Still sick, but I also went on quite the long tangent. I was trying to find what periods in our history that there are sparse/no written records, but my googlese apparently was terrible, that, or the fact that the results I did get basically said "history IS the written records, so if it's not written, we don't have history of it", essentially.

It did somehow lead me down a massive tangent tho. Of getting me to go to the Battle of Waterloo, look up various aspects of how close Napoleon came to winning it, lots of hypotheticals about what the world would've been like if Napoleon had (the various theories range from, "it wouldn't have mattered, he was inevitably going to lose", "Napoleon needed to win every battle, the allies only needed to win one", "Time was never on Napoleon's side", or even, "Even if Napoleon had succeeded, history would almost certainly not have changed much at all and France would still lose in 1870", with only the most optimistic being that there'd be anything else), and then me being genuinely curious if there would be some sort of consensus on if Napoleon was a good/bad ruler/person/etc. (As it turns out, no, there is not a consensus. General consensus I seem to have is that "He's not as bad as Hitler especially for his time, but he's no saint either" with various leans tilting towards bad from his huge death toll and dictatorship tendencies and callous disregard for life and financial ruin and costly defeats and various leans tilting towards good from his reformations, promoting of liberal ideas, genuine militaristic proficiency, etc.)

This, largely, because I was working on my Civ 3 mod.

Speaking of which: the map's done-done. (Well unless I want to redo the entire map at a much smaller size. The game is very very laggy now, and I blame the 362x362 size for it. I only need ~215x225 as the most generous amount, but you can't crop a map so your only options are to either bear with it or literally tile by tile redo everything.)

I also did the tech tree rebalance I was aiming for.

Now, granted.

I might adjust the icons for tech trees.

And there's probably civilopedia entries that I'll want to get icons for.

But I am tackling the biggest issue of all: the civilopedia. (As part of this, I will also eventually be redoing the buildings/units ingame to have their proper names, but it's not actually mandatory to do that while working on the civilopedia.)

Work's getting done there, so definitely making progress!

​But it's a...well, rather...daunting task.

I mean, there's probably plenty I could say. But I'm just having a brain blank right now. Like, things happened. Stuff did occur. I should have plenty to say. I'm a little tired but not so tired as to be unable to talk about things. I guess I can mention that sadly I'm sick and that's a concern of mine but beyond that, everything that I feel like I should be saying?

​Just a brain fog. Sorry, I kinda suck at blogging sometimes.

I have nobody that I really really really want to watch the streams of.
I'm not really tired tired. I am tired enough where I can sleep, but not tired enough where all I want to do is sleep.
I am not feeling strongly driven to sleep.
There are things that I really want to do.

While I'm kinda burned out from working on the Civ 3 mod, there's still minecraft (okay not passionate there), Stardew Valley (actually kinda passionate there), TFT (there's never enough tft in a day), DBD (it's actually proving to be incredibly fun to me!), and then all the content I want to start making.

Lifeguard Humor, the webcomic about my job.
Tiktoks a plenty.
Youtube videos a plenty.
I've done nothing.

And will do nothing.

No stream, in spite of ability to do so.

No work.

Nothing.

A lost day.

Because I just. Have just.

I'm bad.

I'm bad at actually doing anything that matters.

I'm not dispassionate about most things.
I want to work on stories and works like Phyrra and Cyrus!
I have a VERY strong desire to get into content creation, and the motivation, the drive, the passion, to do so! I feel like doing them.

Why the hell am I not?

I don't have an answer to that.

So I just suck.

I'm sorry that I will never amount to anything.

I feel obligated to apologize to the world for that, even though the world will never get to read it.

After all, if I never amount to anything, who would read my blog? I have my blog as public as it can be. It's linked on my facebook, on my twitter, and on every site I frequent. It's something I even put in every discord server that I am a part of. I advertise it and in spite of all that, nobody reads it aside from the occasional one or two brief views that promptly don't come back.

​I don't blame them, and if by some chance someone who is an occasional viewer of the blog just so happens to catch this one, I want to make it clear: do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel ashamed. Do NOT feel the need to apologize. Do NOT feel like you are to blame. Do NOT think it is in any way shape or form your fault. You're not the problem.

The problem is me, in that in order to actually have consistent viewership of my blog, I would need to have amounted to something. Meaning that as long as I don't amount to anything, nobody will ever read my blog, because why would they? It's not something really worth reading, after all. The only people to have ever read it are very good friends of mine and the occasional mafia associates (usually to gain a form of advantage in said game by monitoring my blog and seeing if they can gleam anything from it in games I am playing).

Why would people read the thing that they have to go out of their way to read, and keep up with it daily? I know that reading things daily is a chore. And often, my blogs are long like this one, rambly messes, not really giving anything. They're more for me to vent than they are to give entertainment to others. A personal notepad of sorts, that I make public to others but which is meant for me more than it is others.

