Terrible mental day.
We're late for bed again so just...we need to finish things up and get ready.
We're quite late for bed.
So, uh, not blogging, just gotta rush things now.
We did most of what we wanted to do, albeit not all. We did skip the workout part, and we could only run for five minutes, and our TKD knowledge has degraded pathetically low, but we knocked the other goals out of the park, and have a rough estimate of how to develop the routine in the future. (4 hours on shower days, half that on non-shower days.)
Anyway, 6:30 am, we played a ranked game of League, we played a bunch of TFT (did not go well, because our luck stat is in the negative--literally every. single. game. we had at least one person contesting our comp without fail, in spite of us running different comps every game), and we did finish the pre-course work for the training we've got later today.
Fortunately, it's an evening training, so we can still get the full rest sleep from 6:30 am bedtime.
But we need to do that now!
For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.
But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?
Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".
Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.
We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.
And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.
I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:
We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.
Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.
Now we need to execute it.
Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.
If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.
So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)
We lost a dog today.
Our dog passed away.
I'm...honestly not sure how to feel.
Part of me is glad that his suffering is over, because he was suffering, quite a lot. My dad thought that the sounds he made were him making those sounds while dreaming, but to me it seemed like he was still awake during the times my dad thought he was asleep. Awake, and in constant pain and constantly afraid.
He was blind, deaf, senile, and heavily arthritic. In the last couple of weeks, he lost his ability to stand at all, and then stopped eating/drinking. Even before that, in less than a month he went from appearing normal to looking outright skeletal. And before he looked skeletal, he gained a constant hunch in his back.
So he was not living a high quality of life. He was mostly isolated, ignored, etc. And now he can finally rest.
But part of me is sad. Because he is gone now.
So I just...don't know what to think or feel.
Yeah it was 7/23, we turned 29.
We mentioned it everywhere, except on our blog.
Today not good.
We're not streaming.
During the opportunity of a lifetime.
We don't really have an excuse this time.
But, we do have a productive day.
We activated our new credit card, and worked on our notes for getting our life be less of a mess.
The hope is that we can finish organizing things and end up back on track. We've got a bunch of mess to sort through, but we are hoping that by focusing on tackling it, we can maybe actually get started on making the difference we are aiming to make.
Both streamers I normally watch, not on.
My parents which restrict my freedom of streaming by being them, not home.
My sister, in bed.
I should be taking advantage of this with a stream.
In fact we were planning on it!
A sort of "get our (pardon the language) shit together" Just Chatting stream.
Well, we might not stream tonight, but we're still doing that somewhat already.
We don't remember what we did specifically since we deleted it from our to-do list already, buuuuut.
We did deal with a medical bill.
We did check on some work stuff.
We did do a lot of reorginization of our to-do list.
And we're currently trying to test uploading past streams up to youtube. (This is the biggie for why we're not streaming--can't both stream and upload, and tonight we're trying the upload.)
Does this get everything on our to-do list?
Oh heck no, our to-do list is a mile long.
But is it a productive day?
It's probably the most productive day we've had in a long time.
We're still working on a bunch.
But, progress is good to have. We told ourselves "no gaming tonight!!! (at least not until we get things done)", and, well, hey!
We got things done!
Not gonna game anyway, but it feels good to get what I've done, done.
Every time we become a fan of a team and build up hopes for them, we end up having our hopes dashed.
It first happened in 2019.
We began watching League of Legends professional games during MSI of that year.
So what happened?
We became a believer in G2.
We well and truly believed that G2 could actually do it. That they could actually make the golden run.
Then they didn't.
We became fans of various LPL teams, only to have it be literally a different team sent to each event with none of the teams we were fans of prior to that year being among them. Repeatedly. Happens every year in fact.
We've been fans of many iterations of Fnatic--only to end up disappointed in the end in most of them.
We were fans of Splyce during their miracle run into worlds. Then Splyce dissolved.
We were fans of Clutch Gaming in their final year. We knew they had something special, and we truly believed that if they stayed together, they would be one of the best teams the LCS would ever know.
