What I mean by a "cheater blog" is that I'm going to be taking a few of my recent 'unofficial blog' posts on my main Twitter and my Threads account (links to the main things I'm copying), rather than writing a blog for today from scratch.

I suppose I'll mention; I'm not looking forward to a work meeting today, and have a lot of work work to do, but I'll get through it somehow.

I've gotta be quick though as I've got daily morning routine tasks to do, like showering, meds, eating breakfast, etc.

So, to copy my unofficial blog posts on social media;

It took me a lot of time to figure out "what is 'right'" to do, but I did come to an answer eventually. Turns out it's both a lot more complex, but also a lot simpler, than I had thought. Do what feels right for YOU to do, in the moment; what that is, changes with time and life.

I also call it "pursue the path of least regret". You will always regret what you didn't do and the consequences of what you did/didn't do. Choose whatever you feel you will least regret later. For me, that's pursuing my happiness and peace, healing and finding contentness. <3

kels and I have been calling each other "my wife" recently. The wedding might not be until October 31st 2025, but while that will be a ceremony and a piece of paper, for all intents and purposes, we may as well already be married. Together, forever, for the rest of eternity. <3

We are happy. We are doing well. We are content.

And I have thought a lot about the future, and the people in it.

I've been reflecting a lot on friendship.
This might sound a bit harsh, but it's ultimately a hard truth I was forced to learn.
I will never again make the mistake of tiering friendships, but, I want to express how there's three groups of people for me, which are essentially "how much energy/time I'm willing to give them." (Able will always sadly be lower.)

The first group, who I will give literally anything and everything to, are those who have seen me at my lowest and stuck with me. They've seen my darkest aspects, all of my negative traits, every trait of mine SEEN as something negative...and chose to stay. They supported me, and have reciprocated the love I give them with their own when I most needed it. They didn't care about my failings. They cared about their friend.

I twice nearly caved to suicidal impulses in the last year. Those people saved my life. I owe everything to them. And I can never pay them back. They saw the real me, before I could. I dealt with crippling anxieties, depression, and imposter syndrome where I thought myself a monster--and every friend cutting me out only fueled those thoughts. I trusted their judgement, and they judged me problematic, and I didn't want to live because who wants to be a source of pain? I didn't want to.

Every person who heard how horrible I was, but then rather than believe it, heard me out, listened to me, supported me, who valued the friend they knew rather than the threat to communities they heard I was, who valued me over my darkness, who saw the light in me when all I could see was my shadow? They have helped me grow, see my strength, and heal. I owe them my life, quite literally, and will give my all to them.

The second group is those who likely never knew what I was going through, or at least, not the full extent. These are the people who never heard the other side. The people who never heard about any problematic behavior I had allegedly done. They never saw my darkness, they never heard of the harm I caused, they never knew of any hurt, of any alleged behavior I had shown worthy of canceling, of being cut out. They never knew.

Whether they would care or not doesn't really matter. Maybe they'd join those who cut me out. Maybe they'd join those who stuck with me. The thing which makes me value them is that they still helped me, in my lowest times. These people supported me and gave me love and vibes during my lowest times, regardless of how they may not have known how badly I was in need of their love.

These people helped save my life, despite not knowing my life needed to be saved, or not knowing why, or not knowing that I had that darker side that I had almost lost my life to the consequences of it. And so, I will always owe them a debt of gratitude, and will do whatever I can for them. I might not be able to give them all of my heart and soul, but anything I can give them, I will, because they deserve that and more.

Then there's the third group: all potential future friends. Which is...almost every human. There's people I would never want to befriend, there's people I could never befriend, but by and large, I treat everyone as if they are a potential future friend, because you never know...one day, they might be! After all...most humans are worth befriending. The limits of time/energy as well as circumstances of needing a way to have met and connected limit us, but...

...The way I see it. Those limits, sad as they are, don't change the truth about the individuals. They are worth befriending. They are worth being friends with. They are funny, they are quirky, they are talented, they have interesting lives, they have love, they have ways they support people, they are good, they try to do good, and left to their own devices, are passionate about a lot of interesting things, with all those skills they never think actually are, but which truly are.

