I mentioned last time I blogged how I don't like rehashing what happened last year ad nauseum, don't like repeating it, don't like focusing on it to a detrimental amount, etc. You get the idea. It can sometimes be hard to believe that I legitimately am working on moving on given how it seems most of my blogs as of late have been revisiting the subject. But, something did happen which made me want to talk about it some more.

Last time, I mentioned that one of the reasons I considered going public was essentially for the benefit of a good friend. I didn't want that good friend to become a victim--they're also good friends with the problematic streamer. They might have called me a good friend, but the entire time, they were also good friends with the person I believe to be problematic. And I didn't want them to get hurt by that streamer.

I considered warning them about that streamer, as well as the ex-friends.
I even wrote a draft of what it'd be. Something along the lines of,
"Not an unban request because I know you won't believe me right now, more of a warning to your future self.

"Please do not let (problematic streamer), (ex-friend), (ex-friend's partner), or anyone tied to them gaslight you about anything you personally experienced. Never let them rewrite events, or put doubt into your mind.

"Never accept fault or blame yourself for anything relating to them.

"Never villainize yourself. Never think you are the problem, never believe you are to blame.  Never let them convince you things you know happened one way, happened the way they tell you it did.

"Do not let them emotionally manipulate you, especially not with anything regarding harm caused. Don’t accept being told you know what you did wrong, or that you have caused unacceptable harm to the community or loved ones.

"Trust your instincts. Not your brain or your feelings of what you want to be true. You will always want to believe everyone involved is a good person except yourself, and will be naturally inclined to blame yourself.

"Ignore those negative thoughts and, focusing on just your INSTINCTS, recall events with as much clarity as you possibly can. Not taking the accounts of others in. Just your own memory, as pure as can be.

"You will doubt it. Over and over. But try your best to listen and be honest. 

"And just know, if you ever fear that nobody will believe you...WE WILL. You will always have at least two who will listen and be on your side and believe your perspective and what you say.

"I know current you probably won’t know WTF this is about. And I mean it; I truly hope you never need to understand why I would send this to you. But this is for any future you, to hopefully remember if it does come to pass and you do need help. Best of wishes regardless of what your future holds."

I considered sending it to them, even if not going public. All because I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want them to be a victim. I don't want them to end up like kels and I did. I don't want them to be traumatized. I don't want them to be villainized. I don't want them to end up broken, shattered, defenseless, hopeless, feeling used, taken advantage of, abused. I don't want them to have to suffer like that. And given what I know about the problematic person, there is a very real, reasonably high chance, they are at a high risk of having exactly that happen.

I wanted to, for lack of a better term, "save" them, save them from the abuse before the abuse would happen, as it were.

A big reason for wanting to go public was for the chance it would be saving them, protecting them from harm, before the harm actually happened. And I wanted to warn them for the same reason. They called me a good friend at one point, and the feeling is mutual. I care about them. I worried about them, and still would worry about them if not for my guides essentially going "let it go. Stop worrying. You can't do anything. It's their battle to fight, their lesson to learn", essentially.

Every time I asked what would happen if I went public, the answer from my guides was overwhelmingly positive, because we likely would be believed and supported after we challenged the narrative the masses were fed and believed blindly. We have proof, we have evidence, of our innocence, or at least of not being guilty in the way we are thought, of the intentions behind our actions, etc. You get the idea. And it would do a lot of good, and prevent any potential future harm, especially to my good friend who is at risk.

...But ultimately, for numerous reasons, I decided it would be better to move on, and I promise we will be moving on largely, probably after this blog for good. This will probably not be the very last blog I ever write on the subject, because as I unpack thoughts I feel it's healthy for me to express them. Still, this will be one of the last blogs, and likely the last blog in a long while, on the subject of the problematic streamer and what went down last year.

Because we are moving on.

I did also ask if I should deliver the warning to that friend, privately, the only way I could. The answer was consistently "maybe, but only if it's for the right reason; what are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?", essentially. And, yeah, what I want to do is to protect a good friend from trauma and harm they shouldn't need to suffer through. They've already survived so much, so I don't want them to have to suffer more through yet another toxic relationship.

...But a large part of me told me that it's their battle to fight. Their lesson to learn. Their path to heal from. Their journey to undergo. And that they don't want my help. And that my help wouldn't do much if any good. They'd have my advice if they ever recognized they need it, but they might not recognize they need it, and would likely never have much use for it. By the time they would know they need it, they wouldn't need it. I know that sounds silly, but no, really. By the time they would need the warning, they no longer would need the warning. By the time they would believe the warning, they would have already overcome the need for the warning because the inherent ability to recognize the situation would mean no need for a warning about the situation. Either they wouldn't believe the warning because of not recognizing it or they wouldn't need the warning because they do recognize it.

...So, accepting that helped me move on a lot from the idea of going public, or warning people in general.

I feel like it is their lesson to learn. Back when I was still at my peak levels of despair, in December, January, and February? The message from my guides was always crystal clear. "It's their lesson to learn, not yours." That I had already learned and grown from my mistakes. The people who cut me out were the ones who would need to learn at that point.

And...it remains true. The people who cut me out because of the misinformation campaign against us, the people who cut me out because they believed I am a threat to communities? They're going to learn the hard way they cut the wrong people out and the actual threat is still there, poisoning the well to this day.

And that's what inspired my blog about the subject today.

Because I got the best proof of this recently.

​In the community of a cross-pollinated streamer who is close friends with the problematic streamer, there's a 90-95% community overlap. That community and the community of the problematic streamer are a Venn Diagram that's nearly a circle. There's some only in one half, but 90+% are in both. So what happens in this streamer's community is representative of the community of the problematic streamer, too. Especially since the problematic streamer regularly talks to the streamer this community is about.

I'm no longer in the community myself...but as it turns out, people still want to talk to me about that community.

​Even if they don't know the circumstances behind why I'm no longer there.

I recently had a conversation with someone who has absolutely no idea the circumstances for why I'm not in that community anymore...and despite them having NO IDEA, they STILL came to ME to talk about issues they were seeing. Issues that validate what I've been talking about.

They managed to intuit out that some of the people in this alleged safe space chat weren't good people. They had NO IDEA. They had no idea what I went through. They had no clue. They were afraid to namedrop the streamer, afraid to speak badly about that streamer and their community, because they thought I still thought fondly of them. They were afraid of souring *MY* opinion of the community, not realizing if anything it'd be the other way around.

They, completely separately from me, detected problems I had known about. Without any context, without any knowledge, they correctly picked up on toxic poison being spread, of gaslighting being done. They somehow knew that certain people were gaslighting others, without any prior bias, without any prior context. They couldn't have known. They deliberately avoid knowing that kind of thing for their own mental health. Yet somehow, despite deliberately avoiding it, they managed to pick up on that poisoning of the well, that poisoning of the community.

They knew, and became disillusioned. Without any knowledge of what happened to me. I've had multiple friends from that community who have become disillusioned with it. They mention all of the problems they had, and they had these problems before what happened to me, made worse and confirmed by what happened to me. But it's not just close friends who knew what happened to me. It's not people who were biased.

This is someone who had no idea what happened to me, who loved the community, and was baffled, confused, by the change, wondering if they were the problem. If the community had stagnated while they outgrew it, essentially. They found what the issue was, without knowing it. They said "I think it's my own feels", they said "it's surely nothing and I'm overthinking"...

...Except they aren't. They're right. They weren't even trying to identify the problem, they specifically were just trying to vibe as they always did, yet instinctively, they felt it. The change in the community vibes, because of the poisoned well. A well which got poisoned because of the problematic streamer and the minions of the problematic streamer who are our ex-friends. And the mistrust, the paranoia, the lack of understanding, etc., all which entailed from following their lead.

