Aside from how I have work tomorrow and need to get up at 6 am (so there's pragmatic reasons for it as well), I simply am feeling really really tired. I can't drink coffee, I can't nap without screwing up my sleep, and words are having that blend-together effect, soooooooo.

I'll need to hold on for an hour yet.

Wait, me making an entry before midnight?

Why yes. Yes, I am indeed making an entry before midnight, to help facilitate the process of going to bed at midnight. Usually when I say "bed at midnight", by the time I run all my errands (blogging, pills, and petting the kitteh), it's usually 10-30 minutes past midnight.

Soyeah, earlier blog today.

Today was obviously mother's day and doubled as our birthday celebration for my younger sister. There were plenty of good times to be had (ha I typo'd that as 'bed' nice subconscious telling me what I already know I want), and we watched Spaceballs.

I always wish that I had a way of sharing the events of a typical family night with those that I'd want to share them with, especially on days where the family doesn't end up discussing stuff like politics. (Which is usually done really late at night when my older sister and I are both out of the conversation and usually when my younger sister isn't in attendance, i.e., mostly done between my brother and my dad.) Especially the full family nights with all six members rather than partial ones with four or five of them.

They are just...special family moments, hilarious, fun, unique, irreplaceable. It's something that if you have it in your life, you just know it, you just get what I am referring to, but if it's something you haven't had, it's literally impossible to get, to experience, to understand it even if given vivid descriptions.

Families have in-jokes and those in-jokes aren't understood by outsiders, but even without in-jokes involved, even on a night to night basis, you just have to be there to appreciate it all, and even when I sleep, even when I park myself on the computer (a place where I am usually seen--not entirely unjustifiably so--as "out of it"), I legitimately do.

Also it helps that tonight during family night I felt particularly sexy. In a feminine way. I don't know why, I'm pretty sure I looked anything but, but I felt that way and feeling that way while with family is a rarity to be treasured, given how it normally doesn't--can't--exist.

Speaking of femininity, I felt fairly feminine today at work, too. It's kinda weird. When I first started wearing my underarmor shirt and pants, I felt incredibly feminine when doing so. However, today was the first time I was without, and I felt more feminine without than I was with, in spite of me being quite positive that I got a boost to my femininity when I initially started wearing the look.

Similarly, I am quite positive that when I initially started wearing my V-neck + sweatshirt combo at work for warmth, I felt more feminine...but when I stopped using that look, when I went back to the t-shirt, there was that very same boost in femininity.

It's weird. Rationally, logically, it's probably that the change from the norm feels different and that difference feels empowering, feels feminine to me. But I personally like to hold the theory--however implausible it may be--that each and every time is a permanent increase in femininity. That I was feminine when I began, and slightly more feminine when I wore the sweatshirt, then became more feminine when I removed the sweatshirt, and became more feminine when I started wearing the underarmor, and became even more feminine today when removing it and going back to just the t-shirt as I was before.

It's a nice thought to be having, anyway.

Apparently, when I'm tired like this, my mind wanders more easily. While that isn't very productive for making a coherent blog and leaves each subject in less detail than I intended, I believe a fortunate side-effect of it is an overall longer blog from multiple thoughts I'd otherwise have not blogged about; I thought this blog would be a paragraph or two and just look at what it is now.

Butyeah. That's my blog for today. Will probably also have my pills a bit early, so I can instantly plop down to sleep the second midnight rolls around.

Treading on four days now.

I guess I could mention other stuff?

Like how I recently finished Worm.

You might think that was a steady pace from when I began.

It wasn't.

I got to the Simurgh/Doctor Mother/etc. interlude in like 1-2 months after starting reading Worm...
...And then didn't read anything for the remaining 1-2 months, until like 2-3 days, where I powered through it in the course of less than 48 hours.

The gap was because I was too busy doing other things, the civ mod among them, and the few times I was in the mood to read rather than do other things (mafia, watch videos, play video games, etc.), I didn't have the time.

Admittedly.
I still didn't have the time to do it a couple days ago, but in spite of that the mood was there and I had the illusion I had the time to do it a couple days ago.

So I did it in spite of really not having the time to do it.
Meaning I'm behind on everything else.

OH WELL.