And I often miss days nowadays and when my entries are short, it's because they're pseudoblog entries that are actually not real blogs because they basically boil down to "no blog today, sorry".

So it's not on anyone for not reading my blog. It's not interesting enough to warrant it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel it is an obligation to read it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel a need to support me by having done so. But without them feeling a need to read it out of obligation, would they? No, no they would not. The fact that I haven't consistently kept readers is proof of that.

​After all, if my blog had any value, then it'd be something that would keep the readers even when they weren't trying to gain an advantage (mafia associates) or trying to be supportive (good friends). I see the stats on my blog every time I go to make one so I can always see how my blog viewership is basically permanently at zero viewers, with an occasional spike to one once every couple weeks or so. So I know for a fact that nobody reads it.

I am okay with this though. I feel the need to clarify that, again, for any person who happened to come across this blog entry and would feel bad about my situation. I feel the need to stress, to emphasize this: I am okay with not having people view the blog. It's not a problem! It's not a big deal. I don't care. It's not disappointing. It's not saddening. It's not something which I feel bad about. It's not something which I have negative feelings about. So if you see this, be assured: you need not do anything. Because it is perfectly fine, and I am genuinely serious in saying this, for my blog to have no viewers. There is nothing wrong about having no viewers for the blog.

​After all, all of the above? Just a tangent which I felt obliged to make to provide clarification on my actual point.

My actual point here is that given the above, the only way my blog would get readers is if I were to become someone of importance, someone notable, someone who is actually...well, someone. And frankly? I'm not.

And I probably never will be. Because of nights like this. Nights where literally the stars align and the universe gives me every single possible opportunity to make the most out of the situation I am given...

​...And instead of using the God-given gift (and yes, I don't see how it could be anything other than a gift from God), I squander it by doing...nothing. Nothing at all. If I am literally given the perfect storm of productivity by God, no work tomorrow, no tiredness dragging me down today, no lack of motivation, no stream that I really really want to watch, and in spite of all of those things, I don't do anything with it?

How could I ever amount to anything? I'm literally wasting my life. You can't tell me I'm not. Because I didn't even use the time for entertainment. I didn't use the time for enriching my life. If I used the time for enriching my life, you could argue it wasn't time wasted because it is time spent investing in me.

​But I didn't do anything enriching. So I didn't invest in me. And I didn't do anything productive, either. Nothing productive, nothing enriching, just...nothing, nothing at all. There's absolutely ZERO way to not call it as it is: wasting time, wasting life.

And when I am wasting my God-given opportunities. When I am literally given a gift from God that is saying that I can finally, finally make steps towards being someone of note...
...And instead of using that opportunity...
...I waste it by doing literally nothing?

That says a lot about my (lack of) ability to amount to literally anything of note.

I am a failure.

There was a time I was okay with this, but whatever justification I had for being a failure in the past is lost on my current self.

So instead of being okay with it, I am instead hating myself for it because it's not okay and yet in spite of it not being okay to be a failure, I'm not doing anything to stop​ myself from being a failure.

I will never amount to anything.

So I will never have people viewing this blog.

But while I may never amount to anything and I may never have blog viewers.

I still feel the need to apologize anyway.

I'm sorry.

I know I have the theoretical potential to be so great. It's all there! I know I am funny! I know I can entertain! I know I have good ideas! I know the works I create are rich, wonderful, and great! I know that I can do incredible things. I know that my ambition can lead to amazing works and incredible projects being realized.

I know it all because I've previously done it all and been told by multiple people I have these traits.

But I've never been able to keep at them long enough to actually pull it off, and stupid wastes of time like tonight are precisely why. Because even when I have the opportunity of a lifetime, I am seeing the opportunity and then for whatever stupid reason...not taking it.

And because I'm not taking the opportunities I'm being given, that are literally fed to me, handed to me on a silver platter.

I will never realize the potential. I will never actualize the potential. I know I have the potential. It's there. It's not just theory. I know it's there, and could be in practice if I could just stop having the waste of times like tonight. But it never will happen because nights like this?

They won't go away.

They'll continue to happen.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

And because they'll happen, time. and time. and time again.

I will never succeed.

And for that, I must apologize.

I need to say sorry.

Because when I have such beautiful potential. When my mind is geared towards such gorgeous projects and can create the most amazing things.

And then I waste that ability by having done none of it.

What else can I do? I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.

I know nobody will read my being sorry because it'd require me to have succeeded when I never will.

But I still need to say it due to the loss.

The world will forever be a lesser place for not having had my talent realized.

And for that, I apologize, because I have all the tools in the world to have said talent realized.

I just squander them.

So I'm sorry.

​I am sorry that I am just not good.