It affected an entire community, and they are still feeling the effects, getting worse with time. The source of the poison is still there, after all. Innocent, perfectly harmless actions, are now being viewed with suspicion and doubt, paranoia and mistrust. Actions which used to be people trying to connect with each other, converse with each other, are now seen as something that raises red flags in the minds of those who have been poisoned.

Friendships which lasted years, undone by that poison. By that effort to divide, sow the seeds of mistrust, to paint harmless actions as sinister. Innocent things meant to bond and to form a community are now in that community being perceived as malicious acts that warrant being tense about. That paranoia, that suspicion, is there. People are feeling a need to defend themselves, in ways they didn't used to feel the need to defend themselves.

And that is the poison which is spreading. Keep in mind, this is a community well-versed in internet safety. All of us thought we were staying safe and did fairly good jobs at it previously. Yet thanks to the poison...what was previously safe and a good job is seen as not enough protection. Walls go up. Divides are formed. The connection isn't being formed as it used to. All due to the community well being poisoned, and the poison not being removed.

​Again. The source of this is from someone who had no idea I already knew from first-hand experience. This is from someone who didn't know I was a victim. This is from someone who had no idea what had happened to me. And this person still managed to identify the exact problem, without trying to!

So, that leaves me thinking...

...My guess of this all resolving in or before 2026?

...I'm beginning to think that was a hugely conservative estimate.

The poison spreading this quickly and rampantly? To where someone completely unrelated can intuitively tell​ about it without trying? It's going to lead to people realizing what the problem was. Eventually. They are going to learn what caused them to change for the worse. And it's going to happen sooner rather than later. They are going to learn what burned them, and they are going to do digging into the root cause.

I think the community will bounce back from it eventually--but the damage will have been done. Many who leave in this process likely won't return. Myself among them. As much as that community once meant to me...I don't think I can ever trust them again, not unless they have a serious reform. They lost their ability to trust in others. I wouldn't feel welcome unless that trust in others was returned.

And yes. I get the irony. My trust in them was lost by their lack of trust. But it's the best way I have to describe it. The poison of a lack of trust infected the community thanks to the problematic streamer and the agents of the problematic streamer, the ex-friends who chose the problematic streamer over their friends, over doing the right thing, and continued to spread the misinformation about kels and I and poisoned the minds of my friends.

These people twisted innocent actions, these people took the portrayal of people at their weakest, most vulnerable, worst states where they were emotionally compromised, and portrayed that as the norm. These people turned love into lovebombing, turned sharing information/facts into harm/abuse, turned efforts to mend into efforts to hurt. They spread that perspective, that doubt, that questioning of character, and infected the minds of everyone in the community.

And that paranoia, that doubt, didn't stay on just me, or just kels. It remains, with nearly everyone distrustful of nearly everyone, in ways they weren't before.

And that's poison.

I was never the problem.
kels was never the problem.

The problem remains, even after we have left, because the call was coming from inside the building.

​I wanted to believe the problematic streamer was a good person.

And despite everything, as fucked up as it is? I still want to believe the ex-friends are good people.
I've laid out, nearly as explicitly as I can without actually talking about the exchanges, all of the ways I know they're not. How they used emotional manipulation to try and get me to drop kels. How they outright gaslit me and tried to lie about events I remembered too well for their gaslighting to work. And so on and so forth. I have every reason to think they're horrible, with the only reasons I have to doubt it being...well, basically...

...a combination of remembering the good times when we were friends, hearing about them from people still friends with them, and my belief in most people being good but all people being flawed.

I want to believe they're good, despite all of what they did to me, and how their poison remains a plague that infected an entire community and sowed seeds of distrust that destroyed the vibes of connection previously present.

But really...I guess only time will tell.

Ultimately...it's not my battle to fight.
It's not my space anymore.
It was a found family, I truly treasured my time there...but I've moved on.
And that's again why this will likely be among my last blogs on the subject.

Receiving word about what has happened there from an unbiased source? Validated me. It's vindicating to know that the exact things which were things I said were problematic, are being seen as such by people completely unaware of my knowledge. They weren't biased by me. They found that on their own, because it's not just me.

It's healing. It's soothing. But it's not something I'm going to get entangled in. It's not something I'm going to continue focusing on. With the knowledge of the state of the community, I know that the explosion is going to happen sooner rather than later. People are going to want answers, people are going to ask, "What the hell happened to us? What happened here???", sooner rather than later. They are going to do digging, reevaluating, and revisit the past. I know it's going to happen, sooner rather than later, and knowing that is cathartic.

Knowing they will heal, they will learn, they will grow, after realizing the mistake they made in letting that distrust fester, in letting that lack of faith last so long. Knowing they let themselves be hurt by a nonexistent version of people, and that the threats they viewed were never threats. Knowing they will grow, they will figure out, what the real issue was and who caused it and how it happened.

That's all healing, to know it will happen sooner rather than later.

...But I have spoken my piece. So now I am at peace. It's not my place anymore, despite my fondness for it. It's not my fight. I already learned. I already grew. I already am healing. That healing would best be served by moving on, now that I have spoken as much as I can. There's a lot more I could say, to be sure...but I don't think it'd help to.

Fingers crossed from here on out we can all collectively move on.

I apologize for bothering you. And I am so sorry for having been this critical, this negative. I truly want to not be, and I truly hope to embody the very thing I think the community I was in had lost. I want to trust, as I wasn't trusted. I want to believe, as I wasn't believed. I want to see the good, as I wasn't seen for all the good. I want to be better than to ever possibly risk putting someone through the Hell I lived through.

I wouldn't wish my suffering on my worst enemy. Not the streamer I believe is problematic, not the ex-friends. I don't think they deserve that. I don't think they deserve to suffer. I don't think they deserve to be entirely cast out. To have the harm they caused be recognized, identified, and have communities correct for it? Yeah I think that's a necessity to happen at some point. But I never want to have anyone go through what we did.

I don't want to ever feel a need to be paranoid, distrustful, guarded, reserved. I don't want to ever put up walls. I don't want to ever spread poison. I don't want to ever speak badly of people I used to think fondly of. I don't want to think people are irredeemable, and should be condemned. I don't want to believe people are horrible enough where they deserve scorn. I don't want to highlight the negatives we all have. I don't want to focus on the bad.

So going forward...I hope that I can focus on all the positives. On all the learnings. On all the healing. On all which is good in this world. I truly wish you can have that strength, too. Thank you for tolerating my rants about my trauma. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for listening. And I hope that I can help you in some way shape or form going forward. <3

The sadness is strong.
The despair is there.
The grief is there.
The regret is there.

The dread is there.
And the loss.

I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread, as the losses are finalized. But the great sense of how much is just...gone...will never truly go away.

All I can really do is to focus on what I still have. Especially who I still have. I have a good mindset towards things overall.

I don't feel bitterness.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel like lashing out.
I don't feel like fighting.
I don't feel like snarking.
I don't feel like sharing unfiltered thoughts or making snide commentary.
I don't feel like being passive aggressive.
I don't feel like being aggressive.

Those who remove me from spaces often include a sentiment of "I wish you well". At my worst, I can think things along the lines of "...but do you really?", but by and large...I want to take those well-wishes and live by them. Their well-wishes are reflected by my own. I truly wish all of them the best. I truly wish all of those I have hurt that they get the chance to heal and to live their best lives. I hope them well on their journeys, and I do wish them well.

And any who wish me well and mean it...I want to take their well-wishes and manifest them by living well.

Still, there will be strong sadness, and that's on top of the physical issues.

It was probably the pizza I had, but given that this kind of thing can affect the stomach, it's possible it's the mental/emotional as well. Or both, with the mental/emotional worsening. But, I'm having tummy troubles today. I felt like vomiting yesterday, and I have gurgley groans today.

Eating and drinking are a struggle, and I have to stay largely stationary in bed until they pass. Which, who knows if they will or not.