Was most definitively worth it.
Have now begun minor TVTropes browsing.
Nothing too addicting, though overnight I did an entire archive binge of a webcomic, Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki. (There's lots of aspects of the comic that are kinda cringe and I'm not too fond of a lot of it, but there are some elements in the comic that I am actually really invested in. Not the fanservice, believe it or not, that's one of the annoying things because occasional fanservice that feels like it has a plot purpose is excellent to me but constant overt fanservice which feels like it's fanservice for the sake of fanservice is just kinda annoying, and while the comic has elements of the former the latter is definitively more prominent. The elements I'm more interested in are more the world, the lineage of Yuuki, the characters, etc. Those're solid enough to make it worth at least a skimread.)

And I do mean "overnight", because my night went as so:
Family night.
Then midway through the moment I could, playing League of Legends with my girlfriend.
Then browsing TVTropes on Worm because I finished Worm not today but on a prior day (Thursday? Probably, was up late enough that it's certainly something I had time for).
Then as a result of that browsing, finding a trope--ability absorbsion--linking to the comic, and having previously attempted a binge but failed because of some stupid reason wanted to try again. (Said original binge was in fact inspired by the very pages I was linked to in fact.)

So with it being past 6:30.

In spite of me not really being that tired.

I know that I need​ to go to bed now.

The hunt proceeded about the way I'd expect it to--every year, we say we need to make it easier (especially on me and my brother). Every year, in spite of insisting that has been done, it proves to not be the case. This year, my older sister swore she made it easy, yet almost every single hiding spot was of a difficulty rating I'd associate with being a hiding spot for my younger sister--the one who she's allowed to be mean to with hiding.

At least three of my eggs were duck taped to surfaces.
At least twice, I ran into the problem of having correctly identified where the egg was, searched for it, and not having found it, and thus making the obvious conclusion; I searched it, it wasn't there, so it wasn't hidden there--except it was.

Suffice to say.
Once. again.

I finished last.

I didn't find a single egg on my own.

Not. one.

Not a single egg, I could locate without a hint.

Normally?

Normally, people can find 2-4 eggs on their own.

Not. one. Could I find without basically being told the answer.
Because the answers were absolute bs hiding spots--hard enough that my younger sister would have trouble with a fair number of them.

My younger sister, the one who my older sister will pull evil stunts like hiding an egg inside of the refrigerator light (okay so that was my younger sister hiding my older sister's egg, butstill), who hid an egg inside of an empty orange juice container, who's hidden eggs inside of salt shakers, from light fixtures, inside the garbage can (with protection), the list goes on and on.

Evil spots like that.

She gave to me.

Suffice to say.

I was not amused.

I have specifically told her.
Time and time again.
Easier.
Easier.
Make it easier.

So I don't always finish dead last.

Yet each year.

Instead of easier.

It's getting harder.

In spite of her saying she made it easier.

She's not telling a deliberate lie, but she's absolutely lying to herself if she thinks that the spots she gave me this year were in any way easy.

The easiest thing to find was my basket, and that's mostly because baskets come in only two hiding varieties: nigh-impossible, or ridiculously easy; last year (or was it two years ago?), she learned that the nigh-impossible way simply wasn't something I'd handle well.

Yes, I am incredibly bitter, why do you ask?
It's not the dead last bit, honestly. It's that there's the sheer level of dissonance between what she said and what she gave me. She said it was easier; what she gave me was something which, egg after egg. I kept saying. "This isn't an egg for my difficulty level!" It was hard enough last year, but this year was ten times harder. 

If you keep on.
Time and time again.
Finishing last.
And time and time again.
You say.
"It needs to be easier."
And you are told.
It is.
Only to find it harder.

You'd be pretty miffed, too!

That I have, so consistently, finished last is a testament to how unskilled I am--yet she consistently is treating me like I should be getting better, rather than worse, and I am getting exactly that. This egg hunt, I wasn't functioning brain-wise for the first half of it. That wasn't what made it hard, though. I knew that even functioning at 100%, I'd never have found those eggs on my own, because they are simply not eggs that are my level; they are things way too hard for me to find in the best of conditions.

Me NOT in the best of conditions, though, made the impossible task just...laughable. Like. Pathetic. I am just entirely frustrated by the whole thing, because the hunt is meant to be equal parts fun and challenging--yet with each. and every. single. passing. failure. There's no fun. There's no thrill. There's no reward.

