Not a joke, if you believe in tarot cards I had literally like 3 consecutive readings tonight which all said basically the same thing:

"Bree, you should be doing the job applications."

I have not done the job applications.

I have explained previously that the entire universe was lining up to give me the time, the chance, to do so--nothing for me to read, me having done daily stuff, nothing for me to play, being bored, it being way too early to go to sleep, etc. Instead I did nothing, stalling until I had an opportunity to stream.

Now, granted!

Streaming is not a bad thing! It is an incredibly good thing! It is something I may have a future in. But streaming is, explicitly: not something you go into full-time from the onset, from the getgo. You go fulltime on streaming if and only if you have grown to be able to be supported by it, which is...a long-shot. You need to get affiliate, get a bunch of subs, get a bunch of bits, get a constant stream of donations, grow your userbase, etc. Most people? Can't do it. The ones who do usually have viewer counts in the hundreds, thousands, even tens of thousands.

I'm lucky to get one.

I realize that I need to do my research. I don't know what to research exactly, but I know that if I want to be successful as a content creator, I do need to do exactly that, the research.

I realize that it's not impossible--but even with research, even if I do everything right, it takes a lot of luck. Luck, research, connections, smart decision making, etc. I've currently got none of those. So it's a long, hard road, it's a big fight, it's something that I will need to dedicate serious time to.

So!

Given that the chance to succeed is like. One in a thousand.

I literally need the stable income of a normal job. It may not be my final path. I will be, ultimately, creating something. I will create stuff. Streams, art, stories, something, my final life job will not be just a part-time job.

But until such a time as I can get the big money in that dream job type area.

I need to be pragmatic and sustain myself on the normal job area.

And I'm not doing so yet.

Which makes me a complete idiot.

I had the time, I had the chance, I had the opportunity.

I didn't take it so I am stupid.

​I need to get it done; why is it so hard for me to actually do???

Let's see.

I promised my family to try and help them understand me within 72 hours after coming out.

We're long past that mark and I've not even started there.

I promised myself that I would start job applications Sunday or maybe Monday.

Tuesday is finished and I've yet to do so.

I haven't blogged in four days.

I've not done my tiktok.

I've only done one stream.

I've done no art.

I've done...nothing.

I'm pretty much failing.

I've no excuse, no justification.

Just. Am not doing well mentally.

I've told people who have asked me how I am doing after having come out that I am good. Because they are asking about my family and their treatment of me, if I've run into trouble, if I am in need of help thanks to them being harsh, etc.

My family is definitely more awkward. They're not talking to me by name at all. Which is an improvement over calling me my deadname but none of them are calling me a name at all because they can't bring themselves to actually say 'Bree' out loud but don't want to drive me away with the deadname. All things considered, that's not bad!

So when asked, I truthfully say that I am not bad because I am not bad in the way they are asking about me.

...But if they were to ask me about how I am doing and specify that they are asking about my mental health beyond my family, regardless of my family, disregarding my family, about me without taking into factor my environment?

Hoo boy am I badly depressed. I am at a very very bad lowpoint and struggling hard to capitalize on my momentum. I need to be strong, I need to be staying on top of my game.

But I'm not.

I'm slipping into...complacency. And that is very very VERY bad.

So. Downward spiral activate.

​Yaaaaaaaaaay.

I have a lot to say on the subject.
It did not go well with my family, to say the least.
​It went really poorly.

I am scared of the half hour my brother and father were talking outside and what it may mean.

I am scared that even my older sister and mother may not support me because they are trying to preserve the family and are not happy at me for instantly forming a rift in the family.

I am scared now that I have lost my safety net, cast it aside, and that my family is no longer safe.

But it is the first step towards truly taking control of my life and living my life as me.

It is not done and dusted.

I have taken the first step, but it is only the first step.

I need some downtime to rest/recover, but I also need to springboard into actually taking moving forward. The next step; a wave of lifeguard applications, and then looking further into an area I was given a tip to potentially being good for me.

The stars could not be more perfectly aligning in telling me to be working on the prep stuff for coming out.

I have done all my mafia stuff for the day, so I don't need to go there.

I have finished the important tft quests, so I don't need to do that.

I have played as much League of Legends as I can bear to play in a day (am burned out there), so I don't need to do that.

I don't feel like playing Stardew Valley or working on Minecraft right now.

I've done the maximum possible amount on Chrono Trigger offline, so all that's left is advancing the plot (requiring a stream).

I've reached a point in my artwork piece that the next steps are all incredibly long and grueling things to start, so I don't feel like beginning that work.

I've done everything I can on twitter and reddit and looked at everything I can League-related that's available.

I've intense boredom so I've an intense desire to do something.

So literally.

I've nothing to do...except the work that I am supposed to do.

I wanted to have everything on my checklist 'located' before going to bed.

And yet.

Instead of working on it.

I'm.

Doing nothing, in spite of the intense boredom, and in spite of literally every activity to procrastinate not being viable.

What the hell's wrong with me.

​I am an idiot.

I am literally coming out in...four/three days (depends on your cutoff I suppose).

I should be doing stuff.

Instead, I am working on League and TFT quests.

To be fair. If things go well and I can continue to use the internet after.

League and TFT quests have a time limit. I've less than a week to play like 50 League games for the final PROJECT quest to get me to the 300 tokens (which I actually have something to buy during) and I want to get the tft quests done. (I'm playing Normals because it's a bad idea to force quests in ranked or hyperroll if you care about your LP which I do. Also I'm kinda burnt out in regards to tft in general.)