I'm hungry, but can't stomach food.

And there is the mental sadness, which has some voices say "I don't want to exist anymore".

I don't think I'm suicidal. I was back in December, but I have had six months to adjust my attitude and prepare and basically brace myself.

​But, the sense of loss and sadness and depression is enough to have those flareups.

Still, despite the pain.

I know I will be okay.

​But, it will take me time to readjust my life and be more balanced and driven in finding my path forward.

I know what I want to do.

I don't think I know quite how to do it yet.

And that's okay.

I will figure it out.

I will be okay, eventually.

There's sadness, but also the relief of the release.

I know my attitude of "I'm free" will help me get back on my feet fairly quickly. I know I'm not bad enough to have entered a safe mode. (Although I've been close.) I know my mindset might not be the healthiest possible--but I feel like, at least in the moment, it is the best possible, or at least the best possible for me in the moment.

​So, as rough as today will be, and some of the times going forward, I know what I will be focusing on and nurturing.

Again, thank you all for being with me, for however much time you have been.

I don't think you need to worry about me, because I think I am going to be fine, but if you are inclined to, that means a lot. Thank you all for the wonderful vibes and the level of time you have invested in me.

I'll continue to be doing the things I am.

I'm going to be around, and continuing things like blogs, streams, etc. I am going to live my life.

​But it will be significantly different to how it was.

That might seem like an unusual title for a blog if you know the full circumstances behind what happened today, but it will make sense.

I have a bad tendency to overshare publicly, or on my blog to half-overshare half-undershare where I both share too much and yet don't share enough, and today's entry will likely be no different than that.

I'll say that I am comfortable disclosing what I am disclosing in part because I was willing to go public with everything that has gone on since March 21st, 2023. Including on this blog. I was willing to disclose it all, start to finish, cover it all, despite all the risks, despite all the potential harm it could cause. In fact...I had previously promised my fiance that if one of two things happened, I would do exactly that.

I have been of the mindset of trying to move on from what happened, and despite its continued presence reappearing--in December for me, in April for both me and my fiance, and today for me--I never wanted to fight. I wanted to move on. But they wanted to go public, to fight back, and I was the one who convinced them not to...with the caveat that if one of two things happened, that I would not keep moving on, that I would go public and fight.

So when it happened today...I was ready to begin the process of going public. I had promised I would, and I always keep my word. Yet...my fiance doesn't want to fight. My fiance doesn't want to go through the struggle which comes with going public and sharing. They just want to move on in life and rebuild. They have taken my previous stance, despite me being ready to have embraced their previous stance.

So that's why I'm comfortable sharing everything I am sharing now. It's because I was ready to go public, and my fiance is the reason why I am currently opting not to.

So, because I am currently opting not to go public, I'm not going to share the details.

But I'm free.

I'm free from having the weight on my shoulders.
I'm free from the fear of losing people--I just lost most of them. And over the course of days, weeks, maybe a couple months, will lose more. All for the same thing.
I'm free from my anxieties.
I'm free from the burden of feeling guilt, for remaining in spaces despite my past failings.

I'm free from the desire to help people--I have been dealing with a longtime struggle for most of my life between pursuing helping others with my investment in their lives, and pursuing my creativity.
There's a finite amount of time in a day. So every bit of time I spend in a space with friends is a bit of time I don't spend working on my ideas. I had previously resigned myself to having given up on basically all of my ideas, because I had chosen the spaces with the friends over the creative works. I had opted out of being a hermit to opt into socializing.

And now I am free from that, because having lost those spaces, I have lost that limitation on my creativity.

I don't want to imply those spaces were limiting. I don't want to imply those spaces were a burden. I don't want to imply those spaces were negative. I don't want to imply those spaces were in any way a waste of time. Nor do I want to imply I have no sense of loss or sadness for them. There is a great deal of grief to be had.

But--I want to say this much.
I was okay to devote the vast majority of my life to those spaces. I was okay with spreading joy and positivity. I was okay with just being that friend who was always there. I was okay with being that person who was always willing to listen. I was willing to give my love to them, unconditionally, because I cared. And I did. Arguably too much, to be honest. To an unhealthy level.

Both to myself, with how much of me I was giving, and to others, who were uncomfortable with how invested I was. Even though my intentions were innocent and good in theory, I recognize I went too far. I was working on toning it back, on being less overwhelming, less overbearing, less invested, etc. But I didn't do so soon enough, quickly enough, etc. I cared too much, and wasn't able to care less until it was too late.

And now I am free.

I recognize I will never get those spaces back. Ever. And that knowledge is liberating.

I will not need to deal with the constant "what if"s of thinking about maybe things improving.
I will not need to deal with the consistent false hope.
I will not need to deal with any of my worries, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, relating to them.

I am free of it. Forever.

​I know I am still in the process of losing people. But now I won't need to worry about losing people anymore. The events which have been set into motion have forced what will be a decision from them. Either they choose to cut me out, or they choose to keep me in their life. I won't need to worry about them doing that months or years from now. They are going to be deciding in minutes, hours, days, maybe at the most weeks.

And that's liberating. Because it means that those who stay were the friends worth keeping. And those who leave were the friends who weren't. And that will give me a better freedom of deciding where to invest my time. Friends worth keeping will get my time, and friends who don't want my time won't get it, allowing me to give time elsewhere.

There's a huge level of freedom to be had in just...no longer needing to overextend myself.
To not try and do too much all at once.
To not try and help everyone.
To not try and be in too many spaces.
To not need to worry.
To not need to fear.
To not have all those anxieties.
To not have all those what-ifs.
​To not have all those fantasies.

There's a huge amount of freedom and liberation in being able to...not worry about hurting people anymore.

I've been worried about hurting people ever since July of last year.
I've been afraid I was going to badly hurt people who I had befriended.
I was worried I would leave nothing but bad memories and vibes in their hearts.
I was afraid of souring their worldviews.
I was terrified I would embitter them.
I was so scared I was going to make them cynical and jaded from having their hearts so to speak broken by me.

And now, I don't need to worry anymore.

It's for a bad reason--because it happened en masse.
The event I was afraid of for the better part of a year just happened, and the result is going to be all of those fears being realized.

And there is a great deal of liberation in knowing it has happened.
Because now I am free.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.
I was afraid I would.
I constantly was working on trying to avoid hurting people.

To leave good vibes.
To spread joy and positivity.
To leave my legacy as being that person who cared, who loves, who has nothing but investment in the goodness and wellbeing of others.

And I was afraid it would all be destroyed.
I was afraid it would all be reversed.

And maybe it did...
...But now, I don't need to worry about it anymore.

I don't need to care anymore, as I have.
I don't need to focus so much time and effort into the wellbeing of others.

I can live my life now.

​So I am free.

I will always share in private the details to any who want to hear me out.

But in public, I don't want to go into more detail than this without my fiance by my side.

Still.

Despite my sadness.
Despite my sense of loss.
Despite my dread of knowing I am not quite done losing people and places, as this just happened.

I am free.

I know it's weird, that mindset.

It probably makes no sense to those who don't really get me.

But I have always tried to focus on the positives.
I have always tried to see the silver linings.
Not in a toxic positivity way.
But in a "I want to find a way to move forward" way.
​
And there's many negatives.
I will continue to have this follow me unless I go public.
Not going public carries the consequences of me potentially losing spaces and friends I could have kept by having gone public.
That I have been this force of good, this force of positivity and joy, that I cared so much and was invested so much, only to have my flaws revealed and cause my removal means that there will be countless people. Dozens, maybe even hundreds. Who are negatively impacted by the revelation.

People are going to get hurt by me, badly, and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. It's happened already, it's happening now, it will continue to happen into the near future.