One of my greatest sadnesses is that all of the people with those traits, I will only know a fraction of a fraction of them. In my lifetime, I will only know a few thousand people, and be close with a few hundred or so. (Might be off by one zero, could be few ten thousand and close to a few thousand, but you get the sentiment.) The people worth knowing number in the billions.

I can never be friends with everyone. Barriers exist. Vibes not matching, languages not connecting, places too far removed, time/energy, circumstances, etc. You get the idea. But most people are worth being friends with, even if I can't actually be friends with them. So I treat them all with the energy to match, because they deserve it in their life.

And, yes, this group also includes those who cut me out when they heard about my darkness and believed it true. I have faith the truth will come out, probably sooner rather than later, without me needing to go public about what actually went down in 2023 to cause all of the hurt. I kinda feel by vibes it's likely in or before 2026. Some time within the next two years, I feel, time will be kind to me and my fiance for what happened last year. We'll be vindicated then.

A lot of misinformation got spread, from either outright lies or truths maliciously portrayed as being something sinister that never was there. I feel, without me needing to self-advocate publicly, without me needing to come forward, people will on their own realize "...wait...", and then things will fall into place as to how the public at large was led to be agents in bullying and harassing two people to the point where they both nearly self-unalived twice each.

A lot of the people who thought they were doing the right thing by cutting me out will realize what I was a victim of and realize to their horror they were taking part in that campaign with their choices, especially if they spread that version of me to others who then acted on it themselves.
They were hurt, but they were hurt by a version of me that never actually existed. They were hurt by a fictional version of me spread maliciously behind closed doors. That hurt was real, yes.

But what was also real is that I was exactly the friend and community member they had always known publicly. I was exactly what they saw on a daily basis. What was there was exactly what it seemed to be: a loving, supportive person, spreading joy and positivity, making silly jokes, uplifting people, trying to be there for them. And while I certainly have my failures, that is who I always was, and I've only gotten BETTER at being exactly that over the last year or so.

When the truth comes out, about how all of the bad things they thought I was, were all from me just trying to do the right thing and being my natural supportive, loving self? A lot of the people who cut me out may have a lot of thoughts, thoughts I can only imagine what they will be.

But on my end...they never stopped being my friends and found family. They made the decision to cut me out, but at any point, they can make the decision to want me back in their space...and I will happily welcome them back into mine, because I hold no ill will to them, no bad feelings. I love them. I wouldn't be very loving if I rejected them when they were trying to do the right thing and/or acted from a place of having been hurt.

I know a lot of them will feel awkward, or feel like they can't rebefriend me, or feel guilt, or feel unworthy, or feel like they cannot make amends, or so on or so forth. And maybe they never want to reconnect, feeling like too much has changed, that we've drifted apart naturally and the things we bonded over no longer bond us together. You know, the things which friendships end up dissolving over with time naturally.

And that's valid! But for any who have any part of them that may want to reconnect...I will happily do my part to.
Past friends can become future friends, just as past strangers can become future friends. The process may be different, the results are the same. Everyone is a potential future friend to me. Well, just about everyone. (You get the idea.)
And thus, all potential future friends get the same treatment from me; I try to give them as much as I can, within reason.

I can't give people as much time or energy as I want. But they all deserve it. I hate having to prioritize, because I can't do everything. But I will continue to do all that I can, for all of them, because humans are great. They are creative, passionate, supportive, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, funny, and great at giving vibes. I love them all.

I have such love to give to the world. Time, energy, ability, and circumstances limit my ability to give it, but the world deserves that level of love regardless of whether I actually give it. And I truly hope everyone reading this can receive some love themselves. You deserve it. <3

Part of it has been the challenges of life, in particular, a shifted work schedule. There's a reason once the July schedule hit, I suddenly became a lot less available; work was keeping me that way, and still is this month too.

I've been exhausted, with no time or energy.

And, part of it has just been that I have too much to say.

