I have nobody that I really really really want to watch the streams of.
I'm not really tired tired. I am tired enough where I can sleep, but not tired enough where all I want to do is sleep.
I am not feeling strongly driven to sleep.
There are things that I really want to do.
While I'm kinda burned out from working on the Civ 3 mod, there's still minecraft (okay not passionate there), Stardew Valley (actually kinda passionate there), TFT (there's never enough tft in a day), DBD (it's actually proving to be incredibly fun to me!), and then all the content I want to start making.
Lifeguard Humor, the webcomic about my job.
Tiktoks a plenty.
Youtube videos a plenty.
I've done nothing.
And will do nothing.
No stream, in spite of ability to do so.
No work.
Nothing.
A lost day.
Because I just. Have just.
I'm bad.
I'm bad at actually doing anything that matters.
I'm not dispassionate about most things.
I want to work on stories and works like Phyrra and Cyrus!
I have a VERY strong desire to get into content creation, and the motivation, the drive, the passion, to do so! I feel like doing them.
Why the hell am I not?
I don't have an answer to that.
So I just suck.
I'm sorry that I will never amount to anything.
I feel obligated to apologize to the world for that, even though the world will never get to read it.
After all, if I never amount to anything, who would read my blog? I have my blog as public as it can be. It's linked on my facebook, on my twitter, and on every site I frequent. It's something I even put in every discord server that I am a part of. I advertise it and in spite of all that, nobody reads it aside from the occasional one or two brief views that promptly don't come back.
I don't blame them, and if by some chance someone who is an occasional viewer of the blog just so happens to catch this one, I want to make it clear: do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel ashamed. Do NOT feel the need to apologize. Do NOT feel like you are to blame. Do NOT think it is in any way shape or form your fault. You're not the problem.
The problem is me, in that in order to actually have consistent viewership of my blog, I would need to have amounted to something. Meaning that as long as I don't amount to anything, nobody will ever read my blog, because why would they? It's not something really worth reading, after all. The only people to have ever read it are very good friends of mine and the occasional mafia associates (usually to gain a form of advantage in said game by monitoring my blog and seeing if they can gleam anything from it in games I am playing).
Why would people read the thing that they have to go out of their way to read, and keep up with it daily? I know that reading things daily is a chore. And often, my blogs are long like this one, rambly messes, not really giving anything. They're more for me to vent than they are to give entertainment to others. A personal notepad of sorts, that I make public to others but which is meant for me more than it is others.
And I often miss days nowadays and when my entries are short, it's because they're pseudoblog entries that are actually not real blogs because they basically boil down to "no blog today, sorry".
So it's not on anyone for not reading my blog. It's not interesting enough to warrant it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel it is an obligation to read it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel a need to support me by having done so. But without them feeling a need to read it out of obligation, would they? No, no they would not. The fact that I haven't consistently kept readers is proof of that.
After all, if my blog had any value, then it'd be something that would keep the readers even when they weren't trying to gain an advantage (mafia associates) or trying to be supportive (good friends). I see the stats on my blog every time I go to make one so I can always see how my blog viewership is basically permanently at zero viewers, with an occasional spike to one once every couple weeks or so. So I know for a fact that nobody reads it.
I am okay with this though. I feel the need to clarify that, again, for any person who happened to come across this blog entry and would feel bad about my situation. I feel the need to stress, to emphasize this: I am okay with not having people view the blog. It's not a problem! It's not a big deal. I don't care. It's not disappointing. It's not saddening. It's not something which I feel bad about. It's not something which I have negative feelings about. So if you see this, be assured: you need not do anything. Because it is perfectly fine, and I am genuinely serious in saying this, for my blog to have no viewers. There is nothing wrong about having no viewers for the blog.
After all, all of the above? Just a tangent which I felt obliged to make to provide clarification on my actual point.
My actual point here is that given the above, the only way my blog would get readers is if I were to become someone of importance, someone notable, someone who is actually...well, someone. And frankly? I'm not.