But I have no control over that. I need to surrender. I need to accept it will happen and there's nothing that I can do to change it. The mistakes I made carried consequences, and I need to accept those consequences manifesting.

​And because I can't stop those negatives from happening.
While I can acknowledge they are happening--there's no reason to focus on what I can't change.

I can't change what I've done. All I can do is change my future.

And with the release of this...I can focus on the positives.

And the positives are that I will soon have nothing left to lose.
Everything I could have lost, I either will have lost or will have kept.
I will have nothing left to prevent me from pursuing what I want to do.
I will have more time available for my creativity.

For a long time now, my spirit guides have been telling me to focus on my ideas, to focus on my creativity, and to embrace my gifts in making things. I'd been consistently neglecting those in favor of focusing on keeping people in my life I was holding onto despite knowing I was likely going to lose them down the line.

And now...that is gone.

It happened.

So I am free to start doing the things I want to.
​To write.
To show my system.
To do my art.
To create music.
To dance.
To embrace my talents as a creator.

And that is why I will be okay.
I am sad, to be sure. I am always going to feel saddened by those whose lives are going to be made worse by learning of my flaws.
But I am not going to spiral.

I am going to be alright.
I have the sadness of knowing all those who I have lost and will lose.

But I am going to be okay, because I have the happiness of knowing about all those who stay.

​Thank you all.

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.

...but often, I struggle to write them down.

I'm not gonna lie, things are very difficult right now in my life. Financially, I went into the red, and all efforts to make more money have largely stalled and not panned out. I've got a raise incoming, but it's not here yet. I'm unable to work more hours than I currently am. I don't make money streaming.

The process for donating things for money isn't as simple as just walking in and doing it--there's a bunch which needs to be done, and I haven't been proactive in pursuing it.

We need to look into if we qualify for SNAP benefits and to see what we can get from the food bank.

We need to work out how to cut costs, how to budget, etc.

All things we've been trying to do, but not succeeding quickly enough.

My fiance and I have been cutting more and more costs since January, yet despite us spending less and less, we still bled money gradually, and this month it was the point where we finally went red.

My fiance has been applying for work for nine months, to no avail. They haven't been able to land a job or even get remotely close.

Among the things we need to do is to go to an in-person place to see wtf we need to do to help them land a job.

And like...on top of all that?

I have crippling depression.

And I know, that line has become a meme recently, but I have been using it since before it was a meme. I have crippling depression. It hits me even without thoughts attached, but is made worse by the thoughts attached.

No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I have my mental coping strategies in place, I can't shake the thoughts of the past and their bleedthrough into the present while imagining futures that likely never will be.

I KNOW that it's not healthy to dwell on the past. I KNOW it's not good to ponder all my failures. I KNOW that thinking about the "what if"s is unhealthy. I KNOW. Yet, I still do it anyway. I can't help it. I keep thinking about them, over and over and over again. Those I hurt, and how they are hurting, and how desperately I want for things to be healed and for us to be friends again. The thoughts are all over the place, yet remain largely consistent in those themes.

Beyond that, the thoughts vary. Sometimes about how pointless it all is. Sometimes wondering if I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm good, deluding myself into thinking I'm better. Often figuring there must be things I'm not getting, things I'm not understanding, things I don't know, things I am not seeing, etc. There has to be some things that I don't get to know, yet which affect the situation. Etc.

But, the depression is still there, because I got hurt, I hurt them, my having hurt them makes my own hurt worse, and that hurt is ongoing.

My ideal self maintains such a beautiful view of the world. Nothing is impossible to heal. No challenge is truly impossible to overcome. No bridge is permanently burned. People who saw the best in each other can see it again. People are lovely, beautiful, and loving. Kind, caring, empathetic. They can see so much and understand so much. So surely, when ready, there must be a way to rebuild. There must be a way to mend, there must be a way to heal. And it can be together, not separately.

My ideal self feels that there needn't be a forced permanent separation. I still think fondly of them, love them even, and see how wonderful they are. I want nothing more than to support them. I want to shower them with praise, to be their hype woman. To help them, to reassure them through the challenges, to hug them, to give them the love they deserve. I want to be there for them, to offer my time to them, to give them the joy and positivity I have to offer the world. And my ideal self feels that should be possible.

And yet. There's the greater pain specifically because of that ideal self and how in the actual world...it isn't there. I can't give that love and support to those who want nothing from me, and there's nothing I can do. So my ideal self is facing the cold harsh reality that some people just...don't want to try and heal with us. They have no interest. They want nothing to do with us. They don't think fondly of me. They have no love of me. They have only hatred.

And maybe they don't consider themselves having hatred for me. They would never say anything but "I wish you the best". But for whatever reason, they don't actually. They don't wish the best for me. They don't see the best in me. They don't see the best of me. They don't see it, or want it. To my ideal self, it's something she doesn't understand.

My ideal self believes that most people are good. All people are flawed, but most people are good. And to her, she struggles to understand why it is so hard to see it in others. She can see it in others, why can't others see it as well? She understands not everyone sees things as she does, but she doesn't understand why they can't see things more her way, especially since the world is all the more beautiful and wonderful when you focus on the good rather than the bad. (Within reason. Not toxic positivity, but more an acknowledgement of both existing.)

​She wonders why people who wish us the best, don't follow through with what wishing the best actually would be. But, she also doesn't blame them. She just is hurt, confused, and struggling.

Because the more that ideal self can't have the wonderful world she dreams of, the more the pain grows, because she knows it should be possible. My ideal self isn't thinking of an impossible world which could never exist. She isn't thinking of a magical fantasyland where people are perfect. She sees things as they are, people as they are, for the wonderful beings they are. And that's why she hurts as much as she does. She isn't thinking of an impossible to obtain standard of perfection. She is thinking of a realistically doable thing that in theory should be doable with ease.

And yet it isn't.

And so the pain grows.

And on top of that pain is the pain of depression.

We think of all our failures.
We think of all our shortcomings.
We think of all our inadequacies.
We think of all our mistakes.
We think about everything we have done wrong.

We try our best. And we are good. But we are not perfect, so we keep making mistakes.
Our flaws are glaring to us.
Our imperfections have consequences.

We understand that actions have consequences, but what we don't understand is why those consequences are as longlasting as they are. Why they continue to hurt all involved. Consequences should be working towards bettering those involved, to correct behavior, to learn from mistakes, to course correct and become better, and if those consequences aren't achieving those goals, then shouldn't the consequences be...not what they are?

It's something we wrestle with. The beauty in this world is just so...wonderful.

And we are facing the constant pain of...it not panning out.

We think of all the ways we have made things worse.
We think about all the times we have done things which destroy rather than build.

We think about all of that.

And are dragged down by our own thoughts. Calling myself a failure. Saying we suck. Saying we deserve all these punishments. That we don't deserve to heal, that we don't deserve those friendships, that we don't deserve to have good. We don't deserve to have the best wished on us. We aren't enough. We never will be.

We always think about that. About how we can never be enough.
About how we will never be enough.
We never will be able to give people what they need.

And it feels...so terrible.

Because we want to.

We want to give people the world.
We want to give people that wonder, that joy, that positivity, that love.

And we have so much to give.

It just feels like it's not enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

We've accomplished a lot.

Every day, we help reassure people. We give our joy, our positivity, our feedback.

We have literally saved lives before.

We have people who see us as the wonderful beautiful souls we are. Who love us, adore us, and who appreciate being our friends.

We have done a lot of work on poetry, on songs, and even been writing a lot.

And we've gotten a great deal of art done. Which is great for my twitch stream.

I might not have finished any of them, and I know all of them have their flaws, but I still have a lot to be proud of. As long as I have been making art, I have been GREAT, even stellar, at creating good expressions. Despite my anatomy, linework, coloring, etc., all being lackluster, despite all my artistic weaknesses, I'm good at making expressions, and the emotes are showing those, conveying their core message and meaning, incredibly well.