I haven't been blogging in part because I haven't had the time to unpack what I wanted to say.

I suppose I'll start with saying this.

I love the world. I love the people within. I love people. I love humans. I love the communities I am in, and I loved the communities I no longer am in. I love my friends, and I love the people who once called me friend. I love everyone, to varying degrees. And I think that's important to note.

I can't say it as eloquently as when I was telling it to someone else who needed the reassurance, but our society has had a tendency to over-correct for certain behaviors. For instance, the term lovebombing is wonderful to know. The moment we knew what the term lovebombing was, we could identify lovebombing as lovebombing, and cut out the toxic manipulative people using it as a manipulation tactic. A good thing, to be sure...

...But then, people over-corrected. And started calling perfectly normal, healthy behavior, lovebombing.

Gift-giving can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love, it's a way to draw people in, it's a way to get them to trust you, etc. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Can. Gift-giving is not inherently manipulative. Gift-giving is not inherently lovebombing. Gift-giving is a love language. Many people give gifts to express their love, regardless of what the type of love that is, and they are not manipulative or manipulators.

It's important to recognize the distinction between the two. Lovebombing is a manipulation tactic manipulators use to gain something. But gift-giving is also something can do to express their unconditional love, and that is one of the most beautiful forms of love there is.

Showering with affection can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love. It's a way to make people feel loved, appreciated, but then to exert control by making that love have requirements, or to have that love be for a purpose. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Showering with affection is not inherently manipulative. This one is actually more important to realize and recognize, because while gift-giving is understood as a form of love language fairly easily (we give gifts on birthdays and Christmas and to loved ones and to significant others all the time), as a society we tend to have been numbed to genuinely complimenting people with pleasantries beyond the standard.

But all the same, showering with affection IS a love language, a la Gomez Addams showering his wife with unending praise and affection. There tends to be a stigma about "showing with actions rather than words", and that the words of showering with praise aren't actions, but those words when backed by time, investment, and consistency ARE actions. They are a form of showing how much you love someone by finding and crafting the words that demonstrate it.

There was a time when we had an understanding of this in some form. Writing poetry was seen as a grand romantic gesture, of displaying true love. Similarly so for songs. But when you take it into a different medium of just speech, people tend to think that somehow, it's not the same level of having been made and crafted with words. What you say, what you take time to write, what words you decide to make into praise, all of those? They ARE a love language.

And many people, myself included, gift words, showering with praise, as our way of expressing love, regardless of what type of love that is. It's particularly the case for me because I'm not talented enough to create gifts for people and even if I were I don't have the time to invest because I can't make them quickly. It's not a skill I have, not naturally at least. I can't give monetary gifts either because I'm basically broke. My financial situation continues to be terrible, so I can't give gifts.

So...what can I give? Not crafted gifts, not bought gifts, what way of expressing love do I have left? ...Words. That's all I have. Words, to express myself, to give my love to all in my life, and to show how much I care about them. Spreading joy and positivity, with words of encouragement, of support, of laughter, of love. 

And while my imposter syndrome will tell me I am a manipulator...that the skills of manipulation are so ingrained in me that I can't not manipulate people...

...if I am actually honest with myself...

...I am not a manipulator by taking the time to craft my words. I'm just choosing the best way to express myself, to express my love, and am being considerate, kind, and caring.

And I think that's important to recognize.

Which...brings me to the next thing.

I have such love of people, and I truly wish to see the best in them all.

I have this belief. "Most humans are good, but all humans are imperfect." Most humans are good, but all humans are flawed. Most humans are good, but all humans make mistakes.

And I try to live my life understanding others with compassion, empathy, and truly trying to see their perspective. I don't believe in "sides" for most issues, because there's not sides to be taken; there's perspectives to understand and then process to form our own. There's no judgement, there's only processing information and deducing things from it.

And...like, I'm pretty good at understanding. I'm pretty good at seeing the other perspectives. I'm pretty good at filling in the gaps, seeing their viewpoints, etc. But not perfect. And the only way I can get better is by people sharing, so I can know. Communication is a skill which seems to have been by and large lost. There's breakdowns of conversations, rather than trying to work through the issues.