And I probably never will be. Because of nights like this. Nights where literally the stars align and the universe gives me every single possible opportunity to make the most out of the situation I am given...
...And instead of using the God-given gift (and yes, I don't see how it could be anything other than a gift from God), I squander it by doing...nothing. Nothing at all. If I am literally given the perfect storm of productivity by God, no work tomorrow, no tiredness dragging me down today, no lack of motivation, no stream that I really really want to watch, and in spite of all of those things, I don't do anything with it?
How could I ever amount to anything? I'm literally wasting my life. You can't tell me I'm not. Because I didn't even use the time for entertainment. I didn't use the time for enriching my life. If I used the time for enriching my life, you could argue it wasn't time wasted because it is time spent investing in me.
But I didn't do anything enriching. So I didn't invest in me. And I didn't do anything productive, either. Nothing productive, nothing enriching, just...nothing, nothing at all. There's absolutely ZERO way to not call it as it is: wasting time, wasting life.
And when I am wasting my God-given opportunities. When I am literally given a gift from God that is saying that I can finally, finally make steps towards being someone of note...
...And instead of using that opportunity...
...I waste it by doing literally nothing?
That says a lot about my (lack of) ability to amount to literally anything of note.
I am a failure.
There was a time I was okay with this, but whatever justification I had for being a failure in the past is lost on my current self.
So instead of being okay with it, I am instead hating myself for it because it's not okay and yet in spite of it not being okay to be a failure, I'm not doing anything to stop myself from being a failure.
I will never amount to anything.
So I will never have people viewing this blog.
But while I may never amount to anything and I may never have blog viewers.
I still feel the need to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry.
I know I have the theoretical potential to be so great. It's all there! I know I am funny! I know I can entertain! I know I have good ideas! I know the works I create are rich, wonderful, and great! I know that I can do incredible things. I know that my ambition can lead to amazing works and incredible projects being realized.
I know it all because I've previously done it all and been told by multiple people I have these traits.
But I've never been able to keep at them long enough to actually pull it off, and stupid wastes of time like tonight are precisely why. Because even when I have the opportunity of a lifetime, I am seeing the opportunity and then for whatever stupid reason...not taking it.
And because I'm not taking the opportunities I'm being given, that are literally fed to me, handed to me on a silver platter.
I will never realize the potential. I will never actualize the potential. I know I have the potential. It's there. It's not just theory. I know it's there, and could be in practice if I could just stop having the waste of times like tonight. But it never will happen because nights like this?
They won't go away.
They'll continue to happen.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
And because they'll happen, time. and time. and time again.
I will never succeed.
And for that, I must apologize.
I need to say sorry.
Because when I have such beautiful potential. When my mind is geared towards such gorgeous projects and can create the most amazing things.
And then I waste that ability by having done none of it.
What else can I do? I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.
I know nobody will read my being sorry because it'd require me to have succeeded when I never will.
But I still need to say it due to the loss.
The world will forever be a lesser place for not having had my talent realized.
And for that, I apologize, because I have all the tools in the world to have said talent realized.
I just squander them.
So I'm sorry.
I am sorry that I am just not good.
I chose the title of this blog pretty well. It was followthrough to the blog title of yesterday (I like to title blogs to have some continuity to them), but it is tremendously apt. As there's no other way to describe it.
Today?
I'm pretty lousy.
As that's the only way to describe a day with zero self-care, zero self-investment, zero self-healing, zero self-focus, zero self-enrichment, zero self-improvement, and yet, zero productivity. Without depression as an excuse, no less. The lack of work isn't depression. The lack of work isn't a lack of motivation. I know my depression. I've lived with it my whole life, of course I recognize when I am depressed so I can tell you this isn't depression. I know my lack of motivation. It's been an issue for as long as I can remember, so I know it inside and out when it strikes. So I can tell you it's not hitting me now.
This is purely just a failure of me, today.
