...But bed is supposed to be among them so I'll keep it brief.

I need to keep monitoring my skin temperature and how much sweat I'm producing since today seemed unusually warm-skin and low-sweat in spite of high hydration. (Extra high, in fact.)

I also feel like an impostor at work but more on me being a fraud will need to wait.

I've also got a twitter thread that I need to turn into a blog but will need to wait.

I technically should've been in bed a full hour ago so. This is as-is more than I should have.

Joined my first twitter community and also I found a new tag on twitter about plurality!

Can't explore things properly tonight (or rather, I explored them entirely tonight but I can't 'put this into writing' tonight where I share what I read elsewhere), but it big!

I'm a little disappointed that for a life event this huge, my blog is quite small, but just take my word for it.

​As much as it may not be making an impressive blog, this was a big day.

I just can't think of what to blog about. Games? Having done taxes? Game ideas? Story ideas? I just. I legit can't think of what I want to blog about, I can't focus on something for long enough to form a bloggable thought. Like, I will be thinking of things, and then I will think of things that are related to that which allow me to internally write it, but externally I just can't get those thoughts to flow into my words that I am writing.

These words that I am writing flow naturally. What I am writing now is second nature. It's fluid. It's natural. It's pouring out of my mind onto my keyboard. Basically raw thoughts, raw emotion, just written down as it comes out. What's the term, something about fluid thought? State of thought? There's a term that I should have memorized because it was popular in mafia games circa like 8 or so years ago OH got it, "stream of consciousness".

Right now I have stream of consciousness posting cranked up to 11. There's no preplanning of my thoughts. There's just freeform, where it's going from whatever feels natural to type that comes straight from my brain, almost no filter involved.

I do have more thoughts that are blog-worthy running through my mind, but they're not at the forefront. That might be a plurality thing at play where my body is more or less acting on its own, with the body writing the words and the minds that are my facets thinking more specific things with the core just being the things that take no effort to make and think, just flow, but like...

...I dunno, it's just that. Well. I prefer to have blogs that are somewhat preplanned, structured, where I know what I want to talk about, what will be involved, how I will say it, what it will be about, subjects covered, the indepth nature of them, etc. I don't really like to go with the flow like this one is but like.

Hey, at least it's better than not making one I guess?

In fact, sad and pathetic as it may be, this is probably the longest most indepth most "interesting" blog post I've made in weeks, maybe even months, because I've kept it going, even though I kinda loathe this sort of ramble. Like, most of my rambles have structure to them. A madness to the method, sure, but with method in the madness. They were chaotic, they were ADHD manifested with my inability to focus and having distracting thoughts come up.

But most of the time, even those rambles have structure between one thought and the other. I might not have the ideas tied together well, but I have the ideas neatly separated and the ideas are each coherent on their own even if they have no segue, no transition, involved from one to the other.

Yet this one just has none of that. It's just one continuous "mess", and while I realize this may be the most interesting blog I've written in who knows how long to some people, with some people loving this style for the freestyleness of it where you're getting my beginning-to-show-tiredness-but-not-yet-utterly-exhausted freeflow of word vomit, but like.

While I get that there's a market for that sort of content.
While I get that there is an audience who enjoys that sort of spew.

I, personally, as the one making it: hate it. It's not my thing. It's hard to follow, it's hard to read back later. Like, while I may have forgotten to do this in a long time, in theory I have plans to reread the entirety of my blog for tag-checking in order to get the tags there that need to be there.

Structured blogs like the ones I prefer are easy to sort through en masse, since sifting through them is as simple as looking at one topic then looking at the next.

This blog?

Will I ever be able to read this blog again?

Well in theory yes, maybe, but in practice, probably not, no.

And if I can't read my own words after I've written them, that's an issue, so that's why I hate what I am doing right now for a blog thanks to the blogger's block, in spite of knowing that it is interesting to some people. It's just not "my thing", but ah well. A blog's a blog, I guess.

I mean, even if I had the time, I probably wouldn't make a blog due to blogger's block, but I'd at least have had the chance to make one if I had thought of it earlier and put time into it earlier.

Today I just was a bit too busy.

That said, with some luck, I might be exiting my mental funk.

Fingers crossed tho; it's always on a knife's edge where I could slip back in on a moment's notice.

Mother Ranger coming in clutch.

(Speaking of which, that term will confuse blog readers unaware of my plurality updates because I big dum dum who hasn't actually blogged about that huge breakthrough in my plurality. Whooops.)

Just.

Let me just.

Vanish until better times, please.

Not permanently vanish.

But like.

Just disappear for a time.

​Can I have that please.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

...Today I'm in no condition to do a lot of things.

I'm furious at myself, disappointed in myself, and my self-loathing is building up.

Because for something that I cannot safely talk about on here due to the rules involved, I am very...emotional right now. Angry (unrelated to the fury at myself, this was directed externally rather than internally), passionate, invested, and very very hyper-focused (speaking of which, need to take my meds there).

I lost my entire day focusing on that one thing.

When I had so much free time.

I was planning to use that time.

But I just...I didn't. I got distracted by that thing.

And as a result?

Nothing.

It's 4:20 (noice), and I am tired, I am dehydrated, I am cold, I've not fed my cats, I've not taken my lamotrigine, I've not taken my vitamins, I've not done the art I wanted to, I did none of the gaming I wanted to, I didn't get back into streaming in spite of tonight being a golden opportunity to have done so, I wasted like...it had to have been 8 hours of time that I had free but have now lost.

It's not worth it.
So regret and self-hatred grow from my stupid obsession that brought nothing but stress and hyper-strong emotions to me today.

I mean, progressing League quest which I have 2 weeks left to do, but...that's about it.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.

Turns out one of my medications I've been taking during the day can cause drowsiness.

Now granted, with me taking it at the night now my nights will be extra tired, but in theory​ my days should be better!