I chose the title of this blog pretty well. It was followthrough to the blog title of yesterday (I like to title blogs to have some continuity to them), but it is tremendously apt. As there's no other way to describe it.

Today?

I'm pretty lousy.
As that's the only way to describe a day with zero self-care, zero self-investment, zero self-healing, zero self-focus, zero self-enrichment, zero self-improvement, and yet, zero productivity. Without depression as an excuse, no less. The lack of work isn't depression. The lack of work isn't a lack of motivation. I know my depression. I've lived with it my whole life, of course I recognize when I am depressed so I can tell you this isn't depression. I know my lack of motivation. It's been an issue for as long as I can remember, so I know it inside and out when it strikes. So I can tell you it's not hitting me now.

This is purely just a failure of me, today.

And for that, all I can say is the same thing, over and over and over again.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm so so sorry.

​I'm sorry.

It started with snow--lots and lots of snow.
Lots and lots and lots of snow. (Ultimately, over a foot of snow.)

Then, work was canceled. After I had already arrived.

Then, my car died while at work. Which is a .75-1.25 hour drive on a good day. As a reminder, there was snow, so much snow that even the freeways were whiteout conditions. So that 45 minutes on a good day was two hours.

And then came the long, long drive back home. With us having to leave the dead car there.

And once home, what did I do?

Waste time, that's what.

And today has been full of depression.

No civ 3 mod progress.

Nothing productive done at all.

I literally filled my day with playing Dead by Daylight (first half of the day) and TFT (second half of the day).

While DBD is proving to be quite fun and I'm actually getting some progress towards what I want (my goal: unlock all the killers you aren't required to pay rl money for, get adept on all of them, and prestige3 them all) in that I got adept on Trapper recently and today got adept on Wraith, it's slowed down on Hillbilly since, well...he's an M2 killer unlike Trapper and Wraith (who're both M1 killers), and, well...I'm barely competent at M1 killers so I'm totally incompetent with the chainsaw.

And on TFT? Backwards progress. I started at 86 LP (which is 3 LP below where I was before I streamed on Wednesday night). I got 8th, then 1st. You'd think that 8th to 1st would be an approximately equal LP gain/loss and zero out to return me to that 80 LP range, but as it turns out, no, in fact they are not. After the 1st place, I found myself down 20 LP from before, in the 60s.

Not that it mattered, as after that? 7th, then 6th. Placing me at 0 LP, at which point I entered my standard 0 LP plan: spam mutants every single game.

Usually, that gets me 1-3 wins fairly quickly.

It took me four games to get one top-four, and it was just that: fourth place.

And at that point it was like 4:30 am, which this blog is being written shortly after on.

​I wanted to do a bonus stream, but since it took my family until 4 am to go to bed, I just...can't muster the ability to do so. I just...want to go to sleep and probably waste tomorrow, too.

So I can tell that I am depressed, and fairly strongly so, too.

I didn't stream and didn't blog yesterday, due to feeling like I needed SOME sleep and wanted to be looking nice and us starting at 11 am. Was unfortunate, but I found out about the start time at like...two in the morning or so?

Anyway, at the very least, I've done a ton of work on the Civ 3 mod today. I'm almost completely done with the map. Which means more and more work to be done after. Still, tho, is quite progressing. I'm a bit worried that I might've oversaturated some areas for resources but I think it should be okay.

We back after the day break out of necessity!

Now granted, won't be here long. Just waiting for the vod of my stream tonight to finish. (-3 or so LP tonight but hey, was still fun.)

But I did want to say, I managed to get the map workable in my Civ 3 mod. I do need to do the resources for the map, but the map itself is functional. I took very very broad strokes for everything east of the maps in the Conquest scenarios, but I still got it done! I might tweak a few things here and there, but it's looking quite good, honestly.

Now, granted.

In hindsight, I could cut out like ~30-40% of the lower map and ~40-50% of the right side of the map. It's a huge map and it takes bloody forever for me to actually start the game which means it's probably going to run terribly. (Oops?) Sadly, there's no fix for this aside from "start over with the new dimensions, meticulously copy over everything painfully excruciatingly tile by tile", although I could in theory get away with not needing to redo the units/buildings/techs by using the wonderful feature known as 'save as'.

Butstill, it's done!

And if I do choose to redo the map, doing it once makes it much easier to do again.

I need to add resources and manually add goody huts and barbarian camps, but it's coming along quite nicely.

So it's 4:15 am when I'm writing this meaning I'm already 15 minutes late to bed.

But today was a 'whoops' worse than yesterday--I genuinely spent over six and a half hours on my Civ 3 mod tonight. Started working on it pretty much at 9 pm precisely, and didn't stop until three forty-five am.

And then I realized I hadn't eaten dinner--when I had already accidentally skipped eating dinner yesterday due to negligence (I forgot). I got called out in a tarot reading for not having good self-care, and tonight is a night proving precisely why.