There's no exhilaration in being hand-fed the answers--which was what every single egg was.
There's no exhilaration from finishing last every single year.
There's no reward in. consistently. failing. Because in spite of saying it needs to be easier. It never actually getting easier.

My younger sister, hiding for my brother? She knows how to succeed at making it easier. My brother found some eggs on his own, without help, and none of the eggs he had were at sister-level difficulty. I saw all of them and went, "yep. For us two, that's an appropriate level difficulty for an egg".

She nailed it.

She did what needed to be done for him.

My sisters hiding each others' eggs are deliberately as evil as humanly possible--that's fine for them, because knowing each other as they do, they can usually find most of their eggs without hints because they simply are that good.

But when my sister hides my eggs at that difficulty level.
Instead of the difficulty level appropriate for me.
Instead of the difficulty level which my brother's eggs were at.

It's not fun.
It's a joke.
A bad one.

It's just...

...How could she just.
Be that blind.
To what I am actually able to do?

I literally can't do it at that level.
How could she think what she gave me was at the level my brother's eggs were at.
When the level my brother's eggs were at--the level which my eggs should have been at--was leagues easier than what I actually got?

It turns what should be a fun even into just a pile of pure frustration.
Losing when I feel I legitimately deserved to lose is one thing. If my eggs were hidden in places akin to the places my brother's eggs were hidden, I'd deserve to have lost and there'd be no bitter feelings. Disappointment, sure, yeah, but not bitterness because I'd know that I lost because of stupidity.

Losing because I could never have ever possibly won?
Because the difficulty level was not something appropriate for me?

It's just...why. It's not like I didn't stress it enough. Easier; I said to make it easier. I emphasized that I had lost last time, I emphasized that it took me longest to find mine last time, I said that I needed it to be particularly easy in comparison. Quite explicitly. Clear as could be. E a s i e r.

...Instead? I got eggs that were hidden in fairly creative spots, most never-before-used, never-before-checked; the times they had been used/checked, it wasn't meant for me and I wasn't acutely aware of most of them. And the two eggs which I believe were repeats of mine in previous years? As mentioned, I searched the spots, and when I didn't find an egg after searching them wrote them off because of course when you search thoroughly a spot and find nothing you're going to assume the spot wasn't used.

It's one thing to just casually search through an area and not find it--we miss eggs doing that all the time, par for the course. It's another thing to literally be running your fingers through where the egg is and not feel it and not see it and with the texture feeling like there's no egg there and the visualization feeling like there's no egg there, concluding that there is no egg there...except there was.

I am just...not impressed. There's a difference between making it challenging, and making it impossible-without-handholding-help. Challenging for me is still simple stuff. Challenging for me is still cliched stuff which has been done before. In casual searches I am prone to missing things. It doesn't take much to fool me, but I can usually realize, "oh I didn't look here well", go back, and if there's an egg there, find it. Because I knew I hadn't searched it as well as I should, and going back, give it the proper attention it needs to find it.

Simple stuff--but still enough to give it a hunt.

When I miss an egg because I did look there well, when I did look thoroughly, or when I miss an egg because I've just given up on it on the sheer inability of me to have so much as a clue as to where it could possibly be because there's just nowhere left I could so much as fathom.

That's not difficult.
That's not challenging.

That's just sheer cruelty. And as I said--my sisters can be evil to each other as much as they want to be, but they're not supposed to be that way to the other two, me and my brother, when hiding ours.

...Yet that is exactly what I got put through.

After having had a thoroughly miserable time last year, for much the same reason.
And maybe the year before that, too.

She's not learning the lesson, and the only lesson I'm learning is that I'm a worthless piece of junk.

This is just.

The polar opposite of what our egg hunt is supposed to instill.

It's supposed to be entertainment.
It's supposed to be uplifting.
But every year.
I am just...increasingly more and more dejected.
Because all I am getting.
​Is how trash I am.

I'm sure that I could share stories, but given the effectively party day (including a date with my girlfriend), I'll keep it to the short detail--the largest gift I got was a laptop with some pretty impressive specs that I don't remember most of, something which I have wanted for quite a while.

Now all I need is for the magical headphone combination that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist but would be a godsend if it did.

