Today is so far hovering at a 5.5/10, and it's only that high because of my fiance, the good vibes, mental fortitude, and that depression from the same cause gets numbed the longer it drags on. It's hard not to think of what I have lost, and the feeling it was all so pointless to have lost it.
There's a thought of "what good could possibly come from having lost this", and the sadness at feeling it was just all so pointless.
I know from the advice my guides have given, repeatedly.
It needed to happen--in order for me to be the best version of myself, I had to go through this painful growth.
There's nothing I can do--behind the scenes, my guides are already doing the work on the issue, and doing everything they can.
I shouldn't dwell on the past--I can't change what happened.
I need to focus on balancing my life in the present, and pursuing my creative pursuits.
I know it all is accurate.
But it's often hard to reconcile a logical truth like the above with the emotional feelings in the moment.
And right now the feeling is of an intense sadness, getting visions of things happening and knowing those things would be happening for me if not for my mistakes. And it's hard not to think about myself in that moment and just think.
What was the point in me getting these consequences for my actions?
Is there something I have yet to learn still? I already put in the work to better myself, and continue to do so.
Was my suffering meant to teach others some lessons, where they need to learn something from it? I somehow doubt it, they're already great and mature and wonderful, what could their treatment of me teach them that they don't already know?
I try to keep toxic/bad/negative mindsets at bay. To avoid selfishness, to avoid narcissism, to avoid thinking I am more important than I am, to avoid thinking I am more entitled than I am. And it's a constant struggle when I am in a bad headspace. I have to be better than my worst, even when I am at my worst. I have to be as good as my normal self, even when I am significantly lower than my normal self.
It's not easy, but I have to. I can't let myself cause any pain or hurt again--so even when I am in pain and hurting, I need to make sure I don't cause pain or hurt. I have to be better than my pain, I have to stop the cycle rather than continue it. I need to stop the harm from spreading and renewing and recycling, to end the suffering.
I have to focus on the positive, on all of the good.
I have a wonderful fiance.
I am now a twitch affiliate, on the path towards the content creation dream.
I have an apartment.
I have the life I have always dreamed of.
So I need to enjoy it and not let it pass by.
I might have lost something I really wanted to have with two of the people I love the most.
But I have gained something I never thought I would ever have, with the person I love most of all.
It's hard to focus on all of the good, but I know I can be the better version of me.
I'm sorry for having shown off the bad I have, but I hope that the good I build can someday make up for it.
There's a thought of "what good could possibly come from having lost this", and the sadness at feeling it was just all so pointless.
I know from the advice my guides have given, repeatedly.
It needed to happen--in order for me to be the best version of myself, I had to go through this painful growth.
There's nothing I can do--behind the scenes, my guides are already doing the work on the issue, and doing everything they can.
I shouldn't dwell on the past--I can't change what happened.
I need to focus on balancing my life in the present, and pursuing my creative pursuits.
I know it all is accurate.
But it's often hard to reconcile a logical truth like the above with the emotional feelings in the moment.
And right now the feeling is of an intense sadness, getting visions of things happening and knowing those things would be happening for me if not for my mistakes. And it's hard not to think about myself in that moment and just think.
What was the point in me getting these consequences for my actions?
Is there something I have yet to learn still? I already put in the work to better myself, and continue to do so.
Was my suffering meant to teach others some lessons, where they need to learn something from it? I somehow doubt it, they're already great and mature and wonderful, what could their treatment of me teach them that they don't already know?
I try to keep toxic/bad/negative mindsets at bay. To avoid selfishness, to avoid narcissism, to avoid thinking I am more important than I am, to avoid thinking I am more entitled than I am. And it's a constant struggle when I am in a bad headspace. I have to be better than my worst, even when I am at my worst. I have to be as good as my normal self, even when I am significantly lower than my normal self.
It's not easy, but I have to. I can't let myself cause any pain or hurt again--so even when I am in pain and hurting, I need to make sure I don't cause pain or hurt. I have to be better than my pain, I have to stop the cycle rather than continue it. I need to stop the harm from spreading and renewing and recycling, to end the suffering.
I have to focus on the positive, on all of the good.
I have a wonderful fiance.
I am now a twitch affiliate, on the path towards the content creation dream.
I have an apartment.
I have the life I have always dreamed of.
So I need to enjoy it and not let it pass by.
I might have lost something I really wanted to have with two of the people I love the most.
But I have gained something I never thought I would ever have, with the person I love most of all.
It's hard to focus on all of the good, but I know I can be the better version of me.
I'm sorry for having shown off the bad I have, but I hope that the good I build can someday make up for it.
RSS Feed