And for that, all I can say is the same thing, over and over and over again.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not really tired tired. I am tired enough where I can sleep, but not tired enough where all I want to do is sleep.
I am not feeling strongly driven to sleep.
There are things that I really want to do.
While I'm kinda burned out from working on the Civ 3 mod, there's still minecraft (okay not passionate there), Stardew Valley (actually kinda passionate there), TFT (there's never enough tft in a day), DBD (it's actually proving to be incredibly fun to me!), and then all the content I want to start making.
Lifeguard Humor, the webcomic about my job.
Tiktoks a plenty.
Youtube videos a plenty.
I've done nothing.
And will do nothing.
No stream, in spite of ability to do so.
No work.
Nothing.
A lost day.
Because I just. Have just.
I'm bad.
I'm bad at actually doing anything that matters.
I'm not dispassionate about most things.
I want to work on stories and works like Phyrra and Cyrus!
I have a VERY strong desire to get into content creation, and the motivation, the drive, the passion, to do so! I feel like doing them.
Why the hell am I not?
I don't have an answer to that.
So I just suck.
I'm sorry that I will never amount to anything.
I feel obligated to apologize to the world for that, even though the world will never get to read it.
After all, if I never amount to anything, who would read my blog? I have my blog as public as it can be. It's linked on my facebook, on my twitter, and on every site I frequent. It's something I even put in every discord server that I am a part of. I advertise it and in spite of all that, nobody reads it aside from the occasional one or two brief views that promptly don't come back.
I don't blame them, and if by some chance someone who is an occasional viewer of the blog just so happens to catch this one, I want to make it clear: do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel ashamed. Do NOT feel the need to apologize. Do NOT feel like you are to blame. Do NOT think it is in any way shape or form your fault. You're not the problem.
The problem is me, in that in order to actually have consistent viewership of my blog, I would need to have amounted to something. Meaning that as long as I don't amount to anything, nobody will ever read my blog, because why would they? It's not something really worth reading, after all. The only people to have ever read it are very good friends of mine and the occasional mafia associates (usually to gain a form of advantage in said game by monitoring my blog and seeing if they can gleam anything from it in games I am playing).
Why would people read the thing that they have to go out of their way to read, and keep up with it daily? I know that reading things daily is a chore. And often, my blogs are long like this one, rambly messes, not really giving anything. They're more for me to vent than they are to give entertainment to others. A personal notepad of sorts, that I make public to others but which is meant for me more than it is others.
And I often miss days nowadays and when my entries are short, it's because they're pseudoblog entries that are actually not real blogs because they basically boil down to "no blog today, sorry".
So it's not on anyone for not reading my blog. It's not interesting enough to warrant it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel it is an obligation to read it. The only people who read the blog are those who feel a need to support me by having done so. But without them feeling a need to read it out of obligation, would they? No, no they would not. The fact that I haven't consistently kept readers is proof of that.
After all, if my blog had any value, then it'd be something that would keep the readers even when they weren't trying to gain an advantage (mafia associates) or trying to be supportive (good friends). I see the stats on my blog every time I go to make one so I can always see how my blog viewership is basically permanently at zero viewers, with an occasional spike to one once every couple weeks or so. So I know for a fact that nobody reads it.
I am okay with this though. I feel the need to clarify that, again, for any person who happened to come across this blog entry and would feel bad about my situation. I feel the need to stress, to emphasize this: I am okay with not having people view the blog. It's not a problem! It's not a big deal. I don't care. It's not disappointing. It's not saddening. It's not something which I feel bad about. It's not something which I have negative feelings about. So if you see this, be assured: you need not do anything. Because it is perfectly fine, and I am genuinely serious in saying this, for my blog to have no viewers. There is nothing wrong about having no viewers for the blog.
After all, all of the above? Just a tangent which I felt obliged to make to provide clarification on my actual point.
My actual point here is that given the above, the only way my blog would get readers is if I were to become someone of importance, someone notable, someone who is actually...well, someone. And frankly? I'm not.
