which you know is there, that limits what you can do. The things I need to get done, I knew I couldn't get done in those times, so I didn't do them today. So today in terms of most stuff is a washout.

But, tomorrow will be better. I'll see if I can get my online life together.

...Was totally worth it though.

Or rather, so randomly inspired as to be worthless enough to be uninspired.
I'm a fairly casual fan of many things. I'm not a hardcore fan of anything, but I tend to know more than the average person about just about everything which interests me.

For instance, Star Wars. As far as I'm concerned, fuck the new canon because the new movies are trash, I'm more interested in a question I came up with regarding the old expanded universe/Legacy canon and more or less knowing:

"Okay. This is something where there has to be an explanation for it. I know there must be an explanation for it. But in spite of me knowing more about Star Wars than most people do...I'm not a hardcore enough fan to actually know it."

In this case, I'm combining two of the most basic force-users (hereby referred to as Jedi even though Sith can use these just as easily) powers.

As early as The Empire Strikes Back, it has been more or less established that a Jedi can more or less utilize the force for superhuman feats of athleticism. The extent of these feats vary in how impressive they are, and I don't know the exact science behind how it works, but more or less a Jedi can do stuff like fall fifty feet unhurt, jump a hundred feet in the air, perform acrobatic flips on a dime, you get the idea.

Things which no non-force-sensitive person can do, and even those who are theoretically force-sensitive and yet untrained can't do. (For instance, think, say, Princess Leia; she can't do these things in the shown films in spite of her explicitly being just as theoretically gifted as Luke.)

So while I may not know the exact explanation, it can be reasonably inferred that it involves more or less utilizing the force to manipulate their own body, such that they are capable of doing those things.

As early as The Empire Strikes Back, it has been more or less established that a Jedi can more or less telekinetically move objects of significant size and mass--and in most material, said objects match or even exceed the size/mass of a human being.

So the question which has been bugging me all day, because I know there MUST be an answer...just not one I actually know of, would be...

...Why aren't the two combined? As in, why can't the Jedi use the force to actually fly on their own? They are always shown to (borrowing a phrase from Samurai Jack here) "Jump Good", in that they can make leaps which give them impressive amounts of air time to the point where they might as well be flying. But it's not actual flight.

They can make use of objects which are flying, and use more or less amazing grip strength to hold onto these, or manipulate these, and so on and so forth. They can ride flying objects, such as a speeder. (But there's nothing superhuman about that.) They can more or less use the force to sense when a flying object will be where, and from this, determine what they need to do in order to utilize the flying object.

But in all the material I am familiar with.

The Jedi don't actually fly using the force, unaided. In of itself, without jumping (which isn't flight), without balancing precariously over small objects, dangling from small objects, or piloting some flying machine. Just utilizing telekinesis to levitate themselves. I've never seen it done.

And it bugs me because by my understanding of the theory, it should be possible.

So I know there's an explanation somewhere for why it's not. And a more hardcore fan would have an answer for this. But like I said, I'm a filthy casual of the worst kind: informed enough where I can form these questions (whereas those completely uneducated would never stop to think about such a thing), but not informed enough where I know the answer, and this isn't exactly something I imagine there's a way to google an answer for.

So it kinda just bugs me, and this has been a major thought on my mind all day.

Like I said.

It might be, by some certain definitions, "inspired".
But by every pragmatic definition, that's a rather uninspired thought as it's pretty much utterly worthless to have.