I know it seems unrealistic, but the stereotypical Disney Channel Original Movie (or similarly so for shows reaching a climax of episodes and especially seasons) have a cliche:
Character A lays out the flaws of Character B, but apologies for their own, understands them, and tries to make it up.
Character B apologies for their flaws, understands them, lays out Character A's flaws, but understands them, and wants to make it up.
This can go back and forth for a bit, but then...

...something magical happens:
...They reconcile through this. By acknowledging their faults and shortcomings, but sharing their perspective to not be walked all over, calling the other side out, but understanding them, the communication doesn't break down, and they hug, and then things are good again.

...It sounds unrealistic, doesn't it?

...But my question is; why?
Why can't we do exactly that?

Why isn't that exactly how we SHOULD do things?

Why should we need to cut ties with people, why should we need to end things, why should we need to distance ourselves?

Obviously, we can choose to, if reconciliation is truly impossible.

But why is there such a societal pressure where you NEED, you MUST, cut ties, rather than trying to heal?

Why CAN'T we resolve it like characters from a Disney Channel Original Movie?
Why can't we talk it out, with us establishing our perspective, but accepting the perspective of others? Why can't we admit we could be mistaken in some areas but stand firm in saying we aren't mistaken in others? If both sides do so and there aren't irreconcilable cases...

...Why can't we keep the people we love, as people we love?

I genuinely don't understand why the instinct is to cut out rather than to hold conversation.

I get cutting out people who were actively harmful and toxic. That needs no explanation. But why would you cut out a loved one for what amounts to something which wasn't that level of harmful and toxic? Why is EVERY hurt met with "distance, cut out"? Why is EVERY pain met with that level of withdrawal and giving up on keeping the person as a loved one? That's what I don't get. If the love is there...isn't it worth trying to keep?

​So on my end...I try to keep the line of communication open. To understand, to try and get it.

But there's some things I can't get, and they challenge my perspective on people being good.

There are people who I want to believe are good, yet flawed, but...sometimes, those people take actions that I can't figure out how they could be taken by a good person.

Which brings me to the main thing I wanted to say.
And it's sharing, without namedropping, a dilemma I've had.

I've considered going public about what happened last year, from March 21st 2023 through July 2023 with some spillover that has followed us to this day. As a form of self-advocacy, to explain in public our perspective when almost nobody was willing to hear us out. (The only people who did were close friends.) Yet...another reason I've considered going public is because if I am wrong about the people being good...then they have red flags that are alarming, dangerous, and could continuously cause harm if not addressed.

I want to be clear. I am intent on moving on. My fiance and I want to move on, rebuild our lives, and not dwell on the past. We want to be happy. We want to enjoy life, be content. We are much loved by our friends, and I in particular have a lot of love to give. I want to spread the love to those who will allow me to, pursue my creative endeavors, and basically live life.

I don't want to go public anymore. Despite how I got a reading which said it would go really well, despite how I believe me going public would enlighten people, shed some light on things, make people reconsider, and essentially launch an entire inquiry into how things happened the way they did and how the lies about us spread as they did. I know good would come from sharing...but I don't want to, because I instead want to share on moving on, on protecting my peace, on healing, on becoming better, stronger, more empathetic, more learned, and more incredible and wonderful a human than ever before.

Yet it does bear mentioning.
There are some red flags I want to at least air out.

Most of the red flags are things I can think of innocent justifications for.

There's one or two that I cannot.

So I will share at least this much, without namedropping names. Those who read this blog will likely know the names, although nobody reads my blog. But if anyone were to, they would likely know who I am talking about.

Last year, my fiance was a mod for a streamer.
That streamer has a sizeable community.
Some of those community members are friends, and last year, I was invited by a community member to be part of their private friend server. It's on that community member's server that my fiance and I bonded, becoming closer friends.