I don't like how most modern headphones are sized--they're the size of the ears, which means...they don't actually cover the ears, allowing even headphones that are brand new to let sound in, because there's just no way to have the ears be fully covered.

Older "ear muff" style headphones, where there's this big gigantic pad over the ear are ideal.

But I also like noise cancellation; the big gigantic ear muff headphones tend to not have that feature, even though it's a useful one to have.

More than both of that though--I don't want a wireless headphone because that takes installation which is a pain (rather than something you can just plug in to have instantly work) and doesn't tend to have the range desired...but I also want headphones that have a longer cord than what I have. The cord I have now is so ridiculously short that I constantly, constantly, am unplugging them on accident, and when I have need of them my range of movement is limited beyond what it should be.

But the cord if it were too long would get tangled up hopelessly. Another useful feature to have is the adjustable length of the split point. All non-wireless headphones feature a split point, where the single cord splits into two, one for each ear. While ones with adjustable lengths tend to be slightly more fragile, it's still a convenient feature to have for customization.

And obviously, I'd like for the actual headphones themselves to be adjustable, because headphones never fit well on your head. The ones I have now can move to be longer, and also have two pivot points. A feature like that is rather useful, too.

I'd love to have a headphone combining these features, because it would be something that I'd get endless mileage out of, but I honestly don't think something like this exists, so I'm not surprised it's something I don't have yet. Still, would be my current dream gift, now that I have a new laptop.

But anyway, I've got work tomorrow, so it's time for bed now.

It's a little hard to tell for certain, but I THINK I've done most of what the power outage put me behind on. (I know it's not everything, because there's one thing which I've been putting off because it's a bit of a project to undertake.)

That's left me feeling content--and I even got a little bored. Watched the first seven episodes of the original Fate/Stay Night anime adoption (at least I think it's the original? It's the one with this wiki page for the episodes, so I just kinda assumed), since it was on my mind.

My older sister, brother, and I during our "anime night"s at one point watched all of Fate/Zero (although I'm watching the original in subs not dubs) quite a while ago--we're talking, years, plural, ago when Fate/Zero was a pretty new anime at least dubbed--and when that happened, I did a little bit of a wiki walk on immersing myself in random pieces of the lore.

Combined with the vast exposure of multiple (rather spoilerific) tropes about the series, and it was just something that I held interest about watching, even though at least one of said siblings did not. (Thus, why we never watched it as a group.) Of course.

I don't know much about it, believe it or not. I know the Fate/Zero stuff more or less (obv), I also believe I pretty much know about Archer, I might know one of the unrevealed Masters, I definitely know what happens to one of the Servants, I know a little about the Master for Berserker, but in actuality, for someone who is TVTropes-spoilered and binged on knowledge, surprisingly?

I don't know much beyond that. (Well, I certainly know about some non-Master/Servant characters. But I am talking about Servants and Masters specifically, who are the ones I am interested in the most.) I finished Episode 7, so I've only seen 4 of the Masters, said Masters' Servants, plus Lancer. And of them, I actually know absolutely nothing (beyond what's been shown) of Rider/Rider's Master; I don't know the specific in-universe lore behind Berserker; I don't really know Lancer well in spite of him being one of the ones I specifically researched (well, it's more like I researched his weapons without stumbling upon much about him, just a few details), you get the idea.

In other words, in spite of me knowing some rather HUGE plot twists.
I actually am finding that by and large.
I actually know nothing in spite of just how much of the series I was anticipating having been spoiled to me.

But I'm calling it a night there.

(Note, I am rather aware that the anime series are of course based around the...what's the term...visual novel?...but I take it as a given that people understand that, and understand that I understand that.)

I'm probably not going to stay up much longer.

Tomorrow is Christmas, after all.

I'll be pleasantly surprised if half the gifts I get end up being something I make good use for, but then again, I'm probably the second-hardest member of the family to shop for. (The hardest of course being my brother.)

Sure enough, not enough time for me to do what I want to do!
I had a double ramble planned with two topics, one revolving around Bard in Phyrra and Cyrus and the other covering a dream I had last night which I extrapolated into a fairly interesting anime story idea. (The dream was that I was watching said anime show with my siblings, and then later watching it by myself on my TV...in spite of not having had cable TV for at least a year or two if not more.)

Alas.

I need to go to bed, because I've got work tomorrow.