I have a story that I want to blog about while it's fresh, but I can't do that if I am stupidly spending literally my entire day on a Civ 3 mod.

(Speaking of all day, work will be all of my day tomorrow--I won't get a chance to write a blog since I'll be getting ready for work in the morning, at work all of the day, and go straight to bed once home due to work on Thursday, so I'll be missing a day of blogging, regrettably. Sucks when I've been having some modicum of momentum, but it's unavoidable. Well, at least unavoidable if I want to be healthy and get the required amount of sleep in a night.)

And even on that mod, I keep on forgetting to actually ask about the Conquest Scenario buildings to see if someone's done the work there. Given that the map is actually nearly 75% complete (I worked on it for six hours today, that shouldn't really come as a surprise since while I need to add rivers and mines and irrigation from non-Rise scenarios, I legit did 100% of the Rise of Rome map tonight, so that leaves Mesopotamian, Middle Ages, Age of Discovery if it's not already done, and Napoleon--speaking of which, I've now done both the Vikings and the Germans today with me having done the Hordes and Turks yesterday, so I genuinely have only Russia left), and the next step will be the extensive civilopedia work which will be the time to have the buildings, I need to stop forgetting like a dummy dum dum and actually ask.

​But that'll have to wait until Thursday at the earliest, given that I work at 5:45 am (meaning up at 3:30ish am) on Thursday meaning Wednesday will be work->home->bed.

So I was available to have content creation at ~2:15.
I kept working on my Civ 3 mod.
I decided to stop at ~2:45 when I took a bathroom break, but in the bathroom I had a flash of inspiration/desire to make an edit that I knew I'd forget if I didn't. So more time down the drain.

At this stage I knew I wouldn't have the time to devote to content creation anymore, but I figured I'd still go to bed early to give myself 8 hours of sleep and wake up early tomorrow so that I can take the shower I need.

And then I logged in to do mafia stuff.

I figured it'd be quick enough.

It's now past 4, meaning instead of being early to bed, I am late.

Thus:
I am a dummy dum dum.

It's productive stupidity, but it's still stupidity even if it's productive.

I really want to do content creation, but literally all the content I want to make aside from Lifeguard Humor (a comic that's self-explanatory) requires me to be the only one awake.

I currently have two others awake.

Most of my time, then, has been spent playing Riot Games, Games. I played TFT and got to the highest LP I've ever gotten (still not impressive as I'm still Plat IV, just closer to Plat III than before), then played a few Hyper-Roll matches to slowly, slowly, climb up there. (Hyper-roll is actually easier to climb in imo, since the losses are smaller, the gains are greater, and I tend to get higher placements, getting my losses be 6ths or 5ths and my wins be 3rds or 2nds or so with the occasional 4ths. It's just that for whatever reason, I prefer ranked games and play them by default.)

That was enough to get me to the next quest in the current event, so I took a stab at playing a game of League and won that. Which got me out of a Riot Games mode. (The current quest is the healing one. In spite of how little Ashe heals, it's probably still faster for me to play League games for it. Every build that I am wanting to build has lifesteal early. The three builds most appealing to me involve Shieldbow, Eclipse, or Ravenous Hydra, so...)

I'm not quite sure what I'll be filling the rest of my time with. I did reorder my hormones, so I'm doing some adulting.

There's still the questions that I've wanted to ask for over two months. And scheduling/handling my recert training for my yearly certificate. And student loan restart. So I've got more adulting to do.

If not, it'll probably be Civ 3 mod work.

It'll be one of the two, adulting or Civ 3 work, we'll have to see. But yeah, got another hour or so of time, so gotta use the time.

So I've finished Persia's units and cities, now. (Some were a bit of a stretch in order to justify their existence, but I wanted Persia to have more cities than Greece does and to keep the balance between Persia and Greece so I did my best attempt.)

Now, granted.

Still gotta finish the terrain.

And add rivers, irrigation, mines, etc. To both Persia AND Greece.

And I gotta build up the area for The Hordes, Turks, Russia, Goths, and so on and so forth. The map's not nearly close to complete, yet. But it's getting most of the major marks.

I'm getting close.

That said, I need to stop being a dummy and forget to do something I should do:
I have an account on the fan forum for civ games, where I learned how to mod the game in the first place--I need to use it, and maybe steam as well, to ask if there's someone who has already done all of the civ3 scenario buildings so that I don't have to figure it out on my own. (I've never messed with buildings before. I've done resource icons, and the theory behind resource icons is theoretically the same as for buildings, but buildings are far more daunting a task.)

I'll continue to chip away at it, and hopefully, can get the scenario in truly runnable form. (It's pseudo-runnable as-is for the civs on the right side of the map, but the left side still needs to...well...exist.)