On March 21st, an artist for that private friend server (who made emotes for it) as well as a couple of others had some complaints about the streamer we had all met and become friends through. The server owner created a subthread for it, which ended up having eight people involved, or thereabouts. The server owner, their partner, the artist who was also a VIP, myself, my fiance, a friend, and a couple of other long-time community members.

​For five months, we had various criticisms of the streamer in question. And ultimately, the character of the streamer in question is important here.

Because there's two extremes.

On one extreme, the streamer in question is a good person, better than most, and we were forming an echo chamber focused on the flaws and amplifying them. We were fully in the wrong for basically everything we did, despite our criticisms having provably had some merit.

I...can't find myself believing this extreme, at least not in its entirety.

On the other extreme, we were whistleblowers. We were compiling a list of red flags that would have helped to expose just how problematic the streamer in question is. We were in denial about how problematic the streamer was, and in our good intentions when we were trying to help the streamer be better, we were looking from the wrong mindset. We all believed the streamer was a good person so we assumed the red flags were just small things that were issues, rather than the red flags they actually were.

We would, in having wanted to believe the streamer was a good yet flawed person, have had all the evidence but not known the importance of the evidence.

​What's scary about this extreme is that my only reasons for not believing it are my own philosophy and wanting to trust in the judgements of others.
I want to believe the streamer in question is a good person, just flawed, even despite my fiance saying they aren't a good person. (I want to be clear my fiance does not see the streamer as this extreme. My fiance thinks the streamer is a lousy person, but also doesn't think they are actually monstrous, which is the extreme I laid out above.)

​And...the streamer in question is very close to dozens upon dozens of people who have made these kinds of judgements before. All of them have cut out former toxic "friends" who were problematic, and have gotten very good at identifying warning signs. So, if all of them trust the streamer in question and think the streamer in question is good...then surely, they can't all be wrong, right?

So like...my own philosophy as well as wanting to trust in the collective ability of others tells me that the streamer in question would be closer to the former than the latter extreme.

...Yet...

...At the same time...

...These same collective people who judge the streamer in question as being good, are the same collective people who judged me and my fiance as being problematic enough to need to be removed from their spaces. If I want to believe myself not problematic, then I must by extent believe that collective judgement can be wrong. That it was wrong about me, and overly harsh on my fiance. If I am not problematic enough to warrant removal, then a collective judgement saying I am would be wrong, and therefore, if I believe myself to not be problematic (and on my better days I do believe myself to not be problematic), then I must believe,
"They got it wrong once...they could have gotten it wrong again."

​There is also the fact a highly spiritually attuned person had their instincts scream at them something was horribly, horribly "off" about the streamer in question. Every time they attended that streamer's streams, something felt WRONG to them. They had a strong reaction to the streamer, without knowing WHY. And because of how spiritually attuned that person is, because of how good their instincts are, they are someone whose instincts influence me.

​And that pushes me away from the former extreme and closer to the latter.

Then there are the red flags I can't ignore, I can't justify.

The streamer in question modded my fiance when my fiance was 22. They sent and offered my fiance gifts, on multiple occasions. They repeatedly called my fiance their friend, over and over again, until my fiance was browbeat into believing the streamer was their friend. Again, this was INITIATED BY THE STREAMER, not by my fiance. My fiance didn't say they were friends until after countless times of the streamer calling my fiance their friend.

​The friendship was initiated by the streamer, and propagated by the streamer. Not inherently a red flag, except...

...The streamer spread that my fiance had a parasocial relationship with them. When it was the other way around, the streamer had a parasocial relationship with my fiance. The streamer spread the idea that my fiance has issues thinking streamers are their friend, when the friendship was initated BY THE STREAMER.

And...I can't explain why the streamer would lie about my fiance that way. I KNOW the streamer called my fiance their friend, on numerous times. I remember being on stream and on discord and seeing them repeatedly call my fiance their friend. And if I as a casual viewer remember, then other viewers would, too. The proof that the streamer REPEATEDLY called my fiance their friend exists...yet they lied, and spread the idea that my fiance made it up, that my fiance was delusional for thinking themself friends with the streamer in question.