I know that my Love emote needs more work.

I know my facepalm emote needs a lot more work.

But they are still great as-is.

And I should be proud of them.

I should be proud of all the work I have done and am doing. I've continued adjusting my stream, I've continued to level up my discord, I've added new alerts, new bit badge art, new channel point art, new bot commands, new bits of fun, etc. I continue to learn, and build, and create. I get better, slowly. Bit by bit. I improve.

Yet no matter how much I am improving.

I still think of all the failures.

I think of all the things I can't do, because the people involved don't want me to.
I think of all the things I can do but which I don't do, because I'm doing other things.

All my little failures in hygiene.

All my failures in pursuing extra income.

All my failures in pursuing budgeting.

All my failures in pursuing financial burden relief.

All of my shortcomings, all the things I miss out on.

All of the ways I choose to spend my time, which aren't spending time elsewhere.

As I write this blog I'm not engaged with my fiance and a friend in spending time together.
As I write this blog, I'm not responding to DMs from a new friend.
As I do art for streams, I'm not doing writing and worldbuilding and organizing.
As I do Stardew Valley work, I'm not doing writing or art or plurality work.

As I do what I am, I'm not doing things like recording and posting videos.

I've fallen behind on recording and uploading videos. I can do a catchup video when I resume, a good vlog, but I still need to do it and currently I'm not.

I've fallen behind on daily blogging.

This is a good start, but I need to keep blogging every day. This blog was a daily blog for nearly eight years straight. It's only in the last year or two I've fallen off, and I don't want to. My blog is great. My blog is amazing. I need to keep it up.

I feel like I am not doing enough to network with people, to retain people, to engage people, to be on top of finances, to be on top of health, etc. I feel like I'm not doing enough in any aspect of my life.

I feel like I've gotten worse at assuring people. I feel like my skills at reassuring, at affirming, have atrophied. I feel like I am not there for people when they need me to be there for them.

And I just feel...so inadequate.

The difficulties in life keep piling up.

And often, I feel like I need to be strong and just bear the blunt of the blow life keeps dealing. I need to be calm, cool, reassuring, positive, and in control whenever my fiance has their own struggles from all of their perceived shortcomings. (They have far fewer than they think, but I need to be in a mindset where I can tell them that when they think about those issues.) I need to be the friend who knows things. I need to be the friend who knows what to say, is there, can give the time.

I need to be everything, to be that Breeacon of light and positivity. I need to be that source of joy, that wholesome yet cursed source of entertainment and good vibes. I need to be able to give my time to support and uplift others. I need to be able to be there for them.

And often...I feel like...given my own shortcomings...I can't be.

Which hurts.

I'm trying my best, but I can never be everything I need to be.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am.

Now, granted. I still have a lot I do well. But I just feel...no matter what, I can't be as strong as I need to be. I put on a brave face. I put on the aura of this person who has life together somewhat, who knows basically everything, who has made mistakes and learned from them and is a source of wisdom and knowledge and can give learnings and reassurance and affirmations and so on and so forth.

But...I am human, in body, even if my mind is more. And that human body with its flawed mind is...so, so damaged and broken.

I keep burying the pain, distracting myself, but the pain is still there. I don't have a way to let it out because I quite literally can't afford to. If I don't keep things together, they'll fall apart for everyone. So I have to stay on top of things.

I manage well enough, but like...

...I just have...so, so much I need to do...better than I am.

I hope that, maybe, just maybe, this can go out to someone who can see me, see the human I am, and provide them the reassurance that they are doing better than they realize.

Because if I am going through all of this, then maybe it can help others realize they are not alone in going through similar.

But, I can't really give you more than that. These thoughts are all I have to offer.

They're ramblings, mostly negative, but with the tint of the positive, from my love, from the beauty, from all there is to see that is wonderful and amazing and incredible. If that makes your day, then thank you. You are truly welcomed. <3

I was very productive in plurality stuff, story stuff, streaming, and in spirituality stuff.

I do have to make sure my fiance is okay though.

I did get a bit of a confusing event though.

I feel like I got called out for a lack of communication and honesty, but...I don't know what it could be for. I can't think of a single thing I've been dishonest about. As far as I know, I've been living a life of full honesty. I can't figure out what I'd be dishonest about. And as far as I know, the only communication I haven't done is with those who have set the boundaries of not wanting me to.

So...what am I missing?

I know I must be missing something, but what could it be?

I'm honestly a bit worried this could be the test, and that I am failing it, because, like...

...I don't understand.

I have learned to understand a lot. I have learned to see a lot of the various perspectives of others. I have nothing but love. I have nothing but compassion. I have nothing but good wishes. I have nothing but honesty. So why does it feel like I am being told I wasn't? Where haven't I been? I can't figure it out.

So like...if this is the test of understanding, I must have failed. I know what I have done and I know I have lived honestly and true to myself. I can certainly stand up for myself by defending that. I can certainly communicate with those who want me to. But I don't know what I'm meant to do rn.

I felt like I was fairly attuned, but now I'm feeling doubts. I'm drawing blanks. 

I don't want to ignore the callout, but at the same time...I don't really know what I can do. All I can think of is to keep focusing on what I have. I have a lot of good in my life. I have wonderful friends who see the beauty in me. I have many who enjoy my presence and want me in their life. I have an amazing fiance. I have a good stream schedule going. I'm making progress on my projects. I'm about to embark on more. I'm an acceptable artist. I'm getting better at balancing my life.

I have a strong love for everyone. I have a strong drive to heal others, and to teach others, and to create, and that holy trinity is my strengths as a person. I am growing spiritually.

There are things which I don't have which I want. Namely my desire to help those I can't, to support those I can't, to celebrate those I can't, to hug those I can't, to provide the good vibes to those I can't. But I have no control over those, and never will. By following boundaries, by following limitations, I can do nothing. I would love to, and on my end I can stand up for my virtues while listening with love and support. But that's all I can.

And since I can't get those things I want, I should focus on what I can.

I want to live the most fulfilled life I can. I want to live the most rich life I can. I want to live the most productive life I can. I want to live the most elevated life of servitude and goodness. That of the healer, teacher, and artist.

So, without an answer for the things I want but can't get, I'll focus on what I can get.

Maybe that's the test, to see if I have learned to let go of what I can't get and to hold onto what I can.

We'll have to see. I'm trying my best. That's all I can really do.

...but that's okay.

I got a callout from my tarot reading, and also a very extensive reading from a different practitioner. From the looks of things, some time in the relatively close future, basically "the test you went through? You're going to be given it again to see what you've learned".

I can't imagine the test ever being something purely good. Something bad is going to happen, to someone I care about, which could include being me. But, if I have learned the right lessons, then I should be able to overcome the challenge with compassion, love, and empathy. It's something which is scary. I'm always going to want the best for everyone in my life, so I always want good to happen--

If all went well, if good were happening to them, then I wouldn't need to be giving them the help, basically, and who would ever want the people they love to go through a trying time requiring help? Nobody wants that. But, since life lifes, and everyone has their difficulties, all I can really hope for is that I can be there for them, I have learned what I need to, and I can help them.

I'm probably rambling, but basically, as worried as I am about my abilities to help heal and teach, I'm not going to back down from any situation which arises. I'm going to help, I'm going to heal, I'm going to spread my joy and positivity, and I'm going to give my love, regardless of the situation.

I'm in a space where I'm gaining confidence in myself, and gaining confidence in my path, and in my support system.

I hope I can give that back by continuing to do everything I am doing.

...on the actual day, today, what I was originally going to was Not The Vibe.

All of today, I was reflecting, and for the last few days I've been considering if I actually should do the blog that I was going to, and ultimately, I felt no matter how bad or good the blog I was going for was, ultimately it just wasn't the vibe.