​Tomorrow will also be a "so many things, so little time" day for the record. I'm anticipating about half a dozen obligations by my estimate. I'll count it as a win if I get half of those done; I'll double my win points if one of said things is girlfriend time. <3

Unfortunate, but expected.

Anime night, so. Watched Attack on Titan (my siblings insist we've watched it subbed and thus can watch the new episodes, but hearing the voices, I'm QUITE certain that we didn't so I don't know what the heck they were thinking but oh well), a few episodes of Tokyo Ghoul (we're at around episode 8 I believe), and then a series I can't remember the full name of (half of it is Seraph) involving vampires and demons (got to around 7 there).

​With that, I need to go to bed.

That is, when I call myself trash. Often, I am. Often, I can be excused temporarily from a task, so long as I actually follow through on it. Have that happen, no harm done. Not trashy of me, just real life ensuing.

What makes me trash is when I am excused temporarily from a task, promise to do it, and then break that promise, making another promise which could just as easily end up breaking. And doing this with multiple promises at once, such that when I choose to fulfill one, I am breaking another because I only had the time to fulfill one.

That is pretty much an accurate summation of what's happening right now, and if not trash, what would you call a person who did that? To some extent, it can be justified. Yesterday, work left me physically, mentally, and emotionally drained--and then after that, on top of it all, I had other things to do once home. (Among them, desperately-needed girlfriend time, which while eating up time, is one of the only ways to recharge me emotionally because sometimes I just need to have that interaction in order to not feel dead inside.)

It turned out to be worse than I thought; I was actually coughing (albeit very subtly) by the time I would be going to bed. Because I was pushed past my physical breaking point. Meaning, while I wanted to fulfill some unfulfilled obligations which I had promised to do...

...I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not with how I was. It'd have been utterly impossible for me to do.

...So I was planning to do it today.

Except most of today was spent sleeping (see also, needing to recover), and once I was awake, I was informed of something that was 50% me not remembering, 50% me having no way of knowing in advance. Those two might seem like they contradict, but they don't. What happened is, we knew our parents might be gone overnight. (And when our parents are gone overnight, on Saturdays, my brother comes over for an anime night.)

Until today, I had no way of knowing that in advance. I could have still planned for it in advance, though, simply by remembering it; I was in fact the one to bring up the subject on Thursday before even my sister did so I was literally the one who basically was indirectly planning for it, and yet I didn't remember this a day later on Friday.

And now it's basically midnight, with me working my same Sunday shift early Sunday morning. With a chance of family night tomorrow (though I don't think so).

At least one promise I made for Friday was a result of an earlier broken promise, too, so I am breaking a promise that was breaking a promise.

I am pretty much. Becoming the worst of the worst kind of failures. The one who has so much potential to succeed and you can see it and you see the promise of success, only to see it dashed, but you maintain hope...only for it to be dashed, but you keep on waiting, because you have belief in them...which keeps getting shattered, over and over again, until eventually you give up on them and accept that they failed to deliver.

There's no more painful way to fail than that.
Yet that's what I'm doing.
​Which is, pretty much. Trash.

It's a day filled with fun stories. Meeting my brother to buy fireworks, and for the first time ever, testing out his new car--a pickup truck--or rather his new truck's ability to carry four people.

He told us that it was a four-seater.

This is a technically true statement.

It is not a four-door truck, though, and those rear two seats are...well. They're not the soft seats all cars use. They're four solid blocks: two square cube blocks for seats, and two square cube blocks for the...back thingies. (What's the back half of a seat called? I'm sure it has a name.)

Additionally, while the passenger side door will open just fine and well from the outside...from the inside...you can do absolutely nothing as the inside handle is broken. (A fact he wouldn't know, as he'd have no reason to use that handle.)

Once home, we planned events. Parachutes first (7 recovered, 1 had a parachute deploy but became a POT--prisoner of tree, in that we know exactly where it is but can't retrieve it; miraculously, there were no MIA, but there were 4 KIA due to 'chutes not deploying), then food. LOTS of food.

I had what is almost the ultimate double cheeseburger: potato chips, green beans with bacon strips, and actual slices of bacon (four of them), with ketchup, four slices of cheese, on two burgers. I had half of a bacon-wrapped hot dog. The first half tasted delicious! But then, it began to just taste like fat wrapped around fat...and with conflicting flavors of fat that did not compliment one another. I eat bacon; I eat hot dogs; eating both at once was not for me, at least not also with ketchup.