That kind of red flag, I can't justify. And we have proof of this too. We have proof of the streamer calling my fiance their friend, of offering and actually giving things to my fiance. So why did they lie about it, and how come everyone believed the lie? That's a big gigantic red flag that I cannot find any good person justification for. Why would the streamer spread a lie which caused my fiance to be effectively removed from every space they cared about overnight? I know they did, I just can't think of a valid reason to.

​Then there is something my fiance told me about a conversation.
One of the people to ban my fiance said that my fiance had blocked the streamer on discord, and ran to that person, essentially. But...the thing is...
...That couldn't have happened. The one platform the streamer is friends with my fiance is on discord. Even if my fiance no longer shared servers with the streamer in question (my fiance had left the discord when things were going down), being discord friends with the streamer in question would bypass that discord limitation and allow conversation. There's no way the streamer could have attempted to talk to my fiance and failed.

So, why did the streamer claim that my fiance had blocked them? It couldn't have been a mistake, or misunderstanding, because on discord by being friends you are given that ability to communicate and to this day the streamer is still friends with my fiance. At literally any time, they could send a message to my fiance, and vice-versa. Why did it get spread that my fiance had blocked the streamer? I can't justify that.

​Then there is the contents which initiated this. My fiance got illegally recorded in a private discord call with someone they considered a friend. (And, yes, it was illegal, because discord counts as a communication line and my fiance was in a two-party state at the time which requires consent. They never gave consent to be recorded, and therefore the recording was illegal. Pointing this out is pointing out a fact. The person taking the recording broke the law. My fiance was within their legal right to have access to the recording and to take legal action against having been recorded. That is also a fact. Pointing that out is just pointing out facts. What matters most for the character of my fiance is that at the end of the day? They didn't pursue legal action...again, because WE WANT TO MOVE ON.)

​My fiance never got access to that recording, but they very clearly remember what they said. They remember saying that if they were to publicly criticize the streamer on twitter, that they would be accused by people on twitter of being a racist. Which is true. Twitter is a cesspool, and valid criticism of terrible people is often said by toxic twitter residents to be bigotry.

Yet somehow, that got spread as my fiance having said the streamer is racist. Despite my fiance swearing they never said that. We don't have access to the recording so obviously we don't know what the recording said, but my fiance SWEARS they remember, crystal clearly, their EXACT wording. And I've heard them recite their exact wording multiple times. I could even write it here on the blog. They know what they said, or at least they genuinely believe they do, and what they swear they said doesn't match up with what the streamer claims they said.

I can KINDA justify this one. My fiance is human, and could be mistaken about what they said. What they said might have had a wording more ambiguous than they remember, and that more ambiguous wording could be interpreted as something along those lines, maybe. But that requires maybe after maybe, when my fiance is very very sure about what they said.

​And then there was something that involved the friend server owner and their partner talking to me.

During the 5 months this was all going on, my fiance repeatedly said they were on the verge of unmodding, and just leaving. They said this no less than 4 times being "this is my 13th reason" and being seconds away from having hit the unmod button. The friend server owner and their partner talked my fiance into not pulling the trigger on unmodding, on remaining a mod, on staying. Repeatedly. Every time my fiance was on the verge of quitting, the friend server owner and their partner would convince my fiance that we needed them to stay.

...Yet after the streamer in question talked to the server owner and their partner, between July 23rd and July 25th, the server owner and their partner in their messages to me tried to convince me that my fiance (friend at the time) was jealous of another mod being administrator in the streamer's discord and wanted that position back.

The VERY PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FIANCE NOT HAVING UNMODDED, tried to tell ME, someone who was there for all of these times they told my fiance not to unmod, that my fiance wanted more power in the community. And to this day, I cannot explain how the very people who KNEW my fiance was on the verge of leaving the community (my fiance has left the community of streamers they were overly frustrated with before, and was repeatedly on the verge of doing so again), tried to claim to me the exact opposite, that my fiance was trying to entrench themself and gain extra power, when that's the exact opposite of FIVE MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE we had.