​I kinda also forget what I was gonna replace it with, which sucks, because I was gonna write about something amazingly good. Something very positive. Something very good. If I could remember what I was thinking of blogging about twelve hours today, today would have a spectacular blog. But whatever good vibes I had in mind, I've unfortunately forgotten them.

But while I may have forgotten what I was gonna write that was good vibes today, that I don't want the bad vibes from my original planned blog remains. My plan was a long blog about all of the bad to have come from one innocent event which began today last year, on March 21st 2023. A long list of all the pain and grief and tragedy to come from something so innocent in intention that went horribly horribly wrong and has lifelong consequences. And then I would go into the silver linings, how some good came which never would have otherwise.

...but, for whatever reason, that failed my vibe check.

I still want to briefly mention what happened one year ago. It's been littered throughout my blog posts ever since I resumed blogging in December 2023 and had some hints in post-July-23rd July + August + September, but I've not talked about it in full. Today I was kinda sorta intending to; it doesn't pass the vibe check for a blog today, despite today being the one-year anniversary of the beginning of the event.

Basically, last year in February, I was invited to a friend's server, of about a dozen members. We were almost entirely all prominent major names in one streamer's community. The server owner, Two VIPs, a mod, and other instantly recognizable names. The artist for this friend server, one of said VIPs, had a rant about something in said streamer's community, and the server owner created a temporary discord subthread for the venting, which didn't stay temporary. That rant happened on March 21st, 2023, exactly one year ago (well, 21st or 23rd, I have the date saved but don't have which of them 100%, pretty sure it was the 21st tho), and set into motion a disastrous chain of events that would cause lifelong damage to far more than the nine or so involved. 

I was going to talk in great length about all of the bad which happened, how it came to be, and all of that, laying out how good intentions from good people (not a single one among us being bad) led to a bad outcome with repercussions still playing out to this day--mostly bad, but ending on the few silver linings, bittersweet as they may be.

Since it failed my vibe check, this will be the extent of my mentioning it. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, and to any it would do good to explain it to I absolutely will, but by and large, my vibes shouldn't be focused on the past. My vibes should be focused on the present, and the future.

So instead, let me say what I'm actually going to be talking about, for the rest of the blog post.

​I want to talk about what I have gained and what I have learned. It may have spawned from tragedy, it may have spawned from bad, but how I got it in the past doesn't matter. That I have it, does, and how I intend to use it, that's what's important. That's the vibe. I can't change the past, so dwelling on it does nobody any good. What I can do is change the future by my actions in the present, and that's what I'm thinking of doing now.

I'm going to go forward with my plan to make shortform content, namely videos. I'm going to be regularly uploading them, potentially daily (although that will require recording at least 4 per day I record them on), with me recording them on my main two nonstream days, Tuesday and Thursday (ideally, quickly, as to not interfere with any streams from my fiance).

I want to make at least six per week, ideally 8 - 12.

I want these videos to mostly be about the things I have learned, life lessons, and to share my outlook and words of affirmation.

I wrote my intention this year to be a Breeacon of joy and positivity. I wrote my intention to spread the good vibes to all. And I want to make good on that promise, in a big way.

I have already been succeeding in those goals, in the spaces I live in. I affirm others. I see their beauty. I see how amazing they are. I look at their talents, their passions, their interests, their hobbies, their pastimes, with glee and awe. I congratulate them, I tell them they are awesome, I see just how wonderful they are. I give them as much validation as I can, although they will always deserve more than I as just one individual ever could.

I provide daily or near-daily affirmations. I speak from the soul, providing positivity coming from my heart. I share my love of them, and give them words to help get them through the day. I help them, even if just a little, by giving them boosts, extra strength that helps them get through trying times.

I provide my perspective. I teach them my lessons. I have been on all four sides of most issues. I've been the one who has wronged people. I have been the person who thought others had wronged me. I've been on the outside watching someone who has been wronged. I've been on the outside watching someone suffer the pain of knowing they have wronged others.

I used to be nothing but a student in most areas of life. Learning.

But now I am both a teacher and a healer.

So I am going to make videos where I focus on those two things.

I want to spread my messages on a grander scale.

I can't guarantee this will happen. I have to be careful not to take on too much. And the people in my life take priority over spreading my message to people who aren't in my life. I don't want to neglect existing friends in favor of potentially helping someone in the future that I currently don't know.

So I have to make sure this is only being done in the small windows of time where I have nothing I otherwise would be missing out on. Which is why it may not manifest as what I am hoping it to. I want to try though, ideally in sub-60-second messages. Loosely, what I want to do is modeled more after the more positive side of places like Instagram and tiktok, the likes of Quincy's Tavern, Hank Green and the vlog brothers, the positive messages of some content creators, but to be the genuine words from my experiences.

​I know I won't do it perfectly. I know I may give some lessons wrong, with my lack of knowledge causing me to accidentally spread imperfect information. I'll need to find a way to be clear about that being possible. A disclaimer of some kind of, "I am still learning, and the information I give may be flawed. Please continue pursuing learning on your own", or something of the likes. But I want to do it.

Videos on plurality.
Videos on witchy stuff.
Videos on LGBTQIA+ stuff.
Videos telling silly jokes.
Videos where I give affirmations.

All based on what I have learned, and my experiences, and my outlook.

​I want to share my view on the world with others, in a way where they can see it, and bring into their own life whatever they see as worth bringing in from mine. They don't need to take everything of mine as gospel--as long as a single thing I have said resonates and helps them on their journey, then what I did was worth doing. So I want to do it.

​There is a lot of good in this world. And I have a lot of good in this world. I have two amazing friends who are pursuing each other, seeing them flirt is really really cute and fills me and my fiance with giddy because we see a lot of our own journey in them. They are the second and third most important people in my life right now (I don't think I blogged about my revelation that these two friends are the second and third most important people in my life, but they are; we hang out every week, watch things together, trade jokes and comments, support each other, and I want them around more than anyone else bar my fiance), and they are amazingly cute and give me much joy and happiness to watch their love.

​I have many other close friends, too. 2024 is truly our year. They are all crushing it at life. They are growing, and sharing their growth. I enjoy watching their journey and celebrating them. I laugh at their humor, I vibe with their presence, I love their lives, and I am thoroughly fulfilled in life by just being surrounded by those I love and who love me back.

I uplift others, and they in turn give me the strength to keep going by sharing all the good in their lives. I support them in their low times. I give all of my love to all of them, and I see just how beautiful and amazing and incredible they all are.

There are those who don't want me to do that for them anymore. And as saddening as it is for me, as much as I would love to celebrate their achievements, as much as I would love to support them through their harder times, as much as I want to give them that joy and positivity, I have to respect that they don't want it from me. I can silently wish them well on their journey, send positive thoughts and prayers their way, put the energy into the world where I wish they succeed and find/hold onto happiness and good vibes, where I love them from afar, but because I still love them and always will, their wishes are all that matter. Their desires, their drives, their lives, their perspectives, their feelings, are valid and matter, and they wish for me to be uninvolved in their process.

I will respect the conditions I am given, but I will never impose conditions of my own. That I can promise. I am still learning how to approach from a place of love, not a place of trying to fix things. But I can promise to not let my shadow take control. I can promise to recognize the source of my pain and negativity. I promise to wish them well regardless of whether I am involved or not. My presence isn't needed, isn't required, for them to find success, and I should be all the more proud of them for succeeding without me. I can promise to have that mindset, to have their good be enough without anything from me, and to treat any presence of mine which they choose to let me have as the gift and blessing it is, from them to me, with me being the one who receives more from it.

I know I have received so many readings telling me that I am on the right path. I am headed in the right direction. I need to keep doing what I am doing. So I can keep doing that. I can keep learning. I can keep improving. I can keep creating. I can keep streaming. I can keep making the lives of everyone who chooses to let me be a part of their life, all the better for it. I see them for the beautiful souls they are.