And I probably never will be. Because of nights like this. Nights where literally the stars align and the universe gives me every single possible opportunity to make the most out of the situation I am given...
...And instead of using the God-given gift (and yes, I don't see how it could be anything other than a gift from God), I squander it by doing...nothing. Nothing at all. If I am literally given the perfect storm of productivity by God, no work tomorrow, no tiredness dragging me down today, no lack of motivation, no stream that I really really want to watch, and in spite of all of those things, I don't do anything with it?
How could I ever amount to anything? I'm literally wasting my life. You can't tell me I'm not. Because I didn't even use the time for entertainment. I didn't use the time for enriching my life. If I used the time for enriching my life, you could argue it wasn't time wasted because it is time spent investing in me.
But I didn't do anything enriching. So I didn't invest in me. And I didn't do anything productive, either. Nothing productive, nothing enriching, just...nothing, nothing at all. There's absolutely ZERO way to not call it as it is: wasting time, wasting life.
And when I am wasting my God-given opportunities. When I am literally given a gift from God that is saying that I can finally, finally make steps towards being someone of note...
...And instead of using that opportunity...
...I waste it by doing literally nothing?
That says a lot about my (lack of) ability to amount to literally anything of note.
I am a failure.
There was a time I was okay with this, but whatever justification I had for being a failure in the past is lost on my current self.
So instead of being okay with it, I am instead hating myself for it because it's not okay and yet in spite of it not being okay to be a failure, I'm not doing anything to stop myself from being a failure.
I will never amount to anything.
So I will never have people viewing this blog.
But while I may never amount to anything and I may never have blog viewers.
I still feel the need to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry.
I know I have the theoretical potential to be so great. It's all there! I know I am funny! I know I can entertain! I know I have good ideas! I know the works I create are rich, wonderful, and great! I know that I can do incredible things. I know that my ambition can lead to amazing works and incredible projects being realized.
I know it all because I've previously done it all and been told by multiple people I have these traits.
But I've never been able to keep at them long enough to actually pull it off, and stupid wastes of time like tonight are precisely why. Because even when I have the opportunity of a lifetime, I am seeing the opportunity and then for whatever stupid reason...not taking it.
And because I'm not taking the opportunities I'm being given, that are literally fed to me, handed to me on a silver platter.
I will never realize the potential. I will never actualize the potential. I know I have the potential. It's there. It's not just theory. I know it's there, and could be in practice if I could just stop having the waste of times like tonight. But it never will happen because nights like this?
They won't go away.
They'll continue to happen.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
And because they'll happen, time. and time. and time again.
I will never succeed.
And for that, I must apologize.
I need to say sorry.
Because when I have such beautiful potential. When my mind is geared towards such gorgeous projects and can create the most amazing things.
And then I waste that ability by having done none of it.
What else can I do? I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.
I know nobody will read my being sorry because it'd require me to have succeeded when I never will.
But I still need to say it due to the loss.
The world will forever be a lesser place for not having had my talent realized.
And for that, I apologize, because I have all the tools in the world to have said talent realized.
I just squander them.
So I'm sorry.
I am sorry that I am just not good.
I chose the title of this blog pretty well. It was followthrough to the blog title of yesterday (I like to title blogs to have some continuity to them), but it is tremendously apt. As there's no other way to describe it.
Today?
I'm pretty lousy.
As that's the only way to describe a day with zero self-care, zero self-investment, zero self-healing, zero self-focus, zero self-enrichment, zero self-improvement, and yet, zero productivity. Without depression as an excuse, no less. The lack of work isn't depression. The lack of work isn't a lack of motivation. I know my depression. I've lived with it my whole life, of course I recognize when I am depressed so I can tell you this isn't depression. I know my lack of motivation. It's been an issue for as long as I can remember, so I know it inside and out when it strikes. So I can tell you it's not hitting me now.
This is purely just a failure of me, today.
And for that, all I can say is the same thing, over and over and over again.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so so sorry.
I'm sorry.
RSS Feed