I'm not sure if the streamer in question gaslit the server owner and their partner that badly to where they believed it,
The server owner and their partner were trying to gaslight me,
Or if it was a mixture of both.

But regardless, there was gaslighting going on and it wasn't from me or my fiance. I KNOW my fiance was only talked out of outright leaving by the duo of the friend server owner and their partner. I KNOW they didn't want power back. So I know that is another lie. The only thing I don't know is who propagated it.

If the streamer gaslit the server owner and their partner that hard, then it would be their lying, manipulation, and it would be an extra red flag because it would mean they were so convincing at lying that the two people who MOST should know my fiance wasn't wanting what was alleged, somehow got convinced they wanted it.

If the friend server owner and their partner just tried to gaslight me, then that means they willingly and deliberately propagated a lie they knew was a lie, just to try and protect their own interests and try and maintain their positions.

I don't know which is worse, but either way, one of them was gaslighting regardless. One of them tried manipulation regardless. And both are terrible positions that I cannot for the life of me find a justification for.

And...it's because of that, that I am beginning to be more in line with my fiance's view. My fiance doesn't think of the streamer as being the monstrous extreme I laid out above, but thinks the streamer is a terrible person, and...

...As much as I want to believe in the people being good...

...I can't find a way to justify the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation which left my fiance suicidal enough where they wrote out a note and were literally going to kill themself, with me as the only thing to save them.

In tandem with us having spotted red flags, which while they can have innocent justifications can also be...well, RED FLAGS...

...And me trusting that spiritually attuned person...

...I just...can't find myself believing in the better nature of the streamer.

They'd be at best in the middle, and closer to the monster extreme I mentioned.

And...that is why I know going public would do a lot of good. We could prove most of this. We could self-advocate to defend ourselves from the lies spread about us. We could potentially expose a monster who those with better resources could further investigate into.

...And yet...at the same time...I don't want to. I want the best success to be moving on without having needed to, essentially. The people who didn't let me and my fiance self-advocate were not worth investing time in because if they weren't willing to hear us out and if the result of them not having heard us out was a monster getting away with horrible things...then they aren't people I want to invite back into my life even if they ended up believing me.

I want to build my life, and let those that cut me out of theirs deal with the consequences down the line, essentially.

I want to live my life, move on, heal, and keep the friends who wanted to hear us out.

So, at the end of the day...it doesn't matter much.

I've aired this out. My belief, my love, my perspective, some knowledge bombs, etc. i've kept a lot generic including not disclosing the red flags we uncovered. But I just want it put on the record. If the streamer is ever canceled for being a problematic POS...we knew. We knew back in 2023. We were in denial because we wanted to believe in their goodness, but we KNEW. And my fiance was driven to nearly kill themself for the crime of having known, and been a whistleblower. But, again, that's only if the monster extreme is closer to reality.

I'll just leave this out there for posterity; time truly will tell. Either we were wrong, or we were right. If we were wrong, moving on is for the best. If we were right, it will come out with time, and the questions about why nobody listened to us back then will be asked when it finally does come to light.

Meanwhile, I will continue to spread joy and positivity and become a Breeacon of light, healing, helping, loving.

​Thank you for listening.

To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

and also extra drunk rn. like, extra extra drunk. can't spell, can't speak. i'm tired plus drunk. tiredposting affects my ability to be coherent, and drunk on top of that is extra bad.

gonna need to be careful to make sure no hangover. gotta hydrate extra hard, also gonna eat a bunch. But rn what i mostly am is filled with love. it's all good vibes and love and empathy.

i understand. I truly do. but i love you regardless. i get it, even if you think i don't. But despite that, i have nothing but love and support. i want the best for you all.

you are kind, caring, compassionate, and wonderful. you are doing great. you are so amazing and incredible.

i truly believe the best is possible for you, and that you can find your life. you deserve nothing but love and support and have plenty.

love you all, and have a wonderful night.