Then when they became Dignitas, the team dissolved. (Partial vindication: Vulcan is considered one of the best supports the LCS has to offer, consistently among their top 3. What team was Vulcan on? That's right, the dream team of Clutch Gaming. He was always that good, and I'd argue so too were his teammates. He wasn't dragged down by them; they just didn't stick around long enough for him to be elevated to his highest level.)
We have been fans of every single team the OPL sent--then the OPL dissolved.
We have become fans of every single team the LCO has sent--but we all know how that'll inevitably turn out (where getting so much as a single victory is considered a win).
We were fans of DWK for basically every single year, but especially 2021-era, Khan's last year. I well and truly believed that Damwon could do it.
Then they didn't.
We were fans of T-1 during their perfect run during Spring of this year. We sincerely believed that they were the best team in the world.
Then they lost in MSI.
And today, once more, the inevitable heartbreak.
We have been fans of BRO since, what, 2019?
Every time, we cheer for them.
Every time, we believe in them.
Time after time, we get disappointed.
But we still believe in them.
We know they can do it.
They almost have!
If their Spring and Summer performances were flipped since Spring allows only one team to be sent whereas Summer allows for four? They'd have a very good chance of having been the fourth, with how well they did during Spring! (Granted, bad luck would have them face DWK round 1 regardless and be eliminated for good, butstill.)
But no. During the time that doing well didn't matter, they did well; during the time that doing well does matter, they...
...Are heartbreakingly doing what they have done every year:
Broken my heart.
I know they're good enough to pull it off.
They've proven it multiple times before.
They can beat the best teams in the league, and in fact can do so better than basically any other team except the other best teams in the league.
They can beat the other teams in the league, albeit far less consistently.
But today was basically their last chance to stand a chance this year, and once again...after a promising start, they just couldn't pull it off.
I don't know why I believe in teams.
My belief has never led to them achieving success. If anything, the opposite. The less I believe in a team, the better they seem to do. I set myself up to get hyped, then inevitably disappointed, consistently time after time again.
And every year, I say the same thing.
"They might not have done it this year, but if this team sticks together, then next year they should be able to pull it off."
What happens in the interim between the years?
They inevitably don't actually stick together.
And when they do, it's to disappointing results.
I might be a bad luck charm.
It's not even favoring the underdogs consistently.
It's favoring the teams that I see something special in. Something magical in. Something that is truly remarkable and makes me continue to want to watch League. Some sort of special wow-factor that is like "they actually can do this!!!", when 'this' is something that will never be as remarkable as when that team did it, even if that team ends up not having the wins to show how remarkable them having done that was. (Things like Clutch Gaming basically inventing a meta a full year before it became the meta, for instance! Basically every team ended up swapping their botlane to top for 8-minute herald fights...the year after Clutch Gaming disbanded as we knew them. Because while CG didn't have the wins to back up their strategy, their strategy was still genius, so genius that every team copied it later and it still miffs us to this very day that CG is not credited for inventing that strategy even though they did. Because they invented it but didn't get the awe-inspiring wins to make their invention memorable.)
Things that shouldn't have worked, but somehow do.
Things that the theory is there to work, even if it doesn't.
Things where you can see the magic of the team and their genius. Bonds they have, or synergies they have, or strategies they have, or metas they invent, or champions they master (remember when Pyosik brought Udyr into the meta? I certainly do, I was a big fan of his team that year only to end up immensely disappointed as yet another letdown), and so on and so forth.
Not every team has that wow-factor, and in fact many teams explicitly lack it for me. (In the LCS, there's never been an iteration of Team Liquid which has ever made me think "this is special"; every iteration of TL since I have watched has been "this is boring" and made me actively want TL to lose. As just one example.)
But no matter how good or how special or how unique or how magical or how sound or how admirable or how whatever the team may be that gets my belief...
...My faith is, consistently, never rewarded.
...And yet I still hold it anyway. For whatever reason.