I see the good in all these lovely people. I see all of the positives in these people. I love them all, I love all the good things from them. Their lovely personalities, their life experiences, their outlooks, their endeavors, their passions, their jokes, their supportiveness, their chattiness, their aesthetic, everything. People are beautiful. They are wonderful. They have such storied lives, and I am so privileged to be a part of all the lives I have been.

I remember so much about them all and I would never trade it for anything.

I want people to know there is more good in this world than bad. I want people to see the good in themselves, the same way they do to others. I want people to see their merits, and be encouraged to pursue their passions, to fulfill their dreams. I love hearing about what they want to do and I want to help them do it. I want to be that friend who is always supportive and loving, while also spreading that to the whole world, beyond just my friends.

A lot of people could use little affirmations. And a lot of people could use someone to help give them knowledge they otherwise wouldn't have had. And a lot of people need some daily laughs. So I should continue to give these things to others. My friends as my first priority, but to the world as I can.

I have a lot of love to give.
I have a lot of hope to spread.
This is a year of healing and recovery and growth and becoming who we were meant to be.

It's about time I got started.

Today is the seven-month anniversary of me dating my fiance. And yet, today, I am opening up the day by writing what, if I actually cover everything, will be a really lengthy blog. But, it's a blog I've been wanting to write to air out some thoughts for the last three, four days or so.

The heart of the selfishness I want to cover is basically this.

I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want forgiveness for what I have done. I don't want people to forget my mistakes, either. Nor do I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if these things were possible, selfishly, I want something more, something far bigger than that, and perhaps more impossible, but that's why this is a selfish desire.

Who I am now is not defined by the mistakes I made in the past.

I want to be seen as I am now, not as who I was when I made the mistakes I did.

I want to be seen as good enough as I am, rather than seen as someone who has a lot to make up for.

As selfish as it is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to atone for my past mistakes. I want to be seen as doing the good I do, just because that's who I am, that's the natural thing to do. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my actions being penance. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my good deeds being making up for past misdeeds. As selfish as it is,

I want the good I do to be seen just as the good I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I want to be seen as I am, not perceived through the filter of mistakes I've since learned from.

People change. People learn. And people are complex. Me moreso than most. And I'm sure I'll continue to make more mistakes--particularly since I only have my own feedback to tell if I am making a mistake. I have to keep guessing to try and avoid mistakes, and I probably guess wrong. But I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I made. It doesn't matter if those mistakes are ten years old, eight months old, or even last week. I am not who I was when I made those mistakes. I am better.

To be sure, if there's a continuous mistake I keep making over and over--and I bet there's plenty of those--yeah, I'm not going to be better than I was when making it, because I keep making it every day. But in that case, I need someone to point out the mistake I am continuously making, and once I can identify it as a mistake, I can immediately start working on bettering it until I am not making that mistake, or at least not making it as often.

I improve every day, and selfishly, I want this to be enough. I want to have my growth be acknowledged. I want that change to be recognized, as selfish as it may be to say, to insist upon.

Selfishly, I want people to not assume the worst of me. I want people to see the good I do, and to see it as good done without any bias, without any thoughts of how it must be a mask, it must be penance, it must be for an agenda, or whatever. I want people to see the good I do and see it as me having done good, not out of malice, not out of selfishness (ironic, given how selfish this is), but just because that's who I am, the good I do is my natural state.

Selfishly, I want people to not think I am selfish.

Selfishly, I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments, including the natural good I do just by existing in the places I do.

And there is a lot of good!

In the spaces I choose to inhabit, the natural inclination for the vast majority of people is positive perspective of me, and good vibes to be had. They enjoy hanging out with me. They like to be around me. They enjoy time spent together. I am naturally liked, even when I have thought I had no reason to be.

Without trying, without effort on my part, just by me being me, people in the spaces I frequent are overall very fond of me.

Negative outlooks of me are, by and large, a learned behavior. People got taught to have their positive views overridden by the negative ones. They got taught to drop their positive perspective. They got taught to have their good vibes killed. They got taught to think of me as bringing toxicity or whatever bad things they now think of me. They got taught to avoid me. They got taught to regret spending as much time around me as they did, they got taught to have their hopes crushed because a person encouraging said hopes was terrible in a way they were educated on. That hate (and it is selfish for me to call it hate) is something they were given, not something they found naturally on their own.

And it was nearly nonexistent before December 5th, 2023. And entirely nonexistent before August 2023. It's a learned behavior, learned from others, because the natural inclination, the natural instinct, is to vibe with me. People naturally vibe with me because it's natural for us to vibe together, to click together.

People's instincts about a person are normally correct, and their instincts about me overwhelmingly were positive. I formed years-long friendships with people who have very good instincts, who have a great intuition, who instantly connected with me. They intuitively felt the good from me and connected with the good in me. Even at a time when I myself thought myself to be not great, they saw the great in me without even trying, because that is who I am.

Overwhelmingly, people's instincts towards me are positive. They only see otherwise when taught it by another. And they have great resistance to the idea I am terrible, they have great resistance to negative thoughts about me, because their instincts were that I am a good person.

And selfishly, I want them to acknowledge this. As selfish as it is, I want it to be acknowledged that even years ago when I thought myself trash, others on a deep fundamental level recognized me as a beautiful soul before even I could. 

So, selfishly, now that I am finally beginning to realize how beautiful my soul is, I want them to admit they saw it in me then, and that it's still there on some level now. That the good within me didn't disappear because of the bad within me, that the good within me isn't being corrupted by me finally being able to see it.

I want it to be okay for me to know that I am great.

I want it to be okay for me to be good, even when thinking I am good.

Selfishly, I want it to be alright that I am aware I am a good person who does good.

People saw the good on me on a deep fundamental instinctual level back in a time period where I thought I was a piece of trash. I want that to be them seeing the truth before I could, rather than them having been mistaken and me only now believing their mistaken impression.

As selfish as it is, I want my good qualities to be acknowledged, and seen as what they are:
Good qualities from a good person whose natural goodness is a gift she offers freely to the world, perhaps too freely.

Selfishly, I want it to be okay for me to say this and for others to know it is true:

I am quite the catch.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. I would do literally anything for any who I call a friend, and I call most people friend so there is almost anything I will do for them. I have limits in what I can do, but I will go to those limits and help them in any way I can.

I am ridiculously enthusiastic. I see the achievements of others, and they fill me with joy, I am passionate in expressing my great love for what they have done.

I am passionate. I am good at inspiring others.

I am invested in those I spend time around. I learn their names, their pronouns, their approximate age, their birthday, their approximate location, what they are learning, what they are passionate about, who they are friends with, their relationships, how their family life is, life events, etc. I remember stuff about them. I know what they are most nerdy about, I know what they are dreaming to do, I see their talents and skills and remember what they are.

I remember a lot about my friends, despite me having literally hundreds of them. I often doubt my capacity to remember so much about so many people, but time and time again I prove that I remember more than people expected me to. I remember things they often forgot they ever told me.

I am good at making people laugh. My opinion of my jokes has always been low, since I'm naturally inclined to describe them as "stupid jokes", but I've been realizing I need to redefine my perspective and call them silly jokes because those who receive them don't think they're stupid. My fiance fell in love with me because of these ""stupid"" jokes, so clearly there is some merit behind my silliness.

I am good at entertaining others. I give them something which makes their day better.

I am good at engaging people. People who otherwise wouldn't have been active, see me talking to them, see me engaging them, see me giving them talking material, and they get into it with me, in a way which draws them in and makes it so they are more inclined to hang around. I draw people in and get them invested.

I am good at providing support. I often doubt my ability to give meaningful advice, yet to those who have received my advice, it has made a world of difference and done them a world of good. They got told exactly what they needed to hear, in order to gain the strength to go on and do things they otherwise wouldn't have done.

