I'm...feeling like not existing rn, tbh. Which is...always scary. I'm struggling hard to fight off "safe mode", but I can feel the likes of Michelle ready to wrap my in a protective shell because of the pain I'm in.
There's a lot going into it.
I was struggling with depression yesterday without a cause. It had no thoughts, it was just there. It seemed to be worse when I was out and about, so I was hoping today resting in my house would make things better.
It made it worse, and that's in part because of all of my thoughts today.
And it's a slough of bad.
The pain in lost friendships flared up big time. And the thoughts of it being justified. Me wondering about everything I have done wrong. Me wondering what I am continuing to do wrong. And it brings to mind thoughts of. "These people think their lives are better off without me in their life...so maybe I should give that to them."
And the way I would give that to them is...
...Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It was a suicidal thought. These people mean so much to me and I love them so much and they want nothing to do with me so why bother existing at all, if I stopped existing it'd be giving them what they apparently want from me.
And I know, I said I wouldn't blog on that subject anymore, but given my mindstate and my struggle to escape it today, I felt I had to.
It gets worse, too. I'm feeling like I'm failing across the board. I'm failing to engage in friends' streams. I'm failing to engage in the streams of safe spaces. I'm not successfully juggling streams. I'm not balancing my life.
I'm not really attending a watch party with my fiance and our close friend. I'm there, but not THERE there.
I'm feeling myself slipping.
Further and further down.
And it's scary.
And I'm terrified again.
And I'm just so worried I'm going to cave again.
I'm still spending too much. I'm slowly bleeding money. I had multiple tens of thousands saved up, and I'm down to only a small fraction of that, a few thousand, which is shrinking even more with every purchase I make.
I'm not eating properly.
I'm not staying on top of my meds or hygiene.
All the progress I've made, it's been washed away. I've regressed.
I'm not cleaning the apartment. It's a complete mess.
I'm not paying the bills. Bills that are likely overdue.
I'm not functioning at all.
I feel like I keep losing more and more of what matters.
And I am terrified.
I know I can talk to my fiance about it, and probably will if these feelings persist.
But I just feel like I am a failure right now.
I'm not streaming to my schedule.
I'm not doing work stuff I should.
I am not keeping the people who matter to me, and not showing them that they matter.
I am doing nothing which is good.
And I know.
A lot of that is the depression talking.
A lot of that is just the pain of loss.
A lot of that is fueled by the pain and sadness of only being human with a finite amount of time and energy and ability to focus on places.
I can't be everywhere all at once.
So of course I'm going to have some losses.
But I'm still in a very deep pain.
I have so much to live for.
I have so much to do.
I have a wonderful life going for me.
A beautiful, wonderful, amazing fiance, who is the best part of my world, and who sees me as the entirety of their world.
I made twitch affiliate, and have started to make a good discord from it.
I have many wonderful friends, friends who still love me and appreciate me and think that I am amazing and incredible.
I have such beautiful, wonderful ideas, ideas I want to make a reality because they never will be without me.
I have a grand ambition, to connect the people in various aspects of my life. From mafia to art to twitch, to build a space where all of them can connect.
I want to build a space for the plural folk across twitch to connect.
I want to build a community. A space of connectivity, of learning, of empathy, of love.
I want people to have that space, to vibe, to exist, and be brought together with others.
And I have a good start.
Literally last night I added twitch integration to my discord, albeit rudimentary.
I'm making all of those quality of life improvements and they are going to build into something amazing eventually if I keep up at it.
...am struggling to keep myself afloat by reminding myself of it all.
But it's hard.
The pain is there. It's strong. It's leaving me living in fear. Fear of loss, but also fear of myself. I ask myself every day, "what will I lose next", and then ask, "what loss will be the loss to cause me to finally cave to despair for good".
I have good coping mechanisms.
I remember all of the advice from my spirit guides.
I should not put time/effort/energy into those who don't want it from me.
I should heal from the past.
I am enough as I am.
I do deserve good things.
I am worthy of love.
I am talented.
I can remain busy with my work.
It's okay to take time for myself.
Probably more, since I don't actually remember it all. But I remember the vast majority of it, and focusing on it is a survival mantra.
I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I do good things.
I am good.
I am better than I know at helping others.
The advice I give to others applies to myself: I am loved by more than I know, I make an impact more than I will ever know, and deserve happiness.
I have a fiance, the love of my life, who is here to help me, support me, and love me, as I am. As good enough.
I can recognize these thoughts as thoughts born of a combination of depression and imposter syndrome. Knowing this, I can know that I am better than my head would have me believe.
Although altogether, that's what's keeping me from dipping into a 1/10 or 2/10, and can maybe elevate me to a 4/10.
So, today is a bad day. A painful day. A rough day. I keep asking myself what I should do, and I keep on coming up blank. I don't know.
But, I'll think of something. I'll survive.
And I hope you can, too. <3