Like, this is genuinely baffling.

Normally, when I have days go by and am disappointed in my lack of having done what I wanted to do, I can point to exactly where the time went. "Oh I spent 3 hours on this game", "oh I spent 2 hours on mafia", etc.

But so far this week, I just...don't know where my time is going???

I mean, today I woke up fairly late (which is itself an example in a sense), and will be going to bed early (which artificially shortens the day), but like.

I still don't know where the time goes???

I spent ~4 hours with my attention divided between two streams. From ~1:30 to 5:30, I can account for that time.

It's 10 pm now.

And that means there's four and a half hours where I've zero memory of doing anything.

Yeah, I had a streamed movie in the background, but I wasn't dedicated to watching it.
Yeah, I had a twitch stream or two open in the background, but I wasn't watching them.
They were background noise, white noise to help me.

...So what was I doing???

Like.

I know what I wasn't doing. I wasn't watching streams.
But for the life of me.

I can't figure out what I was doing.

I know I had to be doing something. Because I have vague memories of having spent the entire time I had those streams in the background, as having done something while having those streams in the background. I remember the background, but remember it wasn't dedicated to the stream backgrounds. They were backgrounds, not foregrounds.

So what was the foregrounds?!?

I have zero memory of things.

Like, I remember spending the majority of the movie I watched being looking up the movie on tvtropes.
But it wasn't all of the movie.

So what else was I doing???

And what did I do after it ended???

There's missing time.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know where my time keeps disappearing to.

Everything I have memory of doing doesn't fill enough time, not even remotely.

​So I keep on having time disappear.

How is it 5:20 am and I've done nothing???

Like.

No art.
No gaming.
Not spent on mafia. (Well some, but not enough.)

I've lost an entire day and I can't remember doing anything on it.

​Where did the time go?!?

We'll see if I can try to make it less of one tomorrow, but for now, still is, and still need bed.

​Ah well.

Literally, considering that I am sweating less than I should and thus my skin is warm/hot to the touch in spite of my body itself not being feverish. (Yes I do have a doctor appointment for this since yes it is in fact a fairly concerning thing, but not until like May 12th as that's the soonest I could get and they didn't think it was "go to the hospital RIGHT NOW" urgent.)

But like. Mentally I'm doing incredibly poorly with head racing spinning thoughts etc. and physically I've got a lot of (pardon the language) shit to deal with in that everything is just not functioning as it should in my body right now so like.

Spiraling is a happening.

​But, can't speak, gotta go to bed for work tomorrow.

Well, today I also watched a streamer until about 11 pm so like. I knew I'd have little time left.

It's just that I was meant to do mafia stuff tonight.

I did TFT instead.

Whoops!

At least I climbed by 3 LP I guess?

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

I need.

On the hygiene front, I'm doing about as badly as I can. My teeth are rotting because I'm not taking care of them, and I'm not taking a shower in spite of my last shower being on Wednesday, and I've only used shampoo/conditioner once in like two or three weeks (that being, on Wednesday).

In terms of things that I should be doing, I also haven't streamed at all, and haven't touched art since my drawing of Elemental Ruby, so there's a loss of momentum there.

I also haven't been doing the grinding that I need to do in Chrono Trigger (did a little yesterday but not enough), Final Fantasy VII, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5.

More than that, my notes keep piling up since I've not actually done the things I need to do in order to store the notes in their binders. (Well, one I got, the others, not so much.)

That having been said, I did complete the League and TFT quests, I did get my ranked game in for the week (I set a goal to do at least one ranked game per week), I did do mafia stuff that I have needed to work on including working on the modded game I want to run (tho speaking of a different kind of modding, still haven't done Civ 3, welp), and while my hygienic health has been utter garbage, my health in other areas I'm making strides in.

While I've been having an issue of sweating less and skin being warmer than it should be (presumably as a consequence of the less sweat) in spite of being hydrated and not being sunburnt, I have a doctor's appointment for it.

I also set a doctor appointment for psychiatry (at least I hope it is?), which might allow me to get a refill on my meds there.

I'm communicating more and networking more online so while I'm not nearly doing enough, I am doing more and more.

It's a slow and steady push, but it is in fact a push.

...Last night I had a dream which eventually stabilized into a Narbonicesque webcomic. The characters would include:

The female mad scientist, loosely considered the protagonist;

An incredibly brilliant, but snarky, AI assistant, who later gains hard-light projection abilities and even later still gains a body (a la the series Andromeda and the titular ship);

The male mad scientist, an initial new recruit (but unlike Narbonic, he's mad from the getgo);

A bimbo female assistant who sleeps with literally everyone in the main cast (which does mean that the entire crew ends up polyamorous, in large part thanks to her), who eventually gains alternate selves (portrayed respectfully since I am plural and wish to show a good portrayal of a form of plural), one an "evil" version that is into BDSM, is smarter, more grounded, and yet, is also incredibly violent, and a "good" version that is also smart, grounded, but annoyingly altruistic, and her normal self eventually works to become less of a klutz, and while not as smart, works to become a mediator between everyone;

An alien supergenius lifeform that's mostly a gigantic green brain, who is a rival to the female scientist and has claimed her lab as its own, leading to constant fighting and one-upping;

An evil mutant plant created by the alien, designed to consume and grow, hyper-intelligent on its own with big teeth that can eat anything and vines that are super-flexible (eventually in a spoiler revealed to be the author of the webcomic itself);

A less-evil mutant plant developed as a counterpart to the above made by the female mad scientist, with all of the traits of the above, who eventually becomes a renown author whose works are developed into films as well as a scientist, who is incredibly rude, crass, demeaning, insulting, etc., not to mention monstrous wearing a paper-thin disguise, and yet people still like the plant in spite of that.

It is a good idea, but alas, like most of mine, the extent of me making it will be me writing it down here.

The world may never know, see!
Can I do some real blogging?
Not while I'm this sleepy!

​(I think this was meant to be Green Day song tune?)