I also had extra green beans with bacon strips.

Corn on the cob was available, but I tend not to have it, mostly for a petty reason: my preferred method of spreading butter on my corn is the melt-in-microwave method and utilizing a special brush dipped in the melted butter to spread it over; I am the only one who likes it that way, so it's never done anymore, meaning I rarely if ever actually have corn on the cob anymore, even when I have room. (This was one of the rare instances where I would have had it.)

Oh, also, prior to that, we had coffee. I put ice into mine to slightly cool it and make a makeshift iced coffee. It did ever so slightly dilute the coffee (I could taste the water), but it also worked; instead of overheating because it was hot with coffee making it worse, I ended up at feeling the perfect temperature, so I'd say the slight loss of flavor was well worth the tradeoff of cold coffee (which frankly tastes better than warm coffee anyway) and better internal temperature regulation from digestion.

We then watched a film, Lucy. Wasn't exactly anything I really was that invested in, but wasn't exactly terrible, either. Then came the S'mores. Last time we used the charcoal grill: "I think we might have used too much lighter fluid." (That was for Memorial Day weekend I believe.) This time when using the charcoal grill: "I think we might not have used enough lighter fluid."

Not a single marshmallow caught fire this time--a first!

Granted, not a single marshmallow was really as well-done as we prefer them to get, except for those who spent an enormously large amount of time on the task.

Then came the fireworks. We use a $80 pack of fireworks we buy, in conjunction with a few (in this case, 4) Roman Candles, and if necessary, mortars (though it's rarely needed as most of the time, mortars are included in the pack including this year).

That probably doesn't perfectly sum up the day, but it hits most highlights.

I had family night, too long a blog to type up, and I was tired, so I didn't remember that I hadn't typed up that tremendously long blog up.

I have work today which I'm going to start prep for soonish, and when I get home I don't imagine I'll have the time to do the blog, but a preview of what I guess will be tomorrow's blog:

​In addition to whatever I do tomorrow, I have two separate bits on the perfect RPG (one worldbuilding of sorts or rather character building, the other more mechanics building), plus a spew about a new webcomic idea I had. Said webcomic idea involves mythology to say the least (I should save the full details for the full blog), and that's part of why I ended up not blogging yesterday, actually.

Because of the new webcomic idea, my mind wandered off to classical mythology. Because of my mind being in classical mythology, it wandered off to Zeus/Poseidon. Zeus/Poseidon, for reference, is to Greek Mythology what Majesty is for High Fantasy--that being, a lovingly affectionate parody of it, wherein the cliches and stereotypes are played up for laughs, which has NUMEROUS numbers of gameplay hours and ENDLESS numbers of hidden dialogs to discover at various different points.

I ended up buying the game on steam and troubleshooting how to play it in windowed mode without it being messed up. Basically, the game has an in-game option for windowed mode...but its windowed mode makes the user interface half-invisible...essentially rendering the game unplayable.

Playing in fullscreen is something I'd never want to do for numerous reasons, among them being that it messes up my screens, basically making every window I have go from whatever they were into a specific windowed mode up in the upper left corner with a specific size. Though admittedly the main reason is I like to stream for my girlfriend something only possible in windowed mode.

Also, the in-game windowed mode options render text much more difficult to read because the resolutions they offer by default are warped from the game's natural proportions, so text is squashed. I did find a workaround, albeit one which requires a third party program, causes the game to not be recognized by my streaming program (something there's a workaround for), and which has weird scrolling dimensions that I haven't been able to fix.

Basically, I get the impression you're not supposed to automatically scroll to the far side of the map when interacting with the user interface, but this is currently unavoidable. Similarly, the scrolling for the bottom is also off such that the lower 25% of the screen auto-scrolls. Incidentally, there's less scrolling to the left and top--the level of scrolling there actually looks like what it's SUPPOSED to be.

But ANYWAY.

The point is, I have that game now, and got it working.

I had a cat interrupt me mid-blog so if I had anything else to say then her sitting on my lap broke that chain of thought, so I suppose that's it for now and probably for today; I have a staff meeting to prepare for.