I may be a bit drunk but just know no matter what, you are always so beautiful, so wonderful, your perspective is beautiful, you are wonderful. you are much loved and much supported. you have such great love and support to give.

thank you for all you do.

and i am here to wish you well, to witness your growth, to encourage you, to support you, to hug you through the difficult times and give love and support and to encourage you through the good.

you deserve nothing less.

i love you all, so very much.

i may be sappy, i may be drunk, but the sentiments remain regardless.

you are worthy of being loved.
And i love you.

so much.

i hope you all can find the best.

Stay positive, stay beautiful as you are, stay loving and just live your fullest, most wonderful life.

i'll be here to give you all of that love and support.

thank you. and you have my well-wishes.

much love. <3

I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning. 

Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.

Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.

We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.

I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.

Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.

It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.

Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.

And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.

Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.

​We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.

​But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now. 

I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.

I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.

Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.

I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.

I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.


Let's share the prototype.
​Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.



Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.


Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.


Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.


Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.


Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.

My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.


Words I use are always imperfect, 
Yet I show my love despite the defects.


Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé. 

Words are how I show my yearning, 
Words are proof of my earnings. 



I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.

Words carry such healing power, 
Words give strength to what matters.


Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.


Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.


When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.


Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined. 


Words are my compass, guiding


Words kind
Mine


They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned. 


My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.

Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.


Words I can’t always give in full form free, 
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.

Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.


Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.

Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.


Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.


Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.








I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.



As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.

I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.

I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.

I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.

I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.

In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.

I'm doing well on my workouts.

Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.

And I even have a new updated Smug emote.

I was very productive in plurality stuff, story stuff, streaming, and in spirituality stuff.

I do have to make sure my fiance is okay though.

I did get a bit of a confusing event though.

I feel like I got called out for a lack of communication and honesty, but...I don't know what it could be for. I can't think of a single thing I've been dishonest about. As far as I know, I've been living a life of full honesty. I can't figure out what I'd be dishonest about. And as far as I know, the only communication I haven't done is with those who have set the boundaries of not wanting me to.

So...what am I missing?

I know I must be missing something, but what could it be?

I'm honestly a bit worried this could be the test, and that I am failing it, because, like...

...I don't understand.

I have learned to understand a lot. I have learned to see a lot of the various perspectives of others. I have nothing but love. I have nothing but compassion. I have nothing but good wishes. I have nothing but honesty. So why does it feel like I am being told I wasn't? Where haven't I been? I can't figure it out.

So like...if this is the test of understanding, I must have failed. I know what I have done and I know I have lived honestly and true to myself. I can certainly stand up for myself by defending that. I can certainly communicate with those who want me to. But I don't know what I'm meant to do rn.

I felt like I was fairly attuned, but now I'm feeling doubts. I'm drawing blanks. 

I don't want to ignore the callout, but at the same time...I don't really know what I can do. All I can think of is to keep focusing on what I have. I have a lot of good in my life. I have wonderful friends who see the beauty in me. I have many who enjoy my presence and want me in their life. I have an amazing fiance. I have a good stream schedule going. I'm making progress on my projects. I'm about to embark on more. I'm an acceptable artist. I'm getting better at balancing my life.

I have a strong love for everyone. I have a strong drive to heal others, and to teach others, and to create, and that holy trinity is my strengths as a person. I am growing spiritually.

There are things which I don't have which I want. Namely my desire to help those I can't, to support those I can't, to celebrate those I can't, to hug those I can't, to provide the good vibes to those I can't. But I have no control over those, and never will. By following boundaries, by following limitations, I can do nothing. I would love to, and on my end I can stand up for my virtues while listening with love and support. But that's all I can.

And since I can't get those things I want, I should focus on what I can.

I want to live the most fulfilled life I can. I want to live the most rich life I can. I want to live the most productive life I can. I want to live the most elevated life of servitude and goodness. That of the healer, teacher, and artist.

So, without an answer for the things I want but can't get, I'll focus on what I can get.

Maybe that's the test, to see if I have learned to let go of what I can't get and to hold onto what I can.

We'll have to see. I'm trying my best. That's all I can really do.