My mindset has improved exponentially, I've not dropped below 6.5 today, and I don't think I will, no matter what. The affirmation worked. I am spending time on those who want me to spend time on them, rather than those who don't.
There is something that felt a bit disconcerting, perhaps alarming, because it felt akin to Michelle. I didn't enter safe mode, but what I did have was basically an alarming response in response to thoughts/feelings. It felt like a presence similar to Michelle, but...happier? Or maybe more apathetic? Or maybe more selfish? It was something I can't describe right now, other than really it was an instinctive immediate protection mechanism of some kind, similar to Michelle, but less disaster-mode. Not a safe mode. A conditioning of some kind.
I don't know what it was, but the result wasn't bad. When Michelle fronts, it feels like it's because bad things have happened, and her presence is alarming. But when this happened, it felt like it was not a bad thing, despite the alarming similarity to Michelle in feeling.
It basically was holding myself to a promise. It basically was making a pact with myself, I think. I think I might have accidentally made a form of pact with myself yesterday, one which has incredible power but which has set in motion me being held to it automatically. And, like...it's not a bad thing. But it feels like I tapped into something potentially dangerous yesterday. I dunno. I don't think it was harmful or innately malevolent or malicious or in any way bad. Just...volatile.
I feel changed somehow. I don't know how. It's scary, but that change feels like it's not a bad thing. I just let go. I'm not holding myself back anymore, I'm not dwelling, I'm not lingering. Every time I briefly have thoughts, and they do still happen, there's an immediate dismissal of them.
Perhaps the dismissal isn't a healthy healing mechanism. It feels potentially dangerous. But it also feels like, to some extent, it's not a bad thing, and not a harmful thing. The people who don't want me in their life, don't want me in their life. So I shouldn't try to be in their life. And I shouldn't think of them as a result. The only reason to think of them is to be mindful, to respect their boundaries, to respect their space, and I do that by not going into their spaces, not interacting with them, not talking to them, not looking how they're doing, not bothering them, not thinking of them, etc.
And I have already put in the work on my end. I know they don't believe me. I know they don't give me the benefit of the doubt. I know they think I am terrible. I know they think I haven't displayed my change in actions beyond words. I know they believe I am not worth having in their spaces, in their lives. I know not to arrogantly think I am better than I am. I know not to think I am perfect. I know better to assume I'm not still making mistakes. (I know I still am, although what those mistakes are, I'll likely need to be told.) I know better than to think I am perfect. I know I still have a long way to go. I know they are still hurt. I know they are still healing. I know they are still protecting others. I know they are trying to do the right thing. I know my attempt to do the right thing isn't perfect.
I know, I know. I think you get the idea. I know. I have to always be mindful, of me, of my imperfections, of my work, of what I need to do, of everything.
But I also know I am not in the wrong for having self-worth. It's factual I messed up big time, but it's also factual I know I did, it's also factual me knowing I messed up has left me with lifelong regrets, and it's also factual I have learned from my mistakes. It's factual I have grown. It's factual I have improved. It's factual I am better than I was. It's factual I was in the wrong; it's factual I know I was in the wrong; it's factual I have worked to atone; it's factual I am working to be a wonderful human being; it's factual I have done a lot of good, especially since awakening my heightened empathy.
And while they may not believe it. I know it's true. So I know thinking myself terrible does nobody any good. I am a flawed person, to be sure. I am not a bad person. I am not a terrible person. I am a good person, and I will do a lot of good--to any who will have me in their life for me to do that good. And they are plenty.
I need to always continue the work to better myself, and make sure I don't regress. Part of that is monitoring this mindset and making sure it doesn't become toxic. But, I know I already am better, and if anyone can't see I am better, then I should not need to prove it to them, especially when they don't want me to try. I don't need to prove my worth. I don't need to give my time to those who want none of it.
I realize this mindset is very volatile. It's very easy to go terribly wrong. Again. I need to be mindful. I need to be careful. I need to always watch myself. I need to always make sure I am not regressing. I need to make sure I am not causing harm. I need to always make sure I am trying to do the right thing. I need to make sure I am always showing respect. I need to make sure I am always displaying love and empathy. I need to make sure I am always helping, not hurting. I need to always pursue the path of greatest good.
I need to always be aware of my flaws, my shortcomings, of how I am perceived, of how my words are interpreted. I need to always be mindful of my impact, to ensure my ripples are positive rather than negative. I have all of that work to always do, for the rest of my life. It will never be easy.
But I don't need to make it harder by flooding my thoughts with those who don't want me to be in their life, who would rather me not be thinking of them. That does a disservice to them and it's a disservice to me.
I know I am putting in more work than ever before in helping others. Those who don't want my help are valid for not wanting it, and I will respect them, and honor their wishes. But those who want my help are always going to receive it, and I will help myself too.
I know I'm probably not explaining things well. But basically, there are those who see me as I am, all that I am, the bad and the good, and love me. They want to be in my life, they want to know me, and I will love them and embrace them and help them. There are those who don't see the good, and they are valid. They don't want to be in my life, and I will respect that; they don't want to know me, and while I will always have some love in my heart for them, I need to drop the level of love I have for them down to the bare minimum. They don't want my help, so I shouldn't try to give them it.
I'm rambling a bunch but what I'm getting at here is that everyone is valid, and everyone's perspectives about me are important. Yet that includes my view of myself, and I know what I want to focus on. I don't want to give my time to those who want none of mine, but to everyone else I will give my heart to them all.
I have a lot of love to give to this world.
And if you read this blog, rest assured; you do too.
You are probably better than I am.
And even if you think you're worse, you can take a cue from my example as a way to better yourself. You are better than you think you are, and you can help others more than you ever realize. You are filled with such incredible love, and give it to more than you know.
I have a lot I need to learn, a lot I need to improve, and I'm sure you feel you do too.
But just as I am doing my best to achieve that, so too are you. And you will do that work more than you realize and help those who need your help. <3