I am there for people who need me. I'm not often called upon, but whenever someone reaches out to me, I am there, and I know when I need to be the one reaching out to them. I will drop everything to attend to a friend's needs.

I give great love and support.

I cheer on the accomplishments of others. I am ridiculously proud of them and encourage them to keep going, they just did something they should be proud of and their amazing accomplishment is something to be seen as the wondrous thing it is.

I celebrate all of the good in life. I will be there for others to celebrate their good, and I will be there to help them see the good in a situation where they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

I help get through the bad periods in life. All of the bad people deal with, I help them deal with, cope with, move on from, live through, get through, and see the brighter side of, to see through the dark times and to shine that brilliant light.

I am a Breeacon of joy and positivity.

I have so many lived experiences, I can weigh in on nearly any experience, but I also have a fairly good sense of when it's unwanted, and can stay back and just give that love.

I have an amazing capacity for love.

I have nothing but love to give to the world.

I see the beauty in so many who otherwise wouldn't see it.

I see so much good in so many things.

I see the world for the beautiful, wonderful place it is, and all the beautiful amazing people within, who I love to uplift.

I love everyone so much. And while I am human, while I am limited in my capacity to provide love to a finite amount, and as a consequence some receive more love than others, that does not diminish that I have the love for all, I just have the limitation of not being able to express it to everyone to the capacity they so truly deserve from me.

​I stretch those capacities to the limits, finding ways to love those who I by all rights shouldn't have the time/energy to love, and yet I pull it off at least adequately.

​Every day, I have people who appreciate my humor. Often numbering in the dozens, if not hundreds. People find me funny. Selfishly, I want that to be acknowledged.

Every day, people thank me for the support I give them. Often numbering in the dozens. People appreciate me. People think I make their lives be better. Selfishly, I want that to be seen and accepted as true.

Every day, I have people who thank me for weighing in with my advice, my perspective, my support. An average of three to twelve people per day go through a trying experience, see my input, and come out of that feeling better, feeling more direction, feeling like they have more positive outlooks on their future than what they had before.

Every day, the love I give others makes a difference in their life.

I am a healer.

Time and time again, I have been told I heal people.

I get better and better with time at healing others.

The more experiences I go through, the more I help others, the better I get at helping others.

Selfishly, I want that to be seen as true, and known as a quality I should be known for.

I do have to give the obvious caveat. I suck at healing those who I have hurt, and the number of people I have hurt is plenty. A lot of the people who I hurt got badly hurt, in part because of how much I helped them before, in part because I was a healer for them. Having their positive outlook on me shattered hurt deeply and made bad wounds which only got worse by every time I botched the healing process.

But selfishly, I want my growth in recognizing these limitations recognized.

Selfishly, I want the betterment of my approach to be recognized--that I am working on it, that I am improving, that I am working to be better at not making things worse.

In a very direct, very blunt, very thorough reading I got done, I got the clearest possible reading that was as unambiguous as it could be in telling me what to do:

I need to come from a place of love, not from a place of trying to fix things.

I have not mastered this skill. The best I can really think of is to focus on listening to them. To go, basically, "okay. <3", where I listen and show I am listening. Where I am not saying too much, where I am not trying to fix things, but where I show I am listening, that I have learned, and I am here to hear them. I shouldn't explain unless explicitly asked to give my perspective, and I shouldn't say nothing at all. In the past I made the mistake of not conveying that I am hearing them, and in the past I made the mistake of trying to fix things by explaining to them. I need to do neither, and convey just that I am listening, I am absorbing, I am there, I am taking it all in.

And I know. That's probably not the best way to "come from a place of love". It is still a skill I am learning. I know I need to come from a place of love and a lot of my focus has been on getting better and better at coming from that place of love.

Selfishly, I want people to acknowledge I have made that growth, I am putting in that effort, I have gotten better and better at empathizing, I am better at seeing the perspective of others, I am validating them, I am acknowledging them, I am respecting them, and I am working on helping the healing process.

Selfishly, I want to be seen as having made a great deal of growth in being a healer and healing even those that I have hurt.

I am listening.

I am giving love.

I hear them.

I have nothing but love for them. And selfishly, I want them to see that, too. That I do have that overwhelming love for them. Perhaps too much, and that's fair. It's fair if my love is too much, if it's overwhelming. I learned that lesson years ago actually, and since then have tapered off on being smothering with love, to a level far more appropriate. Selfishly, I want them to see that I love them, in a pure way, that I give to them freely as much as their boundaries allow me to.

And, selfishly, I want it to be acknowledged I do respect those boundaries, to the best of my knowledge, to the best of my ability. I clearly have crossed some, no matter how accidentally, no matter how unintentionally, but I corrected the behavior, I learned from it, and got better and better at following it.

Selfishly, I want that I have grown and am still be growing to be seen and acknowledged.

​It's also very hard for me to write this blog, even labeling it as selfish, because of my natural fears and inclinations.

I am terrified that the good I have done will be destroyed by acknowledging it is good I have done.

I am always worried that by admitting I have done good, the good I have done will be corrupted, tainted by a "clearly, I did this for an ulterior motive", that by having seen it as good it will stop having been good.

Selfishly, I want to take that risk.

It's very hard for me to say all these good things about myself.

I always worry about being a braggart.

I am terrified I will cave to narcissistic behavior from having acknowledged all these positives.

I am always worried about somehow deluding myself into somehow thinking I am better than I actually am.

After all, how could I be good when I know all the harm I've caused and am here, just writing about all of these alleged positivities? How can I talk myself into thinking I do good despite knowing all the harm I cause? It's difficult to put this out, because it always feels like I am making it all up, that I am twisting reality and ignoring things how they are.

...And yet...

...the true twist of reality is that mindset.

Every reading I have gotten has told me the exact same thing.

​Every time, I keep being told, I need to do self-love.

Every reading, I am getting told to acknowledge I have a lot of good traits.

Every time, I am being told not to bad-mouth myself.

Every reading, I am being told to reframe things and see the good in me.

Every time, I am told, I need to acknowledge, I am good, I deserve good, and that I do good.

I keep being told over and over again, to be proud. Be proud of myself, be proud of what I have done, be proud of what I do.

That I have skills, I have talents, I have merits, things that I am good at doing without even realizing I am doing it and doing it well.

Every time, I get a reading telling me to hold my head high, and accept my accomplishments.

To accept all the good, and how much I have grown. I have grown so much. I am doing great.

I get told to keep going with what I am doing, to keep growing as I have been.

I struggle to accept these things, because my anxieties and my imposter syndrome keep telling me I am delusional to think I am great, that I am living a life worth living.

I focus on the negatives, I focus on the bad, I focus on the flaws, on everything which has gone wrong, on all the pain, and I see it, amplify it, and make it worse, because that's all I can see in myself, I see myself as the darkness I fear within me. My depression makes me see all of the bad and think maybe those who see me negatively are in the right and that the world would be better without me.

...And yet...the true delusion is those anxieties.

My imposter syndrome clouds my ability to see what I should be acknowledging.

So as selfish as it is...please. Let me acknowledge it.

I am growing.
I am learning.
I impart my wisdom onto others.

I have grown from being nothing but a student, into the role where I am equal parts both.

Or even to the point where I am more teacher than student.

People come to me seeking advice on plurality, despite my mental perception of me not being an expert.

People come to me about LGBTQIA+ matters, despite my mental perception of having much to learn.

People come to me to help overcome loss, to overcome grief, to overcome negativity, despite my hurdles with overcoming them.

I am seen as a leader, as an important member of the community, as a teacher, as a healer, who can help them.

​So let me be selfish, by embracing that I am those roles, and that my life is a beautiful one with much to offer.