So if things go well.

Not a waste of time.

...But.

If things don't go well.

Which is a better use of my time right now?

Planning for things not going well as to have things all in order when they don't...

...Or playing a game that you won't even get to play after said things not going well?

I am...not a smart person.

Most of it animal related and I am sure there will be a bunch of unpleasant shouting momentarily so I am going to rush my way to bed.

On that note tho.

I'm still an idiot procrastinating on stuff I should already have done. :/

And no daily activities for the last day at least, maybe two.

Which also means no planning for the coming out day which is...literally 6/5 (depends on your cutoff) days away.

Welp.

I need to prepare more.

I've not been wasting my time, I'd say. I have streamed a couple of times, and streaming Chrono Trigger is very fun and I've gotten to very close to the endgame. (Speaking of which, note to self: I've three streams to download now.)

But I'm entering the crunch zone.

I'm not nearly prepared enough.

There's so much I've yet to do.

I need to make sure that I can use the car. (Which, ironically enough, requires talking to my father, the one most likely to strongly negatively react.)

I need to work out what to say when I do come out.

I need to write out my checklist of things for the day which I can then check off one by one.

​I need to do so much, and I've a lot less time to do it now.

I got back into streaming. It was, unfortunately, a bit of a short stream. My mother gets up at 5 am, my sister goes to bed at like 3:30 am, so that gives me a narrow ~1.5 hour window in which I can stream interference-free.

I also know the streamer lifestyle now of getting immensely tired. I've been staying up until ~6:30 am to watch League games, but in spite of that, one hour of streaming made me feel like it was bed time. I was struggling to word, I was struggling to think of things to say, I was struggling to focus, I was feeling like "dead streamer energy", as in, streamer feeling dead near the end of their stream where you can visually tell that they are tired and need to end the stream...I felt that.

So I couldn't go on much further even without the 5 am deadline of my mother.

This is a deadline that won't exist on Friday Nights going into Saturday and Saturday Nights going into Sunday but right now I expect to be bingewatching the LEC during those times and will need to choose between watching the LEC or streaming and I actually favor watching the LEC. (There's certain LCK teams I want to watch; I always want to watch the LEC. Besides that, League is mostly "I'll watch it if it's on, but I don't go out of my way to catch it." Meaning I'd prioritize streaming over watching it. But with LCK matches I want to see and/or LEC matches I want to see, they take priority over streaming to me.)

I'll hopefully be getting into streaming more tho, but it does depend a lot on how my coming out goes.

As a reminder...that's a thing. Which is coming up. Rapidly. We're in the 8 day mark, almost one week mark. I have done plenty of work, but I've got a lot more work to do yet and I need to get to a point of being prepared/ready that I've not yet reached.

​We'll see if I can continue that tomorrow at the one week mark.

I got caught up in Chrono Trigger.
I continued to progress in my art project, Elemental Ruby attempt #2.
I continued prep work for my big coming out day.

All in all, a day of many successes with only a few failures.

​I'll take it!

The bad:
I've lost the momentum I had on Monday. I did so, so, SO much prep work for the big coming out day on Monday and I've done zero since then, including not keeping my younger sister up to date on the things I did Monday.

Also, I've not done my daily rounds on the internet.

The good:
I brushed my teeth today for the first time in a while, keeping up hygiene, and I actually did art today which unlike my previous attempt which I scrapped, I have so far kept and it's on track to being something actually worth trying to make better!

I'm also at a really really good farming spot in Chrono Trigger to get me to where I was level-wise, which will also get me to where I was story-wise fairly quickly. (I'm grinding in the Fiendlord Keep in the first battle hall, fighting the six group repeatedly, because they always drop mid-ethers, and mid-ethers give 30 MP, and group heals top up my HP and take far less than that MP-wise and I'm getting level ups like crazy. I want to get Chrono to 99 MP and Nadia and Lucca to ** MR so that I can re-fight the post-40 pre-99 Spekkio and reclaim the rewards from my first file.)

Granted.

Both of these are things I may not finish before the coming out day--so they're worthless except in the best case scenarios.

But I don't want to not do them just because in the worst case scenarios I won't finish them. I needed them to release the pressure.

Mixed bag overall but a decent, acceptable day overall in my opinion. Could be better, could also be worse, I'll take whatever wins I can get.

​For the record, this is the art at where it is now.

I used ~5 reference photos (a google search of lady abs combined with a notable lady-abs image from Spinnerette which I binge-read the entirety of over the weekend, a naked lady photo for anatomy, a QAVimator pose, and a Rinmaru Anime face to get a more animesque proportioned head), including some trace work. (Which I am not the happiest about, I hate relying on traces for digital art.)

But it is already on-track to be much much better.

I need to keep in mind, "this is just the initial outline", too; I'll probably need to refine things like the exact outlines, the face, the exact anatomy, and even if it's correct, needing to make it not all solid black. But for a base to build off of, this is a fine start. 

For the record, this is still Elemental Ruby. It'll become more obvious when I add in better bangs, refine the waist area (her torso is a bit too wide right now, I needed it to be this way at its base to get enough room for the lady-abs while giving good proportions to be anatomically proportionate, but now that I have the base I can work on thinning the torso area), add a better nose definition, add in the eyes, and start to add things like her clothes and such.

It's a good start, but there's a LOT of work left to do.